Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

10/05/2022 Miscellaneous   Leave a comment

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

It seems that this cold snap and the end of Summer is having a bad effect on almost everyone. So, for all you grumpy and pissed off people let me amuse you with a few really stupid newspaper headlines. They might just force some of you to smile.

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACE

CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR GARDEN USE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

BLIND WOMEN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS

MAN, SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE

😮😮😮

COURT RULES BOXER SHORTS ARE INDEED UNDERWEAR

BITING NALS CAN BE A SIGN OF TENSENESS IN A PERSON

CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

🫤🫤🫤

Cheer up people. Things could be much worse.

There’s only 81 shopping days left to Christmas.

10/01/2022 Do You Want to be a Celebrity?   1 comment

I’m not much of a follower of all things Hollywood but like it or not some information makes its way to me regardless. Only a few days ago I made the mistake of roaming around on Facebook. To my surprise there was a lengthy posting about female celebrities without makeup. If you think horror flicks are the scariest thing ever, you’d be wrong. There were more than a few rather famous female stars that I’ve lusted over in the past, but Facebook has ruined that forever. It still gives me cold chills if I think about it for too long. I’m not an innocent and naive blushing bride by any means. I realize that Hollywood takes its job seriously when recreating a regular human being into a “STAR”. That process requires many stars to change their names. Here are a few interesting samples which are self-explanatory.

Elton John -Reginald Dwight

Joan Rivers – Joan Molinsky

James Garner – James Baumgarner

Barry Manilow – Barry Pincus

Spike Lee – Shelton Lee

Snoop Dogg – Cordozar Broadus

Tina Turner -Annie Mae Bullock

Winona Ryder – Winona Horowitz

Sting – Gordon Summer

Stevie Wonder – Steveland Judkins

I’m now seriously thinking about changing my name. I’ve always felt that my name was as boring as it gets but picking a new one is really difficult. If I were to be a porn-star I’d probably go for I.M Lancelot, but since I’m just a normal boring person I would need something spectacular to catch everyone’s attention.

I’M CONSIDERING “ELVIS MONROE”

09/25/2022 “Miscellaneous Truths”   Leave a comment

The truth is sometimes strange and at other times ridiculous. These factoids are a little of both. They’re good for making a few bucks at bar bets on trivia night.

  • The term ” soap opera” comes from the fact that shows used to work advertisements for soap powder into the plot lines.
  • A champagne cork flying out of a bottle can travel as fast as 100 miles per hour.
  • People who fear the number 666 suffer from hexakaosioihexekontahexaphobia.
  • On November 21, 1980, 83 million Americans tuned in to watch the finale of the Dallas cliffhanger “Who Shot J.R.?” A few weeks earlier, 85.1 million Americans voted in the Reagan-Carter presidential election.
  • During a 60-year life span, an average tree will produce nearly 2 tons of leaves to be raked.

  • Dancing the tango was considered a sin in Paris during the early 1900s.
  • Those roped off areas where boxing matches take place actually used to be round, hence the term “boxing ring”.
  • Pope John XXI (1276-01277) had been in office less than a year before the ceiling on a new wing of his palace collapsed on him while he slept. He died six days later.
  • Nearly 4% of American women claim that they never wear underwear.
  • The Pentagon goes through more than 600 rolls of toilet paper every day.

TOO WEIRD TO BELIEVE? . . . WELL, BELIVE IT ANYWAY

Quote of the Day

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just

don’t have as many people who believe it.”

George Carlin

09/24/2022 “Epithets”   Leave a comment

As I’ve stated many times in the past, I’ve always had a fascination with graveyards and cemeteries. With that thought in mind, here are a few of my favorite humorous epithets. It’s good to have a sense of humor even after death.

From Enosburg, Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

☠️☠️☠️

From Bayfield, Mississippi

Stranger pause. my tale attend,

And learn the cause of Hannah’s end.

Across the world the wind did blow,

She ketched a cold that laid her low.

We shed a lot of tears ’tis true,

But life is short – aged 82.

☠️☠️☠️

From Medway, Massachusetts

Beneath this stone, this lump of clay,

Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,

Who too early in the month of May

Took off his winter flannels.

☠️☠️☠️

From Canterbury, Kent, England

Of children in all she bore twenty-four:

Thank the Lord there will be no more.

☠️☠️☠️

From Chelmsford, Essex, England

Herer lies the man Richard,

And Mary his wife.

Their surname was Pritchard,

They lived without strife.

And the reason was plain,

They abounded in riches,

They had no care or pain,

And his wife wore the breeches.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOURS YET?

09/23/2022 “The Media”   Leave a comment

Over the years and after many mergers the Mainstream Media has become an arm of the corporations that seem to have their fingers into everything. It’s become painfully clear that many media types have become TV stars in their own right. You would think that those under public scrutiny would be more careful than most about the articles and headlines they post or print. I guess that folks who control what we see and read could at times be less than careful. To prove my point read these wonderfully lame and stupid headlines that made their way through writers and editors to amuse and annoy the rest of us.

