Author Archive

10/21/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

A diminutive maiden name Hilda,

Had a date with a top body-builder;

He said that he should,

That he could and he would,

And he did – and it damn near killed her!

10/21/2021 50 Things I Love   Leave a comment

A few weeks ago I supplied you with a list of fifty things that annoyed me. That was a modified list of The 100 Things I Hate from eleven years ago. Now I’m going to do the same thing to The list of 100 Things I Love. After closely reviewing my old list I was able to eliminate half of the items. It wasn’t an easy job and I have a feeling I’ll be taken to task for some of things I eliminated by friends and family alike. So be it. Here’s my revised list of the Fifty Things I Love, but be warned all of you nitpicker’s out there. This new list can be updated without notice and you might just be eliminated the next time around. Here they are . . .

licking the hairs at the base of a woman’s spine, kids laughing, people watching, sex in the morning, small breasts, reading anything, being naked in the morning, real coffee, lucy my cat, the ocean, getting oil massages, watching your lips on me, honesty, medium-sized breasts, skinny-dipping, truth, large breasts, girl watching, pretty feet, computer games, my better half, , orgasms anytime, huge breasts, BJ’s at night, masturbation-alone or with a friend, being naked in the afternoon, old friends, making out in the back seat of a car, all animals, sloppy tongue-sucking kisses, snow, BJ’s in the morning, movies that make you cry, making you laugh, juicy fantasies, growing herbs, mom and dad, sculpting, painting, history, reading your tarot cards, creating anything, jacuzzies, deck time, blogging, writing, winemaking, grandchildren.

As a courtesy I’ll add this formal apology to all those people who were removed from the list as well as a number of things that were originally listed that I can no longer perform. No wise cracks please. You know who you are and so do I.

WHO LOVES YOU BABY?

10/20/2021 “1958 vs. 2021”   Leave a comment

I really don’t think another of my rants about political correctness is necessary today. These scenarios speak for themselves, in volumes.

Scenario 1:

1958 – Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack. The Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun out to show Jack.

2021 – School goes into an immediate lock-down and classes are suspended. FBI and local police are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and his gun confiscated. His truck is towed away and impounded. Counselors are called in to aid any traumatized students and teachers. The Vice Principle was later terminated and cited for not wearing his mask.

Scenario 2:

1958 – Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. A crowd gathers. Mark wins the fight. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2021 – Police are called and SWAT team arrives — both Johnny and Mark are arrested. They are charged with assault and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Both are also cited for failure to maintain safe distance requirements because of the pandemic. Johnny was also found unmasked. Juvenile hearings are scheduled and Anger Management therapy mandated. Teachers are required to attend a training seminar on How to Handle Out of Control Students and a review session on Covid-19 rules and requirements is scheduled..

Scenario 3:

1958 – Jeffrey will not be still in class and he disrupts other students. Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and doesn’t disrupt the class again.

2021 – Jeffrey is isolated from other students. His parents are called and he’s transported to his doctor’s office. A recommended dose of Ritalin is prescribed by his physician. He then becomes a zombie. Next he’s then tested for ADD allowing the family to collect extra money (SSI) from the government because of his disability. Family counseling is ordered by the authorities.

Scenario 4:

1958 – Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2021 – Billy’s dad is immediately arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to a foster care home until the father has completed his Anger Management classes. Billy then joins a local gang and is later arrested for a host of crimes. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she vaguely remembers being abused herself as a child and their dad ends up in prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist and Billy steals a car and runs away.

Scenario 5:

1958 – Mark gets a headache and brings some aspirin to school. Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal outside at the smoking dock.

2021 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. His parents are detained and their house searched for any illicit drugs or paraphernalia. The Principal is suspended pending an investigation of his receiving drugs from a suspect student and supplying that student with cigarettes.

Scenario 6:

1958 – Pedro fails high school English. He then goes to summer school, passes English and goes on to college.

2021 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by the state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the core curriculum and Pedro is given his diploma anyway. He ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.

