I’m not much of a celebrity watcher but I understand that many of you are. Todays post is a list of fifteen items of totally useless information (EUT) about a variety of celebs from a number of different decades. Here we go . . .
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Mae West (my favorite) was born in Greenpoint Brooklyn.
Clint Eastwood once pumped gas while a student on the G.I. Bill at LA City College.
Actress Angelina Jolie is the goddaughter of Jacqueline Bisset.
People Magazine named their first “Sexiest Man Alive” in 1985. It was Mel Gibson.
Brad Pitt was born in Shawnee ,Oklahoma.
Tom Cruise once attended a seminary to become a Catholic priest.
Actor Nicholas Cage is the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola.
Diane Keaton was a member of the original cast of Hair.
Actress Natalie Portman was discovered by a scout in a pizza parlor in1991.
Brittany Spears and Jason Allen were married for less than a day.
Tom Cruise is dyslexic.
Actor Michael Douglas flunked out of college.
Mia Farrow was on the cover of the first issue of People Magazine in 1974.
Sara Michelle Gellar was once a competitive figure skater.
Actor Dustin Hoffman once worked as a toy salesman at Macy’s.
In my humble opinion the most important thing a person can have is a healthy sense of humor. Without that a person loses most of their true personality and likeability. In the worst of times being able to “crack wise” and smile a little goes a long way to calm any situation. I constantly post quotations because they tell me more about a person than meeting them in person and having a casual conversation. Even people who I really don’t care for occasionally surprise me with their quotes and a few times I actually forgave them their stupidity and changed my opinion of them. That sounds a little harsh but all of us have the capability of being harsh, crass, and opinionated and still have thoughts worth sharing. Todays post contains quotations from some of my favorite people: comedians.
“Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.” Rodney Dangerfield
“It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from it’s mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.” Jay Leno
“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin
“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.” Steven Wright
“I am at two with nature.” Woody Allen
“Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.” Rosanne Barr
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again”. Joan Rivers
“My plastic surgeon told me my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.” Phyllis Diller
“When I meet a man I ask myself, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” Rita Rudner
“In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts.” Johnny Carson
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BONUS FOR RETIREES
“Sex after ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in it’s holder is a thrill.”
I have to admit that most of my readers are rather particular about the limericks I post. Of all of my posts, the dirtiest limericks seem to get the most views while the readership lessens considerably the cleaner the limericks become. That should tell me something about my readers but I’m not actually sure what that is. Todays offerings contain some really old limericks that concern sexual DISEASES. That’s all I’m saying, see what you think.
I’m a consistent user of quotations. Sometimes they’re funny and other times they only assist my poor writings to make them seem more pertinent. Todays post contains a variety of quotes from a host of known and unknown writers. Some are funny and some not so funny. You may recognize the names of the authors and maybe you won’t. It’s not really about the authors but what they’ve written. Even people who are not well known actually have the ability to say some truly profound things.
“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.” Elaine Boosler
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk Bone shorts.” Kelly Allen
“Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” T.S. Eliot
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason – there’s a reason.” Molly McGee
“The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.” Rebecca West
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“The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married and the married wish to be dead.” Ann Landers
“Canadians should come down to California and take the jobs away from our Mexicans.” Stanley Ralph Ross
“Politics is a means of preventing people from taking part in what properly concerns them.” Paul Valery
Wise men talk because they have somethin to say; fools talk because they have to say something. Plato
“A good husband is healthy and absent.” Japanese Proverb
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“My cat shit on my last painting. Should I take it personally?”
Are you ready for a new batch of disturbing, disgusting, and naughty limericks? One of my biggest problems in posting limericks is that I have thousands of them available but in most cases they are extremely difficult to categorize. I made the ultimate sacrifice recently and forced myself to read hundreds of limericks and to try and establish some sort of categories. Todays post will include limericks concerning Sex Substitutes. These will be copied directly from my collections with rather blunt, off-color, and the occasional appropriate profanity. These will be rated “R”, so keep the youngsters away. Lets get rolling . . .
I hate to admit it but I seem to have had a life-long addictive personality disorder. For more than fifteen years I was dangerously addicted to cigarettes and it took a fast ride to a hospital in an ambulance to convince me to stop smoking once and for all. Over the intervening years I developed minor addictions to marijuana, Scotch whiskey, potato chips, ice cream, and a dozen other small unimportant matters. I thought after all of my many years I had finally won the battle against worthless and annoying addictions but once again I was wrong. Since retirement I’ve discovered two of my newest and bothersome addictions: Amazon and The Internet.
