I’m a consistent user of quotations. Sometimes they’re funny and other times they only assist my poor writings to make them seem more pertinent. Todays post contains a variety of quotes from a host of known and unknown writers. Some are funny and some not so funny. You may recognize the names of the authors and maybe you won’t. It’s not really about the authors but what they’ve written. Even people who are not well known actually have the ability to say some truly profound things.
“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.” Elaine Boosler
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk Bone shorts.” Kelly Allen
“Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” T.S. Eliot
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason – there’s a reason.” Molly McGee
“The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.” Rebecca West
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“The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married and the married wish to be dead.” Ann Landers
“Canadians should come down to California and take the jobs away from our Mexicans.” Stanley Ralph Ross
“Politics is a means of preventing people from taking part in what properly concerns them.” Paul Valery
Wise men talk because they have somethin to say; fools talk because they have to say something. Plato
“A good husband is healthy and absent.” Japanese Proverb
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“My cat shit on my last painting. Should I take it personally?”
Are you ready for a new batch of disturbing, disgusting, and naughty limericks? One of my biggest problems in posting limericks is that I have thousands of them available but in most cases they are extremely difficult to categorize. I made the ultimate sacrifice recently and forced myself to read hundreds of limericks and to try and establish some sort of categories. Todays post will include limericks concerning Sex Substitutes. These will be copied directly from my collections with rather blunt, off-color, and the occasional appropriate profanity. These will be rated “R”, so keep the youngsters away. Lets get rolling . . .
I hate to admit it but I seem to have had a life-long addictive personality disorder. For more than fifteen years I was dangerously addicted to cigarettes and it took a fast ride to a hospital in an ambulance to convince me to stop smoking once and for all. Over the intervening years I developed minor addictions to marijuana, Scotch whiskey, potato chips, ice cream, and a dozen other small unimportant matters. I thought after all of my many years I had finally won the battle against worthless and annoying addictions but once again I was wrong. Since retirement I’ve discovered two of my newest and bothersome addictions: Amazon and The Internet.
If your not as mobile as you once were (due to old age) as I am currently, the Internet is eye opening in its wide range of idiots, morons, scammers and its endless supply of bullshit artists to keep me occupied for the foreseeable future. My window on the world is very small now and truly annoying but it’s all I have. My better-half has joined the ranks of the addicted and spends a lot of her time researching endless gardening information sites and searching for odd and strange recipes to make my dining a real adventure.
We live in an area that requires us to take special steps just to have just a working cell phone and Internet connection. Without that connection we’d have no television, no Internet, and no W-Fi. Since GPS doesn’t work very well in this area either I hope I never have a life threatening emergency. If I do I will die a really pissed off customer. Unfortunately an incident occurred earlier this week that started another round of craziness when we lost all Internet and Wi-Fi signals. My better-half found it necessary to drive our car for two miles to get a usable wi-fi signal, and then spent a half hour trying to find a human being to talk with about our continuing problem. All of these company computers and personnel still can’t seem to ever answer our most important question “Why isn’t this damn system working?”. When it was all said and done we had to wait two more hours for a repairman to show up at our home. They had us checking OUR equipment because their computer assured them that everything was operational on their end. They still forgot that one important thing again: WHY WE STILL DIDN’T HAVE ANY DAMN INTERNET, NO DAMN WIFI, AND NO DAMN TELEPHONE SERVICE. I suggested to the repairman that maybe it was their equipment and not ours.
Frustrating, YOU BET. Come to find out we’d been given a low level (cheap) modem when we began their service contract a year ago and that modem was apparently faulty. All of our troubles magically disappeared a few minutes later when the repairman plugged in a newer and updated modem. Here’s the kicker. As I watched all of my equipment humming along and finally running fine and saw that Internet entry screen reappear, I found my face a little flushed, had a huge rush of adrenaline, and a strange tingling all over my body. It was my introduction to my latest and scariest addiction ever – computer driven orgasms. Now I can have an illicit affair with my hardrive whenever I want or need to. Isn’t technology wonderful? LOL
I did a lot of reminiscing today as I was leafing through many old files and folders from my early years a a police officer. As I reviewed these documents I was truly amazed just how much paperwork I still retained from those “good old days”. I found a few things that were really old but still really funny. The following statements were supplied to actual police officer’s and were copied directly from their official accident reports. As always the truth is stranger than fiction.
WOMEN
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“A invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and then vanished.”
“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
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MEN
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“A truck backed into my windshield into my wife’s face.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.”
“When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”
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Welcome to the OMG club. Now you’ve heard it all too.
I’m feeling a little calmer and relaxed after resolving all of my recent computer woes. What better way to begin another week than with a few limericks from one of my favorite limerick writers, John Ciardi. He was renowned far and wide for his limerick wars with Isaac Azimov. Enjoy some of his work.
I wasn’t sure I’d be posting today since my best and fastest computer stopped cooperating a few days ago. With the assistance of my better-half, some written instructions from my nephew (who built it), and three or four thousand juicy curse words, I’m once again operational. A tip for those of you who may have computer issues of your own: RULE 1 – do not drink shots of whiskey while attempting to relocate and adjust tiny little switches in the computer. It slows down the progress immensely. Along with that my better-half found out just how skilled I was at stringing those curse words together. Her training continues. LOL Todays post is titled BIZARRE for a reason.
Katherine Hepburn suffered from a phobia of dirty hair. When she was shooting films for Twentieth Century Fox, she would sniff the heads of cast and crew to make sure their hair was squeaky clean.
