Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag

07/13/2021 Political Insights (Not Mine)   Leave a comment

Over the years I’ve wasted a great deal of my valuable time and efforts arguing about politics and political strategy. How stupid am I? Don’t answer that. It always feels good at first when your spewing your expert opinions to anyone who will listen. Fifty percent of them listen politely, smile, and later talk about what a boar you’ve become. The other fifty percent listen politely, wait until you’ve stopped talking, and then begin filling the air with their opinions and nonsense. They’ve listened to none of your ideas but waited patiently for you to shut up. You just gotta hate those A Type personalities.

I’ve always enjoyed finding and reading quotations from deceased politicians and a very few politically deceased politicians. Some are inciteful but many are not. The current hoard of elected officials never have quotes that are even a tiny bit interesting. Realizing that has forced me to find some lesser known politicians and journalists with quotes from the past that could actually impart some information that’s worth reading. You may not recognize some of the names but the quotes will speak for themselves.

“A politician must often talk and act before he has thought and read.” Thomas Babbington (1859)

“A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation.” James F. Clark (1888)

“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Bertrand Russell (1951)

“The press conference is a politician’s way of being informative without saying anything. Should he accidently say something, he has at his side a press officer who immediately explains it away by “clarifying” it.”

Emery Kelen (1960)

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” Groucho Marx (1977)

“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

Adlai Stevenson (1952)

These kinds of quotations were once plentiful but no longer. With newspapers losing readership there’s much less chance of any pearls of wisdom making the headlines. It’s truly a damn shame. Here’s one last and extremely old quote which remains as true today as it did in 1947.

“Politicians . . . rise predominantly from . . . the “lower middle class””; most are self-made men . . .; most depend on their political jobs for a livelihood and most have little time, inclination, of opportunity for adult education; hence the dominating qualities of so many are greed, vulgarity, attention to special interest, avarice, and selfishness.

John Gunther (1947)

05/19/2021 Facebook’s Stupid #*!# Signs   Leave a comment

I’m a huge internet rat and have been for years. I’ve seen ten thousand things I like and unfortunately a hundred thousand things I hate. Facebook has been going downhill in recent years in my humble opinion. I understand their need to continually come up with things to maintain and increase their numbers but come on . . . .

This recent rash of postings with people standing around with an arm load of signs attempting to take up as much of my time as possible to deliver a message to some blindfolded idiot. The individuals standing there being blindfolded and videoed are just sooooooooooo surprised and amazed. FAKE…FAKE…FAKE

Add to that the BS drama of outing a cheating partner or spouse with dozens of stupid flash cards makes me want to scream. It’s obvious to me that the ridiculous sign gimmick is just being used to increase their face time on-line. While some of them are somewhat believable the great majority are just LAME. Add into that all of the cheesy marriage proposals and I immediately feel the need to hurl.

Just as a side note: I’m a proud veteran who served for years. I don’t mind seeing the return-home videos but it has become ridiculous. People are posting happy returns from someone who served for 6 months in a training situation. As with everything on Facebook, these fads run their course after a time and become silly.

2d Side Note: Someone should make a universal announcement to the planet that the old and very stupid gimmick of wrapping a present in an endless number of packages became overused in the 1970’s. It’s just like bell bottom pants and platform shoes. SO OVER !!!!!

I expect nothing of importance from Facebook anyway so it’s hard to disappoint me. This crap will continue to clog the internet and drive any normal person mad.

04/14/2021 Spring is in the Air   Leave a comment

After the last eighteen months of my illness there are many things that I’ve really missed.  The Pandemic being the least of them. With all of the various surgeries, cancer, and chemotherapy dominating my every thought I’ve come to appreciate a long list of many little things that I took for granted for most of my life.  The adage “Stop and Smell the Roses” suddenly means something.  I’m glad I still have time left to really appreciate each and every one of them.

Spending an hour or two totally lost in a painting.

Spending time over the last few years watching two grandsons becoming thinking and intelligent little men. 

Realizing after all these years just how precious these days have come to mean to me while sitting on the deck with my better-half enjoying the first sunshine of Spring.

Relaxing and sipping a Jack and Coke that I’m  finally able to have now that my newly rebuilt liver permits it.

Being able to bitch and complain about anything that irks me and not giving a good damn about what people think.

Enjoying all of the freedoms that come with old age that you can’t really appreciate until you get here.

