Archive for the ‘silly’ Tag

11-07-2014 Journal Entry–DST BS!   1 comment

thDQTAGEWH

‘From the time when we believed the government knew what the hell it was doing.’

Gray, cloudy, cold, wet, Maine, Fall, Daylight Savings Time, and OMFG. The last few days have kinda sucked in so many ways.  It’s too crappy to go out to do much of anything because of the weather which left me no choice but to find things to do in and around the house. The best that I could come up was to sit and look out the picture window at 5:30 am waiting for the town workers to come by and paint the new lines on the recently paved road. I actually found myself getting a little excited.

I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s long overdue for the powers-that-be to once and for all eliminate the insanity that is Daylight Savings Time. I’ve never really heard a reasonable explanation as to why it is necessary and for every explanation put forth there are two reasons given explaining why it’s all so much BS.

thQ1FPW2Q5

‘From the time when hoe actually meant hoe.’

I’ve been hearing my whole life those famous words, "spring forward, fall back".  It’s time to dispel all of the misinformation that’s been shoveled our way by a government that probably has no clue as to why it’s doing this foolishness at all.  Here are a few uninteresting facts about DST that you’ve probably never heard before and might just help convince you it’s time to scrap this stupid old idea once and for all.

  • Germany was the first country to implement DST on April 30, 1916 when the clocks were set forward at 11:00 pm (23:00). (When have the Germans ever been right about anything?)
  • US inventor and politician Benjamin Franklin first proposed the concept of DST in 1784, but modern Daylight Saving Time first saw the light of day, in 1895 in New Zealand.  (Even Ben could be wrong once in a while.)
  • Some studies show that DST could lead to fewer road accidents and injuries by supplying more daylight during the hours when more people are on the roads. (Total  BS)
  • Other studies claim that people’s health might suffer due to DST changes. (I sure agree about this one.)
  • It is claimed that DST is also used to reduce the amount of energy needed for artificial lighting during the evening hours. However, many other studies totally disagree and dispute any DST energy savings capabilities. (Again, no agreement on the possible benefits which might just mean they’re really aren’t any.)
  • Today clocks are almost always set one hour back or ahead, but throughout history there have been several variations, like half adjustment (30 minutes) or double adjustment (two hours), and adjustments of 20 and 40 minutes have also been used. (More confusing answers with no agreements on any one point.)

thKSGRTWU5

‘Everyone seems to agree that Native Americans have the ability to understand things we don’t. This is a perfect example.’

I’ve had it explained to me my entire life that when improvements are introduced, technological or otherwise, we should fight our instincts not to change and just DO IT.  There’s absolutely no consensus that DST is accomplishing anything but we still keep doing it. I realize for some of you it may seem to be fun to have your sleep cycles, bodily functions, and general well being screwed with by the government but I do not.  By the time I’ve finally adjusted to this stupid hour change it’s time to switch back.  Utter and complete government sponsored insanity.

STOP THE MADNESS!!!

04-17-2014 The Search for Justice and Fairness!   2 comments

I can’t even begin to remember just how many times over the years I’ve taken attorneys, the ACLU, and the court systems to task.  I feel I’m as qualified as anyone to bitch and complain about the system because of my long career of working with hundreds of attorneys, judges,and a host of criminal and civil defendants.  Everyday that goes by we hear strange stories about  how screwed up things have become  with the courts and unfortunately the weirder the story the more likely it is to be true. 

I received the following information from a friend who is a retired law enforcement individual with more years of experience than anyone I know.    I pass it along for your amusement and  with a great deal of sympathy for us all.

th1FOSWEKL

THE STELLA AWARDS

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head.

Here are the Stella’s for year — 2013:

* SEVENTH PLACE *   

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict , considering the running toddler was her own son

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps .  

* FIFTH PLACE *  

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun .  

thXENQROFR

* THIRD PLACE *  

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument .

*SECOND PLACE *   

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses.

And last but certainly not least:

* FIRST PLACE *

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her  $1,750,000 and a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their operator’s manuals as a result of this suit. 

I could continue telling these kind of stories for hours but the point has already been made.  Sue anyone for anything at anytime regardless of the circumstances.  Welcome to the “Land of the Free” and the home of the “Incredibly Stupid”.

