Well, it’s June! What better way to start a new month than with a Limerick Alert. I understand that many of the readers of this blog wait patiently for me to post limericks that are a bit more interesting and suggestive, but once again I’ll post this selection of limericks that are cute and funny and written primarily for and by children. For those of you who like your limericks with a bit more spice, I’m compiling a collection more to your liking that will be posted in a few weeks. These six will have to carry you through until then, so let’s get started. I also hope you’ll appreciate this first limerick because it’s the only limerick ever to use the word Nantucket without offending anyone.
I for one dislike the media as much as anyone. Not that they’ve ever had anything bad to say about me personally but I hate how they consistently mislead the public by slanting their stories either to the left or to the right. I think the leftwing as it currently exists is pitiful and vicious. What gets ratings pleases their corporate owners and their promotion of inhouse biases. The right wing is just as bad, and they never hesitate to pull the same lame stunts that the left wing uses. The victims in all of this are “We the People”. I thought I’d do a little research and look back through the records to see how other people thought and felt about the media in years past. Some of these posted opinions remain anonymous and with good reason. Many of the others are opinions about the media by some of their other victims, primarily celebrities and people of wealth. Let’s see what you think.
“The mission of the modern newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” Anonymous
“I always said that when we don’t have to go through you bastards, we can really get our story over to the American people.” John Fitzgerald Kennedy – 1962
“The press is like the peculiar uncle you keep in the attic – just one of those unfortunate things.” G. Gordon Liddy
“Tabloids are fast reading for the slow thinking.” Anonymous
“The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.” Samuel Butler
“An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he’d have someone to look up to.” Gene Fowler
“The freedom of the press works in such a way that there is not much freedom from it.” Princess Grace of Monaco
“The most truthful part of a newspaper is the advertisements.” Thomas Jefferson
“The most guileful among the reporters are those who appear friendly and smile and seem to be supportive. They are the ones who seek to gut you on every occasion.” Mayor Ed Koch – 1984
“Mother (Bess Truman) considered a press conference on a par with a visit to a cage of cobras.” Margaret Truman
And here’s one of my all-time favorite quotes about the media. This is from the man who received the ultimate media related colonoscopy and deserved every minute and inch of it.
“People in the media say they must look at the president with
a microscope. Now I don’t mind a microscope, but boy, when
It’s that time again for a New Years Resolution update. With June approaching soon, let’s call this my mid-year review. In past years I’ve stumbled repeatedly with only moderate successes. I hope 2023 has better results but let’s just see.
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Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors out there). Kindle has advised me that I’ve finished 48 books so far this year. I’m on track to make this a really successful reading year.
Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.) I’ve done better with this resolution than expected. I’ve been confined to my home for the last three months with minimal contact with friends and family. We all know and understand that it’s the other people in our lives that helps to create F-Bombs, so I’m looking good for 2023 (so far).
Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin. (That’s mostly for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.) Again, my three-month confinement is saving me a boat load of Dunkin expenditures. The only person suffering is my better-half.
Drink less alcohol than last year but more than next year. (I’m dreaming!) What was I thinking? This one never had a chance.
Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked) This is another failure. Everyone knows that ten porn sites can easily be perused in under ten minutes. I truly set myself up to fail and trust me, I’ve failed miserably (you can’t see this huge smile on my face). It’s the smile of a happy and excited loser.
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No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!) I’m sure my neighbors are missing my fantastic dance routines and to them I apologize. It’s tough for me to “kick up my heels” while using a wheelchair, a walker, or a cane. Never fear, I should be healed by Labor Day and the show must go on.
Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is totry) This was doomed to immediate failure.
Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (Or maybe learn one or two new ones from them.) I received a real surprise on this one. It seems that both of them have been picking up the lingo from other sources (internet, school, and friends). The ten-year-old actually asked me if I knew what the “F” word was. I immediately denied any knowledge of that bad word because I knew if I admitted anything, he’d rush home and rat me out to his mother. I still have a chance to have some success here. Five swear words in 6 months . . . easy-peasy.
Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years. This one is difficult. Telling doctors anything is like “pissing into the wind” and that tends to make me really impolite at times.
It seems that sports are on everyone’s mind currently between basketball finals, the NFL draft, and the newly published NFL season schedules for 2024. I thought I’d participate a little myself. I like some sports but not all, but I like humorous and odd stories regardless of the sport even more. Today I’m going to touch on golf and baseball for some interesting trivia and a few smiles and laughs.
