I’ve just spent almost two solid days online listening to assorted visitors from Europe showing their appreciation of this country. I knew in my heart that the media in Europe was doing what the Media in America always does, attempting to direct how we should think and feel about damn near everything. I’m no soccer fan and probably never will be but any sport that has such a rabid fan base is a wonderful thing to witness. I feel even more patriotic than usual and that’s difficult to imagine. I’m also having much better thoughts about the European people themselves but not their governments. So today’s post is an limerick alert of a sort with the following collection of limericks that are sports related. Enjoy…
I recently began rereading Isaac Azimov’s “The Foundation Series“. I’ve read it at least four or five times over the years which probably makes me a crazy rabid Azimov fan. Since I’ve lately reintroduced him to my brain, todays post will include a few of his limericks. While he was a prolific writer of books, he was also a lover of all things limerick. In company with a friend and fellow writer, John Ciardi, they’ve written hundreds of limericks both funny and many times a little bawdy. Here are a few to make you smile.
I began my morning by reading a number of limericks. For me that’s the only proper way to start a day. I rooted through my book shelves and found what were the remains of a very small book of limericks published in 1980. It is a very small and was packed into the hardcovers with a rubber band. It fell to pieces as I began reading it. The book is titled Dirty Little Limericks and here is the first sentence in the forward which tells you all you need to know, “A good friend of mine – a practicing therapist – has advanced the thesis that the greatest contributions to human health and sanity in the last two hundred years is neither penicillin nor indoor plumbing, but rather the limerick.” I couldn’t agree more. Here are four for your enjoyment.
I’m having a day of total confusion. The sun is shining brightly but the temperature remains in the forties. I desperately want to begin using the deck to relax and read a book but it’s hard when you’re wearing gloves and two layers of clothing. Now I’m back at the computer and deciding which limericks I’ll be using. There’s no theme to these limericks just five that tickled my fancy and I hope they do the same for you.
💥
There once was a son-of-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And screw to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-bitch.
💥💥
There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn,
Though he diddled his best,
And screwed her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
💥💥💥
There was a young man man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question’s not woody but could he?
❤️❤️❤️
And here’s a favorite for those avid readers out there.
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
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1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
💥💥
1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
Now that my never-ending retro trivia posts have been completed, it’s time to return to my first love those funny and bawdy LIMERICKS. As I’ve always said, I love limericks and I also love history. I’ve decided today to combine the two with a few limericks made famous during the World War II era. I assume some of these may have been written by a few GI’s but I can’t be sure. I find it refreshing that even during the worst war we’ve ever experienced, a sense of humor was still maintained. Some of these might be considered a little much for younger children. Be warned!
It’s been a long week of limericks and I’ve had my fill. I enjoyed the week immensely but it has had it’s drawbacks. I still find myself at odd hours of the night and early morning lying in bed thinking about how to rhyme words. Then I start mentally composing my own limericks and it’s driving me a little nuts. Todays post should help me to clear all of those limerick cobwebs from my brain. Her we go . . .
“To say of what is that it is not, or of what is not
that it is, is false, while to say of what is that it is,
and of what is not that it is not, is true.”
(Aristotle)
I feel better now that Aristotle has explained things for me.
In the Jurassic Park movies. the fierce Velociraptors are about as tall as an adult human. In real life, however, they were only as tall as a turkey.
Confucius has more than three million living descendants.
Pablo Picasso, the influential Spanish cubist, wasn’t breathing when he was born in 1881. His face was so blue that the midwife left him for dead. One of his uncles revived him by blowing cigar smoke up his nose.
From the 1300’s to the 1600’s, the heads of England’s slain enemies – including William Wallace and Thomas More – were displayed on London Bridge.
The first recorded mastectomy was performed in A.D. 548 on Theodora, Empress of Byzantium.
The word “hooch” comes from the Hoochinoo Indians of Alaska. They made a liquor so strong it could knock a person out.
Spoons were such a rare novelty in Elizabethan England that wealthy aristocrats would bring their own folding spoons to fancy banquets.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
Here is a riddle found inscribed about 3500 years ago on a stone slab. It’s mainly for my better-half who should have no problem coming up with the correct answer.
In your mouth and your urine, constantly stared at you,
It’s time to end this series of posts about limericks. It’s been fun writing and researching all of these older limericks and I’ll continue to do so with periodic posts of this type. I became enamored with limericks as a ten year old boy listening at the door of a card game while my father and his friends were playing poker. One of them recited the following limerick and I’ve never forgotten it. It imbodies everything I like in poetry. It’s both a little funny and a little bawdy. Enjoy. . .
☘️
There was a man from Cass
Whose balls were made of brass.
During inclement weather he’d rub them together
And lightning would shoot out of his ass.
☘️☘️
If you aren’t smiling at that one then limericks aren’t for you. Over the years I’ve written many myself and upset both friends and family because I lean to the bawdy side of things. The following ditty was written by me just a few days ago and it reminded just how much fun it is to create one. Here it is . . .
I’ve always been a huge fan of Asimov even before I learned he was a proficient writer of limericks. I’ve been reading his novels for many years and have always considered him to be fellow lover of science fiction. After reading some of his limericks I discovered his relationship with John Ciardi and their famous limerick wars. For those of you not familiar with Azimov and his works I’d recommend you read his greatest work, The Foundation Series. I love reading long and involved stories and I’d put Asimov right up there with J.R.R Tolkien and J. K Rowling. Here’s a few samples of his well constructed limericks.
While primarily known as a poet and translator of Dante’s Divine Comedy, he also wrote several volumes of children’s poetry and contributed to the Saturday Review as a columnist and long-time poetry editor. I could continue with all of his accomplishments but they are endless. In 1981 he co-authored a book, LIMERICKS, with his friend Isaac Asimov. It was called a “War of Words (limericks)” and makes for a great read. Two utterly famous men who absolutely loved writing limericks just for fun.
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