Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category

06/26/2022 🙉More Malaprops🙉   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

06/19/2022 “Malaprops”   1 comment

I’m sure some of you know the definition of a malaprop. If not, here it is. A malaprop is the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentional amusing effect. I really didn’t know the definition or the word myself but while posting yesterday I noticed two entries that amused me. After digging around in my books I discovered the term malaprop and a number of examples I thought you might find interesting and hopefully amusing. Here they are . . .

  • Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
  • Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
  • William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
  • The book was so exciting I couldn’t finish it until I put it down.
  • The difference between a king and a president is that king is the son of his father and a president isn’t.
  • The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
  • The Magna Carta provided that no freemen should be hanged twice for the same offense.
  • Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. Your head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
  • He saw three other people in the restaurant, and half of those were waiters.

Now you know what malaprops are. As I read them, I realized that I’ve seen samples of them many times before but never heard anyone use the term. I’m ambivalent about knowing it now and I’m almost sorry I made you aware of it. I may revisit this subject in the future or maybe not.

HAPPY MONDAY

06/18/2022 “Classified Ads”   Leave a comment

I thought I’d regale you with more of that useless information I continue to collect. Since everyone seems to be so fascinated by Craigs List ads and personal ads on those numerous dating sights, I thought today would be a good day for me to jump into that end of the pool. Here is a collection of classified ads that are strange, odd, misprinted, and really funny. Would you be the person to respond to ads like this? I’ll bet you would.

  • “Wanted: Man, to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
  • “Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
  • “Wanted: Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to the growth of the family.”
  • “One man, seven-woman hot tub – $850/Offer.”
  • “Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
  • Free: One can of pork & beans with the purchase of a three bedroom, two bath home.”
  • “Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty, like new, slight urine smell.”
  • “Nice parachute – never opened – used only once – slightly stained.”
  • Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out a while . . . better be a reward.”
  • For sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.”

It seems to me after reading all of these ads they’re no worse than those approved and published by numerous stupid newspaper editors across the country.

ONLY THEIR SPELLCHECKER SEEMS TO WORK

06/15/2022 🥴More Dumb Asses🥴   Leave a comment

I love reading stories about criminals being apprehended after being as stupid as we know they can be. For years I spent time reading the endless stories from the Darwin Awards about stupid ways to die. That got a little boring after a while, so I’ve now graduated to reading about stupid criminals. And it’s a special treat to read about them being a former police officer. So enough of this jibber-jabber, on to the idiots.

IDIOT #1

  • A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

IDIOT #2

  • A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

IDIOT #3

  • A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

IDIOT #4

  • The Belgium news agency Belga reported that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

YOU REALLY CAN’T FIX THIS KIND OF STUPID

05/31/2022 “Rich v. Poor”   Leave a comment

Today I’d like to discuss a topic that politicians have used against us for years. The old saying “the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer” has been used by the liberal left for decades to influence the vote at every election. The strategy of “Divide and Conquer” remains valid after centuries of misuse around the world. Since I’m neither rich nor poor, I will offer a few tidbits to keep some of those arguments alive.

It’s also true that the “rich” are constantly criticized by almost everyone. Their every move is watched and analyzed, and every problem of the society is blamed on them. Is it unfair? To a certain extent it is. I also believe that there’s plenty of blame to spread around that encompasses every special interest group you can think of. Of course, the rich are their own worst enemy at times and these statements will provide proof of that . . .

  • Martha Stewart had this to say during an interview. “I have a beautiful weekend house in the Hamptons, but it is not, as it turns out, my summer dream house. It doesn’t have the view of the ocean that I absolutely want. It doesn’t have the rustic wood floors that I absolutely crave. It doesn’t have a little dock to which I can tie my little rowboat. And it doesn’t have the shallow water of a quiet lagoon where I can pick my plants.”
  • When a reporter asked him to confirm the speculation that he was worth over $1 billion, J. Paul Getty thought for a moment and replied, “Yes, I suppose it’s true, but one billion dollars doesn’t go as far as it used to.”
  • When an elderly John D. Rockefeller, Sr., learned that members of his family intended to give him an electric cart to aid him in getting around his estate, he told them, ” If you don’t mind, I’d rather have the money.”
  • Newport spinster Edith Wetmore, who died in 1966, never entered a grocery store until she was over eighty years old, when a friend took her to an A & P. After shopping the aisles, she wheeled her cart to a checkout counter. But Miss Wetmore, whose income was $6000 a day, did not have a cent in her purse so her friend was forced to pay the bill.