Harpo Marx
George Burns
Hillcrest Country Club in California has long been a favorite of Hollywood entertainers. One August day comedians George Burns and Harpo Marx came to the club to play a round of golf. The thermometer registered over 100° and the two decided to play without their shirts. But then the course officials heard about the shirtless golfers and rushed out to find them. “Rules are rules, you can’t play without a shirt and there are no exceptions.” they exclaimed. The comedians put their shirts back on and started to play. The officials made their way back to the clubhouse. A few minutes later, someone came rushing in with the news, “Burns and Marx are playing without their pants!” Again, the committee raced out to the course and sure enough Burns and Marx had their shirts on, but they had removed her pants were playing in their undershorts. Harpo Marx reminded the committee of the rulebook. It says we can’t play without shirts. But show me the rule that says we can’t play without pants. The officials were licked, and they knew it. There and then a new rule was made: All-male players could take off their shirts, but they had to wear pants at all times. I love it when a plan comes together.
Henry Heitman
If there is a record for the shortest major league career by a pitcher, it belongs to a right-handed pitcher named Henry Heitman. On July 27, 1918, Heitmann started a game for the Brooklyn Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals. The first four batters all hit safely and Heitmann was sent to the showers immediately. A few days later he enlisted in the United States Navy and never played major-league baseball again. That’s what I call a short career.
Bobby Jones
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem. One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that was resting on top of a workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the shoe, he found a novel solution to his problem. He played the shoe. The immortal Bobby smacked the shoe which flew off the wheelbarrow and the ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped onto the green and holed out for a par. Professionals always find a way.
If you’ve read this blog at all you already know I’m a bit of a hoarder of adages, phrases, idioms, and anything else that interests me. Today I’ll supply you with a list of twenty-five of my favorite sayings. Some are quotes from well-known people, but most are ones that I picked up along the way from whoever was lucky enough to speak them to me. Maybe you’ll find a few that tickle your fancy or your funny bone or both. Enjoy.
Everyone Lies About Sex
Religious men are fools! Fools should be taken lightly.
A parent is a little kid pretending to be a big kid so his little kid won’t be afraid.
Being involved with two women is like playing pool on two tables. You may have enough balls for it but you’ll wear out your stick.
The ten best years of a woman’s life are between the ages of twenty-nine and thirty.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
A yawn is a silent shout.
The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom respectable.
They are no premature babies, only delayed weddings.
There’s always free cheese in a mousetrap.
Chastity is curable if detected early.
If Christian nations were nations of Christians, there would be no wars.
Colleges don’t make fools, they only develop them.
Common sense could prevent most divorces and all marriages.
It is not death that alarms me but dying.
A diplomat is a person who always remembers a women’s birthday, but never her age.
In wine there is truth.
He who hesitates is last.
It’s not the men in my life I worry about, it’s the life in my men.
A pessimist thinks all women are bad. An optimist hopes they are.
The ultimate rejection is when your hand falls asleep while masturbating.
Sex is only dirty, if its done right.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I’ve always tried to supply my readers with a varied list of trivia subjects. This one is probably the most disgusting collection of trivia facts I’ve found. If you think you’ve heard everything, think again, because this list will prove you wrong. I apologize in advance to those of you who are easily shocked or disturbed. Read the first item and if you’re still shocked and disturbed, turn off your computer and go watch some reality TV. These are not for the faint of heart.
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7feet, 1 inch.
This drink is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a ‘Cunt Pump’.
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
The longest dump ever verified was produced by Jeff Tomlinson, who produced a ‘staggering ‘turd’ over a period of 2 hours 12 minutes which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 toilets in his hometown.
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 minutes 42 seconds.
Here are a few samples of some silly things that prompt many of the posts I write on current societal changes. Some I’ve personally experienced, and others were reported to me by friends, readers, and co-workers. God help us all.
In a semi-rural area. a new neighbor called the local town hall administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Once at a local Taco Bell a taco was ordered. I requested “minimal lettuce.” The server said he was sorry, but they only had “Iceberg”.
At the airport check-in an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything into your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”
The stoplight at the intersection buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine (in my opinion), when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”
At a good-bye lunch for a coworker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken.
I once worked with an individual who plugged her computer power strip back into itself and couldn’t understand why her system wouldn’t turn on.
Upon arriving at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. The service department had a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open.” The young man answered, “I already got that side.”
I’ve always been a people watcher and loved nothing more than to talk to someone I’ve never met before. People interest me primarily because I made my living talking to them. I was at times surprised and shocked by some of their attempts to communicate with me, either on the phone, in person, or in their writings. I was cleaning out some old files recently and came upon a handwritten resume I received for a job I’d posted for a multi-state investigator position (many years ago). The job had quite a bit of responsibility for multiple locations in a number of surrounding states. Needless to say, I needed someone absolutely trustworthy. I’ll type the body of this resume I received because the handwriting was god-awful. My question to you is: Would you have hired this person to secure your business, home, family or belongings?
