Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag

03/21/2023 “Gotta Love the Media”   2 comments

I just love reading and listening to news and current events, not for their overwhelming truthfulness but for their misleading and sometimes stupid inaccuracies. Once upon a time the news was reported by actual journalists who dug up the information and submitted it to highly capable editors to keep things as accurate as possible. Unfortunately, these days we have a huge selection of news readers and talking heads with nice hair, big boobs, all handsome and beautiful, who all get their stories as reported to them by the general use wire services. They’re lucky if they can pronounce some of the words properly. Here are a few of my favorite headlines that are both ridiculous and ludicrous.

LARGER KANGAROOS LEAP FURTHER, RESEARCHERS FIND

ALCOHOL ADS PROMOTE DRINKING

CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP

SURVEY FINDS DIRTIER SUBWAYS FTER CLEANING JOBS WERE CUT

SCIENTISTS SEE QUAKES IN L. A. FUTURE

MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE

I think these headlines have helped make my point. Pay close attention to all of those alleged reporters as you watch their multitude of news programs and opinion pieces!

To quote my ever so critical late father:

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS S*** UP

03/15/2023 ✨Limerick Alert✨   Leave a comment

I’ve been trying for days to post something but these damn storms are screwing up almost everything. Our power and internet returned today after 24 hours of silence and I wanted to post before the next catastrophe arrives.

*****

It feels good to be back to some semblance of normalcy. My first post-op inspection revealed my poor fractured ankle is on the mend. The doctor assures me that only five more weeks of a walker and wheelchair and I should be good to go. That news eases the pressure a little and makes getting back to this blog a little easier. I’ll be happy to provide a few limericks today to make you smile as little.

❀

A lisping young lady named JoBeth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Therre was a young fellow named Goody

Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?

If he found himself nude

With a gal in the mood,

The questions not woody, but could he?

😁😁😁

There once was a young lady of Arden,

The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.

Said she with a frown,

“I’ve been sadly let down,

By the tool of a fool in a garden.”

😜😜😜

A flatulent nun of Hawaii

One Easter eve supped on papaya,

Then honored the Passover

By turning her ass over

And obliging with Handel’s Messiah.

🀩🀩🀩

LIMERICKS HAVE RETURNED

03/06/2023 “Conformity & Conscience”   Leave a comment

I’ve had more time to contemplate things and myself over the last few years than I ever thought I would have. Many years as a workaholic kept me running at an insane pace leaving very little time for self-evaluation and concerns of conforming to meet the expectations of others. As busy and crazy as my life was at the time, I always looked for a way to separate myself from the crowd. It was done without a lot of thought, and I paid a price for all of my more stupid decisions. I always felt that I had to be different and regardless of the consequences I pursued that end. Overall, it was worth doing because I learned a lot about myself and about many of my closest family and friends, they gave me a steady drumbeat for most of my life of “your being weird” or “get with the program”. One of the phrases I hated the most was “That’s the way we’ve always done it.” That was like “fingernails on a blackboard” for me. For you youngsters, check with your parents if you want to know what a blackboard is. I’ve spent the last few weeks, bedridden with a fractured ankle with plenty of time to reflect on things. I must be doing and saying something right because my ever-present bodyguard, my cat Lucy, has been agreeing with me on everything. I thought in fairness I would search out a second opinion and who better to ask than my favorite smartass, Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“Your conscience is a nuisance. A conscience is like a child. If you pet it and play with it and let it have everything that it wants, it becomes spoiled and intrudes on all of your amusements and griefs. Treat your conscience as you would anything else. When it is rebellious, spank it – be severe with it, argue with it, prevent it from coming to play with you at all hours, and you will secure a good conscience; that is to say, a properly trained one. A spoiled one simply destroys all the pleasure in life. I think I have reduced mine to order. At least, I haven’t heard from it for some time. Perhaps I have killed it from over severity,”

THANKS ONCE AGAIN MARK

02/13/2023 πŸ€βš½πŸ₯ŽSports TriviaπŸ‰πŸˆπŸ₯Š   Leave a comment

Now that the Superbowl has come and gone we can all start living our normal lives again. Congrats to the Chiefs for pulling out a lucky win which I really didn’t care about anyway. A special thanks to Rhianna who is so hot I think I burned myself adjusting the volume knob. It’s nice to see a superstar showcasing her music instead of her body. It was a pleasant surprise. It’s the first Super Bowl half-time show I’ve ever watched from start to finish. She did herself proud and “Oh Yeah” . . . she’s also worth over a billion dollars. OMFG

Today I’ll be staying with a Sports theme, which will help to wean me off sports until baseball season gets started. I like baseball better than football, but their games are utterly boring to watch. I’ll just check the updated scores on Google and then watch the recaps on Facebook. No nasty comments please, I realize I’m a lazy fan but once again I.D.C. (I don’t care).

