I’ve had more time to contemplate things and myself over the last few years than I ever thought I would have. Many years as a workaholic kept me running at an insane pace leaving very little time for self-evaluation and concerns of conforming to meet the expectations of others. As busy and crazy as my life was at the time, I always looked for a way to separate myself from the crowd. It was done without a lot of thought, and I paid a price for all of my more stupid decisions. I always felt that I had to be different and regardless of the consequences I pursued that end. Overall, it was worth doing because I learned a lot about myself and about many of my closest family and friends, they gave me a steady drumbeat for most of my life of “your being weird” or “get with the program”. One of the phrases I hated the most was “That’s the way we’ve always done it.” That was like “fingernails on a blackboard” for me. For you youngsters, check with your parents if you want to know what a blackboard is. I’ve spent the last few weeks, bedridden with a fractured ankle with plenty of time to reflect on things. I must be doing and saying something right because my ever-present bodyguard, my cat Lucy, has been agreeing with me on everything. I thought in fairness I would search out a second opinion and who better to ask than my favorite smartass, Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
“Your conscience is a nuisance. A conscience is like a child. If you pet it and play with it and let it have everything that it wants, it becomes spoiled and intrudes on all of your amusements and griefs. Treat your conscience as you would anything else. When it is rebellious, spank it – be severe with it, argue with it, prevent it from coming to play with you at all hours, and you will secure a good conscience; that is to say, a properly trained one. A spoiled one simply destroys all the pleasure in life. I think I have reduced mine to order. At least, I haven’t heard from it for some time. Perhaps I have killed it from over severity,”
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”Socrates
*****
Welcome to installment number seven. These questions appear a little harder to answer simply. Only a frank discussion will bring the answers, both good and bad. Have fun . . .
Would you rather play a game with someone more or less talented as you? Would it matter who’s watching?
Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
While in the government, you discover the President is committing extortion and other serious crimes. By exposing the situation, you might bring about the President’s downfall, but your career would be destroyed because you would be framed, fired, and suffer public humiliation on other matters. Knowing you would be vindicated five years later; would you blow the whistle? What if you knew you would never be vindicated?
On a busy street you are approached apologetically by a well-dressed stranger who asks for a dollar to catch a bus and make a phone call. He says he has lost his wallet. What would you do? If approached in the same way by a haggard looking stranger claiming to be hungry and unable to find a job, what would you do?
If by sacrificing your life you could contribute so much to the world that you would be honored in all nations, would you be willing to do so? If so, would you make the same sacrifice knowing that someone you thoroughly disliked would receive the honor while you went unrecognized?
*****
Knowing you had a 50% chance of winning and would be paid 10 times the amount of your bet if you won, what fraction of what you now own would you be willing to wager?
What are your most compulsive habits? Do you regularly struggled to break these habits?
You know you will die of an incurable disease within three months. Would you allow yourself to be frozen within the week if you knew it would give you a modest chance of being revived in 1000 years and living a greatly extended life?
You are driving late at night in a safe but deserted neighborhood when a dog suddenly darts in front of your car. Though you slam on the brakes, you hit the animal. Would you stop to see how injured the animal was? If you did so and found that the dog was dead but had a name tag, would you contact the owner?
What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment, security, love, power, excitement, knowledge, or something else?
*****
An eccentric millionaire offers to donate a large sum to charity if you will step completely naked from a car onto a busy downtown street, walk four blocks, and climb back into the car. Knowing that there would be no danger of physical abuse, would you do it?
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people?
Is the fact that you have never done something before increase or decrease its appeal to you?
Would you be willing to give up sex for five years if you could have wonderfully sensual and erotic dreams any night you wished?
At a meal, your friends start belittling a common acquaintance. If you felt their criticisms were unjustified, would you defend the person?
Today is as good a day as any to continue this series with installment #5. It should make for interesting discussions to start the new year. I hope you enjoy these topics because they seem to be more interesting than those that came before. Just remember:
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Socrates
Can you urinate in front of another person?
If you walk out of your house one morning and saw a bird with a broken wing huddled in some nearby bushes, what would you do?
Assume there were a technological breakthrough that would allow people to travel as easily and cheaply between continents as between nearby cities. Unfortunately, there would also be 100,000 deaths a year from the device. Would you try to prevent its use?
