Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category

11/20/2022 “Sarcasm”   1 comment

I absolutely love sarcasm and sarcastic people. I’ve been one most of my life even before I knew what sarcasm actually meant. I’m a natural. I’ve honed my skills for decades with virtually everyone I’ve ever met and had a conversation with. Amazingly about half of those people never realized just how sarcastic I was being. Too bad, it’s their loss. Recently I happened upon the holy bible of sarcasm. It’s The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm published by Mr. James Napoli, Vice President of The National Sarcasm Society. I was thrilled to find someone sympathetic to the plight of sarcastic people. I thought I’d share a few of Mr. Napoli’s sarcastic meanderings and possibly get some of you uneducated to real sarcasm a thrill. Let’s start with just the “A’s”.

Woody Allen – He’s some elderly creep who married his barely college-aged, adopted stepdaughter. Also apparently made films or something, although any such accomplishments are often usurped by the act of marrying his barely college-aged stepdaughter.

The Amish – A sect of self-sustaining people whose way of life is so different from the current ideological mainstream that it’s a wonder nobody’s bombed them yet.

Animals – Creatures that leave us very few options besides hunting them, eating them, keeping them as pets, or locking them in a cage. That’s just how it is when you hold dominion over all of nature.

Antsy – What irritating, twitchy people were before they have the luxury of saying they had something called restless leg syndrome.

Apartment – This is a place to throw your money away on rent before you throw your money away on a mortgage.

Appliance – Something a man gives his wife for her birthday to subtly indicate that the sexual spark between them is horribly, irretrievably gone.

Appreciate -A word commonly used by superiors to indicate that they want you to do a task patently outside of your job description and that doing it will result in their undying gratitude and heartfelt admiration but absolutely no pay.

Artistic – Having skills or ability in a creative field. It is surprisingly easy to identify artistic talent during youth, as the budding artists are usually the ones getting the crap kicked out of them at recess.

Atheist – A person who privately prays that they don’t turn out to be wrong.

Awesome – A word most properly used to denote something truly breathtaking, unbelievably magnificent, or strikingly wonderful. It is now used to describe everything from a half decent meal to a show of support for someone who just landed an entry-level job at Staples.

That’s just a sample from the first letter of the alphabet. I have twenty-five more letters to go and will be sharing them with you occasionally in the next few months. I’m sure you will all enjoy them as much as I do. (Sarcasm Off)

SARCASM RULES

11/19/2022 “Weird & Fake”   Leave a comment

I’ve talked about “Fake News” in the past and it seems to be a current buzz word when talking about the politicians and media. What many people don’t realize is that fake news is nothing new. It’s been around forever. For years as I grew up, I accompanied my mother and two ex-wives on food shopping trips. While they were checking out, I had the misfortune of killing time reading some of the cheesy tabloids available at the registers. They were full of impossible news items which were funny as hell but hopefully only a fool would have thought any of them to be true. Here is a small collection of headlines from that era that will bring a smile to your face.

1993

BAT WITH A HUMAN FACE

TOWN ELECTS MIDGET POLICE CHIEF

BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS

KID WITH 3 ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION

JUNK FOOD CAUSES TEENS TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL

MY WIFE’S GOST STILL COOKS, CLEAN & IRONS MY SHIRTS

HUMAN JELLYFISH SAYS RUB MY BELLY

WHALE EATERS UNITE

MAN KILLED BY FALLING BIBLE

SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHED SO HARD HE SLIT HIS THROAT

GOLIATH’S SKULL FOUND IN HOLY LAND

STADIUM HAS SPECIAL AREA FOR NUDISTS

SECRET INGREDIENT IN NEW SKIN CREAM – GOBS OF HUMAN FAT

CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS

MAN GIVES GIRLFRIEND PERFUME MADE FROM HIS OWN SWEAT

THIS IS TRULY FAKE NEWS

11/12/2022 “Fake News”   Leave a comment

In recent months the term “Fake News” has become popular. I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but “Fake News” has been around for a very long time. The younger generations think that they’ve discovered some outrageous political trick that never existed before they discovered it. As an example, many years ago my son (aged 13) came rushing to me all excited. He told me to sit down and listen to this great song. He told me it was being used on a TV commercial and it was the best song he ever heard. I sat down and he played it for me, and I just started grinning. The song he discovered was at that time already a golden oldie, it was the Righteous Brothers singing Unchained Melody. He was sure it was some group from his generation. “Fake News” is a new term, but it has always meant the same thing: lying, misrepresenting, and double speak. George Orwell has been proven right once again. Here are a few samples of so called “Fake News” from the past.

2003: President George W. Bush for his creative use of language in public statements regarding the reasons the United States needed to pursue war against Iraq.

2002: New York State Board of Regents for its politically correct and silent editing of state tests.

2000: The tobacco industry for its media blitz portraying tobacco companies as the benefactors of children, abused women and disaster victims. That is abusive language in pursuit of their right to sell a deadly drug.

1991: Department of Defense for obfuscation and jargon in euphemisms during the first Gulf War.

