Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

08/17/2022 💥ODD FACTS💥   1 comment

  • When Joan of Arc was burned at the stake, she was condemned for two crimes: witchcraft and wearing men’s clothing.
  • Two dozen American states considered impotence legal grounds for divorce.
  • At any time, .7 percent of the world’s population is drunk.
  • The King of Diamonds in a standard card deck was designed after Julius Caesar. King of Spades for King David, King of Clubs for Alexander the Great, and King of Hearts for Charlemagne.
  • A flink is a group of 12 or more cows.

  • In a single day, one cow discharges enough methane to fill 400 one-liter bottles.
  • A standard pencil could draw a 35-mile-long line before it runs out of lead (graphite).
  • The average life span of a goldfish living in the wild is 25 years.
  • Approximately 500 pounds of Silly Putty are produced every day.
  • The Guinness World Records book is considered the most commonly stolen volume from libraries around the world. In the United States the Bible is the most shoplifted book.

And here is my quote of the day:

“It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.”

Bridgette Bardot

08/16/2022 Limericks for Kids   Leave a comment

It’s time for a few limericks written primarily for kids and young adults. It’s nice for a change to post limericks that aren’t totally crude and for adults only. I like to offer an interesting selection and here we go . . .

😗😗😗

There was a young farmer of Leeds,

Who swallowed a packet of seeds,

It soon came to pass

He was covered with grass,

And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds.

😜😜😜

There was a young fellow of Perth,

Who was born on the day of his birth.

He was married, they say,

On his wife’s wedding day,

And he died when he quitted the earth.

😁😁😁

A certain young man of great gumption,

‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption

To go – but alack!

He never came back.

They say ’twas a case of consumption.

😊😊😊

There was a young lady named Perkins,

Who had a great fondness for gherkins.

She went to a tea

And ate twenty-three,

Which pickled her internal workin’s.

HAPPY HUMP DAY

08/15/2022 ⚾⚾ YOGI ⚾⚾   Leave a comment

To say I am a baseball fan would be an understatement and when writing about famous orators how could I forget the man, “Yogi Berra”. For me, he’s the perfect example of what old time baseball was all about. He was a great player and manager and always made the Yankees fans proud. Weirdly enough he has since become almost as famous for his stream of hilarious quotations. Here are a few for your entertainment.

  • “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
  • “Baseball is 90% mental- the other half is physical.”
  • “Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
  • “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
  • “This is like déjà vu all over again.”

  • “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
  • “It gets late early out there.”
  • “Think! How the hell are you going to think and hit at the same time?”
  • “Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
  • When his wife asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” His response was, “Surprise me.”

THE AMBASSADOR OF BASEBALL

08/14/2022 Fun and BS   Leave a comment

HILLARY CLINTON ADOPTS ALIEN BABY

Back in the day it was normal for almost anyone standing in line at any grocery store to be bored out of their mind. What do you do then? You take one of the ever so strange publications in the rack and read the most outrageous stories that were obviously nothing but BS in tabloids like The National Inquirer, The Sun, and The Daily Record. I’m pleased to announce that most if not all of them still exist but these days they’re mostly on-line. My current favorite is The Weekly World News. They take legitimate stories and then spice them up with some of the worst headlines and facts that are twisted beyond belief. They are nothing more than hysterically funny comic relief. Here are a few samples of their work:

Alien Backs Clinton!

Bat Child Found in Cave!

Half-Human Half-Fish Found in Florida!

Titanic Baby Found Alive!

Bug Size UFO Found on Playground!

And you thought I was kidding. Here are a few more of their most outrageous stories and headlines. You can’t help but smile and shake your head after reading them.

11-YEAR-OLD BOY RAPED – BY SEX STARVED MAID WITH AIDS

BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS

KID WITH THREE ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION

I MADE MYSELF PREGNANT WITH A TURKEY BASTER

ANT ARMY EATS 935 PEOPLE

SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHS SO HARD – HE SLIT HIS THROAT

HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS FLATTENS TOWN

CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS

It’s interesting to sit back and enjoy “fake news” for a change that isn’t carefully disguised and worded by the Mainstream Media and all of our straight-shooting politicians. If you’d like to see more stop off at their website: weeklyworldnews.com. It’s worth a few laughs which we definitely need more of these days.

START YOUR WEEK WITH A LAUGH

08/13/2022 🤩CELEBRITY ODDITIES🤩   Leave a comment

I’m not a lover of celebrities because in all cases they are as flawed and screwed up as the rest of us. Being famous just makes their activities even worse than what they actually are because the media just won’t let go of things. Here are a few celebrity facts that most of you should find interesting. As I’m told so often, “everyone loves celebrities”. Well almost everyone.

