Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category
I’m feeling a little calmer and relaxed after resolving all of my recent computer woes. What better way to begin another week than with a few limericks from one of my favorite limerick writers, John Ciardi. He was renowned far and wide for his limerick wars with Isaac Azimov. Enjoy some of his work.
💥
There was a young lady who wouldn’t
Her mother had told her she shouldn’t.
When dear mama died
She felt free. So she tried,
But by then she was so old she couldn’t.
💥💥
Cleopatra, when sex was new to her,
Kept buying up young slaves to tutor her.
But the Pharoah (her dad),
For fear she’d go bad,
Kept rendering them neuterer neuterer.
💥💥💥
A fallen young lady of fashion
Gave vents to all sorts of base passion.
Was she scorned? She was not,
For her ways brought a lot
Of highly respectable cash in.
💥💥💥💥
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez.
He still tossed and turned
Half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
SPECIAL THANKS TO JOHN CIARDI
It’s almost too effing hot to do anything. I’m hiding in the man-cave with the fans roaring and it sounds more like an airport runway than a man-cave. It’s as good a day as any to post more of my favorite things: limericks. I normally post limericks by category but not today. Here are a few chosen totally at random from the archives.
💥(1941)
There was a young man from St. Kitt
Who was screwing a spinster, but quit.
Said she, “Don’t be scary,
Its only my cherry,”
But he said, “It feels more like a pit.”
💥💥(1928)
There was a young girl from Samoa
Who determined that no man should know her.
One fellow tried
But she wiggled aside,
And spilled all the spermatozoa.
💥💥💥(1927)
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he’d never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
💥💥💥💥(1941)
A certain young man of St.Paul
Consistently practiced withdrawal.
This quaint predilection
Created such friction,
He soon had no foreskin at all.
❤️❤️❤️
I HOPE THEY MADE YOU SMILE A LITTLE
I’ve just spent almost two solid days online listening to assorted visitors from Europe showing their appreciation of this country. I knew in my heart that the media in Europe was doing what the Media in America always does, attempting to direct how we should think and feel about damn near everything. I’m no soccer fan and probably never will be but any sport that has such a rabid fan base is a wonderful thing to witness. I feel even more patriotic than usual and that’s difficult to imagine. I’m also having much better thoughts about the European people themselves but not their governments. So today’s post is an limerick alert of a sort with the following collection of limericks that are sports related. Enjoy…
💥
When we’re covered in mud in the rain
Both our teams look exactly the same,
And that last mucky maul
Must have buried the ball-
Bugger it! Let’s get on with the game!
💥💥
When I was a fullback at Villa,
Our goalkeeper was a gorilla;
Athletic King Kong
Never put a foot wrong
In a seven-six, extra-time thriller!
💥💥💥
A goalkeeper christened “The Cat”
Has been transferred for peanuts (plus VAT);
He acquired his name
In a vital Cup game –
He curled up in his box for a nap!
💥💥💥💥
The diagnosis of our first team boss is:
The reason for our recent losses?
We’re all in a dream,
We don’t play like a team,
And our goalie is useless with crosses!
❤️❤️❤️❤️
A SALUTE TO RABID FANS EVERYWHERE
I recently began rereading Isaac Azimov’s “The Foundation Series“. I’ve read it at least four or five times over the years which probably makes me a crazy rabid Azimov fan. Since I’ve lately reintroduced him to my brain, todays post will include a few of his limericks. While he was a prolific writer of books, he was also a lover of all things limerick. In company with a friend and fellow writer, John Ciardi, they’ve written hundreds of limericks both funny and many times a little bawdy. Here are a few to make you smile.
💥
There was a young woman named Betty
Who thought waterbeds rather petty.
The results were less hasty,
She thought, and more tasty,
If one screwed on a plate of spaghetti.
💥💥
A young nun from Long Beach, California,
Said, “I think it’s important to warnia
That though seeming a saint
I’ve an awful complaint,
I am just getting steadily hornia.”
💥💥💥
A certain young man was so deft
That he left his poor girl quite bereft.
He put it in slickly
Then pulled it out quickly
And before she had felt it, he’d left.
💥💥💥💥
The excitement produced by Miss Whipple
Was very much more than a ripple.
She was covered with clothes
From her head to her toes
Save for delicate holes at each nipple.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
THANK YOU ISAAC!
I began my morning by reading a number of limericks. For me that’s the only proper way to start a day. I rooted through my book shelves and found what were the remains of a very small book of limericks published in 1980. It is a very small and was packed into the hardcovers with a rubber band. It fell to pieces as I began reading it. The book is titled Dirty Little Limericks and here is the first sentence in the forward which tells you all you need to know, “A good friend of mine – a practicing therapist – has advanced the thesis that the greatest contributions to human health and sanity in the last two hundred years is neither penicillin nor indoor plumbing, but rather the limerick.” I couldn’t agree more. Here are four for your enjoyment.
☘️
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, “You’re a tight one.”
She replied, “Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole;
There’s plenty of room in the right one.”
☘️☘️
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
At twenty to ten it was in her.
Skinner?