1990: President George Bush on wetlands, the Panama invasion, Tiananmen Square and the “No New Taxes” pledge.

1989: The Exxon Corporation for the “Exxon Valdez” oil spill obfuscation.

1985: The CIA for the Psychological Warfare Manual prepared for the Nicaraguan war.

1979: The nuclear power industry for its euphemisms and jargon during the 3-Mile Island accident.

1977: The Pentagon and the Energy Department for language cover-up of the neutron bomb development.

1975: Colonel David Opfer, USAF press officer in Cambodia for saying to reporters, after a raid, “You always write its bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing! It’s air support!

HERES MY FAKE NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT – “FAKE NEWS IS TRUE”

LOL

11/07/2022 “Fads”   Leave a comment

What ever happened to all of those “pet rocks” that everyone loved? How about those fine-looking mood rings that were around for a time. Fads come and go and just when you think you’ve heard and seen it all, another bit of Fad strangeness comes along to baffle and amaze us. You might think our recent Fads are cool and awesome, but we are just the tip of the weird iceberg. So, grab your hula hoop and read on. It’s time to look at the past where our love for Fads originated.

1920 – Raccoon Coats

1924 – Flagpole Sitting

1939 – Goldfish Swallowing

1950 – Poodle Skirts

1955 – Coonskin Caps

1959 – Phone Booth Stuffing

1960 – Tie-dyed T-shirts

1970 – Platform Shoes

1973 – Puka Shells

1974 – Streaking

1975 – CB Radios

1976 – Pet Rocks

1980 – Rubik’s Cube

1982 – Smurfs

1983 – Cabbage Patch Kids

1993 – The Macarena

There’s the proof we’ve been looking for. The Fad gene goes all the way back to early cavemen. Did you honestly think that we really invented the “pet rock?” What will be next now that the “Spinner and Fidgit” fads has run out of gas. I hope the next one is a little more interesting.

HOW MANY OTHERS DO YOU REMEMBER?

10/21/2022 “Useless Info”   1 comment

Here is your daily collection of somewhat interesting useless information. Read, learn, and pass it along to friends, family and coworkers. I’m sure they’ll appreciate receiving them as much as you do receiving it from me. LOL

  • Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose of caffeine for the average adult is approximately 10 grams, or the equivalent of drinking between 50 and 200 cups of coffee in rapid succession.
  • The largest human cell is the female ovum. The smallest is the male sperm.
  • Mosquito repellent doesn’t repel mosquitoes. It only blocks their sensors so that they don’t know you’re there.
  • Members of the U.S. Congress are the world’s highest-paid legislators.
  • The bristled toothbrush originated in China around the year 1498. The bristles, fixed to a bamboo or bone handle, were neck hairs from Siberian boars.

*****

  • One of the holiest Christian holidays is named after a pagan goddess. The word Easter derives from the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre, who governed the vernal equinox.
  • In 1659, the Massachusetts General Court ordered a five shilling fine to be paid by anyone caught celebrating Christmas. The ban was revoked in 1681.
  • In his role as James Bond, the super spy, Sean Connery wore a toupee to hide his receding hairline.
  • Artists have more sexual partners. Researchers suggest that creative people excel at attracting mates, acting on sexual impulses, and doing more than their share of ensuring species survival because they often display “schizotypal” characteristics which are the positive side of schizophrenic personality traits.
  • Wedding rings date back thousands of years. The ancient Romans and Egyptians both believe that a vein called the vena amoria ran directly from the ring finger to the heart.

MORE INFORMATION FROM YOUR FAVORITE “SCHIZO”

10/19/2022 “Creepy”   Leave a comment

There aren’t many things that make my skin crawl but some insects can really creep me out. Many people fear snakes and thank god I’m not one of them. This planet is covered with every sort of creature and there are still many we haven’t discovered. That thought creeps me out as well. I hate waking up in the morning and occasionally finding bug bites on my body . . . ooooh! They say spiders love to visit us stupid humans while we sleep. I thought I’d pass along a few more facts to help you sleep, so here are some creepy facts about some really creepy things.

  • The female salamander inseminates herself. At mating time the male deposits a conical mass of sperm covered in a jellylike substance. The female then draws the jelly into herself, and in doing so fertilizes her own eggs.
  • Bombyx mori, a silkworm moth, has been cultivated for so long that it can no longer exist without human care. Because it has been domesticated, it has lost the ability to fly.
  • Some insects, after their head is severed, may live for is much as a year. They react automatically to light, temperature, humidity, chemicals, and other stimuli.
  • There are locusts that have an adult lifespan of only a few weeks or so, after having lived in the ground as grubs for 15 years.
  • There is an average of 50,000 spiders per acre in green areas. Essential to the balance of nature, spiders annually destroy 100 times their number in insects.

