Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

12/03/2022 “Christmas Craziness”   Leave a comment

Thank heaven this isn’t my house.

I thought I would continue my Christmas craziness today with a description of my better-half’s last two weeks of Christmas preparation. I’m not a huge Christmas person but my better half is the poster girl for Christmas insanity. It all started approximately two and a half weeks ago when she began unloading the attic with a never-ending pile of boxes containing thirty years of Christmas paraphernalia. It’s not that she wanted to use all of that stuff to decorate the house but the more she looks through those boxes the more decorations magically begin to appear everywhere. I may lose my every so merry mind. There are wreaths on the front door, garage doors, across the deck which is also strung with yards and yards of tinsel and lights. I think I now have one of the largest collections of extension cords in this part of Maine. I’m so proud!

I need a short break from all this holiday cheer. Try to answer these five Christmas movie trivia questions. Are you a serious elf or just a poser? I’ll list the answers at the end.

In “A Christmas Story”, who gifts Ralphie a pink bunny onesie for Christmas?

In “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, what is the name of the Grinch’s dog?

In “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, how many lights are on the Griswold house?

In “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, what does Jack Skellington call Santa?

What is the highest-grossing Christmas movie of all time?

This is what my elf wants our house to eventually look like.

Let me say again that of this morning fully fifty percent of every surface in the house has something Christmassy on it. All the windows are decorated, small statuettes of every Christmas figure you could possibly think of are sitting on every piece of furniture within my field of vision. Help! I’m being held prisoner in Santas southern vacation home, and I can’t escape. There’s only one elf living here, and she is out-of-control. I’m reasonably sure if I stood still for more than five minutes, I’d have yards of tinsel hanging from my body with an appropriate number of silly little ornaments and bells attached. If I stood still for a full ten minutes, I guarantee she’d find a way to have flashing lights wrapped around me and twinkling “Oh So Merrily”. My only refuge from the Christmas madness is my man-cave. She has yet to visit there and I’m guarding the door to keep her out. Three more weeks of this and I’ll probably make the nightly news. I’ll be the guy dressed like Santa Clause threating to jump off the nearest bridge in Portland, Maine, “Film at Eleven!” Oh yeah . . . here are your trivia answers. How did you do?

Answers: Aunt Clara, Max, 25,000, Sandy Claws, Home Alone

HO! HO! HO! THREE WEEKS TO GO

12/02/2022 “Christmas Brainwashing”   Leave a comment

I’m not sure how everyone else was raised to celebrate Christmas but for me it entailed much more religion than anything else. My late Mother was Catholic through-and-through which translated into sending religious Christmas cards, attending midnight masses, and donating time to local organizations involved with decorating town areas. Being a kid, I was unceremoniously volunteered to help with almost everything she did whether I liked it or not.

As we age things tend to change a little and my approach to Christmas certainly did.  I was never all that interested in the religious portion of Christmas, but I went begrudgingly along just to please my mom until I reached the ripe old age of 13. Then I became what some people might call, difficult.  I must have been way ahead of my time if what I’ve learned in recent years is any indication.

A few years ago, my three-year-old grandson came to make his annual Christmas visit. It was the first time he’d actually seen our decorated tree and all the trimmings. We’d been very busy wrapping gifts and there was a pile of them under the tree. I was sitting on the floor next to him when he quietly whispered to me “Are those our prizes?” I told him they were presents for everyone brought here a little early by a busy Santa. He gave me a long sideways glance while he thought about what I’d said. He must have decided Santa was still a real possibility, so the conversation turned right back around to the presents under the tree. I was again corrected by the little guy with “Grandpa those are prizes not presents” and “can we open just one.” I told him they couldn’t be opened until Christmas day but he insisted one of them had to be for him so we should open that one right now. Being chastised by a three-year-old takes some getting used to but I persevered and again refused his request.

Gifts and Presents are Really Prizes

My first thought was who put the word “prize” into his head. Neither my better-half nor I would do it and I’m certain his parents wouldn’t do it either. That leaves just his friends at the daycare center that he attends almost every day. That small herd of little people who have nothing better to do all day than to play, fight, wrestle, nap, and tell each other the facts of life as translated from what they’ve heard at home. Somewhere along the way someone slipped in the word “prizes”, and it seems to have stuck.