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us

Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty

This kind of carelessness is unbelievable. Lots of people are being paid lots of money to create these ridiculous headlines. Hopefully going forward the newspapers and websites will at least make some effort to stop the madness.

DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH

09/15/2022 “Americas Pastime”   Leave a comment

I’m a huge fan of baseball primarily because I played it for so many years. It’s the best! However, I will continue to poke the baseball bear in the eye whenever possible. The game is sacred to me, but the individual players are not. So, let’s have a little fun today.

“Any pitcher who throws at a batter and deliberately tries to hit him is a Communist.” Alvin Dark, New York Giants Infielder

“Even Napoleon had his Watergate.” Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager

“Folks, this is perfect weather for today’s game. Not a breath of air.” Curt Gowdy, sports commentator

“All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion.” Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher

“I am throwing twice as hard as I ever did. It’s just not getting there as fast.” Lefty Gomez, New York Yankee pitcher

“I prefer fast foods.” Infielder Rocky Bridges, when asked why he wouldn’t eat snails

“I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.” Tug McGraw, National League pitcher, when asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

“Raise the urinals.” Darrel Chaney, Atlanta Braves infielder, on how to keep the Braves on their toes

“Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.” Pedro Guerrero, National League player

“I lost it in the sun.” Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodger pitcher after fumbling a grounder

PLAY BALL!

09/12/2022 “MORE ANONYMOUS SAYINGS”   Leave a comment

Yesterday I posted a list of sayings, and most were attributed to people who are or were once famous. The response to that posting was excellent leading me to try something a little different. Have you ever heard a friend or acquaintance say something that “stuck with you”, something funny or profound? Today’s list will be pearls of wisdom from the smartest person in the world, “Anonymous”. We never seem to realize just how smart that SOB can be.

  • A gossip tells things before you have a chance to tell them.
  • We expect our children to learn good table manners without ever seeing any.
  • The other night, while lying on the couch, I reviewed the high point of my life and fell asleep.
  • Imagination makes a man think he can run the business better than the boss.
  • He who peeps through a hole may see what will vex him.

  • Strange how much you’ve got to know before you know how little you know.
  • People are living longer now; they have too – who can afford to die?
  • Some people are easily entertained. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them.
  • Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.
  • Marriage is a wonderful institution. If it weren’t for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with perfect strangers.

THANK YOU ANONYMOUS

09/09/2022 “CLASSIFIED ADS”   Leave a comment

I decided to dig into the archives for a few of my favorite classified adds from a number of sources. How many of these would motivate you to call?

  • Free puppies . . . part German Shepherd/part dog.
  • Cows, calves never bred . . . also one gay bull for sale.
  • Full sized mattress: 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Free, one can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 bedroom, 2 bath home.
  • Get a Little John. The Traveling Urinal – holds two and half beers.

  • Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
  • American Flag – 60 stars – pole included – $100.00.
  • Our sofa seats the whole mob – and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
  • Open House – Body Shapers Toning Salon – Free Coffee and Donuts.
  • Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00.

As I’ve heard it said so many times in the past: “You just can’t make this shit up!” After reading through Craig’s List, it wasn’t much better there. Yikes!

GIANT A-HOLE FOR SALE . . . CALL THE WHITE HOUSE ASAP

08/18/2022 💥MORE RETRO RIDDLES💥   1 comment

It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .

  • What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
  • When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
  • What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
  • What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
  • Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!

  • Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
  • Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
  • What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
  • What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
  • What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!

SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND

08/14/2022 Fun and BS   Leave a comment

HILLARY CLINTON ADOPTS ALIEN BABY

Back in the day it was normal for almost anyone standing in line at any grocery store to be bored out of their mind. What do you do then? You take one of the ever so strange publications in the rack and read the most outrageous stories that were obviously nothing but BS in tabloids like The National Inquirer, The Sun, and The Daily Record. I’m pleased to announce that most if not all of them still exist but these days they’re mostly on-line. My current favorite is The Weekly World News. They take legitimate stories and then spice them up with some of the worst headlines and facts that are twisted beyond belief. They are nothing more than hysterically funny comic relief. Here are a few samples of their work:

Alien Backs Clinton!

Bat Child Found in Cave!

Half-Human Half-Fish Found in Florida!

Titanic Baby Found Alive!

Bug Size UFO Found on Playground!

And you thought I was kidding. Here are a few more of their most outrageous stories and headlines. You can’t help but smile and shake your head after reading them.

11-YEAR-OLD BOY RAPED – BY SEX STARVED MAID WITH AIDS

BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS

KID WITH THREE ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION

I MADE MYSELF PREGNANT WITH A TURKEY BASTER

ANT ARMY EATS 935 PEOPLE

SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHS SO HARD – HE SLIT HIS THROAT

HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS FLATTENS TOWN

CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS

It’s interesting to sit back and enjoy “fake news” for a change that isn’t carefully disguised and worded by the Mainstream Media and all of our straight-shooting politicians. If you’d like to see more stop off at their website: weeklyworldnews.com. It’s worth a few laughs which we definitely need more of these days.

START YOUR WEEK WITH A LAUGH

%d bloggers like this: