Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

09/24/2021 More Useless Yet Interesting Trivia   3 comments

I’m just sitting here looking out the window and it’s raining, it’s humid, and I am bored out of my mind. These days between seasons leave much to be desired. When I get this bored I fall back to something that I enjoy doing. If you don’t know by now that means diving in to my archives for useless bits of semi-interesting trivia items. The 10 I’ve listed below are interesting and a little unusual, my favorite kinds. Maybe by sharing them with you it will take the edge off my boredom before I scream out loud. Enjoy!

  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • According to Genesis 1:2022 the chicken came before the egg.
  • Chop Suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was crafted in California by Chinese immigrants.
  • Chrysler built B-29’s that bomb Japan. Mitsubishi built the zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant called Diamond Star.
  • Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  • The dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  • The goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

There’s your trivia for today. I thought I’d throw in a little something extra for you because who doesn’t love a good limerick? I have in my archives hundreds and hundreds of limericks of all categories. I have family limericks, children’s limericks, animal limericks, sporty limericks, and on and on and on. I even have naughty limericks and a category of limericks that goes three steps beyond naughty but I’ll save those for another time. Here’s one that’s rather tame but I like it.

A surgeon of some imprecision,

Decided on self-circumcision;

A slip of the knife –

“Oh, dear,” said his wife,

“Our sex-life will need some revision.”

Well there’s your limerick for today. I thought I’d stick to the medical profession for this limerick because I know how much they love off-color humor. Mostly the nurses but especially the retired ones.

HAVE A WONDERFUL RAINY AND BORING DAY

09/23/2021 Are You Ever Annoyed?   Leave a comment

Have you ever had something piss you off so bad you felt a sharp, stabbing pain behind your eyes. If you have then the following list will be perfect for you. I love reading lists and I also love writing them from time to time. Over the last few years I’ve experienced almost 60% of the things listed below and it seems to be getting worse each year instead of improving. The pandemic has done nothing to stop these annoyances, it has possibly increased them.

  • The person who insists on explaining at length something I have absolutely no interest in.
  • People who snore the paint right off the walls and then deny ever snoring.
  • People who love to talk over me during a conversation make me want to scream.
  • Waiting in my car at the ATM for 15 minutes for some moron on a bicycle making a deposit.
  • The guy in the next men’s room stall at Walmart who opens a stolen package of underwear, puts them on, and leaves his old pair on the floor when he departs.
  • The attractive woman driving the gorgeous new Lexus who rolls down her window and spits a huge oyster into the passing lane.
  • People who will stand quietly in line at a movie theater but can’t shut the hell up once the movie starts.
  • Screaming out-of-control children in public places with parents shopping elsewhere.
  • The woman chatting on her cell phone as she smashed into my left front fender.
  • Loud and obnoxious beer drinking morons at any sporting event.
  • People who are “close talkers” with chronic “stench breath” who won’t stop talking to me.
  • Finding short and curly hairs in my restaurant food.
  • Waiting endlessly in a register line for a customer to be trained in the use of their own debit card by the cashier.
  • People who loudly bitch and moan about their meals and the service at a restaurant.
  • City workers who insist on destroying my mailbox every year with a 10 ton snowplow.

I feel much better now that I’ve gotten all of those off my chest. It’s a very cathartic experience to say the least. I wrote these items in less than 15 minutes and I’m afraid if I took a bit more time the list would’ve doubled.

HAVE A GREAT UNANNOYING PANDEMIC DAY

09/20/2021 Pennsylvania Loyalist   4 comments

Years ago my favorite blogger, the late, great, Acid Man, wrote a few hundred words on swearing, cussing, and the differences between the two. I am nowhere near as eloquent as he but here goes anyway.

I come from an area in the country known for its blue-collar roots, coal miners, mill workers, and some downright bad ass cusser’s. Western Pennsylvania is arrogant in its pride of self and I find myself guilty of that at times. At age four I was sitting on a street corner in Natrona, Pennsylvania with my grandfather and swearing for nickels and pennies from his buddies. If by chance I yelled the ultimate motherfucker, I got a quarter and some ice cream. So you have to admit I come by swearing honestly.

Of course we were all raised as avid Steeler fans and if you didn’t curse loudly and often enough while watching their games then you were a horse’s ass. Any bastard who called some other son-of-a-bitch a rotten prick was a no good shithead or so I’ve been told. You always had to be ready to voice your support for the Steelers as they kicked the shit out of those pussies from Cleveland and those bastards from Houston (hopefully).

