I recently began rereading Isaac Azimov’s “The Foundation Series“. I’ve read it at least four or five times over the years which probably makes me a crazy rabid Azimov fan. Since I’ve lately reintroduced him to my brain, todays post will include a few of his limericks. While he was a prolific writer of books, he was also a lover of all things limerick. In company with a friend and fellow writer, John Ciardi, they’ve written hundreds of limericks both funny and many times a little bawdy. Here are a few to make you smile.
I’ve been a lover of books since a very early age. The term bibliophile meant nothing to me back then. The first real book I ever read cover-to-cover occurred in 1952 at the ripe old age of 7. I was walking from the school bus a mile and a half to my home. Along the way I passed a neighbors house and noticed a number of large cardboard boxes filled with all sorts of things which had been placed there for a trash pickup the next morning. I noticed an old worn book sticking out of one of those boxes, pulled it out, and it was titled 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne. I read a few lines from page one and was hooked. The book went into my bag and I couldn’t put it down and finished reading it in just two days. That book changed my life because I was forced to read it with a dictionary in one hand and the book in the other. There were so many words I’d never seen or heard before and it made the entire process a major learning experience not just for reading but also how to properly use a dictionary. The one unpronounceable word that has stuck with me ever since was rendezvous. For quite some time I pronounced it as “ren-dez-e-vos” and not “ron-de-voo“. Many thanks to my mom for explaining that to me and even now when I hear or see that word it takes me right back to 1952 once again.
Todays post contains the titles of ten obscure books published in the far past concerning everyone’s favorite topic: SEX. They are hilarious and can only be truly appreciated by a dedicated bibliophile. Are you one? Do you want to become one? I highly recommend it.
Is Pleasure Worth the Penalty – Henry Butter 1866
The Girdle of Chastity – Eric John Dingwall 1931
Training of the Young in Laws of Sex – Hon. Edward Lyttelton 1900
In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
How to Pickup Girls on a Public Beaches – Raleigh Leo Stanley 1982
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Bullying and Sexual Harassment: A Practical Study – Tina Stephens and Jane Hallas 2006
Happy Though Married – Sophia Gertrude Wurtz 1922
A Kiss for a Blow – Henry Clark Wright 1920
Heroic Virgins – Alfonso P. Santos 1977
History of the Girls’ Friendly Society – Agnes L. Money 1897
BONUS – My Fav
Wed to a Lunatic – A wild weird yarn of love and some other things delivered in the form of hash for the benefit of tired readers – Frank Warren Hastings 1896
I decided that todays post would address a few things that are important to me now that I’m within shouting distance of being eighty years old. As anyone that reads this blog knows, I’m all about maintaining a really good sense of humor about almost everything. Nothing is funnier for me then one-liners. They convey a lot of laughs and good will with a very small investment of words. Being an old fart like me means often thinking about death as well as just being too damn old. Here are a few one-liners that cheer me up and I hope they do the same for you. Enjoy!
GROWING OLD
I’m so old that when I go to a cafe’ order a three-minute boiled egg, they want the money up front.
I was always taught to respect my elders but I’ve reached the age when I don’t have anyone left to respect.
The only reason I’ve taken up jogging is so I can hear heavy breathing again.
DEATH
My grief counselor has just died. He was so damn good, I don’t give a shit.
I want to die peaceably in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Death is Nature’s way of saying “Slow down”.
HAPPINESS
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
Happiness is sunshine, a good meal, and a good or a bad woman. It depends how much happiness you can handle.
Ecstasy is happiness with its clothes off.
Some people light up a room when they enter it. Other people do so when they leave. (YOU KNOW WHO YOUR ARE)
It amazes me that anyone who spends time telling dirty jokes to friends, family, or acquaintances, thinks their jokes are the most hilarious of all time. Some folks have the ability to remember dozens of dirty jokes which helps them to become the life of the party. That’s not me. I’ve heard many hundreds of jokes over the years and some were truly side-splittingly funny. I may repeat a joke a few times but even the really funny ones slowly fade from my memory and unless I write them down, they’re just gone. Now to my point. I have in my hot little hand a book published in 1976. It’s titled “The Worlds Best Dirty Jokes” and the book was compiled by the unidentified “Mr. J”. Why he thought his collection was the worlds best dirty jokes I will never understand. I offer up two of those jokes from that book for your enjoyment. I’ll bet anything that you’ll think your jokes are funnier than these.
The famous Greek ship owner Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece. He said to the architect, “Don’t disturb that tree over there because directly under that tree is where I had my first sexual experience.” “How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle,” the architect said, Right under that tree.” “Yes,” continued Ori, “And don’t touch that tree over there either. Because that’s where her mother stood watching while I was having my first sex.” “Her mother just stood there while you were screwing her daughter?” the architect asked. “Yes”, said Mr. Oristotle. “But Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?” “She said, BAAAA”
I hope you didn’t hurt yourself with all of the hilarious side-spitting laughter from that jewel.
