I decided that todays post would address a few things that are important to me now that I’m within shouting distance of being eighty years old. As anyone that reads this blog knows, I’m all about maintaining a really good sense of humor about almost everything. Nothing is funnier for me then one-liners. They convey a lot of laughs and good will with a very small investment of words. Being an old fart like me means often thinking about death as well as just being too damn old. Here are a few one-liners that cheer me up and I hope they do the same for you. Enjoy!
GROWING OLD
I’m so old that when I go to a cafe’ order a three-minute boiled egg, they want the money up front.
I was always taught to respect my elders but I’ve reached the age when I don’t have anyone left to respect.
The only reason I’ve taken up jogging is so I can hear heavy breathing again.
DEATH
My grief counselor has just died. He was so damn good, I don’t give a shit.
I want to die peaceably in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Death is Nature’s way of saying “Slow down”.
HAPPINESS
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
Happiness is sunshine, a good meal, and a good or a bad woman. It depends how much happiness you can handle.
Ecstasy is happiness with its clothes off.
Some people light up a room when they enter it. Other people do so when they leave. (YOU KNOW WHO YOUR ARE)
Having served three years in the Army changed many things about me. I was introduced to many new experiences that I hope never to repeat and I learned a lot about myself both good and bad. While I wasn’t involved in any massive world wars I got a taste of its reality by my visits to Korea and Vietnam. This post isn’t meant to be about me but about war itself. Todays post contains a few odd and strange facts from the most destructive war this country has ever faced, The American Civil War, which pitted brother against brother and families against families. The most widely cited figure is 618,222 total deaths, with 360,222 Union deaths and 258,000 Confederate deaths. The war’s toll was so severe that if the same percentage of the U.S. population had died today, it would be equivalent to 6 million deaths. Enjoy . . .
Of the future members of the United States Supreme Court who were of fighting age during the civil war, seven were in uniform. Four fought for the Union: Oliver Wendell Holmes, John M. Harlan, William B. Woods, and Stanley Matthews. Three fought for the Confederacy: Edward D. White, Horace H. Lurton, and Lucius Q.C. Lamar.
Union privates were paid only $16.00, but the gold value of their pay was more than seven times greater than that of the Confederates.
Slaves in Virginia could be hired for $30.00 a month in 1863 – yet the pay for an Army private was $11.00 a month. Confederates pay finally increased to $18.00 a month the next year.
Of the 546 nuns known to have served as battlefield nurses, 289 were from Ireland, 40 from Germany, and 12 from France.
Firing on both sides was so inaccurate that soldiers estimated it took a man’s weight in lead to kill a single enemy in battle. A Federal expert said that each Confederate who was shot required 240 pounds of powder and 900 pounds of lead.
A young Confederate officer, Captain S. Isadore Guillet, was fatally shot on the same horse on which three of his brothers had been previously killed. With his final wish he willed the horse to his nephew as he died.
Years before the war Jesse Grant, father of Ulysses, lived and worked in the home of Owen Brown, whose small son, played noisily about the frontier homestead,. That boy grew up to be John Brown, the Abolitionist martyr who lit the fuse of the war.
The Confederate General, Nathan Bedford Forrest, classed by some historians as the war’s most able cavalry commander, had twenty-nine horses shot from under him in the course of the war. He survived to be the founder of the Ku Klux Klan.
WAR IS TRULY HELL
(And as I also learned – Peacetime is a motherf**ker)
For you millennials who may read this post I’m giving you fair warning. I’m a eighty year old man who wants to tell you a story that will be a little sappy and hopefully a little funny but everything will be true. And before you start reading and rolling your eyes at what I say remember that I was much like you (a millennial) in the wild and wacky 1960’s when almost everything was always out of control. At that time I perfected that eye roll you’re probably still using today. Being alive in the sixties was a “trip” to say the least. Free love, an over abundance of drugs, with Rock & Roll as our mantra. My best friend and I were in constant trouble from stealing booze and cigarettes from our parents to the occasional visits from state and local police. We thought we had all the answers but were kept from getting really crazy by my ever so vigilant parents. I had my first official date and fell in love immediately until we were sidetracked by both her parents and mine who squashed our love like a bug. Then I crashed my fathers new car resulting in more eye rolling and some serious ass kicking. I decided then that maybe college would be a good change to let me live my life my way. I mean, how right could my parents be, they were over forty years old and obviously had no clue about things. So, I headed off to college to start my next millennial adventure . . .
