As I spend a great deal of my day sitting at this computer, it gives me time to think and possibly overthink everything. I feel like I have a comprehensive view of the world and all of it’s effed up citizens and countries. The more you discover about the human race the worse it seems to get. If the World Cup didn’t tell all of us Americans just how lucky we are in comparison to every other country on earth, just listen to their citizens as they post about us. Americans do more pissing and moaning about their circumstances and never fail to trash American at every turn. These visiting Europeans are setting a fine example for all of our disgruntled Americans. They’ve been lied to for decades about this country and realized it almost immediately upon their arrival. The “bitchers and moaners” in this country should be required to spend a couple of weeks anywhere else and maybe just maybe they’ll gain a better perspective about their home. Take thousands of dollars of your hard earned money and attend the next World Cup. Pay for travel, food, lodging, and entry fees and then get back to me. Just be careful and don’t drink the water. LOL
“Good leaders make for good countries.” ME!
“High sentiments always win in the end. The leaders who offer blood, toil, tears and sweat always get more out their followers than those who offer safety and a good time. When it comes to the pinch, human beings are heroic.” George Orwell
“Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.” Gen. George S. Patton Jr.
“I am more afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion than an army of lions led by a sheep.” Talleyrand
“My view is that to sit back and let fate play it’s hand and never influence it is not the way man was meant to operate.” John Glenn
“Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.” Abraham Lincoln
I hate to admit it but I seem to have had a life-long addictive personality disorder. For more than fifteen years I was dangerously addicted to cigarettes and it took a fast ride to a hospital in an ambulance to convince me to stop smoking once and for all. Over the intervening years I developed minor addictions to marijuana, Scotch whiskey, potato chips, ice cream, and a dozen other small unimportant matters. I thought after all of my many years I had finally won the battle against worthless and annoying addictions but once again I was wrong. Since retirement I’ve discovered two of my newest and bothersome addictions: Amazon and The Internet.
If your not as mobile as you once were (due to old age) as I am currently, the Internet is eye opening in its wide range of idiots, morons, scammers and its endless supply of bullshit artists to keep me occupied for the foreseeable future. My window on the world is very small now and truly annoying but it’s all I have. My better-half has joined the ranks of the addicted and spends a lot of her time researching endless gardening information sites and searching for odd and strange recipes to make my dining a real adventure.
We live in an area that requires us to take special steps just to have just a working cell phone and Internet connection. Without that connection we’d have no television, no Internet, and no W-Fi. Since GPS doesn’t work very well in this area either I hope I never have a life threatening emergency. If I do I will die a really pissed off customer. Unfortunately an incident occurred earlier this week that started another round of craziness when we lost all Internet and Wi-Fi signals. My better-half found it necessary to drive our car for two miles to get a usable wi-fi signal, and then spent a half hour trying to find a human being to talk with about our continuing problem. All of these company computers and personnel still can’t seem to ever answer our most important question “Why isn’t this damn system working?”. When it was all said and done we had to wait two more hours for a repairman to show up at our home. They had us checking OUR equipment because their computer assured them that everything was operational on their end. They still forgot that one important thing again: WHY WE STILL DIDN’T HAVE ANY DAMN INTERNET, NO DAMN WIFI, AND NO DAMN TELEPHONE SERVICE. I suggested to the repairman that maybe it was their equipment and not ours.
Frustrating, YOU BET. Come to find out we’d been given a low level (cheap) modem when we began their service contract a year ago and that modem was apparently faulty. All of our troubles magically disappeared a few minutes later when the repairman plugged in a newer and updated modem. Here’s the kicker. As I watched all of my equipment humming along and finally running fine and saw that Internet entry screen reappear, I found my face a little flushed, had a huge rush of adrenaline, and a strange tingling all over my body. It was my introduction to my latest and scariest addiction ever – computer driven orgasms. Now I can have an illicit affair with my hardrive whenever I want or need to. Isn’t technology wonderful? LOL
I did a lot of reminiscing today as I was leafing through many old files and folders from my early years a a police officer. As I reviewed these documents I was truly amazed just how much paperwork I still retained from those “good old days”. I found a few things that were really old but still really funny. The following statements were supplied to actual police officer’s and were copied directly from their official accident reports. As always the truth is stranger than fiction.
WOMEN
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“A invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and then vanished.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
🚘🚓🚛
MEN
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“A truck backed into my windshield into my wife’s face.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.”
