Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

07/13/2021 Political Insights (Not Mine)   Leave a comment

Over the years I’ve wasted a great deal of my valuable time and efforts arguing about politics and political strategy. How stupid am I? Don’t answer that. It always feels good at first when your spewing your expert opinions to anyone who will listen. Fifty percent of them listen politely, smile, and later talk about what a boar you’ve become. The other fifty percent listen politely, wait until you’ve stopped talking, and then begin filling the air with their opinions and nonsense. They’ve listened to none of your ideas but waited patiently for you to shut up. You just gotta hate those A Type personalities.

I’ve always enjoyed finding and reading quotations from deceased politicians and a very few politically deceased politicians. Some are inciteful but many are not. The current hoard of elected officials never have quotes that are even a tiny bit interesting. Realizing that has forced me to find some lesser known politicians and journalists with quotes from the past that could actually impart some information that’s worth reading. You may not recognize some of the names but the quotes will speak for themselves.

“A politician must often talk and act before he has thought and read.” Thomas Babbington (1859)

“A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation.” James F. Clark (1888)

“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Bertrand Russell (1951)

“The press conference is a politician’s way of being informative without saying anything. Should he accidently say something, he has at his side a press officer who immediately explains it away by “clarifying” it.”

Emery Kelen (1960)

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.” Groucho Marx (1977)

“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

Adlai Stevenson (1952)

These kinds of quotations were once plentiful but no longer. With newspapers losing readership there’s much less chance of any pearls of wisdom making the headlines. It’s truly a damn shame. Here’s one last and extremely old quote which remains as true today as it did in 1947.

“Politicians . . . rise predominantly from . . . the “lower middle class””; most are self-made men . . .; most depend on their political jobs for a livelihood and most have little time, inclination, of opportunity for adult education; hence the dominating qualities of so many are greed, vulgarity, attention to special interest, avarice, and selfishness.

John Gunther (1947)

07/12/2021 Summer Doldrums   Leave a comment

I haven’t been blogging for a while, just laying back and enjoying my summer. I’ve been avoiding the news and current events as much as possible because so much these days is fake or just plain BS. I see things slowly returning to normal but I remain wary. Many people think the pandemic is over but I’m not a believer just yet. I honestly have difficulty believing anyone these days. I’ve decided that I’ll continue to mask up in crowds and in buildings until more time has passed. Booster shots of the vaccine will probably be in our immediate future and I’ll wait it out with my mask firmly in place.

“HOPE FOR THE BEST AND PREPARE FOR THE WORST”

I can’t resist taking a shot at the anti-vaxers. My suggestion to them is that they be as careful as possible when spreading their propaganda. They could easily end up with a seriously sprained neck. It’s hard to make a believable point with your head shoved so far up your ass. And please don’t waste your time or mine sending me any of your bullshit emails because as I’ve stated many times in the past, I.D.C. ( I Don’t Care) about anything you have to say.

Now I’ll return to my new deck and have a serious alcoholic beverage to celebrate the day.

05/19/2021 Facebook’s Stupid #*!# Signs   Leave a comment

I’m a huge internet rat and have been for years. I’ve seen ten thousand things I like and unfortunately a hundred thousand things I hate. Facebook has been going downhill in recent years in my humble opinion. I understand their need to continually come up with things to maintain and increase their numbers but come on . . . .

This recent rash of postings with people standing around with an arm load of signs attempting to take up as much of my time as possible to deliver a message to some blindfolded idiot. The individuals standing there being blindfolded and videoed are just sooooooooooo surprised and amazed. FAKE…FAKE…FAKE

Add to that the BS drama of outing a cheating partner or spouse with dozens of stupid flash cards makes me want to scream. It’s obvious to me that the ridiculous sign gimmick is just being used to increase their face time on-line. While some of them are somewhat believable the great majority are just LAME. Add into that all of the cheesy marriage proposals and I immediately feel the need to hurl.

Just as a side note: I’m a proud veteran who served for years. I don’t mind seeing the return-home videos but it has become ridiculous. People are posting happy returns from someone who served for 6 months in a training situation. As with everything on Facebook, these fads run their course after a time and become silly.

