Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category

01/22/2023 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅNurse Limerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

I dedicate these limericks to all of the nurses I’ve known in my life and there’ve been a few. If there was ever a group that enjoyed naughty and lewd limericks, it’s them. Enjoy, all of you so-called nurse lovers.

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†

An amorous writer of versus,

Was especially enamored of nurses.

But he found each advance.

In pursuit of romance

Met only with starchy reverses.

๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท

A rosy cheeked nurse, from Dunellen,

Whom the Hoboken sailors called Helen,

In her efforts to please

Has spread social disease,

From New York to the Straits of Magellan!

๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค•

There was a young nurse named Prentice,

Who had an affair with a dentist.

To make things easier,

He used anesthesia,

And diddled her, non-compos mentis.

๐Ÿš‘๐Ÿš‘๐Ÿš‘

An unfortunate nurse named Randall,

Hs the clap such as doctors can’t handle.

So, this forlorn young floozy

With her poor damaged coosie,

Must resume her delight with a candle.

๐Ÿฆฝ๐Ÿฆฝ๐Ÿฆฝ

A virginal nurse name of Lynne,

Shouted thus just before she gave in.

“It isn’t the deed,

Or the fear of the seed,

But that big worm that shedding its skin!”

โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ

WHO DOESN’T LIKE THE OCCASIONAL NURSE

LOL

01/17/2023 ๐Ÿ€Sports Limerick Alert๐Ÿˆ   Leave a comment

I’m getting a late start today due primarily to my better-half and her shopping safari. I also just have to mention that wicked and evil nurse who sucked six tubes of blood from me earlier. Truthfully having the blood drawn was way less painful than being the assistant to the shopping fanatic.

All I’ve been hearing for the last few days is football, football, and more football. While I am a fan, it’s becoming a bit much even for me. Today’s limericks are sports related but I’m an equal opportunity spreader of humor. I’ll try for a few that aren’t about football.

โšพโšพโšพ

BASEBALL

A batter named Fatty McPhatter,

Had the gift of the gab with his patter.

“Whichever pitch comes,

I hit only home runs –

So, the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter!”

โšพโšพโšพ

The slider just slid past the bag,

And the curveball? Too flat to get at.

The pitcher’s last ball

Was his fastest fastball.

So, I’m three-strikes-and-out. And that’s that.

โ›ณโ›ณโ›ณ

GOLF

Golf is a four-letter word.

For a game that is clearly absurd.

Unless what you like

Is a long boring hike,

Dressed up like a half-witted nerd.

โ›ณโ›ณโ›ณ

They say that ex-president Taft,

When hit by a golf ball, just laughed,

And said: “I’m not sore,

But although he called “Fore!”

The place where it struck him was aft!

HAPPY NO EFF’ING FOOTBALL TUESDAY

001/14/2023 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅMusic Limerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

I realize that many of you out there are avid music fans. I’m addicted to oldies from 1958 through 1974 and have thousands of songs from that era. I like a lot of the new stuff too but I’m able to pick and choose the ones that really get me going. While we are all music lovers, my second passion is limericks and interesting poetry. So, with that in mind I decided that today my limerick selections would be G rated and concern music and musicians. I hope you enjoy them as much as you enjoy your music.

๐ŸŽต๐ŸŽต๐ŸŽต

By Anonymous

There was a composer named Liszt

Who from writing could seldom desiszt.

He made Polonaise.

Quite worthy of praise,

And now that he’s gone, he is miszt.

๐ŸŽน๐ŸŽน๐ŸŽน

By Ogden Nash

A bugler named Dougal MacDougal

Found ingenious ways to be frugal.

He learned how to sneeze

In various keys,

Thus, saving the price of a bugle.

๐ŸŽธ๐ŸŽธ๐ŸŽธ

By Paul West

All of a sudden, the great prima-donna

Cried, “Heavens! My voice is a goner!”

But a cat in the wings

Cried, “I know how she sings,”

And finished the solo with honor.

๐ŸŽผ๐ŸŽผ๐ŸŽผ

By Anonymous

There was a composer named Bong

Who composed a new popular song.

It was simply the croon

Of a lovesick baboon,

With occasional thumps on the gong.

๐ŸŽท๐ŸŽท๐ŸŽท

YOUR TURN TO HUM A FEW BARS

01/02/2023 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ2023 Limerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   1 comment

I’ thought I’d start the new year with a small collection of limericks. This collection should be rated “PG”, so keep the youngsters away. Happy New Year to all of you limerick aficionados. Today’s collection concerns:

Sexual Misfortunes

Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham,

Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.

As they made their way back,

A crazed sex maniac

Leapt out of a bush and ignored ’em.

๐Ÿท๐Ÿท๐Ÿท

An unfortunate sailor name Bates,

Had performed the fandango on skates.

But a fall on his cutlass

Had rendered him nutless

And, well – virtually useless on dates!

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†

A nudist, named Roger McPeet,

Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet.

Till, one chilly December,

He froze his poor member,

And retired to a monkish retreat.

๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿฉ

Ancient octogenarian, Hugh,

To his wife remained steadfastly true.

This was not from compunction,

But more the dysfunction

Of his spermatic glands – nuts to you.