“When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
🚗🚘🚙
Welcome to the OMG club. Now you’ve heard it all too.
I love American history and will find, purchase, and read anything remotely related to it. Todays post will supply you lovers of history with a few facts you may not be familiar with. The first section will list the normal necessities of the early American soldiers.
A flintlock musket and bayonet.
A bayonet and spontoon (a large metal spearhead on a wooden pike).
A sword for Infantry officers and a heavy saber for Cavalry.
A Tomahawk or Axe if no bayonet was available.
A Cartridge bag containing cartridge paper, lead balls, and black powder. Riflemen carried powder horns and shot bags.
A Flint and tinderbox for staring fires.
A hunting knife, knapsack and blanket.
A canteen with folding eating utensils, scissors, and fishhook.
A sundial compass.
AND NOW YOU’RE READY TO FIGHT
A Serious Footnote
In those days women weren’t permitted in combat but here’s a story of one determined woman named Deborah Sampson. Her ancestors arrived on the Mayflower and she spent most of her childhood as an indentured servant. At the age of 21 she disguised herself as a man and enlisted in the Massachusetts militia as a infantry soldier, fighting as “Robert Shurtleft” (her deceased brother) for almost 2 years. When rumors of her deception spread in her hometown, she was excommunicated by her Baptist church for “dressing in men’s clothing”. Badly wounded at Tarrytown, she treated herself. Later when she contracted a fever in Philadelphia, an Army doctor discovered her secret and General George Washington may have been advised. Neither man betrayed her, and under her assumed name, she received an honorable discharge as “Robert Shurtleft”. Her subsequent efforts to receive a military pension were championed by no less than Paul Revere.
I wasn’t sure I’d be posting today since my best and fastest computer stopped cooperating a few days ago. With the assistance of my better-half, some written instructions from my nephew (who built it), and three or four thousand juicy curse words, I’m once again operational. A tip for those of you who may have computer issues of your own: RULE 1 – do not drink shots of whiskey while attempting to relocate and adjust tiny little switches in the computer. It slows down the progress immensely. Along with that my better-half found out just how skilled I was at stringing those curse words together. Her training continues. LOL Todays post is titled BIZARRE for a reason.
Katherine Hepburn suffered from a phobia of dirty hair. When she was shooting films for Twentieth Century Fox, she would sniff the heads of cast and crew to make sure their hair was squeaky clean.
In Vermont it is illegal to whistle underwater.
Pennsylvania law books record a 1971 case of a man suing Satan – for his own bad luck and downfall. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds that Satan did not live in the state of Pennsylvania.
Don’t ever fall asleep in a bath tub in Detroit. You could be arrested because sleeping in bathtubs is illegal in the city.
“You have to be saved to get into heaven . . . you only have to be you to get into hell.” Marilyn Manson
In the ancient city of Jericho the dead were buried under the houses they lived in. But first their heads were severed, covered with plaster and clay, and decorated for their families to worship.
Catherine, wife of Russian czar Peter I, had a wandering eye, and Peter caught on. To teach Catherine a lesson, he forced her to watch her lover be killed, then pickled the lover’s head and kept it in their bedroom.
In the 17th century, midwives had a custom of saving a woman’s afterbirth, or placenta, and then burning it. The superstition was that the number of times the burning placenta popped indicated the number of children the mother could expect in the future.
For decades sports stars have claimed that appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine was the fastest way to a slump or defeat.
When John Madden was the coach of the Oakland Raiders football team, he wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen had belched.
Here’s something I wish I’d posted prior to the World Cup taking ownership of our country. I found it in a book of random trivia facts which I will diligently attempt to paraphrase. Most countries think that Americans hate soccer. I think that’s probably true but to a lesser extent than you might think. Here is an opinion piece which I found somewhat interesting.
Even though playing youth soccer is a veritable rite of passage in parts of the U.S., it seems that most Americans tend to lose interest in the sport around the age of twelve. The indifference previously shown to the sport has baffled sports journalists for decades. Here are a few theories why.
American’s dislike games in which you can’t use your hands.
Americans dislike games without a lot of action and they consider soccer boring. Too many tie games and games with a score of three or less goals. Watching soccer for a few hours is mind-numbing.
Americans don’t like prissy athlete’s who spend most of the game flopping around on the ground and gesticulating wildly when they get called for a penalty.
The real problem is that America has never fielded a team that was competitive in the sport and that stings the American ego a bit. Losing to teams from countries like Columbia and Costa Rica is ego deflating.