  • In 2006, William Shatner was paid $25,000.00 by an online casino for a kidney stone he had recently passed.
  • Charlie Chapin once placed third in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
  • Martha Stewart once dated actor Anthony Hopkins but dumped him because she couldn’t separate him from Hannible Lecter, his character in Silence of the Lambs.
  • Elvis Presley got a “C” in music in eight grade and was told by the teacher that he had no singing talent.
  • Actress Cybil Shepherd dated Elvis in the 70’s and hinted on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she had to teach him how to perform cunninlinqus.

  • Mickey Mouse creator Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  • Actress Drew Barrymore began drinking at age nine, smoking weed at ten and snorting cocaine at twelve. She then entered rehab at age thirteen, the youngest star ever to do so.
  • False web rumors began to circulate in 2005 that TV star Jaleel White (Urkel on Family Matters) had committed suicide and left a note that read “Did I do that?”, Urkel’s catchphrase.
  • Nobel Prize winning biologist Francis Crick was high on LSD when he discovered the double helix structure of DNA.
  • Actress Rebecca Gayheart while on her cell phone stuck and killed a nine-year old girl in LA in 2001. She pled guilty to manslaughter and was sentenced to three years’ probation and a fine.

WE’RE LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WHO WANT TO BE FAMOUS

08/12/2022 Sarcasm   Leave a comment

I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB so many times I can’t count. That was by friends and acquaintances who I got along with. Comments by others were often even worse. I love and live for sarcasm because it’s a subtle way to criticize or make fun of someone without conflict. The reason there’s no conflict is that most people haven’t a clue when someone is being sarcastic. They pretend to be amused but aren’t even sure why. Any time I find any information on sarcasm, and it’s uses, I buy it. Here are a few collected definitions of sarcasm you might enjoy and if they don’t make sense to you, find a sarcastic friend to explain them.

  • A CONSERVATIVE is someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
  • FAT is what you don’t realize you are getting until you have to suck in your gut even when you are lying down.
  • The CREDIT CARD is a small wallet sized device that finally made misery, ruin, and despair accessible to just about anyone.
  • A CUSTOMER is a person who once came first and was always right, and is now routinely ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at by the clueless, text messaging employees of most modern-day retail establishments. This has resulted in increased Internet commerce, wherein if the customer encounters a problem, he can simply call a toll-free number to get ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at.
  • A DOUGHNUT is a food created in response to the notion that if something has 20 grams of sugar, 25 grams of fat, and 425 calories, then it should be made available in groups of 12.

  • E-COMMERCE is a convenient way to make your bank account accessible to criminals without having to leave the comfort and safety of your own home.
  • EGO is the part of one’s mind that contains awareness in the sense of one’s own individuality. Highly developed in actors, models, sports figures, doctors, real estate tycoons, and God help us, our children.
  • EDGY describes an otherwise normal person or work of art deemed provocative or daring by virtue of a little profanity, self-mutilation, or both.
  • FAITH is a deeply personal, spiritual set of beliefs that provides for the option of engaging in endless, bloody civil war with anyone who has a different set of deeply personal, spiritual beliefs than you.
  • FASHION is something that a total of six people actually have time to follow. Which might explain why we keep seeing clips of runway models wearing some of the weirdest crap in the world, none of which ever makes it to your local Target.

This is just a short sampling of many hundreds of definitions that I’ve acquired. You’ll be seeing more of them in the future for sure.

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND

08/10/2022 💥💥Lewd Limerick Alert💥💥   Leave a comment

I decided that it was time to post a few limericks collected from a small and damaged book I discovered some months ago. It was published in 1980 and contains over 150 of the lewdest limericks I’ve ever seen. The great majority are so nasty I wouldn’t dare post them here, but I’ve found four of the more acceptable ones to give you an idea what I’m dealing with. Tell the kids to leave the room. Rated at least an “R”.

A worried young man from Stamboul

Discovered red spots on his tool.

Said the doctor, a cynic,

“Get out of my clinic!

Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.

🍆🍩🍆

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,

Complacently stroking his madam,

And so loud was his mirth

For on all of the earth

There were only two balls – and he had’em.

🍩🍆🍩

There was a young girl in Berlin

Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.

Though he diddled his best,

And fucked her with zest,

She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”

🍆🍩🍆

There was a young man from Purdue

Who was only just learning to screw,

But he hadn’t the knack,

And he got too far back

In the right church, but the wrong pew.

🍩🍆🍩

AND THESE WERE THE TAME ONES

08/09/2022 “Welcome to 1946”   Leave a comment

As I was looking through some old boxes and albums recently, I time traveled back to the days of my youth. Trust me it was a long, long, long time ago – circa 1946. So, in celebration of my recent birthday I put together this quick summary of the year I was born.

