Are you ready for a new batch of disturbing, disgusting, and naughty limericks? One of my biggest problems in posting limericks is that I have thousands of them available but in most cases they are extremely difficult to categorize. I made the ultimate sacrifice recently and forced myself to read hundreds of limericks and to try and establish some sort of categories. Todays post will include limericks concerning Sex Substitutes. These will be copied directly from my collections with rather blunt, off-color, and the occasional appropriate profanity. These will be rated “R”, so keep the youngsters away. Lets get rolling . . .
I think we’ve all discovered the amount of weirdness online. It seems the weirder the post or vid the more likelihood of collecting a lot of clicks. Don’t ask me why. People crave being shocked and they seem to search out the bizarre for a cheap thrill. I like crazy and unusual as much as the next guy but I hesitate to follow some of the geniuses down their deep rabbit hole of truly strange and unusual fantasies. This post isn’t too strange because for me weird is only interesting if it’s true. These are true (LOL).
💞How To Find Your True Love 💞
Soak one of your socks in rose water, dry it out and put it under your bed. Send out nightly thoughts about your true love for a month, and then burn a red candle at sunset while thinking more about the object of your affections. Repeat for seven days.
❤️Here’s Another Way❤️
Pick a half-green half-red apple when the Moon is three days past full. Breathe on the green side and rub it with a red cloth while reciting this verse: “Fire sweet and fire red, warm the heart and turn the head.” Kiss the red half, and give it to the object of your desire. If he/she eats it he/she will fall under your spell.
⛈️Strange Rains⛈️
June 1901 -South Carolina – Cat fish, Perch, and Trout
August 1890 – Baghdad, Iraq – An edible substance (thought to be desert lichen of tamarisk) fell during a heavy shower. The locals gathered it up and made it into bread (Manna from heaven?)
1897 – Macerata, Italy – Millions of seeds from the Judas Tree dropped from a blood colored cloud.
1877 – Memphis, Tennessee – Hundreds of live snakes.
If you add up the time spent eating and drinking by an average person over the course of their entire life, it comes to approximately 5 years. This adds up to an estimated 33 tons of food you’ve eaten, which is the equivalent of six entire elephants. Unfortunately what goes in must eventually come out. The result is during your lifetime you will produce a pile of poo about the size of a medium sized car. Some animals, other than humans, that love to eat poo include rats, mice, rabbits, dung beetles, flies gorillas, and dogs.
I hate to admit it but I seem to have had a life-long addictive personality disorder. For more than fifteen years I was dangerously addicted to cigarettes and it took a fast ride to a hospital in an ambulance to convince me to stop smoking once and for all. Over the intervening years I developed minor addictions to marijuana, Scotch whiskey, potato chips, ice cream, and a dozen other small unimportant matters. I thought after all of my many years I had finally won the battle against worthless and annoying addictions but once again I was wrong. Since retirement I’ve discovered two of my newest and bothersome addictions: Amazon and The Internet.
If your not as mobile as you once were (due to old age) as I am currently, the Internet is eye opening in its wide range of idiots, morons, scammers and its endless supply of bullshit artists to keep me occupied for the foreseeable future. My window on the world is very small now and truly annoying but it’s all I have. My better-half has joined the ranks of the addicted and spends a lot of her time researching endless gardening information sites and searching for odd and strange recipes to make my dining a real adventure.
We live in an area that requires us to take special steps just to have just a working cell phone and Internet connection. Without that connection we’d have no television, no Internet, and no W-Fi. Since GPS doesn’t work very well in this area either I hope I never have a life threatening emergency. If I do I will die a really pissed off customer. Unfortunately an incident occurred earlier this week that started another round of craziness when we lost all Internet and Wi-Fi signals. My better-half found it necessary to drive our car for two miles to get a usable wi-fi signal, and then spent a half hour trying to find a human being to talk with about our continuing problem. All of these company computers and personnel still can’t seem to ever answer our most important question “Why isn’t this damn system working?”. When it was all said and done we had to wait two more hours for a repairman to show up at our home. They had us checking OUR equipment because their computer assured them that everything was operational on their end. They still forgot that one important thing again: WHY WE STILL DIDN’T HAVE ANY DAMN INTERNET, NO DAMN WIFI, AND NO DAMN TELEPHONE SERVICE. I suggested to the repairman that maybe it was their equipment and not ours.
Frustrating, YOU BET. Come to find out we’d been given a low level (cheap) modem when we began their service contract a year ago and that modem was apparently faulty. All of our troubles magically disappeared a few minutes later when the repairman plugged in a newer and updated modem. Here’s the kicker. As I watched all of my equipment humming along and finally running fine and saw that Internet entry screen reappear, I found my face a little flushed, had a huge rush of adrenaline, and a strange tingling all over my body. It was my introduction to my latest and scariest addiction ever – computer driven orgasms. Now I can have an illicit affair with my hardrive whenever I want or need to. Isn’t technology wonderful? LOL
I did a lot of reminiscing today as I was leafing through many old files and folders from my early years a a police officer. As I reviewed these documents I was truly amazed just how much paperwork I still retained from those “good old days”. I found a few things that were really old but still really funny. The following statements were supplied to actual police officer’s and were copied directly from their official accident reports. As always the truth is stranger than fiction.
WOMEN
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“A invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and then vanished.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
🚘🚓🚛
MEN
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“A truck backed into my windshield into my wife’s face.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.”
“When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
🚗🚘🚙
Welcome to the OMG club. Now you’ve heard it all too.
I’m feeling a little calmer and relaxed after resolving all of my recent computer woes. What better way to begin another week than with a few limericks from one of my favorite limerick writers, John Ciardi. He was renowned far and wide for his limerick wars with Isaac Azimov. Enjoy some of his work.