We lived in a diverse area with Irish, Poles, Slavs, Blacks, Italians, and the occasional Hispanic. To be a professional cusser in our neighborhood you had to know cuss words in at least six different languages to be properly understood. We were the UN of fucking, half-assed, dirty rotten language and damn proud of it.

I’ve now lived in New England for more than 37 years and I have to admit that the swearing here is a little more laid back than I’m used to. A little too polite and prissy for a boy from fucking Pennsylvania. I actually look forward to trips back home where I can walk into a bar after 37 years of living in New England and have someone say, “Hey, who let that motherfucker in here and is he buying the next goddamn round?”. It’s just not the same here in New England. Two F-bombs in one sentence seems to be too much for New England sensibilities. Well hell, if they don’t fucking like it they can kiss my fucking ass.

I LOVE CUSSING AND “GO STEELERS”

RIGHT JB?

09/19/2021 Sunday Musings   Leave a comment

Well here we are, another slow, lazy, uninteresting Sunday in Maine. I was hijacked once again to join another shopping safari with my better-half and so I came properly prepared. I have my Kindle, my tablet, and an armload of reference books. She has that evil-eye look that I hate to see when she’s shopping. That means more stores to visit, more parking lots to sit in, and a serious lack of available Wi-Fi.

This appears to be a normal run-of-the-mill pandemic shopping day. The percentage of people wearing masks appears to be increasing every day it seems. I think the state mandate and the recent surge of new cases is starting to have a positive impact on mask compliance. It’s still weirds me out a little bit to see young toddlers wearing masks and being carried around by their mothers who aren’t. As Ron White so often says “You just can’t fix stupid”.

I’m not certain if I mentioned it before but three weeks ago I received my third Pfizer Covid shot. I’m considered an extremely high risk person and Covid-19 would likely end me if I catch it. That leads me right into my next talking point, Millennials.

I’ve been somewhat critical towards Millennial’s in recent months because their attitude toward vaccinations and masks is as stupid as their feelings about senior citizens. They’re concerned only with themselves it seems by shrugging their shoulders on the masking and vaccination requirements. I would  hope they’d realize by now that by complying they would go a long way in helping to protect others who may be at risk. I’ve heard many off-the-cuff derogatory remarks made in recent months concerning the “old folks” and “they just want to live forever”. I’m sure that many of the dead victims of the virus wouldn’t have been reassured by attitudes like that prior to their deaths. Millennials give new meaning to the term the “Me Generation”. That goes to all of you Anti-Vaxers as well.

YOU CANT FIX STUPID OR SELFISHNESS

09/16/2021 Favorite Sayings & Quotes   Leave a comment

For years I’ve collected lists, sayings, and quotations. The more I find, the more you get to read. One of these days I’m going to sit down and put together some of my thoughts, my limericks, and my musings. They’re sure to be just as interesting as these folks. And in

  • It’s not death that alarms me, but dying surely does.
  • A diplomat is a person who always remembers a woman’s birthday, but never her age.
  • In wine there is truth. Pliny the Elder
  • It’s not the men in my life I worry about, it’s the life in my men. Mae West
  • I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money. Will Rogers
  • Fish and guests smell in three days. Ben Franklin
  • A pessimist thinks all women are bad and an optimist hopes they are.
  • The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while masturbating.
  • Sex is only dirty, if it’s done right.
  • A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • I prefer an interesting device to a boring virtue.
  • What goes around, comes around.
  • He who hesitates is last. Mae West
  • Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Gloria Steinem
  • I am not young enough to know everything.
  • The zoo is a place of refuge were savage beasts are protected from people.

I found this list while digging around in some old boxes a few days ago. I eliminated a few that were dated like cheap shots at Bill Clinton. But those that remain I felt were worth sharing with you. Most of them I absolutely love especially those pearls of wisdom supplied by Mae West. Would’ve loved to have met her.

GO WEST (MAE) YOUNG MAN

09/15/2021 My 9/11 Memorial   Leave a comment

It’s now the end of September and after reading all of the memorials and remembrances of 9/11, I decided to go my own way. I don’t want to write another heart-wrenching memorial because it’s been done by just about everyone else. I think I would like to highlight the perpetrators and their ilk who continue to commit murder and mayhem unchecked almost everywhere. I can only do the one thing they absolutely hate, that is to ridicule them. We all know they have no sense of humor so someone needs to poke the bear. That would be me. Read on . . .

YOU MAY BE A MUSLIM IF . . .

