Now that we’re a few days into the month of March I began getting those terrible Spring Fever feelings. I know it’s wishful thinking this early but I’m sick and tired of this cold weather and snow and power outages and all of the other benefits of living in Maine. Let me brighten up your day a little with a few jokes that might just make you smile and forget it still effing March.

• Two prim and proper southern rural sisters, Georgia and Loreen, were sitting on the porch in rocking chairs discussing Loreen’s recent trip to New York City. Loreen says, “Sister, did you know that in New York City there are women who kiss other women on the lips?” Georgette gasps and exclaims, “Oh, sister! What do they call them?” “They call them lesbians,” Loreen replies. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are men who kiss other men on the lips?” “Oh, sister,” says Georgia, fanning herself in a startled frenzy. “What do they call them?” “They call them gay, “Loreen says. “And, sister, did you know that in New York City there are men who kiss women on their private parts?” To this, Georgia’s face turns bright red, and she nearly falls out of her chair as she explains,”Ohhhhh, sister! What do they call them?” Loreen smiles a secretive smile and proudly announces, “Well, I don’t know but when he looked up, I called him Precious!”

• Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “What are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter will be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning, he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why, Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float away to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no further questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy is dying!” “Uncle Harry is blowing up mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, Oh God, I’m coming!”

• Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees, always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay someone off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. After much thought, he eventually decided he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah got a terrible headache and needed to take an aspirin. She got the aspirin out of her purse and went to the water cooler to get something to wash it down. Mr. Smith followed her to the water cooler, placed his hand on here shoulder and said, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you, or Jack, off.” Sarah said, “You’ll just have to jackoff – I have a terrible headache!”

297 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

That should wipe that smile off your face.