You and a person you love deeply are placed in separate rooms with a button next to each of you. You know you will both be killed unless one of you presses your button before 60 minutes pass; furthermore, the first to press the button will save the other person but will immediately be killed. What do you think you would do?
When you tell a story, do you often exaggerate or embellish it? If so, why?
*****
Do you feel that advice from older people carries a special weight because of their greater experience?
Without your kidney as a transplant, someone close to you will die within one month. The odds that you will survive the operation are only 50%, but should you survive, you would be certain of a normal life expectancy. Would you consent to the operation?
When has your life dramatically changed as the result of some seemingly random external influence? How much do you feel in control of the course of your life?
If a friend were almost always late, would you resent it or simply allow for it? Can you be counted on to be on time?
When did you last yell at someone? Why? Did you later regret it?
*****
Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares every night for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?
If you could have free, unlimited service for five years from an extremely good cook, chauffeur, housekeeper, masseuse, or personal secretary, which would you choose?
Would you be willing to go to a slaughterhouse? Do you eat meat?
Would you enjoy spending a month of solitude in a beautiful natural setting? Food and shelter would be provided but you would not see another person.
After a medical examination, your doctor calls and gravely says you have a rare lymphatic cancer with only a few months to live. Five days later, she informs you that the lab test was mislabeled, and you are perfectly healthy. Forced for a moment to look death in the face, you have been allowed to turn and go on. During those difficult days you would certainly have gained some insights about yourself. Do you think they would be worth the pain?
Since Christmas has finally come and gone, I thought another installment of An Examined Life would get us all thinking about the end of another year and what we’ve accomplished or didn’t accomplish. Maybe these postings can assist us in deciding what our New Year’s resolutions might be. They’re always fun to write and I’ll be posting mine very soon. How about you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
You have the power to go any distance into the future and after one year, return to the present with any knowledge you have gained from your experience, but you cannot bring any physical objects with you. Would you make the journey if it carried a 50% risk of death?
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as your dinner guest? As your closest friend? As your lover?
While working late at night, you slightly scraped the side of a nearby Porsche. You’re certain no one else is aware of what happened. The damage is minor and would not be covered by insurance anyway. Would you leave a note?
If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be?
*****
Do you have any specific long-term goals? What is one and how you plan to reach it?
For what in your life do you feel the most grateful?
How do you react when people sing “Happy Birthday” to you in a restaurant?
What is the worst psychological torture you can imagine suffering? Anything causing even minor physical injury should not be considered.
Would you like your spouse to be both smarter and more attractive than you?
*****
If you found that a good friend had AIDS, would you avoid him or her? What if your brother or sister had it?
Would you be willing to give up sex for one year if you knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you have now?
A good friend pulls off a well-conceived practical joke that plays on one of your foibles and makes you look ridiculous. How would you react?
By controlling medical research funds, you are in the position to guarantee that a cure will be found in fifteen years for any disease you choose. Unfortunately, no progress on any others would be made during that period. Would you target one disease?
Would you accept one year of life if it meant taking one year from the life of someone in the world selected at random? Would it matter if you were told whose life you had shortened?
I was never in high school during the 1950’s. I just wanted to be clear on that point because I was in then what is now called Middle School. To say there are differences between now and the fifties is the hugest understatement you will ever hear. As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, political correctness is responsible for accelerating that change. This article was initially posted in 2010 but I’ve updated it somewhat. Here are a few hypothetical scenarios showing the differences between then and now. When you first read them, you might think the scenarios are exaggerated to make a point. If you really look at it honestly you can also see how exaggerated, they aren’t.
* * *
Scenario 1
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2022 – School goes into immediate lock down, FBI and media are alerted, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called for all of the traumatized students and teachers. Media interviews replayed for days.
Scenario 2
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 – A crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2022 – Teachers alert the police, and the SWAT team arrives only moments before the Media — Johnny and Mark are arrested. They’re both charged with assault and expelled even though Johnny started it. The Media interviews experts on how to control the terrible violence in schools and they are replayed on numerous stations across the country.
Scenario 3
Jeffrey will not be quiet and well-behaved in class; he disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt the class again.
2022 – Jeffrey is immediately tested for ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie like creature. The family then applies to SSI, and Jeffrey is labeled “disabled”. The monthly government checks begin to arrive. The Media does a three-night special on the networks concerning the national pandemic of ADD and praises the benefits of Ritalin.
