Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category

05/17/2022 🩸”Jig Saw”🩸   Leave a comment

It’s Tuesday morning and I just finished my first cup of coffee which by the way didn’t help one bit. I’m still tired because I haven’t been sleeping well for about a week. My latest addiction is haunting me through the nighttime hours and happily it’s over today. I wish I could explain how weird my dreams have become for the last week. Fortunately for me I can’t remember every graphic detail because they are so freaky. They have the ability to stay alive in my head long after I’ve gone to sleep, and it makes for one God awful night.

Enough with this cryptic nonsense, for the last week I’ve been watching all seven movies of the SAW series. For seven nights the last thing I see before going to bed has been one solid hour of extremely detailed and graphic violence. What’s a little mayhem, bloodletting, and chopped off limbs among friends? On top of all of that my fear of clowns has been reinvigorated.

It’s even having an effect on my recreational abilities. I’ve been working on an exceptionally difficult jigsaw puzzle and just sitting in a dark and quiet house focusing totally on that puzzle has me looking over my shoulder and jumping at every sound the house continues to make. Up until a week ago I had only seen the first movie of the series. I thought it was gory, scary, and all of those things you expect in a horror movie. I certainly don’t recommend binge watching seven hours of what the SAW series brings to the screen. It is nice to know that a lot of Hollywood’s actors and actresses were probably lining up around the block so they can be butchered and killed in a SAW movie.

THANK GOD IT’S OVER (LOL)

05/16/2022 “Pessimism”   Leave a comment

I’ve been described by some as being cynical. Name calling aside, I feel I’m more of a pragmatist than a cynic. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and free to voice it on this blog. But be aware that a response from me is almost always immediately forthcoming. I only ask for accuracy. It’s easy to throw words around but make sure you know what the hell you’re talking about. As you’ve probably guessed I’m responding to a rather pompous ass of a reader who I can only assume doesn’t understand the English language. I could be as profane as he was, but profanity isn’t always the way to go. I’ll give him credit where credit is due, he knows a lot of profanity but not how to use it effectively. He criticized almost everything I’ve had to say about anything. He’s down on government but primarily against those people who dare to speak the truth about the government and its political leanings. Everything is a “vast right-wing conspiracy” or so says his favorite genius, Hilary.

It’s time for my first English class to begin and the secret word for today is “Pessimism”. For my profane reader this basically describes you. You hate everything and nothing is the way it ought to be. Read on my moronic friend and maybe you’ll learn something. I did say MAYBE!

  • “If it weren’t for the optimist, the pessimist wouldn’t know how happy he isn’t.”
  • “How happy are the pessimists! What joy is theirs when they have proved there is no joy.”
  • “A pessimist is one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.”
  • “A pessimist is one who suspects the sincerity of other pessimists.”
  • “A pessimist is a man with a difficulty for every solution.”
  • “A true pessimist feels bad when he feels good for fear, he’ll feel worse when he feels better.”

MY FINAL WORDS – BITE ME!

05/12/2022 Just the Facts . . . Jack!   Leave a comment

Just sitting here this morning with three layers of clothes on and my feet still feel like blocks of ice. We decided to turn off the heat two weeks ago to save a few bucks when we thought “Spring had Sprung”, but we should’ve known better. Wrong again. Never let it be said that Maine doesn’t fail to deliver on crappy weather. So here I sit at my computer with my little space heater preparing to supply you with some straight facts you didn’t know you needed to know. Here they are . . .

  • The world’s oldest surviving recipe is a formula for making beer. It was discovered outside Baghdad in 1850 on a 3800-year-old Sumerian clay tablet.
  • A fetus acquires fingerprints by the end of the first trimester.
  • In 2003, the personal fortune of JK Rowling, best-selling British author of the widely popular Harry Potter books, surpassed that of the Queen of England.
  • Voltaire, the French philosopher, novelist, and ardent atheist, once held up the Bible and proclaimed, “In 100 years this book will be forgotten, eliminated.” Less than 50 years after his death, the Geneva Bible Society bought his house in order to produce and distribute Bibles.
  • You can in fact get cooties. Cooties are lice.
  • George Clooney once vowed never to remarry or have children, but Michelle Pfeiffer and Nicole Kidman each bet $10,000 that he’d be a father by age 40. On Clooney’s 40th birthday (May 6, 2001), the actresses conceded defeat and sent their checks. Clooney returned their money, betting double or nothing that he wouldn’t have any kids before turning 50.
  • Cigars are called “stogies” because pioneer drivers of Conestoga covered wagons made in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, preferred the long, cheap cigars available in that region. Over time, “Conestoga” was shortened to “stogie.”
  • The term “What in tarnation!” derives from the expression “What in eternal damnation!”
  • The percentage of American men who say they’d marry the same woman if they had to do it all over again: 80%. The percentage of American women who say the same: 50%.
  • There are 2,598,960 possible hands in Texas Hold ‘Em.
  • Lucifer is Latin for “Light Bringer”.

