Archive for December 2014
Well these few days of peace and quiet after Christmas are really starting to lose their magic. All of this noiselessness is beginning to make me a little antsy and on top of that the weather is insanely mild. I’ve lived in Maine for a long time and I’ve never seen weather in the mid-fifties with sunshine the week before New Years Day. While its saving us a great deal of money in heating oil costs it’s still a bit unsettling.
Yesterday was warm and sunny and there was no way we were staying home. We spent a good part of the day in the city of Portland and the surrounding area. We had a quick snack while on the road for lunch because we were planning on dinner at my favorite restaurant later in the day. It’s only my favorite restaurant because they serve the best damn catfish I’ve ever had. It’s called Famous Dave’s and it’s menu is good old down home southern food all the way. Lots of BBQ and an entire table full of hot sauce choices which make me sweat just thinking about them.
We ate until we were stuffed and I even tried two of their moonshine margaritas. It’s moonshine instead of tequila with the glass rimmed with salt flavored with BBQ sauce. I know it sounds a little strange but they are delicious. They also require the assistance of a designated driver because after just two they tend to make you a little weak in the knees.
We’re planning for a quiet New Years celebration with Chinese food, two glasses, and a bottle of good champagne. After that good meal we’ll settle in for some of the celebrations scheduled on the always helpful television. Watch the ball drop, get a long and mushy kiss, drink some champagne and slide quietly into bed. The better-half works early the next morning so we can’t really make a late night of it.
If you’re driving or going out for the evening be sure to bring along a good designated driver or hire a limo but by all means be safe. Start the new year off properly without any DUI’s, accidents, or worse.
HAPPY 2015
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With New Year’s approaching I’ve begun to think about my resolutions for 2015. In preparation for the new list it only makes sense to review last year’s resolutions. It might be necessary to use a few of them that I failed to live up to again this year.
2014
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Read five books a month. COMPLETED
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Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking. He still isn’t talking enough to complete this one. FAILURE
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Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week. COMPLETED
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Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year. COMPLETED
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Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month). . . . as of 12/28/2014 $391.32. BIG FAILURE
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Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room, it scares the neighbors. I managed to stop the dancing but not being naked seems impossible for me. FAILURE
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Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life. COMPLETED
Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff. I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.
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I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year.
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I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them.
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I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R".
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I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he has started repeating damn near everything.
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I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandson) who irritate, annoy or piss me off.
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I vow to stop flirting with just anyone. There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not always a good thing for my self esteem.
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For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window. It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.
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I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws.
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I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month.
I’ll do my first review of these new resolutions sometime in June. Hopefully I’ll be on track to complete every one for the first time. As always the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
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Finally Christmas has come and gone. For me it was the longest Christmas season of my life. The retailers started their season well before Halloween and it increased in intensity every week. It wasn’t all that bad but it truly was annoying at times.
The house is quiet for the first time in a week and while I had a great week it was also exhausting. The visitors and family have returned to their homes safely and for that I’m grateful. I ate too damn much, drank a little more than I should have, and helped spoil the hell out of our grandson. It was all good until I climbed back onto my treadmill yesterday. I thought I was gonna die.
Christmas Day was insane as you can see from the pictures. The grandson was sitting in the middle of the debris and I just thought I’d tell you that my cat is also in there somewhere.
“Stuffing”
My bird turned out great and so did the better-half’s special family stuffing recipe. The day after we all had cold turkey sandwiches that we’re almost as good as eating it fresh from the oven. I see a huge turkey pot pie in my future and after that the remains of that poor bird will make an excellent soup. If I could figure a way to eat the bones I would. I’m a true carnivore. Here’s the before and after photos of that delicious bird.
