For you millennials who may read this post I’m giving you fair warning. I’m a eighty year old man who wants to tell you a story that will be a little sappy and hopefully a little funny but everything will be true. And before you start reading and rolling your eyes at what I say remember that I was much like you (a millennial) in the wild and wacky 1960’s when almost everything was always out of control. At that time I perfected that eye roll you’re probably still using today. Being alive in the sixties was a “trip” to say the least. Free love, an over abundance of drugs, with Rock & Roll as our mantra. My best friend and I were in constant trouble from stealing booze and cigarettes from our parents to the occasional visits from state and local police. We thought we had all the answers but were kept from getting really crazy by my ever so vigilant parents. I had my first official date and fell in love immediately until we were sidetracked by both her parents and mine who squashed our love like a bug. Then I crashed my fathers new car resulting in more eye rolling and some serious ass kicking. I decided then that maybe college would be a good change to let me live my life my way. I mean, how right could my parents be, they were over forty years old and obviously had no clue about things. So, I headed off to college to start my next millennial adventure . . .
College wasn’t an adventure but it was very strange. I was just one knucklehead in a rather large group of other knuckleheads trying to adjust to a life of freedom without parents. My biggest problem was adjusting from my father’s strict rules for everything to having no rules at all. I drank way too much and chased young ladies way too much, and learned almost nothing. I cut classes, constantly overslept and was a miserable failure as a student. In my third year I dropped out without alerting my parents and spent the remainder of the money I’d saved entertaining roommates and other friends (mainly females). But the damn college just had to go and notify my parents that I was a no-show and OMG were they irate (another huge parental eye roll). I returned home as a failed millennial with no money, no job, and two parents who would never let me forget what an ass I’d become.
Lets skip ahead to my enlistment in the Army, my time as a state police officer in Pennsylvania , getting married, finishing my bachelors degree, to getting an upper level management job with a national corporation, and finally retiring from the State of Maine’s Judicial Branch. My point is that if I can survive my millennial years, so can you. Truthfully, if you think about it everyone has a millennial period at some time in their life. It’s also true that human beings seem compelled to give everyone and everything a nickname (usually derogatory). There’s the Boomers (that’s me), the Gen X’ers, Gen Y’ers, and hundreds of others. It’s all just so much bullshit. Just remember this important fact. In a few years many of you will marry and have children. What will their nicknames be when they hit their millennial years and begin to drive you absolutely crazy? Some thing you can look forward to. It’s called the “Circle of Life”. LOL
If the title has confused you, let me explain. Malaprops are simply a wide variety of verbal miscues. I’m supplying you with a few samples that made me grin a little. These were taken from grade school, middle school, high school and college examinations. So much for higher education.
Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
Italics are what Italians write in.
Protons are in both meat and electricity.
Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent.
You purify water by filtering it and the forcing it through an aviator.
Salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
Never look a gift horse in the mouse.
A leopard is a form of dotted lion.
The police surrounded the building and threw an accordian around the block.
Marriage to one wife is called monotony.
The mountain range between France and Spain is the Pyramids.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
🎓🎓🎓
A special thanks (tongue-in-cheek) to all of the teachers who taught these exceptional students. Maybe they will all be saved embarrassment once the AI’s take over. LOL.
I spend a moderate amount of my time reading, listening, and even watching some sports on TV or online. For me baseball is the absolute best. I fell in love with it at age 8 and that love affair continues to this day. I was born and raised in the Pittsburgh area but when it comes to baseball I favor no particular teams. It’s the skill of exceptional players that keeps me coming back. I thought today a short quiz of baseball trivia might interest some of you. Here are ten questions with the answers listed below. Have fun with it.
How man times did the “Father of Baseball” Abner Doubleday, mention the sport in his 67 diaries?
What baseball team introduced the sacrifice bunt, the squeeze play, the hit-and-run play, and the double steal?
Why did baseball manager Hal Lanier order all TV sets removed from the Houston Astro clubhouse in 1986?