  • You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
  • You own a $3000 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
  • You have more wives than teeth.
  • You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
  • You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
  • You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
  • You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your underwear.
  • You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
  • You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
  • Your cousin was once President of United States.
  • You find this offensive or racist and you don’t forward it.

What more can I say? If only half of these statements are true, those people aren’t worth any more of my valuable time. I’ve got more important things to do, like scratching my ass, picking my nose, or just about anything else.

WE WILL NEVER EFFING FORGET

09/14/2021 Who Doesn’t Love Sarcasm?   Leave a comment

I’ve been accused by some of being a “sarcastic SOB”. I’ve been accused by others as being sarcastic when there is no need to be. In both of these cases my attitude remains pretty much the same. “I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I came by my ability honestly to answer almost anything said to me with a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort. I began developing this superpower at the age of 10 and I discovered early on that I can deflect parents, adults, and bullies, with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered.09/14/2021

At first I tried to get along with my main bully, Ken Daly, but bullies won’t or can’t deal with anyone they perceive as weak. I remember clearly the first time he was introduced to my sarcastic wit. Unfortunately he was too stupid to understand sarcasm and when I told him after taking a few minutes of his abuse, “Aren’t you just the biggest, scariest, and smartest SOB in the school?” I was stunned, he was actually flattered and just couldn’t stop smiling and proceeded to strut his stuff around the schoolyard. That one statement made me his new good buddy and after two years of his kicking me around, stealing my possessions, and smacking me a few times, I was finally free to live the rest of junior high and high school without that a-hole causing me problems.

I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks were valuable tools and I should refine my use of them to become “all I could be”. If used properly along with smiles and clever conversation it can also get me laid every so often. That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put forth to becoming a virtual “sarcasm machine”.

As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using. All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for the most part in a negative fashion. I find that disturbingly unintellectual. While I can agree to some extent that sarcasm can be used in a mean and aggressive way, I prefer a different approach.

Sarcasm is a tool and a God-given talent but really gets no respect from academia. Viewing sarcasm only as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it. There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm. I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason. It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t. For those who don’t I am forever grateful. I in turn use them to entertain the ones who are understanding me. I try not to be disrespectful during these occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude. I like a lot of laughter in my life and when people around me don’t bring anything to the table, it’s up to me to create some and I do it as often as possible. Life’s too damn short.

AND TO ALL OF YOU READERS OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY

( Sarcasm Off)

Posted September 14, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Education, Humor, Journal, Just Saying Again, Sarcasm

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09/13/2021 Become a Stupidity Spotter   Leave a comment

My blog is called everyuselessthing for a reason. Two of the many useless things I like to address on a regular basis are stupidity and political correctness. Whether it’s politicians, celebrities, or your normal run-of-the-mill idiots, stupidity is found everywhere. While I do get quite a tingle shedding light on many of these folks I think it’s only fair that I pass along to each of you the skills needed to identify them from a distance. So read on people and get educated. Here’s a clarifying definition.

Stupidity is a quality or state of being stupid, or an act or idea that exhibits properties of being stupid. According to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word’s stupid and stupidity entered the English language in 1541. Since then, stupidity has taken place along with “fool”, “idiot”, “dumb”, “moron”, and related concepts as a pejorative appellation for human misdeeds, whether purposeful or accidental. Read on . . .

The Fundamental Laws of Human Stupidity

  • Always and inevitably each of us underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.
  • The probability that a given person is stupid is independent of any other characteristic possessed by that person.
  • A person is stupid if they cause damage to another person or group of people without experiencing personal gain, or even worse causing damage to themselves in the process.
  • Non-stupid people always underestimate the harmful potential of stupid people; they constantly forget that at any time anywhere, and in any circumstance, dealing with or associating themselves with stupid individuals invariably constitutes a costly error.
  • A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person there is.

Now that you have these basic laws of human stupidity you are well on your way to becoming an expert “idiot and moron” spotter. What better way to protect your family than being able to spot the fools before they can infect innocent passers-by with the “stupidity virus”. One pandemic is more than enough for us to handle these days. The following definition is just another clue you can use to find these idiots and morons. They almost always suffer from this affliction (PC) as well.

Political Correctness (adjectivally, objectively, politically correct; both forms commonly abbreviated to PC) is a term which denotes language, ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social and institutional offense in occupational, gender, racial, cultural, sexual context, and doing so to an excessive extent. In current usage, the term is primarily pejorative, while the term “politically correct” has been used as an implicitly positive self-description.

