Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag

11/28/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ”Virginity Limerick Alert”๐Ÿ’ฅ   2 comments

I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said “If you must know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.

๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค

A religious young lassie named Claire

Was having her first love affair.

As she climbed into bed

She reverently said,

“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone pike,

But it really was broken from pokin’.

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ†

NUFF SAID

11/23/2022 “Misconceptions”   Leave a comment

Misconceptions are a common occurrence. We all have them, and most times don’t even realize it. We repeat things we’re told as a child based on the misconceptions of our parents who based it on the misconceptions from their parents and on and on it goes. How many times have your young children arrived home from school with some fantastic fact told to them by others. It’s amazing how young children just know so much about everything (rightly or wrongly) and feel the need to spread their knowledge. Let’s take a look at a few.

  • The Pilgrims did not build log cabins, nor did they wear black hats with a conical crown or belts with huge silver buckles.
  • Albert Einstein, who was awarded the Nobel Prize for physics in 1921, was honored not for his famous theory of relativity published 16 years earlier, but for his lesser-known work on the photoelectric effect.
  • Until the time of Galileo, an argument used with potent effect was that if the earth moved, and if it indeed rotated on its axis, the birds would be blown away, clouds would be left behind, and buildings would tumble.
  • Samuel F.B. Morse did not really invent the telegraph. He managed to get all the necessary information for the invention from the American physicist Joseph Henry, and later denied that Henry had helped him. Henry later sued and proved his case in a court of law. It is true that Morse did invent Morse Code.
  • Charles Darwin rarely used the term “evolution”. It was popularized by the English sociologist Herbert Spencer, who also popularized the phrase “survival of the fittest”.

  • Because of the story in Genesis that Eve had been created out of Adam’s rib, it was widely believed during the Middle Ages that men had one rib fewer than women.
  • To protect woolen clothing from moths, people for generations have stored them in cedar chests or have built closets lined with cedar. There is no evidence whatsoever that a cedar chest or closet repels moths.
  • Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norkay deservedly received much praise when they were the first to climb to the summit of Mount Everest. Less known is the fact that they had a roster of 12 other climbers, 40 Sherpa guides, and 700 porters to help them along the way.
  • Everyone in the Middle Ages believed as did Aristotle that the heart was the seat of intelligence.
  • According to legend, it was the cowboy and the six-gun that won the West. Actually, it was the steel plow, barbed wire fencing, and the portable windmill that made it possible for pioneers to settle there.

These above facts just prove my point. Misconceptions go back to the beginning of the human race and will continue to be perpetuated for as long as there’s at least four people left alive. One to tell the initial story, the second to repeat the story, the third to believe the story and then tell it to the fourth.

EASY PEASY!

11/22/2022 “Mistletoe”   Leave a comment

I’m not known for being a huge Christmas fan but when the season hits, I try to get with the program. My way is more subtle than most but at least I’m trying. Since damn near every retailer has already decorated for Christmas, I decided to make my first contribution to Christmas 2022. How about some interesting facts and lore about mistletoe.

  • Mistletoe is known as the kissing plant. Just so you know, it’s only a kissing plant if you can figure out a way to get someone to stand under it. The way things are these days, the wrong approach will get you slapped with a sexual-harassment complaint. You’re better off waiting for the right woman (that would be any woman) to ask you to step under the mistletoe. Then it’s all good.
  • In the lore of mistletoe all you hear are good things. Good luck, good health, and lasting friendships are just some of the benefits.
  • If you’re a single person you can use mistletoe for another more useful purpose. Draw a circle in front of a fire. Take two leaves of mistletoe giving one in your name and placing it in the circle. Name the other with your lover’s name and place it outside the circle. If your lover is to marry you, the lover’s leaf will jump inside the circle next to your leaf. Jumping leavesโ€ฆ Sounds a little crazy to me.
  • Some information received from a gaggle of old wives reveals that mistletoe can ward off sicknesses. For that to work the mistletoe must be cut from an oak tree with the golden hook and never allowed to touch the earth. Disasters are sure to be in your future if you let that tiny little leaf hit the ground.

  • Mistletoe was known to be gathered for some Celtic winter solstice festivals. Druids removed the mistletoe from the oak tree with the well-known golden hook and used it as a charm against the many and various evil spirits. It was also supposed to encourage fertility which is always a real plus. Right girls?
  • Austrian folklore believes that if you lay mistletoe at your bedroom door, you’ll have a sweet sleep and a beautiful dream. Match that up with encouraging fertility and you got yourself a party.
  • For all you ranchers out there, mistletoe was also known to be effective with cattle. If you give a bough of mistletoe to a cow that’s calved after New Year’s Day, you’ll prevent bad luck from attacking your entire herd. Oh yeah just so you know, “No Kissing!”
  • If by chance you strike out for the forest in November and December looking for mistletoe and can’t find any, run and hide, disaster is sure to follow. Only fresh mistletoe will retain its magical charms. Anything older than a year has passed its “Use By” date.

