Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category

04-18-2016 Journal–Garden Fence & Humor!   Leave a comment

More aches and pains as the garden begins to take shape.  I’m trying to do as much work on it as I possibly can as early as I can. Last years efforts were almost ruined because I waited until the last minute to do much of the small things that are necessary.  Learning from my mistakes is absolutely essential if I’m to have the garden I want.

Yesterday was another chilly morning but I was up and at it earlier than usual. I picked up my supplies the day before from Home Depot, the only store in the area that carried the type of fencing I needed.  Here is the before photo on the newly completed frame without the fencing.

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The fencing is made for controlling small animals such as rabbits and skunks which are my main problem. We have larger game in the area but they’ve never ben a problem for me. Fortunately I have a nearby neighbor with fruit trees and the deer love their fruit.  The insist on visiting him on a regular basis and leaving me alone.

After an hour or so of cursing and swearing my job was completed.  That should keep the little buggers out of the garden this year. I really dislike killing any animals so the cost of the fence is worth it to keep me guilt free.  Here’s the photo of the completed fence.

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If the weather warms up a little in the coming days I can drag out my rototiller to loosen up the soil. Then I can lay down the fabric into the frames which eliminates weeding completely because I hate weeding.

How about a little garden humor to start your day . . .

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen.  There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it.  So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”  Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off.  Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”  Well, what the heck?   She does it.  The next day her neighbor asks how it worked.  "So-so,” she answers,  "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”

Here’s a salute to everyone’s favorite redneck gardener, Jeff Foxworthy . . .

You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:

 
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve even cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup. 
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower. 
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.

And finally here is a cute limerick which any Maine gardener will appreciate . . .

I ordered some new bulbs by mail

and tried to grow orchids large scale

exotics won’t grow

under three feet of snow

or battered with blizzards and hail!

C’MON WARM WEATHER

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04-06-2016 Journal – Cemetery Humor & Limericks!   Leave a comment

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I thought that since today is once again cold and sunny I should dig into my trivia library for some interesting facts  rather than going out to brave the weather. I might even find a few that aren’t so interesting but as always you can be the judge of that. These are items primarily related to cemeteries and funerals. I may be forced to throw in a few off-color limericks as well.  Let’s get started.

Here’s an entry I’m adding just for my beer drinking better-half.

  • A headstone in a cemetery at Saint Kilda, Victoria, Australia, depicts a hand holding a jug of beer. The headstone was the result of a threat often made by the widow to her thirsty husband.

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This item amazes me.  I can’t begin to understand the level of dedication this involves.

  • In Nara, Japan, a lantern in the tomb of a Buddhist priest, Kyobo Daishi, in the monastery of Koya San has been burning continuously for 1126 years.

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This one I can appreciate somewhat. The woman was truly dedicated to her profession, regardless of the consequences.

  • The epitaph of the late Shirley Pitts of London, England, dubbed the “Queen of Shoplifters” reads, “Gone Shopping”.

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Everyone loves a good “Love” story and here’s a beauty.

  • “Husband: I anxiously awaiting you, 1827.” “Wife: Here I am, 1867 – Gravestones in a Paris, France cemetery.

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Here are two entries concerning two stubborn fools.

  • “Here stands old Britt Bailey” – Epitaph to James Britton Bailey, who was buried standing up because he refused to look up to any man.
  • A tombstone in Weather Hill, New England, reads: “Here lies the body of Samuel Proctor, who lived and died without a doctor.”

Here are a few rather interesting approaches.

  • A tombstone in a cemetery in Medway, Massachusetts, reads, “Beneath this stone, this lump of clay, lies Uncle Peter Daniels, who too early in the month of May, took off his winter flannels.”
  • “Here lies the father of twenty-nine, He would have had more but he didn’t have time.” – Gravestone in Moultrie, Georgia.
  • A gravestone near Uniontown, Pennsylvania: “Her lies the body of Jonathon Blake, stepped on the gas instead of the brake.”
  • “Owen Moore Is gone away, Owen’ more than he could pay.” – Epitaph in Surrey, England.

And finally a proper send off for an attorney.

  • The tombstone of an attorney in Willwood cemetery, Rockford, Illinois: “Goembel, John E. 1867-1946: The defense rests.”

Now for a couple of art related limericks.

For a sculpture that’s really first class,

You need form, composition, and mass;

To do a good Venus,

Just leave off the penis,

And concentrate more on the ass!

 

A lascivious lecher, called Fletcher,

Was also a talented sketcher.

Of ladies (quite nude)

He invariably screwed,

But did they enjoy it? You betcha!

I think that’s enough silliness for today.  Look for more limericks in the future because I recently stumbled upon quite the collection, most from the British Isles. They have an excellent approach to raunchiness that I really admire.