“Before”
“After”
I suppose we’ll be keeping the decorations up until New Years has but there’s more going on there than even you can imagine. A few days ago my step- daughter made a comment that she knew me and was sure that the Christmas tree would be down and packed away before 2015. After some discussion my better-half and I decided to do something totally off the wall and outside the box. It looks as if we’re going to keep the tree up for all of 2015. Each month it will be decorated for any holidays that fall during that month. Next up will be the Valentines Tree but before that the Superbowl Tree will be killer.
Each months pictures will be posted of the tree and copies forwarded to the all knowing step-daughter as well. I’ve accepted her challenge and it should be a hoot.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
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It’s Christmas Eve and our visitors have come and gone. It was a an afternoon and evening of relaxing, catching up, and snacking ourselves into submission. We’ll be having a huge dinner of turkey and all the trimmings tomorrow so it was decided tonight to just snack.
A large plate of cheeses (habanero is my favorite, of course) crackers, a few pounds of shrimp, cookies, veggies, and drinks all around. We all participated in an excellent X-Box bowling tournament and a few games of darts. Then we settled in for the movie of the night, Guardians of the Galaxy, and it was a fun and entertaining movie. The grandson was mingling with everyone and watching Mickey Mouse on his mother’s cell phone. It really is nice being around a true Santa believer for a change.
It’s later now and they’ve all just left for home. Getting the little guy to sleep will be the real Christmas miracle tonight. We all need to get some rest because tomorrow will be another very long day. It’s my turn to prepare the bird and my better-half is supplying her favorite family stuffing recipe for her kids. I should be one helluva meal.
We’ll be exchanging gifts around midday with the dinner to follow. So I’m off to bed to read a few chapters of one of my favorite detective novel. I have a collection of those novels on my e-reader and they help me get to sleep almost every night.
For those of you who celebrate your holiday on Christmas Eve, have a Merry Christmas. I’ll have a few additional pictures to post of our Christmas on Saturday and then it will be on to New Years.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
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It’s taken me some time to read through all of the changes I’ve made on the review of my list of “100 Things I Hate” compiled five years ago. It became obvious early on that my opinions on some things had drastically changed. I initially made the list as a tongue-in-cheek exercise but as it progressed I became more and more serious about the items I was adding. The following 64 items are those that survived the review and I still hate them all. If I indicated even a fifty percent improvement on any item it was removed from this list because if you truly hate something it should be all or nothing. Here’s what’s left.
#1 Rosie O’Donnell
#2 Dirty Fingernails
#3 Criminals
#4 Funerals
#5 Backward Baseball Caps
#6 Large Groups of People
#7 Old Gum Under Tables
#8 Penis Tattooing
#9 Dumb Cashiers
#10 Stinky Feet
#11 Decomposition
#12 Bugs Crawling On Me
#13 Terrorists
#14 Overweight Pets
#15 Know-It-All’s
#16 Hospitals
#17 Oprah Winfrey
#18 Will Ferrell
#19 The Smell of Urine
#20 Corpse’s
#21 Political Correctness
#22 Drug Users
#23 Clowns
#24 Corns
#25 Organic Food
#26 Liars
#27 Ear Hair
#28 Organic Food
#29 Dirty Toilets
#30 Stinky Cheese
#31 Opossums
#32 Extra Toes
#33 Nose Hair
#34 Vegans
#35 Fake Boobs
#36 Ass Kissers aka Brown-Noser’s
#37 Autopsy’s
#38 Stinky Breath
#39 Illegal Aliens
#40 Democrats
#41 Wet Farts
#42 Feet Calluses
#43 Performing Artists
#44 Ugly or Fugly Feet
#45 Sean Penn
#46 Road Kill
#47 Belly Button Lint
#48 Arrogant People
#49 Noisy Radios
#50 The French
#51 Gerbils
#52 Road Tolls
#53 Hairy Nipples
#54 Yellow Nail Polish
#55 Crowded Elevators
#56 Baby Pageants
#57 Pot Holes
#58 Screaming Brats
#59 Texting While Driving
#60 Saggy Pants
#61 Penis Caught In Zipper
#62 Tailgater’s
#63 Stinky Arm Pits
#64 Ex-Wives
The list has been read and reread a a dozen times and is is my final version for 2014. It’s nice to see how much I’ve changed in just five years. A 35% reduction in hated items seems huge to me and I plan on another review at this time next year. I’m sure to make reductions then and probably will have a number of new items to add which will have aggravated me in 2015. With that thought in mind I’ll add this following item to the list and truthfully it should have been included on the last one as well:
#65 Anything in Moderation
It just had to be said.
