Archive for the ‘silly’ Tag

01/22/2023 💥💥Nurse Limerick Alert💥💥   Leave a comment

I dedicate these limericks to all of the nurses I’ve known in my life and there’ve been a few. If there was ever a group that enjoyed naughty and lewd limericks, it’s them. Enjoy, all of you so-called nurse lovers.

🍆🍆🍆

An amorous writer of versus,

Was especially enamored of nurses.

But he found each advance.

In pursuit of romance

Met only with starchy reverses.

😷😷😷

A rosy cheeked nurse, from Dunellen,

Whom the Hoboken sailors called Helen,

In her efforts to please

Has spread social disease,

From New York to the Straits of Magellan!

🤕🤕🤕

There was a young nurse named Prentice,

Who had an affair with a dentist.

To make things easier,

He used anesthesia,

And diddled her, non-compos mentis.

🚑🚑🚑

An unfortunate nurse named Randall,

Hs the clap such as doctors can’t handle.

So, this forlorn young floozy

With her poor damaged coosie,

Must resume her delight with a candle.

🦽🦽🦽

A virginal nurse name of Lynne,

Shouted thus just before she gave in.

“It isn’t the deed,

Or the fear of the seed,

But that big worm that shedding its skin!”

❤️❤️❤️

WHO DOESN’T LIKE THE OCCASIONAL NURSE

LOL

01/17/2023 🏀Sports Limerick Alert🏈   Leave a comment

I’m getting a late start today due primarily to my better-half and her shopping safari. I also just have to mention that wicked and evil nurse who sucked six tubes of blood from me earlier. Truthfully having the blood drawn was way less painful than being the assistant to the shopping fanatic.

All I’ve been hearing for the last few days is football, football, and more football. While I am a fan, it’s becoming a bit much even for me. Today’s limericks are sports related but I’m an equal opportunity spreader of humor. I’ll try for a few that aren’t about football.

⚾⚾⚾

BASEBALL

A batter named Fatty McPhatter,

Had the gift of the gab with his patter.

“Whichever pitch comes,

I hit only home runs –

So, the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter!”

⚾⚾⚾

The slider just slid past the bag,

And the curveball? Too flat to get at.

The pitcher’s last ball

Was his fastest fastball.

So, I’m three-strikes-and-out. And that’s that.

⛳⛳⛳

GOLF

Golf is a four-letter word.

For a game that is clearly absurd.

Unless what you like

Is a long boring hike,

Dressed up like a half-witted nerd.

⛳⛳⛳

They say that ex-president Taft,

When hit by a golf ball, just laughed,

And said: “I’m not sore,

But although he called “Fore!”

The place where it struck him was aft!

HAPPY NO EFF’ING FOOTBALL TUESDAY

01/11/2023 “More Riddles from the 80’s”   Leave a comment

A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .

  • How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
  • Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
  • Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
  • What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
  • Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!

  • What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
  • What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
  • How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
  • Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
  • What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!

HAVE A RAUNCHY DAY!

12/31/2022 💥💥New Year’s Resolutions💥💥   1 comment

These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!

I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.

  • Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
  • Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
  • Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
  • Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
  • Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)

💥💥💥

  • No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
  • Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
  • Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
  • Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
  • Stay vertical.

💥💥💥

There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

Drive Safe

11/08/2022 “Strange History”   Leave a comment

Today is a good a day as any to look back through history to find some strange rules, laws or customs. In the past I’ve shown some seriously strange laws still on the books in this country. Now let’s take a trip back into history look at some of their foibles because in truth some of theirs are way stranger than ours.

  • It was once proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be enacted a two-dollar tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
  • A law was passed in England requiring all corpses to be buried in a wool shroud, thereby extorting support for Britain’s flagging wool trade. The act was repealed 148 years later, in 1814.
  • The average age of Elizabethan and Jacobean brides was about 24 and their bridegrooms around 27. The primary reason for delayed marriages was to limit births among poor people. The higher the social status, however, the younger the age at marriage.
  • As in Abraham’s time, it was the custom among men in Rome, when swearing to tell the truth, to place one’s right hand on one’s testicles. The English word testimony is related to this custom.

  • When a Chinese bystander ashore was killed accidentally by a cannon salvo of greeting from an English ship, during the early days of the China-Western trade, the English were forced to turn over to China the hapless gunner, who was promptly strangled.
  • The Tinguian people of the Philippines have their own way of kissing. They put their lives close to each other’s face and quickly inhale.
  • In 1853 Illinois passed a law that required any black entering the state and staying more than 10 days to pay a fine of $50. If he could not pay, the black could be sold into slavery for a period commensurate with the fine.
  • Over the centuries, playing cards have been put to strange uses. They became the first paper currency of Canada when the French governor, in 1685, use them to pay off some war debts. In 1765, the year of the Stamp Act, when every pack of playing cards was being taxed one shilling, they were also used for class admission at the University of Pennsylvania. Napoleon even used them as a ration cards during the French Revolution.
  • The town of High Wycombe in Buckinghamshire, England, carries on the multi-century custom called the “Weighing-in Ceremony.” In early May, the town’s mayor, mayoress, deputy town mayor, deputy mayoress, town clerk, and district counselors representing wards in the town’s boundaries are weighed in order to learn if they have grown fat at the public trough.