10-18-2014 Journal Entry-Some Peace, No Quiet!   Leave a comment

One of the reason I love living in southern Maine is the peace and quiet. There are days when the quiet is absolute except for a few cars occasionally whizzing by. This road we live on has been a nightmare for years and in the winter accidents occur in and around our home quite often. It has quite the collection of potholes of every size and shape along with frost heaves  to make things really interesting. For those of you that don’t know, a frost heave is a large mound that erupts beneath the road when the ground begins to freeze in the Fall.   Our normal flat potholed road turns into a an amusement park ride. Living here requires that we develop and maintain a good relationship with a  competent mechanic. I average a front-end wheel alignment every two years and that doesn’t include the costs for damage to wheel rims and tires. Once Spring arrives the road immediately returns to normal.

I was awakened this morning when my bed and house began vibrating and shaking. At first I thought we were having one of our occasional earthquakes but a glance out the front window explained everything. There was a gigantic machine rolling down the road, spitting smoke in every direction, chewing up asphalt and spitting out a fine black powder.

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Apparently the town fathers finally decided to pave our  road and of course never notified anyone who lives here.  Just one big noisy machine after another beginning a 7 am and lasting  the entire day. For most of the day I was forced to stay at home because my driveway was blocked at first by a dump truck and then later by a huge ten ton roller. I was thrilled to see my tax dollars working for me for the first time in a long while. Since Maine is known for it’s over the top approach to spending taxes on welfare for illegals, I never thought it would ever happen so I was stunned. I had finally won the tax lottery.

Here are a series of photos of the big project  from start to finish.

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Here’s my reward for you for being made to look at my boring pictures.  It’s a limerick I wrote with all of the liberals politicians in mind who are determined to oust Republican governor LePage.   It would be oh so sweet if LePage was reelected. It would make them crazy and hopefully send them right over the edge once again.

There once were politicians from Maine

Who in truth were a liberal pain.

They smile and they lie

But  as hard as they try,

They’re too  dumb to get out of the rain.

10-07-2014 More Useless Boring Things!   Leave a comment

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It’s raining, it cloudy, it’s gray, and I’m suffering from a total lack of interest in just about everything.  This change of seasons gets me down every year and has done so for as long as I can remember.  It’s sort of become a really annoying tradition for me.  I’ve always been told by others that traditions are the backbone of everything and with that in mind I guess I’ll celebrate that tradition with this new tradition.

You know what that means . . . .  more totally useless information.  There’s really no way to categorize this kind of stuff and I won’t even try. I’ll just put it out there for your enjoyment and you can decide if it’s worth your time or not.  So, there will be no photographs today because I’m too preoccupied with being bored to be taking pictures.  Let’s get started.

  • 28% of Africa is wilderness while 38% of North America is wilderness.
  • On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
  • Heavyweight boxing champion, Ken Norton, was rejected for the role of Apollo Creed in the 1976 film Rocky because he made the star Sylvester Stallone look too small.
  • The largest fruit crop on earth is grapes – followed by bananas.
  • No one knows exactly why a duck’s quack doesn’t echo.

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I’m on my third cup of coffee, still in bed, and munching on a miniature lemon/poppy seed muffin.  I just don’t get these small versions of normal muffins.  People are only kidding themselves if they think it’s healthier to only eat these tiny little useless muffins instead of the real thing.  Give me a big full sized, fat, sugary, crunchy muffin with two inches of frosting on it any day of the week.  If you’re going to eat something sinful don’t mess around, go for it. Revel in the wickedness of your evil deeds.  Forgive me but I seem to have wandered off the reservation a little due to the influences of this destructive and dangerous sugar I just ingested.  Back to the point of this posting which as you should know is "there is no point".

  • Actress Farrah Fawcett had a tap named after her – the gold plated Farrah Fawcet.
  • The snow scenes in the film It’s a Wonderful Life were shot during a record heat wave in southern California.
  • As of 2002, rats in New York outnumbered humans by twelve to one.
  • A pigs orgasm lasts for thirty minutes.
  • When press tycoon William Randolph Hearst sent a telegram to a leading astronomer asking if there was life on Mars and to please cable a thousand words on the subject, he received the reply, “Nobody knows,” repeated five hundred times.

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It’s only proper when posting some useless information to end that posting with a big bang or three.  There’s nothing better than a few really raunchy and bawdy limericks to kick start your day. Enjoy.

The derriere Doris displays

In the park never fails to amaze;

She flounces and bounces

Those wonderful ounces,

And old men are ecstatic for days.

* * *

There was a young virgin named Jeanie

Whose dad was an absolute meanie;

When he’d fashioned a hatch,

With a latch, for her snatch –

She could only be had by Houdini!

* * *

I’d rather have fingers than toes.

I’d rather have ears than a nose.

And, a happy erection

Brought just to perfection

Makes me terribly sad when it goes.

HAVE A GREAT DAY