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ†

What better way to kick off a new year. Here’s one final limerick with a religious bent for an oh-so inclined friend.

โค๏ธ

When Lazarus came back from the dead,

He still couldn’t function in bed.

“What good’s Resurrection

Without an erection?”

Old Lazarus testily said.

AMEN TO THAT

12/23/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

See the source image

I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!

๐Ÿท๐Ÿท๐Ÿท

A cheese that was aged and gray

Was walking and talking one day.

Said the cheese, “Kindly note

My mama was a goat

And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”

๐Ÿ—๐Ÿ—๐Ÿ—

There was an old lady of Rye,

Who was baked by mistake in a pie.

To the household’s disgust

She emerged through the crust,

And exclaimed, with a yawn, “Where am I?”

๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ๐Ÿœ

There was an old man from the Rhine

Who was asked at what hour he’d dine.

He replied, “At eleven,

At three, six, and seven,

At eight and a quarter to nine.”

๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ๐Ÿฆ

There was a young man of Calcutta

Who spoke with a terrible stutta.

At breakfast he said,

“Give me some b-b-b-bread

And a pat of b-b-b-b-butta.”

2 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

12/12/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   1 comment

With the holidays underway I looked far and wide for some holiday related limericks. I found a few but they were absolutely horrible. So, I decided that since every holiday has a feast of one kind or another, today’s collection of limericks will be about food and eating. They are also rated G so the younger readers can enjoy them as well. The juicier limericks will continue after the holidays for all of you poetry connoisseurs. These are circa 1952.

๐Ÿคถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿคถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿคถ๐Ÿป

A diner while dining at Crewe,

Found quite a large mouse in his stew.

Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,

And wave it about,

Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”

๐ŸŒฒ๐ŸŒฒ๐ŸŒฒ

There once was a pious young priest

Who lived almost wholly on yeast.

“For.” he said “it is plain

We must all rise again,

And I want to get started, at least.

โ˜ƒ๏ธโ˜ƒ๏ธโ˜ƒ๏ธ

There was an old person of Dean,

Who dined on one pea and one bean.

For he said, “More than that

Would make me too fat,”

That cautious old person of Dean.

๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„

There was an old lady of Brooking,

Who had a great genius for cooking.

She could bake sixty pies

All quite the same size,

And could tell which was which without looking.

๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽ

12 MORE SHOPPING DAYS

12/04/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅChristmas Limericks๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

Continuing the Christmas theme for this week, here are a group of Christmas limericks collected from far and wide places. I hope they put a holiday grin on your face.

Santa came home with a reindeer

And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer

โ€˜Did you have to bring

That horny old thing?โ€™

Rudolph said, โ€˜Madam, he lives here.โ€™

๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„

An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,

We’ve not enough presents this year”

That made St. Nick think:

Now he’d given up drink

He could give all the children some beer!

๐Ÿคถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿคถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿคถ๐Ÿป

I saw mom and Santa having a chat

She told him he was much too fat

She then grabbed his behind

With eyes closed kissed him blind

Then they both fell down on the mat.

๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŽ„

Old Santa got drunk on warm ale

“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail

“But what of the toys

For the good girls and boys?”

“I’ll send all the presents by mail!”

๐Ÿง‘๐Ÿปโ€๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿง‘๐Ÿปโ€๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿง‘๐Ÿปโ€๐ŸŽ„

20 SHOPPING DAYS TO GO

11/28/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ”Virginity Limerick Alert”๐Ÿ’ฅ   2 comments

I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said “If you must know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.

๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค

A religious young lassie named Claire

Was having her first love affair.

As she climbed into bed

She reverently said,

“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone pike,

But it really was broken from pokin’.

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ†

NUFF SAID

11/21/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimericks for Kids๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.

A little boy down in Natchez

Sat upon powder and matchez.

For the seat of war

He hankers no more,

Though re-enforced well with patchez.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

By Hugh Lofting

Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket

Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.

He has more understanding

Since reaching the landing,

Just look at the hole where he struck it.

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

By Oliver Hereford

A puppy whose hair was so flowing

There really was no means of knowing

Which end was his head,

Once stopped me and said,

“Please, sir, am I coming or going.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

A certain young fellow named Beebee

Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.

“But,” said he, “I must see

What the clerical fee

Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”

๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

HAPPY MONDAY

14/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   2 comments

I haven’t posted too many limericks of late and I’m going to correct that immediately. After having two young grandsons visiting, I was once again made aware just how funny fart humor is. I’m not sure why but the young lads love talking about farts and farting. It started when they were around two years old, and it continues apace. With that in mind here are a few fart related limericks to make us all smile a little.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

There was an amazing old wizard

Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard.

So, he drank wind and snow

At some fifty-below,

And farted a forty-day blizzard.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

Said a printer, pretending to wit:

“There are certain rude words we omit.

It would sully our art

To include the word fart,

And we seldom, if ever say shit.”

๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†

There was a young man named McBride,

Who could fart any time that he tried.

In a contest he blew

Seven thousand and two,

But then shit and was disqualified.

๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ฃ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

There was a young woman of Dexter,

Whose husband invariably vexed her,

For, whenever they’d start,

He’d persistently fart

With a blast that damn nearly de-sexed her!

A PERFECTLY SMELLY START TO YOUR WEEK

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