02-09-2014 Hooray, It’s Cliché Day!   1 comment

cli·ché

/kliˈʃeɪ, klɪ-/  [klee-shey, kli-] noun

1.a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, that has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse, as sadder but wiser, or strong as an ox.

2.(in art, literature, drama, etc.) a trite or hackneyed plot, character development, use of color, musical expression, etc.

3.anything that has become trite or commonplace through overuse.

4.British Printing.

a. a stereotype or electrotype plate.

b. a reproduction made in a like manner.

adjective

5.trite; hackneyed; stereotyped; clichéd.

The word cliché comes from two origins:

  • A sound – The French used the word to describe the sound that a matrix, or a mold with letters on it, made when it was being dropped into molten metal to make a printing plate.
  • A printing plate – Oddly enough, the printing plate itself was called a cliché or a stereotype and it was one of the first movable types in the world.

* * *

I like to stay ahead of the game and to be all things to all men but that’s easier said than done at times. I always try to hammer out  things, leave no stone unturned, to give you a leg up on  events and to dish the dirt religiously. 

I love to punch the clock, push the envelope, and push people’s buttons whenever possible. I may pull someone’s leg but I’ll never pull any punches or leave you in the lurch. I’m the master of the left-handed compliment and I’ll do my level best to harp on a point and let the chips fall where they may.

I probably should quit while I’m ahead but I so enjoy pulling the rug out from under people who need it.  I’ll  let the cat out of the bag in a New York minute because it’s all in a day’s work here at Every Useless Thing.

I’ve seen the handwriting on the wall while pounding this Internet pavement and while I operate tongue-in-cheek I’ll touch all the bases, tilt at the appropriate windmills and draw a bead on whoever tickles my fancy.

I try to fair and balanced but sometimes it’s a tough row to hoeIt goes without saying that the Internet can be all things to all men but many people love playing fast and loose with the truth.  It occasionally causes me to throw caution to the wind, find the liars and throw them under the bus. 

With this posting I’m trying to determine if I could on a good day use clichés to make small talk and supply you with food for thought.  Most days I operate off the top of my head scrounging around for nuggets of information to help me let off a little steam. To make a long story short, I’ll never hold my tongue. I’ll continue to call a spade a spade especially when I’m on the warpath about something. Don’t believe everything I say hook, line and sinker but if the shoe fits, wear it.

IT’S ALL IN A DAY’S WORK!

02-02-2014 Happy Ground Hog Day!   2 comments

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.  ~Bill Vaughn

Today is one of my favorite stupid and senseless holidays.  It’s one that was cooked up by a bunch of German immigrants  from Pennsylvania many years ago.  As I’ve explained in years past, I’ve had an up-close and personal relationship with “Phil” and all of the nonsense that takes place in Punxatawney, PA.

It’s a tongue-in-cheek celebration to the entire world except for a few idiot local politician’s looking to get some face-time on the news.  Even a groundhog is smart enough to know that there’ll be six more weeks of winter when it’s only freaking February.

As I surfed around today I found a web page that must be having a really slow month when it published the following  list of eleven reasons why we should be celebrating this auspicious occasion.

11. It’s on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.

3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.  ~Maori Proverb

I apologize if you nodded off midway through that list.  I’m not saying I could have done better but OMG.  I think the author might have reconsidered that list when both of his hands fell asleep as he typed it. They were that bored. It is just a real yawner . . . . .

“The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.”  ~Patrick Young

I know that many of you think Groundhog Day is lame but this year the impossible finally happened to make it unlame.  Some NFL genius scheduled the Superbowl on Ground Hog Day just so they could steal some of good old “Punxatawney Phil’s” thunder. It’s just those damn sports fanatics attempting to glom on to Phil’s fan base. Just a shameless maneuver on their part.

HAPPY GROUND HOG DAY EVERYONE

SEATTLE RULES!!

01-10-2014 Silly and Stupid Day   Leave a comment

I’m declaring today as Silly Day. As I’m feeling right now I have no interest in anything important. I don’t want to discuss the problems of our society, questions about the universe or the reason why my legs and butt cheeks hurt when I get up in the morning. None of that is least bit important today.

