Archive for the ‘Stupidity’ Category

01/11/2023 “More Riddles from the 80’s”   Leave a comment

A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .

  • How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
  • Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
  • Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
  • What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
  • Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!

  • What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
  • What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
  • How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
  • Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
  • What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!

HAVE A RAUNCHY DAY!

01/06/2023 😜Retro 80’s Humor😂   1 comment

I just received a request from a reader to post something lighthearted and fun for a change. Since I’m neither lighthearted nor funny, I did some research and found a small paperback book hidden on a bookshelf behind some others. It’s titled Raunchy Riddles and after reading a few entries I know why it was hidden. I suppose it could be considered lighthearted and funny but that would be stretching the truth a little. This is 1980’s humor at its absolute worst. This post is dedicated to that foolish reader who requested it. Here we go!

  • What do you use to make a pickle cake? Dill Dough!
  • What would you call a sex change in Puerto Rico? A hole in Juan!
  • What’s the best thing to do if you’re on a date with an annoying nymphomaniac? Give her a vibrator and tell her to buzz off!
  • What happened to the couple that met through the social disease hotline? They lived “herpily ever after!”
  • What’s the best part of a porno movie? The coming attractions!

  • What should you do if your date won’t make love with the lights on? Close the car door!
  • What did one boob say to the other? “We’d better stop hanging so low, they’ll think we’re nuts!”
  • What happens if a lady golfer gets hit with a golf ball between the first and the second hole? It doesn’t leave a lot of room for the Band-Aid!
  • How did the four guys carry the huge drunken fat girl out of the bar? Two abreast!
  • What’s a hamburger kiss? Between the buns!

There you have it folks, some of the worst humor of the mid-1980s. The more I read the fewer I decided to post and believe it or not the above ten were the least objectionable I could find. So, to my lighthearted and funny reader, in the future be careful what you ask for. One last lighthearted tidbit just for you . . .

What’s the difference between a midget detective agency and a lady’s track team?

A midget detective agency is a cunning bunch of runts!

GOTTA LOVE THE 80’S

01/01/2023 “Malaprops”   Leave a comment

I love sticking my finger in the eye of the American education system. It seems to me to be little more than a means to raise revenues more than educating our children. As in all things the term, “Follow the Money”, remains consistently true. In my early years a number of former teachers of mine did everything in their power to convince me to become an educator. Thankfully they were unsuccessful. I know now that only certain types of people can enjoy a successful career as a teacher and I’m not one of them. I’d love to teach young children but would probably be fired for my continuing conflicts with a multi-layered and liberally biased administration. It’s when I read things like I’m going to list, I’d lose my ever-loving mind. These “malaprops” were collected from test papers from grade school, high school, and college student’s papers. OMG

  • Samuel Morris invented a code for telepathy.
  • Gutenberg invented the Bible.
  • Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
  • There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
  • Afterwords, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
  • Good punctuation means not to be late.
  • Adam and Eve wore nothing but figments.
  • When a baby is born, the doctor cuts its biblical chord.
  • If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, a proverb is a pronoun used in place of a verb.

I have one more I’d like to add which will be the cherry on top of this educational sundae.

“Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.”

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

12/31/2022 💥💥New Year’s Resolutions💥💥   1 comment

These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!

I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.

  • Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
  • Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
  • Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
  • Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
  • Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)

💥💥💥

  • No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
  • Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
  • Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
  • Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
  • Stay vertical.

💥💥💥

There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL

Drive Safe

12/27/2022 %*@#+!& Christmas   Leave a comment

I’m in dire need of anything that will help me forget this Christmas season. First, we had windstorms, then rainstorms, then 4 feet of water in the backyard, then a loss of power, loss of internet, no telephone service, and finally cooking what was to have been a great dinner on the gas grill on the deck. Scallops, mussels and clams just aren’t the same after trying to cook them properly when its 15 effing degrees. Am I whining too much? I sure am. I have to be man enough to put all this crap behind me and start fresh, but I just can’t do it. I’d like to string both Mother Nature and Santa Clause from the nearest tree by various body parts that I won’t mention. I can assure you they would be painful.

