Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category
I’m having a day of total confusion. The sun is shining brightly but the temperature remains in the forties. I desperately want to begin using the deck to relax and read a book but it’s hard when you’re wearing gloves and two layers of clothing. Now I’m back at the computer and deciding which limericks I’ll be using. There’s no theme to these limericks just five that tickled my fancy and I hope they do the same for you.
💥
There once was a son-of-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And screw to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-bitch.
💥💥
There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn,
Though he diddled his best,
And screwed her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
💥💥💥
There was a young man man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question’s not woody but could he?
❤️❤️❤️
And here’s a favorite for those avid readers out there.
📕📗📘📙
There’s a young lady in Tobruk
Who refers to her pussy as a nook.
It’s deep and it’s wide,
You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
HAPPY ALMOST SPRING
💗💗💗
As a youngster I was easily impressed by just about everything. Being that impressionable had it’s pitfalls and Mae West was one of my first. She won me over with her outrageous sense of humor, her “I don’t give a shit” attitude, and that buxom body. I loved watching her short but outrageous appearances on TV and her movies with W.C. Fields were next level hysterical. She was also a well known comedian, singer, screenwriter, and playwright. She remained bawdy and outrageous well into her late eighties as she strutted her stuff and was always accompanied by two large muscular young men. She passed away on November 27, 1980 and the world lost a unique and exciting woman. Todays post is a short collection of some of her most colorful quotes and a few photos. I still miss the old girl.
“It’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the the life in your men.”
“It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
“When I’m good, I’m very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.”
“Good sex is like good bridge,. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”
“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
❤️❤️❤️
JUST READING THESE QUOTES BRINGS HER RIGHT BACK
I think most of us consider ourselves “foodies”. People ridicule me at times because I claim foodiness but for them I haven’t got the experience with the more “la-de-dah” types of foods. It’s also their kind way of putting me in my place. They still don’t seem to realize it just gives me more interesting ammunition when writing this blog. Todays post will be ten trivia questions about food that are a little more difficult than usual. I’ll be challenging my foodie critics to score more than five correct answers. The real answers will be listed below. I hope you have fun with it and I also hope those snobby critics don’t.
- What novelty salt shakers did publishing czar William Randolph Hearst have on the refectory table in the dining room of his San Simeon estate?
- How many different animal shapes are there in the “Animal Crackers” cookie zoo?
- Who said “Never eat more than you can lift”?
- Who first developed frozen food?
- In what country was the beverage we know as punch originate?
- Drupes are a regular part of the American diet. What are they?
- What was the name of the breakfast cereal Cheerios when it was first marketed 50 years ago?
- What popular fruit was named after a papal estate outside Rome?
- What was the first coffee sold in sealed tin cans in the United States?
- What popular lunch and snack food did a St. Louis doctor develop in 1890 for patients requiring an easily digested form of protein?
🐫🐫🐫
BONUS QUESTION
What food product was discovered because of a long camel ride?
🍓🥕🥒🍊🫐
Answers
Mickey & Minnie Mouse shakers, Eighteen, Miss Piggy, Clarence Birdseye in 1930, India, Succulent usually single-pitted fruit (plums, apricots, peaches almonds, and olives etc.), Cheerioats (the name was changed because of complaints from the Quaker Oats Co.), Cantaloupe (named after the popes summer residence), Chase & Sanborn 1879, Peanut Buter – Patented by Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, BONUS – Cottage Cheese – The milk in a hot goatskin bag turned white and tasty.
A few days ago I was listening to a stand-up comic on-line making jokes about the cost of women’s products he found in his wife’s vanity. He claimed to be utterly shocked that she spent $80.00 for a small vial of some magic ointment that would make her feel younger and better about herself. He made me laugh a lot but then I got to thinking. How did those products develop and where? Todays post may help you understand where it all started and who is to blame. LOL
Cosmetics and Makeup – 8,ooo years ago in Egypt.
Eye Makeup -4000 B.C. – Again from Egypt
Rouge, Face Powder, Lipstick – 4000 B.C. from the Greeks
Beaty Patches & Compacts – 17th Century Europe
Nail Polish – Pre-3000 B.C. from China
Creams, Oils, Moisturizers – 3000 B..C. from once again those damn Egyptians.
The Mirror – 3500 B.C. from Mesopotamia
Hair Styling – 1500 B.C. from Assyria
Cold Cream – 2nd Century from Rome
Modern Hair Coloring – 1909 from France
Wigs – 3000 B.C. – again from Egypt
Hair Pins – 10,000 Years Ago – from Asia
Hair Dryer – 1920 – Wisconsin, USA
The Comb – Pre-4000 B.C. from Asia and Africa
Perfume – Pre-6000 B.C. from the Middle and Far East
Cologne – 1709 from Germany
And then . . .
The Avon Company – 1886 from New York USA
🪞AND NOW WE KNOW🪞
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
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1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
💥💥
1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
There was a young bounder named Link
Who possessed a very tart dink.
To sweeten it some
He steeped it in rum,
And now he’s driven the ladies to drink.
❤️❤️❤️
AAH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Okay everyone, say goodbye to March. It certainly won’t be missed with it’s sucky weather patterns and frigid cold which seems to last forever. My really big and repeating bitch is the local snowplow driver who once again sent my mailbox flying into the neighbors yard in pieces. That’s happened twice this winter and once while I was standing nearby. The mailbox will need to be replaced again which is nothing new, we replaced it four times in the last seven years. Enough of my whining lets get to some hopefully interesting but odd facts.