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I’m glad to announce this is the final installment of my list of the 100 Things I Once Hated. It’s been an interesting process for me but I doubt if it’s been all that interesting for you. I’ll get into that thought in more detail in my next posting where I evaluate the results in more detail. Lets get going . . .
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#86 Crowded Elevators – If you’re the least bit claustrophobic you’ll understand this item. Without extensive therapy this could never change and I’m positive it will never change because there will be no extensive therapy. No improvement.
#87 Gossips – Everyone gossips at some point in their life and I have no problem with the little unimportant bits of nonsense people chat about. It’s the malicious gossiping that’s burned me a few times in the past. 50% improvement.
#88 Baby Pageants – How these things are permitted by law puzzles me. Under any other circumstances if you dress up a little girl to look like an adult and parade her around in front of a group of other adults you could get some jail. No improvement at all.
#89 Pot Holes – These damn things have cost me hundreds of dollars over the years in repairs to many of my vehicles. I’m still waiting for any offer from ten or so municipalities to repay me for the damage caused by their unrepaired roads. It’s a good thing I’m not holding my breath on that one. No improvement.
#90 Screaming Brats – Being a former screaming brat myself I have great insight into this issue. Whether in a store, a bus, a street corner, or anywhere else, I can’t stand them. No improvement.
#91 Texting While Driving – You might think I’d be a little lenient towards people who text while driving since the woman who smashed into my car while I was sitting at a stop sign was responsible for me buying my first digital camera. It was the money left over after all the damages to my vehicle were fixed. No improvement.
#92 Saggy Pants – This item is right up there with backward baseball caps and underwear sticking out over your jeans. Idiotic, moronic, and ridiculous. No improvement.
#93 Warts – I’ve had one or two of these over the years and they are an annoyance more than anything. Genital warts are another story completely but luckily I haven’t had them and I hope I never do. 50% improvement.
#94 Granny Panties – Just thinking about these makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. They should be outlawed by the courts with mandatory caning on a bare ass as punishment. I’m not hating them any longer but OMFG who in their right mind likes them? 50% improvement.
#95 Penis Caught In Zipper – Every guy that just read this sentence cringed a little. This is some of the worst pain a man can suffer not even taking into account the accompanying embarrassment. No improvement.
#96 Multiple Chins – And I’m not referring to those famous Chinese Chins mentioned in some jokes. Thank God for plastic surgery but unfortunately not everyone can afford it. I guess it’s not really hate I feel but sympathy. 100% improvement.
#97 Tailgater’s – This applies not to football game tailgaters but to drivers. When I was a cop I loved issuing citations for this violation and that’s when I learned what job satisfaction was really all about. No improvement.
#98 Stinky Arm Pits – This item should be grouped with B.O. and bad breath. I hate them all individually and I especially hate those people who sport all three. No improvement.
#99 Nosy People – The fact that most nosy people are almost always the first ones to gossip makes it even worse. I really don’t hate nosy people who gossip because it’s great fun to feed them made-up facts or untrue information and then to sit back and watch the fun. 50% improvement.
#100 Ex-Wives – No further explanations should be needed here. Ask any divorced person about their exes and you’ll get the same answer. No improvement.
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There you have it. As you can see there have been many changes in how I feel about things in just the last five years. Check back in two days to see my 2014 newly revised list of “Things I Really Did Hate” in my next posting.