Maybe my attitude will improve once I can shower and shave with hot water. The electric just turned back on at 10am today. Scrub-a-dub-dub.

BRING ON FREAKING NEW YEARS

02/25/2022 Christmas is Still Sucking   Leave a comment

Another quick note. It’s our third day without power, heat, internet or patience. Our generator just ran out of propane so now we can sit around and freeze our collective asses off. Ho! Ho! Ho! Deck the effing halls. Hopefully we’ll get some good news tomorrow.

12/18/2022 😵Mortality😵   Leave a comment

What better things are there to do on these snowy, wet, cold, slushy, and otherwise crappy days? My favorite thing is to just go to my bookshelf and randomly pick a book to read and to look for interesting information. Since it is the holiday season I thought why not talk about death. Unfortunately, or fortunately the book that I picked at random this morning contains quite of lot of information on death and dying. So, in the spirit of the season I’m going to supply you with a list of actual ways people on this planet decide to be buried. Some of these ways are a little strange but who am I to judge.

  • Create a certified, high-quality diamond from the cremated ashes of your loved one.
  • Send a symbolic portion of your loved ones cremated remains into Earth orbit, onto the lunar surface, or into deep space.
  • Have your cremated remains placed in a “reef ball” to help seed this planet’s coral reefs.
  • Have your remains frozen in liquid nitrogen, with the intent of restoring your body (in good health, of course) when technology becomes available to do so.
  • Have your remains frozen and transformed into organic compost and buried with in a potato-starch coffin that promotes plant and tree growth.

  • Have your remains incorporated into fireworks, so you can have a custom fireworks display for your friends and loved ones.
  • Create a custom portrait of your loved one incorporating their cremation ashes.
  • Have your body mummified the old-school Egyptian way.
  • Donate your body to be “plastinated” or embalmed for public display for educational and instructional purposes.

Now that I’ve succeeded in depressing you let me take it one step further.

  • It has been estimated by scientists that since human beings became a distinct species, more than 100 billion, give or take a few million, have died.
  • It is estimated that more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday. Just give a kind thought to the 135,000 people who are estimated to pass away on the same day.
  • You have a higher chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
  • You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with hot tap water.
  • Death from being struck on the head by a coconut occurs for about 150 people each year worldwide.
  • Mike Edwards, cellist for the 1970’s band, The Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), was killed by hay bale that rolled down a hill and smashed into his moving van.

😵😵😵

6 MORE SHOPPING DAYS

12/16/2022 “Prices”   Leave a comment

Let’s talk about shopping. I’m not a shopaholic by any means but my better-half is. She keeps me posted on many things and it never ceases to amaze me how the prices have soared since the pandemic. I’m not here to say that’s a good thing or a bad thing but it is a thing we have to deal with. I myself do a lot of food shopping and I track food prices fairly closely to save a buck here or to save a buck there. It usually takes a lot to surprise me but the prices in the last year have been rising at a ridiculous rate. I don’t know whether it’s just the ability of every business in the country to gouge the crap out of the population or maybe there is some other logical reason for it. Honestly, I think it’s a little bit of both. Just to satisfy my bizarre curiosity I decided to do some price matches from the 1950’s against our present prices. This list is primarily products that everybody uses and needs, and I retrieved the 1950’s numbers from my archives which are unquestionably accurate and for the present-day numbers you can thank Google. Prepare yourself to be truly depressed.

1950’s v. 2022

Bread (1 lb.) $ .14 / $1.75

Bacon (1 lb.) $ .77 / $7.61

Butter (1 lb.) $ .87 / $5.00

Eggs (Doz.) $ .72 / $3.42

Milk (Gal.) $ .44 / $4.41

Potatoes (10 lb.) $ .57 / $6.00

Coffee (1 lb.) $ .51 / $2.99

Sugar (5 lbs.) $ .47 / $ .59

Gas (Gal. Reg.) $ .26 / $4.02

Postage $ .03 / $ .50

I’m all for getting the people who supply these goods to us a fair wage and a fair price but to see this much of a change in some of these categories leads me to believe some of these prices are not fair. It seems that everyone these days is an expert on just about everything so I’m sure I’ll get some trolls complaining about this post. These are my opinions and if you disagree with me, I’d recommend that you start a blog, do some research, post your own information, and then answer all of the lame-ass email criticisms you’ll likely to receive from people just like you. Merry Christmas!