Scenario 4
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2022 – Neighbor’s immediately call the police. Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse; Billy is removed to a foster care facility for evaluation. He soon joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom then has an affair with the psychologist and makes a guest appearance on the Jerry Springer Show. Film at eleven!
Scenario 5
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache, and he feels much better.
2022 – Teachers immediately call police, and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations (zero tolerance). His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Media proclaims continued drug problems in the school systems and Oprah Winfrey does a two-hour special.
Scenario 6
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and then goes to college.
2022 – Teachers are concerned for Pedro and his cause is taken up by the state authorities. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.
Scenario 7
Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July and puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a nest of red ants.
1957 – Ants die.
2022 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called in. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism for mishandling explosives. The FBI investigates his parents – and all his siblings are removed from their home and all computers confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terrorism watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Protesters and morons picket the family home because they are against domestic terrorism. A dangerous traffic jam is created by all of the Media vans attempting to get a little face time on camera.
Scenario 8
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2022 – Other teachers and Johnny’s parents accuse Mary of being a sexual predator and she loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison and when released becomes a well-educated street walker. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and drugs and eventually finds God, shaves his head, and is now working full-time at the airport playing a tambourine.
* * *
Do you honestly think I exaggerated a bit? Some of this is certainly tongue-in-cheek but a lot of it isn’t. I’m glad of two things; one is that I’m not a kid attending school these days, and secondly, that my children would have been taught by me the basics on how to best survive liberal academics and their constant propagandizing.
In recent months the term “Fake News” has become popular. I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but “Fake News” has been around for a very long time. The younger generations think that they’ve discovered some outrageous political trick that never existed before they discovered it. As an example, many years ago my son (aged 13) came rushing to me all excited. He told me to sit down and listen to this great song. He told me it was being used on a TV commercial and it was the best song he ever heard. I sat down and he played it for me, and I just started grinning. The song he discovered was at that time already a golden oldie, it was the Righteous Brothers singing Unchained Melody. He was sure it was some group from his generation. “Fake News” is a new term, but it has always meant the same thing: lying, misrepresenting, and double speak. George Orwell has been proven right once again. Here are a few samples of so called “Fake News” from the past.
2003: President George W. Bush for his creative use of language in public statements regarding the reasons the United States needed to pursue war against Iraq.
2002: New York State Board of Regents for its politically correct and silent editing of state tests.
2000: The tobacco industry for its media blitz portraying tobacco companies as the benefactors of children, abused women and disaster victims. That is abusive language in pursuit of their right to sell a deadly drug.
1991: Department of Defense for obfuscation and jargon in euphemisms during the first Gulf War.
1990: President George Bush on wetlands, the Panama invasion, Tiananmen Square and the “No New Taxes” pledge.
1989: The Exxon Corporation for the “Exxon Valdez” oil spill obfuscation.
1985: The CIA for the Psychological Warfare Manual prepared for the Nicaraguan war.
1979: The nuclear power industry for its euphemisms and jargon during the 3-Mile Island accident.
1977: The Pentagon and the Energy Department for language cover-up of the neutron bomb development.
1975: Colonel David Opfer, USAF press officer in Cambodia for saying to reporters, after a raid, “You always write its bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing! It’s air support!
HERES MY FAKE NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT – “FAKE NEWS IS TRUE”
I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB so many times I can’t count. That was by friends and acquaintances who I got along with. Comments by others were often even worse. I love and live for sarcasm because it’s a subtle way to criticize or make fun of someone without conflict. The reason there’s no conflict is that most people haven’t a clue when someone is being sarcastic. They pretend to be amused but aren’t even sure why. Any time I find any information on sarcasm, and it’s uses, I buy it. Here are a few collected definitions of sarcasm you might enjoy and if they don’t make sense to you, find a sarcastic friend to explain them.
A CONSERVATIVE is someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
FAT is what you don’t realize you are getting until you have to suck in your gut even when you are lying down.
The CREDIT CARD is a small wallet sized device that finally made misery, ruin, and despair accessible to just about anyone.
A CUSTOMER is a person who once came first and was always right, and is now routinely ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at by the clueless, text messaging employees of most modern-day retail establishments. This has resulted in increased Internet commerce, wherein if the customer encounters a problem, he can simply call a toll-free number to get ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at.
