Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag

07/01/2022 White House Creepers   3 comments

I just found out that the White House appears to be haunted and has been for some years. I love thinking about the Carters, Clintons, and Bushes being visited in the wee hours. Oh, if it were only true. Here are a few reported incidents that truly tickle my funny bone.

  • You as we’ve learned in our history lessons in school, Pres. William Henry Harrison became ill at his inauguration and died from pneumonia on April 4, 1841, just one month after taking office. Harrison’s translucent ghost has been seen throughout the White House but primarily in the residential areas. It appears to be looking for something and walks through closed doors.
  • If you like to hear about a happier ghost, go to the Queen’s bedroom the White House where President Andrew Jackson’s ghost can occasionally be seen. Since in life he was known as quite the ladies’ man, the Queen’s bedroom at that time was reserved for female guests of honor.
  • During World War II that same Queens bedroom was called the Rose room and was where Winston Churchill once stayed. He encountered the ghost of Abraham Lincoln standing in front of the fireplace with one hand on the mantle, staring down at the hearth. Always a quick wit, Churchill said, “Good evening Mr. President, you seem to have me at a disadvantage”. According to Churchill, Lincoln smiled at him and disappeared.
  • When Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands stayed in the Queen’s bedroom in 1945, she was awakened by noisy footsteps in the corridor outside her room. When the Queen finally opened her door, she was face-to-face with the specter of Abraham Lincoln. She said he looked very much alive and was dressed in travel clothes including top hat and coat. The queen gasped, and Lincoln vanished.
  • It appears that Abraham Lincoln refuses to leave the White House. His apparition has been seen clearly by hundreds, including Eleanor Roosevelt’s maid, sitting on a bed, removing his boots. Calvin Coolidge’s wife saw Lincoln’s face reflected in the window in the Yellow Oval Room. I thought it was tough to get rid of the Clintons but Lincoln’s just being ridiculous.
  • Abigail Adams did her laundry and hung it out to dry in the White House’s East Room. Her ghost appears regularly and is wrapped in a shawl.
  • Dolly Madison was the designer of the Rose Garden. When Woodrow Wilson’s second wife Edith, ordered gardeners to dig up the garden for new plants, Dolly’s apparition appeared and allegedly insisted that no one was going to touch her garden. You should know that to this day those roses remain exactly as they were when the Madisons lived in the White House in the early 1800s.

Well, all of these entries should tell you something but I’m not quite sure what. The White House is either filled with dozens of ghosts that refuse to leave or everybody that hangs out in the White House is delusional. I’m not a big believer in ghosts but to hear all these stories makes me wonder more than I usually do about politicians and their vivid imaginations.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR HILARY TO RETURN? . . . OOOOOOH, SCARY!

06/29/2022 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   Leave a comment

I’m still contemplating whether to post those extremely lewd limericks I’ve been talking about for weeks. At some point I’ll be forced into a decision but not just yet. How about a few that aren’t quite as disturbing. Here are a few prizewinners about virgins.

There was a young virgin named Alice

Who thought of her puss as a chalice.

One night, sleeping nude,

She awoke feeling lewd,

And found in her chalice a phallus.

😏😏😏

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.

😜😜😜

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said, “If you want to know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.”

🀣🀣🀣

A girl named Alice, in Dallas,

Had never felt of the phallus.

She remained virgo intacto,

Because, ipso facto,

No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

😘😘😘

That should keep you limerick lovers calm for a while until I make my final decision. I’ll probably have to come up with some kind of a warning paragraph with flashing lights to ensure no children read the wrong limericks. I’m still working on that and trying to keep my better-half from kicking my ass. She’s a bit of a prude.

THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO START YOUR DAY

06/26/2022 πŸ™‰More MalapropsπŸ™‰   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

06/25/2022 “Lewd, Screwed, and Tattooed”   Leave a comment

πŸ©πŸ†πŸ©πŸ†πŸ©

A few weeks ago, I promised you limerick lovers some really bawdy and rude limericks. I have quite a collection of those, but I hesitate to post them because it would be really bad if any children were to read them. I recently bought a book from an online thrift store which contains 1001 of the rudest limericks I’ve ever seen. I’m still considering whether to post any of them or at least try to find a few that are a little less objectionable.