2d Side Note: Someone should make a universal announcement to the planet that the old and very stupid gimmick of wrapping a present in an endless number of packages became overused in the 1970’s. It’s just like bell bottom pants and platform shoes. SO OVER !!!!!

I expect nothing of importance from Facebook anyway so it’s hard to disappoint me. This crap will continue to clog the internet and drive any normal person mad.

05/03/2021 Outrageous Political Strategies   Leave a comment

Nothing prompts me to write a post as much as the letter I just received from Joe “Don’t Wake Me” Biden. He was just sending out millions of copies of that letter to advise all of us stimulus check recipients of how hard he worked to make it happen. Since most of the stimulus work was begun under Trump I thought he was being just a bit disingenuous. I wasn’t particularly surprised because he IS the ultimate long term politician. Any politician worth his salt would immediately try to steal the thunder of another. It’s a standard political move and to guys like Biden it’s just reflex. He is a decades long expert.

If you’ve followed this blog at all then you should be aware that I have little or no use for any political party or politician. Actually I really love it when they spend so much of their precious time calling each other names and creating an endless supply of stupid do-nothing committees. The more gridlock we have the better. Gridlock means they aren’t passing more legislation to take money out of my pocket.

Keeping in mind what I’ve just written, I’m proposing a new and exciting political strategy that I’ll be sending to Donald Trump. Since he is so hated by the political left and the endless number of Republicans that want to be Democrats, he just might be receptive. In preparation for the next presidential campaign I’m proposing that Trump resign from the GOP and sign himself up as a viable Democratic voter. He could then spend the next four years driving the Democratic party crazy and creating as much havoc as possible. They hate him so much they would lose their minds and most of their emphasis on the election hoping to get Trump the hell out their party. While that’s going on the GOP could run Mickey Mouse for president and probably win.

In my humble opinion Trump has little or no chance to be reelected but he is a such a epic hell-raiser he could do more damage to the democrats than he was able to do as a Republican president. The effects could last for decades and I want to be around to watch the fun. The worst case scenario would be that he wins the presidency as a Democratic candidate and OMG do I want to be around for that.

09/11/2020 Face Masks, Sex, and Co-Vid   1 comment

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If your reading this then my sneaky use of buzz words in the title worked perfectly and welcome to my blog.

As I’ve stated so many time before I love people-watching. In these day of the pandemic people-watching has taken a weird turn. Let me explain a bit.

Back in the day when crowds of people were everywhere people-watching was easy. Go to a Mall, a retail store, or anywhere alcoholic beverages were served, sit down and watch. These days it’s a real chore to people-watch unless your really committed like me. After months of watching thousands of masked people going about their lives I discovered a number of things.

While I was in the hospital and doctors offices everyone was masked as you would expect. I had tests, scans, and hours of conversations with women whose faces I couldn’t see. One in particular was especially eye- catching due to her lovely figure, beautiful hair, and killer eyes. I see now why most Muslim men prefer their women wearing head coverings. So after weeks of becoming friends with her I couldn’t take it any longer and finally asked her to pull down the mask so I could see her face. I now understand what that old saying about “being careful what you ask for” really means. To me she was beautiful because of her wonderful personality not her looks.

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Mean or Nice?

During that same time period I made that same request to another young lady who I didn’t consider all that striking but who was such a nice person I really just wanted to be able to recognize her in the future if I saw her again. She dropped her mask and my jaw dropped as well. She was absolutely beautiful. I was speechless and felt a little guilty about making unjustified judgements about her.

Masks make it possible for everyone to hide. Not only can’t our faces be seen neither can most of our facial expressions. I find myself making funny faces, sticking out my tongue, and muttering curse words muffled by my mask. If I’m doing it I’ll just know everyone else is doing it as well.

Here are my conclusions:

Beautiful Women and Handsome Men can’t be recognized just for their good looks anymore and are now forced to rely on their personalities to impress people they’re dealing with.

Everyone else can now show you how beautiful they really are without worrying about their looks and using their personalities as they always have.