By the way – FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
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This morning I was awake and drinking my first cup of coffee at 4:30am and trying to decide whether to watch an hour of NASA TV or to wade through an hour of quantum mechanics on NOVA. I have a real interest in all things space and science and NASA is doing such incredible work in so many areas it’s difficult to keep up. Anything is better than being inundated with the worst part of the Christmas season . . . effing emails.
Even quantum mechanics and the use of cold temperatures to produce a new generation of super conductors is better than dealing with those emails. Believe me when I say I barely understand some of the concepts but anything that will block out this constant drumbeat and commercialization of Christmas is a welcome change.
I look out the window and see rain. The snow has come and gone and things are drab. It doesn’t feel the least bit like Christmas for some reason and I’m finding myself disappointed. Christmas music is not something I’d want to spend a lot of time listening to but a little of it is fine. This year I see a marked reduction in the seasonal music and the general feeling of Christmas. I wish I could be paid a dollar for every email I’ve received in the last eight weeks related specifically to BUY BUY BUY. That in itself is seriously depressing.
The two biggest offenders are Best Buy and Tiger Direct. Tiger Direct is an on-line retailer for electronics and was where the old Circuit City company came to die. I’m receiving upwards of five to ten emails a day from them and I’m very close to unsubscribing from them forever. It’s become something akin to cyber stalking or just plain harassment. There are other offenders as well and I’m averaging a minimum of 25-30 emails a day. They’ve effectively sucked the life of Christmas for me this year. I would like to thank Amazon, one of the biggest retailers in history, who care enough about their customers to leave them the hell alone.
I’m hoping that on Christmas Day I’ll see that light of Christmas spirit in the eyes of our grandson who is the perfect age to really enjoy it. I think next year my approach to the season will be very different. My birthday falls in August which is when I foresee the Christmas barrage beginning. That will be the time that I unsubscribe to every on-line retailer on my email contact list which hopefully will remove 90% of these irritating and annoying emails. I’m also considering setting up a new email account that I’ll supply to any retailer I make on-line purchases from. That account will then collect all of these annoying emails but will have no direct contact to me in anyway. I can just go about my life with the knowledge that at some future date the company supplying me with that mailbox will erase them all.
With five shopping days left I’m anticipating a deluge of last minute emails trying to coerce me into spending more and more money. To all of them I wish a very Merry Christmas and a big KMA. That’s "Kiss My Ass" for those of you not familiar with this blog.
KMA
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Well I’m in the home stretch of this process and my list of 100 has been whittled down to just 30. Today will complete items 71-85 leaving only the last 15 to deal with on Thursday. Let’s get right into it.
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#71 Sean Penn – There’s no way in hell this item will ever change. I can’t find any redeeming value in his work or his personality. Unfortunately I can only hate up to 100% but with this guy I wish I could go higher. No improvement whatsoever.
#72 Jeans w/Holes – This is a look that even really beautiful women can’t pull off. I find it unsexy when someone is wearing clothes that just a few years ago I would have thrown away. I’m no longer going to hate these items of clothing but will admit to 100% feeling of Stupidity for the people who insist on wearing them. I get the same feeling when I see grown men wearing backward baseball caps. 100% improvement.
#73 Road Kill – Truly a disgusting display at any time but even worse in hot weather. Pair up disgusting with smelly and you’ve really got a winner. No improvement.
#74 Mohawks – There are variations of this item. The large. crazy and oddly colored ones I hate. The smaller and more contemporary Mohawks are subtle and don’t bother me near as much. 50% improvement.
#75 Belly Button Lint – If you stick your tongue into your lover’s belly button just once and come up with a lint ball stuck to it you can understand where I’m coming from. It’s like finding a short and curly hair on your pizza. Unacceptable and no improvement.
#76 Stinky Garbage – I’ll claim a slight change of heart on this one. Stinky garbage is something that annoys me 100%. I think hate was too strong of a word. 100% improvement.
