Archive for the ‘Quotations’ Category

06/26/2022 🙉More Malaprops🙉   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

06/21/2022 What . . . Huh?   Leave a comment

I love sharing quotations with you and I have more of them than I have limericks. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true. Most quotations are meant to offer up some sort of truth or to pluck at our sentimental heartstrings. Those are all fine and good but really not the ones I like best. I love celebrity quotes because most of them are humorous, and they help to humanize celebrities that always need a little humanizing. Here are a few I discovered.

  • “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas A. Edison
  • “Music should strike fire from the heart of man and bring tears from the eyes of woman.” Ludvig von Beethoven
  • “Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.” Ogden Nash
  • “If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.” Sir Paul McCartney
  • “I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” Fran Leibowitz
  • “There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” Mark Twain
  • “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

LET’S HOPE THEY NEVER STOP REGALING US WITH THEIR WISDOM

06/18/2022 “Classified Ads”   Leave a comment

I thought I’d regale you with more of that useless information I continue to collect. Since everyone seems to be so fascinated by Craigs List ads and personal ads on those numerous dating sights, I thought today would be a good day for me to jump into that end of the pool. Here is a collection of classified ads that are strange, odd, misprinted, and really funny. Would you be the person to respond to ads like this? I’ll bet you would.

  • “Wanted: Man, to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
  • “Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
  • “Wanted: Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to the growth of the family.”
  • “One man, seven-woman hot tub – $850/Offer.”
  • “Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
  • Free: One can of pork & beans with the purchase of a three bedroom, two bath home.”
  • “Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty, like new, slight urine smell.”
  • “Nice parachute – never opened – used only once – slightly stained.”
  • Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out a while . . . better be a reward.”
  • For sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.”

It seems to me after reading all of these ads they’re no worse than those approved and published by numerous stupid newspaper editors across the country.

ONLY THEIR SPELLCHECKER SEEMS TO WORK

06/17/2022 “Forgettable Quotations”   Leave a comment

If you’ve read this blog at all your well aware that I love citing quotations. I’m a firm believer that quotes that are remembered and repeated often have some sort of meaning that touches people. Unfortunately, some quotable people offer up quotes that are remembered for their stupidity and ignorance. Today I will cite a few that I’d prefer to forget, and I hope you will as well.

  • “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” Mariah Carey
  • “We went to Atari and said, “Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?” They said, “No.” So, then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, “We don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.” Steve Jobs looking for financial backers for the Mac.
  • “Atomic energy might be as good as our present-day explosives, but it is unlikely to produce anything very much more dangerous.” Sir Winston Churchill
  • “The Edison Company offered me the general superintendency of the company but only on condition that I would give up my gas engine and devote myself to something really useful.” Henry Ford
  • “True, I’ve been a long time making up my mind, but now I’m giving you a definite answer. I won’t say yes, and I won’t say no, but I’m giving you a definite maybe.” Samuel Goldwyn
  • “Rock ‘n Roll is phony and false, and some, written, and played for the most part by cretinous goons.” Frank Sinatra 1957
  • “I believe that Mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So, is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat? I don’t know.” Playmate Barbie Benton

I think that’s about enough of these stupid quotes but unfortunately during my research I discovered there’s probably many more of these than the one’s worth remembering.

HAVE A PLEASANT UNQUOTABLE WEEKEND

06/11/2022 “Artists?”   2 comments

I’ve always considered myself something of an artist. Most artists lack a certain amount of self-confidence about their works and don’t even understand why. I know I do. Other people view artists entirely different than the artists themselves. It’s something I’ve been trying to figure out for most of my life and no matter how much I create I always have doubts about my abilities. Even the people close to me don’t get it at all. It’s frustrating to say the least and I’ll probably never figure it out. Every artist I’ve ever known suffers through the same nonsense in one way or another. Here are a few quotes about art and artists from some of the greats of history.

  • “All art is subversive.” Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
  • “An artist must have his measuring tools not in the hand, but in the eye.” Michaelangelo (1475-1564)
  • “The more I become decomposed, the more sick and fragile I am, the more I become an artist.” Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890)”
  • “Today, as you know, I am famous and very rich. But when I’m alone with myself, I haven’t the courage to consider myself an artist, in the great and ancient sense of the word . . . I’m only a public entertainer, who understands his age.” Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

It makes me feel better about myself when I hear doubts voiced by great artist like Picasso. I can put my doubts to rest for now but without question they’ll return as soon as my next project begins.

