Archive for the ‘sarcasm’ Tag

07-19-2017 Presidential Thoughts and Other C.R.A.P   2 comments

Now that Mr. Trump has been elected it’s been a real treat watching the Liberals and Mainstream Media losing their minds.  The truth about media bias is no longer the big secret it once was except for those of us who have been paying attention for years. I thought after a few months of this nonsense it would gradually ease up but it hasn’t. They continue to chew on that dried up old bone until their brains explode. I’m a patient guy who will gladly wait around to watch their continuous escapades to strike out at Mr. Trump with little or no success.

This next item was sent to me by a friend. The first line is a the Medias lame attempt to belittle the President as being nothing more than a former reality television star.  The fact that he is also a billionaire real estate developer is never mentioned.

Senator (To Be) Caitlyn Jenner

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Caitlyn Jenner has joined the list of celebrities who are considering running for political office in the United States following the election of former reality television star Donald Trump as president. 

The remainder of the article concerned a short list of celebrities just dying to enter the political arena to teach the rest of us mouth-breathers just how things are supposed to be done.  I say let them try.  If we can have Obama for eight years and survive, we can live with Senator Caitlyn Bruce Jenner,  Senator Kid Rock, or God forbid, President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Just more humorous shit to enjoy as the country slowly slides towards some sort of Third-World status. Maybe we could start a new type of NATO organization to help keep us safe from our enemies. It could be called CRAP, the Cluster of Real Arab Pals.  We could take a firm stand against Europe, China, and Russia with our new allies  Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Syria, and Saudi Arabia. We could sit around the meeting table and try desperately to convince each other what a bunch of bad asses we once were and how we will eventually rule the world.  It’s much too depressing to contemplate.

I’m trying my hardest to not get into a rant about all of this but it isn’t easy. Let me calm down some and pass along a humorous joke sent my way recently from a friend in Kansas City.  Here it is:

I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me. I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?” The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

“THIS POSTING HAS BEEN APPROVED BY C.R.A.P.

 

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07-29-2016 Journal – Sleeping Naked?!   Leave a comment

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I mentioned in a previous post that I was looking forward to a few days vacation while my better-half was babysitting at her daughter’s home.  It’s coming to an end today and while I’ve missed her terribly my sleep has been much improved.  I actually slept for a full eight hours last night for the first time in months.  Add that together with a large bed, a beautiful ceiling fan, and my naked butt . . . it was glorious.

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This is sleeping OMFG naked.

I take a look of heat from my better-half because I insist on sleeping naked. Since leaving home at age eighteen and except for two years in the Army this is my preferred method of sleeping.  I’m confused as to why so many people roll their eyes when I tell them that.  Are they prudes?  Are they religiously offended? Who knows.  One thing for sure I will defended myself vigorously if someone decides to ridicule me.

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I first have to determine exactly where they’re coming from before I retaliate.  Do they object to the word NAKED or the fact that I’m really bare assed naked in bed. I like for critics to be specific to avoid confusing me because there is a term that’s overused in some areas of the country that is similar but has a totally different meaning. That word is NEKID!  Sleeping nekid means something very different than sleeping naked.  Being nekid means there won’t be much sleeping going on and the nekid person is there to take care of business (if you get my drift).

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Who knew Harry and Draco slept nekid?

Upon her return to our bed tonight I will greet her very, very naked with serious thoughts of becoming nekid at some point.  For you critics out there don’t be afraid to think outside-the-box (no pun intended) for a change. You won’t regret it.

WELCOME HOME BABY!

06-21-2016 Journal – June Garden Update!   Leave a comment

It appears that summer is finally decided to arrive. We having much warmer weather during the day and at night and it shows. The garden has really taken off in the last week and things are looking up except for the ghost peppers which aren’t doing well at all. They seem to need hot days and hot nights with a lot of sun to flourish and they’re certainly not finding that here in Maine.  I don’t expect much production from the ghost peppers this year and I’ve pretty much decided to try them one more time next year but in a different way. I intend to plant them either in a cold framework or I’ll build a small greenhouse to try and keep the temperature is high as possible for as long as possible. If that doesn’t work then I’ll give up on ghost peppers entirely and just buy them online. Here are a few shots of the garden taken this morning.

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 The better-half’s flower gardens are also in bloom almost everywhere on the property. This could possibly  be the best year we’ve ever had with a diversity of colors that is amazing.

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We also had a special occasion last night. We harvested the first of the lettuces for this year and they were a perfect addition to our evening meal.

