For you millennials who may read this post I’m giving you fair warning. I’m a eighty year old man who wants to tell you a story that will be a little sappy and hopefully a little funny but everything will be true. And before you start reading and rolling your eyes at what I say remember that I was much like you (a millennial) in the wild and wacky 1960’s when almost everything was always out of control. At that time I perfected that eye roll you’re probably still using today. Being alive in the sixties was a “trip” to say the least. Free love, an over abundance of drugs, with Rock & Roll as our mantra. My best friend and I were in constant trouble from stealing booze and cigarettes from our parents to the occasional visits from state and local police. We thought we had all the answers but were kept from getting really crazy by my ever so vigilant parents. I had my first official date and fell in love immediately until we were sidetracked by both her parents and mine who squashed our love like a bug. Then I crashed my fathers new car resulting in more eye rolling and some serious ass kicking. I decided then that maybe college would be a good change to let me live my life my way. I mean, how right could my parents be, they were over forty years old and obviously had no clue about things. So, I headed off to college to start my next millennial adventure . . .
College wasn’t an adventure but it was very strange. I was just one knucklehead in a rather large group of other knuckleheads trying to adjust to a life of freedom without parents. My biggest problem was adjusting from my father’s strict rules for everything to having no rules at all. I drank way too much and chased young ladies way too much, and learned almost nothing. I cut classes, constantly overslept and was a miserable failure as a student. In my third year I dropped out without alerting my parents and spent the remainder of the money I’d saved entertaining roommates and other friends (mainly females). But the damn college just had to go and notify my parents that I was a no-show and OMG were they irate (another huge parental eye roll). I returned home as a failed millennial with no money, no job, and two parents who would never let me forget what an ass I’d become.
Lets skip ahead to my enlistment in the Army, my time as a state police officer in Pennsylvania , getting married, finishing my bachelors degree, to getting an upper level management job with a national corporation, and finally retiring from the State of Maine’s Judicial Branch. My point is that if I can survive my millennial years, so can you. Truthfully, if you think about it everyone has a millennial period at some time in their life. It’s also true that human beings seem compelled to give everyone and everything a nickname (usually derogatory). There’s the Boomers (that’s me), the Gen X’ers, Gen Y’ers, and hundreds of others. It’s all just so much bullshit. Just remember this important fact. In a few years many of you will marry and have children. What will their nicknames be when they hit their millennial years and begin to drive you absolutely crazy? Some thing you can look forward to. It’s called the “Circle of Life”. LOL
If the title has confused you, let me explain. Malaprops are simply a wide variety of verbal miscues. I’m supplying you with a few samples that made me grin a little. These were taken from grade school, middle school, high school and college examinations. So much for higher education.
Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
Italics are what Italians write in.
Protons are in both meat and electricity.
Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent.
You purify water by filtering it and the forcing it through an aviator.
Salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
Never look a gift horse in the mouse.
A leopard is a form of dotted lion.
The police surrounded the building and threw an accordian around the block.
Marriage to one wife is called monotony.
The mountain range between France and Spain is the Pyramids.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
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A special thanks (tongue-in-cheek) to all of the teachers who taught these exceptional students. Maybe they will all be saved embarrassment once the AI’s take over. LOL.
This post is being written on Easter Sunday and should be considered a tongue-in-cheek horror story from my youth. It will also explain to readers why I have never celebrated Easter as would be expected. In my early childhood I was always confused by my parents when my mother claimed Easter was a religious holiday but the rest of the family loaded me up with chocolate bunnies, candy eggs, and plastic eggs in the yard containing quarters. I was greatly confused but truly enjoyed all the candy that eventually rotted out a few of my teeth.
When I reached the age of ten they decided to take a different approach to Easter. I still got all the candy and eggs but they added a few things to the mix. I received four baby chicks that immediately ran behind the refrigerator and refused to come out. Eventually they did but within two weeks they had all passed away and never even got an offer of an Easter resurrection. I was truly sad but I hadn’t had time to develop much of a relationship with them. I did give them a silent prayer and a beautiful burial ceremony as my father tossed them into a trash can. I forgot to mention one other thing. Along with those chicks I was also gifted two small white baby rabbits which I immediately fell in love with. They were so damn cute and cuddly.
Now, let’s jump ahead three years. Those cute little bunnies had grown into two huge white rabbits that were so big we were forced build a hutch in the yard for them to live in. I still loved them both but my father did not. He constantly complained about them being a nuisance but I wouldn’t let him sell or give them away. I came home from school one afternoon prepared to do my homework and then have dinner. As I sat down at the table I immediately noticed a large plate of steaming meat and was told by my father to “eat up”. I asked what kind of meat it was and he told that the two rabbits would no longer be a problem. He’d killed my bunnies and served them to me for dinner. Needless to say I went to bed hungry that night. Happy Effing Easter!
