I just experienced a rare Spring day here in Maine. There was real actual sunshine and really large and fluffy white clouds in a deep blue sky. Beautiful right? That one beautiful day has to be remembered in as much detail as possible because we rarely get that kind of perfect day. The rest of the year we hunker down to await the return of the Sun at least once more before Winter sets in. That’s when many, many, (and I do mean many) Mainers retire to their favorite local bars, pubs, or watering holes to sit around and loudly and rudely discuss just how wonderful that next sunny day will be. Then we sip a taste (or two) of our favorite drinks to help fuel more of the loud and disorderly discussions (which require even more alcohol) and to further argue about what the weather might be tomorrow.
So here I sit in a local Maine Alcohol Distribution Center (my man-cave) where interesting discussions are rarely heard because no-one really cares anyway. See if these few questions of sports trivia are more interesting that what your currently discussing and/or drinking? Answers will be listed below.
Baseball
Throwing a no-hitter is tough, but which major league pitcher tossed back-to-back no-hitters in 1938.
How many times did Yogi Berra play in a World Series game?
Basketball
What basket ball team was responsible for ending UCLA’s 88 game winning streak in 1974?
Which tall man won the NBA “Defensive Player of the Year” in 2009, 210, 2011?
Football
Which legendary football innovator was affectionately know as “Papa Bear”?
When the Packer and Seahawks met in week 3 of the 2012 season. Who was ruled as having scored the game winning touchdown on what some have dubbed the ‘Failed Mary”?
Hockey
On November 1, 1959 which goaltender was the first in NHL history to wear a full face protective mask?
What famous “goon” holds the NHL career record with 3,966 penalty minutes?
🏅🏅🏅
BONUS
What year introduced Beach Volleyball to the Olympics in Atlanta.
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Answers
Johnny Vander Meer, 14, North Carolina, Dwight Howard – Orlando Magic, George Halas, Golden Tate, Jacques Plante (after stitches to his lip), Dave “Tiger” Williams, BONUS-1996
As you are aware I hunt like an obsessed bloodhound for topics that are a 7-9 on the weirdness scale. Fortunately for me all that weirdness has for some reason had little or no effect on me (I hope you are someone who doesn’t miss a satirical comment when you read it). Todays post will contain six blurbs about well-known people who were truly weirder than anyone ever imagined.
WALT WHITMAN
When American poet Walt Whitman died in 1892, his brain was put in a jar and donated to the University of Pennsylvania. The University doesn’t have it anymore because a clumsy lab technician dropped the jar on the floor and damaged the brain. The University quietly discarded it, and Whitman’s “Specimens Days” were over.
MARGARET WISE BROWN
American children’s author Margaret Wise Brown (1910 to 1952), who wrote many tender kitty-and-bunny tales, including Good Night Moonand The Bunnies Birthday, loved to hunt rabbits and she collected their severed feet as trophies.
VOLTAIRE
Voltaire always fainted whenever he smelled roses. He also drank seventy cups of coffee every day. Are the facts related, who knows?
EMILY DICKINSON
Poet Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) will’s final requests were that she would be buried in a white casket, that heliotropes be placed inside along with a posy of blue violets to be placed at her throat. All of her wishes were granted.
AGATHA CHRISTIE
Agatha Christie nearly pulled off a real-life hoax worthy of her mystery novels. Upset that her husband was leaving her for another woman, she set up an incriminating crime scene that almost got him arrested for “her murder”. Luckily for him, an employee at a distant seaside hotel saw news photos of Christie and recognized her as the woman who had slipped into their hotel under an assumed name. Although Christie claimed amnesia, the police were not amused after having wasted a week of searching rivers and bogs for her body.
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And last but not least goes to someone who finally discovered his true worth.
TUPAC SHAKUR
Requested that his ashes be mixed with marijuana and smoked by his friends in the band Outlawz.
There are times that I really miss the old style Playboy magazines. They helped answer many questions that all young boys had about females. Everyone jokes about reading the magazines just for the articles but that was always a huge bit of sarcasm. Was the content misogynistic, probably, but the young lads paging through those articles just wanted to see and read about those gorgeous women willing to share their most intimate secrets and secret areas to them while they furiously and quietly masturbated. I have to admit I participated myself on occasion. It all depended on whether I could find my fathers stash of Playboys he thought were so well hidden. He actually hid them from my mother because we were all afraid of her. Todays post will list five items from some of those beautiful Playmates on “Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs” from the 1970’s, 1980,s, and 1990’s. No names will be mentioned but I know it’s possible you’ll remember a few of the those forgotten beauties that aided in your teenage sex education.
I’ve been sitting here trying to decide a couple of things. First, how should I celebrate my upcoming eightieth birthday. Second, what should I post on this blog tomorrow. So, I mixed the two things together resulting in a list of things accomplished by other more famous eighty-year-olds from the past. It probably won’t mean much to you until you reach the age of seventy-five when you begin to wonder what your future holds. Have fun with it (It really isn’t that much fun).
