I hate to admit it but I seem to have had a life-long addictive personality disorder. For more than fifteen years I was dangerously addicted to cigarettes and it took a fast ride to a hospital in an ambulance to convince me to stop smoking once and for all. Over the intervening years I developed minor addictions to marijuana, Scotch whiskey, potato chips, ice cream, and a dozen other small unimportant matters. I thought after all of my many years I had finally won the battle against worthless and annoying addictions but once again I was wrong. Since retirement I’ve discovered two of my newest and bothersome addictions: Amazon and The Internet.
If your not as mobile as you once were (due to old age) as I am currently, the Internet is eye opening in its wide range of idiots, morons, scammers and its endless supply of bullshit artists to keep me occupied for the foreseeable future. My window on the world is very small now and truly annoying but it’s all I have. My better-half has joined the ranks of the addicted and spends a lot of her time researching endless gardening information sites and searching for odd and strange recipes to make my dining a real adventure.
We live in an area that requires us to take special steps just to have just a working cell phone and Internet connection. Without that connection we’d have no television, no Internet, and no W-Fi. Since GPS doesn’t work very well in this area either I hope I never have a life threatening emergency. If I do I will die a really pissed off customer. Unfortunately an incident occurred earlier this week that started another round of craziness when we lost all Internet and Wi-Fi signals. My better-half found it necessary to drive our car for two miles to get a usable wi-fi signal, and then spent a half hour trying to find a human being to talk with about our continuing problem. All of these company computers and personnel still can’t seem to ever answer our most important question “Why isn’t this damn system working?”. When it was all said and done we had to wait two more hours for a repairman to show up at our home. They had us checking OUR equipment because their computer assured them that everything was operational on their end. They still forgot that one important thing again: WHY WE STILL DIDN’T HAVE ANY DAMN INTERNET, NO DAMN WIFI, AND NO DAMN TELEPHONE SERVICE. I suggested to the repairman that maybe it was their equipment and not ours.
Frustrating, YOU BET. Come to find out we’d been given a low level (cheap) modem when we began their service contract a year ago and that modem was apparently faulty. All of our troubles magically disappeared a few minutes later when the repairman plugged in a newer and updated modem. Here’s the kicker. As I watched all of my equipment humming along and finally running fine and saw that Internet entry screen reappear, I found my face a little flushed, had a huge rush of adrenaline, and a strange tingling all over my body. It was my introduction to my latest and scariest addiction ever – computer driven orgasms. Now I can have an illicit affair with my hardrive whenever I want or need to. Isn’t technology wonderful? LOL
I’ve been watching hundreds of Europeans since the World Cup ended who seem to be quite taken with the USA and especially all things Texas. Here’s another little gift directly from the wild, wild, west to all of those visitors. Even our limericks rock . . . .
I did a lot of reminiscing today as I was leafing through many old files and folders from my early years a a police officer. As I reviewed these documents I was truly amazed just how much paperwork I still retained from those “good old days”. I found a few things that were really old but still really funny. The following statements were supplied to actual police officer’s and were copied directly from their official accident reports. As always the truth is stranger than fiction.
WOMEN
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“A invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and then vanished.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
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MEN
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“A truck backed into my windshield into my wife’s face.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.”
“When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
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Welcome to the OMG club. Now you’ve heard it all too.
Now that all of my technology issues have been resolved I decided to go off in a different direction for todays post. Since we’re in the middle of a war with Iran I decided to read up on the Civil War for stories and facts of that conflict that might help to further prove that all wars suck. As I was reading my way though the Civil War notes I discovered these three short stories I found interesting. Maybe you will too.
If the Civil War had a champion soldier, he must have been George Barnhart Zimplemen, of Terry’s Texas Rangers CSA, a private by choice, who went through more than 400 battles and skirmishes up to May, 1865, he led his regiment in the number of horses shot from under him, and suffered two wounds, one of which maimed him for life. He survived the war.
Two brothers, Jack and Jasper Walker, of Charlotte, North Carolina. Jasper, fought at the battle of Gettysburg with the 13th North Carolina regiment. Jasper was wounded on July 1st, as the fifth color-bearer of his regiment to be shot. He was captured and a surgeon amputated his right leg and then sent him to a Northern prison. On the retreat from Gettysburg, Jack Walker was also shot and lost his left leg by amputation. He also was sent to another northern Federal prison. The brothers returned home after the war to become prosperous citizens, familiar in the town as they stumped about on cork legs. On Jaspers wedding day, he accidently fell and broke his artificial limb, he then borrowed the leg of his gallant brother which fit perfectly. This, as Confederate veterans were fond of telling youngsters, was the only case on record in which one man was married while standing on the leg of another.
