Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

08-06-2017 Syndromes!   Leave a comment

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I think I’ve become a victim of RAS Syndrome. As you well know there seem to be hundreds of magical syndromes that are announced on a regular basis to help excuse what some might call “shitty behavior”. While there are many real syndromes out there some alleged experts create as many questionable or fictitious  syndromes as the imagination will allow. It’s those acronyms and syndromes  that are driving me mad. Searching the Net I’ve found hundreds and hundreds of these acronyms for just about anything you can think of.  Here’s one of mine:

RAS Syndrome (short for “redundant acronym syndrome syndrome”) refers to the use of one or more of the words that make up an acronym in conjunction with the abbreviated form, thus in effect repeating one or more words.

How about a few examples?

If you fart in church then you must be suffering from the infamous NFIPP Syndrome. That’s “Nasty Farts In Public Places”. It’s really not your fault that you farted, it’s the fault of the Church for pressuring you into attending services after one of their famous bean dinners.

Another of my favorites is the BBABO. That’s the “Bad Breath And Body Odor Syndrome”.  No matter where I go or where I sit a person suffering with this disorder manages to be right next to me.  That in turn gives me a case of VIMT. That’s “Vomit In My Throat Syndrome”‘, for those of you who are unaware that you may suffer from that same disorder.

I’ve also  noticed another major syndrome as I walked through our local Wal-Mart recently. It’s one of the most common ones I see these days. It’s confusing, disgusting, and at times revolting and it’s called the YODOAFM Syndrome. “You Obviously Don’t Own A F–King Mirror Syndrome”.  Many Wal-Mart customers have been infected over the years and now it’s threatening to become a pandemic.

I’ve suffered from a another syndrome since early childhood.  At times it’s been a good thing but occasionally it’s anything but. It’s the IDGASWYT Syndrome. That’s the “I Don’t Give A Shit What You Think Syndrome”. It’s something genetic I inherited from my father, his father, and his father.

The one that has shown up recently to cause all of us problems is the IHTBIAWC Syndrome. That’s “I Hate Trump Because I’m A Whinny Crybaby Syndrome” It’s been running rampant through the country since Election Day but only seems to be infecting Liberals, Democrats, and a few million illegal aliens.

I have another one for all of  them.  It’s the KMIA Syndrome (Kiss My Independent Ass).

 

 

 

 

 

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07-19-2017 Presidential Thoughts and Other C.R.A.P   2 comments

Now that Mr. Trump has been elected it’s been a real treat watching the Liberals and Mainstream Media losing their minds.  The truth about media bias is no longer the big secret it once was except for those of us who have been paying attention for years. I thought after a few months of this nonsense it would gradually ease up but it hasn’t. They continue to chew on that dried up old bone until their brains explode. I’m a patient guy who will gladly wait around to watch their continuous escapades to strike out at Mr. Trump with little or no success.

This next item was sent to me by a friend. The first line is a the Medias lame attempt to belittle the President as being nothing more than a former reality television star.  The fact that he is also a billionaire real estate developer is never mentioned.

Senator (To Be) Caitlyn Jenner

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Caitlyn Jenner has joined the list of celebrities who are considering running for political office in the United States following the election of former reality television star Donald Trump as president. 

The remainder of the article concerned a short list of celebrities just dying to enter the political arena to teach the rest of us mouth-breathers just how things are supposed to be done.  I say let them try.  If we can have Obama for eight years and survive, we can live with Senator Caitlyn Bruce Jenner,  Senator Kid Rock, or God forbid, President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Just more humorous shit to enjoy as the country slowly slides towards some sort of Third-World status. Maybe we could start a new type of NATO organization to help keep us safe from our enemies. It could be called CRAP, the Cluster of Real Arab Pals.  We could take a firm stand against Europe, China, and Russia with our new allies  Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Syria, and Saudi Arabia. We could sit around the meeting table and try desperately to convince each other what a bunch of bad asses we once were and how we will eventually rule the world.  It’s much too depressing to contemplate.

I’m trying my hardest to not get into a rant about all of this but it isn’t easy. Let me calm down some and pass along a humorous joke sent my way recently from a friend in Kansas City.  Here it is:

I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?” The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

“THIS POSTING HAS BEEN APPROVED BY C.R.A.P.