I have quite the collection of quotes and sayings and adages for every occasion but today Silly and Stupid reign supreme. The following tidbits address just about anything you’d like to think about and do so in a silly and stupid way. These tidbits have been obtained from all sorts of strange and wonderful sources from TV shows, philosophers, and even a comedian or two.

We all need to laugh once in a while.  Enjoy!

  • Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  – Rita Mae Brown
  • A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  – Sir Winston Churchill
  • Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.  – Anonymous
  • Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you’re William Hurt. – Phil Dunphy of Modern Family
  • Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  – Carl Zwanzig
  • Home is heaven and orgies are vile but I like an orgy, once in a while. – Ogden Nash
  • A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  – Jack Benny
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.  – Fred Allen
  • Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.  – From the movie Naked
  • Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.  – Colin Sautar
  • Who says nothing is impossible.  I’ve been doing nothing for years.  – Anonymous
  • A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.  – Robert Brault
  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  – Anonymous
  • She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.  – Mae West
  • She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand.  – Saul Bellow

  • After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  – P.J. O’Rourke
  • I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  – Elayne Boosler
  • If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.  – Song title by Jimmy Buffet
  • Man was predestined to have free will.  – Hal Lee Luyah
  • Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.  – Aldous Huxley
  • Murphy was an optimist.  – O’Toole’s Commentary
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  – Bill Watterson

  • You can’t have everything… where would you put it?  – Steven Wright
  • He’s turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he’s miserable and depressed.  – Harry Kalas
  • I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  – Anonymous
  • Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.  – Anonymous
  • Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  – P.D. East
  • As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.  – Robert Brault
  • I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.  – Dave Beard
  • There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.  – Jerry Seinfeld
  • And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”  – Anonymous
  • When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  – Anonymous
  • A great name for a new country song:  If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out of Jail by Now.  – Anonymous

    • A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  – Fred Allen
    • Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  – H.L. Mencken
    • A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  – Anonymous
    • A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t. – Anonymous
    • All generalizations are bad.  – R.H. Grenier
    • All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  – Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe
    • The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  – Tom Waits
    • Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  – Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

Did I lie? Silly and Stupid. I just felt like lightening matters up today because if I take a peek into the real world it depresses the hell out of me. Politics sickens me and listening to drug company commercials and the constant stream of advertisements on every bit of media almost every second of every day of every year for the rest of my effing life makes me want to scream out loud.

The weekend is coming, so let this steaming pile of minutia get you in the right frame of mind.

12-30-2013 Humorous New Year’s Thoughts   2 comments

I thought today’s posting should reflect the thoughts and feelings of someone other than myself concerning the New Year and the accompanying celebrations. I’d normally throw in a few celebrity quotes about New Year’s but I’m not going to do that this year. I’ve learned over the years that the best common sense quotations are written by only one person, Anonymous.

The following collection of thoughts were collected from and written by  people who wish to remain anonymous. Being anonymous gives a person a certain amount of freedom to say what they really think and to be as sarcastic and humorous as necessary. This is the stuff I love and I think you will too.

Almost everything I could think of saying about New Year’s, the celebrations, and the big party in the Big Apple, are reflected in these anonymous thoughts. It never ceases to amaze me just how funny and insightful we humans can be.  See if you agree.

* * *

  • I do not make new year’s resolutions. The only thing I do in excess is be awesome, I’m not going to stop that in 2014.
  • I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.
  • Let’s kiss on New Year’s Eve 2013 as if we might have a future together in 2014.
  • Let’s resolve to repeat last year’s mistakes.
  • Here’s to ending the New Year still having a job that you still wish you didn’t have.
  • This year let’s resolve to make better bad decisions.
  • My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.
  • I hope the world ends in 2014 so I can’t be held accountable for my New Year’s resolutions.
  • Thanks for inviting me to a New Year’s party I’ll have no recollection of attending.
  • My excuses for already failing my New Year’s resolution are more complicated than the fiscal cliff deal.
  • Let’s never speak of 2013 again.
  • May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did.
  • My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
  • Let’s put significant pressure on ourselves to have a fun New Year’s Eve.
  • Let’s pencil each other in for a New Year’s Eve kiss, with the understanding we’ll drop each other if someone better comes along.
  • I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2014, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP.

