03-24-2019 Life in the Slow (Senior) Lane   Leave a comment

I’ve been a very bad boy for the last year and have ignored this blog like never before.  I think it was a combination of procrastination and political burnout and a general feeling that the people in this country are first and foremost, IDIOTS.  For years I blogged on politics of every sort and held nothing back. I soon realized much too late that it was a total waste of my time. The problem with a political obsession is that it ends up eating you alive.  Politics and politicians are a waste of my time and energy . . . so no more politics.

My life now is currently filled with the same sort of nonsense as yours but with a few differences. This year I’m celebrating my tenth year of retirement and an entire year since I last blogged.  I’ve been retired just long enough to be the resident expert in many things that make most of you younger folks a little nervous.  I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Who likes thinking about such exciting things as aging, related health issues, financial problems, and of course the hideous “D” word. It’s all part of your proverbial “golden years” that you’ve been waiting so long to reach.

Retirement in your sixties is almost as difficult to plan as having a spouse and children in your twenties. The day will come all too soon when you’ll be facing some sort of retirement and I hope you have planned well.  It sounds like a great thing and it is for the first few months. Not being forced to drag yourself out of bed every morning to go to work is very nice.  You’ll also miss all of the bitching and whining you did to help you get through your work day and the other associates who were there  to bitch and complain with.

I recall hundreds of times during my career that I wished for just a few hours of peace and quiet.  As they always say, “Be careful what you wish for.”  Being a former workaholic made it difficult for me to slow down and I immediately fell into my old work-day habits and sleep patterns.  This battle with myself took more than a year to deal with and fortunately for my mental health I discovered photography which kept me quite busy for a number of years.

The next few years is when I was forced to accept the obvious fact that I was getting old. The hardest thing you will ever do is to admit and accept your own mortality.  I fought it for years but at some point, if your honest with yourself, you accept that other people no longer see you as a young or middle-aged person. They’ve already accepted you as a senior citizen and this in turn forces you to accept it as well.  It’s a major life step to take and most of us do it grudgingly. I may still feel in my heart that I’m 30 years old but my body tells me in a hundred different ways that I’m just kidding myself.

I know this all sounds god-awful but there is a silver lining in this dark cloud. Being a retired senior gives you a freedom you could never have imagined. I seemed to have gained credibility of a sort just because my hair is now gray and I walk a little slower.  I’ve become a fountain of information to all of the younger generations who have little or no life experience.  Some of them actually do listen to me and ask to hear stories from the “good old days”.  Things like that used to really piss me off but no more. Bring it on all of you Milennials.

I should also explain that after 72 years I’ve finally been permitted to have that “free speech” everyone has always been talking about.  Don’t ask me questions unless you want to hear a real answer, not more of todays politically correct BS.  Do I look fat in this dress? Hell yes you do.  Do you think I should have my kids vaccinated? Yes, what are you a moron?  I’m a vegan. Who really cares?  It’s a surprising perk that I never really expected to have. Now I can truly “tell it like it is.”

Last but not least and probably the coolest thing about being a senior is my ability to be rude without anyone being aware of it.  If people are jabbering on about inconsequential nonsense I can pretend to not hear them. After the third “What, huh!” they tend to wander off to bother someone else. I can also get a confused look on my face and start to ask questions of them that are not pertinent to the current conversation. Their first thought is that I’m having a memory loss or possibly early onset Alzheimer’s. Either way they also tend to wander off to talk to someone else very quickly.  It makes my life a little more interesting and at times humorous.  Speaking of humorous, here’s some senior humor that I particularly like since it’s about cops and senior citizens. Being an ex-cop and now a Senior it seemed an excellent way to end this post.

An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.” The old guy said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to old guy, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

The wise old man said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

A VERY WISE AND EXPERIENCED SENIOR CITIZEN

Posted March 28, 2019 by Every Useless Thing in Just Saying Again

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: