Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

01/22/2023 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯Nurse Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   Leave a comment

I dedicate these limericks to all of the nurses I’ve known in my life and there’ve been a few. If there was ever a group that enjoyed naughty and lewd limericks, it’s them. Enjoy, all of you so-called nurse lovers.

πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†

An amorous writer of versus,

Was especially enamored of nurses.

But he found each advance.

In pursuit of romance

Met only with starchy reverses.

😷😷😷

A rosy cheeked nurse, from Dunellen,

Whom the Hoboken sailors called Helen,

In her efforts to please

Has spread social disease,

From New York to the Straits of Magellan!

πŸ€•πŸ€•πŸ€•

There was a young nurse named Prentice,

Who had an affair with a dentist.

To make things easier,

He used anesthesia,

And diddled her, non-compos mentis.

πŸš‘πŸš‘πŸš‘

An unfortunate nurse named Randall,

Hs the clap such as doctors can’t handle.

So, this forlorn young floozy

With her poor damaged coosie,

Must resume her delight with a candle.

🦽🦽🦽

A virginal nurse name of Lynne,

Shouted thus just before she gave in.

“It isn’t the deed,

Or the fear of the seed,

But that big worm that shedding its skin!”

❀️❀️❀️

WHO DOESN’T LIKE THE OCCASIONAL NURSE

LOL

01/16/2023 πŸ’€Grave SubjectsπŸ’€   2 comments

In my younger days I spent a great deal of time wandering through the graveyards of Southern Massachusetts. I’ve always liked cemeteries and some of the oldest graves in the country can be found in and around the Plymouth area. Say what you want about the Pilgrims, but they brought their love of catchy epithets from the old country, and they are some of the best. I spent many hours sketching cemeteries and painting a number of interesting oil paintings which allowed me to sit for hours in a quiet and serene place. Here is a small collection of epithets from this country and others.

From Church Stretton, Shropshire, England

On Thursday she was born,

On a Thursday she made a bride,

On a Thursday put to bed,

On a Thursday broke her leg, and

On a Thursday died.

πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€

From a churchyard in Oxfordshire, England

Here lies the body of John Eldred,

At least, he will be when he’s dead.

But now at this time he is alive,

The 14th of August, Sixty-five.

πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€

From Middlefield, Massachusetts

Old Thomas Mulvaney lies here.

His mouth ran from ear to ear.

Reader, tread lightly on this wonder,

For if he yawns, you’re gone to thunder.

πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€

From Keeseville, New York

Here lies a man of good repute.

Who wore a No. 16 boot.

Tis not recorded how he died,

But sure, it is, that open wide,

The gates of heaven must have been,

To let such monstrous feet within.

πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€

From Chelmsford, Essex, England

Here lies the man Richard,

And Mary his wife.

Their surname was Pritchard,

They lived without strife.

And the reason was plain,

They abounded in riches,

They had no care or pain,

And his wife wore the breeches.

πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€

Here’s a favorite from a grave in Winslow, Maine and proves that short and sweet is always the best.

Here lies the body of John Mound

Lost at sea and never found.

*****

NOW, SIT DOWN AND WRITE YOUR OWN

001/14/2023 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯Music Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   Leave a comment

I realize that many of you out there are avid music fans. I’m addicted to oldies from 1958 through 1974 and have thousands of songs from that era. I like a lot of the new stuff too but I’m able to pick and choose the ones that really get me going. While we are all music lovers, my second passion is limericks and interesting poetry. So, with that in mind I decided that today my limerick selections would be G rated and concern music and musicians. I hope you enjoy them as much as you enjoy your music.

🎡🎡🎡

By Anonymous

There was a composer named Liszt

Who from writing could seldom desiszt.

He made Polonaise.

Quite worthy of praise,

And now that he’s gone, he is miszt.

🎹🎹🎹

By Ogden Nash

A bugler named Dougal MacDougal

Found ingenious ways to be frugal.

He learned how to sneeze

In various keys,

Thus, saving the price of a bugle.

🎸🎸🎸

By Paul West

All of a sudden, the great prima-donna

Cried, “Heavens! My voice is a goner!”

But a cat in the wings

Cried, “I know how she sings,”

And finished the solo with honor.

🎼🎼🎼

By Anonymous

There was a composer named Bong

Who composed a new popular song.

It was simply the croon

Of a lovesick baboon,

With occasional thumps on the gong.

🎷🎷🎷

YOUR TURN TO HUM A FEW BARS

01/11/2023 “More Riddles from the 80’s”   Leave a comment

A week or so ago I posted a collection of riddles which could be described as a bit raunchy. Much to my surprise the response was amazing. It appears that a little off-color humor is being appreciated by more people than just me. I’ll continue with a few more gems to tickle your fancy. Let’s time travel to 1984 . . .