Scenario 7:

1958 – Johnny takes apart some leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July. He puts them into a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an ant hill. Ants die.

2021- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism and possessing unauthorized explosives. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home. All computers are also confiscated. Johnny’s father and mother are placed on a terror watch list and are never permitted to fly again. The family is sued by a neighbor when a drug sniffing dog bites his son.

Scenario 8:

1958 – Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary is seen hugging him to comfort him. In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2021 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job after another teacher saw her hugging Johnny. She faces 3 years in State Prison for child molestation. Johnny undergoes 5 years of intense therapy, becomes sexually confused after hypnosis therapy revealed alleged repressed memories of abuse. He now identifies himself as a transgendered named Janine.

AHHHHH!!! THE GOOD OLD DAYS

10/19/2021 Limerick   Leave a comment

A bit of a nuisance named Liam,

Said: ” The best bits are tits, when you see’em.

But they’re usually trapped,

Cupped, wired and strapped.

So I make it my mission to free’em.

10/19/2021 Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Remembered   Leave a comment

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle died on July 7, 1940 in Sussex, England of a heart attack. Six years and one month later I was born. Approximately twelve years after my birth I read my first Sherlock Holmes story and later saw my first Hollywood movie version starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce. I’ve been hooked ever since.

Through the years I was able to find and read the occasional Holmes story but it wasn’t until I was stationed in Korea in the 1960’s that I happened upon a complete volume of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries. It was left at the hooch of a Korean business girl by an American G.I. who had since returned to the states. She couldn’t read a word of English and gladly gave me the book. In the intervening years I’ve read the entire Holmes collections many times. That book I found in Korea actually piqued my interest in crime and criminal investigations.

After leaving Korea I joined the Pennsylvania State police and began a thirty year career first as a police officer, then a private investigator, and lastly as a corporate investigator. I’m not saying that Sherlock Holmes was the inspiration for my career but I can’t tell you how many times when I first initiated a case I thought to myself, “Watson, the game is afoot.” Rest in peace Sir Arthur, your legacy lives on.

THANK GOD FOR MY KINDLE, HOLMES IS WITH ME EVERYWHERE

10/18/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

An engaging young filly named Sally,

Who enjoys the occasional dally,

Will sit on the lap

Of a well-endowed chap,

And declare: “Ooh, you’re right up my alley!”

10/18/2021 If You Live in Maine   Leave a comment

I know that I’ve mentioned the state of Maine many times in this blog but it’s time to tell you a little more about it. I moved here in 1999 from the not-so-great state of Massachusetts. I’ve traveled a lot during my life and lived in a number of states but I have to say out of all them Maine is the best. It’s called America’s “Vacation Land” because it seems like everyone wants to come here in the warm months and enjoy the beaches, the wilderness, the lighthouses, the lobsters and the simpler way of living. With that in mind I thought I’d share with you the following list. As you read each of these entries add these words to the end of each sentence, “You must live in Maine.”

  • If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May . . .
  • If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t even work there . . .
  • If you had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number . . .
  • If you measure distance in hours . . .
  • If you know several people who’ve hit a deer or moose more than once . . .
  • If you switched from heat to AC in the same day and then back again . . .
  • If you can drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard for beer without flinching . . .
  • If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked . . .
  • If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife actually knows how to use them . . .
  • If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit . . .
  • If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow . . .
  • If you know all four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction . . .
  • If you have more miles on your snowblower than your car . . .
  • If you find 10° just a little chilly . . .

Well there you have it. Everything you ever want to know about Maine but were afraid to ask. We’re already preparing for winter and since we had such a mild one last year we’re expecting the worst. If you like snow shoveling, ice fishing, skiing, snowmobiling, cross-country skiing, and falling on your ass on a daily basis . . . come spend your winter in Maine.

