In my humble opinion the most important thing a person can have is a healthy sense of humor. Without that a person loses most of their true personality and likeability. In the worst of times being able to “crack wise” and smile a little goes a long way to calm any situation. I constantly post quotations because they tell me more about a person than meeting them in person and having a casual conversation. Even people who I really don’t care for occasionally surprise me with their quotes and a few times I actually forgave them their stupidity and changed my opinion of them. That sounds a little harsh but all of us have the capability of being harsh, crass, and opinionated and still have thoughts worth sharing. Todays post contains quotations from some of my favorite people: comedians.
“Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.” Rodney Dangerfield
“It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from it’s mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.” Jay Leno
“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin
“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” Steven Wright
“I am at two with nature.” Woody Allen
“Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.” Rosanne Barr
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again”. Joan Rivers
“My plastic surgeon told me my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.” Phyllis Diller
“When I meet a man I ask myself, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” Rita Rudner
“In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.” Johnny Carson
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BONUS FOR RETIREES
“Sex after ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in it’s holder is a thrill.”
I have to admit that most of my readers are rather particular about the limericks I post. Of all of my posts, the dirtiest limericks seem to get the most views while the readership lessens considerably the cleaner the limericks become. That should tell me something about my readers but I’m not actually sure what that is. Todays offerings contain some really old limericks that concern sexual DISEASES. That’s all I’m saying, see what you think.
Now that all of my technology issues have been resolved I decided to go off in a different direction for todays post. Since we’re in the middle of a war with Iran I decided to read up on the Civil War for stories and facts of that conflict that might help to further prove that all wars suck. As I was reading my way though the Civil War notes I discovered these three short stories I found interesting. Maybe you will too.
If the Civil War had a champion soldier, he must have been George Barnhart Zimplemen, of Terry’s Texas Rangers CSA, a private by choice, who went through more than 400 battles and skirmishes up to May, 1865, he led his regiment in the number of horses shot from under him, and suffered two wounds, one of which maimed him for life. He survived the war.
Two brothers, Jack and Jasper Walker, of Charlotte, North Carolina. Jasper, fought at the battle of Gettysburg with the 13th North Carolina regiment. Jasper was wounded on July 1st, as the fifth color-bearer of his regiment to be shot. He was captured and a surgeon amputated his right leg and then sent him to a Northern prison. On the retreat from Gettysburg, Jack Walker was also shot and lost his left leg by amputation. He also was sent to another northern Federal prison. The brothers returned home after the war to become prosperous citizens, familiar in the town as they stumped about on cork legs. On Jaspers wedding day, he accidently fell and broke his artificial limb, he then borrowed the leg of his gallant brother which fit perfectly. This, as Confederate veterans were fond of telling youngsters, was the only case on record in which one man was married while standing on the leg of another.
Paul A. Futz, who enlisted as a Confederate private in 1861 at the age of fifteen, was caught with two other soldiers smuggling quinine through the Federal lines. The smugglers chewed up their papers but their captors still shot the older two. The tradition is that the pardoning of Futz was President Lincoln’s last official act.
The more I dug into the Civil War the more weird stories I discovered. Be warned, I’m against any wars except those that threaten my way of life and that of my family. If you do that then your ass is in trouble.
I’ve been a lover of books since a very early age. The term bibliophile meant nothing to me back then. The first real book I ever read cover-to-cover occurred in 1952 at the ripe old age of 7. I was walking from the school bus a mile and a half to my home. Along the way I passed a neighbors house and noticed a number of large cardboard boxes filled with all sorts of things which had been placed there for a trash pickup the next morning. I noticed an old worn book sticking out of one of those boxes, pulled it out, and it was titled 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne. I read a few lines from page one and was hooked. The book went into my bag and I couldn’t put it down and finished reading it in just two days. That book changed my life because I was forced to read it with a dictionary in one hand and the book in the other. There were so many words I’d never seen or heard before and it made the entire process a major learning experience not just for reading but also how to properly use a dictionary. The one unpronounceable word that has stuck with me ever since was rendezvous. For quite some time I pronounced it as “ren-dez-e-vos” and not “ron-de-voo“. Many thanks to my mom for explaining that to me and even now when I hear or see that word it takes me right back to 1952 once again.
