Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
As you’re probably aware I collect weird and odd trivia. I stumbled upon a book by a Mr. Russ Kick titled “50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know”. It’s a collection of somewhat obscure facts collected by Kick. I’ll list ten of the facts from the book without the accompanying lengthy explanations provided to prove his points. Some facts appear outrageous, but it seems his research was well done. If you want to check his facts, then you’ll need to find and buy the book or do some lengthy research online.
Barbie is based on a German sex doll
Fetuses masturbate
George Washington embezzled government funds
Scientists are re-creating the highly lethal 1918 Spanish Flu virus
Several thousand Americans were held in Nazi concentration camps during WW2
Well over 300,000 tons of chemical weapons have been dumped into the sea
Men have clitorises
Native Americans were once kept as slaves
James Audubon killed all the birds he painted
The Environmental Protection Agency lied about New York’s air quality after the 9/11 disaster.
This little book makes for interesting reading.
Well, welcome to Friday people. Another gloriously gray rainy and crappy day here in Maine. It makes for a really boring day if you can’t leave the house, but I do have plenty of things to break the monotony. Today that will include a few funny and moderately dirty jokes. I know how much all of you seem to enjoy them almost as much as I do. Have a few laughs and then drop to your knees and loudly pray for some effing sunshine.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
- One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped out of the alley, jumped in the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the backseat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I notice that you are completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spreads her legs, put your feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, ” Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie calmly asked, “Got anything smaller?”
- A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in those pills that could help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctors’ knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind up one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
😜😜😜
One of My Favorite Sayings:
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.”
Confucius
Here we go again with another rainy and gray day. Spring really wants to make an appearance but for some reason she’s having difficulties. The sun shines brightly for 2 hours a day broken up into 15-minute segments. The problem then becomes when you have a “freezing your ass off” moment every time a cloud goes by. Truthfully Mother Nature is really starting to piss me off.
Now let me get back to the subject. A few months ago, I purchased a pile of old used books which appear to have once been library books. I have books from libraries all over the country. One in particular is a book of limericks (mostly clean) written by some well-known authors and celebrities. See what you think.
By: Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slipped out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
💥💥
By: Ogden Nash
It was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, oleaginous mutta.
By: Oliver Wendell Holmes
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The Hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
💥💥
By: Rudyard Kipling
There was once a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes, I is,
“But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
💥💥💥
As you can imagine I read hundreds of limericks a month but even I was taken by surprise when I read these four. Just goes to show you that even celebrated writers and authors have a real bitch of a time writing limericks. I’m sure that if of you took a few minutes, you could write better stuff than this. Only one of these four showed me something interesting and that was the one by Oliver Wendall Holmes. Read it carefully and see if you spot his clever efforts.
LIMERICK WRITERS RULE!
I thought since it’s another gray, wet, and crappy day I’d get lazy and throw a collection of useless information your way. There’s no rhyme or reason just a whole lot of nonsensical facts.
Odd Newpaper Headlines
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Ridiculous Newspaper Classified Ads
- For Sale: Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5 finger, one 3 finger, pair $15.00.
- Free Puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel – 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
- Georgia Peaches – California Grown – 89 cents a pound.
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300.
- For Sale: an antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Malaprops (From Student Essays)
- A rolling stone gathers no moths.
- The battle was won due to gorilla warfare.
- The store was closed for altercations.
- The Second Amendment gives citizens the right to bare arms.
Attorneys and Friends (Actual Court Testimony)
- How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the accident?
- You say the stairs went down to the basement? Did they also go up?
- Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?
- Now, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
JUST PLAIN SILLINESS
Bath Abby, England
Here lies Ann Mann.
She lived an old maid and
She died an Old Mann
🪦🪦🪦
Bayfield, Mississippi
Here lies my wife in earthly mold,
Who when she lived did nothing but scold.
Please wake her not, for now she’s still,
I’m alone, but now I have my will.
Boston Granary Cemetery
Here lie I bereft of breath
Because a cough carried me off.
Then a coffin they carried me off in.
🪦🪦🪦
Skaneateles, New York
Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that’s left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Briggs, it was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
The last words of Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
“Drink to me.”
AMEN BROTHER!!