Moses, in disgust, breaks the tablets inscribed with the Ten Commandments, then goes back to get a second set. (That took some balls pissing off God)
Queen Victoria utters her famous critique, “We are not amused.” (I’m pretty sure we still aren’t)
Jessica Tandy wins her first Oscar, for Best Supporting Actress for The Sunshine Boys. (Glad I missed that one.)
George Burns also wins his first Oscar, for Best Supporting Actor in The Sunshine Boys. (He was way better playing God)
Pope Gregory XIII establishes the Gregorian calendar, thus correcting the errors of the Julian calendar by changing the rules regarding leap years. (I’m sure he spent long and rigorous late nights lying awake trying to figure that out. What a BS claim to fame at eighty)
Robert Penn Warren becomes Americas first official poet laureate. (I think some of his other works began as – Roses are red, something was blue – Ya-Da! Ya-Da! Ya-Da!)
Leopold Stokowski founds the American Symphony Orchestra. (Never heard of him or the orchestra until today)
After rereading this list I find myself even more depressed than before I started. Maybe eighty doesn’t have much to offer although I considered for a short time revisiting some excitement from my thirties when I made a a number of skydives. I started calling around and actually found a place here in Maine that was willing to accommodate me. I was preparing to schedule the event when my better-half discovered my plan. After she made it perfectly clear I wouldn’t be able to skydive if she broke both of my legs, I cancelled the plan. My eightieth will only be a loud and raucous evening at Uno’s with my better-half, a tray of sliders and if I get lucky there may be a visit from Jack Daniels and possibly ice cream. Screw all of those famous old farts.
For you millennials who may read this post I’m giving you fair warning. I’m a eighty year old man who wants to tell you a story that will be a little sappy and hopefully a little funny but everything will be true. And before you start reading and rolling your eyes at what I say remember that I was much like you (a millennial) in the wild and wacky 1960’s when almost everything was always out of control. At that time I perfected that eye roll you’re probably still using today. Being alive in the sixties was a “trip” to say the least. Free love, an over abundance of drugs, with Rock & Roll as our mantra. My best friend and I were in constant trouble from stealing booze and cigarettes from our parents to the occasional visits from state and local police. We thought we had all the answers but were kept from getting really crazy by my ever so vigilant parents. I had my first official date and fell in love immediately until we were sidetracked by both her parents and mine who squashed our love like a bug. Then I crashed my fathers new car resulting in more eye rolling and some serious ass kicking. I decided then that maybe college would be a good change to let me live my life my way. I mean, how right could my parents be, they were over forty years old and obviously had no clue about things. So, I headed off to college to start my next millennial adventure . . .
College wasn’t an adventure but it was very strange. I was just one knucklehead in a rather large group of other knuckleheads trying to adjust to a life of freedom without parents. My biggest problem was adjusting from my father’s strict rules for everything to having no rules at all. I drank way too much and chased young ladies way too much, and learned almost nothing. I cut classes, constantly overslept and was a miserable failure as a student. In my third year I dropped out without alerting my parents and spent the remainder of the money I’d saved entertaining roommates and other friends (mainly females). But the damn college just had to go and notify my parents that I was a no-show and OMG were they irate (another huge parental eye roll). I returned home as a failed millennial with no money, no job, and two parents who would never let me forget what an ass I’d become.
Lets skip ahead to my enlistment in the Army, my time as a state police officer in Pennsylvania , getting married, finishing my bachelors degree, to getting an upper level management job with a national corporation, and finally retiring from the State of Maine’s Judicial Branch. My point is that if I can survive my millennial years, so can you. Truthfully, if you think about it everyone has a millennial period at some time in their life. It’s also true that human beings seem compelled to give everyone and everything a nickname (usually derogatory). There’s the Boomers (that’s me), the Gen X’ers, Gen Y’ers, and hundreds of others. It’s all just so much bullshit. Just remember this important fact. In a few years many of you will marry and have children. What will their nicknames be when they hit their millennial years and begin to drive you absolutely crazy? Some thing you can look forward to. It’s called the “Circle of Life”. LOL
If the title has confused you, let me explain. Malaprops are simply a wide variety of verbal miscues. I’m supplying you with a few samples that made me grin a little. These were taken from grade school, middle school, high school and college examinations. So much for higher education.
Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
Italics are what Italians write in.
Protons are in both meat and electricity.
Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent.
You purify water by filtering it and the forcing it through an aviator.
Salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
Never look a gift horse in the mouse.
A leopard is a form of dotted lion.
The police surrounded the building and threw an accordian around the block.
Marriage to one wife is called monotony.
The mountain range between France and Spain is the Pyramids.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
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A special thanks (tongue-in-cheek) to all of the teachers who taught these exceptional students. Maybe they will all be saved embarrassment once the AI’s take over. LOL.