BEWARE MY FRIENDS . . . STAY ALERT . . . THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE

09/09/2021 Americas Lack of Culture   3 comments

I’ve spent a considerable amount of time bitching and complaining about the pop culture nonsense going on in this country. Now I want to address culture in its truer form. Not your highbrow, ballet, museum, and big money culture and not some idiot celebrity worshiping pop culture, but our American societies lack of a real culture. Every country on this planet has its own distinct culture from Sri Lanka to Samoa and I thought that was pretty cool but as I gave it more thought I saw the darker side of it.

America in my view hasn’t any culture of any kind that is specific to its citizens. It’s true that people clamor to come here to live in a country most of them professed to hate when they’re in their own country. Thousands arrive here every year to make a better life for themselves whether legally or illegally. That’s great for America as it always has been but then the dark side shows us its ugly face.

People fight and endure dangerous and risky journeys to taste the freedom offered here. So what do they do first. They find an enclave or cluster of others from their home country and settle into the same culture they just left. They then proceed to organize so they can bitch about how they are discriminated against here in the land of the free and then demand America change to make them feel more at home. If you really want things to be like they were in your home country than you probably should have stayed there to begin with. But again, where is America’s culture?

Are we just Eastern Europe on steroids. Multiple cultures living on top of each other for generations, pissing and moaning about the unfairness of it all, and just waiting for the day when everyone else will see the light and recognize that their culture is the best.

How many Chinatowns are there in this country? How many Korea towns, or German towns, or Irish neighborhoods, do we have? What is America’s culture? I’m having a real problem trying to recognize it because I firmly believe there is none. America’s freedoms are a great draw for the downtrodden and politically persecuted from around the world. I get that, but so what? They bring with them all of their BS and problems and then expect us to change our way of thinking. I’m not painting all immigrants with a broad brush. I understand there are some who make the changeover easily, learning the language, and moving on with their new American lives. If you were to move anywhere else on the globe it would be expected of you to learn the language there. I don’t see any country except the US that even worries about such things.

What I am demanding is that the American government do something to help create a legitimate American culture. Make the English language once and for all the official language of the United States. Instead of printing documents with 13 languages and dialects, spend that money on mandatory English-speaking classes for all those who wish to permanently relocate here.

My immigrant grandparents came here to make a new life for themselves. There was a second language spoken but it was spoken only in the home. They understood that learning English was the only way to truly become an American citizen. So what did they do? They learned the damn language. I was raised listening to German in the home for most of my early life. I thought it was cool but I knew I lived in America and that German was an old country tradition that really had no attraction to me. I was a goddamn American and proud of it.

There never will be a legitimate American culture unless something is done and soon. We know just how bad things can get like when the ethnic fighting took place in Eastern Europe after the dissolution of Czechoslovakia. The first thing every ethnic groups seems to want was the death of everyone who isn’t just like them. Murder squads, rape gangs, and genocide are the three things I hope we never have the misfortune to see on the streets of America.

If these ethnic separations continue unchecked, at some point things could get awfully scary.

EVERYONE THINKS IT CAN’T HAPPEN HERE

09/08/2021 The “Soundbite” Generations   Leave a comment

I love looking back at this country’s politics in my attempt to learn where all of the bad habits of our political elite have been learned. One of the major criticisms of our current politicians is that they are only concerned with “soundbites” rather than substance. Since I agree with that criticism I decided to try and pin down where it all started. The rise of the Mainstream Media has always been blamed for “sound biting” every candidate until we could just scream. What I discovered was more than just a little interesting. The use of campaign slogans began well before the media became so powerful. The following slogans are sometimes cute, sometimes hurtful, but always entertaining. This is just a small sampling of old and new campaign slogans that started the “soundbite revolution”.

  • Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too -1840
  • Fifty-Four or Fight -1844
  • Equal Rights to All, Special Privileges to None -1900
  • Stand Pat With McKinley -1900
  • Keep Cool With Coolidge -1924
  • A Chicken in Every Pot, A Car in Every Garage -1928
  • In Hoover We Trusted and Now We Are Busted -1948
  • One Good Term Deserves Another -1934
  • I’m Just Wild About Harry -1948
  • To Err is Truman -1948
  • Phooey on Dewey -1948
  • I Like Ike -1952
  • I Still Like Ike -1953
  • In Your Guts You Know He’s Nuts -1964
  • Never Been Indicted -1980
  • It’s the Economy Stupid -1992

I guess we’ve come by it honestly. Apparently we citizens always were suckers for cheesy “soundbites” even when they were just called “campaign slogans”.

HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE “TIME FOR CHANGE” AGAIN IN 2024

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