I wasn’t sure I’d be posting today since my best and fastest computer stopped cooperating a few days ago. With the assistance of my better-half, some written instructions from my nephew (who built it), and three or four thousand juicy curse words, I’m once again operational. A tip for those of you who may have computer issues of your own: RULE 1 – do not drink shots of whiskey while attempting to relocate and adjust tiny little switches in the computer. It slows down the progress immensely. Along with that my better-half found out just how skilled I was at stringing those curse words together. Her training continues. LOL Todays post is titled BIZARRE for a reason.
Katherine Hepburn suffered from a phobia of dirty hair. When she was shooting films for Twentieth Century Fox, she would sniff the heads of cast and crew to make sure their hair was squeaky clean.
In Vermont it is illegal to whistle underwater.
Pennsylvania law books record a 1971 case of a man suing Satan – for his own bad luck and downfall. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds that Satan did not live in the state of Pennsylvania.
Don’t ever fall asleep in a bath tub in Detroit. You could be arrested because sleeping in bathtubs is illegal in the city.
“You have to be saved to get into heaven . . . you only have to be you to get into hell.” Marilyn Manson
In the ancient city of Jericho the dead were buried under the houses they lived in. But first their heads were severed, covered with plaster and clay, and decorated for their families to worship.
Catherine, wife of Russian czar Peter I, had a wandering eye, and Peter caught on. To teach Catherine a lesson, he forced her to watch her lover be killed, then pickled the lover’s head and kept it in their bedroom.
In the 17th century, midwives had a custom of saving a woman’s afterbirth, or placenta, and then burning it. The superstition was that the number of times the burning placenta popped indicated the number of children the mother could expect in the future.
For decades sports stars have claimed that appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine was the fastest way to a slump or defeat.
When John Madden was the coach of the Oakland Raiders football team, he wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen had belched.
Are you an animal lover? I imagine most of us love and appreciate our pets and make them part of the family. Other folks love animals just as much, if not more, but that is based entirely on their favorite meat cuts and flavor. Todays post will give you a few facts you might not have heard before Enjoy!
In the last three thousand years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Scientist have discovered that chickens egg output increases when pop music is played in their roost.
A pelican can hold approximately 25 pounds of fish in it’s pouch.
The first fish in space was a South American guppy in 1976.
Iguanas, koalas and Komodo dragons all have two penises.
Armadillos and humans are the only animals that can get leprosy.
Camels milk is the only milk that doesn’t curdle when boiled.
Jackals have one more pair of chromosomes than dogs or wolves.
No one knows why a ducks quack doesn’t echo.
Rhino’s belong to the same family as horses and were thought to have inspired the myth of the unicorn.
With the Fourth of July behind us it’s time to move on down the road. I realized recently that with the World Cup invading America, making thousands of videos, and loving our life here, I began to see things about them more clearly than ever before. Since I’ve been impressed with them, now it’s time for you to impress yourselves with a World Trivia Quiz. This is how I celebrate the Fourth. as always the answers will be listed below.
What are the natives of Monaco called?
What is the mussiest river in the world?
Where was St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, born?
On what island are one-third of the world’s languages spoken?
American children get their Easter eggs from the Easter Bunny. Who delivers Easter eggs to Swiss youngsters?
Serendip was the early name for Ceylon. What is it now called?
What was the name of the pug who shared it’s bed with Napoleon and Josephine?
Where is the large iron key to the Bastille – that notorious French prison – kept today?
What river is the only one that flows both north and south of the equator?
What country, after the USA, has the world’s greatest number of tornados?
🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎
The Answers
Monegasques, The Yellow River in China, Scotland, New Guinea with 700 native languages, The Easter Cuckoo, Sri Lanka, Fortune, George Washington’s home at Mt. Vernon, The Congo – it crosses the equator twice, Australia.
It’s almost too effing hot to do anything. I’m hiding in the man-cave with the fans roaring and it sounds more like an airport runway than a man-cave. It’s as good a day as any to post more of my favorite things: limericks. I normally post limericks by category but not today. Here are a few chosen totally at random from the archives.
Today I thought I should step away from all of the excitement connected with the World Cup. The endless supply of Tik-Toker’s are doing a fine job of informing the world about the USA and I’m sincerely happy about that. Reality will return soon enough, so enjoy our time in the sun as best you can. Todays post is a collection of thoughts and opinions by one of my favorite writers and philosophers, Oscar Wilde. He was a figure both loved and hated due to his many writings and personal exploits. I’ve always appreciated his Irish sense of humor and skilled and vicious use of sarcasm. A warning for those of you (myself included) who wield the sharp sword of sarcasm at every turn. It’s always a hazardous hobby even on the good days. Let’s get started.
ON WOMEN
“American women are pretty and charming: little oases of elegant unreasonableness in a vast desert of practical common sense.”
“Women are meant to be loved, not understood.”
“A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, as long as other women are looking on.”
“I like men who have a future, and women who have a past.”
“If you really want to know what a women means, which is dangerous, always look at her but never listen.”
ON MEN
“Men become old, they never become good.”
“I sometime think that God, in creating man, rather overestimated his ability.”
“If a man is a gentleman, he knows quite enough, and if he is not a gentleman, whatever he knows is likely to be bad for him.”
“A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her.”
ON LOVE & MARRIAGE
“London is full of women who trust their husbands; one can always recognize them because they look so thoroughly unhappy.”
“The only real tragedy in a woman’s life is that her past is always her lover, and her future is invariably her husband.”
“There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman; it’s a thing that no married man knows anything about.”
“Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious: both are disappointed.”
❤️❤️❤️
ONE OF MY FAVORITES
“No great artist sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.”
everyuselessthing.com 