There was no mention of Jesus, his birthday, the Magi, church or religion. It’s taken less than two generations to wean the kids from religion at Christmas to a more secular and materialistic outlook. I suppose in another few years we’ll be calling Christmas “Prize Day”.  If you’re a good little boy/girl, you win a prize but if you’re a bad little girl/boy you’ll get one anyway. We wouldn’t want you to feel like a loser.

Having Christmas as a religious holiday gave me a fun and interesting childhood. It’s sad to see society steal away some of the youngster’s fantasies at such a young age. I’m not religious now but the memories I have of my family when I was young still make me happy. Christmas is a holiday for the little children and not so much for the adults. It took me a number of years before I made the decision for myself that Christmas wasn’t for me. Let’s let the tots have their fun, they’ll be plenty of time in the future for society to screw with their heads.

MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDS

11/30/2022 “Football Geniuses”   1 comment

These last few weeks I’ve been inundated with football facts, game reviews and a general feeling of unease. That means that I’ve got no dog in the Super Bowl hunt this year. Without a team to support I find almost everything else a little boring. I’m not by any stretch of the imagination an avid sports fan and now I remember why. I’ve always been bored watching games but listening to the hundreds of so-called experts’ blather on and on makes me nauseous. I’ve dug down deep into my trivia files and have found a few interesting quotes from some of our gallant football gladiators. Here they are . . .

  • “If you can’t make the putts and can’t get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you’re not going to win enough football games in this league, and that’s the problem we had today.” Sam Rutigliano – Cleveland Browns coach
  • “He fakes a bluff.” Ron Fairly – New York Giants commentator
  • “I don’t care what the tape says. I didn’t say it.” Ray Malavasi – St. Louis Rams coach
  • “I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” Terry Bradshaw, player/announcer
  • “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager
  • “I want to rush for 1000 or 1500 yards, whichever comes first.” George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
  • “He (his coach) treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver

RAH! RAH! RAH!

11/29/2022 A Korean Christmas Story   Leave a comment

With Thanksgiving over and Christmas rushing towards us I’ve decided to do something I normally wouldn’t consider. I’m reposting a Christmas story from 2015. It meant a lot to me then and all these years later, it still means a lot. I’m not much of a Christmas person but this story is about the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Just reading it again brings back all of those Christmas feelings I’d hope for on this holiday. I’ll kick off the 2022 Christmas season with this . . .

🌲🌲🌲

I’ve talked a great deal over the years about my experiences while serving in the Army. As with any young man or woman serving outside of this country, being away from home and family during the Christmas season for the first time is difficult.  In my case I was not only away from family, I was in a non-Christian county that seemed to be more than a little primitive to me.

Their religion was primarily Buddhist and the Christmas holiday meant very little to them. They at times pretended to understand but that was motivated entirely by their desire to make money from visiting Americans.

At the time I was stationed in an area that was primarily populated by rice farmers living in small villages that dotted the northern countryside. There were no paved roads and most villages only had electric power for a few hours a day.  For those of us from the United States it was like traveling back in time a hundred years.

I was living almost full time in a local village and actually had my laundry taken to a local river where it was beaten on the rocks with wooden paddles and soap.  That certainly took some getting used to for me.  My Korean friends seemed totally befuddled by the entire Christmas holiday bro-ha-ha and sat silently as I tried to explain it to them. They were interested in my stories of Christ and the Magi, but the virgin birth story had them all silently giggling a little.

Regardless I was determined to have a Christmas celebration, so I asked a few of them for their help in putting up a Christmas tree.  They agreed to help but weren’t exactly sure what I was up to. As that project was progressing, I had a little old mama-san ask me through an interpreter why would any sane person put a tree inside their home. I was hard pressed to answer her because I didn’t know the reason either. They continued to humor me as I explained other peculiarities that they couldn’t quite grasp.