You can thank my better-half and three glasses of Jack and Coke for this posting.  Maybe it will give those of you approaching the AARP age of fifty that it’s not quite as bad as you might think.  When you’re given lemons make lemonade but make sure you have some Jack Daniels in it.

07-19-2017 Presidential Thoughts and Other C.R.A.P   2 comments

Now that Mr. Trump has been elected it’s been a real treat watching the Liberals and Mainstream Media losing their minds.  The truth about media bias is no longer the big secret it once was except for those of us who have been paying attention for years. I thought after a few months of this nonsense it would gradually ease up but it hasn’t. They continue to chew on that dried up old bone until their brains explode. I’m a patient guy who will gladly wait around to watch their continuous escapades to strike out at Mr. Trump with little or no success.

This next item was sent to me by a friend. The first line is a the Medias lame attempt to belittle the President as being nothing more than a former reality television star.  The fact that he is also a billionaire real estate developer is never mentioned.

Senator (To Be) Caitlyn Jenner

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Caitlyn Jenner has joined the list of celebrities who are considering running for political office in the United States following the election of former reality television star Donald Trump as president. 

The remainder of the article concerned a short list of celebrities just dying to enter the political arena to teach the rest of us mouth-breathers just how things are supposed to be done.  I say let them try.  If we can have Obama for eight years and survive, we can live with Senator Caitlyn Bruce Jenner,  Senator Kid Rock, or God forbid, President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Just more humorous shit to enjoy as the country slowly slides towards some sort of Third-World status. Maybe we could start a new type of NATO organization to help keep us safe from our enemies. It could be called CRAP, the Cluster of Real Arab Pals.  We could take a firm stand against Europe, China, and Russia with our new allies  Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Syria, and Saudi Arabia. We could sit around the meeting table and try desperately to convince each other what a bunch of bad asses we once were and how we will eventually rule the world.  It’s much too depressing to contemplate.

I’m trying my hardest to not get into a rant about all of this but it isn’t easy. Let me calm down some and pass along a humorous joke sent my way recently from a friend in Kansas City.  Here it is:

I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?” The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

“THIS POSTING HAS BEEN APPROVED BY C.R.A.P.

 

09-18-2016 Journal – Nature Trivia!   Leave a comment

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I’ve always been a lover of Nature and almost anything related to it.  As a photographer I spend as much time as I can out-and-about communing with Mother Nature.  I come by it honestly because as a kid growing up I spent more than half of my time in the woods with my friends. We lived on the edge of huge state park directly adjacent to the Allegheny River and knew every inch of the place.  My father, a hunter, spent a lot of time explaining about local wildlife and how they lived and traveled in the wild. It was just a very cool place to grow up.

So I thought I’d share a few interesting factoids about Nature with you. Here they are.

  • Every year the world’s deserts produce 1.7 billion tons of dust.
  • Nature reserves and national park cover 3% of the worlds surface.
  • Over 99.9% of the land on earth is not occupied by a person at a given time.
  • A tenth of the world’s population relies on the Ganges for water.
  • It takes one hundred years for the deep-sea clam to grow to the length of a third of an inch.

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  • Nearly half of the carbon dioxide emitted by humans since the beginning of the nineteenth century has been absorbed by the oceans.
  • An estimated 30% of Earth’s ice-free land is directly or indirectly involved in livestock production.
  • Since the formation of the solar system 4.6 billion years ago, the sun has become 25-30% hotter.
  • More than 90% of the world’s rubies come from Burma (or whatever they’re calling it these days).
  • Lake Baikal in Russia contains about 20% of the world’s fresh water.

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That’s it for today. It’s time to turn off this computer and get to work in the yard. Winter’s coming and the garden has to be deconstructed.

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ENJOY YOUR DAY OF REST

 

07-29-2016 Journal – Sleeping Naked?!   Leave a comment

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I mentioned in a previous post that I was looking forward to a few days vacation while my better-half was babysitting at her daughter’s home.  It’s coming to an end today and while I’ve missed her terribly my sleep has been much improved.  I actually slept for a full eight hours last night for the first time in months.  Add that together with a large bed, a beautiful ceiling fan, and my naked butt . . . it was glorious.

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This is sleeping OMFG naked.

I take a look of heat from my better-half because I insist on sleeping naked. Since leaving home at age eighteen and except for two years in the Army this is my preferred method of sleeping.  I’m confused as to why so many people roll their eyes when I tell them that.  Are they prudes?  Are they religiously offended? Who knows.  One thing for sure I will defended myself vigorously if someone decides to ridicule me.

