I hate to admit it but I seem to have had a life-long addictive personality disorder. For more than fifteen years I was dangerously addicted to cigarettes and it took a fast ride to a hospital in an ambulance to convince me to stop smoking once and for all. Over the intervening years I developed minor addictions to marijuana, Scotch whiskey, potato chips, ice cream, and a dozen other small unimportant matters. I thought after all of my many years I had finally won the battle against worthless and annoying addictions but once again I was wrong. Since retirement I’ve discovered two of my newest and bothersome addictions: Amazon and The Internet.
If your not as mobile as you once were (due to old age) as I am currently, the Internet is eye opening in its wide range of idiots, morons, scammers and its endless supply of bullshit artists to keep me occupied for the foreseeable future. My window on the world is very small now and truly annoying but it’s all I have. My better-half has joined the ranks of the addicted and spends a lot of her time researching endless gardening information sites and searching for odd and strange recipes to make my dining a real adventure.
We live in an area that requires us to take special steps just to have just a working cell phone and Internet connection. Without that connection we’d have no television, no Internet, and no W-Fi. Since GPS doesn’t work very well in this area either I hope I never have a life threatening emergency. If I do I will die a really pissed off customer. Unfortunately an incident occurred earlier this week that started another round of craziness when we lost all Internet and Wi-Fi signals. My better-half found it necessary to drive our car for two miles to get a usable wi-fi signal, and then spent a half hour trying to find a human being to talk with about our continuing problem. All of these company computers and personnel still can’t seem to ever answer our most important question “Why isn’t this damn system working?”. When it was all said and done we had to wait two more hours for a repairman to show up at our home. They had us checking OUR equipment because their computer assured them that everything was operational on their end. They still forgot that one important thing again: WHY WE STILL DIDN’T HAVE ANY DAMN INTERNET, NO DAMN WIFI, AND NO DAMN TELEPHONE SERVICE. I suggested to the repairman that maybe it was their equipment and not ours.
Frustrating, YOU BET. Come to find out we’d been given a low level (cheap) modem when we began their service contract a year ago and that modem was apparently faulty. All of our troubles magically disappeared a few minutes later when the repairman plugged in a newer and updated modem. Here’s the kicker. As I watched all of my equipment humming along and finally running fine and saw that Internet entry screen reappear, I found my face a little flushed, had a huge rush of adrenaline, and a strange tingling all over my body. It was my introduction to my latest and scariest addiction ever – computer driven orgasms. Now I can have an illicit affair with my hardrive whenever I want or need to. Isn’t technology wonderful? LOL
I’ve been watching hundreds of Europeans since the World Cup ended who seem to be quite taken with the USA and especially all things Texas. Here’s another little gift directly from the wild, wild, west to all of those visitors. Even our limericks rock . . . .
I’m feeling a little calmer and relaxed after resolving all of my recent computer woes. What better way to begin another week than with a few limericks from one of my favorite limerick writers, John Ciardi. He was renowned far and wide for his limerick wars with Isaac Azimov. Enjoy some of his work.
I wasn’t sure I’d be posting today since my best and fastest computer stopped cooperating a few days ago. With the assistance of my better-half, some written instructions from my nephew (who built it), and three or four thousand juicy curse words, I’m once again operational. A tip for those of you who may have computer issues of your own: RULE 1 – do not drink shots of whiskey while attempting to relocate and adjust tiny little switches in the computer. It slows down the progress immensely. Along with that my better-half found out just how skilled I was at stringing those curse words together. Her training continues. LOL Todays post is titled BIZARRE for a reason.
Katherine Hepburn suffered from a phobia of dirty hair. When she was shooting films for Twentieth Century Fox, she would sniff the heads of cast and crew to make sure their hair was squeaky clean.
In Vermont it is illegal to whistle underwater.
Pennsylvania law books record a 1971 case of a man suing Satan – for his own bad luck and downfall. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds that Satan did not live in the state of Pennsylvania.
Don’t ever fall asleep in a bath tub in Detroit. You could be arrested because sleeping in bathtubs is illegal in the city.
“You have to be saved to get into heaven . . . you only have to be you to get into hell.” Marilyn Manson
In the ancient city of Jericho the dead were buried under the houses they lived in. But first their heads were severed, covered with plaster and clay, and decorated for their families to worship.
Catherine, wife of Russian czar Peter I, had a wandering eye, and Peter caught on. To teach Catherine a lesson, he forced her to watch her lover be killed, then pickled the lover’s head and kept it in their bedroom.
In the 17th century, midwives had a custom of saving a woman’s afterbirth, or placenta, and then burning it. The superstition was that the number of times the burning placenta popped indicated the number of children the mother could expect in the future.
For decades sports stars have claimed that appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine was the fastest way to a slump or defeat.
When John Madden was the coach of the Oakland Raiders football team, he wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen had belched.
It’s almost too effing hot to do anything. I’m hiding in the man-cave with the fans roaring and it sounds more like an airport runway than a man-cave. It’s as good a day as any to post more of my favorite things: limericks. I normally post limericks by category but not today. Here are a few chosen totally at random from the archives.