 

I’m Back ! !   2 comments

Well it’s been almost nine months since my last posting  and it’s time to give birth or rebirth to this blog.  Over the years I’ve posted hundreds of times on politics and politicians but never felt confident that anyone reading them gave a damn.  I guess I was somewhat mistaken since Donald Trump found a way to pull a magical rabbit out of his hat.  I think he jumped out of the frying pan directly into the media and liberal bonfire.  Good luck to you Mr. President you’re going to need it.  Also here’s a tip for you that I learned many years ago, “Keep low and keep moving.” It’s hard for anyone (even the Media) to hit a moving target.

During my time off I also turned 70 years of age which practically blew my mind.  I never expected to live this long and I intend to make the most of my remaining time bitching and moaning about anything and everything that irritates or annoys me.  I shouldn’t have any problems finding things to write about because right now in 2017 this is what the military would call,  “a target rich environment”.

In the past I wrote endlessly about my better-half, my grandchildren, and my every day life.  Going forward I may still mention them occasionally but the content of this blog will be changing. For years I posted once or twice a day, then I reduced that to just a daily entry but beginning today I’ll post when I have something to say.  If that’s twice a day or twice a week, so be it.

So thanks to my followers for sticking around for the last nine months waiting for me to return.  I hope you’ll find this blog even more interesting as we move forward.

Posted July 17, 2017 by Every Useless Thing in Education, Humor, Looking Back, politics

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09-22-2016 Final Post!!   Leave a comment

I’ve been contemplating something for the last few months and I’ve finally decided to end my blogging career here on WordPress. I’ve been blogging on a regular basis for almost seven years on two different blogs and I’ve had a lot to say. I’ve voiced my somewhat irreverent opinions on everything from politics to religion. It’s been a lot of fun and I’ve made some good friends over the years as well as a few liberal enemies.

I also have a number of other interests that have slowly but steadily taken over my daily activities and turned blogging into a secondary concern. I’ll be shutting down this blog the week prior to Halloween and it should remain available for a time until my domain renewal next year.  After that who knows . . . .

I’d like to thank all of my followers and other regular readers for stopping by as often as they have and I’ll certainly miss their intellectual and opinionated emails. The email, everyuselessthing@yahoo.com, will remain active indefinitely.

SAYONARA, ALOHA, and SHALOM!

09-04-2016 Journal – Big Easy-3!   Leave a comment

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Day two began with a walk through the French Quarter to the Toulouse Docks where the steamboat Natchez was moored.  My better-half has always wanted to ride the Mississippi River in an old steamship and we made that happen. We signed up for a three hour river cruise (hopefully better than Gilligan’s) that would take up south on the river through the busy port of NO. It was a brunch cruise and we had a great meal sitting on the main deck with a fantastic view of NO and the river.. It had been fully restored and was just like you would expect it to be minus the gambling tables and card cheats.

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One of the m0ost interesting sights was the massive amount of damage caused by Katrina.  There were huge section of docks and buildings that had been totally destroyed in the storm and had yet to be repaired or replaced.

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On the upper deck we checked out the gift shop and of course the bar. Their specialty drink was the Jazz Punch which was delicious and wickedly alcoholic. I wanted to have a second one but wasn’t sure I could off the boat without injury.  The views were incredible.

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We made a U-turn an hour later and proceeded back north to NO which was a sight to behold from the middle of the river.

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Another great day of relaxation to help us prepare for day three of the vacation.  Day three was on the top of my wish list and it meant an airboat and trip into the bayou’s.

HOPING FOR LOTS OF GREAT PHOTO’S

 

09-02-2016 Journal – Big Easy-2!   Leave a comment

The first day in NO was coming to an end and we decided to just hit the streets and roam around to get a better feel for things.  It was just getting dark and we were both starving. That airline food really is a joke.  We stumbled on a place on the north end of the French Quarter called Coops.  It’s one of those places with a questionable first impression and it was filled with mostly local residents some of which were way out there.  Of course we immediately went in to sample some good old Cajun food and we weren’t sorry.

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My rule #1 for eating in NO. Go local!

