I recently began rereading Isaac Azimov’s “The Foundation Series“. I’ve read it at least four or five times over the years which probably makes me a crazy rabid Azimov fan. Since I’ve lately reintroduced him to my brain, todays post will include a few of his limericks. While he was a prolific writer of books, he was also a lover of all things limerick. In company with a friend and fellow writer, John Ciardi, they’ve written hundreds of limericks both funny and many times a little bawdy. Here are a few to make you smile.
It amazes me that anyone who spends time telling dirty jokes to friends, family, or acquaintances, thinks their jokes are the most hilarious of all time. Some folks have the ability to remember dozens of dirty jokes which helps them to become the life of the party. That’s not me. I’ve heard many hundreds of jokes over the years and some were truly side-splittingly funny. I may repeat a joke a few times but even the really funny ones slowly fade from my memory and unless I write them down, they’re just gone. Now to my point. I have in my hot little hand a book published in 1976. It’s titled “The Worlds Best Dirty Jokes” and the book was compiled by the unidentified “Mr. J”. Why he thought his collection was the worlds best dirty jokes I will never understand. I offer up two of those jokes from that book for your enjoyment. I’ll bet anything that you’ll think your jokes are funnier than these.
The famous Greek ship owner Ori Oristotle, was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece. He said to the architect, “Don’t disturb that tree over there because directly under that tree is where I had my first sexual experience.” “How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle,” the architect said, Right under that tree.” “Yes,” continued Ori, “And don’t touch that tree over there either. Because that’s where her mother stood watching while I was having my first sex.” “Her mother just stood there while you were screwing her daughter?” the architect asked. “Yes”, said Mr. Oristotle. “But Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?” “She said, BAAAA”
I hope you didn’t hurt yourself with all of the hilarious side-spitting laughter from that jewel.
*NEXT*
🌭🌭🌭
Lee and Larry were a pair of winos. They woke up with the shakes one afternoon to find they only had $.40 between them. Lee began to climb the walls, but Larry said calmly, ” Look, old man, give me the forty cents and I’ll show you how we can drink free all day.” So they went into a diner, and Lee bought a hotdog, which he stuck in Larry’s fly. Next, they went into a nearby bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for payment, Lee got down on the floor and started sucking on Larry’s hotdog which they had placed in his pants. The bartender screamed, “You goddamn perverts, get the hell out of here.” They repeated the scenario in more than a dozen bars and finally, Lee complained, “Listen Larry, it was a great scheme but my knees are getting sore from hitting the floor so much.” Larry shook his head, “You should complain,” he said. “We lost the damn hotdog after the second bar.
I began my morning by reading a number of limericks. For me that’s the only proper way to start a day. I rooted through my book shelves and found what were the remains of a very small book of limericks published in 1980. It is a very small and was packed into the hardcovers with a rubber band. It fell to pieces as I began reading it. The book is titled Dirty Little Limericks and here is the first sentence in the forward which tells you all you need to know, “A good friend of mine – a practicing therapist – has advanced the thesis that the greatest contributions to human health and sanity in the last two hundred years is neither penicillin nor indoor plumbing, but rather the limerick.” I couldn’t agree more. Here are four for your enjoyment.
As you are aware I hunt like an obsessed bloodhound for topics that are a 7-9 on the weirdness scale. Fortunately for me all that weirdness has for some reason had little or no effect on me (I hope you are someone who doesn’t miss a satirical comment when you read it). Todays post will contain six blurbs about well-known people who were truly weirder than anyone ever imagined.
WALT WHITMAN
When American poet Walt Whitman died in 1892, his brain was put in a jar and donated to the University of Pennsylvania. The University doesn’t have it anymore because a clumsy lab technician dropped the jar on the floor and damaged the brain. The University quietly discarded it, and Whitman’s “Specimens Days” were over.
MARGARET WISE BROWN
American children’s author Margaret Wise Brown (1910 to 1952), who wrote many tender kitty-and-bunny tales, including Good Night Moonand The Bunnies Birthday, loved to hunt rabbits and she collected their severed feet as trophies.
VOLTAIRE
Voltaire always fainted whenever he smelled roses. He also drank seventy cups of coffee every day. Are the facts related, who knows?
EMILY DICKINSON
Poet Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) will’s final requests were that she would be buried in a white casket, that heliotropes be placed inside along with a posy of blue violets to be placed at her throat. All of her wishes were granted.
AGATHA CHRISTIE
Agatha Christie nearly pulled off a real-life hoax worthy of her mystery novels. Upset that her husband was leaving her for another woman, she set up an incriminating crime scene that almost got him arrested for “her murder”. Luckily for him, an employee at a distant seaside hotel saw news photos of Christie and recognized her as the woman who had slipped into their hotel under an assumed name. Although Christie claimed amnesia, the police were not amused after having wasted a week of searching rivers and bogs for her body.
⚱️⚱️⚱️
And last but not least goes to someone who finally discovered his true worth.
TUPAC SHAKUR
Requested that his ashes be mixed with marijuana and smoked by his friends in the band Outlawz.
I’m having a day of total confusion. The sun is shining brightly but the temperature remains in the forties. I desperately want to begin using the deck to relax and read a book but it’s hard when you’re wearing gloves and two layers of clothing. Now I’m back at the computer and deciding which limericks I’ll be using. There’s no theme to these limericks just five that tickled my fancy and I hope they do the same for you.
💥
There once was a son-of-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
Yet the girls he would dazzle,
And screw to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-bitch.
💥💥
There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn,
Though he diddled his best,
And screwed her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
💥💥💥
There was a young man man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
💥💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question’s not woody but could he?
❤️❤️❤️
And here’s a favorite for those avid readers out there.