I discovered over the years that the older you get the more reminiscing you do and I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve always been a believer of worrying about the future not the past and that hasn’t changed a whole lot. I’ll be turning 78 years old in August of this year and I’m amazed. I never thought I’d live this long because of my rough and tumble attitude towards living. As I was reminiscing about my long and somewhat interesting life I wondered, what some of the other people that I read about deal with their aging after the age of 70. I always jokingly told anyone who’d listen that after 70 I would retire, sit on my porch with a drink, and smoke as much weed as I could get my hands on until I passed on. Little did I know that I’d be buying my cannabis at a convenience store in gummy form. One of life’s many miracles. I thought a little reflection on my current lifestyle should be matched against some of our more famous or infamous celebrities.
Age 70
Socrates is condemned to die for corrupting the minds of Athenian youth.
Me: I made dozens of bottles of wine, and then spent a few months drinking them.
Age 71
Nelson Mandela was released from a South African prison, after 20 years of incarceration.
Me: Completed a few graphic paintings of scantily clad buxom young women. Then I drank some more wine and sat and looked at them. And yes, I still do.
Age 72
The Marquis de Sade takes a new, 15-year-old lover.
Me: I looked for a 15-year-old lover but forgot why.
Page 73
Walt Stack completes the Ironman Triathlon in 26 hours, 20 minutes.
Me: I did 1000 steps in one day, and my faithful Fit Bit was so amazed it exploded.
Age 74
Albert Einstein announces his unified field theory (but it didn’t hold up).
Me: Drank more wine, contemplated some of my erotic paintings, and worked hard trying to remember the names of the models.
Age 75
Fanny Garrison Villard founds the Women’s Peace Society.
Me: I founded and celebrated the Maine chapter of the Jack Daniels Fan Club. I also considered making a Hag to their distillery in Tennessee.
Age 76
Charles Foster Kane, of Citizen Kane, whispers his immortal, confounding clue, “Rosebud”.
Me: I decided after rereading Citizen Kane that I needed a lot more Jack Daniels. It’s the only way to defend myself against the boredom of Orson Welles and his writings. Little did he know I once had a fat little gerbil named Orson who never really bored me at all.
Age 77
Grandma Moses takes up painting in a serious manner.
Me: After 16 years of my so-called retirement, I bought a lot more weed and a case of a really good Chardonnay in preparation for the start of our three grandson’s 2024 Little League debuts.
LIFE CAN BE GOOD – IF YOU LET IT
After my raucous celebration of Earth Day, I thought a little humor would improve my morning. It’s only right that if I’m having a good morning, I should pass along some of that goodness to you. Here’s a short joke to start things off.
Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex? “Are you done?”
Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? “Honey, I’m home.”
I thoroughly enjoyed this joke which made me laugh out loud when I read it. Who doesn’t love sheep?
🐏🐏🐏
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a local vet for some help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what that means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into the back of his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
In the morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing as they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and again loads them into the truck. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back home and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still standing around. Out of frustration he again proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls totally exhausted into bed.
Morning arrives and he can’t even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if any of the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No”, she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
KEEP SMILING PERVERTS
When I started this blog many years ago it took me a while to come up with a proper name. Once the decision was made to call it “every useless thing” I was hooked into providing as many weird and unusual facts as I could find. I’ve created a rather large library of totally useless information and it’s my pride and joy. If I’ve calculated properly, I have enough facts and trivia to continue this blog for 10 more years and never repeat the same item twice. I get to find them and post them, and unfortunately you get to read them. Here we go . . .
- Reese Witherspoon has two pet donkeys.
- Keanu Reeves was born in Lebanon.
- The iconic mask used in the 1978 horror film Halloween was a plastic Captain Kirk mask from Star Trek, spray-painted white and with its eyeholes enlarged.
- The S. S. Minnow of Gilligan’s Island fame was named after former chairman of the FCC, Newton Minnow, who considered television to be a “vast wasteland.
- The maiden name of Betty rubble from the Flintstones show was Betty Jean McBricker.
- To complete the pair, the maiden name of Wilma Flintstone was Wilma Slaghoopel.
- In the United States, the last year that somebody officially died of “old age” was 1951 That’s the last year “old age” was listed on death certificates. It’s now referred to as death by “natural causes.”
- Robert Williams is the first known person to be killed by a robot. He worked at a Ford automobile factory and was struck in the head by a robot in 1979.
- Amalie Auguste Melitta Benz was the un-famous inventor of the coffee filter.