  • Snails produce a colorless, sticky discharge that forms a protective carpet under them as they travel along. The discharge is so effective that snails can crawl along the edge of a razor without cutting themselves.
  • Cockroaches have quite a capacity for survival. If the head of one is removed carefully, so as to prevent them from bleeding to death, the cockroach can survive for several weeks. When it dies, it is from starvation.
  • There are more different kinds of insects in existence today than the total of all kinds of all other animals put together.
  • The male praying mantis Literally loses his head after courting the female. The latter is known to decapitate the earnest suitor, and she often completely devours him.
  • Trinervitermes, a species of termites that is native to the African savanna, builds mountains that are only about 12 inches high. However, the termites bore shaft deep into the ground for access to water. Holes have been found below these termite mounds that go more than 130 feet into the earth.

WAS THAT CREEPY ENOUGH FOR YA?

10/14/2022 “Language & Words”   Leave a comment

I would hate to even try to come up with the number of words I’ve written in my life. Even talking about it boggles my mind. Language and words are everything. Without them both chaos would ensue. I know, I know, there’s plenty of chaos anyway but without communication chaos becomes something visceral and sometimes dangerous. Today I’ll be talking about words that I will write and you will read. Ta! Da!, communication without chaos.

  • Did you know that the word stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
  • William Shakespeare invented more than 1700 words including assassination and bump.
  • The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
  • If you mouth the word colorful to someone, it looks like you are saying, “I love you.”
  • Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters mt.

  • The name Jeep came from the abbreviation GP, used in the U.S. Army for general-purpose vehicle.
  • The word bigwig takes its name from King Louis IV of France, who used to wear really big wigs.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with orange, silver or month.
  • The word chunder comes from convict ships bound for Australia: when people were going to vomit, they used to shout, “watch under”.
  • The expression rule of thumb derives from the old English law that said you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

IT’S MORE FUN COMMUNICATING WITHOUT CHAOS

10/05/2022 Miscellaneous   Leave a comment

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

It seems that this cold snap and the end of Summer is having a bad effect on almost everyone. So, for all you grumpy and pissed off people let me amuse you with a few really stupid newspaper headlines. They might just force some of you to smile.

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACE

CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR GARDEN USE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

BLIND WOMEN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS

MAN, SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE

😮😮😮

COURT RULES BOXER SHORTS ARE INDEED UNDERWEAR

BITING NALS CAN BE A SIGN OF TENSENESS IN A PERSON

CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

🫤🫤🫤

Cheer up people. Things could be much worse.

There’s only 81 shopping days left to Christmas.

10/02/2022 “Toilet History”   Leave a comment

Always wishing to keep this blog interesting I decided that a short review of the “toilet” needs to be told. It’s an important part of our everyday lives but very few people care to hear anything about it. I’ll do the best I can with the information I’ve been able to find.

  • Before the invention of toilet paper, people use shells or stones, bunches of herbs or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.
  • A Victorian plumber, Thomas Crapper, perfected the system we all use today. The siphon flush which by drawing water uphill through a sealed cistern is both effective and hygienic.
  • In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood. The well-to-do set on mahogany or walnut, while the poor put up with untreated white pine.
  • The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention. The Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.
  • The first toilet air freshener was a pomegranate stuffed with cloves.

  • American civil servants’ paychecks are recycled to make toilet rolls.
  • The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
  • The movie Psycho was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing – thereby generating many complaints.
  • Julia Roberts was once asked for an autograph while she was on the john. She said, ” I’m the tiniest bit busy.”
  • Actor Jack Nicholson has a dead rattlesnake embedded in the clear plastic seat of his toilet.

And one last quote from a member of British royalty. “The biggest waste of water in the country by far. You spend half a pint and flush 2 gallons.”(Prince Philip in a 1965 speech)

NEVER FORGET THE COURTESY FLUSH

10/01/2022 Do You Want to be a Celebrity?   1 comment

I’m not much of a follower of all things Hollywood but like it or not some information makes its way to me regardless. Only a few days ago I made the mistake of roaming around on Facebook. To my surprise there was a lengthy posting about female celebrities without makeup. If you think horror flicks are the scariest thing ever, you’d be wrong. There were more than a few rather famous female stars that I’ve lusted over in the past, but Facebook has ruined that forever. It still gives me cold chills if I think about it for too long. I’m not an innocent and naive blushing bride by any means. I realize that Hollywood takes its job seriously when recreating a regular human being into a “STAR”. That process requires many stars to change their names. Here are a few interesting samples which are self-explanatory.

Elton John -Reginald Dwight

Joan Rivers – Joan Molinsky

James Garner – James Baumgarner

Barry Manilow – Barry Pincus

Spike Lee – Shelton Lee

Snoop Dogg – Cordozar Broadus

Tina Turner -Annie Mae Bullock

Winona Ryder – Winona Horowitz

Sting – Gordon Summer

Stevie Wonder – Steveland Judkins

I’m now seriously thinking about changing my name. I’ve always felt that my name was as boring as it gets but picking a new one is really difficult. If I were to be a porn-star I’d probably go for I.M Lancelot, but since I’m just a normal boring person I would need something spectacular to catch everyone’s attention.

I’M CONSIDERING “ELVIS MONROE”

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