That pretty much erased Easter from the list of holidays I chose to celebrate. Even now I cringe a little when my spouse has the grandchildren over for their annual Easter egg hunt. They love finding the hidden eggs especially the plastic ones with money in them. My only requirement is “No Bunnies or Chicks” chocolate or otherwise. I’d have terrible nightmares for a week.
A few days ago I was listening to a stand-up comic on-line making jokes about the cost of women’s products he found in his wife’s vanity. He claimed to be utterly shocked that she spent $80.00 for a small vial of some magic ointment that would make her feel younger and better about herself. He made me laugh a lot but then I got to thinking. How did those products develop and where? Todays post may help you understand where it all started and who is to blame. LOL
Cosmetics and Makeup – 8,ooo years ago in Egypt.
Eye Makeup -4000 B.C. – Again from Egypt
Rouge, Face Powder, Lipstick – 4000 B.C. from the Greeks
Beaty Patches & Compacts – 17th Century Europe
Nail Polish – Pre-3000 B.C. from China
Creams, Oils, Moisturizers – 3000 B..C. from once again those damn Egyptians.
The Mirror – 3500 B.C. from Mesopotamia
Hair Styling – 1500 B.C. from Assyria
Cold Cream – 2nd Century from Rome
Modern Hair Coloring – 1909 from France
Wigs – 3000 B.C. – again from Egypt
Hair Pins – 10,000 Years Ago – from Asia
Hair Dryer – 1920 – Wisconsin, USA
The Comb – Pre-4000 B.C. from Asia and Africa
Perfume – Pre-6000 B.C. from the Middle and Far East
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
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1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
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1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
The Bible is the most stolen book in the world despite its message containing the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,”. It’s a fact! Not only is it stolen from book stores and libraries it is also shoplifted in large numbers from just about anywhere. In it’s blatant attempt to teach and scare the hell out most Christians it also finds it necessary to describe in great detail many of mans most questionable habits. Todays post will test your biblical trivia knowledge concerning one of my favorite topics, “prostitutes”. The answers will be listed below.
Who went on a killing spree when their sister Dinah was treated like a prostitute?
Where did the prostitute Rahab live?
What judge of Israel was a prostitutes son?
What prophet did the Lord tell about two prostitutes named Oholah & Oholibah?
What character in a parable wasted his money on prostitutes?
What epistle warns Christians against patronizing prostitutes?
According to Jesus what prophet had prostitutes and tax collectors as followers?
Who ordered his daughter-in-law Tamar burned because she had acted like a prostitute?
What king served as judge when two prostitutes fought over a child?
Who had a vision of a prostitute with a city’s name engraved on her head?
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BONUS:
According to tradition, what follower of Jesus had been a prostitute,
though the Bible does not refer to her as one?
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Answers
Levi & Simeon (Genesis 34:25-31), Jericho (Joshua 2:1-6), Jephthah (Judges 11:1), Ezekiel ((23:1-21), The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:30), 1 Corinthians (6:15-16), John the Baptist (Matthew 21:32), Judah (Genesis 38:24), Solomon (1 Kings 3:16), John (Revelation 17:5), BONUS Mary Magdalene
As most readers are aware I’m not what anyone would consider religious. I was raised as a Catholic but wandered away from it at a very early age. I have no problems with people who believe but my problems are with any “organized religions”. Once a religious movement of any kind become embroiled in politics, I disregard it completely. I’m a big believer in “self” but I’ve never received mystical tablets from on high or been visited by angels or by God or by supposed visions. I find those claims to be disingenuous and preposterous..
In the mid-1960’s I was serving with the Army on the DMZ in South Korea. I often explored the country on my off-time and discovered a small Buddhist temple in a rural area on the side of a mountain in central South Korea. The monks there spoke broken English and I spoke broken Korean which made for some interesting conversations. Over the months they were able to communicate to me what I later discovered were the basic beliefs of Buddha. Not colored by politics or government restrictions but truths on how to live a good and wholesome life created by inner peace and self-control. That’s when I became what many would consider me to be a half-assed Buddhist. I learned to appreciate Zen and the power of meditation without shaving my head or wearing orange robes or lighting my self on fire to make a political point. Have I always been successful in finding that inner peace – absolutely not, but I keep trying. Here are a few pearls of wisdom from the man himself.
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
Buddha also explained that all human suffering is caused by desire – for comfort, possessions, power, sex, love, or even life itself. Knowledge of ourselves comes from contemplating on three basic facts:
Nothing in the universe is lost. Even though you will die your constituent parts will remain part of the universe.
Change is constant, so any happiness based on things outside of ourselves is an illusion.
Every action has a consequence – a reminder that everything we do affects others.
Buddha was something of an agnostic and I’ve always seen myself in that way. In my humble opinion each of us is our own God. Look inside yourself to find and see the truth.
I’m a life long Pittsburgh Steeler fan thanks to my father and grandfathers. It was black and gold all the time beginning at the age of 4. That’s when I finally realized what football was and how important it was for family unity. No matter what, you stayed loyal to the team. I learned a large and varied collection of interesting cuss words over the years as we sat and listened to the games, especially during those seasons that the team wasn’t particularly successful. I relished the 1970’s and the four Superbowl wins and managed to maintain my sanity though a couple of decades of so-so football.