  • Did you know that the sport of dodgeball has been banned by public schools in six U.S. states?
  • The first recorded game of handball was played in the year 1427. That’s the first written mention of a game involving a ball being hit by hand against a wall.
  • Did you know that the smallest NBA player ever was Tyrone Bogues. He stood 5 feet, 3 inches tall and played for 10 years with the Charlotte Hornets.
  • After soccer, volleyball is the world’s second most played sport. An estimated 46 million Americans, and more than 800 million people worldwide, play volleyball at least weekly.
  • The year 688 B.C. was when boxing first became an Olympic sport. It has been part of the modern Olympics since 1904 with women boxers competing for the first time at the 2012 Olympics in London.

  • The square boxing platform is called a “ring” because in the ancient Greek and Roman Olympics the combatants met in a circular ring. They’ve been known as “rings” ever since.
  • Did you know that the world record for longest time aloft of a successfully caught boomerang was 3 minute and 49 seconds.
  • Early forms of baseball allowed throwing the ball at a runner for an out and pitching underhanded. Balls caught on one bounce were considered outs.
  • President Theodore Roosevelt is credited with instituting the forward pass rule in football. He demanded a change to the rules in 1905, after 18 players were killed and 159 injured that year. The forward pass was intended to open up the game and minimize the chaotic dog piles associated with lateral passes. The rule was officially adopted in 1906.
  • The Nerf football was invented by Fred Cox, a kicker for the Minnesota Vikings. He came up with the idea of a soft foam football while playing in the NFL. He still earns royalties on every Nerf football sold.

SPRING TRAINING STARTING SOON

02/11/2023 “Weird, Odd, and European”   Leave a comment

Today’s history lesson contains a few unusual occurrences as recorded by European media during the last 100 years. They are quirky and strange but nonetheless true. After reading some of these you can understand how we Americans are at times a bit bizarre as well. We get it honestly from many previous generations from the Continent.

  • On April 14, 1930, the Russian poet Vladimir Mayakovsky shot himself. In his suicide note he said, “I do not recommend it for others.”
  • In 1931 the Spanish tennis player Lily de Alvarez Shop the tennis world when she appeared at Wimbledon wearing a divided skirt (culottes), the forerunner of shorts.
  • On October 23, 1933, a temperature inversion trapped fog and smog over London, obliterating the sun and causing total darkness at midday.
  • On December 24, 1935, the death of the avant-garde Austrian composer Alban Berg from an insect bite was reported.
  • In 1936 King Edward VIII once avoided what he thought might be an awkward interview with his private secretary by jumping out of a window of Buckingham palace and running away to hide in the garden.

  • On July 21, 1937, at six o’clock in the evening, all BBC transmitters and post office wireless telegraph and wireless telephone stations in the British Isles closedown for 2 minutes, to coincide with the funeral of Guglielmo Marconi the inventor of the radio.
  • On June 1, 1938, the Hungarian playwright Odon von Horvath, who had lived in fear of being struck by lightning all of his life, was killed in Paris when a branch fell on his head during a thunderstorm.
  • In 1939 a patent application was lodged for the “Wind Bag”, designed for receiving and storing gas formed by the digestion of foods. A tube linked the rectum led to a collection chamber, while the device was held in place under one’s clothes by a belt.
  • In 1940 during the height of the German spy scare, a vicar’s daughter in Winchester reported the British officer billeted with them to the authorities on the grounds of his suspiciously foreign behavior. The man had failed to flush the toilet.
  • On July 23, 1943, Eric Brown, blew up his paralyzed father by attaching a landmine to his wheelchair. He later explained to the court that he had not liked his father’s attitude. Brown was eventually declared insane.

I’ve posted about many odd and strange things that have taken place in the United States, and I think it’s only fair that these postings today give our European forefathers credit for some of their weirdness.

BE WEIRD, BE ODD, AND BE PROUD

02/09/2023 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯Children’s Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   3 comments

It’s time for me to try and convince you non-limerick lovers that they can be something other than lewd and bawdy. They’re fun to create and even more fun to read when written by members of the younger generations. Here are a few written by and for children. Enjoy!

There once was a young chap from Eugene.

Who grew so abnormally lean,

And flat and compressed

That his back met his chest,

And, viewed sideways, he couldn’t be seen!

