11-02-2012   4 comments

Did you ever have one of those days where no matter what you tried to do, it just had no pizazz.  That’s today for me unfortunately.  It’s gray, dreary, and just cold enough to force me into wearing my winter apparel.  Then I walk outside, take about twenty steps and all of a sudden I’ve sweated through my shirt. Then off comes the jacket and once again I’m freezing my ass off.  It’s simply a no win situation with the cold or flu lurking in my near future. My decision is to be as lazy as possible and not work up a sweat of any kind.

I love the fall but it does have certain drawbacks.  They are called LEAVES.  I love Mother Nature and I love living in a rural wooded area but OMG the effing leaves.  For years I’ve raked those bastard leaves into piles large enough to hide my car behind.  Then I get to rake them again onto a huge tarp and attempt to drag them into the nearby woods.  Saying that raking leaves sucks just doesn’t cover it.

A few years ago I lived in an area where burning leaves wasn’t permitted and most people were required to bag them and set them at the curb.  If I did that now it would cost me  a freaking fortune for bags and a week to fill them and stack them along the road.  The town would be obliged to bring their entire fleet of trucks to cart them away and then later try in their slick governmental way to make me pay a fee.  It’s just one of the few things governments do really well.  They love to interfere with your life whenever possible and then work extremely hard to take money from you.

I decided this year I would win the battle with Mother Nature by becoming mechanized.  I made the grand purchase of a riding mower with a grass collector figuring it would also be a great leaf cleaner-upper. Wrong again.  It turned out to be a hugely expensive, red, leaf blower.  For every leaf it sucked up, it threw three hundred into the air where Mother Nature could redistribute them around the yard.  After my fourth pass, becoming more pissed off with each pass, I parked that mother and went inside for a cup of coffee.

After a half hour of quiet meditation to lower my blood pressure, I had another cup of my terrible coffee, and also an epiphany.  A leaf solution came to me out of the blue and as always it was perfectly simple.  All I had to do was pray for a week of high winds and  rain storms that would blow most of the leaves into my neighbors yard.  Any that were left after that would be allowed to stay right where they are until Spring. Problem solved!

So I’m off to visit my better-half who is happily slaving away for “The Man”.  I think I can convince her in my charming way  to eat some Chinese food for lunch and if I’m lucky she’ll get to pay the tab too.  Things are looking up and screw the freaking leaves.

Posted November 4, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Useless Crap

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4 responses to “11-02-2012

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  1. Reminds us about the huge trees back in Sydney. Every second year our trees will lose their barks, and they are everywhere. The gum trees. They look beautiful but not their leaves when fall is coming…

  2. The Bush administration is responsible for the leaves!

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