College wasn’t an adventure but it was very strange. I was just one knucklehead in a rather large group of other knuckleheads trying to adjust to a life of freedom without parents. My biggest problem was adjusting from my father’s strict rules for everything to having no rules at all. I drank way too much and chased young ladies way too much, and learned almost nothing. I cut classes, constantly overslept and was a miserable failure as a student. In my third year I dropped out without alerting my parents and spent the remainder of the money I’d saved entertaining roommates and other friends (mainly females). But the damn college just had to go and notify my parents that I was a no-show and OMG were they irate (another huge parental eye roll). I returned home as a failed millennial with no money, no job, and two parents who would never let me forget what an ass I’d become.
Lets skip ahead to my enlistment in the Army, my time as a state police officer in Pennsylvania , getting married, finishing my bachelors degree, to getting an upper level management job with a national corporation, and finally retiring from the State of Maine’s Judicial Branch. My point is that if I can survive my millennial years, so can you. Truthfully, if you think about it everyone has a millennial period at some time in their life. It’s also true that human beings seem compelled to give everyone and everything a nickname (usually derogatory). There’s the Boomers (that’s me), the Gen X’ers, Gen Y’ers, and hundreds of others. It’s all just so much bullshit. Just remember this important fact. In a few years many of you will marry and have children. What will their nicknames be when they hit their millennial years and begin to drive you absolutely crazy? Some thing you can look forward to. It’s called the “Circle of Life”. LOL
A few days ago I was listening to a stand-up comic on-line making jokes about the cost of women’s products he found in his wife’s vanity. He claimed to be utterly shocked that she spent $80.00 for a small vial of some magic ointment that would make her feel younger and better about herself. He made me laugh a lot but then I got to thinking. How did those products develop and where? Todays post may help you understand where it all started and who is to blame. LOL
Cosmetics and Makeup – 8,ooo years ago in Egypt.
Eye Makeup -4000 B.C. – Again from Egypt
Rouge, Face Powder, Lipstick – 4000 B.C. from the Greeks
Beaty Patches & Compacts – 17th Century Europe
Nail Polish – Pre-3000 B.C. from China
Creams, Oils, Moisturizers – 3000 B..C. from once again those damn Egyptians.
The Mirror – 3500 B.C. from Mesopotamia
Hair Styling – 1500 B.C. from Assyria
Cold Cream – 2nd Century from Rome
Modern Hair Coloring – 1909 from France
Wigs – 3000 B.C. – again from Egypt
Hair Pins – 10,000 Years Ago – from Asia
Hair Dryer – 1920 – Wisconsin, USA
The Comb – Pre-4000 B.C. from Asia and Africa
Perfume – Pre-6000 B.C. from the Middle and Far East
Okay everyone, say goodbye to March. It certainly won’t be missed with it’s sucky weather patterns and frigid cold which seems to last forever. My really big and repeating bitch is the local snowplow driver who once again sent my mailbox flying into the neighbors yard in pieces. That’s happened twice this winter and once while I was standing nearby. The mailbox will need to be replaced again which is nothing new, we replaced it four times in the last seven years. Enough of my whining lets get to some hopefully interesting but odd facts.
When you receive a kidney transplant, the doctors usually leave the original kidney inside of you.
There are 80,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ways to arrange a deck of cards.
Studies suggest that placebos work even when the subject knows they are taking a placebo.
The darkest substance known is called “vantablack” and it absorbs 99.965% of all visible light.
A dying someone once actually left a cat an inheritance of 12.5 million dollars.