We should make wearing masks mandatory for everyone. Imagine political debates with all of the candidates being masked and forced to rely on facts instead of bad puns and fake smiles. A masked JFK might never have been elected if all of the women in the country weren’t going GA-GA over his looks. Who knows?

Here’s my Public Service Announcement . Just so you know I’m not wearing my mask right now so please sanitize your hands and wipe down your computer. You can’t be too careful. The media might announce tomorrow that the virus can be spread through computer use.

DUMB ASSES!!

06-01-2018 Things That Really Bore Me!   Leave a comment

In the past I’ve created lists of things I love and things I hate.  After roaming around for the last few months and people watching it occurred to me that another category needed to be documented.  Here is my list of things that have morphed from ‘Things That Annoy Me’ to ‘Things That Bore Me’.

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Drug companies and their endless advertisements to cure damn near everything. In most cases you’d need a small mortgage to pay for them but at least the side effects are free.

Organic labeling normally just pisses me off but I’ve come to realize if people are stupid enough to buy the “organic” song and dance then there’s nothing I can do. To quote one of my favorite comics, Ron White . . .  You can’t fix stupid!

Anyone named Obama or Bush. No further explanation is needed or wanted.

AARP Mailings. I refuse to belong to any organization of liberal leaning seniors that enjoys sucking up to the Dems for more government handouts. You’d think that their current government subsidies would be enough.

Any bumper sticker that insists on telling me things I could care less about. I don’t really care what your children are doing or where they’re doing it. It’s just more eye litter.

SPAM in all it’s forms.

Verizon Wireless and their need to call me ten times a week because I’m now eligible for an upgrade on my cell phone. I’ve already blocked 26 of their numbers but they continue to annoy me from every state in the country.

Hilary Clinton and her endless health problems, her endless mental problems, and of course her endless marital problem, WILD BILL.

Maxine Waters. It’s time for a rubber room and a straight jacket for this wingnut.

The Maine Stream Media in all of it’s manifestations.

George “I Want to be King of the World.” Soros.

Trump Bashing.

Trump Bashers.

Hollywood idiots voicing their opinions about what they think on every topic except their acting, singing, or dancing.

Tipping waiters and waitresses when I’m now doing most of their work. Table computers are fine if I can cut my normal tip in half. All the waitresses do these days is deliver the meal and smile pretty. I think that’s worth no more than a 3 percent tip.

Facebook and Twitter. They should really be on the list of things that annoy me but they bore me as well.

The egocentric morons who frequent most retail stores and are always in line at the register directly in front of me.  Where’s my stun gun when I need it.

Bait and Switch is one of the oldest and most misleading types of advertisement. It seems to have become much more commonplace that ever before.

Men talking to me while we’re standing at a urinal. I guess they don’t fully understand how focused I need to be while peeing. Talking is OK I guess but no peeking please.

Cell phone ringtones. Enough already . . . I don’t give a shit that you got email. Put it on vibrate moron.

Facial tattoos. It’s an instant judgement call when I see a person with them. Idiot, dumb ass, or moron, take your pick.

The new and improved Leggings fad. I admit that in many cases they just make my day but whatever you do don’t go into Walmart. You could be struck blind if you’re lucky.

Baseball caps worn backward. Any idiot that still thinks this is cool should get a free facial tattoo.

Homeless beggars. I hesitate giving money or cans to someone who is supposedly poor and unemployed while he’s wearing a better pair of Nike shoes than I have.

President Trumps continual tweeting. Just ridiculous.

Katy Perry. Sing a song, leave the stage, marry an asshole, cut off your hair, and then tell me what a political moron I must be for not supporting Hilary. God women . . . Get a frigging life.

Sex with lifelike robots. Only two terms comes to mind immediately, “Organ Grinder” and “Ex Wife”. Way too scary for me. Thanks but no thanks. Yikes!!!