“IT IS ART, AND ART ALONE, THAT REVEALS US TO OURSELVES”

(Oscar Wilde 1854-1900)

06/02/2022 Limericks X 2   Leave a comment

I thought today we might start the month of June with a collection of limericks. This is what can be called a double dose because these limericks were written about limericks. I know it sounds confusing, but you’ll get the gist once you start reading. Enjoy . . .

The limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical.

But the good ones I’ve seen

So seldom are clean,

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

😷😷😷

If you find for your verse there’s no call,

And you can’t afford paper at all,

For the poet, true born,

However forlorn,

There’s always the lavatory wall.

😉😉😉

The limericks callous and crude,

It’s morals distressingly lewd.

It’s not worth the reading

By persons of breeding,

It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.

🥴🥴🥴

Oh limericks, Dr. Jekyll’s oblivious,

Till his alter ego is delirious.

Then it can’t be denied

Such rhymes by Mr. Hyde

Will be lecherous, lewd and lascivious.

🤪🤪🤪

That’s it for today. Keep checking in on a daily basis because I’m planning a full week of limericks that will definitely not be acceptable to the younger generation. Let’s call it “Questionable Limerick Week”. I’m compiling the list of limericks as we speak.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

05/31/2022 “Rich v. Poor”   Leave a comment

Today I’d like to discuss a topic that politicians have used against us for years. The old saying “the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer” has been used by the liberal left for decades to influence the vote at every election. The strategy of “Divide and Conquer” remains valid after centuries of misuse around the world. Since I’m neither rich nor poor, I will offer a few tidbits to keep some of those arguments alive.

It’s also true that the “rich” are constantly criticized by almost everyone. Their every move is watched and analyzed, and every problem of the society is blamed on them. Is it unfair? To a certain extent it is. I also believe that there’s plenty of blame to spread around that encompasses every special interest group you can think of. Of course, the rich are their own worst enemy at times and these statements will provide proof of that . . .

  • Martha Stewart had this to say during an interview. “I have a beautiful weekend house in the Hamptons, but it is not, as it turns out, my summer dream house. It doesn’t have the view of the ocean that I absolutely want. It doesn’t have the rustic wood floors that I absolutely crave. It doesn’t have a little dock to which I can tie my little rowboat. And it doesn’t have the shallow water of a quiet lagoon where I can pick my plants.”
  • When a reporter asked him to confirm the speculation that he was worth over $1 billion, J. Paul Getty thought for a moment and replied, “Yes, I suppose it’s true, but one billion dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to.”
  • When an elderly John D. Rockefeller, Sr., learned that members of his family intended to give him an electric cart to aid him in getting around his estate, he told them, ” If you don’t mind, I’d rather have the money.”
  • Newport spinster Edith Wetmore, who died in 1966, never entered a grocery store until she was over eighty years old, when a friend took her to an A & P. After shopping the aisles, she wheeled her cart to a checkout counter. But Miss Wetmore, whose income was $6000 a day, did not have a cent in her purse so her friend was forced to pay the bill.

What these samples have shown is that when you’ve reached a certain level of wealth your entire outlook on everything changes. I’m not making excuses for the rich, but they see things from quite a different perspective when it comes to living their life. I know if someone dropped a couple of million dollars into my bank account, I’d take a whole different approach to money and how to use it.

Will this ridiculous bickering continue, probably? Apparently, no one has the solution or if they do, they’re not sharing it with anyone. This battle will continue to the end of time when only two people are left. One will have a penny and the other will not. You can be sure that the guy with the penny will almost certainly lord it over the other.

SOMETIMES THE HUMAN RACE JUST SUCKS

05/27/2022 “Pearls of Wisdom”   1 comment

Have you ever heard or read a quotation that really grabs you? Those are the ones I try to search out and keep in my archives. They don’t have to come from some great mind like Einstein or Stephen Hawking because many of their quotes don’t do them justice. The list below are a few quotes that grabbed me the first time I read them. Let’s see if they grab you . . .