I ordered my usual ice cold Chardonnay while my better-half discovered a new love. She ordered a Big Easy IPA that’s brewed locally.  She fell in love with the brew which meant I would have a few more of them on my credit card in the coming days. . . AND I DID!  She ordered some sort of shrimp dish while I stepped outside the box once again. I dined on rabbit and alligator sausage jambalaya.  I hate to say this about the rabbit but if cooked properly it tastes just like chicken. No eye rolling please. We were finally cooled down by the air conditioning and decided to continue our walking tour.  Temps were still in the low nineties at dusk.

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We stopped at a number of small shops when we saw something interesting and to use their air conditioning. I’d already sweat through my clothes and would do so many more times during our stay.

NO is known as an artist colony and one of the reasons I love this place so much. We saw murals and sculptures just about everywhere we went. Here are two samples from our first night.

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We spent a lot of time looking at art work displayed in galleries and also on the street in Jackson Square.  Some of it was really good, some just OK, and others that were unbelievably bad.  To each their own I guess.  We continued our walk into Jackson Square where the line of horse drawn carriages were waiting for customers.

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We were at the end of a very long day and headed back to our hotel for the night.  That little pool in the courtyard I posted about earlier was the best thing that happened to us the entire day. Off with the clothes, into the swim suits, and into all of that lovely cool water.  We chatted with some new friends from Germany at the pool, finished our drinks and went off to bed. Our room felt like a refrigerator and thank god for that.

MORE TO COME

08-22-2016 Journal – Herbs!   Leave a comment

With the Summer more than half over our garden time is more about canning, drying, and storing the results of our efforts than anything else.  I’ve been asked in the past how I can get so much production from such a small garden. There’s really no simple answer. An old adage immediately comes to mind: “Plan the work, then work the plan.”  Test your soil and keep it fresh, season to season, with compost. Plant your plants near compatible plants.  Pull the weeds and kill the bugs. Easy peasy!

The following picture was taken this morning of my small herb garden. The total square footage is 60 ft. which isn’t all that much.  I’ve noted the herbs planted there and while they are jammed tightly into the small space they are flourishing.

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This small patch has been supplying us with fresh and dried herbs for more than seven years and will hopefully continue to do so.  We’ve had so much luck with our herbs growing that next year we’re converting another 100 square feet of garden space for a much larger herb selection. This little patch will continue as is but the new area will be loaded with every herb I can find that we can dry and store. With a larger and more diverse collection I can begin harvesting herbs to create my own mixes for picking, canning, home brewing, and cooking.

Growing more herbs has a number of advantages over vegetables because none of Mother Nature’s little critters seem to like the herbs. That doesn’t include neighborhood felines who find fresh catnip rather interesting. That will allow me to remove some of the fencing I have in place and eliminate my current problems of ripping my clothing on the fence  or constantly falling on my butt trying to climb over it.  My better-half claims that I’m the clumsiest person on the planet but I dispute that.  I’m just unlucky is all.

I will try to post as usual but our upcoming vacation may make it difficult. I’ll attempt to post from New Orleans if I can but after all it is a vacation. I’ll have plenty to post about upon our return.

ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR SUMMER

08-10-2016 Journal – Garden Frustrations!   Leave a comment

As you all know I love gardening.  That doesn’t change the fact that at times it’s as  frustrating as hell.  Last year my garden problems concerned a number of God’s annoying little critters that insisted on attacking my garden.  Since I’m a problem solver I installed a fence around certain portions of the garden that they like to eat. Problem solved, right? No way.  The following photos were some of the items harvested so far this year in spite of the critters.

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The culprit from last years fiasco has since disappeared and we haven’t had one of his nightly visits this year. Unfortunately he has friends that were apparently given detailed directions to find us. This year for the first time in eight years we were visited by a big fat groundhog.  He was sitting right in the middle of the yard watching the house when I spotted him the first time.  He ran into a culvert to hide and I immediately dropped a couple of fire crackers in after him.  If it didn’t scare him, it certainly deafened him.  Problem solved, right! Not hardly.

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A week later he was back sitting in the same spot and it appeared he may have been taunting me a little. I couldn’t see all that clearly but I think he might have been giving me the finger as well.  It was time for the big guns.  With my handy pistol in hand I gave chase and took a shot at him. He was one helluva lot faster than he looked and escaped with his life.  Problem solved, Right!   No effing way.