Todays post is my offering to the real Steeler fans out there who just can’t get enough information on the teams colorful history. Here are ten trivia questions to test your “fandomness” (I made up that word so no smart-ass comments about my spelling). As always, the answers will be listed below. Enjoy . . .
What future NFL coach was the offensive coordinator with the Steelers from 2007-2011?
Whose 89-yard touchdown pass to Dwight Stone in1991 was the longest pass thrown at Three Rivers stadium?
In 2001 , which Pittsburgh linebacker was named NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year?
In 2011, Ben Roethlisberger threw the longest touchdown pass in franchise history. Who caught the 95-yarder?
Which receiver made 217 appearances for the Steelers between 1998 and 2011?
The Steelers set a franchise after starting the 2020 season with how many consecutive wins?
Which Steeler legend is the author of a 2021 book called “Heart and Steel”?
Which tight end, which was drafted by the Steelers in 2015, shares his name with a famous wild west outlaw?
Since the AFL/NFL merger, only two Steelers quarterbacks have thrown for more than 400 yards in a game. Big Ben is one, who is the other?
Eight of Troy Polamalu’s 35 interceptions were against what team?
BONUS QUESTION
Which running back rushed for 161 yards from 22 carries and caught a
48-yard pass in his first career start for the Steelers against the Titans in 2005?
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Answers
Bruce Arians, Neil O’Donnell, Kendrell Bell, Mike Wallace, Hines Ward, 11 Wins, Bill Cower, Jesse James, Tommy Maddox, Cleveland Browns, BONUS – Willie Parker
I thought today I would post a few sports related limericks. I need to cheer up a little after finding out the NFL morons put the screws to Coach Belichick. They couldn’t find a way to beat him on the field so they they took their cheap shot by denying him a first ballot entry into the Hall of Fame. If they had any balls at all they’d step forward and explain their reasoning. We need to know just who these stupid vindictive bastards are.
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I was told by a football-mad chum
He’d been badly mauled in a scrum.
One poor ear, I hear,
Ended up in the beer,
And his teeth in a quarterback’s bum!
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A golfer, employing a wedge,
Chipped his chip-shot behind a thick hedge.
But he hadn’t been seen,
So he strolled to the green
And dropped a new ball on the edge.
💥💥💥
A basketball player named Small,
Who was actually fourteen foot tall,
Could score just by standing
And putting his hand in
The basket and simply dropping the ball.
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There’s no-one so dreadful as Bender,
For batters whose bodies are tender.
He gets on their nerves
With his murderous curves
That demand either death or surrender.
🏈🏈🏈🏈🏈
I trashed the NFL because of their mistreatment of Belichick. That was coming from a life-long Steeler fan whose teams regularly had their asses kicked by Belichick. Good is just good and admiration lasts forever.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
GO STEELERS & PATS AS LONG AS THEY AREN’T PLAYING EACH OTHER
Am I a Steeler fan – Hell YES! Am I a fan of the NFL in general – HELL NO! Like any other large and money drunk organization it has slowly become corrupt to the point of ridiculousness. It’s not the players but the legions of hanger-on’s making millions of dollars for themselves and effecting the game in more way’s than I even realize. I keep hearing about how unfair some of the officiating has become and the powers-that-be are investigating. How about a little transparency for all of us dumb-ass fans. I want to know the results of the investigations and what corrective measures that were taken. For sure I’m not “holding my breath” on that happening.
Now that my rant has been completed I’ll be posting information that might interest the true Steeler fans out there. I’ve obtained a book recently with trivia facts about the team I’ve never heard before. I find it interesting that this book was published by a true British Steeler fan – Chris Bradshaw and I’m reasonably sure he’s no relation to Terry. This first quiz concerns only questions concerning Big Ben. Answers will be listed below. Let’s get to it . . .
In what year did Roethlisberger make his debut withe the Steelers?
How old was Ben when he won his first Superbowl?
Roethlisberger was the fourth quarterback to win 100 of his first 150 NFL starts. Who were the other three?
Roethlisberger made a cameo appearance in which 2012 superhero movie?
Ben was one of four quarterbacks taken in the first round of his NFL Draft class. Name the other three.
What is Ben’s middle name?
Roethlisberger threw for a franchise-record 522 yards during a 2014 win over which AFC rival?
With which pick of the NFL draft did the Steelers select Big Ben?
What is the most touchdown passes that Ben has thrown in a single regular season?
Ben started his rookie season as the third-string quarterback behind which two veterans? Who are they?
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Answers
2004, 23, Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana, and Charlie Batch, The Dark Knight Rises, Tom Brady, Eli Manning, and Philip Rivers, Todd, Indianapolis, 11th – Pick 19, 34, Tommy Maddox & Charlie Batch.
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