THE WAY LIFE OUGHT TO BE

Posted October 18, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Just Saying Again

10/17/2021 Why Does Everyone Hate America?   Leave a comment

I thought the title of this post would get your attention because we as Americans aren’t all that surprised when we hear how much most of the world seems to hate us. People hate us, countries hate us, individuals hate us, and yet millions of them put their lives at risk to escape their own countries to come here. I find that to be a conundrum and it needs to be examined and we’re going to do it right now.

I consider myself to be a proud and patriotic American. That being said I feel that most people on this planet have little or no respect for our country, our people, our culture (if we have one), and our politicians. When Donald Trump was president everybody on the planet including the people in this country had nothing good to say about the man. I’m finding now that Biden has been elected, other countries are already taking potshots at him as are many of our own citizens. He’s too old, he’s crotchety, he can’t remember anything. What the hell are we doing? We hate to be hated but insist on hating others including ourselves. Many of those comments I mentioned were obtained from British television and those folks don’t hold much back when criticizing.

I would gladly tell most of them if asked how little I care about their opinions on America. It’s like when you were in high school and somebody picked on your sister. It’s okay if you do it but no one else better try. I fully understand why the rest of the world shows us such little respect. We are as always our own worst enemy. I won’t even begin to discuss reality programming which makes the entire planet think we’re a bunch of mouth-breathing, arrogant morons. It’s hard to argue that fact when so many millions of Americans are so addicted to watching these staged soap operas that permit idiots to exploit their 15 minutes of fame at our expense. Fake drama, fake plot lines, and generally just a lot of BS.

There is so much weirdness in America these days it boggles the mind. I know by now to expect the absolute worst and when it doesn’t happen, I celebrate. I’d like to send a big shout out to the Media and Hollywood, for producing such crap and broadcasting it worldwide. Without fuel a fire will go out, so people, please stop fueling the damn fire.

I was thinking last night while surfing around the TV network sites, how would a reasonably religious and intelligent person living anywhere on the planet feel about America after watching an hour of TMZ or the host of reality shows clogging the airways.

I know that America and its Americans will continue moving down this road regardless of the consequences. That’s our right as free citizens to be as stupid and unmindful about others as we seem to be. However, we should really stop whining about everyone on the planet hating us. We have to get over that crybaby BS and take the heat for all the stupid crap we continue to do and then transmit it to the rest of the world.

Every time we have one of our wacko celebrities out of the country on tour, they’re seen as representing all of us. That’s about as scary as it gets for me. How about you?

GOD BLESS AMERICA – LOL

10/16/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,

When his prick would not rise for a lay:

“You must seize it, and squeeze it,

And tease it, and please it.”

Adding: ” Rome wasn’t built in a day!”

10/16/2021 Day Five – Lavatory Trivia   Leave a comment

INTERESTING TOILET FACTS

  • The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
  • The first toilet air freshener was a pomegranate stuffed with cloves.
  • Psycho was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing – thereby generating many complaints.
  • The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention; Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.
  • The town Council of Cheltenham Spa once voted to replace the words Men and Women on their public toilets with Ladies and Gentlemen in order to” attract a better class of person.”
  • Before the invention of toilet paper, people use shells or stones, bunches of herbs or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.
  • Hermann Goring refused to use regulation toilet paper and used to bulk-buy soft white handkerchiefs instead.
  • In 1986, Nathan Hicks of St. Louis, Missouri, shot his brother Herbert dead because he used six toilet rolls in two days.
  • The world’s oldest piece of toilet paper – thought to be 1200 years old – was found buried under an Israeli garage.
  • And last but not least, Elvis Presley, Judy Garland, and Lenny Bruce all died on the toilet.

TOILET QUOTE

“You know that it is by the state of the lavatory that a family is judged.” (Pope John XXIII)

This completes my first Trivia Week. I hope everyone enjoyed this bizarre collection of facts as much as I did collecting them. I may have to do this again in the future because I have many more of these tidbits to share.

TRIVIA RULES

Posted October 16, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Just Saying Again

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