Archive for August 2013

08-30-2013   Leave a comment

Have you ever just been standing around people watching and wondering about things?  I have.  Do certain things you see and hear make you wonder what the hell is going on?  I thought it only right that I look into some of these matter because they bother the hell out of me.

Take a moment and come  up with a few of your own.  They are every where it seems and no one has any answers as to why.

  • Why is it that women show up at Walmart in a pink sweat-suit that’s two sizes too small with “Hot & Juicy” stitched across the butt?
  • Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darken our skin?
  • Why can’t women put on mascara without opening their mouths?
  • Why are they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
  • Why must you click on "Start" to stop Windows 7?
  • Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
  • Why haven’t we ever seen the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  • Why does a fiftyish man have a comb over more than 5 inches long and things no one notices?
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • What possesses a person to paint his house pink?
  • Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Why aren’t planes made from the same material used for the indestructible black boxes ?
  • Why did they ever decide to name the airport "The Terminal"?
  • What thought process occurs to cause an beautiful and intelligent young lady to streak her hair red and pierce her nose in three different places?
  • Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food and what person tastes dog food when it has a "New & Improved" flavor?
  • Why do they bother to sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?

Who can answer these questions?  I need some answers and I need them now?  How can I be convinced that your basic average human being is intelligent and right-thinking when I see hundreds of these types of things every week. It just doesn’t fill me with much confidence that the human race can survive itself.  It’s just more than a little scary.

Advertisements

08-29-2013   Leave a comment

CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION

It’s time for two more lessons from those super dedicated and intelligent teachers from Every Useless Thing University.  The source of endless supplies of knowledge mostly forgotten by the every-day citizen.  Take detailed notes because our tests are tough and the failure rate has been climbing in recent years. 

* * *

Lesson #9 – What is Snot and Why is it Sometimes Green?

Snot is a slang term for mucus, a thin and slippery material comprising musins and inorganic salts suspended in water that’s produced by the mucous membranes inside the nose. It serves to moisten and protect the nose and throat while also trapping inhaled foreign matter, keeping it in the nose and thus preventing dangerous particles and germs from reaching the lungs, where they could cause damage. Mucus surrounds any foreign matter that is trapped and dries around it, producing a hardened piece of snot.

Mucus production is normal and healthy, but increased production in the respiratory tract is often a sign of a disease, such as the common cold.

When snot appears green or yellow, this is usually because the body has a bacterial infection, causing it to produce thick mucus containing pus excreted by the bacteria. When the body’s immune system detects the infection, it produces an enzyme called myeloperoxidase, which kills the bacteria in the mucus and expels it through the nose.

The nose produces almost a cupful of snot every day.

* * *

Lesson #10 – Does Penis Size Vary by Race?

The penis sizes of men are frequently discussed and joked about. A large penis is coveted by many, considered a symbol of masculinity and thought to be an attractive quality to women. The size of a man’s penis is influenced by a number of factors, such as cold temperatures, which generally reduce the size of the flaccid penis to a lack of blood flow causing it to shrink.

One study found that the average length of the stretched, flaccid penis was 5.2 inches for White men, 5.7 inches Black men, and 4.2 inches for Asian men. Another study, meanwhile, found the average length of the unstretched, flaccid penis is 4 inches for White men and 4.3 for Black men. Black men’s penises were also found to be longer when erect, but only by 1 inch, while their circumferences were found to be in average 0.1 inch larger.

On the basis of these studies it is evident that the average black man’s penis is larger than the average white man’s which is in turn is larger than the average Asian man’s. Corroborating the latter part of this conclusion is a further finding that American condoms are 7.1 inches long, whereas Japanese condoms are 6.3 inches long. For this reason, at one time travel-guides recommended that male travelers should take their own condoms when visiting Asia.

* * *

What have we learned today?  First, snotty noses serve a useful purpose but wiping them is still mandatory so as not to gross out others.

Second, for you female students who overly concern  themselves with penis size, the information contained in Lesson #10 should be helpful.  You should always remember this important and useful adage to further assist you when choosing a possible boyfriend or mate,  “It’s not the size of the club but how it’s wielded.”

CLASS DISMISSED

08-28-2013   Leave a comment

Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis).  You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire.  Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw.  If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form.  The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume.  This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés.  It makes me just a little crazy.

Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language.  If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP.  We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:

“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”

“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”

“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”

“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”

‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”

“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”

“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”

“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.

“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.” 

These examples are just the tip of the iceberg.  As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen.  You’ll be absolutely amazed.

AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!

08-27-2013   Leave a comment

For as long as I can remember the “Battle of the Sexes” has raged on and on and on and on.  After living through the bra burning years and ERA I thought it might finally ease up a little but once again I was wrong.  With women’s salaries edging upward and their elevated management positions becoming the norm rather than the exception I’d hoped for the best.  I was wrong again.  Are you sensing a pattern here?  No matter what I do in any association with any woman, I’m immediately wrong (whether I am or not) strictly because I’m a man.

My interactions with women both in the workplace and my personal life have resulted in my hearing the same old complaints and worn out clichés.  “You men are all alike.” “It’s just like a man to do something like that.” “I can’t break through that glass ceiling because men discriminate against me.” “Men are unfair.”  Are you seeing a particular pattern here too?  Good, I hope you are.

The point I’m trying to make is that women have made a great deal of progress over the years but just can’t seem to acknowledge it.  They want more!  If they ruled the planet entirely they’d be upset that they aren’t ruling the entire universe and all those bad aliens out there are discriminating against them. 

To further make my point  I submit the following excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This article was written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II.  Read on ladies and see what having a double standard is really all about.

* * *

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

* * *

No ambitious person should ever just settle. Working hard and getting the job done still works whether your male or female.  I think it’s time to drop the blame game against all men and get back to work.  Just saying.

08-26-2013   3 comments

It feels like a good day for a journal entry.  As the summer winds down my better-half and I have been very busy with the garden and the canning of everything possible.  Even though the weather’s been a little strange at times this summer overall it’s still been very productive.

I’ve been forced to work very hard this week due to the subpar garden fabric I purchased at Home Depot earlier his year.  Because of the failure of the fabric to eliminate the ever present weeds I’m now faced with several days of back breaking work to clean up weeds and begin to remove plants that have run their course.  I worked on my hands and knees for three hours removing weeds and pieces of surviving fabric and being ever so careful not to damage the hot pepper plants that are still producing.  I have a small trailer for my lawn tractor and I filled it twice with weeds in almost no time.

The Cayenne, Serrano, and bell peppers are still going strong and should continue for a few more weeks.  The cold nights aren’t helping but what can I do? I’ve removed fifty percent of the cucumber plants because we are becoming overwhelmed with them.  I canned more than forty pints of hot Bread & Butter pickles and could have done at least that many more.  Truthfully I ‘m just tired of looking at them.  I found myself dreaming about pickles a couple of recent nights which was a little disturbing to say the least. I’ve taken three handful of rhubarb seeds and planted an area behind the house with them.  If we’re lucky next spring might bring us an entire new patch of rhubarb.  The plants from last year have done well and next summer we’ll be making some killer strawberry-rhubarb jam.

I’m really tired of this weeding.  I’ll need to check with a nearby friend for advice on what fabric to buy for next year. I don’t plan on ever doing this again even if it cost me a few additional dollars.

We’ve successfully filled the larder with pickles, relishes, herb flavored vinegars, vegetable mixes (for stir-fry’s), spicy pasta sauce, salsa (2 large batches), and three batches of jams.  We spent one recent day at our favorite blackberry patch and within a half hour collected close to three quarts of blackberries.  The triple-berry jam recipe is to die for and we’ll now have more than enough for the winter and as gifts for friends.  I might even consider a small batch of black berry wine if we have enough berries.

All in all a very successful summer.  We’ve now started winding down in preparation for winter and it already feels like Fall and it’s still only August. I’m planning on rebuilding a portion of the garden and changing things around a little.  Then it’s soil preparation, fertilizing, and waiting for the snow to fly.

I’d like to chat further but I’ve got more work to do before my better-half gets home from work.

* * *

Just as an afterthought here’s a little something I just received from my sister. It made me laugh out loud and that’s always a good thing.  Enjoy.

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing ?"

The operator said,
"I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient ?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter ?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

08-24-2013   Leave a comment

I spend a lot of my time watching and listening to people.  It’s my most favorite of activities to be sure.  I’ve recently began to see unusual patterns occurring in others which trouble me a great deal. It seems we as a people are loosing the ability to insult others with tact or sarcasm.  I know, I was as stunned as you are.  What is this country coming to if we lose that important ability.  That’s one of the losses we suffer from too much political correctness.

"Your mother wears combat boots." was a good way for me to get my ass kicked in grade school.  It was almost as bad as "Your mother dresses you funny." or "If my dog looked like your mother, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward."  Mother insults were always a good way to insult someone and be absolutely sure to get the proper reaction. 