  • It was peace time in American after World War II but that didn’t slow the politicians down too much. President Truman seized the mines after employees rejected government-negotiated contracts and costly strikes hit General Motors, Ford, General Electric, along with meatpackers, musicians, longshoremen, railroad workers, coffin makers, and in Washington, DC, taxi drivers.
  • The Army and Navy were granted permission to manufacture atomic weapons.
  • On May 2, in San Francisco, Marines landed on Alcatraz to battle armed convicts in an attempted jailbreak.
  • Pacific tidal wave kills 205 in Hawaii.
  • On July 1 the United States detonated a bomb, the Bikini Helena, beneath the Pacific at the bikini atoll.

  • In France, the Cannes Film Festival was held for the first time, after its debut was rudely delayed by Hitler’s invasion of Poland.
  • Admiral Byrd led an expedition to the south pole.
  • Penicillin was synthesized for the first time by a United States chemist Vincent Du Vignea.
  • The three top billboard stars were Perry Como, Dinah Shore, and Frankie Carle.
  • In baseball, it was the American League over the National League, 12 to 0, in the annual All-Star game.

  • In pro football, the Chicago Bears bagged the National Football League title for a record sixth time.
  • The movie It’s a Wonderful Life debuted.
  • The top box office celebrity was Bing Crosby.
  • Consumers in New York reported eating horse meat as America’s meat and poultry supplies hit an all-time low. While poultry prices reached a dollar a pound, ceiling prices on choice cuts of horse were $.17-$.21 per pound.
  • On a shopping spree Cashmere and wool mufflers cost $6.50. 16mm movie projectors were $56.75. A party dress cost $14.95. A set of hickory skis came in at $9.95. A fancy Stetson felt hat could set you back a whopping $6.00.

And last and most importantly: I was born on August 8 (Baby Boomers Rule!).

IT’S FUN TO LOOK BACK, BUT NEVER TO GO BACK

08/07/2022 “Feet”   1 comment

I am a longtime lover of feet. When most guys were scoping out boobs and butts, I was looking for women wearing sandles. I’m not sure why or when I developed this love of feet, but it started at a very young age. Over the years it has been a wonderful addition to my dating repertoire. With that in mind here are some odd facts about feet you may not have been aware of. Read on and be converted you butt loving and boob loving men (or women). It’s all good.

  • The world’s tallest man, Robert Pershing Wadlow (8’11”) wore size 37 shoes.
  • In many Asian countries is considered the height of rudeness to let the soles of your feet face another person.
  • Your foot and ankle together contain 26 bones.
  • The Achilles tendon is the longest and strongest tendon in your foot. The tendon is named after the Greek warrior who was killed when he was hit there with an arrow.
  • The skin on the soles of your feet is .2 inches (5 mm) thick.

  • Athletes foot can cause intense itching and pain. It is a fungus that grows between your toes because it likes the dark, moist conditions found there.
  • It takes 20 muscles to hold each of your feet together and allow them to move as in dancing, running, and skipping.
  • Getting “cold feet” means you want to back down or walk away from something you had planned to do.
  • Your toes can get into lots of trouble. You could have hammer toes, claw toes, and overlapping toes, not to mention ingrown toenails. In some cases, people have been known to have their second toe a half inch or longer than the big toe (you know who you are).
  • If you have fallen arches, the arch of your foot has flattened. The entire sole of your foot is on the ground, so you don’t have a natural shock absorber system as you walk.

There you have a few oddities about feet. Most of the things I mentioned are a rarity and doesn’t do anything to disturb my foot fetish. I remain as always, a dedicated (disturbingly so) lover of women’s feet. Add to that bright red, blood red nail polish and I’m yours for the taking. LOL

EVERYONE NEEDS AT LEAST ONE INTERESTING FETISH

08/06/2022 “RAUCHINESS”   5 comments

My favorite word today is “Raunchy”. It’s not a word that’s heard too often these days, but I’ll do my best to do it justice. Another of my favorite things are riddles. As a kid we enjoyed them, and they were always fun. I’ll merge them together and give you ten “Raunchy Riddles” from the 1980’s. Here we go.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How fast can a girl go when she’s having sex? 68 . . . If she went 69, she’d blow a rod.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.

Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blonds

What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy? Her knees.

What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.

Why don’t men mind women claiming to be the foundation of our country? Because they know who laid the foundation.

What’s worse than a centipede with athletes’ foot? Captain Hook with jock itch.

What’s the French method of self-defense? Tung Fu

Why was the Duchess on her knees? She was down for the Count.

DON’T YOU JUST LOVE THE 80’S?

%d bloggers like this: