Lest I forget, there’s ten shopping days left until Christmas.  I’m sorry but I need a break from all this depressing holiday cheer and greed.  Today is the day when we start the really important  countdown.  It’s seven days until the Mayan seers decided that the world as we know it will end.  Can you hear those thunderous foot steps creeping up behind you?  I wasn’t taking the threat of total annihilation serious until last night when alleged celebrity, Joel McHale, announced that “The Soup” would be airing their Doomsday special next week.  I mean if that doesn’t convince you then all hope for you is lost anyway.  I think it’s really all about stealing the thunder from the History channel who has been beating this Doomsday drum for a year to increase their ratings.

I can picture it all now.  Hundreds of alien ships shaped vaguely like enormous dildo’s will arrive over the earths cities on December 21.  Out of these craft will march armies of aliens who look surprisingly like a mean and disgusting caricature of Danny Devito.  Years ago I was reading a book on the Mayan religion and it struck me at the time how much the god “Cizin, "The Stinking One", looked like Devito. He was the god of earthquakes, suicides, human sacrifice, and  was often depicted on pottery in the form of a dancing skeleton, holding a smoking cigarette.

So let me review our dire situation:

1. A few thousand Mayan primitives predict the end of days on December 21, 2012.  They immediately run out and have a smoke and then sacrifice a few thousand of their citizens to celebrate their predictions.

2. Centuries later two American cable TV networks begin promoting this cataclysm for better ratings, then sneak outside for a smoke.

3. Then a few major TV networks begin discussing “The End” in a somewhat serious manner, then sneak into the restrooms for a cigarette.

4. Then millions of idiots around the globe take up the chant, Doom. . . Doom . . . Doom . . . Doom.  You know, it’s only a matter of time before some of these loonies begin removing themselves the planet just after having one last smoke.

Is it just me or have we all missed the connection tying all of these events together.  Cizin, the cigarette smoking god, has passed that filthy habit down through the ages with the eventual intent to end our existence once he’s returned and saved all of the surviving smokers from death and destruction.

The “non-smoking” interest groups had it partially right all along.  Smoking would be the death of us all.  First-hand smoke, second-hand smoke, tars, nicotine and a few million Danny Devito’s . . . Oh the horror!

I’m desperately trying to make light of this Doomsday crap which continues to be repeated and actually scares the bejesus out of some of the population.  Young kids are especially effected by anything they see on TV as being the absolute truth.  They need someone to tell them this is bullshit.  And you’re very welcome. You also have way too many fringe-group holy-rollers out there who can’t wait for the end to come and I hope it does for them.  I don’t like fanatics of any kind because extremists scare the crap out of me and history will back me up on that.  Here are my helpful tips for December 21, 2012.

1. Stop smoking!

2. Stop listening to the the media in an attempt to find the truth.

3. Read more about the primitive, human sacrificing idiot Mayans, to learn the truth about them.  They were so smart they couldn’t find a way to survive as a civilization.  They were effing geniuses, right?

One last thing before I go. I have a extremely hard time taking seriously any organized religion but any religion that has one of their gods puffing on a cigarette has no credibility.  I’ve got to go now, I’m making reservations for dinner and a night out on December 22 with my better-half.  It’s the “I Survived Another Apocalypse” celebration and there could be free T-shirts too!