Paul A. Futz, who enlisted as a Confederate private in 1861 at the age of fifteen, was caught with two other soldiers smuggling quinine through the Federal lines. The smugglers chewed up their papers but their captors still shot the older two. The tradition is that the pardoning of Futz was President Lincoln’s last official act.
The more I dug into the Civil War the more weird stories I discovered. Be warned, I’m against any wars except those that threaten my way of life and that of my family. If you do that then your ass is in trouble.
I wasn’t sure I’d be posting today since my best and fastest computer stopped cooperating a few days ago. With the assistance of my better-half, some written instructions from my nephew (who built it), and three or four thousand juicy curse words, I’m once again operational. A tip for those of you who may have computer issues of your own: RULE 1 – do not drink shots of whiskey while attempting to relocate and adjust tiny little switches in the computer. It slows down the progress immensely. Along with that my better-half found out just how skilled I was at stringing those curse words together. Her training continues. LOL Todays post is titled BIZARRE for a reason.
Katherine Hepburn suffered from a phobia of dirty hair. When she was shooting films for Twentieth Century Fox, she would sniff the heads of cast and crew to make sure their hair was squeaky clean.
In Vermont it is illegal to whistle underwater.
Pennsylvania law books record a 1971 case of a man suing Satan – for his own bad luck and downfall. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds that Satan did not live in the state of Pennsylvania.
Don’t ever fall asleep in a bath tub in Detroit. You could be arrested because sleeping in bathtubs is illegal in the city.
“You have to be saved to get into heaven . . . you only have to be you to get into hell.” Marilyn Manson
In the ancient city of Jericho the dead were buried under the houses they lived in. But first their heads were severed, covered with plaster and clay, and decorated for their families to worship.
Catherine, wife of Russian czar Peter I, had a wandering eye, and Peter caught on. To teach Catherine a lesson, he forced her to watch her lover be killed, then pickled the lover’s head and kept it in their bedroom.
In the 17th century, midwives had a custom of saving a woman’s afterbirth, or placenta, and then burning it. The superstition was that the number of times the burning placenta popped indicated the number of children the mother could expect in the future.
For decades sports stars have claimed that appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine was the fastest way to a slump or defeat.
When John Madden was the coach of the Oakland Raiders football team, he wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen had belched.
Here’s something I wish I’d posted prior to the World Cup taking ownership of our country. I found it in a book of random trivia facts which I will diligently attempt to paraphrase. Most countries think that Americans hate soccer. I think that’s probably true but to a lesser extent than you might think. Here is an opinion piece which I found somewhat interesting.
Even though playing youth soccer is a veritable rite of passage in parts of the U.S., it seems that most Americans tend to lose interest in the sport around the age of twelve. The indifference previously shown to the sport has baffled sports journalists for decades. Here are a few theories why.
American’s dislike games in which you can’t use your hands.
Americans dislike games without a lot of action and they consider soccer boring. Too many tie games and games with a score of three or less goals. Watching soccer for a few hours is mind-numbing.
Americans don’t like prissy athlete’s who spend most of the game flopping around on the ground and gesticulating wildly when they get called for a penalty.
The real problem is that America has never fielded a team that was competitive in the sport and that stings the American ego a bit. Losing to teams from countries like Columbia and Costa Rica is ego deflating.
The world’s insane love for soccer is strange to Americans but at the same time Americans are crazy for NASCAR. That’s a seriously vexing sports question to be sure. Will things ever change because of our recent exposure to the World Cup? Who knows?
FYI: I WILL NEVER BE A SOCCER (OR FUTBOL) FAN . . . EVER!
With the Fourth of July behind us it’s time to move on down the road. I realized recently that with the World Cup invading America, making thousands of videos, and loving our life here, I began to see things about them more clearly than ever before. Since I’ve been impressed with them, now it’s time for you to impress yourselves with a World Trivia Quiz. This is how I celebrate the Fourth. as always the answers will be listed below.
What are the natives of Monaco called?
What is the mussiest river in the world?
Where was St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, born?
On what island are one-third of the world’s languages spoken?
American children get their Easter eggs from the Easter Bunny. Who delivers Easter eggs to Swiss youngsters?
Serendip was the early name for Ceylon. What is it now called?