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I first have to determine exactly where they’re coming from before I retaliate.  Do they object to the word NAKED or the fact that I’m really bare assed naked in bed. I like for critics to be specific to avoid confusing me because there is a term that’s overused in some areas of the country that is similar but has a totally different meaning. That word is NEKID!  Sleeping nekid means something very different than sleeping naked.  Being nekid means there won’t be much sleeping going on and the nekid person is there to take care of business (if you get my drift).

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Who knew Harry and Draco slept nekid?

Upon her return to our bed tonight I will greet her very, very naked with serious thoughts of becoming nekid at some point.  For you critics out there don’t be afraid to think outside-the-box (no pun intended) for a change. You won’t regret it.

WELCOME HOME BABY!

07-27-2016 Journal – Unexpected Vacation Days!   Leave a comment

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I’m still on my first cup of coffee this morning. I’ve been awake for an hour and only left my bed once. I’m relaxing and preparing for my day which I hope will remain calm and restful.  I’m trying to decide what I’ll be doing with my unexpected few days of  vacation I’m on. Anyone who is in a lengthy relationship knows that any day your spouse or partner is away doing something is a free vacation (mental health) day. We certainly never tell them that’s how we feel but facts are facts.

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My better-half has once again volunteered to help out her daughter and son-in-law by babysitting their children for three days while they’re on vacation in Los Angeles. I volunteered to stay at our home while she travels to their residence to be with the kids.  She’ll be staying there until the weekend and it’s my job to arrive in a timely fashion with takeout meals and moral support.  That’s the kind of job I really like.  For a change I’m able to avoid a total commitment of my time and energy to others and to enjoy my alone time   Hooray for me.

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I get to spend my day working on a painting I started a few days ago for which I need real peace and quiet to do.  I hope to make serious progress over the next three days while listening to music that soothes me instead of hurting my ears.  It could be as close to heaven as I can get these days  and I intend to make the most of it.  It will end soon enough.

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My biggest chore for today is to decide what food I need to buy for their dinner and  when to deliver it to her and the kids.  I suspect she’ll be damn glad to see me after chasing the two toddlers, two dogs, and two cats around the house for half a day.  I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy but she seems to love it. I’d better remember to throw a couple of cold beers into the food bag as well.  It’ll be just like tossing a life vest to a drowning man.

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Well, I’d like to keep writing but my stomach is rumbling and wants to be fed. I’ll make us a delicious breakfast, drink another cup of excellent coffee, and count my blessings once again. I can picture in my head my better-half, the two little boys, two dogs, and two cats all snuggled together in bed for the next two nights. I can’t help but smile a little and when no ones around to hear I can laugh my ass off.

Special Note to Self: Be sure to give her a thorough flea and tick inspection upon her return. We don’t need any tiny livestock catching a ride to our house.

WHO DOESN’T LOVE VACATION DAYS

06-11-2016 Journal–Things I Luv (Revised)   Leave a comment

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In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek.  Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love.  I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult.  These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.

  • My Better-half (Always first or else.)
  • My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
  • Peace & Quiet
  • My Mental Strength
  • Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
  • Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
  • A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
  • Growing Anything
  • Eating soup
  • A really dirty joke or limerick.**

** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things.  These limericks and jokes  are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.

Limerick #1

There was a woman named Lucille

who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill

they found her vagina in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil.

Limerick #2

There was a young man from Brighton

Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.

He said, "Oh my love,

It fits like a glove."

Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."

Limerick #3

A gay young man from Khartoum,

took a lesbian up to his room.

They argued all night,

as to who had the right

to do what, with which and to whom.

Joke #1

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Joke #2

The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"

So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?

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ENJOY YOUR DAY

05-26-2016 Journal–Miscellaneous Updates!   Leave a comment

As summer looms in my future I’ve been attempting to close out some existing projects to make room for what’s to come.  My infusion of hot peppers in tequila has finally ended with the hot peppers almost bleached white as you can see. I took a small sample and gave it a taste test and was very very hot.  I can’t wait to give it a try in a my first attempt at a Hot Pepper Margarita. I think it will be fine for me and my better-half but I doubt if most people will be able to handle the heat. We’ll see very soon.

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‘The Tequila sucks the color and heat from them.’

My second project has been the Sake that’s almost ready for bottling. Within the next few days I’ll begin the bottling process and finally be done with it. It’s taken a little longer than usual due to it’s refusal to clear.  It’s looking good now and it also has passed my first taste test.

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‘Nice and clear.’

