Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag

01/28/2023 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

I thought I’d introduce you to something new today. I’ve posted hundreds of limericks over the years, and they were all basically the five-line standard. Another style of limerick is the extended limerick which are a bit longer than you normally see and more challenging to write. Here are two samples:

By Anonymous

There once were two cats of Kilkenny.

Each thought there was one too many,

So, they quarreled and fit,

They scratched and they bit,

Till, excepting their nails

And the tips of their tails,

Instead of two cats, there weren’t any!

๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜›

By Anonymous

There was a strange student from Yale.

Who put himself outside the pale.

Said the judge:” Please refrain,

When passing through Maine,

From exposing yourself in in the train,

Or you’ll just have to do it in jail!”

๐Ÿ˜—๐Ÿ˜—๐Ÿ˜—

In my opinion they aren’t as exciting as a normal limerick, but many people disagree. Now let’s take a look at what’s called a prose limerick. It’s a totally different style but I enjoy these very much because of the narrative way they are written.

By Anonymous

When cars are left here for repair, our charges are modest and fair. And

owners may rest quite content that we test all work that is done with great care.

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

In the shed at the end of the mews there’s a bucket of old bolts and screws, and

right at the back you will see a large stack of old junk that perhaps you can use.

๐Ÿคฉ๐Ÿคฉ๐Ÿคฉ

The train that was due to depart at 8:10 is not likely to start. We’re

working to rule, you’d best get a mule or a bike or a horse and a cart.

***

TRY WRITING A FEW OF YOUR OWN

01/24/2023 “Word Play”   Leave a comment

The snow has finally stopped here in Maine, and I just finished blowing my driveway clear for the fourth time since yesterday afternoon. I sure hope that we get a break before the next one hits. Maybe the next storm will hold off long enough for my bruised ass cheeks to heal. I’m crossing my fingers . . .

How about a little fun wordplay today. I’ve always loved palindromes and here are a few of my favorites:

NO LEMONS, NOMELON

STEP ON NO PETS

ED IS LOOPY POOLSIDE

MADAM, I’M ADAM

RATS LIVE ON NO EVIL STAR

How are you with tongue twisters? The rumor that women can say them better than men just might be true.

SAM SHAVED SEVEN SHY SHEEP

NAT’S KNAPSACK STRAP SNAPPED

A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT

FRED’S FRIEND FRAN FLIPS FINE FLAPJACKS FAST

A SKUNK SAT ON A STUMP.

THE STUMP THUNK THE SKUNK STUNK

THE SKUNK THUNK THE STUMP STUNK

Here are a few words that have faded from use, and you’ll see why. Do you still use any of them or know someone who does?

BEES KNEES – “cool”.

BESOT – “give”

SHAN’T – “will not”

THITHER – “over there”

ZOUNDS – “surprise”

EWER – “water pitcher”

DAPPER – “fancy dresser”

If you want to have some fun, use a few of these words when speaking or texting your friends.

01/23/2023 ๐ŸŒจ๏ธWinter Is Finally Here๐ŸŒจ๏ธ   3 comments

Living in northern New England requires a certain amount of love for snow. Skiers, skaters, snow boarders, and sledders love it here. Unfortunately, I’m none of those. I’m too clumsy for any winter sports. My favorite winter sport consists of a comfortable stool in a comfortable bar with a huge picture window looking out at the bottom of the ski run. The only way I could be injured under those circumstances is if some amateur skier loses control, crashes through the window, and knocks me off my stool. I can’t be too careful around here with all these snow bunnies and snow freaks running loose among us. I was up this morning a 4:30 am snow blowing my driveway. I just came in from the second trip because this damn snow just keeps falling. I thought I’d pass along some weather-related trivia to save me from losing my mind.

  • New Hampshire’s Mount Washington, located just a stone’s throw from this house is only 6288 feet in altitude, is often considered to have the worst weather in the world. The highest wind velocity ever recorded on Earth, 231 mi./h, swept across the summit of Mount Washington in April of 1934. More than 30 people have died there as a result of sudden changes in the weather.
  • Continental snow cover would advance to the equator, and the oceans would eventually freeze, if there were a permanent drop of just 1.6% to 2% in energy reaching the earth.
  • Because air is denser in cold weather, a wind of the same speed exerts 25% more force during the winter than it does during the summer.
  • Gigantic snowfalls may be crippling to big cities, but at least in New York City they have a tendency to fall mainly on the day’s most convenient for the urban population. A study of the biggest snows in the last 68 years shows that 54% of them fall on a Friday or Sunday when the cleanup can be accomplished with minimal inconvenience to those millions who must go to work and school.
  • In 1816, there was no summer in many areas of the world. In parts of New England, snow stayed on the ground all year. Crops there and in Europe were ruined. Volcanic dust from the eruption of Tomboro in Indonesia blocked the rays of the sun and was blamed for the unusual weather as well as for the red and brown snow that fell in the United States, Hungary, and Italy.

I’d love to chat A little more, but Mother Nature insists on filling my driveway with more snow. I’ll be snow blowing a few more times before this day is over.

MOTHER NATURE SUCKS!