If you ate natural wasabi, you wouldn’t find it spicy. For spiciness it must be crushed.
Nuclear fallout was once measured in “sunshine units”.
Some blind humans are capable of echolocation.
In the 1800’s, a man proclaimed himself emperor of the United States and issued his own currency.
The Declaration of Independence was written on animal skin.
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FUNNY AND UNCONFIRMED
Reports suggest that during the cold war, the CIA planned to demoralize the soviet people by air dropping thousands of magnum-sized American condoms labeled “Small”. (I certainly hope this isn’t true but you never know with the CIA involved.)
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
❤️❤️❤️
If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
❤️❤️❤️
And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
❤️❤️❤️
Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
I collect odd and unusual books and it’s not often I get truly surprised but it finally happened. I stumbled upon a book titled Bizarre Books – A Compendium of Classical Oddities. It lists in great detail some of the weirdest book titles, subtitles, and authors names I’ve ever seen. Over the next few months I’ll pick out a topic and list some of the titles mentioned in this book that apply. To start I’ve chosen a topic that will spice things up a little, Sex & Marriage. As you will see the human obsession with sex is nothing new. Here we go . . .
Seven Wives and Seven Prisons– The life of a Matrimonial Monomaniac – L.A. Abbott 1870
Shipping Semen? How to have a Successful Experience– Pennie Ahmed 1998
Sex + Sex = Gruppensex – Ruediger Bosschmann 1970
Orgasmus and Super-Orgasmus – Stephenson Verlag 1972
Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages– Victor T. Cheney 2003
How to Pickup Women in Discos– Don Diebel 1981
Straight Talk About Surgical Penis Enlargement – Gary M. Griffin 1991
The External Genitalia of Japanese Females– Kanji Kasai 1995
In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
High-Performance Stiffened Structures – Bury St. Edmunds 2000
Here is the fourth installment of retro trivia from the decade of the 1970’s. These questions should be a little easier than the last three decades. As always the answers are listed below.
Who was court-martialed in 1971 for atrocities committed in Southeast Asia?
What became the capital of the reunited North and South Vietnam?
What was the name of the Russian spacecraft that linked with an Apollo module in 1975?
In 1974 what building became the tallest in the world?
What woman won the Nobel Prize in 1979?
What nation tried “The Gang of Four”?
Name the senator that presided over the Watergate hearings?
Where was the Queen Elizabeth when it caught fire and sank in 1972?
Who was the first native American to be canonized by the Catholic church?
Name the war hero who quit the Israeli cabinet in 1979?
BONUS QUESTION
What caused Iceland and England to sever diplomatic relations in 1976?
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Answers
Lt. William Calley, Hanoi, Soyuz, The Sears Tower, Mother Teresa, China, Sam Ervin, Hong Kong, Mother Seton, Moshe Dayan, BONUS-Cod Fishing Rights
I’ve always been fascinated by facts that aren’t commonly known. We humans use thousands of products each year and have little or no idea where or when those products originated and who were the geniuses that created them. Todays post will list a number of miscellaneous facts on a wide selection of topics.
Modern glass products will take at least 4,000 years to decompose.
It is considered rude to talk with your hands on your hips in Indonesia.
Mother Teresa, known for caring for the children of India, was born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu in Albania. She lived from 1910 to 1997.
Christmas cards were first sent in London in 1843.
The first kiss ever seen in a movie was in 1896. The movie was called The Kiss.
Russian cosmonaut Valentina V. Tereshkova was the first women in space in 1963.
The Pennsylvania Dutch believe that if a woman eats the last piece of bread, she will become an “old maid”.
The first Thanksgiving at Plymouth Rock lasted three days.
In Britain a black cat is considered lucky. In the US not so much.
In ancient Greece the herb parsley was associated with death.
It is unlucky to wear the color white at a Chinese wedding.
Famous advice columnists Dear Abby and Ann Landers were identical twins.
My Fav
In Arizona it is illegal to have more than two dildoes in a house.
everyuselessthing.com 