Archive for the ‘Useless Crap’ Category

01/23/2022 🍺Beer🍺   Leave a comment

Let me start off by saying that I’m not a beer drinker. I haven’t had much use for drinking beer since my early years of college and even then, I mixed it with Seven-Up because I couldn’t stand the taste. Also, most of the girls wanted it sweetened and who was I to argue? And now I’m living with one of the greatest beer drinkers I’ve ever seen, my better-half. I would easily consider her a professional beer drinker. She knows all the brands, flavors, the history of the breweries, and that makes her an expert in my eyes.

Many years ago, I worked with a man who made her look like an amateur. This guy could sit and drink a half a case of beer, leave the bar, and drive home. I never saw him intoxicated regardless of how many beers he slugged down in the course of the evening. I consistently ragged on him about drinking too much beer because even then I didn’t have much use for it. Finally, he decided to respond to my constant badgering and gave me the list you’re about to read. He felt that I spent most of my time chasing women and that in his opinion beer was way better than women. Here we go, his list of reasons that beer is better than women.

  • You can enjoy beer all month long.
  • You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
  • A beer will wait patiently for you in the car when you play sports.
  • Beer is never late.
  • Hangovers go away, beer never does.
  • When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
  • Beer never has a headache.
  • A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
  • If you pour a beer just right, you’ll always get good head.
  • A beer always goes down easy.
  • You always know if you’re the first one to pop a beer.
  • Beer is always wet.
  • Beer doesn’t demand equality.
  • The beer doesn’t care when you come.
  • You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

As I was typing this list, I had a small but equally important epiphany. While I dislike beer immensely, I absolutely love bourbon. If I replace the word beer in this list with the word bourbon, it still makes perfectly good sense. I guess it’s true what they say.

LOVE IS BLIND

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

01/13/2022 New Year Trivia   2 comments

Now that the holidays are behind us, it’s time to get rolling with trivia for 2022. I decided to restock my archives with some new and exciting trivia. I’ve been trolling the web and found 6 additional books with highly interesting, weird and strange trivia items. Let’s start with these fifteen to get this year’s started.

  • The German submarine, U-1206, sank in 1945 when it’s toilet was operated improperly.
  • Around 1 million gladiators lost their lives in the arena.
  • Nearly 1,500 different types of insects are eaten around the world.
  • Surgeons were drilling holes in people’s skulls in 6,000 B.C.
  • U.S. magician, Dorothy Dietrich, is the only woman to catch a fired bullet between her teeth.
  • The Bombardier beetle pelts enemies with a boiling, foul smelling liquid.
  • A Siamese cat in Russia weighed an astonishing 50 lbs. – the average weight of a 7-year-old girl.
  • In 1894, a shower of jellyfish fell on the city of Bath in England.
  • The last witch was burned in England in 1712.
  • Every day you shed around 500 million skin scales, 10 million of which carry bacteria.
  • Male vampire moths drill a feeding tube into human skin in order to suck up blood.
  • An earthworm excretes the equivalent of its body weight every day.
  • Three cyclists have died while competing in the Tour De France.
  • Tonsilloliths are small, yellow, foul smelling “stones” that live around the tonsils and cause bad breath.
  • Most people pass around 600 ml of gas a day in 14 farts.

I took it easy on you with these items. A have a host of others which are a bit more disgusting. I’ll send them along at a later date. Here’s an item concerning political correctness at its very best:

Roman Emperor Claudius (10 BC to AD 54) was said to have been so worried about people politely holding in their farts and being poisoned by them that he passed a law legalizing farting at feasts.

GOTTA LOVE THEM ROMANS

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

01/11/2022 Gotta Luv Satire   Leave a comment

Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.

All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.

I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.

A NEW CENTURY DAWNS

MCKINLEY USHERS IN BOLD NEW COAL AGE

NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE

OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL

WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?

DEATH BY CORSET RATES STABILIZE AT ONE IN SIX

GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET

AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH

BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM

VATICAN CONDEMNS ‘RHYTHM METHOD’

RELEASES PAPAL EDICT OUTLINING FORBIDDEN FAMILTY PRACTICES

ITALIANS IN ATTENDENCE VOW TO PEOPLE THE PLANET

I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.