No, the dinner.
☘️☘️☘️
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
☘️☘️☘️☘️
There was a young lady named Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
She had many friends
Because of her ends,
Since it isn’t the middle you diddle.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
RATED PG – MIND THE KIDDIES!
I’m having a day of total confusion. The sun is shining brightly but the temperature remains in the forties. I desperately want to begin using the deck to relax and read a book but it’s hard when you’re wearing gloves and two layers of clothing. Now I’m back at the computer and deciding which limericks I’ll be using. There’s no theme to these limericks just five that tickled my fancy and I hope they do the same for you.
💥
There once was a son-of-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And screw to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-bitch.
💥💥
There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn,
Though he diddled his best,
And screwed her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
💥💥💥
There was a young man man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question’s not woody but could he?
❤️❤️❤️
And here’s a favorite for those avid readers out there.
📕📗📘📙
There’s a young lady in Tobruk
Who refers to her pussy as a nook.
It’s deep and it’s wide,
You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
HAPPY ALMOST SPRING
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
💥
1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
💥💥
1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
There was a young bounder named Link
Who possessed a very tart dink.
To sweeten it some
He steeped it in rum,
And now he’s driven the ladies to drink.
❤️❤️❤️
AAH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Now that my never-ending retro trivia posts have been completed, it’s time to return to my first love those funny and bawdy LIMERICKS. As I’ve always said, I love limericks and I also love history. I’ve decided today to combine the two with a few limericks made famous during the World War II era. I assume some of these may have been written by a few GI’s but I can’t be sure. I find it refreshing that even during the worst war we’ve ever experienced, a sense of humor was still maintained. Some of these might be considered a little much for younger children. Be warned!
💥
O Soldiers come back to us clean!
Wear rubbers – you know what I mean.
Thou I’d very much ruther
You’d bugger each other
Than any French whore that I’ve seen.
💥💥
A lady of doubtful nativity,
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity.
She could sit on the lap
Of a Nazi or Jap
And detect Fifth Column activity.
💥💥💥
A slant-eyed young girl from Peking
Said of the Rape of Nanking,
“Every Jap in North China
Has explored my vagina,
It’s so sore I can’t pee through the thing.”
💥💥💥💥
In the Army and Navy the toast is
To the talented USO hostess
Who was diddled and screwed
While she tried to conclude
Which service she really liked mostest.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
🪖WAR TIME SENSE OF HUMOR🪖
It’s been a long week of limericks and I’ve had my fill. I enjoyed the week immensely but it has had it’s drawbacks. I still find myself at odd hours of the night and early morning lying in bed thinking about how to rhyme words. Then I start mentally composing my own limericks and it’s driving me a little nuts. Todays post should help me to clear all of those limerick cobwebs from my brain. Her we go . . .
“To say of what is that it is not, or of what is not
that it is, is false, while to say of what is that it is,
and of what is not that it is not, is true.”
(Aristotle)
I feel better now that Aristotle has explained things for me.
- In the Jurassic Park movies. the fierce Velociraptors are about as tall as an adult human. In real life, however, they were only as tall as a turkey.
- Confucius has more than three million living descendants.
- Pablo Picasso, the influential Spanish cubist, wasn’t breathing when he was born in 1881. His face was so blue that the midwife left him for dead. One of his uncles revived him by blowing cigar smoke up his nose.
- From the 1300’s to the 1600’s, the heads of England’s slain enemies – including William Wallace and Thomas More – were displayed on London Bridge.
- The first recorded mastectomy was performed in A.D. 548 on Theodora, Empress of Byzantium.
- The word “hooch” comes from the Hoochinoo Indians of Alaska. They made a liquor so strong it could knock a person out.
- Spoons were such a rare novelty in Elizabethan England that wealthy aristocrats would bring their own folding spoons to fancy banquets.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
Here is a riddle found inscribed about 3500 years ago on a stone slab. It’s mainly for my better-half who should have no problem coming up with the correct answer.
In your mouth and your urine, constantly stared at you,
the measuring vessel of your lord.
What it it?
🍺🍺🍺
BEER, OF COURSE!
It’s time to end this series of posts about limericks. It’s been fun writing and researching all of these older limericks and I’ll continue to do so with periodic posts of this type. I became enamored with limericks as a ten year old boy listening at the door of a card game while my father and his friends were playing poker. One of them recited the following limerick and I’ve never forgotten it. It imbodies everything I like in poetry. It’s both a little funny and a little bawdy. Enjoy. . .
☘️
There was a man from Cass
Whose balls were made of brass.
During inclement weather he’d rub them together
And lightning would shoot out of his ass.
☘️☘️
If you aren’t smiling at that one then limericks aren’t for you. Over the years I’ve written many myself and upset both friends and family because I lean to the bawdy side of things. The following ditty was written by me just a few days ago and it reminded just how much fun it is to create one. Here it is . . .
There once was an old man from Maine.
Whose obsession with limericks became
an excuse for the use of words like f**k it,
And he never ever visited Nantucket.
❤️❤️❤️
I HOPE YOU’VE ENJOYED THE SERIES
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