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Today I’ll be making my second visit to the Saco Police Department. I’m trying to renew my permit allowing me to carry a concealed weapon for another four years.  I’ve held permits in multiple states in the past but I have to say the state of Maine isn’t quite as difficult as some others.  My reapplication was only ten pages long and in comparison to some states it’s rather short. I’ve finished the forms, obtained a new and handsome picture of myself, and a check to the city, of course, for $20.00. By far the cheapest fee I’ve ever paid for this constitutional privilege.

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CAN’T LET THE BUREAUCRATIC MINUTIA GET ME DOWN

4-30-2026 Journal–Cuss’in & Swear’in!   Leave a comment

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Now that I have grandchildren running through the house occasionally I’ve been forced to curb my use of all cusswords.  I’ve always loved cursing and swearing but stopping cold-turkey has been tough.  I have no doubt they’ll be picking up a few dozen new cuss words at home and especially at daycare. We can only hope they don’t pick up too many of the really good ones for a while yet.

I decided to do a little research into cussing as it applies to what will be their daily lives soon enough.  Before I do that I thought I’d give you a short history lesson too.  Here’s a few retro cusswords from back in the good old days.

 Old School Cussing

Heavens to Betsy

Jumpin’ Jahosafat

Yikes

Gadzooks

Holy cow

Sugar

Dagnabit

flippin’

Geez Louise

Jeez oh man,

Fudge

Eat it … RAW

Hell’s bells

Oh Shoot

Great Caesar’s Ghost

Jiminy Cricket

Holy Mary-Mother of God

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They sound so lame to us now but back in the day they got the job done with us kids.  My Mom knew all of these and a few more modern words as well.  Now lets take a look at cusswords in use in the USA today. Some fool took the time to do a study to determine what states used certain cusswords  the most. Here are the results.

Asshole – New England, Nevada, Oregon, Utah, Arizona

Bitch – Texas through the Carolinas – Along the coast.

Darn – Most of the Great Plains states.

Shit – Texas to Delaware along the coast.

Fuck – All coastal states, East, West, and South.

Motherfucker – Southwestern states and Maine’s

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Before too long our grandchildren will on the Web and getting introduced to Facebook and Twitter and all of the associated idiots who roam there. Here is some information and usage on both of those sites.

Twitter

Detailed work by researchers at Wright State University in Ohio has found that 34.7% of all the swearwords in their sample of 51m tweets were "fuck" or one of its long list of cognates.

In comparison, the second and third most popular swearwords – "shit" and "ass" – accounted for 15.0% and 14.5% respectively, while other highlights included "bitch" (10.3%), "hell" (4.5%), "whore" (1.8%), "dick" (1.7%), "piss" (1.5%) and "pussy" (1.2%). Between them, the top seven make up 90.6% of all the swearing on Twitter.

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Facebook

Someday, when aliens are sifting through Facebook data to find out what 21st-century humans thought and cared about, they’re going to see a lot of shit. That’s the most popular swear word on Facebook, according to an analysis by Slate. In the three-day period queried, shit appeared in 10.5 million U.S. Facebook interactions, fuck in 9.5 million, damn in 6.3 million, bitch in 4.5 million, and crap in 2 million.

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This next section applies directly to Rap Music. It’s always been known for bad language and we find out now that criticism was totally justified.  I feel bad for the fool that had to sit through this terrible music to complete this study.  It must have been brutal.

Rap Music

  • 217.7 cuss words-per-album average.
  • One song from the study had, on average, 13.76 instances of profanity.
  • Too $hort’s 1985 album Raw, Uncut & X-Rated was the most profane album, clocking 49.8 curse words per song.
  • The most profane artists per song were The Geto Boys, as they uttered cuss words on average 46.4 times per song. The second-most vulgar artist? Geto Boys’ Scarface, with 33.3 cuss words per song.
  • Bun B’s song “Some Hoes” had the most instances of profanity in its lyrics with over 113 cuss words. The words “nigga” (51 times) and “ho” (46) make up the majority. However, the study qualifies that Lil Jon’s “Roll Call” is perhaps the most vulgar with 329 cuss words but it was not used in the study.
  • The most profane year in Hip-Hop from the study was 2001 with 22.66 cuss words per song.

If both grandson’s can last more than fifteen minutes in this cuss filled society without becoming cussing experts it will be nothing short of a miracle.  Since I believe that “turn-about is fair play” I’ll just wait until they start cussing on their own then I’ll step in and add a few of mine.

SHIT ! ! !

IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR FACEBOOK, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.