  • “What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” Ellen Burstyn
  • “The superior man is distressed by the limitations of his ability; he is not distressed by the fact that men do not recognize the ability he has. Confucius
  • “Integrity has no need of rules.” Albert Camus
  • “Everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.” Leo Tolstoy
  • “Misfortunes one can endure – they come from outside; they are accidents. But to suffer for one’s own faults – ah, there is the sting of life.” Oscar Wilde
  • “He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.” Joseph Joubert
  • “The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross in which to burn.” Laurence J. Peter
  • “A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.” Doug Larson
  • “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself he becomes wise.” Alden Nowlan
  • “The older you get, the greater you were.” Lee Grosscup

05/26/2022 “War is Hell”   Leave a comment

I’ve been watching the news from Russia and the Ukraine rather closely, as I suspect everyone has. The motivation for the conflict by Putin is something we can only guess at. Of course, he wants power, and he wants to rebuild the USSR and return to his glory days which were the days of his youth. Of course, a lot of his motivation is economic as well but it’s a full-time job struggling with his massive ego. In my opinion he’s done nothing but “shoot himself in the foot” or in more crasser terms “he stepped on his dick”. Not being a professional politician it’s only possible for me to guess at these things. I prefer to look for answers from an expert who knew about wars, up close and personal.

George Washington was an American military officer, statesman, and Founding Father who served as the first president of the United States from 1789 to 1797. Appointed by the Continental Congress as commander of the Continental Army, Washington led the Patriot forces to victory in the American Revolutionary War.

George Washington (1732 – 1799) from a letter to John Bannister, 21 April 1778

“Men may speculate as they will, they may talk of patriotism; they may draw a few examples from ancient story, of great achievements performed by its influence; but whoever builds upon it as a sufficient Basis for conducting a long and (bloody) War will find themselves deceived in the end . . . A great and lasting War can never be supported on this principle alone. It must be aided by a prospect of Interest or some reward. For a time, it may of itself push Men to Action, to bear much, to encounter difficulties; but it will not endure unassisted by Interest.”

I would hate to surprise and shock everyone when I say this loudly for all to hear:

PUTIN, YOU’RE NO GEORGE WASHINGTON

05/25/2022 “Flying High”   Leave a comment

Let me start by saying I hate flying. Over the last 30 years I must’ve flown 500 times while working for a number of companies. It was “white knuckle” all the way for me, every flight, every airline. I had no choice but to fly but I didn’t like it one bit and still don’t. It was not the actual flying that bothered me, only the people flying the plane. I’m too much of a control freak to be comfortable having someone else with my life in their hands and that’s never going to change. Since we’re talking about airplanes today here are a few tidbits about the history of aviation.

  • Twenty-one of the first twenty-three astronauts who flew on space missions were either an only child or were firstborn sons.
  • The first aerial photograph was taken from a balloon during the United States Civil War.
  • After the first moon walk, in 1969, Pan American Airlines began accepting reservations for commercial flights to the moon, dates and time unspecified. More than 80,000 requests poured in immediately.
  • The first coast-to-coast airplane flight in the United States from New York City to Pasadena, California, by Galbraith P. Rogers in 1911, took 49 days. Obviously, there were many, many stops.
  • After the Wright brothers had flown four times on that historic day in 1903 at Kitty Hawk, a gust of wind overturned and wrecked their wooden flyer. They stuffed the pieces and fabric coverings into barrels and shipped them back to their bicycle shop in Dayton Ohio.
  • A German inventor placed an engine on an aircraft in 1900 and flew it successfully, three years before the Wright brothers. The inventor was Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin, but the aircraft was not heavier than air. Von Zeppelin had invented the dirigible – the “Zeppelin”.
  • The first “airmail” letter in the United States was written by President George Washington, who gave it to the Frenchman, John Pierre Blanchard, to carry with him on the first balloon flight in America.
  • Astronauts circling the earth may get to see 16 sunrises and 16 sunsets every day.
  • The first freight shipped by air from Chicago was loaded under an armed guard. Handled by National Air Transport, in 1927, the item was a “ten gallon” Stetson hat to be delivered to Will Rogers, the popular comedian.
  • A 31-year-old airplane mechanic named Douglas Corrigan took off in his monoplane from Floyd Bennett Field in New York in July 1938, and supposedly headed towards his home in California. The next day he landed in Ireland, saying, “I guess I flew the wrong way.” He became famous, paraded down Broadway, made a movie, and earned the nickname that stuck with him from then on, “Wrong Way Corrigan”.

HAPPY FLYING

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