12-17-2013 A Little Holiday Tombstone Humor

December 18, 2013 9:30 am

It’s Tuesday and we have seven shopping days left until Christmas. Are you stressed, pissed, and have you completely lost your sense of humor? Well, welcome to the club. Since Christmas has both the ability to excite and depress me I think a little darkness is necessary which fits right in with my current mindset. I’ve collected tombstone epithets for years and even took to the graveyards of Massachusetts while living there and made gravestone rubbings of some of the more interesting. They are at times poignant, heartfelt, funny, and even sarcastic. They do tend to get right to the point about the dearly departed who would be spinning in their graves if they ever read them. I hope they make you smile like they do for me.

Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a 44, no Les, No More. Tombstone, Arizona

Of children in all she bore twenty-four: Thank the Lord there will be no more. Canterbury, Kent, England

Here lies the body of John Mound, Lost at Sea and never found. Winslow, Maine

Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. Killed by a sky-rocket in my eye socket. Frodsham, Cheshire, England

Here lies John Ross, Kicked by a horse. Channel Islands, England

Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style 350 dollars. Springdale, Ohio

Neglected by his doctor, ill treated by his nurse, his brother robbed the widow, which made it all the worse. Dulverton, Somerset, England

Stranger approach this spot with gravity; John Brown is filling his last cavity. A Dentist

Beneath this stone old Abraham lies; Nobody laughs and nobody cries. Where he is gone and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares. For Abraham Newland

Beneath these stones repose the bones of Theodosius Grim; He took his beer from year to year, and then the beer took him. A Beer Drinker

Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go. Enosburg, Vermont

Grim Death took me without any warning, I was well at night and dead in the morning. Sevenoaks, Kent, England

I looked up a few others in my archive since I know you all love your celebrities. Some are cute, some lame, but who really cares?

My Jesus, mercy” Al Capone

“The best is yet to come.” Frank Sinatra

“This is the last of Earth! I am content!” John Quincy Adams (1767 – 1848)

“Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King. He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney ‘Billy the Kid'” Billy the Kid (unknown)

“That’s all, folks!” Mel Blanc (the epitaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig.

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” Winston Churchill

“She did it the hard way” Bette Davis

“Nothing’s So Sacred As Honor And Nothing’s So Loyal As Love” Wyatt Earp

“I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” Robert Frost

“Hey Ram” (Translated “Oh, God”) Mahatma Gandhi

“Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m Free At Last.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.” Karl Marx

12-17-2013 A Little Holiday Tombstone Humor

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12-17-2013 A Little Holiday Tombstone Humor

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