Today I’d like to talk about marriage. It always seems like a topic that everyone has an opinion on and so do I. As far as I can see there are no real experts on marriage. If there were they couldn’t possibly explain why a little more than fifty percent of all marriages fail miserably. I have the right to speak on this subject because I’ve been married twice and divorced twice. I married for sex initially (bad move) and then married for love (or so I thought), (another bad move). Do I have solutions for this trend – I do not. As best I can determine getting married is much like going to Las Vegas and losing everything you own and then complaining about Las Vegas for ruining your life. I’m currently unmarried and my better-half and I have been together for almost thirty years. That just tells me when it’s the right person, life can be good.
Todays post will cite a number of well known celebs on their thoughts on marriage. This should convince you that they have no clue either. Here we go . . .
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde
“The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” S.T. Coleridge
“Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.” George Bernard Shaw
“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.” Johnny Carson
“If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.” Anton Chekhov
“Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.” Phyllis Diller
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” Sam Kenison
“It’s true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, “Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then”. Lyle Lovett – after marrying Julia Roberts
“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.” Leonardo da Vinci
My Fav
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, then you lose interest.” Irwin Corey
I recently began rereading Isaac Azimov’s “The Foundation Series“. I’ve read it at least four or five times over the years which probably makes me a crazy rabid Azimov fan. Since I’ve lately reintroduced him to my brain, todays post will include a few of his limericks. While he was a prolific writer of books, he was also a lover of all things limerick. In company with a friend and fellow writer, John Ciardi, they’ve written hundreds of limericks both funny and many times a little bawdy. Here are a few to make you smile.
I know this will make some of you jealous especially the male readers. I’ve been lucky enough to acquire a wonderful little booklet published in 2000 filled with hundreds of quotes and other tidbits of wit and wisdom by some of our most famous women. I try to keep things interesting on this blog by gathering information from all sides of the human equation. Here are a few samples from the distaff side of things.
“In nine cases out of ten, the woman had better show more affection than she feels.” Jane Austen 1813
“Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.” Aphra Behn 1687
“Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all – the apathy of human beings.” Helen Keller 1927
“If all men are born free, how is it that all women are born slaves?” Mary Astell 1706
“To be a king and wear a crown is more glorious to them that see it than it is a pleasure to them that bear it.” Queen Elizabeth I 1923
Queen Elizabeth I
“If I didn’t start painting, I would have raised chickens.” Grandma Moses 1947
“Always be smarter than the people who hire you.” Lena Horne 1985
“The person who publishes a book willfully appears before the populace with his pants down.” Edna St. Vincent Millay 1986
“Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit’em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mocking bird.” Harper Lee 1960
“Truth is such a rare thing, it is delightful to tell it.” Emily Dickinson 1870
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Here is one of my favorite quotes from a successful and feisty long-running actress.
I’ve been a lover of books since a very early age. The term bibliophile meant nothing to me back then. The first real book I ever read cover-to-cover occurred in 1952 at the ripe old age of 7. I was walking from the school bus a mile and a half to my home. Along the way I passed a neighbors house and noticed a number of large cardboard boxes filled with all sorts of things which had been placed there for a trash pickup the next morning. I noticed an old worn book sticking out of one of those boxes, pulled it out, and it was titled 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne. I read a few lines from page one and was hooked. The book went into my bag and I couldn’t put it down and finished reading it in just two days. That book changed my life because I was forced to read it with a dictionary in one hand and the book in the other. There were so many words I’d never seen or heard before and it made the entire process a major learning experience not just for reading but also how to properly use a dictionary. The one unpronounceable word that has stuck with me ever since was rendezvous. For quite some time I pronounced it as “ren-dez-e-vos” and not “ron-de-voo“. Many thanks to my mom for explaining that to me and even now when I hear or see that word it takes me right back to 1952 once again.
Todays post contains the titles of ten obscure books published in the far past concerning everyone’s favorite topic: SEX. They are hilarious and can only be truly appreciated by a dedicated bibliophile. Are you one? Do you want to become one? I highly recommend it.
Is Pleasure Worth the Penalty – Henry Butter 1866
The Girdle of Chastity – Eric John Dingwall 1931
Training of the Young in Laws of Sex – Hon. Edward Lyttelton 1900
In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
How to Pickup Girls on a Public Beaches – Raleigh Leo Stanley 1982
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Bullying and Sexual Harassment: A Practical Study – Tina Stephens and Jane Hallas 2006
Happy Though Married – Sophia Gertrude Wurtz 1922
A Kiss for a Blow – Henry Clark Wright 1920
Heroic Virgins – Alfonso P. Santos 1977
History of the Girls’ Friendly Society – Agnes L. Money 1897
BONUS – My Fav
Wed to a Lunatic – A wild weird yarn of love and some other things delivered in the form of hash for the benefit of tired readers – Frank Warren Hastings 1896
everyuselessthing.com 