What was the name of the pug who shared it’s bed with Napoleon and Josephine?
Where is the large iron key to the Bastille – that notorious French prison – kept today?
What river is the only one that flows both north and south of the equator?
What country, after the USA, has the world’s greatest number of tornados?
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The Answers
Monegasques, The Yellow River in China, Scotland, New Guinea with 700 native languages, The Easter Cuckoo, Sri Lanka, Fortune, George Washington’s home at Mt. Vernon, The Congo – it crosses the equator twice, Australia.
It’s almost too effing hot to do anything. I’m hiding in the man-cave with the fans roaring and it sounds more like an airport runway than a man-cave. It’s as good a day as any to post more of my favorite things: limericks. I normally post limericks by category but not today. Here are a few chosen totally at random from the archives.
“Today is the start of another new month and believe me when I tell you that they’ll keep coming faster and faster as you age. I’ve made the decision recently to once again reduce this blog to posting only twice a week instead of the current three days (Tuesdays, Thursdays & Saturdays). It makes sense going forward for me to begin posting only on Tuesdays and Thursdays because the readership during the summer months is substantially reduced. If things improve in the Fall and I’m sure they will, I’ll probably reconsider my decision. That being said I hope you all have a pleasant and happy summer.”
Now on to todays post. This post is primarily for those of you who either have or have contact with young children. These questions were compiled by a large group of highly educated professionals. They’re not a right or wrong kind of quiz but one that will certainly spark some interesting conversations. This first installment will give you ten questions to work with. Future installments will continue until we’ve reviewed all 268. Have fun reviewing them with the kids and hopefully you’ll both learn a few things about each other.
If you ruled the world and could have anything you wanted, and people would do anything you wanted, do you think you’d get greedy and mean or be good and fair?
Do you think boys or girls have it easier?
If your mother promised to be home at 2:00 in the afternoon to take you to the movies but didn’t show up until suppertime and didn’t even phone, what would be a good punishment for her? Would punishing her be likely to make her on time in the future?
If all of your best friends were wiling to be absolutely honest and tell you exactly what they liked and disliked about you, would you want them to?
Would you rather have a strict teacher who was fair and taught you a lot or one who was relaxed and fun but didn’t teach you much?
One day your father gets a really weird idea and dyes his hair green and puts a ring through his nose. Knowing everyone would be looking at him and snickering, would you go shopping with him if he wanted your company?
When you make a mistake, do you make up excuses? If so, do you think people believe you?
If you could have a round-trip in a time machine and travel any distance into the past or the future, where would you want to go?
If a friend had an important secret and didn’t want other people to learn about it, would telling you the secret be a big mistake?
If your parents were worried about a serious problem that had nothing to do with you directly, would you want them to tell you about it or would you rather not know?
Well, there you have the first ten questions. I hope they’ll help you help the children to learn about themselves.
Today I thought I should step away from all of the excitement connected with the World Cup. The endless supply of Tik-Toker’s are doing a fine job of informing the world about the USA and I’m sincerely happy about that. Reality will return soon enough, so enjoy our time in the sun as best you can. Todays post is a collection of thoughts and opinions by one of my favorite writers and philosophers, Oscar Wilde. He was a figure both loved and hated due to his many writings and personal exploits. I’ve always appreciated his Irish sense of humor and skilled and vicious use of sarcasm. A warning for those of you (myself included) who wield the sharp sword of sarcasm at every turn. It’s always a hazardous hobby even on the good days. Let’s get started.
ON WOMEN
“American women are pretty and charming: little oases of elegant unreasonableness in a vast desert of practical common sense.”
“Women are meant to be loved, not understood.”
“A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, as long as other women are looking on.”
“I like men who have a future, and women who have a past.”
“If you really want to know what a women means, which is dangerous, always look at her but never listen.”
ON MEN
“Men become old, they never become good.”
“I sometime think that God, in creating man, rather overestimated his ability.”
“If a man is a gentleman, he knows quite enough, and if he is not a gentleman, whatever he knows is likely to be bad for him.”
“A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her.”
ON LOVE & MARRIAGE
“London is full of women who trust their husbands; one can always recognize them because they look so thoroughly unhappy.”
“The only real tragedy in a woman’s life is that her past is always her lover, and her future is invariably her husband.”
“There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman; it’s a thing that no married man knows anything about.”
“Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious: both are disappointed.”
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ONE OF MY FAVORITES
“No great artist sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.”
everyuselessthing.com 