09/01/2021 The Hair Wars   Leave a comment

Today I’m concentrating on hair. Not the lack of it but the overall abundance of it. I discovered as I aged with the help of certain women that hair is almost as important to them as penis size. The trends these days for men seem to be the metrosexual look, the less hair the better except of course for the hair on the head.

As I began to lose my hair a few years back I was actually traumatized by it for a while. As the hair slowly faded away a strange thing happened, I felt an odd freedom. I swore then and there I would never become that guy with a bald head and a fringe around the bottom. When the time came I didn’t hesitate to rid myself of all my head hair once and for all. No more freaking haircuts, no more hair products, and no more competing with other men for style points. I thought I was home free from hair issues but once again I was wrong.

This isn’t me . . just so you know.

Soon I met and fell head-over-heels for Miss Right. After dating for months she informed me in no uncertain terms that I had way too much hair everywhere on my body. Trust me, I’m not a very hairy guy and I thought at first she was just messing with me. I found out later she wasn’t. My ear hair was found to be too untidy and too long. My eyebrows were too bushy and too unkempt. Hair on my chest and arms needed constant trimming and I wouldn’t even mention the pubic hair discussions we had.

It became a day-to-day battle between us because the constant inspections were making my hands all sweaty. I felt like I was back in the Army. Then came the night of too much drinking, too much laughing, and too much schnapps. While under the influence of alcohol I agreed to certain hair removal requests and told her I would take care of the hair maintenance issues in the morning. And then went to bed and fell into what was a deep alcohol-induced dream-state. Upon waking in the morning I discovered that while I was dreaming she had been clipping. I was brought into the 21st century, hairless, with a whimper and not a bang.

The battle continues to this day and I have long since regrown most of the missing hair she removed that night. I did manage one act of defiance in an attempt to regain possession of my testicles. I grew a mustache and beard just to mess with her. The daily inspections continue and I guess I’ve adjusted to them as best I can. Her inspection routine was recently updated and now includes the beard and mustache, so I guess I really haven’t made much headway in the hair wars after all.

And neither is this.

I was shopping recently and observed a rather lovely young lady with three times as much hair on her arms and legs as I have. She was also showing some little dark puffs peeking out from her armpits. Maybe I’ll finally be safe if the current trends are shifting back to the 1800’s. Then my better-half will be buying me gallons and gallons of Rogaine to spread all over my long and beautiful body. I can’t wait.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE STRANGE EVEN ON THE GOOD DAYS

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