01/20/2023 ๐Ÿ˜ทMedical Trivia๐Ÿ˜ท   3 comments

I’ve spent the last three years of my life immersed in our medical systems and believe me I’m not complaining. Our healthcare systems are almost certainly overpriced but since they’ve kept me alive for the last three years, I don’t mind so much. Another plus for me is that I’ve had more time than I ever thought possible to read and digest ten tons of medical jargon and terminology. Am I any smarter? Probably not, but I picked up a boatload of trivia and useless information that I feel obligated to pass onto you. Here are some facts you probably never wanted to know but what the hell, here they are anyway

Did You Know . . .

  • There are more than 2 million sweat glands (estimated 2,381,248) on the skin of an average human, according to Gray’s anatomy.
  • The technical name for a human armpit is the axilla.
  • If you ever see a human being with uncontrollable winking of the eyes, they are exhibiting symptoms of blepharospasms.
  • The only bone in the human body that is not connected to another bone is in the throat, at the back of the tongue. It is a horseshoe shaped bone called the hyoid.
  • The largest organ in the human body by weight are the lungs. Together they weigh approximately 42 ounces. The right lung is 2 ounces heavier than the left, and the lungs of males are heavier than the female.

  • Could you find your buccal cavity? It’s not a trick question, that is the terminology used for the inside of your mouth.
  • Were you aware that the epidermis, the outer layer of skin, replaces itself every four weeks.
  • The kidney was the first organ ever transplanted. The operation was by Dr. Richard H Lawler in 1956. His patient Ruth Tucker, lived for five years with her new kidney.
  • Did you know there are approximately 45 miles of nerves in the adult human body?
  • The average lifespan of a human being’s tastebud is from 7 to 10 days.

HUMAN BODY’S ARE AMAZING – THE PEOPLE UNFORTUNEATELY ARE NOT

01/16/2023 ๐Ÿ’€Grave Subjects๐Ÿ’€   2 comments

In my younger days I spent a great deal of time wandering through the graveyards of Southern Massachusetts. I’ve always liked cemeteries and some of the oldest graves in the country can be found in and around the Plymouth area. Say what you want about the Pilgrims, but they brought their love of catchy epithets from the old country, and they are some of the best. I spent many hours sketching cemeteries and painting a number of interesting oil paintings which allowed me to sit for hours in a quiet and serene place. Here is a small collection of epithets from this country and others.

From Church Stretton, Shropshire, England

On Thursday she was born,

On a Thursday she made a bride,

On a Thursday put to bed,

On a Thursday broke her leg, and

On a Thursday died.

๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€

From a churchyard in Oxfordshire, England

Here lies the body of John Eldred,

At least, he will be when he’s dead.

But now at this time he is alive,

The 14th of August, Sixty-five.

๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€

From Middlefield, Massachusetts

Old Thomas Mulvaney lies here.

His mouth ran from ear to ear.

Reader, tread lightly on this wonder,

For if he yawns, you’re gone to thunder.

๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€

From Keeseville, New York

Here lies a man of good repute.

Who wore a No. 16 boot.

Tis not recorded how he died,

But sure, it is, that open wide,

The gates of heaven must have been,

To let such monstrous feet within.

๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€

From Chelmsford, Essex, England

Here lies the man Richard,

And Mary his wife.

Their surname was Pritchard,

They lived without strife.

And the reason was plain,

They abounded in riches,

They had no care or pain,

And his wife wore the breeches.

๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€๐Ÿ’€

Here’s a favorite from a grave in Winslow, Maine and proves that short and sweet is always the best.

Here lies the body of John Mound

Lost at sea and never found.

*****

NOW, SIT DOWN AND WRITE YOUR OWN

01/15/2023 ๐Ÿˆ๐ŸˆHilarious Sports Quotes”๐Ÿˆ๐Ÿˆ   Leave a comment

In the past I’ve had my fun with statements made by baseball players, football players, and basketball players. Just to be fair I thought today would be a good day for some ridiculous statements from an assortment of other sports to include some of their genius sportscasters and their pearls of wisdom.

  • And he’s got the ice pack on his groin him there, so it’s possibly not the old shoulder injury. -Ray French, rugby sportscaster
  • Venezuela! Great, that’s the Italian city with the guys in the boats, right? -Murad Muhammad, on being told about a boxing match in South America
  • And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue. -TV billiards commentator
  • I don’t want to tell you any half-truths unless they’re completely accurate. -Dennis Rapoport, boxing manager
  • It’s about 90% strength and 40% technique. -Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist wrestling champion

๐Ÿ€๐Ÿ€๐Ÿ€

  • Cycling is a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets. -Daniel Mean, commentator
  • It’s a catch he would’ve caught 99 times out of 1000. -Henry Blofeld
  • I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost. -Frank Bruno, boxer
  • The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. -Murray Walker
  • There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious. -Alan Minter, former prizefighter

โšฝโšฝโšฝ

  • We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other. -Barry Back, New York Ranger, explaining a championship game brawl
  • If I wasn’t talking, I wouldn’t know what to say. -Chico Resch, New York Islanders goalie
  • He called me a rapist and a recluse. I’m not a recluse. -Mike Tyson, boxer
  • On what? -boxer Chris Eubank, when asked whether he thought about writing his autobiography.
  • It’s basically the same, just darker. -Alan Kulwicki, Stock-car racer, on racing at night instead of during the afternoon

โšพโšพโšพ

ENJOY YOUR WILDCARD SUNDAY

Next Year!!!

