Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag

10/06/2022 “Sporty Limericks   Leave a comment

I woke up at 4:45 am today and it’s still cold and miserable outside. It’s been raining for a day and a half and I hate it. I made the decision to stay in bed under my warm electric blanket and to watch one of my favorite movies, The Godfather. There’s nothing like an couple hours of senseless violence, mayhem and the occasional murder or two to get your day started. I then caught up on the days sport scores so as not to be totally uninformed. My coffee was hot but unfortunately none of my hometown teams (Pittsburgh) were. I’ve been wanting to post a few limericks this week and I’ve also got sports on my mind. What’s better than a few sporty limericks to kick off this crappy day.

*****

A batter, named Fatty McPhatter,

Had the gift of the gab with his patter.

“Whichever pitch comes,

I hit only home runs,

So the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter.

*****

I used to shout The Yankees were playing the Mets

On a million home TV sets.

“A team from New York

Will be walking the walk!”

Said an analyst (hedging his bets)

*****

A golfer tries hard to survive,

With grit, dedication and drive.

“Inflation,” he’ll claim

“is affecting my game,

I used to shout ‘fore’, now it’s ‘five’.

*****

I’m giving the next pitch a bunt

Just a couple of inches in front.

So the boy on each base

Will all move round one base,

It’s a very unpopular stunt!

*****

I’VE STRUCK OUT

10/05/2022 Miscellaneous   Leave a comment

๐Ÿคก๐Ÿคก๐Ÿคก๐Ÿคก๐Ÿคก๐Ÿคก

It seems that this cold snap and the end of Summer is having a bad effect on almost everyone. So, for all you grumpy and pissed off people let me amuse you with a few really stupid newspaper headlines. They might just force some of you to smile.

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACE

CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR GARDEN USE

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

BLIND WOMEN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN’T SEEN IN YEARS

MAN, SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

COURT RULES BOXER SHORTS ARE INDEED UNDERWEAR

BITING NALS CAN BE A SIGN OF TENSENESS IN A PERSON

CHILDS DEATH RUINS COUPLE’S HOLIDAY

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค

Cheer up people. Things could be much worse.

There’s only 81 shopping days left to Christmas.

10/02/2022 “Toilet History”   Leave a comment

Always wishing to keep this blog interesting I decided that a short review of the “toilet” needs to be told. It’s an important part of our everyday lives but very few people care to hear anything about it. I’ll do the best I can with the information I’ve been able to find.

  • Before the invention of toilet paper, people use shells or stones, bunches of herbs or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.
  • A Victorian plumber, Thomas Crapper, perfected the system we all use today. The siphon flush which by drawing water uphill through a sealed cistern is both effective and hygienic.
  • In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood. The well-to-do set on mahogany or walnut, while the poor put up with untreated white pine.
  • The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention. The Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.
  • The first toilet air freshener was a pomegranate stuffed with cloves.

  • American civil servants’ paychecks are recycled to make toilet rolls.
  • The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.
  • The movie Psycho was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing – thereby generating many complaints.
  • Julia Roberts was once asked for an autograph while she was on the john. She said, ” I’m the tiniest bit busy.”
  • Actor Jack Nicholson has a dead rattlesnake embedded in the clear plastic seat of his toilet.

And one last quote from a member of British royalty. “The biggest waste of water in the country by far. You spend half a pint and flush 2 gallons.”(Prince Philip in a 1965 speech)

NEVER FORGET THE COURTESY FLUSH

10/01/2022 Do You Want to be a Celebrity?   1 comment

I’m not much of a follower of all things Hollywood but like it or not some information makes its way to me regardless. Only a few days ago I made the mistake of roaming around on Facebook. To my surprise there was a lengthy posting about female celebrities without makeup. If you think horror flicks are the scariest thing ever, you’d be wrong. There were more than a few rather famous female stars that I’ve lusted over in the past, but Facebook has ruined that forever. It still gives me cold chills if I think about it for too long. I’m not an innocent and naive blushing bride by any means. I realize that Hollywood takes its job seriously when recreating a regular human being into a “STAR”. That process requires many stars to change their names. Here are a few interesting samples which are self-explanatory.

Elton John -Reginald Dwight

Joan Rivers – Joan Molinsky

James Garner – James Baumgarner

Barry Manilow – Barry Pincus

Spike Lee – Shelton Lee

Snoop Dogg – Cordozar Broadus

Tina Turner -Annie Mae Bullock

Winona Ryder – Winona Horowitz

Sting – Gordon Summer

Stevie Wonder – Steveland Judkins

I’m now seriously thinking about changing my name. I’ve always felt that my name was as boring as it gets but picking a new one is really difficult. If I were to be a porn-star I’d probably go for I.M Lancelot, but since I’m just a normal boring person I would need something spectacular to catch everyone’s attention.

I’M CONSIDERING “ELVIS MONROE”

09/30/2022 “Fall”   1 comment

With September already over and cold temperatures beginning, it’s time to have some fun before the snow starts flying. With the holidays approaching I thought I’d publish a revised version of the Worker’s Prayer. This is posted for all of those people (my better-half included) that are stuck in thankless retail jobs across the country.

The Worker’s Prayer

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off, and also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.”