πŸ˜—πŸ˜—πŸ˜—

A sea serpent saw a big tanker.

Bit a hole in its side and then sank her.

He swallowed the crew

In a minute or two,

And then picked his teeth with the anchor.

😊😊😊

There was a young bather from Bewes,

Who reclined on the banks of the Ouse.

His radio blared,

And passers-by stared,

For all he had on was the news!

πŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒ

There are men in the village of Erith

Whom nobody seeth or heareth.

They spend hours afloat

In a flat-bottomed boat,

Which nobody roweth or steereth.

🀩🀩🀩

And here’s one final extra limerick for a nurse I once knew.

Believe me, this limerick is understating her illness. LOL

❀️

Jo Beth went to the doctor last night,

Rather hoping he’d help with her plight.

What she said, whilst bent double.

“It’s farting that’s the trouble.”

And what did he give her? A kite!

*****

DON’T WORRY, THE WEEKEND IS IN SIGHT

02/07/2023 “Names”   Leave a comment

People love coming up with odd names or nicknames for just about everything. Even if a real name already exists, someone will attempt to create a nickname for it. I remember one from my childhood that was used to replace the term “bad breath” and it was “doggie breath”. We were stupid kids but never passed up an opportunity to create what would be considered a wise-ass replacement name. “Tubby’ was the skinny kid, “Slim” was the fat kid, and “brainiac” was the dumb ass. Why we felt the need to change the names of things that don’t need to be changed, who knows. Here are a few examples from history to further make my point without answering the big question, “Why do we do it?”.

  • The U.S. nickname “Uncle Sam” was derived from Uncle Sam Wilson, a meat inspector in Troy New York. During the war of 1812, Wilson’s “U.S.” stamped on meat barrels prepared for the U.S. Army was interpreted by some workmen to stand for their boss, “Uncle Sam” and the legend grew. (In newspaper cartoons during the Civil War, the figure of Uncle Sam took on the appearance of President Lincoln.)
  • During his career, Vladimir Ilyich Ulanov employed at least 150 pseudonyms. The best-known was Lenin. (1870-1924).
  • The most common name in the world is neither Ching nor John. It’s Muhammad.
  • The original name for the United Nations was “Associated Powers”. Prime Minister Winston Churchill affected the change to “United Nations” by quoting Lord Byron to President Roosevelt.

Millions of pounds recorded the, and anew.

Their children’s lips shall echo them, and say –

Here, where the sword united nations drew,

Our countrymen were worrying on that day!

And this is much, and all which will not pass away.”

  • Natives of Papua, New Guinea, who deposit their money in the bank at Port Moresby don’t get numbered accounts. Instead, they are identified by the names of fish and birds and other natural objects. One bank customer is called “sawfish” and another “hornbill”. Each depositor keeps his symbol secret.

  • The male Mayan Indian would change his name twice as he was growing up. His original name was linked with the date he was born. He would get a new name, describing a personal feature, when he was initiated into manhood. On marrying, he would take on his formal name.
  • A book of maps is called an atlas because the innovative 16th-century Flemish geographer Gerard S. Mercator’s books of maps detailing various portions of Europe sported on its cover a picture of the Greek titan Atlas holding the world on his shoulders – and thus this book became known as an atlas.
  • When Adolf Hitler was in charge in Germany, policemen and farmers were not allowed to call their horses by the name “Adolf”.
  • In 1935, “Iran” became the new name for what had been Persia, which was the new name for what had earlier been Iran.
  • There are an estimated 2.4 million people in the US named Smith, and over 1.8 million named Johnson, and over 1.6 million named Williams or Williamson, and over 1.4 million named Brown, and over 1.3 million named Jones. Keeping up with the Joneses would appear to be easier than keeping up with the Smiths.

As a kid, my given name was John. You can’t get much more boring than just John but that didn’t keep my friends from calling me just that, “Just John”. I had another nickname, “Crazy Legs” but the explanation for that one will remain a deep and dark secret that I’ll take to my grave. LOL

“A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL AS SWEET”

Shakespeare

01/31/2023 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯Silly Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   2 comments

This morning has started off strangely. Fifteen seconds after I sat down at the computer the power went out. I’ve lost all power in the house except for a few limited outlets hooked into the generator. It maintains all of the most important functions of the house like heat and water and thankfully this computer. I’ll be writing this in the dark with no way to upload the content until sometime later today (I hope). Maine has been having a rash of storms in recent weeks and the power grid has been damaged in many areas. I have to admit, this shit is getting really old and all of my bitching and complaining won’t help. Let’s move on to something a little more interesting.