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That’s all for today.  I’m having serious computer issues that need fixing and I hope I’m successful. Microsoft is making my life miserable once again and as usual they’re not much help.

04-08-2016 Journal–Who Doesn’t Love Shopping?   Leave a comment

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After yesterdays shopping trip with my better-half I’m sitting here this morning trying to figure out exactly what kind of positive benefits I might have reaped from it as well as any negatives.  The trip was relatively short compared to her usual shopping forays so I was forced to sit and read my Kindle at only three locations. Fortunately for me they were all in the Mall and out of the weather.

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The positives.

Positive #1 – I sat an hour or so in the Mall out of the rain and cold weather.

Positive #2 – I had a free hour of reading time.

Positive #3 – I made my better-half happy by accompanying her.

Positive #4 – I was out of the house.

Positive #5 – I was able to continue my detailed study of black leggings and the effect they have on me when worn by skinny, well built, chubby, and the occasional obese woman.

Positive #6 – The good feelings that are generated by all those black leggings on the really well-built women.

Positive #7 – We ate a really delicious luncheon meal at Uno’s and:

Positive #8 – Our well-built waitress was wearing black leggings (that were even better than any dessert).

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Now let’s move on to the negatives.

Negative #1 – I was forced to go out in the rain and cold weather to sit in an effing Mall.

Negative #2 – I wasted an hour of my precious time trying to read my Kindle in a crowded and annoying Mall.

Negative #3 – I remained silent and refused to voice my displeasure so not as to upset my better-half.

Negative #4 – I was taken to the Mall when my time could have been better spent at home with my X-Box.

Negative #5 – I was continuously distracted by a steady stream of women wearing black leggings.

Negative #6 – With all the hormones flying around because of the black leggings I was forced to remain seated the entire time (I hope you get my drift here).

Negative  #7 – Eating out requires that I pay for a meal that I could have made at home for a fraction of the cost.

Negative #8 – Our waitress was way too efficient making numerous trips to our table to distract me from conversations with my better-half (it was those damn black leggings she was wearing).

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Since the negatives cancelled out the positives I suppose you could say we had a reasonable day.  Not outstanding but not terrible either. If it wasn’t for my better-half and all of those black leggings it could have been much less enjoyable.  It’s amazing to me how our excellent relationship has developed over the years due to those thousands of little inconsequential compromises we make. Only one thing could have made our day better and close to absolute perfection.

MY BETTER-HALF NEEDS  TO BUY A FEW PAIRS OF BLACK LEGGINGS !!

Critical Disclaimer: Darling this entire post was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. You’ll just have to compromise a bit for all of the sarcasm.

02-20-2016 Odd Presidential Facts!   Leave a comment

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I decided to step away from a journal entry today and offer up some unusual tidbits of presidential trivia.  Since the political winds are once again beginning to blow I thought it might interest some of you. This information has been chosen at random and I’m not picking on any one party. To be sure, there’s enough useless information coming out of both parties to make everyone happy.  Here we go. . .

  • Edith Wilson, the wife of Woodrow Wilson, often rode a bicycle in the corridors of the White House.
  • Richard M. Nixon  once worked as a carnival barker.
  • Thomas Jefferson had a pet mockingbird that followed him upstairs to bed every night.
  • First Lady Abigail Adams, wife of John Adams, used to hang laundry in the White House East Room to dry.
  • David Rice Atchison, a state senator from Missouri (1843-1855), was President of the United States for one day.

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Who knew we had a president for just one day?  I can think of quite a few others I would have loved to have for only one day.

  • Calvin Coolidge, President from 1923 to 929, was the last President to write his own speeches.
  • President Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital.
  • Ronald Reagan received over seventy-five thousand gifts, including three hundred seventy-two belt buckles, a dog house, a six foot long pencil, and a four-square-foot portrait made out of ten thousand jelly beans.
  • When Zachary Taylor became President in 1849, he kept his horse “Old Whitey” on the front lawn of the White House.
  • Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested near the White House and fined twenty dollars for driving a team of horses too fast.

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I don’t doubt for a minute that Grant was probably under the influence of some unknown alcoholic beverage. That’s the same guy who once upon a time allegedly threw up on one of his officers .

  • The middle initial “S” in President Harry S. Truman’s name didn’t stand for anything.
  • John Tyler (1790-1862), 10th president, was unable to get a decent job after leaving office and worked at a village pound tending cows and horses.
  • Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), once delivered a one-hour speech in spite of being shot moments before by a would-be assassin.
  • President George H.W. Bush banned broccoli from the White House in March 1990, the California broccoli growers delivered nine tons of the vegetable to Washington.
  • President Millard Fillmore, in 1851, became the first chief executive to use a bathtub in the White House.