These days you can’t even call someone a liar, you must say “he’s diligently avoiding the truth”.  That’s pussy talk in my opinion. Give me the good old days when someone wasn’t "educationally challenged" he was a moron or a dumb ass. It is said that the WW II generation was the greatest and I completely agree. They knew how to deliver an good insult that was polite, sarcastic, and devastating.  No pussy talk for those guys or gals.  Here are some classic insults by famous people of that era.  Enjoy.

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” – Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
  • “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
  • “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” – Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor
  • "There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure." – Jack E. Leonard
  • "He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." – Billy Wilder
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
  • "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill

Three of my all time favorites, Mae West, Mark Twain, and Winston Churchill. They just don’t make them like that anymore and it’s a damn shame (In my humble opinion).

08-24-2013   Leave a comment

Before I start to write this posting I’m required to put on my cowboy hat, my boots, and my big ugly belt buckle.  Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a Country & Western fan in any sense of the word.  Unfortunately my born and bred Texan better-half has been a life long fan of the genre. She roams from room to room through the house every day, turning on multiple radios to blare that good old down home music every effing minute.  It keeps me out of the house doing fifty percent more yard work than I would normally do.  Maybe that’s her sneaky Texas way of making me work harder.  If I’ve learned nothing from our years together I have learned to keep a close watch on her,  Texans are sneaky!

I had a wonderful day off today because my crazy better-half and her even crazier daughter are off on another adventure.  They left early today to attend the Country-fest Concert at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts.  I’m sure they were cheering all the way to Mass but what they didn’t know was just how loud I was cheering to see them go.  An entire day without listening to music that makes me cringe.  I worked in the yard for a good part of the day with my IPod blasting a wide variety of Blues, Rock, and NO C&W.

I was receiving text messages and photos for most of the day telling me just what I was missing.  I was missing endless traffic, Country music fans by the thousands, and an endless number of drunken bums wearing their boots and cowboy hats.  I’ll just bet that ninety percent of those crazies have never been on a ranch or had a close and personal conversation with a horse. A whole lot of wannabes trying to impress a few young ladies with their swagger and y’all’s.

I had a great day until eleven pm when I was awakened from my blissful sleep by two tipsy cowgirls making their way home from Boston.  My better-half was so horse I could barely understand her and all of the laughing and screaming in the background didn’t help either.  She called to let me know when she’d be arriving and that she was going to "wake my ass up" whether I liked it or not.  I mildly threatened to end her life, said goodnight, and went back to sleep.  She arrived home in the wee hours, fell into bed, and barely woke me at all.

Waking up this morning I opened one eye to see if she was prowling around.  Next to me under a huge pile of blankets and pillows I found what was left of my better-half.  She was snoring like a truck driver, smelled like beer, and was dreaming about Kenny Chesney I’ll bet.  Ya, I know at least one cowboy crooner’s name.  Please don’t hold that against me, my survival instinct requires I know enough Country names and trivia to keep her happy.

Yee haw y’all !

08-23-2013   Leave a comment

This has been one helluva week.  One more fact that will help you understand what I mean by that statement is I hate doctors, hospitals, blood tests, and personal examinations.  I can put up with a nurse every once in while but only as potential dating material. If past history tells me anything it’s stay away from nurses. The last nurse I dated (SLEPT WITH) had a tank of nitrous oxide next to her bed and spent every other stroke huffing on it with a face mask.

This week began with my blood tests.  Normally it’s just one tube of blood used to check whatever.  Because of Obamacare my doctor of ten years has given up his practice and now I’m once again "fresh meat" for the "new guy".  He needs four tubes of blood so he knows where I’m coming from.  That’s his statement not mine.  My previous doctor had a lab as part of his practice where I could easily get blood drawn but not this "new guy".  I was forced to get out of bed much earlier than I like, drive forty minutes to the hospital, to stand in line behind thirty other idiots. I felt like a freaking day laborer. A young lady called me into her room, sat me down, stuck me in the arm, sucked out the blood, and walked away shouting "Next!" at the top her lungs.  Nothing like personal service.

Four days later I returned to the doctors office for my annual physical.  The "new guy" arrived forty minutes late as I sat in this telephone booth sized room in my hospital gown freezing my nuts off.  He looks about twenty-five years old and he’s from Peru.  His accent was minimal, thank God, and I could understand almost everything he had to say.  One handshake and he opens his laptop and begins to take notes.  My computer file covers more than twelve years, two surgeries, and four colonoscopies but he has additional questions.  I felt like I was on Jeopardy and I’m sure Alex Trebek would have been more fun.

