Archive for June 2022

06/29/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

I’m still contemplating whether to post those extremely lewd limericks I’ve been talking about for weeks. At some point I’ll be forced into a decision but not just yet. How about a few that aren’t quite as disturbing. Here are a few prizewinners about virgins.

There was a young virgin named Alice

Who thought of her puss as a chalice.

One night, sleeping nude,

She awoke feeling lewd,

And found in her chalice a phallus.

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said, “If you want to know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.”

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

A girl named Alice, in Dallas,

Had never felt of the phallus.

She remained virgo intacto,

Because, ipso facto,

No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜

That should keep you limerick lovers calm for a while until I make my final decision. I’ll probably have to come up with some kind of a warning paragraph with flashing lights to ensure no children read the wrong limericks. I’m still working on that and trying to keep my better-half from kicking my ass. She’s a bit of a prude.

THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO START YOUR DAY

06/28/2022 “Number Freaking Again”   Leave a comment

I thought for this post I would reintroduce Number Freaking. If you like statistics and far out and freaky explanations of numbers, this is it. I posted about it a number of months ago and the response was excellent. It just goes to show how many freaky people are hanging around out there reading this blog. Enjoy!

WEATHER

  • On average there are 40-60 flashes of lightning somewhere in the world every second. 1.58 billion lightning flashes are estimated to occur each year on this planet.
  • At any given moment there are an estimated 2000 thunderstorms occurring worldwide.
  • There are an estimated 5,844,000 thunderstorms that occur each year.
  • It is estimated that 695,000,000,000,000 (trillion) gallons of water are unleashed by thunderstorms annually. To put that into a better perspective, Lake Michigan contains 1300 trillion gallons, Lake Huron 935 trillion, and Lake Ontario 433 trillion.

TELEVISION

  • One of the most expensive pilot shows on American TV was Lost, costing $12 million and the plane that provided the wreckage on the beach cost the production company $200,000.
  • The total running time of the TV series Friends was 99 hours and 10 minutes (238 episodes). The final episode recorded 52.5 million viewers which is somewhere between the populations of South Korea and Italy.
  • And for those of you who love The Simpsons their total running time amounted to 139 hours and 35 minutes.

ANT INVASION

  • The total number of ants on earth is estimated to be in the area of 826.8 billion tons.
  • It is estimated that there are 300 million trillion ants on the earth (that is 300 quintillion – followed by 20 zeros).
  • The highest estimate of the total number of insects on earth is at six septillions. That’s 6 trillion trillion – followed by 24 zeros).

MISCELLANEOUS

  • Money depreciates in value over time. Allowing for inflation a dollar from 1867 was worth about $12.50 in 2005, and a dollar from 1624 at least $20.41.
  • In 1867 Alaska cost the United States, $7.2 million. In modern dollars this would amount to $90 million.
  • In 1624 the island of Manhattan was purchased from the Indians for $24. In modern dollars that would convert to $489.84.

Isn’t “Number Freaking” just the best. Its definition explains everything simply and it’s easy to understand. Number Freaking is something we do because we have a brain, it’s jazz math, the accountancy of the absurd, forensic speculation, surreal calculation, the art of playing with numbers just because we can.”

THANK YOU, GARY RIMMER

06/27/2022 ๐Ÿง”๐ŸปHipsters๐Ÿ‘ฉ๐Ÿปโ€๐Ÿฆฐ   Leave a comment

Hipsterism seems to be a subculture primarily identified by pretentious and what they think is trendy fashion. Oh yeah, don’t forget their obsession for beards and moustaches of all sorts (guys only). If you like skinny jeans, vintage clothes, indie and alternative music, then you’re likely to be labeled a hipster. To some that term isn’t complimentary but just a sarcastic description.

In general, I have no problem with stepping outside the box to become rebellious in an interesting way. I also think that their interests in the gentrification of many of our urban areas is drastically needed. Hipsters appear to have been given a bad rap by many and accused of being fake in their so-called rebellion.

I’d like to address that criticism because it’s coming from generations of hippies, goth’s, punk rockers, New Agers, Steam Punkers, Grungers, Beatniks, and LGBTIQI’s. It’s time to let the hipsters have their moment in the spotlight. Everyone knows that just as all of these other subcultures, hipsters will have their place in history. Twenty years from now the next few countercultures will find themselves being compared by their parents and grandparents, to the hipster movement. Diversity rules in all things whether we all like it or not. Live your life and let the hipsters have their moment.