MORE TO COME

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Instant Asshole, Just Add Alcohol.

01/08/2022 More PC Nonsense   2 comments

I’m about to do something I don’t normally do. That is to distribute information received from what might be considered a disgruntled and unhappy reader. A while ago I received an e-mail from this reader accusing me of being a neoconservative Neanderthal because he disagreed with me on some of my comments concerning political correctness running amok. I can’t argue the Neanderthal crack, but I’m no neoconservative, nor am I an independent, Republican or Democrat. I’m just a regular guy who believes in the spirit of fairness and freedom of speech. With that in mind here’s the list he emailed me (tongue-in-cheek, I hope) of politically correct terminology I should be using. If he truly used any of these nonsensical terms, he is no doubt a friendless New Age moron. Oh, sorry if I’m being too harsh. What can you expect from an effing Neanderthal? Here they are, I hope you enjoy them as much as I didn’t.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

  • He does not have a BEER GUT – he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
  • He is not a BAD DANCER – he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  • He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  • He is not BALDING – he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  • He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
  • He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK – he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  • He does not ACT LIKE A TOTAL ASS – he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
  • He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – he has SWINE EMPATHY.
  • He is not AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT – he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

  • She is not a BABE OR A CHICK – she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
  • She is not a SCREAMER OR MOANER – she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
  • She is not EASY – she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  • She is not DUMB – she is ON A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  • She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  • She is not an AIRHEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  • She does not get DRUNK OR TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  • She is not HORNY – she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  • She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – she is PHYSICALLY ENHANCED.
  • She does not NAG YOU – she becomes OVERLY REPETITIVE.
  • She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  • She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
  • She is not a TWO BIT WHORE – she is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

Well, there you have it. A collection of foolish politically correct nonsense from a A-hole Millennial before he knew he was one. Hard to believe he actually spent time compiling this crap although he probably just got it from one of his Millennial buddies. Standing up for free speech can sometimes get you stuck doing something like this. I do apologize.

So Do Idiotic Morons.

ALL HAIL THE FIRST AMENDMENT

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IF YOU LIVED IN YOUR CAR,

YOU’D BE HOME NOW

12/29/2021 New Year’s Quotes   Leave a comment

Happy New Year! I’m a little embarrassed at this point after surfing the net and reading through some books trying to find quotations that were based on the start of the new year. I couldn’t have been more disappointed. The following few quotations are just samples of the drivel and worthless quotes I discovered in my search. I sincerely apologize. We’d be better off making up our own quotations because no matter how bad we thought they might be, they’d be better than these. Read them and weep. If this is the best we can do, were in deep trouble.

  • “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” Brad Paisley
  • “Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” Oprah Winfrey
  • “Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.”  Benjamin Franklin
  • “We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” Edith Lovejoy Pierce
  • “May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!” Aleister Crowley
  • “The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose, new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man-made New Year resolution, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.”  G.K. Chesterton

Now that I’ve given it some thought, here’s my quote:

HERE WE GO AGAIN, keep your head down, make no eye contact with anyone, maintain your social distance, and wear a freaking mask.

HAPPY COVID NEW YEAR

12/23/2021 Bizzaro New Year’s Resolutions   Leave a comment

After posting my resolutions yesterday I found this list on a website (www.ba-bamail.com) that’s loaded with all sorts of humorous jokes, gags, and limericks. Their list of resolutions was funny, but I thought it needed a little of my tweaking. Here is my modified version of their list, a list I know I can really accomplish. I’ll try to complete yesterday’s list, but it’ll be much more difficult than this one.

  • Put on at least 30 pounds, more if someone pisses me off.
  • Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
  • Go commando at all times.
  • Stop exercising forever.
  • Let the hair in my nose and ears grow unchecked.
  • Shave just twice a week, the face is optional.
  • Watch more pornography.
  • Never again load the dishwasher.
  • Procrastinate more.
  • Do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  • Drink more – my liver needs the exercise.
  • Buy more on-line junk from China. I need to be scammed more often.
  • Take up a new habit: maybe try smoking again.
  • Swear more.
  • More car sex.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2022 CAN’T BE ANY WORSE THAN THE LAST TWO YEARS

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