Todays post contains the titles of ten obscure books published in the far past concerning everyone’s favorite topic: SEX. They are hilarious and can only be truly appreciated by a dedicated bibliophile. Are you one? Do you want to become one? I highly recommend it.
Is Pleasure Worth the Penalty – Henry Butter 1866
The Girdle of Chastity – Eric John Dingwall 1931
Training of the Young in Laws of Sex – Hon. Edward Lyttelton 1900
In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
How to Pickup Girls on a Public Beaches – Raleigh Leo Stanley 1982
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Bullying and Sexual Harassment: A Practical Study – Tina Stephens and Jane Hallas 2006
Happy Though Married – Sophia Gertrude Wurtz 1922
A Kiss for a Blow – Henry Clark Wright 1920
Heroic Virgins – Alfonso P. Santos 1977
History of the Girls’ Friendly Society – Agnes L. Money 1897
BONUS – My Fav
Wed to a Lunatic – A wild weird yarn of love and some other things delivered in the form of hash for the benefit of tired readers – Frank Warren Hastings 1896
There aren’t many holidays ever mentioned on this blog but Memorial Day is the most important one for me. I’ve had friends killed in the service of this country and many more that have been maimed or worse through these continuing battles to keep this country of ours intact. For many years in the past returning veterans were mostly ignored. For years many disabled vets lived on the street due to mental illness (PTSB) as well as horrific wounds making it almost impossible to find work. It’s only in the last two decades that major steps have been taken by both government and public organizations to remedy that terrible situation. I usually don’t promote organizations on this blog but there is one major exception. Listed below is the link to the Wounded Warrior Project. That group has done as much to help our wounded vets as the government. In these perilous times the number of wounded and damaged veterans seems never ending but this country must be defended.
HONOR THE FALLEN BY SUPPORTING THE WOUNDED
If you want more information please click the link below. All veterans should be thanked and then cared for after they voluntarily put their lives on the line for all of us.
Here is an updated selection of rather odd and sometimes scary trivia facts. Some are good and some are not. Ten things you probably wish you don’t know. You be the final judge.
Approximately 1.7 million violent workplace incidents occur in this country every year. 18,700 are committed by the victim’s intimate partner.
If you swim in ocean areas that contain sharks, avoid wearing the colors yellow and orange. Apparently these colors piss off sharks. Who knew?
Female marsupials have three vaginas. and the males have a forked penis.
Approximately 4 million cats and dogs are euthanized each year in this country at animal shelters.
Ten percent of Americans between eighteen and twenty-four can’t find the United States on a blank world map.
Half of Americans believe that the President has the power to suspend the constitution (Mostly Democrats I’ll wager).
According to the Institute of Medicine (IOM) estimates, 1.5 million patients suffer each year because of mistakes made with medicines given in hospitals.
Mental health concerns are one of Americans’ top reasons for seeking medical treatmernt.
The place where you rest your hands on your desk is home to ten million bacteria at any given moment.
A person can survive without eating for weeks, but will only survive eleven days without sleep.
Are you a “foodie”? Everyone I ask gives me the same answer. YES! Being a “foodie” means much more than just eating three squares meals a day. It refers to someone who is obsessed with food, it’s preparation, it’s presentation, and of course the flavor. I think I just inadvertently booted myself from the “foodie” ranks because I’m no longer concerned with all of that. Years ago when I was into cooking, canning, and wine-making, I was most certainly a “foodie”. Now that I’m fully into being retired the term doesn’t apply to me any longer. Todays post will be a short quiz for those of you who still identify yourselves as “foodies”. As always the answers will be listed below.