001/14/2023 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅMusic Limerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

I realize that many of you out there are avid music fans. I’m addicted to oldies from 1958 through 1974 and have thousands of songs from that era. I like a lot of the new stuff too but I’m able to pick and choose the ones that really get me going. While we are all music lovers, my second passion is limericks and interesting poetry. So, with that in mind I decided that today my limerick selections would be G rated and concern music and musicians. I hope you enjoy them as much as you enjoy your music.

๐ŸŽต๐ŸŽต๐ŸŽต

By Anonymous

There was a composer named Liszt

Who from writing could seldom desiszt.

He made Polonaise.

Quite worthy of praise,

And now that he’s gone, he is miszt.

๐ŸŽน๐ŸŽน๐ŸŽน

By Ogden Nash

A bugler named Dougal MacDougal

Found ingenious ways to be frugal.

He learned how to sneeze

In various keys,

Thus, saving the price of a bugle.

๐ŸŽธ๐ŸŽธ๐ŸŽธ

By Paul West

All of a sudden, the great prima-donna

Cried, “Heavens! My voice is a goner!”

But a cat in the wings

Cried, “I know how she sings,”

And finished the solo with honor.

๐ŸŽผ๐ŸŽผ๐ŸŽผ

By Anonymous

There was a composer named Bong

Who composed a new popular song.

It was simply the croon

Of a lovesick baboon,

With occasional thumps on the gong.

๐ŸŽท๐ŸŽท๐ŸŽท

YOUR TURN TO HUM A FEW BARS

01/11/2023 “More Riddles from the 80’s”   Leave a comment

A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .

  • How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
  • Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
  • Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
  • What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
  • Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!

  • What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
  • What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
  • How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
  • Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
  • What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!

HAVE A RAUNCHY DAY!

01/09/2023 “War of the Sexes”   Leave a comment

I’m a bit of a fanatic using quotes on many of my posts since I normally use them to further verify a point or opinion I’m trying to make. I’m a believer than even though many of the persons I quote are long dead, their opinions and thoughts are still valid. Human nature unfortunately doesn’t change all that much from one generation to another. Back in the day there were just as many annoying a-holes as there are today. The funny thing is they express their a-holeness in exactly the same way. This just further supports my use of them whenever I deem it necessary. Not all quotes are friendly and nice and there are just as many derogatory things said about damn near everyone as not. Let’s take a look at a few not so flattering quotes concerning men by a group of less than happy women.

  • “A man is a creature with two legs and eight arms.” Jayne Mansfield
  • “God created Adam. Then corrected her mistake.” Brooklyn Woman’s Bar Association
  • “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” Charlotte Whitton
  • “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Gloria Steinem
  • “I married beneath me. All women do.” Nancy Astor

  • “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” Anonymous
  • “The man is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” Jilly Cooper, Cosmopolitan Magazine
  • “I require three things on the man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.” Dorothy Parker
  • “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • “Adam came first, but men always do.” Anonymous

THE WAR OF THE SEXES CONTINUES

01/08/2023 “Sarcasm”   Leave a comment

I’m feeling somewhat sarcastic today. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me because I’ve been accused by many of using sarcasm every time I open my mouth. I can’t deny that accusation because it’s mostly true. I use sarcasm as both a weapon and also for defense against ignorance and noitallism. Noitallism is a word I’ve created to describe a common malady among certain people who think they know everything and can’t wait to rub your nose in their vast quantity of knowledge. It’s an ongoing game of verbal chess that I really do enjoy. Those of us who live for sarcasm have an interesting way of thinking as reflected by our sarcastic definitions of common words. Here are a few examples:

  • AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over 50 to remind them that they will soon be dead.
  • ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are 100 times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.
  • ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.
  • ACNE: Nature’s way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.
  • ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as the kill-me-now syndrome.

  • BANK: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can’t make it to the post office.
  • COFFEE: A laxative that you can buy in the same place that sells croissants.
  • EROTIC: Titillating, causing arousal. In other words, all the things you have to picture to look like you’re enjoying it with someone who would never let you do the things you’re picturing.
  • FOREPLAY: Two minutes of boring displays of affection that must be endured if you want to get to the good stuff.
  • FRIEND: A person you use to pass the time between relationships.

  • INTERESTING: A word meaning “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say.”
  • LIKE: A word that somewhere in the late 20th century began to be used as the connective tissue in all spoken sentences, despite the fact that the words on either side of it need nothing to connect them in the first place.
  • LOVE: A deep and abiding affection that compels you to go to the bitter end with someone you should probably have ditched at the altar.
  • SHAME: The realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.

There you have it folks, your first introduction to some of the new and improved sarcastic definitions. A special thanks goes out to the VP of sarcasm, James Napoli, and all of us sarcastic SOB’s that seem to piss off just about everyone.

SARCASM RULES!

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