- The first mechanically sliced loaf of bread was sold under the famous Wonder Bread brand in 1930.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON
I hope all of you had an enjoyable Easter holiday. With that in mind I thought I’d offer up a little religious history and trivia. While I’m not all that religious I certainly enjoy anything concerning history whether it be mythological or factual. Enjoy.
- The egg has become the symbol for Easter because it began as an ancient symbol of new life and considered a fitting symbol for the Resurrection.
- A Bible published in London in 1632 became known as the Wicked Bible. It was called that because the word “not” was missing from the seventh commandment, making it “Thou shalt commit adultery.”
- Few people know that one of the most famous structures in Greek mythology was built by a man named Epeius. It was the Trojan horse.
- A bird was credited with saving Rome from attack by the Gauls in 390 B.C. The bird was a goose and according to legend its honking alerted the Romans to a night raid by the Gauls.
- The political-religious movement, Rastafarianism, is named after former Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie who at his coronation was titled Ras Tafari.
- The Vatican’s Sistine Chapel was named after Pope Sixtus IV who had it built as a private papal chapel.
- When the American Foundation for the Blind recorded the entire 774,000-word King James version of the Bible in 1944, it took 84 1/2 hours.
- The King James version of the Bible was the common source for a number of clichés; “Salt of the earth”, “Feet of clay”, and “Apple of my eye”.
- The seven cardinal virtues are prudence, temperance, fortitude, justice, faith, love, and hope.
- The seven deadly sins are pride, covetousness, lust, gluttony, anger, envy and sloth.
And here is a bit of bonus trivia concerning Pope John Paul II. His talents extended beyond the realm of his calling. He was also a gifted writer and musician. His 1979 record album, “At the Festival of the Sacro Song” sold over 1 million copies.
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IT’S EASIER TO PREACH TEN SERMONS THAN TO LIVE JUST ONE
Is it just me or is the media using the term “genius” way too often. It seems that if your successful at anything you’re a genius until the novelty wears off and then your back to being a regular schmuck like everyone else. Real geniuses are a rarity, and they bring their own baggage along with them. They are usually a genius in a specific area but in other areas not so much. I went to college with a guy who could pick up a #2 pencil and in mere minutes, completely copy works by Michaelangelo. It was effortless and left many of us absolutely amazed. What most people didn’t know was that he was something of a recluse. He hated groups of people and was barely able to attend classes. Many times, he would complete wonderful projects at his apartment and then contact his fellow students to deliver them to the teacher. He was unable to speak before groups of more than 2 or 3 without panicking. Was he a genius? Yes! Was he happy? I don’t honestly know.
I decided to checkout a few well know geniuses to get a better feel about how they handled their gift. Here are a few facts.
- The eccentric English chemist and physicist Henry Cavendish (1731-1810) had no appropriate instruments for that purpose, so he measured the strength of an electrical current in a direct way. He shocked himself with the electrical current and estimated the pain. He still managed to live to be nearly 80 years old.
- The first person to work out the manner in which a telescope handled light according to strict scientific principles was the German astronomer Johann Kepler. His eyesight was so bad, however, that it was useless for him to try to use a telescope himself.
- Thomas Edison, who bordered on being totally deaf, do not think of the phonograph in terms of music and entertainment. He was interested in the business and educational potential of the invention.
- Henry Ford in 1921 proposed that milk be made synthetically. His disregard for dairy cows as being inefficient and unsanitary stemmed from unpleasant experiences on his father’s farm. Milking had been an exasperating and disagreeable labor.
- Charles Dickens believed that a good night’s sleep was possible only if the bed was aligned from north to south. In this manner, he thought, the magnetic currents of the earth would flow straight through the resting body.
- Geniuses require powers of concentration. But even that can be carried too far. In 1807, the mathematician Johann Karl Frederich Gaus was caught up in a problem while his wife lay sick upstairs. When the doctor told him his wife was dying, Gaus waved him away and never looking up from his problem, muttered, “Tell her to wait a moment till I’m through.”
- Louis Pasteur, whose work on wine, vinegar, and beer led to pasteurization, had an excessive fear of dirt and infection. He refused to shake hands, and he carefully whipped his plate and glass before dining.
- Sigmund Freud never learned to read a railway timetable. It was necessary that he be accompanied on any journey.
BEING A GENIUS IS NO BARGIN
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