What was the greatest number of homeruns hit in a single season by Ty Cobb, the Georgia Peach?
What famous sports commentator announced his first major league baseball game without ever having seen a game before?
FRED LYNN
What was baseball great, Stan Musial’s, advice to players trying to hit the spit ball?
What baseball playing brothers came in first and second in the race for the National League batting title in 1966?
What other two brothers hit home runs in the same World Series game?
Who was the only rookie in baseball history to be honored as rookie of the year and most valuable player in the same season?
What is the maximum length and thickness permitted for a major league baseball bat?
🧢❤️🧢❤️🧢
Answers
Not once, The Baltimore Orioles, Player missed some practice because of watching the Wheel of Fortune, 12, Red Barber in 1934 for The Cincinnati Reds, “Hit it on the dry side.”, Matty .342 & Felipe Alou .327, Ken & Clete Boyers, Fred Lynn 1975, Length 43″ & Thickness 2 1/4″.
In keeping with the theme of this blog “everyuselessthing”, I thought a short history lesson was in order to supply readers with a little known trivia tidbit about NASA and the first moon landing. In 1969 Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon as we all know but were you aware that William Safire, President Nixon’s speechwriter, gave the president a draft of a speech he might have to give if the moon mission failed. It is claimed that the president never saw it. Here is a copy of that speech.
Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.
These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.
These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their family and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.
In their exploration they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man.
In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood.
Others will follow, and surely find their way home, Man’s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they remain the foremost in our hearts.
For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.
One final tidbit of irony. In 1999, on the 30th year anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts were shown this text for the first time by Tim Russert on Meet the Press.
This post is being written on Easter Sunday and should be considered a tongue-in-cheek horror story from my youth. It will also explain to readers why I have never celebrated Easter as would be expected. In my early childhood I was always confused by my parents when my mother claimed Easter was a religious holiday but the rest of the family loaded me up with chocolate bunnies, candy eggs, and plastic eggs in the yard containing quarters. I was greatly confused but truly enjoyed all the candy that eventually rotted out a few of my teeth.
When I reached the age of ten they decided to take a different approach to Easter. I still got all the candy and eggs but they added a few things to the mix. I received four baby chicks that immediately ran behind the refrigerator and refused to come out. Eventually they did but within two weeks they had all passed away and never even got an offer of an Easter resurrection. I was truly sad but I hadn’t had time to develop much of a relationship with them. I did give them a silent prayer and a beautiful burial ceremony as my father tossed them into a trash can. I forgot to mention one other thing. Along with those chicks I was also gifted two small white baby rabbits which I immediately fell in love with. They were so damn cute and cuddly.
Now, let’s jump ahead three years. Those cute little bunnies had grown into two huge white rabbits that were so big we were forced build a hutch in the yard for them to live in. I still loved them both but my father did not. He constantly complained about them being a nuisance but I wouldn’t let him sell or give them away. I came home from school one afternoon prepared to do my homework and then have dinner. As I sat down at the table I immediately noticed a large plate of steaming meat and was told by my father to “eat up”. I asked what kind of meat it was and he told that the two rabbits would no longer be a problem. He’d killed my bunnies and served them to me for dinner. Needless to say I went to bed hungry that night. Happy Effing Easter!
That pretty much erased Easter from the list of holidays I chose to celebrate. Even now I cringe a little when my spouse has the grandchildren over for their annual Easter egg hunt. They love finding the hidden eggs especially the plastic ones with money in them. My only requirement is “No Bunnies or Chicks” chocolate or otherwise. I’d have terrible nightmares for a week.
A few days ago I was listening to a stand-up comic on-line making jokes about the cost of women’s products he found in his wife’s vanity. He claimed to be utterly shocked that she spent $80.00 for a small vial of some magic ointment that would make her feel younger and better about herself. He made me laugh a lot but then I got to thinking. How did those products develop and where? Todays post may help you understand where it all started and who is to blame. LOL
Cosmetics and Makeup – 8,ooo years ago in Egypt.