Just to give you some idea what I’m talking about I thought I would regale you with an erotic poem written by the author of the book, Mr. Ronald Stanza. This little ditty was copied directly from the rear page of his book cover. Good luck.

❀️

Here now is a steamy collection

Of limericks rare. Each selection

Will run for five lines,

Contain marvelous rhymes –

Detailing sex acts of subtle complexion.

🀀🀀🀀

Though often the rhyming is coarse

And the meter is ragged, or worse.

Positions are randy

The sex is jim-dandy

In this book of libidinous verse.

πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹

Some readers may think that it’s crude

To offer for sale what is lewd

But if you’re offended

By what is appended.

We’ll say what you are: you’re a prude!

😏😏😏

For others the thought of an organ

Of sex is a scream. And it’s sure fun

To peep and to poke

And make sex a joke.

If a fault, it’s delightfully human!

πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†

The more I read this little ditty the more I like it. A special thanks goes out to Mr. Ronald Stanza for his fine work. I’ll let you know about the final decision on the week of lewd limericks in a few days, but it isn’t looking good.

HAVE A GREAT (AND HOPEFULLY LEWD) WEEKEND

06/21/2022 What . . . Huh?   Leave a comment

I love sharing quotations with you and I have more of them than I have limericks. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true. Most quotations are meant to offer up some sort of truth or to pluck at our sentimental heartstrings. Those are all fine and good but really not the ones I like best. I love celebrity quotes because most of them are humorous, and they help to humanize celebrities that always need a little humanizing. Here are a few I discovered.

  • “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas A. Edison
  • “Music should strike fire from the heart of man and bring tears from the eyes of woman.” Ludvig von Beethoven
  • “Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.” Ogden Nash
  • “If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.” Sir Paul McCartney
  • “I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” Fran Leibowitz
  • “There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” Mark Twain
  • “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

LET’S HOPE THEY NEVER STOP REGALING US WITH THEIR WISDOM

06/20/2022 “Retro Limericks”   Leave a comment

A few months ago, while I was surfing on eBay, I purchased a number of books on a whim. In one of those books, I discovered it was a library book from the North Side School Library in Rogers, Arkansas dated 1965. The book contains limericks written by quite a variety of people, some well-known some not so much. They’re funny and cute and dated. I hope they bring a smile to your face as you read them. Here we go . . .

Edward Lear

There was an old man in a tree,

Who was horribly bored by a bee.

When they said, “Does it buzz?”

He replied, “Yes, it does!

It’s a regular brute of a bee.”

😁😁😁

Ogden Nash

There was an old man of Calcutta,

Who coated his tonsils with butta,

Thus, converting his snore

From a thunderous roar

To a soft, only oleaginous mutta.

πŸ˜›πŸ˜›πŸ˜›

Lewis Carroll

His sister named Lucy O’Finner,

Grew constantly thinner and thinner,

The reason was plain,

She slept out in the rain,

And was never allowed any dinner.

πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰

Rudyard Kipling

There once was a small boy in QuΓ©bec

Stood buried in snow to his neck.

When asked: “Are you friz?”

He said: “Yes I is,

But we don’t call this cold in QuΓ©bec.”

πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹

Carolyn Wells

A canner, exceedingly canny,

One morning he remarked to his granny,

“A canner can can

Anything that he can,

But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”

As you can see, some of these people were famous but that was 57 years ago. The limericks were mostly written in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.

HAVE A GREAT DAY

06/19/2022 “Malaprops”   1 comment

I’m sure some of you know the definition of a malaprop. If not, here it is. A malaprop is the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentional amusing effect. I really didn’t know the definition or the word myself but while posting yesterday I noticed two entries that amused me. After digging around in my books I discovered the term malaprop and a number of examples I thought you might find interesting and hopefully amusing. Here they are . . .

  • Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
  • Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
  • William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
  • The book was so exciting I couldn’t finish it until I put it down.
  • The difference between a king and a president is that king is the son of his father and a president isn’t.
  • The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
  • The Magna Carta provided that no freemen should be hanged twice for the same offense.
  • Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. Your head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
  • He saw three other people in the restaurant, and half of those were waiters.