There you have it. Everything you always wanted to know about mistletoe but were afraid to ask. So, get off that comfortable couch, put on some warm clothing, get your ass out into the woods before all the good mistletoe is gone. You never know when a band of wandering Druids may sneak in and take all the good stuff.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

And a special thanks to Linda Spencer

11/21/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimericks for Kids๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.

A little boy down in Natchez

Sat upon powder and matchez.

For the seat of war

He hankers no more,

Though re-enforced well with patchez.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

By Hugh Lofting

Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket

Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.

He has more understanding

Since reaching the landing,

Just look at the hole where he struck it.

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

By Oliver Hereford

A puppy whose hair was so flowing

There really was no means of knowing

Which end was his head,

Once stopped me and said,

“Please, sir, am I coming or going.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

A certain young fellow named Beebee

Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.

“But,” said he, “I must see

What the clerical fee

Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”

๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

HAPPY MONDAY

11/20/2022 “Sarcasm”   1 comment

I absolutely love sarcasm and sarcastic people. I’ve been one most of my life even before I knew what sarcasm actually meant. I’m a natural. I’ve honed my skills for decades with virtually everyone I’ve ever met and had a conversation with. Amazingly about half of those people never realized just how sarcastic I was being. Too bad, it’s their loss. Recently I happened upon the holy bible of sarcasm. It’s The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm published by Mr. James Napoli, Vice President of The National Sarcasm Society. I was thrilled to find someone sympathetic to the plight of sarcastic people. I thought I’d share a few of Mr. Napoli’s sarcastic meanderings and possibly get some of you uneducated to real sarcasm a thrill. Let’s start with just the “A’s”.

Woody Allen – He’s some elderly creep who married his barely college-aged, adopted stepdaughter. Also apparently made films or something, although any such accomplishments are often usurped by the act of marrying his barely college-aged stepdaughter.

The Amish – A sect of self-sustaining people whose way of life is so different from the current ideological mainstream that it’s a wonder nobody’s bombed them yet.

Animals – Creatures that leave us very few options besides hunting them, eating them, keeping them as pets, or locking them in a cage. That’s just how it is when you hold dominion over all of nature.

Antsy – What irritating, twitchy people were before they have the luxury of saying they had something called restless leg syndrome.

Apartment – This is a place to throw your money away on rent before you throw your money away on a mortgage.

Appliance – Something a man gives his wife for her birthday to subtly indicate that the sexual spark between them is horribly, irretrievably gone.

Appreciate -A word commonly used by superiors to indicate that they want you to do a task patently outside of your job description and that doing it will result in their undying gratitude and heartfelt admiration but absolutely no pay.

Artistic – Having skills or ability in a creative field. It is surprisingly easy to identify artistic talent during youth, as the budding artists are usually the ones getting the crap kicked out of them at recess.

Atheist – A person who privately prays that they don’t turn out to be wrong.

Awesome – A word most properly used to denote something truly breathtaking, unbelievably magnificent, or strikingly wonderful. It is now used to describe everything from a half decent meal to a show of support for someone who just landed an entry-level job at Staples.

That’s just a sample from the first letter of the alphabet. I have twenty-five more letters to go and will be sharing them with you occasionally in the next few months. I’m sure you will all enjoy them as much as I do. (Sarcasm Off)

SARCASM RULES

11/19/2022 “Weird & Fake”   Leave a comment

I’ve talked about “Fake News” in the past and it seems to be a current buzz word when talking about the politicians and media. What many people don’t realize is that fake news is nothing new. It’s been around forever. For years as I grew up, I accompanied my mother and two ex-wives on food shopping trips. While they were checking out, I had the misfortune of killing time reading some of the cheesy tabloids available at the registers. They were full of impossible news items which were funny as hell but hopefully only a fool would have thought any of them to be true. Here is a small collection of headlines from that era that will bring a smile to your face.

1993

BAT WITH A HUMAN FACE

TOWN ELECTS MIDGET POLICE CHIEF

BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS

KID WITH 3 ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION

JUNK FOOD CAUSES TEENS TO WORSHIP THE DEVIL

MY WIFE’S GOST STILL COOKS, CLEAN & IRONS MY SHIRTS

HUMAN JELLYFISH SAYS RUB MY BELLY

WHALE EATERS UNITE

MAN KILLED BY FALLING BIBLE

SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHED SO HARD HE SLIT HIS THROAT

GOLIATH’S SKULL FOUND IN HOLY LAND

STADIUM HAS SPECIAL AREA FOR NUDISTS

SECRET INGREDIENT IN NEW SKIN CREAM – GOBS OF HUMAN FAT

CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS

MAN GIVES GIRLFRIEND PERFUME MADE FROM HIS OWN SWEAT

THIS IS TRULY FAKE NEWS

11/18/2022 “Miscellaneous Truths”   2 comments

I am feeling extremely miscellaneous today. Here are 15 miscellaneous truths that you didn’t know you wanted to know. Enjoy!