And just for the hell of it I decided to author a haiku as requested by a friend. Here it is.

โค๏ธ

The sky is so blue

A dot of sunshine yellow.

Forget me never.

T.G.I.F.

09/29/2022 ๐ŸŽ‡Kid’s Limericks๐ŸŽ‡   Leave a comment

Here are a few cute limericks, some are written by kids and others written for kids. I hope you enjoy them.

By Colin McNaughton

Should a beast ever hunt you and find you,

He’d certainly crush you and grind you.

But here’s nothing to fear,

There are none around here,

GOOD HEAVENS! THERE’S ONE

RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

By Reg Lynes

I’ve eaten as much as I can,

I cannot digest one more gram.

I’m leaving the chips,

And the salady bits,

And the peas, and the eggs, and the ham.

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

By Margaret Brace

Archeologists dig at their leisure,

And it gives them a great deal of pleasure,

Not to mention bad backs,

As they fill up their sacks

With all sorts of muddy old treasure.

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

By Amanda Chew

There was a young cannibal, Ned,

Who used to eat onions in bed.

His mother said “Sonny,

It’s not very funny –

Why don’t you just eat people instead?”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

09/26/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅSilly Limerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

Once again, it’s time for a few lighthearted limericks rather than the bawdier ones we’re used to. I’ll reference the author when possible.

By Frank Jacobs

A lion whose manners weren’t nice

Played Monopoly with two white mice.

After losing, he roared,

Then devoured the board,

Marvin Gardens, both mice and the dice.

๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹

By Oliver Herford

Once a grasshopper (food being scant)

Begged an ant some assistance to grant.

But the ant shook his head

“I can’t help you,” he said,

“It’s an uncle you need, not an ant.

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

By Anon

A barber who lived in Batavia

Was known for his fearless behavia.

When a giant brown bear

Took a seat in his chair,

Said the barber, “No way will I shavia.”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

By Gelett Burgess

I’d rather have fingers than toes.

I’d rather have ears than a nose.

And as for my hair,

I’m glad it’s still there,

I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.

๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿฉ

HAPPY MONDAY

09/25/2022 “Miscellaneous Truths”   Leave a comment

The truth is sometimes strange and at other times ridiculous. These factoids are a little of both. They’re good for making a few bucks at bar bets on trivia night.

  • The term ” soap opera” comes from the fact that shows used to work advertisements for soap powder into the plot lines.
  • A champagne cork flying out of a bottle can travel as fast as 100 miles per hour.
  • People who fear the number 666 suffer from hexakaosioihexekontahexaphobia.
  • On November 21, 1980, 83 million Americans tuned in to watch the finale of the Dallas cliffhanger “Who Shot J.R.?” A few weeks earlier, 85.1 million Americans voted in the Reagan-Carter presidential election.
  • During a 60-year life span, an average tree will produce nearly 2 tons of leaves to be raked.

  • Dancing the tango was considered a sin in Paris during the early 1900s.
  • Those roped off areas where boxing matches take place actually used to be round, hence the term “boxing ring”.
  • Pope John XXI (1276-01277) had been in office less than a year before the ceiling on a new wing of his palace collapsed on him while he slept. He died six days later.
  • Nearly 4% of American women claim that they never wear underwear.
  • The Pentagon goes through more than 600 rolls of toilet paper every day.

TOO WEIRD TO BELIEVE? . . . WELL, BELIVE IT ANYWAY

Quote of the Day

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just

don’t have as many people who believe it.”

George Carlin

09/24/2022 “Epithets”   Leave a comment

As I’ve stated many times in the past, I’ve always had a fascination with graveyards and cemeteries. With that thought in mind, here are a few of my favorite humorous epithets. It’s good to have a sense of humor even after death.

From Enosburg, Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ

From Bayfield, Mississippi

Stranger pause. my tale attend,

And learn the cause of Hannah’s end.

Across the world the wind did blow,

She ketched a cold that laid her low.

We shed a lot of tears ’tis true,

But life is short – aged 82.

โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ

From Medway, Massachusetts

Beneath this stone, this lump of clay,

Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,

Who too early in the month of May

Took off his winter flannels.

โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ

From Canterbury, Kent, England

Of children in all she bore twenty-four:

Thank the Lord there will be no more.

โ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธโ˜ ๏ธ

From Chelmsford, Essex, England

Herer lies the man Richard,

And Mary his wife.

Their surname was Pritchard,

They lived without strife.

And the reason was plain,

They abounded in riches,

They had no care or pain,

And his wife wore the breeches.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOURS YET?

09/23/2022 “The Media”   Leave a comment

Over the years and after many mergers the Mainstream Media has become an arm of the corporations that seem to have their fingers into everything. It’s become painfully clear that many media types have become TV stars in their own right. You would think that those under public scrutiny would be more careful than most about the articles and headlines they post or print. I guess that folks who control what we see and read could at times be less than careful. To prove my point read these wonderfully lame and stupid headlines that made their way through writers and editors to amuse and annoy the rest of us.

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency

Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us

Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty

This kind of carelessness is unbelievable. Lots of people are being paid lots of money to create these ridiculous headlines. Hopefully going forward the newspapers and websites will at least make some effort to stop the madness.

DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH

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