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Here’s a special bonus entry for JFK. He was known for a lot of questionable shenanigans but I’ll be nice and take the high road today. He was also the first President born in the twentieth century.

That should do it for today.  More to come. . .

12-06-2015 Journal– Red & Green Insanity!   Leave a comment

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‘Christmas Eve in Maine.’

How is your holiday season progressing?  Are your preparations ahead of schedule or behind? Is your Christmas tree real or artificial? Are your kids driving you crazy yet? Has your alcohol consumption increased progressively with the holiday pressures?  All really good questions but as we all know they’re rhetorical. 

The drumbeat of Christmas is getting louder each day. I go to sleep thinking about what I’ve accomplished that day and wake up thinking about all of the stuff that I still need to accomplish today.  I am so full of Christmas cheer I could scream out loud.  After rereading this paragraph I think I discovered something else I must be full of.  You get my drift, right? I’M LOSING IT MAN!

Here is my kitchen table as I found it this morning:

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Trust me when I tell you the entire living room and family room look exactly like it as well.   I’m knee deep in Christmas and there’s still 18 shopping days left. It could take us until sometime in February to repack all this stuff and I can’t wait.  At least the damn cat seems to be enjoying himself:

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I haven’t had my breakfast yet but since I can’t eat in the kitchen I may retire to the deck and eat there. That’s right, the sun is shining and it’s still warm enough to sit outside and have breakfast. It’s madness I tell you.

Even Mother Nature appears confused by the weather. I took a stroll around the property yesterday  for no other reason than to get a little sun on my pasty white body.  I found this lonely little flower in the side yard. One stupid dandelion that’s decided it’s really not December but April. I can officially say this is the latest I’ve ever seen any flower growing and blooming.

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‘The all-time dumbest flower on the planet.’

I’d like to continue on with this post but I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half. It’s time to get back to my Santa duties. Everything has to be just perfect for the grandsons when they arrive (in two and a half effing weeks). Sorry about the language but all these red and green colors are finally getting to me or maybe it’s just my requested Christmas aneurism finally showing up.

I hope someone tells Santa just what a good boy I’ve been this year. He owes me big time.

09-23-2015 Journal–Snow, Sleet, & Ice!   Leave a comment

I always seem to be talking about Winter approaching these days and with good reason.  Winter in Maine lasts at least six months but it certainly seems longer. Just two weeks ago I was sleeping under a ceiling fan for eight hours a night because it was so damn hot and humid in the house. At the time I thought that miserable hot weather would never let up.  Let me tell you, it’s let up.

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‘Ahhhh Memories’

As of last night I’m convinced Winter is much closer than I thought. The last few nights we’ve  had temperatures in the low forties which are wreaking havoc on what remains of the garden.  I was reminded early this morning when the cold air in the room jolted me awake.  Last night was the first official #5 night for my electric blanket. Unless some sort of Indian Summer happens it could mean an early arrival of the season which includes an unwelcome amount of our favorite white stuff.

Fall is probably my second favorite season of the year after early Spring.  I love the vivid colors of the foliage just like every other photographer on the planet. Maine is already known for it’s beautiful scenery along the coast and inland in the forests and around the many lakes.  Throw in millions and millions of colorful leaves and it becomes for a short time an effing paradise.

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My cameras and lenses are cleaned and ready. My snowblower’ been taken out of mothballs, gassed up, and ready to go. All that’s left for me to do is the unpacking of my unfashionable and ugly winter clothing.  It’s almost impossible to look good wearing three layers of clothing, a hat, gloves, a scarf, and big clunky boots. . . and unfortunately I’m just talking about the women. The men look even worse as they let their beards grow out and suit up with their favorite snowmobiling outfit.  There’s nothing better than hanging around an ice fishing hut with a few of your buddies telling tall tales about fishing, hunting, and sexual prowess and guzzling as much  beer as you can drink.

The never-ending number of hunting seasons always irritates me a little.  There are times when entering the woods around here to take pictures can be a life threatening situation. If you not wearing bright red or fluorescent green you could easily be mistaken for a moose, a turkey, or even a cow.  It’s a little like Vietnam out there if you throw in a few cases of beer to make things interesting. Scary doesn’t even begin to cover it.