#77 Arrogant People – There are two types of arrogant people. There are those who are really good at what they do and they throw it in your face. Then there are those who are totally incompetent and use the arrogance as a defense mechanism. Either way they both suck. No improvement.
#78 Inverted Nipples – Nipples are meant to be appreciated and played with. I find it extremely difficult to do that when they’re inverted. I really don’t hate any nipples so I’ll claim 100% improvement.
#79 Noisy Radios – Whether it’s in a restaurant, in a passing vehicle, or anywhere else it’s the most annoying thing ever. There’s a crime called "Disturbing the Peace" and I hate when someone does that to me by accident or intentionally. No improvement.
#80 The French – A liberal society with no sense of gratitude towards a country that saved their collective asses on two occasions. If they get jammed up again I hope we have the good sense to let them work things out on their own. No surrender-monkey improvement.
#81 Gerbils – Disgusting and creepy animals that serve no useful purpose that I can find. They are worth buying just so they can be disposed of. No improvement.
#82 Wallflowers – Another item where hate was too strong a word. I just feel bad for anyone who is stuck in this kind of rut. Most times they’ll grow out of it but some never do. 100% improvement.
#83 Road Tolls – Just another government intrusion into my wallet. I’ve always hated income taxes and even more so these sneaky hidden ones. No improvement now or ever.
#84 Hairy Nipples – This primarily concerns just the females out there. These days many of them expect their men to be hairless. I think it’s only fair that they pay closer attention to our wishes about them. I just hate women with hairy nipples and I find it really strange when they’re confronted with it and claim ignorance of the problem. You’d think they might look down every so often and notice. No improvement.
#85 Yellow Nail Polish – This is just something that bugs me. I’m sure there are a lot of younger women who go this route and love the color. I do not. It looks like you have smoker’s fingers and that for me is a complete turnoff. Just give me neatly manicured nails with a dark blood red color. 50% improvement.
* * *
Fifteen more items to go and I can put this little project to bed. I’ll post the final installment on Thursday and then a final evaluation on Monday. Then it will be on to other things and completion of my 2015 New Year’s resolutions.
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It’s early and I’m still snuggled up in this warm bed and I never ever want to leave it. My better-half is a person who isn’t entirely sure how to relax and just a few minutes ago she left this cozy bed to begin her endless list of chores. She’s driven by her imaginary To-Do list that instantly becomes her number one priority as soon as her feet hit the floor. I’m a goal oriented person myself but luckily I know when to just lay back, block out the world, and relax. Any minute now she’ll be delivering me a steaming hot cup of hazelnut coffee and then she’ll disappear into own little world of Christmas stuff and loud annoying music.
I don’t dislike Christmas as many people think but I also have no great love for it. As a kid It was much more of a religious holiday thanks mostly to my mother. As I grew older and lost my interest in organized religion I also lost most of my interest in Christmas. I really enjoy sharing gifts with friends and family and I actually enjoy the giving more than the receiving. My better-half is Christmas crazy and it’s gotten progressively worse since the birth of her grandson. With another child expected in March I can only assume next Christmas will be totally out of control.
There’s nine shopping days left until the big day and I’m actually looking forward to having the grandson under the tree and up to his neck in wrapping paper and gifts. He doesn’t realize yet because of his young age that this will be this last Christmas as the lone grand child. Next year he’ll have a new sibling to share the limelight with and so it will be forever. I plan on spoiling him a bit this year because I’m really sympathetic to his plight.
I’m even considering sneaking down to his house after dark disguised as Santa to look in the window and scare the crap out of him like my parents and family did to me. It was an odd way to show their love but after a few years of being deathly afraid of Santa I was able to man up and get on with my life. It was really scary.
I was about his age when my sister was born and things were never quite the same after that. I wasn’t too happy with sharing the limelight and neither will he I’m sure. That rivalry will last forever. So our little man is going to have one terrific Christmas which I hope he’ll remember and appreciate someday. I see I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half which means she’ll start bugging me to get the hell out of bed and get busy.