  • My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.
  • I want to kiss you at midnight and pork you at dawn.
  • It may be the antidepressants talking, but I’m feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014.
  • Now that the holiday blues are over, let’s resume our everyday melancholy.
  • Here’s to drinking enough that we’ll need Ryan Seacrest to help us count backwards from ten.
  • Here’s to having a fresh start at binge eating, boozing, and slacking off.
  • Lets attend an opulent New Year’s Eve party so we can briefly ignore the horror of our impending poverty.
  • Wishing you even a minuscule percentage of the wealth and attention that has been showered upon the Kardashian fetus in 2013.
  • My resolution is to get healthier while still destroying myself with alcohol and drugs.
  • I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.
  • Gaining 20 lbs over the holidays makes your New Year’s resolution of losing 10 less impressive.
  • Let’s decide which champagne we’re going to barf.
  • I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.
  • The only thing I gained from 2013 was weight.
  • Dear God, my prayer for 2014 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did this year.
  • This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.

* * *

I enjoyed more than a few chuckles reading through this list and I can’t think of a thing I’d want to add. I hope your New Year’s celebration remains somewhat sane and that you return safely home in one piece.  You wouldn’t want to start 2014 with any broken bones, wrecked vehicles, or DUI’s.

Everyuselessthing will return on 01-02-2014

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!

Drink Responsibly

12-17-2013 A Little Holiday Tombstone Humor   Leave a comment

It’s Tuesday and we have seven shopping days left until Christmas.  Are you stressed, pissed, and have you completely lost your sense of humor?   Well, welcome to the club.  Since Christmas has both the ability to excite and depress me I think a little darkness is necessary which fits right in with my current mindset. I’ve collected tombstone epithets for years and even took to the graveyards of Massachusetts while living there and made gravestone rubbings of some of the more interesting. They are at times poignant, heartfelt, funny,  and even sarcastic.  They do tend to get right to the point about the dearly departed who would be spinning in their graves if they ever read them.   I hope they make you smile like they do for me.

  • Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a 44, no Les, No More. Tombstone, Arizona
  • Of children in all she bore twenty-four: Thank the Lord there will be no more.  Canterbury, Kent, England
  • Here lies the body of John Mound, Lost at Sea and never found. Winslow, Maine
  • Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. Killed by a sky-rocket in my eye socket.  Frodsham, Cheshire, England
  • Here lies John Ross, Kicked by a horse.  Channel Islands, England
  • Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style 350 dollars. Springdale, Ohio
  • Neglected by his doctor, ill treated by his nurse, his brother robbed the widow, which made it all the worse. Dulverton, Somerset, England
  • Stranger approach this spot with gravity; John Brown is filling his last cavity.  A Dentist
  • Beneath this stone old Abraham lies; Nobody laughs and nobody cries. Where he is gone and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares.  For Abraham Newland
  • Beneath these stones repose the bones of Theodosius Grim; He took his beer from year to year, and then the beer took him.  A Beer Drinker
  • Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go.  Enosburg, Vermont
  • Grim Death took me without any warning, I was well at night and dead in the morning.  Sevenoaks, Kent, England

I looked up a few others in my archive since I know you all love your celebrities.  Some are cute, some lame,  but who really cares?

  • My Jesus, mercy” Al Capone
  • “The best is yet to come.”  Frank Sinatra
  • “This is the last of Earth! I am content!”  John Quincy Adams (1767 – 1848)
  • “Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King. He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney ‘Billy the Kid'”  Billy the Kid (unknown)
  • “That’s all, folks!” Mel Blanc (the epitaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig.
  • “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”  Winston Churchill
  • “She did it the hard way”  Bette Davis
  • “Nothing’s So Sacred As Honor And Nothing’s So Loyal As Love”  Wyatt Earp
  • “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world”  Robert Frost
  • “Hey Ram” (Translated “Oh, God”)  Mahatma Gandhi
  • “Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m Free At Last.”  Martin Luther King, Jr.
  • “Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.”  Karl Marx
  • “Truth to your own spirit”  Jim Morrison

GET SOME REST, ONLY SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

12-16-2013. Resolutions   Leave a comment

I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just  once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.

Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.