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As you can see from my remarks, I’m neither a hunter nor a fisherman. I’ve never been all that crazy about killing helpless animals with high powered weaponry and high tech fishing paraphernalia.  I prefer to do all of my shooting with a camera. I also hate the thought of eating wild game thanks to my father who insisted I try to eat a little of everything he ever shot. Yuck!

Time to Crank up the electric blanket and hunker down for another six months of snow, sleet, and ice.  I only hope I don’t slip and fall this year and break any additional bones. Trust me, it’s happened before.

01-04-2015 Journal – Wise Ass Appreciation Day   Leave a comment

I finally feel as if my entire life has been justified and validated.  I never thought it would happen but today was the day.  I stayed up late last night snuggling warmly on my favorite chair with my Kindle.  I’ve been on a reading binge of late but decided to switch from my normal detective novels to some non-fiction.  After a thorough search of the Kindle Store I was able to download a number of books and essays that caught my eye.

Just for background purposes you should know that many many times in my life I’ve been accused of being a ‘wise ass’.  For me it stopped being something derogatory when I was still in junior high school.  It became a badge of honor at that point and I set out to be the best ‘wise ass’ I could be. It’s good to have goals, don’t you know.

I’ve always enjoyed the company of other ‘wise asses’ because we understand each other.  We all seem to be quick witted and able to crack wise at a moments notice.  It’s not as easy and glamorous as it sounds.  It takes years of hard work and dedication just to get to the level where your recognized by others after just a few minutes of conversation. 

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Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain

I also enjoyed reading as a teenager and I became hooked on anything written by Mark Twain. It became obvious very quickly that while Mark Twain could spin a tale like nobody’s business his alter ego, Samuel Clemens, was the ultimate sarcastic wise ass.  The more sarcastic and glib he became the more in demand he was.  Last night I began reading his essay on "The Decay of the Art of Lying" and it took just a few paragraphs for me to realize that I needed to give more thought to lying in general and really good lying in particular. This quote stood out in just the first paragraph:

"No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted."

Another favorite ‘wise ass’ of mine was Will Rogers. Although he died in a plane crash in Alaska in 1935 much of his writings and quotations can be found everywhere. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era, and was a top-paid Hollywood movie star at the same time.  He was another ‘wise ass’ who made it big before his untimely death. His good-old-boy approach to ridicule and humor made him funny, well liked, with a sarcasm that was dripping with honey.  He was the sort who could take you to task for something stupid you’ve done and have you laughing at yourself as he left the room.

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It’s a real shame that both of these ‘wise asses’ weren’t able to live long enough to see how our current political figures of both parties have proudly carried the art form of lying to new heights.

I’ve always been good at spinning a yarn to avoid lying but maybe I should have just blurted out the truth.  Clemens stated rather emphatically that everyone lies.  Whether it’s a little white lie or a lie of omission, it’s still a lie. We are a nation of liars.  I honestly believe I prefer things the way they are because telling the absolute truth regardless of the consequences can get nasty and unfriendly very quickly.  It makes the age old question "Does my ass look too big in this dress?" a life threatening situation.  No thank you.  Here’s one last quote from Clemens to support my position:

"None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller, but thank goodness none of us have to. A habitual truth-teller is an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed. Everybody lies-every day; every hour; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception-and purposely."

I’m an even bigger fan of Samuel Clemens and Will Rogers that I was previously.  It’s nice to see a few sarcastic ‘wise asses’ make the big time. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge them with this self-created Wise Ass Appreciation Day. Thankfully for all of us their works will live on forever.

Wise Asses – 2

The Rest of the World – 0

11-07-2014 Journal Entry–DST BS!   1 comment

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‘From the time when we believed the government knew what the hell it was doing.’

Gray, cloudy, cold, wet, Maine, Fall, Daylight Savings Time, and OMFG. The last few days have kinda sucked in so many ways.  It’s too crappy to go out to do much of anything because of the weather which left me no choice but to find things to do in and around the house. The best that I could come up was to sit and look out the picture window at 5:30 am waiting for the town workers to come by and paint the new lines on the recently paved road. I actually found myself getting a little excited.

I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s long overdue for the powers-that-be to once and for all eliminate the insanity that is Daylight Savings Time. I’ve never really heard a reasonable explanation as to why it is necessary and for every explanation put forth there are two reasons given explaining why it’s all so much BS.

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‘From the time when hoe actually meant hoe.’