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A few day later I discovered that someone had been eating my kale plants that were of course, not inside the damn fence.  It’s man against the critters once again.  I’ve never won any battles against them before but maybe this time I’ll have more luck.

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I HATE MOTHER NATURE

08-06-2016 Journal Entry – The 2016 Squirrel Wars!   Leave a comment

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I’m a little late in posting today due in part to visiting family from Maryland.  All of us have been kept rather busy for a few days which makes posting this blog more difficult.  Things remain much of the same around here. I take care of the garden, cut what grass that hasn’t been burned away by the heat and lack of rain, and of course . . . PRAY FOR RAIN.

I’m also in the midst of a battle with a community of squirrels (both gray and red) that have a special love for our house and our bird feeders.  A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in our second floor living room doing some work on my laptop. The living room is directly adjacent to a porch that leads onto a second story deck.  I had the door to the deck open so the stupid cat could lounge around outside which in hindsight was my first big mistake.

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I was completely focused on the computer  but  noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and sitting in the middle of the living room was a red squirrel calmly watching me.  Apparently a string of loud curse words are the perfect squirrel repellent I’ve been looking for.  He made a dash for the door and onto the deck and dove straight into the nearby trees.  Where was my ferocious cat?  He was asleep on the chair not three feet from the damn squirrel. He barely blinked an eye as I was screaming at it.  He’ll pay for his total lack of interest in the very near future.

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The very next day I heard a noise on the porch and that same little red squirrel was in the process of chewing through a bag of bird seed. Again he escaped but just barely.  He sat in a nearby tree chittering at me until I shot him in the ass with a B-B gun.  I hate killing them but I will certainly take every opportunity to give him a bruise or two with that B-B gun.

Soooooooo! Today I was once again alone in the house working in the living room. I was really concentrating on my project and jumped nearly three feet in the air due to a loud crash on the porch. I ran over to investigate and found a big fat gray squirrel sitting next to an overturned container of bird seed. He saw me and very calmly walked out onto the deck and split.  I may be a little slow on the uptake but I’m reasonably certain the word is out in the squirrel community that I have food on my porch.

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Tomorrow I will begin taking steps to address these issues but I’m not optimistic.  I’ve been involved in two other squirrel wars at other places I’ve lived and sadly lost them both.

I’M  HOPING FOR THE BEST AND EXPECTING THE WORST

08-04-2016 Journal – Odd Facts!   Leave a comment

 

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I feel the need today to once again fill your heads with more of my useless information. These factoids were chosen at random and are in no particular order or category.

  • Thomas Jefferson invented the swivel chair.
  • The philosopher Daniel Dennett introduced the Frisbee to Britain.
  • Isaac Newton invented the cat door.
  • The longest length of time from invention to production was for the ballpoint pen at 58 years.  The zipper took only 32 years.
  • Windshield wipers, laser printers, and bullet-proof vests were invented by women.

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I’m amazed at some of the facts I’ve been finding and the longer I look the crazier they seem to get. Lets continue.

  • In India, 127 million people were vaccinated in a single day in 1997.
  • There are nearly as many American Indians in California now as there were in the eighteenth century.
  • By 2007, the cost of a coffin in Bagdad was 50-75 dollars, up from 5-10 before the Iraq war.
  • In Britain, 93% of young people can master a computer game while only 38% can bake a potato.
  • Jack  Bauer, the lead character from the series 24, personally killed 112 people in the first five seasons of the show.

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Re your eyes getting tired? Are you bored yet?  No!  I’ll just keep going until you’re asleep.

  • There are no legal public cinema’s in Saudi Arabia.
  • One in every 3400 Americans  is an Elvis impersonator.
  • There are approximately twenty families with the name Obama in the US, compared with more than 11,000 Clintons and 60,000 Bushes.
  • In the year 1377, 35% of all English men were named John.
  • There are more people named Chang in China than there are people in Germany.

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That’s just about it for today but I have one more tidbit I especially liked:

“In the urban West, one of every three women has blond hair; only one in 20 is a natural blond.”

Someone has the best job ever. He spends all day checking to see if the rugs match the drapes.

I WANT THAT JOB