ISN’T HISTORY ENLIGHTENING?

11/07/2022 “Fads”   Leave a comment

What ever happened to all of those “pet rocks” that everyone loved? How about those fine-looking mood rings that were around for a time. Fads come and go and just when you think you’ve heard and seen it all, another bit of Fad strangeness comes along to baffle and amaze us. You might think our recent Fads are cool and awesome, but we are just the tip of the weird iceberg. So, grab your hula hoop and read on. It’s time to look at the past where our love for Fads originated.

1920 – Raccoon Coats

1924 – Flagpole Sitting

1939 – Goldfish Swallowing

1950 – Poodle Skirts

1955 – Coonskin Caps

1959 – Phone Booth Stuffing

1960 – Tie-dyed T-shirts

1970 – Platform Shoes

1973 – Puka Shells

1974 – Streaking

1975 – CB Radios

1976 – Pet Rocks

1980 – Rubik’s Cube

1982 – Smurfs

1983 – Cabbage Patch Kids

1993 – The Macarena

There’s the proof we’ve been looking for. The Fad gene goes all the way back to early cavemen. Did you honestly think that we really invented the “pet rock?” What will be next now that the “Spinner and Fidgit” fads has run out of gas. I hope the next one is a little more interesting.

HOW MANY OTHERS DO YOU REMEMBER?

10/20/2022 **Limerick Alert**   Leave a comment

I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.

*****

There was an old lady named Crockett

Who went to put a plug in a socket.

But her hands were so wet

She flew up like a jet

And came roaring back down like a rocket.

*****

There was a young fellow named Weir,

Who hadn’t an atom of fear.

He indulged a desire

To touch a live wire

(‘Most any old line will do here!)

*****

Said a foolish young lady of Wales,

“A smell of escaped gas prevails.”

Then she searched with a light,

And later that night

Was collected in seventeen pails.

*****

A certain young man of great gumption,

‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption

To go – but alack!

He never came back,

They say ’twas a case of consumption.

*****

WELCOME BACK TO A 1960’S SENSE OF HUMOR

10/17/2022 “Stupid Questions”   Leave a comment

I’ve worked closely for a variety of people over the years and I thought I’d heard every stupid question imaginable. Then I began reading about questions asked at National Parks and Tourist Visitor bureaus. Boy was I ever mistaken that I’ve heard it all. You just can’t make this stuff up.

*****

  • Which beach is closest to the water?
  • Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We’d like to go for a walk now.
  • Have we made peace with the Indians?
  • What is the best time of the year to watch deer turn into elk?
  • Where are Scarlet and Rhett buried and are they buried together?

*****

  • If you go into a restaurant in Idaho and you don’t want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?
  • I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?
  • Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?
  • What is the official language of Alaska?
  • Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.

*****

  • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
  • So whats in the unexplored part of the cage?
  • We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
  • What time does the two o’clock bus leave?
  • Did people build this, or did Indians?

HOW DO YOU ANSWER WITHOUT LAUGHING OUT LOUD?

09/24/2022 “Epithets”   Leave a comment

As I’ve stated many times in the past, I’ve always had a fascination with graveyards and cemeteries. With that thought in mind, here are a few of my favorite humorous epithets. It’s good to have a sense of humor even after death.

From Enosburg, Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

☠️☠️☠️

From Bayfield, Mississippi

Stranger pause. my tale attend,

And learn the cause of Hannah’s end.

Across the world the wind did blow,

She ketched a cold that laid her low.

We shed a lot of tears ’tis true,

But life is short – aged 82.

☠️☠️☠️

From Medway, Massachusetts

Beneath this stone, this lump of clay,

Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,

Who too early in the month of May

Took off his winter flannels.

☠️☠️☠️

From Canterbury, Kent, England

Of children in all she bore twenty-four:

Thank the Lord there will be no more.

☠️☠️☠️

From Chelmsford, Essex, England

Herer lies the man Richard,

And Mary his wife.

Their surname was Pritchard,

They lived without strife.

And the reason was plain,

They abounded in riches,

They had no care or pain,

And his wife wore the breeches.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOURS YET?

09/19/2022 💥Silly Limerick Alert💥   Leave a comment

It’s time once again for a few silly limericks circa 1960. These are fun limericks, and the creators will be listed if possible.

A cheerful old bear at the zoo

Could always find something to do.

When it bored him to go

On a walk to and fro,

He reversed it and walked fro and to.

😜😜😜

By Ogden Nash

A Bugler named Dougal MacDougal

Found ingenious ways to be frugal.

He learned how to sneeze

In various keys,

Thus, saving the price of a bugle.

😊😊😊

By Al Graham

A Martian named Harrison Harris

Decided he’d like to see Paris.

In space (so we learn)

He forgot where to turn

And that’s why he’s now on Polaris.

😏😏😏

By Berton Braley

Young Frankenstein’s robot invention

Caused trouble too awful to mention.

Its actions were ghoulish,

Which proves it is foolish

To monkey with Natures intention.

🥰🥰🥰

IT’S GOOD TO START A WEEK WITH SILLINESS

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