*NEXT*
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Lee and Larry were a pair of winos. They woke up with the shakes one afternoon to find they only had $.40 between them. Lee began to climb the walls, but Larry said calmly, ” Look, old man, give me the forty cents and I’ll show you how we can drink free all day.” So they went into a diner, and Lee bought a hotdog, which he stuck in Larry’s fly. Next, they went into a nearby bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for payment, Lee got down on the floor and started sucking on Larry’s hotdog which they had placed in his pants. The bartender screamed, “You goddamn perverts, get the hell out of here.” They repeated the scenario in more than a dozen bars and finally, Lee complained, “Listen Larry, it was a great scheme but my knees are getting sore from hitting the floor so much.” Larry shook his head, “You should complain,” he said. “We lost the damn hotdog after the second bar.
I began my morning by reading a number of limericks. For me that’s the only proper way to start a day. I rooted through my book shelves and found what were the remains of a very small book of limericks published in 1980. It is a very small and was packed into the hardcovers with a rubber band. It fell to pieces as I began reading it. The book is titled Dirty Little Limericks and here is the first sentence in the forward which tells you all you need to know, “A good friend of mine – a practicing therapist – has advanced the thesis that the greatest contributions to human health and sanity in the last two hundred years is neither penicillin nor indoor plumbing, but rather the limerick.” I couldn’t agree more. Here are four for your enjoyment.
There are times that I really miss the old style Playboy magazines. They helped answer many questions that all young boys had about females. Everyone jokes about reading the magazines just for the articles but that was always a huge bit of sarcasm. Was the content misogynistic, probably, but the young lads paging through those articles just wanted to see and read about those gorgeous women willing to share their most intimate secrets and secret areas to them while they furiously and quietly masturbated. I have to admit I participated myself on occasion. It all depended on whether I could find my fathers stash of Playboys he thought were so well hidden. He actually hid them from my mother because we were all afraid of her. Todays post will list five items from some of those beautiful Playmates on “Turn-Ons & Turn-Offs” from the 1970’s, 1980,s, and 1990’s. No names will be mentioned but I know it’s possible you’ll remember a few of the those forgotten beauties that aided in your teenage sex education.
I seem to be overflowing with accumulated trivia information these days and as I get it I’ll pass it along to you. Todays topics for review are all pop-culture related facts.
The famous quote “play it again Sam”, was never actually uttered in the movie Casablanca.
Though they look alike, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are fraternal twins, not identical.
John Lennon signed the paperwork formalizing the breakup of the Beatles while staying at a Disney World hotel.
Woody in Toy Story has a last name. It was revealed in 2009 as “Pride”.
In the movie Home Alone, the picture of Buzz’s girlfriend that Kevin finds is actually a boy in a wig.
During his performances of James Bond, Sean Connery always wore a wig.
The injuries on Luke Skywalkers face when he was attacked by the snow monster in The Empire Strikes Back were real.
Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t draw the sketch of Kate Winslet in Titanic . . . but director James Cameron did.
DC Comics boasts a superhero named Arms-Fall-Off-Boy.
2006’s Bond movie Casino Royale was the first Bond movie that could be watched in China.
BONUS FACT
(On everyone’s favorite character)
In the Star Wars Trilogy, George Lucas’s original full name for
I’m having a day of total confusion. The sun is shining brightly but the temperature remains in the forties. I desperately want to begin using the deck to relax and read a book but it’s hard when you’re wearing gloves and two layers of clothing. Now I’m back at the computer and deciding which limericks I’ll be using. There’s no theme to these limericks just five that tickled my fancy and I hope they do the same for you.
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There once was a son-of-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And screw to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-bitch.
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There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn,
Though he diddled his best,
And screwed her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
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There was a young man man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
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There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question’s not woody but could he?
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And here’s a favorite for those avid readers out there.
As a youngster I was easily impressed by just about everything. Being that impressionable had it’s pitfalls and Mae West was one of my first. She won me over with her outrageous sense of humor, her “I don’t give a shit” attitude, and that buxom body. I loved watching her short but outrageous appearances on TV and her movies with W.C. Fields were next level hysterical. She was also a well known comedian, singer, screenwriter, and playwright. She remained bawdy and outrageous well into her late eighties as she strutted her stuff and was always accompanied by two large muscular young men. She passed away on November 27, 1980 and the world lost a unique and exciting woman. Todays post is a short collection of some of her most colorful quotes and a few photos. I still miss the old girl.
“It’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the the life in your men.”
“It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
“When I’m good, I’m very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.”
“Good sex is like good bridge,. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”
“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
Many years ago I came upon a book of poetry titled MIRACLES compiled in 1966 containing poems from English speaking children from around the world. Any time I’m feeling down or depressed I return to the poetry in that book. The name of the authors and their age will be listed at the time the poetry was collected. With luck the authors are now in their forties and fifties and I hope they’ve continued with their poetry writing. They’ll never know how much pleasure they’ve given me over the years. I hope you enjoy them as well.
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