What these samples have shown is that when you’ve reached a certain level of wealth your entire outlook on everything changes. I’m not making excuses for the rich, but they see things from quite a different perspective when it comes to living their life. I know if someone dropped a couple of million dollars into my bank account, I’d take a whole different approach to money and how to use it.

Will this ridiculous bickering continue, probably? Apparently, no one has the solution or if they do, they’re not sharing it with anyone. This battle will continue to the end of time when only two people are left. One will have a penny and the other will not. You can be sure that the guy with the penny will almost certainly lord it over the other.

SOMETIMES THE HUMAN RACE JUST SUCKS

05/29/2022 “Blessings & Curses”   Leave a comment

I’ve been writing this blog for more than 10 years and if you’ve read any of my postings you know that I’m a bit pragmatic in my beliefs. I’m not someone who believes in the mystical, superstitious, and nonsensical beliefs that exist with certain groups. Strangely enough there is a large portion of the population that does. I may not believe in these things, but I do read about them with the hope that someone can convince me otherwise.

I was recently reading a book titled The Book of Bizarre Truths. There’s a lot of information in that book concerning “curses” (both good and evil). I found this story interesting, funny, and sports related. Here it is . . .

This is called “Da Billy Goat Curse”. In 1945, William “Billy Goat” Sianis brought his pet goat, Murphy, to Wrigley Field to see the fourth game of the 1945 World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Detroit Tigers. Sianis and his goat were later ejected from the game, and Sianis reportedly put a curse on the team that day. After that, the Cubs had legendary bad luck. Over the years, Cubs fans experienced agony in repeated late season collapses when victory seemed imminent. Even those who didn’t consider themselves Cubs fans blamed the curse for the weird and almost comical losses year after year. Finally, in 2016, the Cubs broke the curse, winning the World Series for the first time since 1908.

Again, I don’t believe in curses or blessings but let me tell you a short and bizarre story. Many years ago, after I left the police department I started and ran a private investigation company. One dark and rainy night I met a client in the town of McKees Rocks in Pennsylvania at her home. This Romanian woman hired me to determine who her married lover was seeing on the side. I know it sounds a little weird but if you run a private investigation business “weird” is the operative word. Before she would officially hire me, she sat me in the center of the room on a chair, sprinkled some kind of weird and foul-smelling powder in my hair, all the while chanting quietly to herself in Romanian as she walked in circles around me. She assured me her blessing would guarantee my success and believe it or not she was right. I made the case two nights later, took my check, and got the hell out of there. I still don’t believe in blessings or curses, but it is interesting (and her check cleared as well).

DO YOU KNOW ANYONE YOU’D LIKE TO CURSE ?

05/24/2022 Hmmmmm!   Leave a comment

JUDGE REARRESTS LIMERICK ADDICT

After requesting limericks from readers yesterday I really didn’t expect too much of a response. Much to my surprise at 1:15 am I received the following limerick from an anonymous reader. The email was a one liner, “Here’s my favorite feminist limerick.” And here it is just as received:

There was young lady of Wheeling

Who professed a lack of sexual feeling.

But a cynic named Boris

Just touched her clitoris,

And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

I love anything that makes me laugh out loud and this limerick did. I’m not sure who exactly emailed it, but it has a definite female feel. What do you think?

And to end this post on a fun note, a happy yet stupid newspaper headline.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

(Space gas . . . who knew?)

HAVE A GREAT DAY

05/19/2022 Freaking Numbers   Leave a comment

You mentioned number freaking a few times over the past few years and it still fascinates me. The statistics and information compiled by number for readers boggles the mind or at least my mind. Their calculations are out there a little bit but interesting, nonetheless. Here are a few to tickle your fancy.

