05-19-2013   4 comments

I’ve been very critical over the years with people spending their entire lives trying to become famous.  That relentless search for their fifteen minutes of fame becomes an obsession and usually causes them more problems than actual fame in it’s pursuit. To our society becoming famous or even knowing someone famous is all that’s important.

Reality shows have given a great many people their fifteen minutes and in most cases we all regret it.  The Jersey Shore, Swamp People, Teen Moms, just to mention a few.  These people acquired fame and fortune for no apparent good reason.  They’re just a by-product of our obsession with anything that can be sensationalized or celebrity related.

I’ve never been someone who searched out fame or notoriety but now I’m thinking I might have missed the boat.  I decided to do a little research into how I could become famous.  On a website I won’t mention I found this top ten list of things to do to become famous.  I tried working my way through the list but I had many difficulties and it now appears that fame and fortune will continue to elude me.  Here’s what I found.

Make a Sex Tape – I really gave this my best efforts but something seemed to be missing.  Finding a partner to make the tape became the entire issue. Finally I discovered a local homeless women who would do anything for food.  We made the tape and sent it out to the media.  They all were returned unopened and the cost for my treatment of this STD was enormous.

Get Your Own Reality Show – I couldn’t find anyone interested in the life and times of a retiree.  I was told to call them back if I ever fathered a child with anyone under the age of sixteen.  I could then be a spin off of Teen Moms but only if I had an accompanying physical deformity.

Date Someone Famous – I wrote really intimate and interesting letters to my top twenty celebrities begging for some quality time and a few photo ops to get the attention of the paparazzi.  I received back twenty attorney letters threatening protection orders if I didn’t desist.

Release a Pop Single – This may have been the worst day of my life.  I discovered that my ability to RAP was limited and that most promoters thought I was way too old and way too white.

Go to Rehab -  I checked myself into rehab.  Rehab in Maine is inexpensive.  My addiction to potato chips just wasn’t juicy enough to make the nightly news.

Claim to Be a Bisexual – I made this claim but for it to be taken seriously I needed a partner.  I was turned down so many times I began to feel really bad about myself.  I may be forced into therapy because my delicate ego was severely bruised.

Find Some Famous Friends – The only people I know who are famous are incarcerated in some of Maine’s finest jails.  I interviewed thousands of criminals over the years and now they’re lining up to be my buddy.

Weight Loss – I’ve been trying to accomplish weight loss for years.  It’s never worked very well before so I don’t anticipate it improving now.  I was asked to leave the building at Jenny Craig because I just wasn’t famous enough or pretty enough to appear in their commercials.  I wasn’t happy being slammed for my lack of fame but everyone knows I’m pretty enough.

Get or Remove a Tattoo – This was a total waste of my time. My better-half made it abundantly clear that no additional tattoo’s were permitted and we certainly weren’t going to spend our hard earned money to remove any.

Sell Your Wedding or Baby Pictures – I tried selling my pictures but I had no takers.  Every media outlet returned them with some less than flattering comments.  Even members of my own family sent them back with a "No Thanks" note attached.

I guess I’m screwed.  No fame or fortune in my future.  No photos with the Kardasian’s, no paparazzi chasing me around, no quality time with Lindsey Lohan or dates with her mother.  My life sucks.

4 responses to “05-19-2013

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  1. Haha! Aw shucks…so much for being famous. 😉
    Another thing that works is just being stupid. Seems to be the theme among all those reality tv stars…

  2. I think your best chance is to buy a Power Ball ticket….something like 1 in 175,000,000! If you win not only will you be famous but all your relatives will come to live with you and tell you how great you are.

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