Drink Less Alcohol

Eat Healthy Food

Get a Better Education

Get a Better Job

Get Fit

Lose Weight

Manage Debt

Manage Stress

Quit Smoking

Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle

Save Money

Take a Trip

Volunteer to Help Others

I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing.  However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens.  Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.

  • Visit your local senior center.
  • Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
  • Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
  • Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
  • Learn how to use the Internet.
  • Schedule regular exercise.
  • Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
  • Get your papers/affairs in order.
  • Consider a personal emergency response system.

Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior.  Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.

  • I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
  • Focus more on the music.
  • By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
  • As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
  • Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
  • Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
  • Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
  • Take guitar lessons.
  • Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.

My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine  than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked  I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.

  • Work on my flexibility.
  • Whiten those teeth.
  • Work at least four days a week.
  • Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
  • Wake up sober on Thursdays.
  • I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.

All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for.  I’d hate to be forced to again  resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.

More to come.

11-28-2013 How’s Your Brain Today?   1 comment

Trying to understand the workings of the human brain is almost impossible.  I do know that the brain has the ability to make us see things in a different way when it becomes confused.  That’s one of the reasons that identifications at a crime scene by six people can be totally different from each other.  One person sees a white Buick and another sees a blue Ford.  It also explains why police don’t consider information obtained from eye witness testimony as entirely credible.  I have no idea why the brain works the way it does and for the most part I don’t care, just as long as it keeps operating.

The following information was sent to me by a friend and I thought it might be of some interest to some of you.  It’s a short test for your brain and your eyes.  Give it a go and see how you fare.

Can you read this? It’s a little weird but interesting!

7H15  M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG  7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD  BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17 
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3  PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD  1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

If  you can read this, you have a strange mind because I’m told only 55  people out of 100 can.

I  cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.  The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at  Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in  a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last  ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a  taotl mses and you  can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid  deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.  Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If  you can raed this forwrad it.

The  Eye Test
Can  you find the  B’s
(there  are 2 B’s) DON’T skip, or your wish won’t come  True…

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Once  you’ve found the B’s now find  the 1.

               
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Once  you found the 1…………….
Find  the 6

9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999699999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999 
9999999999999999999999999999999999

 

Once  you’ve found the 6…
Find  the N (it’s hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMNMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Once  you’ve found the N…
Find  the Q..

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

How did you make out?  Did you have any difficulties?  There are no right or wrong answers to these silly little tests.  Just something to give your brain some exercise.  There’s nothing worse than having a fat and lazy brain.

10-24-2013   Leave a comment

It’s time for all of you sports experts out there to find out how well or how badly you’ve done? Here are the promised answers that I intend to memorize for my own uses in our local tavern’s weekly trivia contest.  One of these days these factoids will finally pay off and win me a beer or two or three.

* * *

1.  The referee’s yellow flag. Taylor said he felt he deserved it because the ref’s “ threw it against me”  often enough.

2.  Tennis, at the 1900 games in Paris. Charlotte Cooper of Great Britain was the first gold medalist.

3.  New York Giant knuckleballer week Hoyt Wilhelm, in 1952.

4.  Jim Thorpe, in 1970. He did it a second time in 1919. Deion Sanders was the second athlete to accomplish the feat 70 years later, in 1989.

5.  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with 4657. Other career records he holds include number of minutes played (57,446), points scored (38,387), and field goals scored (15,837). He played from 1969 to 1989.

6.  O.J. Simpson, who racked up 2003 yards for Buffalo in 1973, breaking the previous record of 1863 yards set 10 years earlier by Jim Brown.

7.  Five.

8.  The red brick tenement that was his boyhood home once stood on the site of second base at Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium.

9.  Rookie Willie Mays.

10. “Little Warrior”. O’Neal is 7’1" tall.

* * *

Here’s the obligatory joke of the day.  Those of us who are historically Microsoft customers will really appreciate this.

* * *

Microsoft vs. General Motors

A few years ago at a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repaint the lines in the road, you’ll have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Apple Inc. will make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.  You’d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

* * *

And finally for those of you that love limericks and beer, here’s a rather tame one proving once and for all that it’s possible for limericks to be funny without being too filthy.

There once was a girl named Ann Heuser,

Who swore that no man could surprise her.

But Pabst took a chance,

Found a Schlitz in her pants,

And now she is sadder Budweiser.