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03-26-2018 My New 21st Century Addiction   2 comments

I haven’ t posted anything since the start of the year and I’m feeling a little guilty.  Having a blog is like having an ungratful child.  It’s a lot of work for which I receive virtually no gratitude.  I especially miss the less than friendly emails received from my more liberal readers.  My life has been empty without their caustic comments and endless political preaching.  I’ve relegated them to a dustly shelf in my mancave where everything that bores me is stored.

Enough of that . . .  On to other matters concerning my newest and least satisfying addiction.  I’ve known for sometime that I have an addictive personality.  As a very young man I had a tremendous taste for beer.  It got me into some trouble in my teens and I had to finally let it go. No more of that nasty brew.  Then in my twenties I turned my attention to cigarettes and the occasion toke of giggle weed.  Both of which hung on until my thirites when I saw the light and quit smoking everything.  No more happiness weed and no more cigarettes.  I got healthy, hit the gym, and finally (according to my mother) turned myself into a beautiful and productive person.

As the years rolled along I ended my addiction to marriage and lived a rather raucous and crazy few years filled with wine women and song.  Yes I’d finally discovered a taste for wine and women but no matter what I did I couldn’t carry a tune. As is usual the combination of wine and women got me into considerable trouble as well. I finally met, fell in love, and settled down with the love-of-my-life, stopped drinking wine and turned instead to brandy.

The next to go was the damn brandy. While I enjoyed the brandy drinking experience it was rather boring and I had to stop. I hate spending that kind of money on alcohol that tastes great but I get no glow.  No glow means you got to go and it did.  So currently I’ve reduced my addictions to just three.  My woman is here to stay, thats #1, and thank god for a continuous supply of Jack Daniels (thats #2).  I’ve limited myself to just two or three Jack & Pepsi’s a week (and maybe a few more if we have visitors). Things seem to be working out perfectly almost . . .

My last remaining addiction is without a doubt the worst.  I’ve rid myself of a major television addiction 2 years ago when I could no longer stand watching 10 minutes of commercials every half hour. I told Dish Network to cancel my account and signed up immediately with Netflix and Amazon for streaming service.  Unfortuneately streaming is a double-edged sword.  Being generous I estimate that both streaming services are 80% crap and only 20% of their movies are worth watching unless you want to pay a fee.  My newest and worst addiction is to this endless supply of  terrible, crappy, and ridiculous movies.

                                             SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME

I’m in dire need of some sort of 12 step program to get me away from this TV.  My greatest fear these days is that my better-half will find me alone in the dark, slumped over in my favorite chair, clutching the remote.  Dead from dehydration, boredom, and felony eye-slaughter.

 

12-14-2017 Pre-Christmas OMG’s   1 comment

It’s been a number of months since I last visited my blog and I’m not entirely sure why.  I suppose it’a mixture of laziness, apathy, and the holiday season that’s approaching.  I’ve been wanting to write but I don’t want it to be more of the same crap you’re hearing and seeing in other media. The “Trump is the devil.” nonsense is wearing really thin except for a few braindead liberals and diehard Democrats.

There’s a time and place for everything but the last thing we need is the steady media drumbeat of negativety during the holidays.  I’d much rather enjoy the season with my family than listening to an incredibly biased media laying hours and hours of propaganda and fake news on me.  Life is just too goddamn short.

We’ve had out first two snow falls for 2017 and the snowblower came through as expected. I’m going to try very hard not to do the normal fall-on-my-ass routine that seems to occur every year.  I’ll be staying in the house as much as possible, I’ll keep nice and warm, and have a drink or two to calm my nerves.  Before I know it Spring will be here once again.

So Merry Christmas to family and friends and anyone bored enough to read this blog.

I’ve also been giving some serious thought to my New Year’s resolutions for 2018.  I’ll do a quick review of 2017 just after Christmas and then post 2018’s early in January.

Stay healthy . . . Stay warm . . . Kiss the kids and grandkids . . . Hug your pets.

