Archive for the ‘stupid’ Tag

11/08/2022 “Strange History”   Leave a comment

Today is a good a day as any to look back through history to find some strange rules, laws or customs. In the past I’ve shown some seriously strange laws still on the books in this country. Now let’s take a trip back into history look at some of their foibles because in truth some of theirs are way stranger than ours.

  • It was once proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be enacted a two-dollar tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
  • A law was passed in England requiring all corpses to be buried in a wool shroud, thereby extorting support for Britain’s flagging wool trade. The act was repealed 148 years later, in 1814.
  • The average age of Elizabethan and Jacobean brides was about 24 and their bridegrooms around 27. The primary reason for delayed marriages was to limit births among poor people. The higher the social status, however, the younger the age at marriage.
  • As in Abraham’s time, it was the custom among men in Rome, when swearing to tell the truth, to place one’s right hand on one’s testicles. The English word testimony is related to this custom.

  • When a Chinese bystander ashore was killed accidentally by a cannon salvo of greeting from an English ship, during the early days of the China-Western trade, the English were forced to turn over to China the hapless gunner, who was promptly strangled.
  • The Tinguian people of the Philippines have their own way of kissing. They put their lives close to each other’s face and quickly inhale.
  • In 1853 Illinois passed a law that required any black entering the state and staying more than 10 days to pay a fine of $50. If he could not pay, the black could be sold into slavery for a period commensurate with the fine.
  • Over the centuries, playing cards have been put to strange uses. They became the first paper currency of Canada when the French governor, in 1685, use them to pay off some war debts. In 1765, the year of the Stamp Act, when every pack of playing cards was being taxed one shilling, they were also used for class admission at the University of Pennsylvania. Napoleon even used them as a ration cards during the French Revolution.
  • The town of High Wycombe in Buckinghamshire, England, carries on the multi-century custom called the “Weighing-in Ceremony.” In early May, the town’s mayor, mayoress, deputy town mayor, deputy mayoress, town clerk, and district counselors representing wards in the town’s boundaries are weighed in order to learn if they have grown fat at the public trough.

ISN’T HISTORY ENLIGHTENING?

10/22/2022 Law Enforcement   Leave a comment

As I was rummaging through my collection of books I discovered one I forgot I had. It was buried beneath a pile of other useless information. It’s called Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader and I gave it a quick read. Being a former cop and an employee of the Maine Criminal Justice System, I tend to read things about the courts and laws before anything else and I’m glad I did. The Bathroom Reader made me aware of some strange and ridiculous laws from around the country. Here are just a few.

  • The law prohibits barbers in Omaha, Nebraska, from shaving the chests of customers.
  • In St. Louis Missouri, it’s illegal for you to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb.
  • In cotton Valley, Louisiana, law forbids cows and horses from sleeping in a bakery.
  • The maximum penalty for double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.
  • In the state of Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on a Sunday.

  • In Las Vegas Nevada, it’s against the law to pawn your dentures.
  • If your 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.
  • In California, it’s illegal to hunt whales from your automobile. It’s also against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.
  • It’s illegal to sleep with your boots on in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
  • In Natoma, Kansas it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

These 10 items are mild compared to some of the others I’ve seen over the years. We Americans are great at passing a law after law but very lax in eliminating silly crap like this from the rolls. I’m going to make an effort to finds a few that are even crazier than the ones you just read.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE, MY ASS

09/09/2022 “CLASSIFIED ADS”   Leave a comment

I decided to dig into the archives for a few of my favorite classified adds from a number of sources. How many of these would motivate you to call?

  • Free puppies . . . part German Shepherd/part dog.
  • Cows, calves never bred . . . also one gay bull for sale.
  • Full sized mattress: 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Free, one can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 bedroom, 2 bath home.
  • Get a Little John. The Traveling Urinal – holds two and half beers.

  • Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
  • American Flag – 60 stars – pole included – $100.00.
  • Our sofa seats the whole mob – and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
  • Open House – Body Shapers Toning Salon – Free Coffee and Donuts.
  • Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00.

As I’ve heard it said so many times in the past: “You just can’t make this shit up!” After reading through Craig’s List, it wasn’t much better there. Yikes!

GIANT A-HOLE FOR SALE . . . CALL THE WHITE HOUSE ASAP

08/18/2022 πŸ’₯MORE RETRO RIDDLESπŸ’₯   1 comment

It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .

  • What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
  • When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
  • What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
  • What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
  • Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!

  • Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
  • Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
  • What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
  • What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
  • What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!

SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND

08/06/2022 “RAUCHINESS”   5 comments

My favorite word today is “Raunchy”. It’s not a word that’s heard too often these days, but I’ll do my best to do it justice. Another of my favorite things are riddles. As a kid we enjoyed them, and they were always fun. I’ll merge them together and give you ten “Raunchy Riddles” from the 1980’s. Here we go.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How fast can a girl go when she’s having sex? 68 . . . If she went 69, she’d blow a rod.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.

Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blonds

What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy? Her knees.