I’ve been sitting here trying to decide a couple of things. First, how should I celebrate my upcoming eightieth birthday. Second, what should I post on this blog tomorrow. So, I mixed the two things together resulting in a list of things accomplished by other more famous eighty-year-olds from the past. It probably won’t mean much to you until you reach the age of seventy-five when you begin to wonder what your future holds. Have fun with it (It really isn’t that much fun).
Moses, in disgust, breaks the tablets inscribed with the Ten Commandments, then goes back to get a second set. (That took some balls pissing off God)
Queen Victoria utters her famous critique, “We are not amused.” (I’m pretty sure we still aren’t)
Jessica Tandy wins her first Oscar, for Best Supporting Actress for The Sunshine Boys. (Glad I missed that one.)
George Burns also wins his first Oscar, for Best Supporting Actor in The Sunshine Boys. (He was way better playing God)
Pope Gregory XIII establishes the Gregorian calendar, thus correcting the errors of the Julian calendar by changing the rules regarding leap years. (I’m sure he spent long and rigorous late nights lying awake trying to figure that out. What a BS claim to fame at eighty)
Robert Penn Warren becomes Americas first official poet laureate. (I think some of his other works began as – Roses are red, something was blue – Ya-Da! Ya-Da! Ya-Da!)
Leopold Stokowski founds the American Symphony Orchestra. (Never heard of him or the orchestra until today)
After rereading this list I find myself even more depressed than before I started. Maybe eighty doesn’t have much to offer although I considered for a short time revisiting some excitement from my thirties when I made a a number of skydives. I started calling around and actually found a place here in Maine that was willing to accommodate me. I was preparing to schedule the event when my better-half discovered my plan. After she made it perfectly clear I wouldn’t be able to skydive if she broke both of my legs, I cancelled the plan. My eightieth will only be a loud and raucous evening at Uno’s with my better-half, a tray of sliders and if I get lucky there may be a visit from Jack Daniels and possibly ice cream. Screw all of those famous old farts.
Many years ago I came upon a book of poetry titled MIRACLES compiled in 1966 containing poems from English speaking children from around the world. Any time I’m feeling down or depressed I return to the poetry in that book. The name of the authors and their age will be listed at the time the poetry was collected. With luck the authors are now in their forties and fifties and I hope they’ve continued with their poetry writing. They’ll never know how much pleasure they’ve given me over the years. I hope you enjoy them as well.
If the title has confused you, let me explain. Malaprops are simply a wide variety of verbal miscues. I’m supplying you with a few samples that made me grin a little. These were taken from grade school, middle school, high school and college examinations. So much for higher education.
Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
Italics are what Italians write in.
Protons are in both meat and electricity.
Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent.
You purify water by filtering it and the forcing it through an aviator.
Salmon swim upstream to spoon.
Socrates died from taking a poison called wedlock.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
Never look a gift horse in the mouse.
A leopard is a form of dotted lion.
The police surrounded the building and threw an accordian around the block.
Marriage to one wife is called monotony.
The mountain range between France and Spain is the Pyramids.
The government of England is a limited mockery.
🎓🎓🎓
A special thanks (tongue-in-cheek) to all of the teachers who taught these exceptional students. Maybe they will all be saved embarrassment once the AI’s take over. LOL.
I decided today would be a good day to introduce all of you to “limerick time-travel”. This collection of limericks were created prior to 1900 so the wording may sound a bit strange. It just goes to further show that human beings while separated by more than 100 years write their limericks about all the same stuff. He we go . . .
💥
1879
There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin,
But he said with much pride
“Though deprived of my hide,
I can still enjoy a put in.”
💥💥
1878
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who was terribly plagued with wet dreams.
She saved up a dozen,
And sent to her cousin ,
Who ate them and thought they were creams.
💥💥💥
1870
There was a young lady named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice c*ck sucker,
Said, “Don’t bow out your lips
Like an elephant’s hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.
💥❤️💥❤️💥❤️💥
And here’s a favorite from the year of my birth – 1946.
I try to be an avid reader of just about everything. I really enjoy reading poetry as well as being hooked on history. With today’s post I’ll try to mix those two interests. We’ll look back many years to the so-called sophisticated British Empire to find some of the most outrageous limericks and dirty jokes. It seems people are just people regardless of the time period they’re born into. The following piece of history (and I use the term loosely) will make some of you smile and some others cringe. The date of this little gem as best that can be determined was the year 1612. I’ll let you determine it’s value (if you can find any). Enjoy this piece from our sophisticated and disturbing ancestors titled “The Wooing Rogue”.
Come live with me and be my Whore
And we will beg from door to door,
Then under a hedge we’ll sit and delouse us.
Until the Beatle and come to rouse us.
And if they’ll give us no relief
Thou shalt turn Whore and I’ll turn Thief.
❤️❤️❤️
If thou can’st rob them I can steal
And we’ll eat roast-meat at every meal:
Nay! We’ll eat White bread every day
And throw out mouldy Crusts away,
And twice a day we will be drunk
And then at Night I’ll kiss my punk.
❤️❤️❤️
And when we both shall have the Pox,
We then shall want Shirts and Smocks
To shift each others mangy hide
Is with itch so pockified:
We’ll take some clean ones from a hedge
And leave our old ones for a Pledge.
❤️❤️❤️
Isn’t that the most romantic love poem ever? I agree it wasn’t nearly as interesting as works by Emily Dickenson or Robert Frost but it grabbed my heart and soul tightly and rightly. I sure wish I could have lived back then just to met the unknown author and to shake his hand. (Only after it had been thoroughly washed, of course). (SATIRE OFF)
everyuselessthing.com 