A week or so later with two Korean friends I hiked up a nearby mountain near a small Buddhist temple to find a tree. We ended up dragging back the sorriest looking bush you could ever imagine, set it up in my hooch, and started to decorate it as best we could. There was a hand-made star on top of the tree (my doing) and a number of pieces of charcoal tied to the branches with twine (their doing). I never had that fully explained to me, but it was what they wanted to do. It had something to do with good luck or good pregnancy or something. Since we had no electricity, they suggested placing candles in and around the tree, but I nixed that immediately. The last thing we needed was to burn down my hooch and a portion of the village when a little, dry, and nasty looking tree burst into flames.

I had some GI decorations I made from C-rations that looked stupid as hell but they loved it. Later we ate most of the decorations and drank a bottle of really cheap brandy that I’d brought along for the occasion. I presented them each with a small gift of candy and got a little kiss on the cheek from everyone.

I was still a little homesick but that weird little celebration came to mean a lot to me over the years. It was cozy, friendly, and more than a little strange but it was also genuine. They forever became part of my extended family because they’d made an effort to help get me through a very difficult time. Christmas, the holiday, had very little meaning to them but they realized how important it was to me. 

I still wonder to this day if any of them have fond memories of that night and think about it occasionally. I also hope that all of my comrades-in-arms who are away from home this Christmas are lucky enough to find some friends like I did.

Please keep all of our service men and women in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas season. The sacrifice they are making is truly appreciated by those of us who’ve gone before.

🎄🎄🎄

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR

11/28/2022 💥”Virginity Limerick Alert”💥   2 comments

I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”

🥰🥰🥰

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said “If you must know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.

🫤🫤🫤

A religious young lassie named Claire

Was having her first love affair.

As she climbed into bed

She reverently said,

“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”

😎😎😎

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone pike,

But it really was broken from pokin’.

🍆🍩🍆

NUFF SAID

11/27/2022 “Number Freaking”   Leave a comment

To quote an expert, Gary Rimmer,Number freaking is the art of putting numbers where none existed before. It is an off-the-wall peek at how numbers rule our lives. Number freaking reveals the low drama, unexpected realities, unforeseen truths and even comic connections that emerge when numbers are tested to destruction . . . ” So let’s get started with a few examples.

  • If you would spend 80 minutes a night staying with your child, watching them fall asleep, for 7 1/2 years, your total number of hours would total approximately 3652.50.
  • It would take Bill Gates earning $55.05 a second – approximately 26 seconds to earn an average Americans weekly wage.
  • If your girlfriend weighed 152 pounds, in New York prices she would be worth $896,200 in gold.
  • On Tuesday, August 31, 2004, at 1 a.m. EDT, the United States was exactly 2,000,000 hours old.
  • Globally, life expectancy at birth, for men is 65 years. If we assume they start thinking about sex at puberty, that means they’ll think about sex approximately every 6 seconds for 52 years. If this is true, a man in his lifetime will think about sex 2.73 million times.

  • A pious Muslim is supposed to sport a beard at least the width of the fist. Assuming a man’s fist is at least 3 1/2 inches wide, it would take 233 days to grow a Sharia-compliant beard.
  • If a man spends an average of 5 minutes a day shaving, it computes to 1735 hours or 72.3 days in his lifetime.
  • According to Oxfam, 1000 people die each hour from hunger-most of them before their fifth birthday. 1200 children under the age of five die each year from preventable disease. In addition, a child dies every 15 seconds from lack of water and sanitation. The total number of deaths worldwide therefore every hour, from preventable disease, hunger and poor sanitation is 2,440. If 2,440 people were to die every hour, in a year there would be 21,389,000 dead from preventable disease, hunger and poor sanitation.
  • The average smoker in America smokes 13 cigarettes a day. One of the maxims of the antismoking lobby is that every cigarette smoked knocks 11 minutes. off their life. So, the average American smoker will lose 36 days, 6 hours, 30 minutes, and 45 seconds for every year of smoking.

How’s that for some off-the-wall statistics. As with most statistics, the numbers are approximations, but it doesn’t change the fact that the basic underlying rule is true. How sad is that? Maybe next time I’ll rant on the unscrupulous way in which our politicians use statistics to convince us of whatever they want.