HOW BORING THINGS WOULD BE IF WE WERE ALL THE SAME

06/26/2022 ๐Ÿ™‰More Malaprops๐Ÿ™‰   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

06/25/2022 “Lewd, Screwed, and Tattooed”   Leave a comment

๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿฉ

A few weeks ago, I promised you limerick lovers some really bawdy and rude limericks. I have quite a collection of those, but I hesitate to post them because it would be really bad if any children were to read them. I recently bought a book from an online thrift store which contains 1001 of the rudest limericks I’ve ever seen. I’m still considering whether to post any of them or at least try to find a few that are a little less objectionable.

Just to give you some idea what I’m talking about I thought I would regale you with an erotic poem written by the author of the book, Mr. Ronald Stanza. This little ditty was copied directly from the rear page of his book cover. Good luck.

โค๏ธ

Here now is a steamy collection

Of limericks rare. Each selection

Will run for five lines,

Contain marvelous rhymes –

Detailing sex acts of subtle complexion.

๐Ÿคค๐Ÿคค๐Ÿคค

Though often the rhyming is coarse

And the meter is ragged, or worse.

Positions are randy

The sex is jim-dandy

In this book of libidinous verse.

๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹

Some readers may think that it’s crude

To offer for sale what is lewd

But if you’re offended

By what is appended.

We’ll say what you are: you’re a prude!

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

For others the thought of an organ

Of sex is a scream. And it’s sure fun

To peep and to poke

And make sex a joke.

If a fault, it’s delightfully human!

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†

The more I read this little ditty the more I like it. A special thanks goes out to Mr. Ronald Stanza for his fine work. I’ll let you know about the final decision on the week of lewd limericks in a few days, but it isn’t looking good.

HAVE A GREAT (AND HOPEFULLY LEWD) WEEKEND

06/24/2022 “Look Back to 1940”   Leave a comment

I always enjoy looking back at my life and learning things I either never knew or have forgotten. Recently I obtained some literature from the year 1940. That’s a long time ago and I can appreciate that since I was born only six years later. Let’s see what 1940 had to offer its citizens.

  • Local dime stores were the place to be as a child. Candy and soda pop were the favorites.
  • Newspaper headline from January: OSKAR SHINDLER BEGINS PROVIDING REFUGE FOR KRAKOW JEWS
  • Jack Nicklaus was born on January 21st.
  • Formal dancing, accompanied by the sounds of the big bands of the day, was a great way to conclude a celebrative event.
  • The Philadelphia Story and Fantasia were the top box office hits. One of Disney’s first animated hits, Pinocchio, was released as a feature-length film.
  • Tom Brokaw, Ted Koppel, and Fran Tarkington were all born in February.
  • The use of telephones was in its infancy. Party lines were shared lines and kept everyone in the loop, as those online could quietly listen to any conversations at hand.
  • Winston Churchill became the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
  • On May 15, 1940, the first nylon stockings went on sale.
  • The state of New York hosted the World’s Fair at Flushing Meadows.
  • On November 7, 1940, the Tacoma Narrows bridge collapsed into the water. The only casualty was a dog sadly left in the car as its owner fled.
  • FDR was president, the population of the United States was at 132 million, and the average salary for a full-time employee was $1200 a year. The minimum wage was $.30 an hour.
  • The first McDonald’s restaurant opened on May 15, 1940, in San Bernardino California.
  • On January 31, 1940, Ida M. Fuller became the first American citizen to receive a Social Security check.
  • Bread was $.08 a loaf, bacon $.27 a pound, eggs $.33 a dozen, milk $.26 a gallon, coffee $.21 a pound, gasoline $.11 a gallon, a movie ticket was $.24, postage stamps were $ $.03’s, average cars costs $990, and the cost for a single-family home on average was $2938.

AND WORLD WAR II WAS ON THE HORIZON

06/23/2022 ๐Ÿค–The Final Frontier๐Ÿค–   Leave a comment

HOME SWEET HOME

With space travel once again becoming fashionable, we can thank the SpaceX corporation. Not only have they been innovative, but they’ve also become a thorn in the side for NASA. It’s good for the country to finally have a competitor for NASA that is quite simply “kicking their butt” and giving the big finger to the Russians as well. I foresee China as eventually becoming the leader in all things space-related unless some catastrophe slows them down a little. Unfortunately, I don’t see them reacting to disasters as we do. They would likely close ranks and keep right on going until their goals are met. Elon Musk will become their only real competitor for a time. With all of that in mind let’s check out a little “Out of This World” trivia.