He first tells me that prostate exams are for the most part unnecessary and then bends me over the table and shoves his ever so long latex covered finger right up my ass.  No dinner, no chit chat, no wine, just "wham bang, thank you man".  For such a little guy he has quite the large digits.

An hour later and we’re still doing paperwork so I can have another colonoscopy in December (MY FIRST XMAS GIFT) and an introduction to my new mandatory diet.  I found out in short order that going forward I’m only permitted to eat rabbit food and drink black coffee.  Read the labels he tells me, no fat, no calories, no dairy, no candy, no sugar, no soda, no flavored water, and no smoothies.  The translation to that line of BS is I will never be permitted to eat anything that tastes good or even has flavor of any kind ever again.

A pat on the head, a "nice to meet ya"’ and he scampers away.  A nurse hands me the date for my next appointment and I’m out the door and back on the street.  That hour and a half probably will cost me upwards of $500.00 including the blood work up and a hundred of that will be out of pocket.  Isn’t life just freaking wonderful?

Now I get to wait six more months for another hour of quality time with the "new guy" which will probably consist of stepping onto a scale to measure my weight loss.  Really, can’t I just call it in? That would then only cost $495.00.

Shoot me now!

08-22-2013   Leave a comment

"I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I should have that sentence made into a really long bumper sticker.  Those of you out there who are my brothers and sisters in sarcasm will understand completely.  Those of you who are immune to sarcasm, you have my deepest sympathies (NOT TRUE).

I came by my ability honestly to turn almost anything said to me into a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort.  I began developing this superpower at age ten when I discovered that I could deflect parents, adults, and bullies with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered.  I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks was a valuable tool and I should refine it.  If used properly and politely along with clever conversation it can also make you a bit more desirable to the ladies (PROVEN FACT).  That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put into becoming a sarcasm expert.

As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using.  All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for  the most part in a negative fashion as this will clearly show:

* * *

In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously (NOT ALWAYS TRUE), for destructive purposes (NEVER). It may be used in an indirect manner and have the form of irony (THIS WOULD BE ME), as in "Your ass really looks great in that dress or ”What a fine musician you turned out to be!". It may also be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal intonation.

Hostile, critical comments may be expressed in an ironic way, such as saying "don’t work too hard" to a lazy worker (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT). The use of irony introduces an element of humour which may make the criticism seem more polite and less aggressive (ME AGAIN). Sarcasm can frequently be unnoticed in print form, oftentimes requiring the intonation or tone of voice to indicate the quip or a note added to let people know (SEE BELOW).

* * *

Sarcasm is a tool and a god-given talent for some but really gets no respect (ME) and viewing sarcasm as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it.  There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm.  I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason.  It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t.  It also identifies those who may be potential targets without even being aware of it. 

I try (MOST OF THE TIME) not to be disrespectful during those occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude.  I like a lot of laughter in my life and when the people around me don’t bring anything to the table I’ll create it for them (AT THEIR EXPENSE IF NECESSARY).

AND SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY (SARCASM OFF)

08-21-2013   Leave a comment

I scored a miserable nine on my first attempt.  Not terribly good but not a total disaster either.  As promised, here are the answers.

  1. Statler and Waldorf
  2. “I’ll be right back.”
  3. Kukla, Fran, and Ollie
  4. Roger Moore
  5. “Goodbye kids”, on the 2343rd-and-last episode of the popular kiddie show on September 30, 1960.
  6. 123 1/2 Sesame Street
  7. Robert Klein
  8. 4,531
  9. A policeman-it was a minor role.  The sketch was part of a 1950 Cavalcade of Stars Show.

10.  Yankee shortstop, Phil Rizzuto

11.  The Munsters

12.  “Love in Bloom”

13.  Julie Kavnar-formerly the awkward sister on “Rhoda”.

14.  The La Salle

15.  Soap

16.  Bruce Lee

17.  A pig named Arnold.

18.  Only one but the client was later proved innocent.

19.  Chip, Mike, and Robbie.   Mike moved away later and Ernie was adopted.

20. Trusty scout.

Bonus Question (Worth 2 Points): Victoria Principle’s The two feuded earlier, when Rivers was guest hosting on the Tonight Show.

Posted August 22, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Education, Trivia

Tagged with , , , , , ,