Now you know what malaprops are. As I read them, I realized that I’ve seen samples of them many times before but never heard anyone use the term. I’m ambivalent about knowing it now and I’m almost sorry I made you aware of it. I may revisit this subject in the future or maybe not.

HAPPY MONDAY

06/14/2022 πŸ₯΄Silly Limerick AlertπŸ₯΄   Leave a comment

In the past few weeks, I’ve posted limericks written by children, limericks written for children, and a selection of bawdy and crude limericks for the adults. Today I’m posting limericks that are just silly, cute and funny. Readable by all, kids and grownups alike. Enjoy!

There was a young lady of Kent

Whose nose was most awfully bent.

One day, I suppose,

She followed her nose,

For no one knew which way she went.

πŸ€ͺπŸ€ͺπŸ€ͺ

A tutor who tooted the flute

Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.

Said the two to the tutor,

“Is it harder to toot or

To tutor two tooters to toot?”

😎😎😎

A cannibal living in France

Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,

A cow and her calf,

An ox and a half,

And now he can’t button his pants.

😜😜😜

A careless zookeeper named Blake

Fell into a tropical lake.

Said a fat alligator

A few minutes later,

“Not bad, but I still prefer steak.”

HAVE A SILLY WEEK

06/13/2022 “Cats”   Leave a comment

Since I had a lot to say about dogs yesterday, it seems only right that I report a few things, both good and bad about cats. Here are a few . . .

  • 7000 years ago, some of the first settlers in ancient Egypt were farmers, growing grain along the banks of the Nile. Their fields were overrun with about a zillion mice and ravenous rats. The farmers helped the cats develop a taste for those little rodents and one good cat could clear a field of vermin in an evening. They became such a part of the Egyptian lifestyle that in later years they were actually worshiped.
  • Bastet was an Egyptian goddess with the body of a woman and the head of a cat. She became one of the most revered of the Egyptian gods, in charge of fertility, beauty, and motherhood.
  • Julius Caesar, King Henry II, King Charles XI, and Napoleon all had terrible aelurophobia, a fear of cats.
  • The prophet Mohammed was a big cat lover. His favorite cat, Muezza, once saved his life by warning him about a dangerous snake.
  • Florence Nightingale, the world’s most famous nurse, was cat crazy. She owned more than 60 cats over the course of her lifetime.
  • One more Egyptian note. In the 1800’s archaeologists digging in the shadows of the Egyptian pyramids unearthed a huge cemetery filled with more than 300,000 cat mummies.

I hope all of you rabid dog fans out there can now relax a little. We cat persons understand, appreciate, and sympathize about your passion for dogs. Some of your emails were a little disturbing but I really do understand your pain. LOL

CATS STILL RULE!

06/07/2022 “Fun Limerick Alert”   Leave a comment

I thought I would try something different today. We all love limericks mostly because they can be naughty, dirty, and lewd and yet still funny. I’ve made a point of posting a number of limericks in recent weeks written by children that were Rated G and they were well received. I’m going to take it another step further today by introducing you to a number of limericks written by adults for children (circa 1965). They are clean and clever and funny. Most kids love or hate school, so let’s make these limericks about school and college. I hope you enjoy them.

Said a boy to his teacher one day

“Wright has not written rite right, I say.”

And the teacher replied,

As the blunder she eyed,

“Right! – Wright, write rite, right away!”

πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄

A teacher who spelling’s unique

Thus, wrote down the “Days of the Wique”:

First, he spelt “Sonday,”

The second day, “Munday”

And now a new teacher they sique.

😷😷😷

There’s a very mean man of Belsize,

Who thinks he is clever and wise.

And what do you think,

He saves gallons of ink

By simply not dotting his “i’s”.

😁😁😁

A collegiate damsel named Breeze,

Weighed down by B.A,’s and P.H.D.’s,

Collapsed from the strain.

Alas, it was plain

She was killing herself by degrees.

πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡

LIMERICKS RULE

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