  • How do you circumcise a whale? Send down fore skin divers!
  • Who was a heavyweight boxing champion with a flatulence problem? Gaseous Clay!
  • Why is credit like sex? Because the people who need it the worst can’t get it!
  • What happens if you don’t pull out in time? You get a parking ticket!
  • Why does an elephant have four feet? He’d look pretty silly with just six inches!

  • What would you call a sex change surgeon? A gender amender!
  • What does a mathematician do if he’s constipated? Works it out with a pencil!
  • How do you make holy water? Take some water and boil the hell out of it!
  • Why is sex better than bowling? The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes!
  • What’s the easiest way to get a little group sex? Use both hands!

HAVE A RAUNCHY DAY!

01/09/2023 “War of the Sexes”   Leave a comment

I’m a bit of a fanatic using quotes on many of my posts since I normally use them to further verify a point or opinion I’m trying to make. I’m a believer than even though many of the persons I quote are long dead, their opinions and thoughts are still valid. Human nature unfortunately doesn’t change all that much from one generation to another. Back in the day there were just as many annoying a-holes as there are today. The funny thing is they express their a-holeness in exactly the same way. This just further supports my use of them whenever I deem it necessary. Not all quotes are friendly and nice and there are just as many derogatory things said about damn near everyone as not. Let’s take a look at a few not so flattering quotes concerning men by a group of less than happy women.

  • “A man is a creature with two legs and eight arms.” Jayne Mansfield
  • “God created Adam. Then corrected her mistake.” Brooklyn Woman’s Bar Association
  • “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” Charlotte Whitton
  • “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Gloria Steinem
  • “I married beneath me. All women do.” Nancy Astor

  • “A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” Anonymous
  • “The man is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” Jilly Cooper, Cosmopolitan Magazine
  • “I require three things on the man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.” Dorothy Parker
  • “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • “Adam came first, but men always do.” Anonymous

THE WAR OF THE SEXES CONTINUES

01/08/2023 “Sarcasm”   Leave a comment

I’m feeling somewhat sarcastic today. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me because I’ve been accused by many of using sarcasm every time I open my mouth. I can’t deny that accusation because it’s mostly true. I use sarcasm as both a weapon and also for defense against ignorance and noitallism. Noitallism is a word I’ve created to describe a common malady among certain people who think they know everything and can’t wait to rub your nose in their vast quantity of knowledge. It’s an ongoing game of verbal chess that I really do enjoy. Those of us who live for sarcasm have an interesting way of thinking as reflected by our sarcastic definitions of common words. Here are a few examples:

  • AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over 50 to remind them that they will soon be dead.
  • ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are 100 times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.
  • ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.
  • ACNE: Nature’s way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.
  • ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as the kill-me-now syndrome.

  • BANK: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can’t make it to the post office.
  • COFFEE: A laxative that you can buy in the same place that sells croissants.
  • EROTIC: Titillating, causing arousal. In other words, all the things you have to picture to look like you’re enjoying it with someone who would never let you do the things you’re picturing.
  • FOREPLAY: Two minutes of boring displays of affection that must be endured if you want to get to the good stuff.
  • FRIEND: A person you use to pass the time between relationships.

  • INTERESTING: A word meaning “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say.”
  • LIKE: A word that somewhere in the late 20th century began to be used as the connective tissue in all spoken sentences, despite the fact that the words on either side of it need nothing to connect them in the first place.
  • LOVE: A deep and abiding affection that compels you to go to the bitter end with someone you should probably have ditched at the altar.
  • SHAME: The realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.

There you have it folks, your first introduction to some of the new and improved sarcastic definitions. A special thanks goes out to the VP of sarcasm, James Napoli, and all of us sarcastic SOB’s that seem to piss off just about everyone.

SARCASM RULES!

01/07/2023 “Optimist v. Pessimist”   Leave a comment

For most of my life I’ve been called a pessimist, a cynic, and an all-around “downer”. I’m not too crazy about the term cynic and the term pessimist is primarily used only by those folks that consider themselves optimists. First of all, the term cynic doesn’t apply, I am a pragmatist. Cynic is a derogatory term used primarily by optimists to denigrate those of us who prefer a stark truth to a flowery disappointment. As far as being a “downer”, that’s a term that makes no sense whatsoever. Speaking the truth is never a “downer”, it’s just that simple. Here is the posted definition of an optimist directly from Wikipedia and we all know they never make mistakes.

optimist (ˈÀp-tΙ™-mist), noun

A person who is inclined to be hopeful and to expect good outcomes.

I know many, many, optimists and had many discussions and arguments about the advantages of being pragmatic and not having good thoughts about every damn thing you can think of. With that thought in mind I decided to do a little research to get some thoughts on optimism from a few so-called experts. Let’s see what you think about this.

  • Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables a teakettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.
  • An optimist is a man who, instead of feeling sorry he cannot pay his bills, is glad he is not one of his creditors.
  • Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves. Italian saying
  • If you count the sunny and cloudy days of the whole year, you will find that the sunshine predominates.
  • A cheerful resignation is always heroic, but no phase of life is so pathetic as a forced optimism. Elbert Hubbard
  • An optimist is one who believes that a fly is looking for a way to get out.
  • If it weren’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.

After reading the above, what kind of person are you? Are you a glass half-full person or a glass half empty person? I stand proudly as a pragmatist against any and all optimists. It’s just that I prefer reality rather than a continuing hopefulness that everything will be just fine, and everyone will own their own unicorn. Here’s a quote from one of my favorite writers and his definition of pessimism, I hope all of you optimists out there enjoy it.

Pessimist – One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

Oscar Wilde

01/06/2023 😜Retro 80’s HumorπŸ˜‚   1 comment

I just received a request from a reader to post something lighthearted and fun for a change. Since I’m neither lighthearted nor funny, I did some research and found a small paperback book hidden on a bookshelf behind some others. It’s titled Raunchy Riddles and after reading a few entries I know why it was hidden. I suppose it could be considered lighthearted and funny but that would be stretching the truth a little. This is 1980’s humor at its absolute worst. This post is dedicated to that foolish reader who requested it. Here we go!

  • What do you use to make a pickle cake? Dill Dough!
  • What would you call a sex change in Puerto Rico? A hole in Juan!
  • What’s the best thing to do if you’re on a date with an annoying nymphomaniac? Give her a vibrator and tell her to buzz off!
  • What happened to the couple that met through the social disease hotline? They lived “herpily ever after!”
  • What’s the best part of a porno movie? The coming attractions!

  • What should you do if your date won’t make love with the lights on? Close the car door!
  • What did one boob say to the other? “We’d better stop hanging so low, they’ll think we’re nuts!”
  • What happens if a lady golfer gets hit with a golf ball between the first and the second hole? It doesn’t leave a lot of room for the Band-Aid!
  • How did the four guys carry the huge drunken fat girl out of the bar? Two abreast!
  • What’s a hamburger kiss? Between the buns!

There you have it folks, some of the worst humor of the mid-1980s. The more I read the fewer I decided to post and believe it or not the above ten were the least objectionable I could find. So, to my lighthearted and funny reader, in the future be careful what you ask for. One last lighthearted tidbit just for you . . .

What’s the difference between a midget detective agency and a lady’s track team?

A midget detective agency is a cunning bunch of runts!

GOTTA LOVE THE 80’S

01/02/2023 πŸ’₯πŸ’₯2023 Limerick AlertπŸ’₯πŸ’₯   1 comment

I’ thought I’d start the new year with a small collection of limericks. This collection should be rated “PG”, so keep the youngsters away. Happy New Year to all of you limerick aficionados. Today’s collection concerns:

Sexual Misfortunes

Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham,

Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.

As they made their way back,

A crazed sex maniac

Leapt out of a bush and ignored ’em.

🍷🍷🍷

An unfortunate sailor name Bates,

Had performed the fandango on skates.

But a fall on his cutlass

Had rendered him nutless

And, well – virtually useless on dates!

πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†

A nudist, named Roger McPeet,

Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet.

Till, one chilly December,

He froze his poor member,

And retired to a monkish retreat.

🍩🍩🍩

Ancient octogenarian, Hugh,

To his wife remained steadfastly true.

This was not from compunction,

But more the dysfunction

Of his spermatic glands – nuts to you.

πŸ†πŸ©πŸ†

What better way to kick off a new year. Here’s one final limerick with a religious bent for an oh-so inclined friend.

❀️

When Lazarus came back from the dead,

He still couldn’t function in bed.

“What good’s Resurrection

Without an erection?”

Old Lazarus testily said.

AMEN TO THAT

01/01/2023 “Malaprops”   Leave a comment

I love sticking my finger in the eye of the American education system. It seems to me to be little more than a means to raise revenues more than educating our children. As in all things the term, “Follow the Money”, remains consistently true. In my early years a number of former teachers of mine did everything in their power to convince me to become an educator. Thankfully they were unsuccessful. I know now that only certain types of people can enjoy a successful career as a teacher and I’m not one of them. I’d love to teach young children but would probably be fired for my continuing conflicts with a multi-layered and liberally biased administration. It’s when I read things like I’m going to list, I’d lose my ever-loving mind. These “malaprops” were collected from test papers from grade school, high school, and college student’s papers. OMG

  • Samuel Morris invented a code for telepathy.
  • Gutenberg invented the Bible.
  • Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
  • There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.
  • Afterwords, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
  • Good punctuation means not to be late.
  • Adam and Eve wore nothing but figments.
  • When a baby is born, the doctor cuts its biblical chord.
  • If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, a proverb is a pronoun used in place of a verb.

I have one more I’d like to add which will be the cherry on top of this educational sundae.

“Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.”

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

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