The world’s insane love for soccer is strange to Americans but at the same time Americans are crazy for NASCAR. That’s a seriously vexing sports question to be sure. Will things ever change because of our recent exposure to the World Cup? Who knows?
FYI: I WILL NEVER BE A SOCCER (OR FUTBOL) FAN . . . EVER!
Today I’d like to talk about marriage. It always seems like a topic that everyone has an opinion on and so do I. As far as I can see there are no real experts on marriage. If there were they couldn’t possibly explain why a little more than fifty percent of all marriages fail miserably. I have the right to speak on this subject because I’ve been married twice and divorced twice. I married for sex initially (bad move) and then married for love (or so I thought), (another bad move). Do I have solutions for this trend – I do not. As best I can determine getting married is much like going to Las Vegas and losing everything you own and then complaining about Las Vegas for ruining your life. I’m currently unmarried and my better-half and I have been together for almost thirty years. That just tells me when it’s the right person, life can be good.
Todays post will cite a number of well known celebs on their thoughts on marriage. This should convince you that they have no clue either. Here we go . . .
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde
“The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” S.T. Coleridge
“Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.” George Bernard Shaw
“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.” Johnny Carson
“If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.” Anton Chekhov
“Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.” Phyllis Diller
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” Sam Kenison
“It’s true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, “Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then”. Lyle Lovett – after marrying Julia Roberts
“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.” Leonardo da Vinci
My Fav
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, then you lose interest.” Irwin Corey
I really and truly hate the media. Even before the term “fake news” appeared, I was well ahead of the game. I was raised during a time when there were only three networks and the main voice for America on any subject was Walter Cronkite. Whatever he said was immediately believed as information that came down from the Mount with the Ten Commandments. Now that we’ve progressed a little (LOL) we’re beginning to find out what fools our parent’s generation was and unfortunately they passed some of that foolishness along to their kids. Eventually the rest of the country finally figured all of this out because of a few thousand regular folks taking to the airways armed with a new term called “Podcasts”. Thanks also to people like Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg for maintaining freedom of speech on their social media platforms. With that being said todays post contains misquotes and misstatements from numerous and varied celebrities experts and media outlets. Enjoy . . .
“If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” George Gobel – comedian.
“The crime bill passed by the senate would reinstate the federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President, hijacking an airliner, and murdering a government poultry inspector.” Published by Knight Ridder News Service
Retraction: The “Greek Special” is a huge, 18-inch pizza and not a huge, 18-inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused. Correction in the Daily Californian (real fake news)
As a prize – a beautiful riding mower with optional ass scratcher. Announcer on TV who meant to say “grass catcher”.
“To say this book is about me (which is the main reason I was uncomfortable – me, me, me,. me . . . frightening) is ridiculous. This book is not about me.” Kate Moss, model, on her book, Kate: The Kate Moss Book
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Recording Company turning down the Beatles, 1962
I really and truly hate the media. Even before the term “fake news” appeared, I was well ahead of the game. I was raised during a time when there were only three networks and the main voice for America on any subject was Walter Cronkite. Whatever he said was immediately believed as information that came down from the Mount with the Ten Commandments. Now that we’ve progressed a little (LOL) we’re beginning to find out what fools our parent’s generation was and unfortunately they passed some of that foolishness along to their kids. Eventually the rest of the country finally figured all of this out because of a few thousand regular folks taking to the airways armed with a new term called “Podcasts”. Thanks also to people like Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg for maintaining freedom of speech on their social media platforms. With that being said todays post contains misquotes and misstatements from numerous and varied celebrities experts and media outlets. Enjoy . . .
“If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” George Gobel – comedian.
“The crime bill passed by the senate would reinstate the federal death penalty for certain violent rimes: assassinating the President, hijacking an airliner, and murdering a government poultry inspector.” Published by Knight Ridder News Service
Retraction: The “Greek Special” is a huge, 18-inch pizza and not a huge, 18-inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused. Correction in the Daily Californian (real fake news)
As a prize – a beautiful riding mower with optional ass scratcher. Announcer on TV who meant to say “grass catcher”.
“To say this book is about me (which is the main reason I was uncomfortable – me, me, me,. me . . . frightening) is ridiculous. This book is not about me.” Kate Moss, model, on her book, Kate: The Kate Moss Book
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” Decca Recording Company turning down the Beatles, 1962
everyuselessthing.com 