Here are excerpts from one of the strangest resumes I’ve ever received. I’ve tried to correct some of the many spelling and grammar errors, or you wouldn’t be able to understand much of this at all. Read on.
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As I answer your advertisement in the newspaper, I would like to tell you something about myself. And of my background. I am not Hispanic! I was married and divorced from a Spaniard and never remarried. I have military and police corrections background. I also have approximately 23 years of retail sales experience, having worked for a number of the larger well-known department stores.
I have traveled extensively over the U.S.A. I grew up in a white ghetto, married a newsman, work in a hospital as a CSR tech. I study law as a hobby but not in the classroom, although I do have two years of college.
I know street language, jail jargon, drug language, petty theft, organized crime and white-collar crime. I do not know much about ballistics.
Because of my background, my Social Security number is being used by four or five people for fraud. That makes it difficult for me to find work. I have never been arrested, charged, or anything similar to it. But the ones using my Social Security numbers have various backgrounds.
I qualify for the for the newly emerging veterans training program, on-the-job training. My salary would be open to negotiations. I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you,
Sincerely and as always, I’m just a gal named Gus
(I can and will relocate or travel)
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After attempting to read and understand the resume, I contacted the local authorities and much to my surprise she was well known in the area as a questionable individual (and not in a good way). I actually responded to her letter to let her know I was running a background check with local police. It came as no surprise to me that she never responded. The refusal letter came back unclaimed.
I’m feeling especially nostalgic today and I’m not sure exactly why. I do enjoy looking back to times that make me smile or laugh out loud which brings me immediately back to the 1990’s. I’m going to relive a few things concerning the 42nd President, Wild Bill Clinton, and his charming yet annoying pant-suited wife Hilary. I admit that Joe Biden is something of an idiot but not in a good way. Clinton was up front about most of his idiotic proclivities because we all knew he was just a six-foot-tall penis looking for a place to play. Also, being married to Hilary garnered him a great deal of sympathy from both the Right and the Left. As a couple they were the best targets for ridicule in decades. Never let it be said that I didn’t give an appropriate mention of his favorite cigar toting pal, Monica Lewinsky (the human humidifier).
Here are a few interesting quotes that will bring back all of the memories of those disturbing years.
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Bill, referring to an excavated Incan mummy.
“You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good looking mummy!”
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Bill, after receiving the Romanian flag while visiting there.
“Thanks for the poncho.”
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Bill, on the UN operation in Bosnia.
“It has not worked. No one can say it has worked, so I decided that we’re either going to do what we said we’re going to do with the UN, or we’re going to do something else.”
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Now for a couple pearls of wisdom from his loving yet understanding better-half.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President.”
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“Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.”
I was wondering to myself if the response to this posting will be affected by the unusual title. I guess I’ll have my answer sometime tomorrow, but nothing would really surprise me. It’s just my sneaky way of beginning a post on religion. I’m not a big fan as you would already know if you’ve read this blog in the past. I have a friend or two that are true believers, and this is my subtle way of expressing my thoughts on the subject. Many religious folks enjoy using their religions sacred writings to make their points with me, but I find that a bit ludicrous. To take those documents as the literal word of some god is frightening in its naivete. Here are a few blurbs from various religions to help me make my point once again.
According to the Bible If your wife defends your life in a fight by grabbing your attackers genitals, you should cut off your wife’s hand and have no pity on her.
If robbers came to your house while you were having guests, it’s better to offer up your two virgin daughters to the robbers than for your guests to come to any harm.
The proper way to seal a deal in the Bible is to exchange sandals.
More than 60% of Americans think the story of Noah’s Ark is literal truth.
It is better to dwell alone in the desert than at home with a nagging and complaining wife. (Proverbs 21:19)
More than 46% of Americans believe God created humans in their present form, at one time, within the last 10,000 years.
God has commanded Mormons to avoid coffee and tea.
On the eve of Yom Kippur, some observant Jews swing live chickens over their head three times to atone for their sins. It’s called kaparos.
If you want to sleep with your brother’s wife, it’s better to masturbate – or better yet, to pull out early and ejaculate on the ground, in order to avoid getting her pregnant.
Men should not shave any parts of their head and beards.
May the Lord bless everyone who beats your children against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)
Mormons believe that the Garden of Eden was located in northern Missouri.
everyuselessthing.com 