If your not as mobile as you once were (due to old age) as I am currently, the Internet is eye opening in its wide range of idiots, morons, scammers and its endless supply of bullshit artists to keep me occupied for the foreseeable future. My window on the world is very small now and truly annoying but it’s all I have. My better-half has joined the ranks of the addicted and spends a lot of her time researching endless gardening information sites and searching for odd and strange recipes to make my dining a real adventure.
We live in an area that requires us to take special steps just to have just a working cell phone and Internet connection. Without that connection we’d have no television, no Internet, and no W-Fi. Since GPS doesn’t work very well in this area either I hope I never have a life threatening emergency. If I do I will die a really pissed off customer. Unfortunately an incident occurred earlier this week that started another round of craziness when we lost all Internet and Wi-Fi signals. My better-half found it necessary to drive our car for two miles to get a usable wi-fi signal, and then spent a half hour trying to find a human being to talk with about our continuing problem. All of these company computers and personnel still can’t seem to ever answer our most important question “Why isn’t this damn system working?”. When it was all said and done we had to wait two more hours for a repairman to show up at our home. They had us checking OUR equipment because their computer assured them that everything was operational on their end. They still forgot that one important thing again: WHY WE STILL DIDN’T HAVE ANY DAMN INTERNET, NO DAMN WIFI, AND NO DAMN TELEPHONE SERVICE. I suggested to the repairman that maybe it was their equipment and not ours.
Frustrating, YOU BET. Come to find out we’d been given a low level (cheap) modem when we began their service contract a year ago and that modem was apparently faulty. All of our troubles magically disappeared a few minutes later when the repairman plugged in a newer and updated modem. Here’s the kicker. As I watched all of my equipment humming along and finally running fine and saw that Internet entry screen reappear, I found my face a little flushed, had a huge rush of adrenaline, and a strange tingling all over my body. It was my introduction to my latest and scariest addiction ever – computer driven orgasms. Now I can have an illicit affair with my hardrive whenever I want or need to. Isn’t technology wonderful? LOL
I’ve been watching hundreds of Europeans since the World Cup ended who seem to be quite taken with the USA and especially all things Texas. Here’s another little gift directly from the wild, wild, west to all of those visitors. Even our limericks rock . . . .
I’m feeling a little calmer and relaxed after resolving all of my recent computer woes. What better way to begin another week than with a few limericks from one of my favorite limerick writers, John Ciardi. He was renowned far and wide for his limerick wars with Isaac Azimov. Enjoy some of his work.
I wasn’t sure I’d be posting today since my best and fastest computer stopped cooperating a few days ago. With the assistance of my better-half, some written instructions from my nephew (who built it), and three or four thousand juicy curse words, I’m once again operational. A tip for those of you who may have computer issues of your own: RULE 1 – do not drink shots of whiskey while attempting to relocate and adjust tiny little switches in the computer. It slows down the progress immensely. Along with that my better-half found out just how skilled I was at stringing those curse words together. Her training continues. LOL Todays post is titled BIZARRE for a reason.
Katherine Hepburn suffered from a phobia of dirty hair. When she was shooting films for Twentieth Century Fox, she would sniff the heads of cast and crew to make sure their hair was squeaky clean.
In Vermont it is illegal to whistle underwater.
Pennsylvania law books record a 1971 case of a man suing Satan – for his own bad luck and downfall. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds that Satan did not live in the state of Pennsylvania.
Don’t ever fall asleep in a bath tub in Detroit. You could be arrested because sleeping in bathtubs is illegal in the city.
“You have to be saved to get into heaven . . . you only have to be you to get into hell.” Marilyn Manson
In the ancient city of Jericho the dead were buried under the houses they lived in. But first their heads were severed, covered with plaster and clay, and decorated for their families to worship.
Catherine, wife of Russian czar Peter I, had a wandering eye, and Peter caught on. To teach Catherine a lesson, he forced her to watch her lover be killed, then pickled the lover’s head and kept it in their bedroom.
In the 17th century, midwives had a custom of saving a woman’s afterbirth, or placenta, and then burning it. The superstition was that the number of times the burning placenta popped indicated the number of children the mother could expect in the future.
For decades sports stars have claimed that appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine was the fastest way to a slump or defeat.
When John Madden was the coach of the Oakland Raiders football team, he wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen had belched.
It’s almost too effing hot to do anything. I’m hiding in the man-cave with the fans roaring and it sounds more like an airport runway than a man-cave. It’s as good a day as any to post more of my favorite things: limericks. I normally post limericks by category but not today. Here are a few chosen totally at random from the archives.