In Vermont it is illegal to whistle underwater.
Pennsylvania law books record a 1971 case of a man suing Satan – for his own bad luck and downfall. The case was thrown out of court on the grounds that Satan did not live in the state of Pennsylvania.
Don’t ever fall asleep in a bath tub in Detroit. You could be arrested because sleeping in bathtubs is illegal in the city.
“You have to be saved to get into heaven . . . you only have to be you to get into hell.” Marilyn Manson
In the ancient city of Jericho the dead were buried under the houses they lived in. But first their heads were severed, covered with plaster and clay, and decorated for their families to worship.
Catherine, wife of Russian czar Peter I, had a wandering eye, and Peter caught on. To teach Catherine a lesson, he forced her to watch her lover be killed, then pickled the lover’s head and kept it in their bedroom.
In the 17th century, midwives had a custom of saving a woman’s afterbirth, or placenta, and then burning it. The superstition was that the number of times the burning placenta popped indicated the number of children the mother could expect in the future.
For decades sports stars have claimed that appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine was the fastest way to a slump or defeat.
When John Madden was the coach of the Oakland Raiders football team, he wouldn’t let the team leave the locker room until running back Mark van Eeghen had belched.
Are you an animal lover? I imagine most of us love and appreciate our pets and make them part of the family. Other folks love animals just as much, if not more, but that is based entirely on their favorite meat cuts and flavor. Todays post will give you a few facts you might not have heard before Enjoy!
In the last three thousand years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Scientist have discovered that chickens egg output increases when pop music is played in their roost.
A pelican can hold approximately 25 pounds of fish in it’s pouch.
The first fish in space was a South American guppy in 1976.
Iguanas, koalas and Komodo dragons all have two penises.
Armadillos and humans are the only animals that can get leprosy.
Camels milk is the only milk that doesn’t curdle when boiled.
Jackals have one more pair of chromosomes than dogs or wolves.
No one knows why a ducks quack doesn’t echo.
Rhino’s belong to the same family as horses and were thought to have inspired the myth of the unicorn.
With the Fourth of July behind us it’s time to move on down the road. I realized recently that with the World Cup invading America, making thousands of videos, and loving our life here, I began to see things about them more clearly than ever before. Since I’ve been impressed with them, now it’s time for you to impress yourselves with a World Trivia Quiz. This is how I celebrate the Fourth. as always the answers will be listed below.
What are the natives of Monaco called?
What is the mussiest river in the world?
Where was St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, born?
On what island are one-third of the world’s languages spoken?
American children get their Easter eggs from the Easter Bunny. Who delivers Easter eggs to Swiss youngsters?
Serendip was the early name for Ceylon. What is it now called?
What was the name of the pug who shared it’s bed with Napoleon and Josephine?
Where is the large iron key to the Bastille – that notorious French prison – kept today?
What river is the only one that flows both north and south of the equator?
What country, after the USA, has the world’s greatest number of tornados?
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The Answers
Monegasques, The Yellow River in China, Scotland, New Guinea with 700 native languages, The Easter Cuckoo, Sri Lanka, Fortune, George Washington’s home at Mt. Vernon, The Congo – it crosses the equator twice, Australia.
It’s almost too effing hot to do anything. I’m hiding in the man-cave with the fans roaring and it sounds more like an airport runway than a man-cave. It’s as good a day as any to post more of my favorite things: limericks. I normally post limericks by category but not today. Here are a few chosen totally at random from the archives.
“Today is the start of another new month and believe me when I tell you that they’ll keep coming faster and faster as you age. I’ve made the decision recently to once again reduce this blog to posting only twice a week instead of the current three days (Tuesdays, Thursdays & Saturdays). It makes sense going forward for me to begin posting only on Tuesdays and Thursdays because the readership during the summer months is substantially reduced. If things improve in the Fall and I’m sure they will, I’ll probably reconsider my decision. That being said I hope you all have a pleasant and happy summer.”
Now on to todays post. This post is primarily for those of you who either have or have contact with young children. These questions were compiled by a large group of highly educated professionals. They’re not a right or wrong kind of quiz but one that will certainly spark some interesting conversations. This first installment will give you ten questions to work with. Future installments will continue until we’ve reviewed all 268. Have fun reviewing them with the kids and hopefully you’ll both learn a few things about each other.
If you ruled the world and could have anything you wanted, and people would do anything you wanted, do you think you’d get greedy and mean or be good and fair?
Do you think boys or girls have it easier?
If your mother promised to be home at 2:00 in the afternoon to take you to the movies but didn’t show up until suppertime and didn’t even phone, what would be a good punishment for her? Would punishing her be likely to make her on time in the future?
If all of your best friends were wiling to be absolutely honest and tell you exactly what they liked and disliked about you, would you want them to?
Would you rather have a strict teacher who was fair and taught you a lot or one who was relaxed and fun but didn’t teach you much?
One day your father gets a really weird idea and dyes his hair green and puts a ring through his nose. Knowing everyone would be looking at him and snickering, would you go shopping with him if he wanted your company?
When you make a mistake, do you make up excuses? If so, do you think people believe you?
If you could have a round-trip in a time machine and travel any distance into the past or the future, where would you want to go?
If a friend had an important secret and didn’t want other people to learn about it, would telling you the secret be a big mistake?
If your parents were worried about a serious problem that had nothing to do with you directly, would you want them to tell you about it or would you rather not know?
Well, there you have the first ten questions. I hope they’ll help you help the children to learn about themselves.
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