Eye Makeup -4000 B.C. – Again from Egypt
Rouge, Face Powder, Lipstick – 4000 B.C. from the Greeks
Beaty Patches & Compacts – 17th Century Europe
Nail Polish – Pre-3000 B.C. from China
Creams, Oils, Moisturizers – 3000 B..C. from once again those damn Egyptians.
The Mirror – 3500 B.C. from Mesopotamia
Hair Styling – 1500 B.C. from Assyria
Cold Cream – 2nd Century from Rome
Modern Hair Coloring – 1909 from France
Wigs – 3000 B.C. – again from Egypt
Hair Pins – 10,000 Years Ago – from Asia
Hair Dryer – 1920 – Wisconsin, USA
The Comb – Pre-4000 B.C. from Asia and Africa
Perfume – Pre-6000 B.C. from the Middle and Far East
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
💥
1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
💥💥
1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
Okay everyone, say goodbye to March. It certainly won’t be missed with it’s sucky weather patterns and frigid cold which seems to last forever. My really big and repeating bitch is the local snowplow driver who once again sent my mailbox flying into the neighbors yard in pieces. That’s happened twice this winter and once while I was standing nearby. The mailbox will need to be replaced again which is nothing new, we replaced it four times in the last seven years. Enough of my whining lets get to some hopefully interesting but odd facts.
When you receive a kidney transplant, the doctors usually leave the original kidney inside of you.
There are 80,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 ways to arrange a deck of cards.
Studies suggest that placebos work even when the subject knows they are taking a placebo.
The darkest substance known is called “vantablack” and it absorbs 99.965% of all visible light.
A dying someone once actually left a cat an inheritance of 12.5 million dollars.
If you ate natural wasabi, you wouldn’t find it spicy. For spiciness it must be crushed.
Nuclear fallout was once measured in “sunshine units”.
Some blind humans are capable of echolocation.
In the 1800’s, a man proclaimed himself emperor of the United States and issued his own currency.
The Declaration of Independence was written on animal skin.
🪖🪖🪖
FUNNY AND UNCONFIRMED
Reports suggest that during the cold war, the CIA planned to demoralize the soviet people by air dropping thousands of magnum-sized American condoms labeled “Small”. (I certainly hope this isn’t true but you never know with the CIA involved.)
I’m what some people would call a member of the “TV Generation”. I’ve never taken that description as a negative because it’s the truth. I’ve lived through seven decades of TV and I’m sure it only damaged me a little. I’ve enjoyed huge hit shows and series in almost very decade except for my years overseas with the Army. Truthfully I enjoy it just as much now as I did then. There have been huge changes over the years but if you see TV as simply entertainment then you won’t be too disappointed. Todays post is a short quiz about TV in the 90’s. Answers will be listed below.
A Festivas celebration includes the airing of what?
The famous catchy theme song for Friends, “I’ll Be There For You” was played by what duo?
Who hosted the first Academy Awards show in 1990?
Who did Mila Kunis play on That 70’s Show?
In what year did the final episode of Cheers air?
What type of animal is Ren from The Ren & Stimpy Show?
From what show was the Chicago-set Family Matters a spin-off?
What are the twins name on Rugrats?
What was the most popular salad dressing in the USA in 1992?
What was Ross’s reason for believing he didn’t cheat on Rachel?
📺BONUS QUESTION📺
What was the Seinfeld’s creator Larry David’s motto for the show, ensuring there would be no sentimentality or character growth?
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Answers
Grievances’, The Rembrandts, Billy Crystal, Jackie Burkhart, 1993, Perfect Strangers, Phil & Lil, A Chihuahua, Ranch Dressing, “They were on a break.”, BONUS- No hugging & no learning.
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
❤️❤️❤️
If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
❤️❤️❤️
And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
❤️❤️❤️
Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
everyuselessthing.com 