 

 

 

 

 

08-06-2017 Syndromes!   Leave a comment

Image result for syndrome text images

I think I’ve become a victim of RAS Syndrome. As you well know there seem to be hundreds of magical syndromes that are announced on a regular basis to help excuse what some might call “shitty behavior”. While there are many real syndromes out there some alleged experts create as many questionable or fictitious  syndromes as the imagination will allow. It’s those acronyms and syndromes  that are driving me mad. Searching the Net I’ve found hundreds and hundreds of these acronyms for just about anything you can think of.  Here’s one of mine:

RAS Syndrome (short for “redundant acronym syndrome syndrome”) refers to the use of one or more of the words that make up an acronym in conjunction with the abbreviated form, thus in effect repeating one or more words.

How about a few examples?

If you fart in church then you must be suffering from the infamous NFIPP Syndrome. That’s “Nasty Farts In Public Places”. It’s really not your fault that you farted, it’s the fault of the Church for pressuring you into attending services after one of their famous bean dinners.

Another of my favorites is the BBABO. That’s the “Bad Breath And Body Odor Syndrome”.  No matter where I go or where I sit a person suffering with this disorder manages to be right next to me.  That in turn gives me a case of VIMT. That’s “Vomit In My Throat Syndrome”‘, for those of you who are unaware that you may suffer from that same disorder.

I’ve also  noticed another major syndrome as I walked through our local Wal-Mart recently. It’s one of the most common ones I see these days. It’s confusing, disgusting, and at times revolting and it’s called the YODOAFM Syndrome. “You Obviously Don’t Own A F–King Mirror Syndrome”.  Many Wal-Mart customers have been infected over the years and now it’s threatening to become a pandemic.

I’ve suffered from a another syndrome since early childhood.  At times it’s been a good thing but occasionally it’s anything but. It’s the IDGASWYT Syndrome. That’s the “I Don’t Give A Shit What You Think Syndrome”. It’s something genetic I inherited from my father, his father, and his father.

The one that has shown up recently to cause all of us problems is the IHTBIAWC Syndrome. That’s “I Hate Trump Because I’m A Whinny Crybaby Syndrome” It’s been running rampant through the country since Election Day but only seems to be infecting Liberals, Democrats, and a few million illegal aliens.

I have another one for all of  them.  It’s the KMIA Syndrome (Kiss My Independent Ass).

 

 

 

 

 

07-19-2017 Presidential Thoughts and Other C.R.A.P   2 comments

Now that Mr. Trump has been elected it’s been a real treat watching the Liberals and Mainstream Media losing their minds.  The truth about media bias is no longer the big secret it once was except for those of us who have been paying attention for years. I thought after a few months of this nonsense it would gradually ease up but it hasn’t. They continue to chew on that dried up old bone until their brains explode. I’m a patient guy who will gladly wait around to watch their continuous escapades to strike out at Mr. Trump with little or no success.

This next item was sent to me by a friend. The first line is a the Medias lame attempt to belittle the President as being nothing more than a former reality television star.  The fact that he is also a billionaire real estate developer is never mentioned.

Senator (To Be) Caitlyn Jenner

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Caitlyn Jenner has joined the list of celebrities who are considering running for political office in the United States following the election of former reality television star Donald Trump as president. 

The remainder of the article concerned a short list of celebrities just dying to enter the political arena to teach the rest of us mouth-breathers just how things are supposed to be done.  I say let them try.  If we can have Obama for eight years and survive, we can live with Senator Caitlyn Bruce Jenner,  Senator Kid Rock, or God forbid, President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Just more humorous shit to enjoy as the country slowly slides towards some sort of Third-World status. Maybe we could start a new type of NATO organization to help keep us safe from our enemies. It could be called CRAP, the Cluster of Real Arab Pals.  We could take a firm stand against Europe, China, and Russia with our new allies  Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Syria, and Saudi Arabia. We could sit around the meeting table and try desperately to convince each other what a bunch of bad asses we once were and how we will eventually rule the world.  It’s much too depressing to contemplate.

I’m trying my hardest to not get into a rant about all of this but it isn’t easy. Let me calm down some and pass along a humorous joke sent my way recently from a friend in Kansas City.  Here it is:

I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?” The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

“THIS POSTING HAS BEEN APPROVED BY C.R.A.P.