NOW YOU KNOW

05/11/2022 Mish Mosh   Leave a comment

Let’s start this silly post with another really stupid headline. I’ve always wondered how much the headline writer’s get paid and are they ever fired for these kinds of mistakes. They probably never get fired; they’re usually promoted to Editor.

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

Let us move onto another of my favorite categories, Retro Bumper Stickers. I’m pretty sure my better-half still has the second one on her current car.

YOU! Out of the gene pool!

Don’t Drink and Drive – You Might Spill Your Beer.

As always, I like throwing a quote into the mix. Here’s a pearl of wisdom from Coco Chanel, one of the hottest women ever (in her 20’s & 30’s).

Her Best Look!

Β β€œThe most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”

And last but not least, an honorable mention to another of our favorite stupid criminals.

NOT ALL THERE

Oklahoma City – Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. The Assistant District Attorney said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should have blown your [expletive] head off.” The defendant paused, then quickly added, “-if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

ENJOY YOUR DAY

05/09/2022 For Music Lovers   Leave a comment

Now that Mother’s Day has come and gone, let’s look into something a bit more musical. Everyone seems to love music of one sort or another, so why don’t we all try to enjoy some music related limericks.

🎡🎡🎡

A small hairy dog from Pirbright

Would sit at the organ all night.

And in his shrewd way,

He kept burglars at bay,

For his Bach was much worse than his bite.

πŸ€₯πŸ€₯πŸ€₯

Tchaikovsky composed his “Swan Lake”,

With his grand reputation at stake,

So, he wasn’t too fond

Of its nickname “Duck Pond”,

He considered that name a mistake.

😝😝😝

There is a musician named Long

Who’s composed a new popular song.

I’m convinced it’s the croon

Of a lovesick baboon,

With occasional thumps on a gong.

πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡

There was a composer named Liszt

Whose music was hard to resist.

When he swept the keyboard,

Not a listener was bored,

And now that he’s gone, he is mizst.

πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄

HUM ALONG IF YOU MUST

05/08/2022 Weird Retail   1 comment

I’ve worked in a retail environment on a number of occasions during my somewhat illustrious career. Here are a few weird facts about retail related businesses and people. I know they may seem hard to believe but trust me when I say these are just the tip of the iceberg for weirdness. Enjoy . . .

Prostitution is legal in Germany; however, income from prostitution is taxed at a slightly higher rate than income from other occupations.

One in 10 Europeans was conceived on an IKEA bed, according to the company.

There are more copies of the IKEA catalog printed each year than the Bible.

The average child recognizes more than 200 company logos by the time they enter elementary school.

One in four homeless people in South Korea has a credit card.

There are approximately 18,000,000 items for sale at any given moment on eBay.

There are approximately $680 worth of eBay transactions every second.

The Malaysian government has banned car commercials featuring Brad Pitt because they are “an insult to Asians.”

First Starbucks opened in Seattle in 1971 at 2000 Western Ave., across.

from the historic Pike Place Market.

A Romanian taxi driver says his business has swelled since he started playing pornographic films in his cab for his customers.

According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, 50% of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.

The world’s first bra made completely of chocolate has gone on sale in Austria.

A Serbian tie maker is planning to launch a new range of penis cravats for the man who has everything.

A Colombian airline has promised free flights for life to any baby born on board one of their planes.

The first naked flight was made in 2003 carrying 87 passengers from Miami, Florida, to Cancun, Mexico.

πŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’Ÿ

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE

05/07/2022 Word Play   Leave a comment

The title of the post tells you everything you need to know. I love wordplay, making puns, finding palindromes, and using words that are rarely heard anymore. Word play can be fun and here are a few fun facts for your files.

  • Do you know how to tell the difference between morons, imbeciles, and Idiots? Morons – IQ 51 to 70, Imbeciles – IQ 26 to 50, and Idiots – IQ 0-25.
  • The words tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous are the only four words in the modern English language that end in “dous”.
  • There are no words that rhyme with orange.
  • If “off” means to deactivate, what happens when the alarm goes off?
  • Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “nerd” in print, from his 1950 book If I Ran the Zoo.
  • The word “Mountweazels” concerns spurious entries or fake words used to catch copyright cheaters.
  • The term “Tattarrattat” was coined by James Joyce in his novel Ulysses for a knock on the door. It also happens to be the longest palindrome in the Oxford English Dictionary.
  • “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
  • These six words have no accepted singular forms. Pajamas, Shorts, Jeans, Tights, Trousers, and Glasses.
  • “Floccinaucinihilipilification” is the longest real word (29 letters) in the Oxford English Dictionary.

I’ll keep searching for more of these and as I find them, I’ll post them. Language can be fun in so many ways. How cool is it to use the language properly to insult some clueless person who insists on irritating you and them not realizing what you meant.

