Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category
Installment eight continues this series of posts designed to promote discussion and thought through self-examination. I hope it’ll generate some interesting discussions between you, your friends, and partners. Without interesting people in our lives and a lack of interesting conversations things would become excruciatingly boring.
Also, for those of you who are interested, starting today this blog will no longer be posted daily. I’ve decided to cut back a little to allow for more time for other projects. It’s been more than twelve years of daily postings and I’ll miss that part of my routine. I’m immediately cutting back to three postings a week, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays beginning today. Now let’s get on with Self-Examination #8.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates
*****
- Do you usually make a special effort to thank someone who does you a favor? How do you react when you aren’t thanked for going out of your way for someone?
- Would you like to have your rate of physical aging slowed by a factor of thirty so as to give you a life expectancy of approximately 2000 years?
- You are invited to a party that will be attended by many fascinating people you’ve never met. Would you want to go if you had to go by yourself?
- Since adolescence, in what three-year period do you feel you experienced the most personal growth and change?
- If you were having difficulty on an important test and could safely cheat by looking at someone else’s paper, would you do so?
*****
- If your parents became infirm and the only alternative to bringing them into your house was to put them in a nursing home, would you do so? What about a sister or brother who suffered a permanently crippling injury and had nowhere to go?
- If you were at a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what would you do?
- If you could take a one-month trip to anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
- Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by five years to become extremely attractive?
- Given the ability to project yourself into the past but not return, would you do so? Where would you go and what would you try to accomplish if you knew you might change the course of history?
*****
- How many different sexual partners have you had in your life? Would you prefer to have had more or fewer?
- Have you ever considered suicide? What is so important to you that without it life would not be worth living?
- If your friends and acquaintances were willing to bluntly and honestly tell you what they really thought of you, would you want them to?
- If this country were to suffer an unprovoked nuclear attack and would be totally obliterated in a matter of minutes, would you favor unleashing the US nuclear arsenal upon the attackers?
- Would you accept $10,000 to shave your head and continue your normal activities without hat or wig without explaining the reason for the new haircut?
*****
ENJOY YOUR DAY
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I dedicate these limericks to all of the nurses I’ve known in my life and there’ve been a few. If there was ever a group that enjoyed naughty and lewd limericks, it’s them. Enjoy, all of you so-called nurse lovers.
🍆🍆🍆
An amorous writer of versus,
Was especially enamored of nurses.
But he found each advance.
In pursuit of romance
Met only with starchy reverses.
😷😷😷
A rosy cheeked nurse, from Dunellen,
Whom the Hoboken sailors called Helen,
In her efforts to please
Has spread social disease,
From New York to the Straits of Magellan!
🤕🤕🤕
There was a young nurse named Prentice,
Who had an affair with a dentist.
To make things easier,
He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, non-compos mentis.
🚑🚑🚑
An unfortunate nurse named Randall,
Hs the clap such as doctors can’t handle.
So, this forlorn young floozy
With her poor damaged coosie,
Must resume her delight with a candle.
🦽🦽🦽
A virginal nurse name of Lynne,
Shouted thus just before she gave in.
“It isn’t the deed,
Or the fear of the seed,
But that big worm that shedding its skin!”
❤️❤️❤️
WHO DOESN’T LIKE THE OCCASIONAL NURSE
LOL
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I’m fairly certain that most women in this county at one time or another have drooled over Brad Pitt. He’s been the epitome of male sexuality for many years and many women. I’ve even heard a large number of female celebrities gushing over him on the endless talk shows that fill the TV air. I’m also willing to bet he’s had his fill of the notoriety as reflected by some of his statements over the years. Thanks to Uncle John for supplying me with the following quotes of a few male celebrities who’ve stated, “I’m no Brad Pitt”.
- “I’m certainly not Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt.” Jason Stratham
- “The real challenge is if you don’t look super sexy, like Brad Pitt, you’re going to have to try harder.” Jack Black
- “If I could be anyone, it would be Brad Pitt.” David Fincher
- “I’m clearly not Brad Pitt, and I’m never going to be Brad Pitt.” Paul Giamatti
- “Unless you look like Brad Pitt, it’s really hard to have full control of your character.” Vincent Donofrio
- “No matter what heights you achieve, even if you are Brad Pitt, the slide is coming, sure as death and taxes.” James Caan
- “In this business, you’re either Brad Pitt right away, or you’re already going down the ladder.” Skeet Ulrich
- “For me, personally, I’m a 5’5″ leading man. I’m no Brad Pitt or anything.” Jeremy Luke
And last but not least a quote from the famous and handsome Brad Pitt.
“Heartthrobs are a dime a dozen.” Brad Pitt
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A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .
- How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
- Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
- Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
- What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
- Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!
- What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
- What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
- How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
- Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
- What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!