  • Mount Baker in Washington state is the world record holder for the most snowfall in one season. In the winter of 1998-99, the ski resort recorded 1140 inches of snow.
  • The first chalkboard for classroom use was recorded in 1714.
  • The first read recorded e-mail was sent in 1972.
  • Rod Stewart once dug graves for a living.
  • Beginning with Super Bowl XXXIV in 2000, footballs used in the big game have been marked with synthetic DNA to prevent sports-memorabilia fraud. Souvenirs from the 2000 Summer Olympics were also marked with human DNA in the ink.

  • The last letter added to the English alphabet was “J”.
  • A typical American family goes through approximately 6000 pounds of food in any given year.
  • Prior to James Madison, US presidents wore knee britches instead of long pants.
  • A Twinkie contains 60% air.
  • The original name of the game volleyball was “mintonette”. It was created in 1895 when a YMCA gym teacher borrowed from basketball, tennis, and handball to create a new game.

  • Thomas Morgan and Elizabeth Caerleon were married for 81 years. When she died on January 19, 1891, their aggregate age was 209 years, 262 days.
  • Englishman were once legally barred from witnessing childbirth.
  • The stripes on a tigers face are used for identification, since no two tigers sport the same stripe pattern.
  • The first fairy tale adapted into cartoon by Walt Disney was Little Red Riding Hood, released in 1922.
  • Francis Scott Key wrote the lyrics of the Star-Spangled Banner to the tune of an 18th-century British drinking song.

THE TRUTH WILL STILL SET YOU FREE

11/17/2022 “TV”   Leave a comment

This post will be rather shorter than my usual efforts due in part to a rather unpleasant afternoon ahead of me. I’m two hours away from my seventh colonoscope (that’s right, I said seven) and my mind is wandering elsewhere (like right around my ass). That being said I’d like to quickly entertain you with some interesting quotes concerning our society’s obsession with TV. I’m addicted myself and have a love/hate relationship with my addiction and all of my TV’s. Here’s what some profession media types think.

Anonymous TV Quote

“The electronic device that intersperses gory slaughter with the brushing of teeth.”

Woody Allen

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”

Daid Frost

“TV is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.”

Samuel Goldwyn

“Why should people go out and pay to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?”

T.S. Eliot

Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time and yet remain lonesome.”

Lily Tomlin

“If you read a lot of books, your considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.”

Frank Zappa

I can’t understand why anybody would want to devote their life to a cause like dope. It’s the most boring pastime I can think of. It ranks a close second to television.”

Groucho Marx

“I find television very educating. Every time someone turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.”

I really have to agree with most of these critics and at the same time I feel I’ve just been royally chastised for enjoying my addiction. Although, I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve had a number of addictions over the years and there were always plenty of so-called experts around to offer their opinions. So, to remain consistent I’ll ignore these experts like I’ve ignored all the others. They have their nerve!

TV SUCKS, AND I STILL LOVE IT.

11/16/2022 “Things You Want to Know”   Leave a comment

THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WANTED TO KNOW

SEX

  • It is illegal In Arizona for a secretary to be alone with his or her boss.
  • In Oklahoma you must be married in order to have sex legally.
  • It is illegal to kiss for more than 5 minutes In Iowa.
  • In Indiana it is illegal to be in a state of sexual arousal in public.
  • Talking dirty during sex is illegal in Oregon.
  • In Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildos in a household.

TRANSPORTATION

  • The Lincoln Highway from New York to California was the first coast-to-coast highway in the United States. It opened for travel in 1913.
  • The last model T Ford was produced on May 26, 1927.
  • The first electric traffic light was installed in Cleveland Ohio in 1914.
  • The first parking meter in the United States was installed in 1935.
  • The first speed limit law in the United States was established in Connecticut in 1901. The limit for cars in cities was 10 miles per hour.
  • The first mountain bikes were made in the United States in 1979 by Charles Kelly and Gary Fisher.

FOOD & DRINK

  • Starbucks Coffee Company was named after Starbuck, a character in Moby Dick.
  • The hot dog was invented by Charles Feltman in 1874.
  • Hershey’s Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
  • There are over 5900 Dairy Queens throughout the world.
  • There are over 3000 varieties of tea.
  • Cotton Candy made its debut in 1904 at the World’s Fair in St. Louis.

I TOLD YOU, YOU’D WANT TO KNOW

14/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   2 comments

I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

There was an amazing old wizard

Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard.

So, he drank wind and snow

At some fifty-below,

And farted a forty-day blizzard.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

Said a printer, pretending to wit:

“There are certain rude words we omit.

It would sully our art

To include the word fart,

And we seldom, if ever say shit.”

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

There was a young man named McBride,

Who could fart any time that he tried.

In a contest he blew

Seven thousand and two,

But then shit and was disqualified.

๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

There was a young woman of Dexter,

Whose husband invariably vexed her,

For, whenever they’d start,

He’d persistently fart

With a blast that damn nearly de-sexed her!

A PERFECTLY SMELLY START TO YOUR WEEK

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