ONE OF LIFE’S GUILTY PLEASURES

05/06/2022 Who Doesn’t Love the Middle Ages?   Leave a comment

I thought today I’d look into a little more history because that’s what I love to do. For years I was obsessed with reading about the Roman Empire and all of the associated craziness that went on during those years but it’s time to move on to the Middle Ages. To say it wasn’t a great time to be alive would be an understatement, those folks were crazy. I’m going to summarize a number of things that went on during that time and you’ll all be glad that you weren’t there.

Christian Charity 1505

The new Portuguese viceroy, Francisco D’Almeida, sailed for India via the east coast of Africa. His men mutilated every Arab they found, cutting off the right hands of the man and the ears and noses of the women. Arriving in Goa, they proceeded to slaughter all 8000 Muslims in the city.

Over-Armed 1516

The Turks armed one of their galleys with an artillery piece so massive that when it went into action against the Portuguese, the recoil of the gun causing the vessel to capsized killing many of the crew.

Additional Christian Charity 1533

Faced with the prospect of being burned to death by the Spanish, Atahuallpa, the last emperor of the Incas, converted to Christianity. He was thus spared being burned at the stake and was then publicly garroted instead.

The Witch with Three Breasts 1536

Henry VIII’s second wife, Anne Boleyn, was beheaded, having been accused of adultery, incest, and witchcraft. In support of this last charge, it is said that she not only had 11 fingers on one hand but also three breasts – although the third nipple, supposedly used for suckling the devil, was actually a mole on her neck.

Assaulted by the Amazons 1542

On his epic voyage down the Amazon, Francisco de Orellana was attacked by a tribe of tall, white women, whose private parts were covered but otherwise unclothed. It was in honor of these warrior women that he gave the Amazon River its name.

That’s just five easy examples as to why no one would ever have wanted to live in the Middle Ages. The more I read about it, the worse it gets. Today the Christians claim that the Muslims are rabid-dog killers, but history reveals that the Christians were just as bad. I guess I’ll count my blessings that I live in an age where I don’t need a religious label to determine how I feel about things. I’m up to my neck in more examples like these and at some point, in the future, I’ll post a few more tidbits but it’s truly depressing as hell. The biggest mistake as I see it is never to mix religion and politics. It absolutely brutal.

RELIGION IS THE BEST (SARCASM OFF)

05/04/2022 Political Oops!   1 comment

As I sit here preparing another posting I had an interesting thought. Over the years I’ve blogged way too often about politicians and political arguments. I’ve come to the realization that I haven’t accomplished much other than making myself feel better. Politicians are an easy target but don’t think they should be allowed to escape close scrutiny. Once you decide to be a politician your fate is in your own hands. If you play by the rules, treat people properly, and not lie through your teeth, you just might become a person who the country can be proud of. Unfortunately, it’s a very short list. Today’s posting can be looked at as taking cheap shots but that’s never been a problem for me, and it will continue. Enjoy these words of wisdom from the people we’ve elected.

“Thanks for the poncho.” Stated by Bill Clinton, when presented with the Romanian tricolor flag during a visit to that country.

“Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.” Statement made by Hillary Clinton, speaking at a 1996 Democratic fundraiser area.

“We got a strong candidate. I’m trying to think of his name.” Spoken by Sen. Christopher Dodd

“The law I sign today directs new funds . . . to the task of collecting vital intelligence . . . on weapons of mass production.” By Pres. George W. Bush

“Beginning in February 1976, your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976” From a letter by Illinois Department of Public Aid

“A zebra cannot change its spots.” Al Gore

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” Hillary Clinton

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.” Colonel Oliver North

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” Dan Quayle

“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.” Calvin Coolidge

YOU JUST CAN’T MAKE THIS SH*T UP

05/02/2022 πŸ’₯Asimov Limerick AlertπŸ’₯   Leave a comment

No matter what day of the week or month of the year, there’s always time for some of Mr. Asimov’s finely crafted limericks. These will tend to be a bit more off-color than the ones I usually post so keep your kids and prudish spouses clear. This is a really good way to kick off your week. Here we go . . .

Breathed a tender young man from Australia,

“My darling, please let me unveilia,

And then, oh, my own,

If you’ll kindly lie prone,

I will endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.”

πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

Said a certain young girl of Madrid

Who kept her vagina well hid,

“For a lousy peseta,

I am no fornicata,

But I’ll spring for an adequate bid.”

😲😲😲

“Adultery,” said Joseph, “is nice”.

If once is all right, better twice.

This doubling of rations

Improves my sensations

For the plural of spouse, friend, is “spice.”

😎😎😎

At a nudist camp, sweet little Lillian

Was slated to lead the cotillion.

This made her so proud

That to shine in the crowd

She painted Her nipples vermilion.

😈😈😈

ENJOY YOUR WEEK

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