  • Theoretically you would have 4.72 sextillion bacteria in your body within 24 hours of being infection by a bug.
  • It would take 587 ticks simultaneously sucking to suck a man dry.
  • The average flow of water over Niagara Falls is 1,585,032 US gallons per second. It would take Niagara Falls 119 years, 293 days, to fill all five of the Great Lakes.
  • It is estimated that 45,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year. That calculates out to one injury every 18 minutes, 12 seconds.
  • A recent TV ad for a chain of optometrists claimed we each capture 24 million images with our eyes in a lifetime. Life expectancy in the US is approximately 77 years which calculates out to 101.2 seconds per image over the course of a lifetime.
  • There are about 109 million US households. The total amount spent by US advertisers every year is about $248 billion, of which the amount spent annually on TV advertisement is about $57 billion. That calculates TV advertising to approximately $522.94 household.
  • Approximately 152,467 square miles of the United States has been urbanized.
  • A wireless network across all of urbanized America would cost approximately 1 dollar per week per household. It would cost approximately $22.87 billion to operate such a network.
  • A golf course uses the same amount of freshwater as a town of 12,000 people.
  • On average a person will drink 31,996.52 quarts of water in a lifetime. With an average bathtub holding 528.34 quarts of water, you would be able to fill 60.56 bathtubs.
  • The land area in the United States, excluding lakes, is 3,536,294 square miles. If suddenly and without warning all of America’s convicted prisoners were to escape and disperse themselves equally across the country, each felon would require 1.66 square miles of land.

This is what happens when I have a slow news day and a lack of motivation to post. I’ll throw a few more of number freaking calculations your way as time goes on and I find some that are titillating.

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND

05/17/2022 🩸”Jig Saw”🩸   Leave a comment

It’s Tuesday morning and I just finished my first cup of coffee which by the way didn’t help one bit. I’m still tired because I haven’t been sleeping well for about a week. My latest addiction is haunting me through the nighttime hours and happily it’s over today. I wish I could explain how weird my dreams have become for the last week. Fortunately for me I can’t remember every graphic detail because they are so freaky. They have the ability to stay alive in my head long after I’ve gone to sleep, and it makes for one God awful night.

Enough with this cryptic nonsense, for the last week I’ve been watching all seven movies of the SAW series. For seven nights the last thing I see before going to bed has been one solid hour of extremely detailed and graphic violence. What’s a little mayhem, bloodletting, and chopped off limbs among friends? On top of all of that my fear of clowns has been reinvigorated.

It’s even having an effect on my recreational abilities. I’ve been working on an exceptionally difficult jigsaw puzzle and just sitting in a dark and quiet house focusing totally on that puzzle has me looking over my shoulder and jumping at every sound the house continues to make. Up until a week ago I had only seen the first movie of the series. I thought it was gory, scary, and all of those things you expect in a horror movie. I certainly don’t recommend binge watching seven hours of what the SAW series brings to the screen. It is nice to know that a lot of Hollywood’s actors and actresses were probably lining up around the block so they can be butchered and killed in a SAW movie.

THANK GOD IT’S OVER (LOL)

05/16/2022 “Pessimism”   Leave a comment

I’ve been described by some as being cynical. Name calling aside, I feel I’m more of a pragmatist than a cynic. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and free to voice it on this blog. But be aware that a response from me is almost always immediately forthcoming. I only ask for accuracy. It’s easy to throw words around but make sure you know what the hell you’re talking about. As you’ve probably guessed I’m responding to a rather pompous ass of a reader who I can only assume doesn’t understand the English language. I could be as profane as he was, but profanity isn’t always the way to go. I’ll give him credit where credit is due, he knows a lot of profanity but not how to use it effectively. He criticized almost everything I’ve had to say about anything. He’s down on government but primarily against those people who dare to speak the truth about the government and its political leanings. Everything is a “vast right-wing conspiracy” or so says his favorite genius, Hilary.

It’s time for my first English class to begin and the secret word for today is “Pessimism”. For my profane reader this basically describes you. You hate everything and nothing is the way it ought to be. Read on my moronic friend and maybe you’ll learn something. I did say MAYBE!

  • “If it weren’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.”
  • “How happy are the pessimists! What joy is theirs when they have proved there is no joy.”
  • “A pessimist is one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.”
  • “A pessimist is one who suspects the sincerity of other pessimists.”
  • “A pessimist is a man with a difficulty for every solution.”
  • “A true pessimist feels bad when he feels good for fear, he’ll feel worse when he feels better.”

MY FINAL WORDS – BITE ME!

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