ENJOY YOUR DAY OF REST

11/25/2022 “Post Thanksgiving”   3 comments

How are you feeling today? It’s early in the morning on the day after Thanksgiving and I may not have to eat for another few days. Some people say that gluttony is a sin and believe me I was doing some serious sinning yesterday. It was a fabulous meal and for the first time in my life I celebrated Thanksgiving with just one person, my better half. Two hungry foodies sharing a thirteen-pound turkey and 4 or 5 side dishes. It’s morning and I feel like Jabba the Hut. With that descriptive thought in your head how about I load you up with a gaggle of food trivia items and tips to make you feel a little like I do.

  • Tip #1: Here’s a tip for you to always remember when preparing Thanksgiving dinner. Never, I repeat never pick up a hot dish fresh out the oven without some hand protection. As with anything protection (and I do mean everything) is mandatory. I slightly burned my fingers and dropped a dish full of yummy sweet potatoes into the sink along with the dirty dishes. Never fear I ate them anyway.
  • Tip #2: Never ever attempt to share a kitchen with a loved one in the throes of “chefdom”. Make no direct eye contact, keep low, and keep moving, and offer no advice about anything. It’s hard for them to hit a moving target.
  • The most popular Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor is Cherry Garcia. Unfortunately, I was stuck with half a quart of Cookies & Cream and killed it.
  • Tip #3: If by chance you been ordered by a doctor to use only a prescribed salt substitute on your food. Send them an emergency text with the message “KMA”. Hopefully they’ll get the message and understand it. Pass me the real salt.

  • Tip #4: When attempting to make a delicious gravy never overuse the corn starch. Within 15 minutes of serving the meal my delicious gravy began to clot. It was not a pretty sight but again I ate it anyway.
  • A medium-sized potato provides 45% of the recommended daily value of vitamin C for an adult. I should be good for at least five more days.
  • The first cooking school was started by Julia Carson in New York City in 1876. There have been many hundreds of cooking schools since then and unfortunately, I never attended any of them. I give a whole new meaning to the terms, “ad-libbing” and “just a pinch or two” when referring to my cooking skills.
  • Tip #5: Always have a fully stocked first-aid kit within reach while cooking. A standard first-aid kit seriously lacks any medicines to properly treat serious burns. Also, if you are a person with large hands pick up a box or two of the extra-large absorbent bandages to sop up any emergency blood loss.

I certainly hope your Thanksgiving was as good as mine was barring any unforeseen catastrophes or injuries. I’ll be sure next year to be fully stocked with emergency supplies and a half gallon of really good ice cream.

TWENTY-NINE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

11/23/2022 “Misconceptions”   Leave a comment

Misconceptions are a common occurrence. We all have them, and most times don’t even realize it. We repeat things we’re told as a child based on the misconceptions of our parents who based it on the misconceptions from their parents and on and on it goes. How many times have your young children arrived home from school with some fantastic fact told to them by others. It’s amazing how young children just know so much about everything (rightly or wrongly) and feel the need to spread their knowledge. Let’s take a look at a few.

  • The Pilgrims did not build log cabins, nor did they wear black hats with a conical crown or belts with huge silver buckles.
  • Albert Einstein, who was awarded the Nobel Prize for physics in 1921, was honored not for his famous theory of relativity published 16 years earlier, but for his lesser-known work on the photoelectric effect.
  • Until the time of Galileo, an argument used with potent effect was that if the earth moved, and if it indeed rotated on its axis, the birds would be blown away, clouds would be left behind, and buildings would tumble.
  • Samuel F.B. Morse did not really invent the telegraph. He managed to get all the necessary information for the invention from the American physicist Joseph Henry, and later denied that Henry had helped him. Henry later sued and proved his case in a court of law. It is true that Morse did invent Morse Code.
  • Charles Darwin rarely used the term “evolution”. It was popularized by the English sociologist Herbert Spencer, who also popularized the phrase “survival of the fittest”.