HAVE A RAUNCHY DAY!
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I’m a bit of a fanatic using quotes on many of my posts since I normally use them to further verify a point or opinion I’m trying to make. I’m a believer than even though many of the persons I quote are long dead, their opinions and thoughts are still valid. Human nature unfortunately doesn’t change all that much from one generation to another. Back in the day there were just as many annoying a-holes as there are today. The funny thing is they express their a-holeness in exactly the same way. This just further supports my use of them whenever I deem it necessary. Not all quotes are friendly and nice and there are just as many derogatory things said about damn near everyone as not. Let’s take a look at a few not so flattering quotes concerning men by a group of less than happy women.
- “A man is a creature with two legs and eight arms.” Jayne Mansfield
- “God created Adam. Then corrected her mistake.” Brooklyn Woman’s Bar Association
- “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” Charlotte Whitton
- “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Gloria Steinem
- “I married beneath me. All women do.” Nancy Astor
- “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” Anonymous
- “The man is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” Jilly Cooper, Cosmopolitan Magazine
- “I require three things on the man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.” Dorothy Parker
- “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
- “Adam came first, but men always do.” Anonymous
THE WAR OF THE SEXES CONTINUES
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I just received a request from a reader to post something lighthearted and fun for a change. Since I’m neither lighthearted nor funny, I did some research and found a small paperback book hidden on a bookshelf behind some others. It’s titled Raunchy Riddles and after reading a few entries I know why it was hidden. I suppose it could be considered lighthearted and funny but that would be stretching the truth a little. This is 1980’s humor at its absolute worst. This post is dedicated to that foolish reader who requested it. Here we go!
- What do you use to make a pickle cake? Dill Dough!
- What would you call a sex change in Puerto Rico? A hole in Juan!
- What’s the best thing to do if you’re on a date with an annoying nymphomaniac? Give her a vibrator and tell her to buzz off!
- What happened to the couple that met through the social disease hotline? They lived “herpily ever after!”
- What’s the best part of a porno movie? The coming attractions!
- What should you do if your date won’t make love with the lights on? Close the car door!
- What did one boob say to the other? “We’d better stop hanging so low, they’ll think we’re nuts!”
- What happens if a lady golfer gets hit with a golf ball between the first and the second hole? It doesn’t leave a lot of room for the Band-Aid!
- How did the four guys carry the huge drunken fat girl out of the bar? Two abreast!
- What’s a hamburger kiss? Between the buns!
There you have it folks, some of the worst humor of the mid-1980s. The more I read the fewer I decided to post and believe it or not the above ten were the least objectionable I could find. So, to my lighthearted and funny reader, in the future be careful what you ask for. One last lighthearted tidbit just for you . . .
What’s the difference between a midget detective agency and a lady’s track team?
A midget detective agency is a cunning bunch of runts!
GOTTA LOVE THE 80’S
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These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!
I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.
- Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
- Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
- Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
- Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
- Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)
💥💥💥
- No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
- Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
- Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
- Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
💥💥💥
There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
Drive Safe
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It’s important to maintain a sense of humor with all of the anticipated stresses of these holidays. Here are two quotes and a hilarious joke that will hopefully put a smile on your face. Enjoy . . .
***
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then so she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves, and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
***
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple
***
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it: “I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she’d been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
***
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There’s no doubt that other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
***
WE ALL NEED A LAUGH – IT’S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY
3 DAYS LEFT
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As I’m sure you all know, people love beer. With the holidays coming up I assume that all of you beer fanatics out there will be hoisting a few cold ones while watching many of your favorite football games. I’m not a beer person but I’m sure if you consume enough it will make for an even happier holiday season. I understand it also helps, if done properly, to “zone out” all of the miscellaneous holiday conversations you would normally be required to respond to. I’ve been told many times by friends and acquaintances alike that “beer is better than women”. This posting was sent to me by a friend, but it should be read primarily by the men. I’m sure a few beer drinking women will be up in arms over this post but please don’t kill the messenger. I’m just forwarding this along to the men out there who will be in need of some comic relief in the coming months.
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
When beer goes flat, you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
Beer never has a headache.
A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
If you pour beer right, you’ll always get good head.
A beer always goes down easy.
A beer is always wet.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
Beer doesn’t care when you come.
You always know if you’re the first one pop a beer.
Hell, I think I’m having a beer induced epiphany. After reading all of this interesting information I just might have to try a beer or two over the holidays. I never realized just how much better beer was than women until I read this list. As an aside ladies, if you think this list was misleading or untrue, I welcome any contributions from all of you as to why beer is better than men.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS LADIES
LOL
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I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”
🥰🥰🥰
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said “If you must know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle.
🫤🫤🫤
A religious young lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”
😎😎😎
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
🍆🍩🍆
NUFF SAID
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