I post a lot of limericks of all types. Some of you like them cute and funny, some like the children’s limericks and some others prefer the more bawdy and suggestive ones. Truthfully, I enjoy them all when the circumstances permit. Today I’ll pass along a few of the milder and sillier ones that won’t scare the children or any adults with delicate sensibilities.

πŸ˜›πŸ˜›πŸ˜›

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.

She was frightened and screamed very loud.

Then a happy thought hit her

To scare off the critter,

She sat up in bed and meowed.

😏😏😏

A young man dining out in Peru

Found a rather large mouse in his stew.

Said the waiter, “Don’t shout

And wave it about

Or the rest will be wanting one too!”

😊😊😊

There were three little birds in the wood

Who sang hymns anytime that they could.

What the words were about

They could never make out,

But they felt it was doing them good.

πŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒπŸ™ƒ

A glutton who lived on the Rhine

When asked at what time he would dine,

He replied, “At eleven,

Four, six, three and seven,

And eight and a quarter to nine.”

😎😎😎

Well finally some good news. The power has been turned on (for how long I couldn’t guess) and I’ll get this posted as quickly as possible.

BROWNCOATS RULE!!

01/30/2023 “Random Insanity”   Leave a comment

Here’s a collection of peculiar trivia mixed in with some interesting quotes from somewhat interesting people. It’s a good way to start your somewhat interesting work week. Have fun . . .

“Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.” Eleanor Roosevelt

  • In the spring of 1930, the Senate almost voted to ban all dial telephones from the Senate wing of the Capital, as the technophobic older senators found them too complicated to use.
  • Commercial deodorant became available in 1888. Roll-on deodorant was an invented in the 1950s, using technology from standard ballpoint pens.
  • Before Popeye, Olive Oyl’s boyfriend was named Ham Gravy.
  • Three presidents died on the 4th of July: Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and James Monroe.
  • The world goes through approximately 1.75 billion candy canes every year.

“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” Vince Lombardi

  • Like plants, children grow faster during spring than any other season.
  • The aboriginal body consists of approximately 71 pounds of intentionally edible meat, not including organ tissue.
  • British geologist William Buckland was known for his ability to eat anything, including rodents and insects. When presented with the heart of French King Louis XIV, he gobbled it up without hesitation.
  • Male lions are able to make 50 or more times in a single day. Tell your husband.
  • It took more than 1700 years to build the Great Wall of China.

“Carpe per diem– means seize the check – so says Robin Williams

  • In an ironic twist, Mel Blanc, best known as the voice of Bugs Bunny, had an aversion to raw carrots.
  • Australian toilets are designed to flush counterclockwise.
  • Mr. Potato Head holds the honor of being the first toy ever featured in a television commercial.
  • If you add up all the time you blink during the day, you’d have about half an hour of shut-eye.
  • John Lennon was the first person to be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

“If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.” Paul McCartney

SEIZE THE DAY

01/28/2023 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯πŸ’₯Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯πŸ’₯   3 comments

I thought I’d introduce you to something new today. I’ve posted hundreds of limericks over the years, and they were all basically the five-line standard. Another style of limerick is the extended limerick which are a bit longer than you normally see and more challenging to write. Here are two samples:

By Anonymous

There once were two cats of Kilkenny.

Each thought there was one too many,

So, they quarreled and fit,

They scratched and they bit,

Till, excepting their nails

And the tips of their tails,

Instead of two cats, there weren’t any!

πŸ˜›πŸ˜›πŸ˜›

By Anonymous

There was a strange student from Yale.

Who put himself outside the pale.

Said the judge:” Please refrain,

When passing through Maine,

From exposing yourself in in the train,

Or you’ll just have to do it in jail!”

πŸ˜—πŸ˜—πŸ˜—

In my opinion they aren’t as exciting as a normal limerick, but many people disagree. Now let’s take a look at what’s called a prose limerick. It’s a totally different style but I enjoy these very much because of the narrative way they are written.

By Anonymous

When cars are left here for repair, our charges are modest and fair. And

owners may rest quite content that we test all work that is done with great care.

😊😊😊

In the shed at the end of the mews there’s a bucket of old bolts and screws, and

right at the back you will see a large stack of old junk that perhaps you can use.

🀩🀩🀩

The train that was due to depart at 8:10 is not likely to start. We’re

working to rule, you’d best get a mule or a bike or a horse and a cart.

***

TRY WRITING A FEW OF YOUR OWN

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