8 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

12/08/2022 ☃️🏈Christmas Beer Lovers🏈☃️   1 comment

As I’m sure you all know, people love beer. With the holidays coming up I assume that all of you beer fanatics out there will be hoisting a few cold ones while watching many of your favorite football games. I’m not a beer person but I’m sure if you consume enough it will make for an even happier holiday season. I understand it also helps, if done properly, to “zone out” all of the miscellaneous holiday conversations you would normally be required to respond to. I’ve been told many times by friends and acquaintances alike that “beer is better than women”. This posting was sent to me by a friend, but it should be read primarily by the men. I’m sure a few beer drinking women will be up in arms over this post but please don’t kill the messenger. I’m just forwarding this along to the men out there who will be in need of some comic relief in the coming months.

WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.

When beer goes flat, you toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.

Beer never has a headache.

A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

If you pour beer right, you’ll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

A beer is always wet.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

Beer doesn’t care when you come.

You always know if you’re the first one pop a beer.

Hell, I think I’m having a beer induced epiphany. After reading all of this interesting information I just might have to try a beer or two over the holidays. I never realized just how much better beer was than women until I read this list. As an aside ladies, if you think this list was misleading or untrue, I welcome any contributions from all of you as to why beer is better than men.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS LADIES

LOL

12/03/2022 “Christmas Craziness”   Leave a comment

Thank heaven this isn’t my house.

I thought I would continue my Christmas craziness today with a description of my better-half’s last two weeks of Christmas preparation. I’m not a huge Christmas person but my better half is the poster girl for Christmas insanity. It all started approximately two and a half weeks ago when she began unloading the attic with a never-ending pile of boxes containing thirty years of Christmas paraphernalia. It’s not that she wanted to use all of that stuff to decorate the house but the more she looks through those boxes the more decorations magically begin to appear everywhere. I may lose my every so merry mind. There are wreaths on the front door, garage doors, across the deck which is also strung with yards and yards of tinsel and lights. I think I now have one of the largest collections of extension cords in this part of Maine. I’m so proud!

I need a short break from all this holiday cheer. Try to answer these five Christmas movie trivia questions. Are you a serious elf or just a poser? I’ll list the answers at the end.

In “A Christmas Story”, who gifts Ralphie a pink bunny onesie for Christmas?

In “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, what is the name of the Grinch’s dog?

In “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, how many lights are on the Griswold house?

In “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, what does Jack Skellington call Santa?

What is the highest-grossing Christmas movie of all time?

This is what my elf wants our house to eventually look like.

Let me say again that of this morning fully fifty percent of every surface in the house has something Christmassy on it. All the windows are decorated, small statuettes of every Christmas figure you could possibly think of are sitting on every piece of furniture within my field of vision. Help! I’m being held prisoner in Santas southern vacation home, and I can’t escape. There’s only one elf living here, and she is out-of-control. I’m reasonably sure if I stood still for more than five minutes, I’d have yards of tinsel hanging from my body with an appropriate number of silly little ornaments and bells attached. If I stood still for a full ten minutes, I guarantee she’d find a way to have flashing lights wrapped around me and twinkling “Oh So Merrily”. My only refuge from the Christmas madness is my man-cave. She has yet to visit there and I’m guarding the door to keep her out. Three more weeks of this and I’ll probably make the nightly news. I’ll be the guy dressed like Santa Clause threating to jump off the nearest bridge in Portland, Maine, “Film at Eleven!” Oh yeah . . . here are your trivia answers. How did you do?

Answers: Aunt Clara, Max, 25,000, Sandy Claws, Home Alone

HO! HO! HO! THREE WEEKS TO GO

%d bloggers like this: