12-21-2012   2 comments

Three more shopping days till Christmas. With that in mind I’d like to explain a few unforeseen consequences of living in Maine at this time of the year.  This state teems with thousands of great white hunters who like nothing better than combing the woods in an attempt to kill something and eat it.  As you can tell, I’m no hunter.  I was born and raised in an area much like Maine, western Pennsylvania, where hunting is considered something of a religious experience.  Most of my family were hunters and the king of all hunting was my father. Thank God for my nephew who took my place at an early age to accompany my dad on his hunting forays.  I could never see the point since the taste of wild game just didn’t appeal to me.

At this time of the year the exchange of gifts is a tradition but in Maine it takes an unusual turn. Some of our more common Christmas gifts are cheese logs, meat logs, and moose logs. Nothing says Christmas like a twenty pound package of moose meat or squirrel filets but it still creeps me out just talking about them.  A few weeks ago in an attempt to find other unique and delicious Maine specialties, I instead found these.

Beaver Butt Pie

All that you’ll need to get started with this nutritious and holiday related meal is a big fat beaver willing to give up his paddle and his innards. Simply lay the beaver paddle on the bottom of a pie shell, cover it with the preheated and stinky  innards, sprinkle some brown sugar on top,  and bake in an preheated oven at 350-degrees for 45 minutes. Add some fragrant pine fronds and a nice red Christmas ribbon and there you go. Ready for the family table.

Teriyaki Marinated Moose Lips

What could be more festive than cooking a bag of moose lips on the grill with a light snow falling in the moonlight.  All you need to prepare moose lips are a dozen pair of lips, ordered from Amazon, two quarts of teriyaki sauce, and a hot and ready grill. Roast and season to taste.  It’s a  Christmassy lip-smacking snack to munch on as you watch the annual showing of “A Christmas Story”.

Coyote Sauce

Imported Maine coyote is a local delicacy but available now through internet sites for a pittance. If your outdoorsy all you need is a .22 rifle, a little patience, and BANG. Add a little gelatin to the broth that you cooked the coyote in and Well-La, the perfect addition to a Christmas turkey dinner as a side dish to replace cranberry sauce.

I know your mouths must be watering after reading and picturing these Maine delicacies but never fear, maybe next year some of our northernmost citizens will make all of these meals available through mail order for you to enjoy with your loved ones.  You may not be able to visit Maine but we can bring the true Maine holiday spirit right to your door for a modest price.  It’s only right that we share our overabundance of critters with as many people as possible.  Also, we can use the money.

Bon Appetite  and Merry Christmas

(Sarcasm Off)

Posted December 22, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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2 responses to “12-21-2012

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  1. Hello in there John……

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