Italy leads the world in pasta consumption with 61.7 pounds each per person per year. What country is second?
Black-eyed peas are not peas. What are they?
Where was the first automated fortune cookie machine manufactured?
What does VVSOP mean on a cognac bottle?
What color did blue replace in 1995 when it was introduced to the standard package of M&M’s candies?
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On average, how many calories a day are American astronauts given to eat while on missions to outer space?
What do herring, cabbage and carrots represent at New Years Eve feasts in Germany and Scandinavia?
How much caffeine must be removed from coffee for it to be called decaffeinated?
What popular soft drink contained the drug lithium, now available only by prescription, when it was introduced in 1929?
What did the Wrigley Company do to promote its chewing gum nationwide in 1914?
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BONUS
What is the cordial kumiss made from?
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Answers
Venezuela at 27.9, Beans, Japan, Very Very Superior Old Pale, Tan, 3000, Herring represents good luck; cabbage, plenty of silver; and carrots, gold in the year ahead, 97%, 7UP, It mailed a stick of Doublemint gum to every person listed in the U.S. phonebooks, BONUS: Fermented mare’s or cow’s milk.
We are all human beings and supposedly we’re the primary predator on this planet, so far. Five years from now with the number of AI’s being created that may not be the case. Todays post will contain some of the more interesting facts about being human. Let’s see where you fit in.
The longest reported case of hiccups lasted for sixty-eight years (Mr.Charles Osboure).
The longest time somebody has kept one eye open without blinking was eight minutes and twenty-six seconds.
Red heads do not usually go gray.
You shed approximately forty thousand skin cells a minute.
Some tumors in your body can grow hair and teeth (A teratoma tumor).
The word “fart” is one of the oldest words in the English language.
People who swallow a lot of air fart a lot more than people who don’t.
The smell of a woman’s tears makes men feel less sexual aroused and reduces levels of testosterone.
Standing up to poop is healthier than sitting (less hemorrhoids and colonic obstructions).
People with blue eyes can can drink more before showing signs of drunkenness.
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BONUS FACT
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Did you know that “defecaloesiophobia” is the fear of having difficult bowel movements.
Let’s talk about the subjects most people immediately shy away from: Death & Serious Injuries. They are a part of our lives (at least at the end) but still a rather gruesome topic for discussion. For years I loved reading about the endless stupid deaths reported by the Darwin Awards and found them sad but still a little humorous at times. My goal in life was never to be mentioned in the Darwin Awards by dying in a stupid fashion. I realize that’s an odd thing to have on a bucket list but it’s still on mine. Here are a few trivia tidbits (both old and new) that might interest you on deaths and serious injuries.
Boating accidents claim an average of 700 lives each year.
Since 1924, 13 people have been killed in Pamplona, Spain’s annual “Running of the Bulls”.
From 1982 to 1997, cheerleading accounted for 57% of the catastrophic injuries and fatalities among young female athletes.
From 1973 to 1975 there were 81 known fatalities from hang-gliding,
In the United States, at least seven fatalities and numerous severe injuries have been reported among bungee jumpers using a hot air balloons as a platform.
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In 2007, 45 people were struck and killed by lightning in the United States, a quarter of them in or near water.
Each year about 50-70 confirmed shark attacks occur. 5-15 shark attack fatalities occur around the world.
There were 850 hunting accidents in this country in 2002, more than 10% of them were fatalities.
Once at the Middle Tennessee District Fair in Lawrenceburg, a 60-year-old woman was severely injured when she fell 30 feet from the top of Ferris wheel and landed on the spokes close to the center wheel axle.
Once a Washington, D.C. based study on the correlation between admissions to emergency rooms and outcomes from Washington Redskins football games showed that admissions of female victims of stabbings, gunshots, assaults, and other violence actually increases when the team wins.