  • A 150-pound earthling weighs in at 4200 pounds on the sun’s surface.
  • A lightning bolt on earth is hotter than the surface of the sun.
  • On Venus, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
  • Also, on Venus their day is longer than their year. It takes longer for Venus to rotate on its own axis than it does to complete one orbit around the sun.
  • NASA uses the same rocket technology used by TIE fighters in the Star Wars saga. TIE stands for “Twin Ion Engine” which propelled a deep space probe launched by NASA in 1999.
THE SUN
  • More than 1000 earths would fit inside Jupiter.
  • All the other planets in the solar system would also fit inside Jupiter twice.
  • Gravity is caused by a warping of space and time.
  • Time has not always existed. According to Einstein’s general theory of relativity, before the Big Bang, everything, including time, was packed together into an extremely tiny dot.
  • “Ten elite brains” is an anagram of Albert Einstein.
VENUS

BANG, ZOOM, TO THE MOON ALICE

06/22/2022 ๐Ÿ˜ตNot Living๐Ÿ˜ต   2 comments

โ€œDeath is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of allโ€

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I’ve come to the conclusion over the last few years after talking to a lot of my former and late friends, that after you’re labelled a Senior Citizen at age 50, you begin to think more about death than before. That’s a pretty depressing thought but in most cases I think it’s true. Today’s posting concerns death from a number of different angles and in my opinion, it makes for an interesting and depressing read.

  • You are 14% more likely to die on your birthday, compared to any other day of the year.
  • On average, more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday and 360,000 will be born.
  • Wednesday by far is the most popular day to commit suicide.
  • More people die in New York City from suicide each year than from murder.
  • San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular “suicide bridge” in the United States.
  • There are approximately 150 people killed each year from being struck on the head by a coconut.
  • Mosquitoes, human beings, and snakes are the three most deadly animals in the world in that order.
  • Each year more people are killed by hippopotamuses than by lions, sharks, and elephants combined.
THE BLACK DEATH
  • The Black Death is history’s most deadly verifiable plague. It swept through Europe and Asia Minor in the 1340’s and 50’s, killing an estimated 25 to 60 percent of Europe’s population.
THE SPANISH FLU
  • The Spanish Flu was a very virulent strain of influenza that spread through Asia, Europe, and North America in the spring of 1918. Healthy adults were especially hard hit. The global death toll is estimated between 25-100 million.

That should be enough depression for today. The Covid-19 pandemic is frightening but the numbers from the Black Death and Spanish Flu are even scarier. Glad I wasn’t around for either of them.

โ€œNo one here gets out aliveโ€

Jim Morrison

06/21/2022 What . . . Huh?   Leave a comment

I love sharing quotations with you and I have more of them than I have limericks. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true. Most quotations are meant to offer up some sort of truth or to pluck at our sentimental heartstrings. Those are all fine and good but really not the ones I like best. I love celebrity quotes because most of them are humorous, and they help to humanize celebrities that always need a little humanizing. Here are a few I discovered.

  • “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas A. Edison
  • “Music should strike fire from the heart of man and bring tears from the eyes of woman.” Ludvig von Beethoven
  • “Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.” Ogden Nash
  • “If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.” Sir Paul McCartney
  • “I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” Fran Leibowitz
  • “There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” Mark Twain
  • “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

LET’S HOPE THEY NEVER STOP REGALING US WITH THEIR WISDOM

06/20/2022 “Retro Limericks”   Leave a comment

A few months ago, while I was surfing on eBay, I purchased a number of books on a whim. In one of those books, I discovered it was a library book from the North Side School Library in Rogers, Arkansas dated 1965. The book contains limericks written by quite a variety of people, some well-known some not so much. They’re funny and cute and dated. I hope they bring a smile to your face as you read them. Here we go . . .

Edward Lear

There was an old man in a tree,

Who was horribly bored by a bee.

When they said, “Does it buzz?”

He replied, “Yes, it does!

It’s a regular brute of a bee.”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

Ogden Nash

There was an old man of Calcutta,

Who coated his tonsils with butta,

Thus, converting his snore

From a thunderous roar

To a soft, only oleaginous mutta.

๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿ˜›

Lewis Carroll

His sister named Lucy O’Finner,

Grew constantly thinner and thinner,

The reason was plain,

She slept out in the rain,

And was never allowed any dinner.

๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰

Rudyard Kipling

There once was a small boy in Quรฉbec

Stood buried in snow to his neck.

When asked: “Are you friz?”

He said: “Yes I is,

But we don’t call this cold in Quรฉbec.”

๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹

Carolyn Wells

A canner, exceedingly canny,

One morning he remarked to his granny,

“A canner can can

Anything that he can,

But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”

As you can see, some of these people were famous but that was 57 years ago. The limericks were mostly written in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.

HAVE A GREAT DAY

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