A DOUGHNUT is a food created in response to the notion that if something has 20 grams of sugar, 25 grams of fat, and 425 calories, then it should be made available in groups of 12.
E-COMMERCE is a convenient way to make your bank account accessible to criminals without having to leave the comfort and safety of your own home.
EGO is the part of one’s mind that contains awareness in the sense of one’s own individuality. Highly developed in actors, models, sports figures, doctors, real estate tycoons, and God help us, our children.
EDGY describes an otherwise normal person or work of art deemed provocative or daring by virtue of a little profanity, self-mutilation, or both.
FAITH is a deeply personal, spiritual set of beliefs that provides for the option of engaging in endless, bloody civil war with anyone who has a different set of deeply personal, spiritual beliefs than you.
FASHION is something that a total of six people actually have time to follow. Which might explain why we keep seeing clips of runway models wearing some of the weirdest crap in the world, none of which ever makes it to your local Target.
This is just a short sampling of many hundreds of definitions that I’ve acquired. You’ll be seeing more of them in the future for sure.
Now that the holidays are behind us, it’s time to get rolling with trivia for 2022. I decided to restock my archives with some new and exciting trivia. I’ve been trolling the web and found 6 additional books with highly interesting, weird and strange trivia items. Let’s start with these fifteen to get this year’s started.
The German submarine, U-1206, sank in 1945 when it’s toilet was operated improperly.
Around 1 million gladiators lost their lives in the arena.
Nearly 1,500 different types of insects are eaten around the world.
Surgeons were drilling holes in people’s skulls in 6,000 B.C.
U.S. magician, Dorothy Dietrich, is the only woman to catch a fired bullet between her teeth.
The Bombardier beetle pelts enemies with a boiling, foul smelling liquid.
A Siamese cat in Russia weighed an astonishing 50 lbs. – the average weight of a 7-year-old girl.
In 1894, a shower of jellyfish fell on the city of Bath in England.
The last witch was burned in England in 1712.
Every day you shed around 500 million skin scales, 10 million of which carry bacteria.
Male vampire moths drill a feeding tube into human skin in order to suck up blood.
An earthworm excretes the equivalent of its body weight every day.
Three cyclists have died while competing in the Tour De France.
Tonsilloliths are small, yellow, foul smelling “stones” that live around the tonsils and cause bad breath.
Most people pass around 600 ml of gas a day in 14 farts.
I took it easy on you with these items. A have a host of others which are a bit more disgusting. I’ll send them along at a later date. Here’s an item concerning political correctness at its very best:
Roman Emperor Claudius (10 BC to AD 54) was said to have been so worried about people politely holding in their farts and being poisoned by them that he passed a law legalizing farting at feasts.
Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.
All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.
I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.
A NEW CENTURY DAWNS
MCKINLEY USHERS IN BOLD NEW COAL AGE
NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE
OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL
WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?
DEATH BY CORSET RATES STABILIZE AT ONE IN SIX
GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET
AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH
BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM
I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.
I’m about to do something I don’t normally do. That is to distribute information received from what might be considered a disgruntled and unhappy reader. A while ago I received an e-mail from this reader accusing me of being a neoconservative Neanderthal because he disagreed with me on some of my comments concerning political correctness running amok. I can’t argue the Neanderthal crack, but I’m no neoconservative, nor am I an independent, Republican or Democrat. I’m just a regular guy who believes in the spirit of fairness and freedom of speech. With that in mind here’s the list he emailed me (tongue-in-cheek, I hope) of politically correct terminology I should be using. If he truly used any of these nonsensical terms, he is no doubt a friendless New Age moron. Oh, sorry if I’m being too harsh. What can you expect from an effing Neanderthal? Here they are, I hope you enjoy them as much as I didn’t.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT – he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER – he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING – he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK – he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not ACT LIKE A TOTAL ASS – he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT – he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE OR A CHICK – she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER OR MOANER – she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB – she is ON A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK OR TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY – she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – she is PHYSICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU – she becomes OVERLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE – she is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
Well, there you have it. A collection of foolish politically correct nonsense from a A-hole Millennial before he knew he was one. Hard to believe he actually spent time compiling this crap although he probably just got it from one of his Millennial buddies. Standing up for free speech can sometimes get you stuck doing something like this. I do apologize.
everyuselessthing.com 