Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

01/16/2022 🚙Bumper Sticker🚙   Leave a comment

Not All Dumbs Are Blonde

01/15/2022 The Human Body   2 comments

After my last two years of medical issues and treatments, I consider myself something of an expert on my own body. I thought I knew all I needed to know but once again I was mistaken. Here are a few really interesting tidbits that will blow your mind. Even you former and current medical professionals, you know who you are. Here we go . . .

  • On average there are approximately 75,000,000,000,000 (trillion) cells in the human body.
  • There are ten times as many bacteria cells living in your gut (750 trillion).
  • Sixty percent of the solids in your poo are made up of bacteria from your gut.
  • There are about 100 billion nerve cells in the adult human brain, but 10 times as many support cells to look after them.
  • Adults lose on average, about 100,000 nerve cells from their brain every day. Over the course of a lifetime this adds up to losing about 7% of the brain.
  • Your heart beats approximately 100,000 times a day without rest for an entire lifetime – that’s more than 2.5 billion beats in your life.
  • Laid end to end, a child’s blood vessels would stretch for over 60,000 miles: and adults for 100,000 miles – that’s four times around the Equator.
  • The blood of an adult male contains more than 25 trillion cells.
  • An average red blood cell lives for only 120 days. During this time, it will travel 300 miles on its journey round and round the body.
  • The average male produces 50,000 sperm per minute – that’s 72 million per day. A single male ejaculation contains 200 million sperm – theoretically enough to generate a combined population of Britain, France, and Germany.
  • Each sperm leaving the penis travels at 8000 body lengths per second, equivalent to a human swimming at 34,000 miles per hour.
  • Over the course of three years almost every cell in your body will have been replaced by new ones, making you literally a different person to who you were two years ago.
  • One square inch of human skin has 19 million cells, 60 hairs, 90 oil glands, 19 feet of blood vessels, and 625 sweat glands.
  • Fingernails grow twice to four times as fast as toenails and the nail on the middle finger grows the fastest.
  • If you lose a toenail, it will take approximately six months to grow back completely.

I actually love all of these bizarre facts that are available about the human body. I’m just as glad that I found out late in life about all this nonsense because it would have freaked me out a bit in my younger years. I’m just so happy that I get to share it with all of you and if you’re really lucky you might be able to win a few Trivia Night Contests at your local tavern. Have one for me while you’re there.

LOVE YOUR BODY & OTHERS IF NECESSARY

😘Ciardi Limericks😘   2 comments

Everyone who’s ever read this blog for more than a day or two, knows just how much I love limericks. I like them funny, dirty, and filthy. I’ve been collecting them for many years but in a recent book I discovered a gentleman named John Ciardi. He was the second half of the book of limericks authored by Isaac Asimov. They were both lovers of limericks and have written some of the best ones I’ve ever seen. I posted samples of Asimov’s limericks a few weeks ago and today I thought I’d list a few of Mr. Ciardi’s. I know you’ll enjoy them because he takes a lot of time to craft them properly. Here we go . . .

There was a young lady who wouldn’t.

Her mother had told her she shouldn’t.

When dear mama died

She felt free. So, she tried,

but by then she was so old she couldn’t.

There once was a girl from New Haven

Whose pubic hair was not shaven

But missing because

She slept without drawers

Within range of a nest building Raven

There was a young lady named Jo❤

Who always said,” Thank you, but no,”

Which is poised and polite

But never does quite

As well as “Sure, Buster, let’s go.”

😜😜😜

A young do-it-yourselfer once screwed

Two pieces together. If you’d

Like to know what he made,

You must ask Adelaide

And her little sister, Gertrude

🚽🚽🚽

There was an old hooker who blew.

What I mean is, she left town. If you

Understood what I said

To mean she gave head,

Well, I guess there was some of that, too.

I would like to thank Mr. Ciardi for all of his hard work in creating these wonderful limericks. After reading all of his limericks as well as Isaac Asimov’s, it inspires me to begin writing a few of my own again. You can be sure of only one thing, mine will be a little ruder than theirs. Write a few of your own and send them along.

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR

01/13/2022 New Year Trivia   2 comments

Now that the holidays are behind us, it’s time to get rolling with trivia for 2022. I decided to restock my archives with some new and exciting trivia. I’ve been trolling the web and found 6 additional books with highly interesting, weird and strange trivia items. Let’s start with these fifteen to get this year’s started.

  • The German submarine, U-1206, sank in 1945 when it’s toilet was operated improperly.
  • Around 1 million gladiators lost their lives in the arena.
  • Nearly 1,500 different types of insects are eaten around the world.
  • Surgeons were drilling holes in people’s skulls in 6,000 B.C.
  • U.S. magician, Dorothy Dietrich, is the only woman to catch a fired bullet between her teeth.
  • The Bombardier beetle pelts enemies with a boiling, foul smelling liquid.
  • A Siamese cat in Russia weighed an astonishing 50 lbs. – the average weight of a 7-year-old girl.
  • In 1894, a shower of jellyfish fell on the city of Bath in England.
  • The last witch was burned in England in 1712.
  • Every day you shed around 500 million skin scales, 10 million of which carry bacteria.
  • Male vampire moths drill a feeding tube into human skin in order to suck up blood.
  • An earthworm excretes the equivalent of its body weight every day.
  • Three cyclists have died while competing in the Tour De France.
  • Tonsilloliths are small, yellow, foul smelling “stones” that live around the tonsils and cause bad breath.
  • Most people pass around 600 ml of gas a day in 14 farts.

I took it easy on you with these items. A have a host of others which are a bit more disgusting. I’ll send them along at a later date. Here’s an item concerning political correctness at its very best:

Roman Emperor Claudius (10 BC to AD 54) was said to have been so worried about people politely holding in their farts and being poisoned by them that he passed a law legalizing farting at feasts.

GOTTA LOVE THEM ROMANS

👍Stupid Headline👍   Leave a comment

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

🚑BUMPER STICKER🚑   Leave a comment

Beer Isn’t Just for Breakfast

01/11/2022 Quote of the Day   Leave a comment

“When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it’s his duty.”

George Bernard Shaw 1898

01/11/2022 Gotta Luv Satire   Leave a comment

Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.

All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.

I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.

A NEW CENTURY DAWNS

MCKINLEY USHERS IN BOLD NEW COAL AGE

NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE

OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL

WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?

DEATH BY CORSET RATES STABILIZE AT ONE IN SIX

GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET

AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH

BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM

VATICAN CONDEMNS ‘RHYTHM METHOD’

RELEASES PAPAL EDICT OUTLINING FORBIDDEN FAMILTY PRACTICES

ITALIANS IN ATTENDENCE VOW TO PEOPLE THE PLANET

I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.

MORE TO COME

🖊Stupid Headline🖊   Leave a comment

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

♻Quote of the Week♻   Leave a comment

“Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy

and wealthy and dead.”

James Thurber 1940

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