I fully intend to convince her that today I have my own To-Do list to worry about. Then I’ll post the blog, grab my camera, and disappear from the premises. I figure any time I can steal and spend driving around and taking pictures is a win/win. I could also hint that I need to buy her another gift or two and that should do the trick.
That’s my Christmas Story and I’m sticking to it.
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It’s time for installment number five of the “Things I Once Hated” in the hopes that it’ll show I’m no longer the hater I once was. I keep telling people I’m mellowing with age but after listening to some of their comments I’m beginning to think they still aren’t believing me. I am getting mellower dammit! What’s wrong with all these people? Let’s just get started on today’s items 56-70 before I get irritated even further.
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#56 Vegans – These smelly people are no better than those religious types who insist on showing up at my house to irritate me. Trying to convince me not to eat meat is like asking the pope not to pray so much. It looks good on paper but it will never work. No improvement here you stupid veggie eating, Kool-aid drinking, dipsticks.
#57 Greasy Sink Water – Thank god for Dawn dish detergent. It’s helped me to eliminate this problem from my life which is reflected by my 50% reduction in hatred.
#58 Fake Boobs – As I’ve previously stated many times I love boobs. I’ll further qualify that statement by saying I still hate fake boobs. Some of the fakes are nice to look at as a general rule many look a little strange. Unless the women are willing to spring for the added expense of a nipple relocation they can get downright bizarre. No improvement.
#59 Ass Kissers aka Brown-Noser’s – Over the years I’ve worked with many of these folks and while it can be fun to watch them go through their antics I still can’t respect them or like them. No improvement.
#60 Waiting in Lines – This has always made me a little crazy. With the development of e-readers and IPads it no longer bothers me quite so much. 50% improvement.
#61 Autopsy’s – This can never change. I’ve been present at quite a few and it never gets any easier. No improvement.
#62 Bee Stings – This one has faded into my past and something I’ve finally learned to deal with. If they sting me now I just get the best bee killing insecticide on the market and kill every last one of the little bastards. 100% improvement.
# 63 Stinky Breath – To me this is just one step below Body Odor. What’s amazing to me is that 77.54% of people who have BO also have terrible breath. Is there some sort of connection there? Who knows? No improvement.
#64 Illegal Aliens – Seeing as how my better-half’s son currently living in LA was rear ended by an unlicensed and uninsured illegal Mexican driver this week. No freaking improvement. Suck it Mr. President.
#65 Adam Sandler – I’ve totally changed my mind on Mr. Sandler. I’ve finally seen a few things of his that I really enjoyed. 100% improvement.
#66 Democrats – I’ll just refer you back to my comment on Liberals at item #36. No improvement.
#67 Wet Farts – I don’t like having them and I don’t like sitting near someone else who’s having them. PU! No improvement.
#68 Feet Calluses – I’ll again refer you back to item #40, Corns. There’s nothing as romantic as snuggling on the couch with your spouse and be forced to watch her sand her calluses or trim her toe nails. Ahhhhh, true love. No improvement.
#69 Performing Artists - These might be the most annoying of the street people with Mimes leading the pack. For me they’re even worse than the homeless. At least the homeless will go away after you give them a buck. These fools stick around and refuse to leave. No improvement.
#70 Ugly or Fugly Feet – This item is not about Corns or Calluses. It’s about just plain ugly feet. Why is it that people with the ugliest feet also insist on wearing sandals to restaurants. I’ve got a thing for feet and that’s the worst experience I could have. “Down With Ugly Feet”, now there’s your bumper sticker. No improvement.
* * *
That leaves only thirty more items before I complete the review of my list of 100. I think I’m making good progress so far and I plan on posting the newly revised list once this review has been completed.
Mr. Mellow signing off.
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