- When you receive a kidney transplant, the doctors usually leave the original kidney inside of you.
- There are 80,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ways to arrange a deck of cards.
- Studies suggest that placebos work even when the subject knows they are taking a placebo.
- The darkest substance known is called “vantablack” and it absorbs 99.965% of all visible light.
- A dying someone once actually left a cat an inheritance of 12.5 million dollars.
- If you ate natural wasabi, you wouldn’t find it spicy. For spiciness it must be crushed.
- Nuclear fallout was once measured in “sunshine units”.
- Some blind humans are capable of echolocation.
- In the 1800’s, a man proclaimed himself emperor of the United States and issued his own currency.
- The Declaration of Independence was written on animal skin.
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FUNNY AND UNCONFIRMED
Reports suggest that during the cold war, the CIA planned to demoralize the soviet people by air dropping thousands of magnum-sized American condoms labeled “Small”. (I certainly hope this isn’t true but you never know with the CIA involved.)
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
❤️❤️❤️
If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
❤️❤️❤️
And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
❤️❤️❤️
Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
WHO DOESN’T LOVE THOSE OLD ROMANTIC BRITS
I collect odd and unusual books and it’s not often I get truly surprised but it finally happened. I stumbled upon a book titled Bizarre Books – A Compendium of Classical Oddities. It lists in great detail some of the weirdest book titles, subtitles, and authors names I’ve ever seen. Over the next few months I’ll pick out a topic and list some of the titles mentioned in this book that apply. To start I’ve chosen a topic that will spice things up a little, Sex & Marriage. As you will see the human obsession with sex is nothing new. Here we go . . .
- Seven Wives and Seven Prisons – The life of a Matrimonial Monomaniac – L.A. Abbott 1870
- Shipping Semen? How to have a Successful Experience – Pennie Ahmed 1998
- Sex + Sex = Gruppensex – Ruediger Bosschmann 1970
- Orgasmus and Super-Orgasmus – Stephenson Verlag 1972
- Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages – Victor T. Cheney 2003
- How to Pickup Women in Discos – Don Diebel 1981
- Straight Talk About Surgical Penis Enlargement – Gary M. Griffin 1991
- The External Genitalia of Japanese Females – Kanji Kasai 1995
- In and Out and Up and Down – Jo L.G. McMahon 1922
- High-Performance Stiffened Structures – Bury St. Edmunds 2000
❤️❤️❤️
MY FAV
A Kiss for a Blow – Henry Clark Wright – Undated
SPECIAL THANKS TO RUSSELL ASH & BRIAN LAKE
The Bible is the most stolen book in the world despite its message containing the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,”. It’s a fact! Not only is it stolen from book stores and libraries it is also shoplifted in large numbers from just about anywhere. In it’s blatant attempt to teach and scare the hell out most Christians it also finds it necessary to describe in great detail many of mans most questionable habits. Todays post will test your biblical trivia knowledge concerning one of my favorite topics, “prostitutes”. The answers will be listed below.
- Who went on a killing spree when their sister Dinah was treated like a prostitute?
- Where did the prostitute Rahab live?
- What judge of Israel was a prostitutes son?
- What prophet did the Lord tell about two prostitutes named Oholah & Oholibah?
- What character in a parable wasted his money on prostitutes?
- What epistle warns Christians against patronizing prostitutes?
- According to Jesus what prophet had prostitutes and tax collectors as followers?
- Who ordered his daughter-in-law Tamar burned because she had acted like a prostitute?
- What king served as judge when two prostitutes fought over a child?
- Who had a vision of a prostitute with a city’s name engraved on her head?
✝️✝️✝️
BONUS:
According to tradition, what follower of Jesus had been a prostitute,
though the Bible does not refer to her as one?
✡️✡️✡️
Answers
Levi & Simeon (Genesis 34:25-31), Jericho (Joshua 2:1-6), Jephthah (Judges 11:1), Ezekiel ((23:1-21), The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:30), 1 Corinthians (6:15-16), John the Baptist (Matthew 21:32), Judah (Genesis 38:24), Solomon (1 Kings 3:16), John (Revelation 17:5), BONUS Mary Magdalene
Now that my never-ending retro trivia posts have been completed, it’s time to return to my first love those funny and bawdy LIMERICKS. As I’ve always said, I love limericks and I also love history. I’ve decided today to combine the two with a few limericks made famous during the World War II era. I assume some of these may have been written by a few GI’s but I can’t be sure. I find it refreshing that even during the worst war we’ve ever experienced, a sense of humor was still maintained. Some of these might be considered a little much for younger children. Be warned!
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O Soldiers come back to us clean!
Wear rubbers – you know what I mean.
Thou I’d very much ruther
You’d bugger each other
Than any French whore that I’ve seen.
💥💥
A lady of doubtful nativity,
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity.
She could sit on the lap
Of a Nazi or Jap
And detect Fifth Column activity.
💥💥💥
A slant-eyed young girl from Peking
Said of the Rape of Nanking,
“Every Jap in North China
Has explored my vagina,
It’s so sore I can’t pee through the thing.”
💥💥💥💥
In the Army and Navy the toast is
To the talented USO hostess
Who was diddled and screwed
While she tried to conclude
Which service she really liked mostest.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
🪖WAR TIME SENSE OF HUMOR🪖
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