What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.

Why don’t men mind women claiming to be the foundation of our country? Because they know who laid the foundation.

What’s worse than a centipede with athletes’ foot? Captain Hook with jock itch.

What’s the French method of self-defense? Tung Fu

Why was the Duchess on her knees? She was down for the Count.

DON’T YOU JUST LOVE THE 80’S?

08/04/2022 Mish Mosh   Leave a comment

Once again here is a collection of what the hell ever”. A mixture of stupid advertisements, bumper stickers, and whatever else I happen to find on my desk. TGIAF (Thank God It’s Almost Friday)

Newspaper Headlines

Statistics Show that Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

πŸ˜—πŸ˜—πŸ˜—

Newspaper Classified Ads

Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5-finger, oine 3-finger, pair: $15.00

Bill’s Septic Cleaning – “We haul American-made products.”

For Sale – An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

😜😜😜

Malaprops From Grade School and High School Exams

Afterward Moses went up on Mt. Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

Most words are easy to spell once you get the words write.

The air is thin high up in the sky. Down here it’s fat.

Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.

😏😏😏

THIS IS GOOD PREP FOR THE WEEKEND

06/26/2022 πŸ™‰More MalapropsπŸ™‰   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

06/18/2022 “Classified Ads”   Leave a comment

I thought I’d regale you with more of that useless information I continue to collect. Since everyone seems to be so fascinated by Craigs List ads and personal ads on those numerous dating sights, I thought today would be a good day for me to jump into that end of the pool. Here is a collection of classified ads that are strange, odd, misprinted, and really funny. Would you be the person to respond to ads like this? I’ll bet you would.

  • “Wanted: Man, to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
  • “Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
  • “Wanted: Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to the growth of the family.”
  • “One man, seven-woman hot tub – $850/Offer.”
  • “Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
  • Free: One can of pork & beans with the purchase of a three bedroom, two bath home.”
  • “Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty, like new, slight urine smell.”
  • “Nice parachute – never opened – used only once – slightly stained.”
  • Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out a while . . . better be a reward.”
  • For sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.”

It seems to me after reading all of these ads they’re no worse than those approved and published by numerous stupid newspaper editors across the country.

ONLY THEIR SPELLCHECKER SEEMS TO WORK

06/03/2022 Raunchy Riddles   Leave a comment

A few days ago, I was digging around in the garage and going through some old boxes of what I thought were useless items. I came upon a book that was printed in 1985 which contained a host of one-liner raunchy jokes along with a few truly stupid riddles. Since a few of my family members continue to mumble and grumble about some of the so-called tasteless limericks I post, let’s see what they think about a few of these “oldies but goodies”.

  • What happens if a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out!
  • How do dogs make love? Everybody nose!
  • Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray ” S.S.Y.”? Because it takes the “PU” out of pussy!
  • Why did Donald Duck divorce Daisy? Her quack was too big!
  • What’s better than watching a girl wrestle? Seeing her box!
  • What’s a French chastity belt? A catcher’s mask!
  • Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? A guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest!
  • What’s the definition of a lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses when it slips out!
  • Why did the Greek take his wife on his business trip? Because he couldn’t leave her behind alone!
  • What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? A counterfeit dollar bill is a phony buck!

Well, there you have ten of some of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard. Everybody’s always saying how much they loved the “good old days”, but not me. I think it’s time to take this book and put it back in the box in the garage and hopefully in ten more years maybe it will be funny, but I doubt it.

1981 Bumper Sticker

DID JOHN SMITH POCAHONTAS?

05/08/2022 Weird Retail   1 comment

I’ve worked in a retail environment on a number of occasions during my somewhat illustrious career. Here are a few weird facts about retail related businesses and people. I know they may seem hard to believe but trust me when I say these are just the tip of the iceberg for weirdness. Enjoy . . .

Prostitution is legal in Germany; however, income from prostitution is taxed at a slightly higher rate than income from other occupations.

One in 10 Europeans was conceived on an IKEA bed, according to the company.

There are more copies of the IKEA catalog printed each year than the Bible.

The average child recognizes more than 200 company logos by the time they enter elementary school.

One in four homeless people in South Korea has a credit card.

There are approximately 18,000,000 items for sale at any given moment on eBay.

There are approximately $680 worth of eBay transactions every second.

The Malaysian government has banned car commercials featuring Brad Pitt because they are “an insult to Asians.”

First Starbucks opened in Seattle in 1971 at 2000 Western Ave., across.

from the historic Pike Place Market.

A Romanian taxi driver says his business has swelled since he started playing pornographic films in his cab for his customers.

According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, 50% of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.

The world’s first bra made completely of chocolate has gone on sale in Austria.

A Serbian tie maker is planning to launch a new range of penis cravats for the man who has everything.

A Colombian airline has promised free flights for life to any baby born on board one of their planes.

The first naked flight was made in 2003 carrying 87 passengers from Miami, Florida, to Cancun, Mexico.

πŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’Ÿ

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE

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