  • Because of the story in Genesis that Eve had been created out of Adam’s rib, it was widely believed during the Middle Ages that men had one rib fewer than women.
  • To protect woolen clothing from moths, people for generations have stored them in cedar chests or have built closets lined with cedar. There is no evidence whatsoever that a cedar chest or closet repels moths.
  • Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norkay deservedly received much praise when they were the first to climb to the summit of Mount Everest. Less known is the fact that they had a roster of 12 other climbers, 40 Sherpa guides, and 700 porters to help them along the way.
  • Everyone in the Middle Ages believed as did Aristotle that the heart was the seat of intelligence.
  • According to legend, it was the cowboy and the six-gun that won the West. Actually, it was the steel plow, barbed wire fencing, and the portable windmill that made it possible for pioneers to settle there.

These above facts just prove my point. Misconceptions go back to the beginning of the human race and will continue to be perpetuated for as long as there’s at least four people left alive. One to tell the initial story, the second to repeat the story, the third to believe the story and then tell it to the fourth.

EASY PEASY!

11/22/2022 “Mistletoe”   Leave a comment

I’m not known for being a huge Christmas fan but when the season hits, I try to get with the program. My way is more subtle than most but at least I’m trying. Since damn near every retailer has already decorated for Christmas, I decided to make my first contribution to Christmas 2022. How about some interesting facts and lore about mistletoe.

  • Mistletoe is known as the kissing plant. Just so you know, it’s only a kissing plant if you can figure out a way to get someone to stand under it. The way things are these days, the wrong approach will get you slapped with a sexual-harassment complaint. You’re better off waiting for the right woman (that would be any woman) to ask you to step under the mistletoe. Then it’s all good.
  • In the lore of mistletoe all you hear are good things. Good luck, good health, and lasting friendships are just some of the benefits.
  • If you’re a single person you can use mistletoe for another more useful purpose. Draw a circle in front of a fire. Take two leaves of mistletoe giving one in your name and placing it in the circle. Name the other with your lover’s name and place it outside the circle. If your lover is to marry you, the lover’s leaf will jump inside the circle next to your leaf. Jumping leaves… Sounds a little crazy to me.
  • Some information received from a gaggle of old wives reveals that mistletoe can ward off sicknesses. For that to work the mistletoe must be cut from an oak tree with the golden hook and never allowed to touch the earth. Disasters are sure to be in your future if you let that tiny little leaf hit the ground.

  • Mistletoe was known to be gathered for some Celtic winter solstice festivals. Druids removed the mistletoe from the oak tree with the well-known golden hook and used it as a charm against the many and various evil spirits. It was also supposed to encourage fertility which is always a real plus. Right girls?
  • Austrian folklore believes that if you lay mistletoe at your bedroom door, you’ll have a sweet sleep and a beautiful dream. Match that up with encouraging fertility and you got yourself a party.
  • For all you ranchers out there, mistletoe was also known to be effective with cattle. If you give a bough of mistletoe to a cow that’s calved after New Year’s Day, you’ll prevent bad luck from attacking your entire herd. Oh yeah just so you know, “No Kissing!”
  • If by chance you strike out for the forest in November and December looking for mistletoe and can’t find any, run and hide, disaster is sure to follow. Only fresh mistletoe will retain its magical charms. Anything older than a year has passed its “Use By” date.

There you have it. Everything you always wanted to know about mistletoe but were afraid to ask. So, get off that comfortable couch, put on some warm clothing, get your ass out into the woods before all the good mistletoe is gone. You never know when a band of wandering Druids may sneak in and take all the good stuff.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

And a special thanks to Linda Spencer

11/21/2022 💥💥Limericks for Kids💥💥   Leave a comment

It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.

A little boy down in Natchez

Sat upon powder and matchez.

For the seat of war

He hankers no more,

Though re-enforced well with patchez.

😮😮😮

By Hugh Lofting

Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket

Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.

He has more understanding

Since reaching the landing,

Just look at the hole where he struck it.

😏😏😏

By Oliver Hereford

A puppy whose hair was so flowing

There really was no means of knowing

Which end was his head,

Once stopped me and said,

“Please, sir, am I coming or going.

🙃🙃🙃

A certain young fellow named Beebee

Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.

“But,” said he, “I must see

What the clerical fee

Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”

🙄🙄🙄

HAPPY MONDAY

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