This post is being written on Easter Sunday and should be considered a tongue-in-cheek horror story from my youth. It will also explain to readers why I have never celebrated Easter as would be expected. In my early childhood I was always confused by my parents when my mother claimed Easter was a religious holiday but the rest of the family loaded me up with chocolate bunnies, candy eggs, and plastic eggs in the yard containing quarters. I was greatly confused but truly enjoyed all the candy that eventually rotted out a few of my teeth.
When I reached the age of ten they decided to take a different approach to Easter. I still got all the candy and eggs but they added a few things to the mix. I received four baby chicks that immediately ran behind the refrigerator and refused to come out. Eventually they did but within two weeks they had all passed away and never even got an offer of an Easter resurrection. I was truly sad but I hadn’t had time to develop much of a relationship with them. I did give them a silent prayer and a beautiful burial ceremony as my father tossed them into a trash can. I forgot to mention one other thing. Along with those chicks I was also gifted two small white baby rabbits which I immediately fell in love with. They were so damn cute and cuddly.
Now, let’s jump ahead three years. Those cute little bunnies had grown into two huge white rabbits that were so big we were forced build a hutch in the yard for them to live in. I still loved them both but my father did not. He constantly complained about them being a nuisance but I wouldn’t let him sell or give them away. I came home from school one afternoon prepared to do my homework and then have dinner. As I sat down at the table I immediately noticed a large plate of steaming meat and was told by my father to “eat up”. I asked what kind of meat it was and he told that the two rabbits would no longer be a problem. He’d killed my bunnies and served them to me for dinner. Needless to say I went to bed hungry that night. Happy Effing Easter!
That pretty much erased Easter from the list of holidays I chose to celebrate. Even now I cringe a little when my spouse has the grandchildren over for their annual Easter egg hunt. They love finding the hidden eggs especially the plastic ones with money in them. My only requirement is “No Bunnies or Chicks” chocolate or otherwise. I’d have terrible nightmares for a week.
A few days ago I was listening to a stand-up comic on-line making jokes about the cost of women’s products he found in his wife’s vanity. He claimed to be utterly shocked that she spent $80.00 for a small vial of some magic ointment that would make her feel younger and better about herself. He made me laugh a lot but then I got to thinking. How did those products develop and where? Todays post may help you understand where it all started and who is to blame. LOL
Cosmetics and Makeup – 8,ooo years ago in Egypt.
Eye Makeup -4000 B.C. – Again from Egypt
Rouge, Face Powder, Lipstick – 4000 B.C. from the Greeks
Beaty Patches & Compacts – 17th Century Europe
Nail Polish – Pre-3000 B.C. from China
Creams, Oils, Moisturizers – 3000 B..C. from once again those damn Egyptians.
The Mirror – 3500 B.C. from Mesopotamia
Hair Styling – 1500 B.C. from Assyria
Cold Cream – 2nd Century from Rome
Modern Hair Coloring – 1909 from France
Wigs – 3000 B.C. – again from Egypt
Hair Pins – 10,000 Years Ago – from Asia
Hair Dryer – 1920 – Wisconsin, USA
The Comb – Pre-4000 B.C. from Asia and Africa
Perfume – Pre-6000 B.C. from the Middle and Far East
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
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1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
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1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
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1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
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And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
The Bible is the most stolen book in the world despite its message containing the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,”. It’s a fact! Not only is it stolen from book stores and libraries it is also shoplifted in large numbers from just about anywhere. In it’s blatant attempt to teach and scare the hell out most Christians it also finds it necessary to describe in great detail many of mans most questionable habits. Todays post will test your biblical trivia knowledge concerning one of my favorite topics, “prostitutes”. The answers will be listed below.
Who went on a killing spree when their sister Dinah was treated like a prostitute?
Where did the prostitute Rahab live?
What judge of Israel was a prostitutes son?
What prophet did the Lord tell about two prostitutes named Oholah & Oholibah?
What character in a parable wasted his money on prostitutes?
What epistle warns Christians against patronizing prostitutes?
According to Jesus what prophet had prostitutes and tax collectors as followers?
Who ordered his daughter-in-law Tamar burned because she had acted like a prostitute?
What king served as judge when two prostitutes fought over a child?
Who had a vision of a prostitute with a city’s name engraved on her head?
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BONUS:
According to tradition, what follower of Jesus had been a prostitute,
though the Bible does not refer to her as one?
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Answers
Levi & Simeon (Genesis 34:25-31), Jericho (Joshua 2:1-6), Jephthah (Judges 11:1), Ezekiel ((23:1-21), The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:30), 1 Corinthians (6:15-16), John the Baptist (Matthew 21:32), Judah (Genesis 38:24), Solomon (1 Kings 3:16), John (Revelation 17:5), BONUS Mary Magdalene
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