I’ve been hearing my whole life those famous words, "spring forward, fall back".  It’s time to dispel all of the misinformation that’s been shoveled our way by a government that probably has no clue as to why it’s doing this foolishness at all.  Here are a few uninteresting facts about DST that you’ve probably never heard before and might just help convince you it’s time to scrap this stupid old idea once and for all.

  • Germany was the first country to implement DST on April 30, 1916 when the clocks were set forward at 11:00 pm (23:00). (When have the Germans ever been right about anything?)
  • US inventor and politician Benjamin Franklin first proposed the concept of DST in 1784, but modern Daylight Saving Time first saw the light of day, in 1895 in New Zealand.  (Even Ben could be wrong once in a while.)
  • Some studies show that DST could lead to fewer road accidents and injuries by supplying more daylight during the hours when more people are on the roads. (Total  BS)
  • Other studies claim that people’s health might suffer due to DST changes. (I sure agree about this one.)
  • It is claimed that DST is also used to reduce the amount of energy needed for artificial lighting during the evening hours. However, many other studies totally disagree and dispute any DST energy savings capabilities. (Again, no agreement on the possible benefits which might just mean they’re really aren’t any.)
  • Today clocks are almost always set one hour back or ahead, but throughout history there have been several variations, like half adjustment (30 minutes) or double adjustment (two hours), and adjustments of 20 and 40 minutes have also been used. (More confusing answers with no agreements on any one point.)

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‘Everyone seems to agree that Native Americans have the ability to understand things we don’t. This is a perfect example.’

I’ve had it explained to me my entire life that when improvements are introduced, technological or otherwise, we should fight our instincts not to change and just DO IT.  There’s absolutely no consensus that DST is accomplishing anything but we still keep doing it. I realize for some of you it may seem to be fun to have your sleep cycles, bodily functions, and general well being screwed with by the government but I do not.  By the time I’ve finally adjusted to this stupid hour change it’s time to switch back.  Utter and complete government sponsored insanity.

STOP THE MADNESS!!!

08-04-2014 Journal Entry – Let Freedom Ring!   Leave a comment

Well the better-half is finally on her way to Delaware.  Her getting ready for a five day trip was much like the American soldiers preparing for D-Day.  She packed everything except possibly a bazooka and c-rations.  She spent five whole days packing for a five day trip which meant a minor crisis every hour or so for me to deal with. “Where’s this thing? Where’s that thing? Where did you put my recharger? My phone isn’t working properly, fix it! Why isn’t this GPS thingee working? It doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.” Man, I’ll need at least five days of rest to recover from her packing.

This posting will be all over the place today.  A little of this and a little of that. For instance, I’m always telling everyone how much I love living in Maine and thankfully I found something that will explain it clearly for you. We have an abundance of natural wonders here but it’s the people that keep me interested.  We were riding around a few days ago and came upon what could be called the Mt. Rushmore of Maine. Check it out.

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This is a perfect example of free thinking Americans voicing their opinion without fear of reprisals from the liberal left.  I appreciate their sentiment as well as the perfect way in which it was displayed.  Subtle but effective.  Here are a couple of close-ups so you can read the signs a little easier.

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‘More Obama Fans’

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‘One of These Thrones is for Biden too!’

Now let’s talk freedom of expression and mailboxes.  I created a photo book a few years ago with dozens of photo’s of unusual Maine mailboxes.  The Fed’s have a whole list of requirements for people who install a mailbox.  It must be so many inches high, so many inches from the road, and God forbid if it’s not an approved US Government design.  They may threaten you with a vicious bureaucratic note if you don’t obey their rules which just scares the hell out of no one.

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I also love those little threatening notes they occasionally drop in my box or attach to my door that informs me that they’ll stop delivering my mail unless I clear the snow and ice from my around my mailbox.  It’s Maine for God’s sake. There are times when I can’t even find it to clear the snow away.  It’s either buried under three feet of frozen concrete or the town’s snowplow has removed it from my property and dropped into the yard of a neighbor a few hundred yards away.  The fact that it will be in five or six pieces doesn’t seem to concern them either. The citizens of Maine apparently didn’t get that important government memorandum on mailbox requirements and if they did, they ignored it. I continue to find many mailboxes  which violate all of the rules of the USPS which just makes me smile. It’s just a simple and direct way for Mainer’s to throw the big middle finger to the Fed’s.

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Freedom is everywhere in Maine as reflected by this sign at a local biker bar. It just isn’t necessary to make up an impressive and phony name for your band. Just call things exactly what they are. Who wouldn’t drive a few miles to hear this group perform and throw back a few drinks as well.

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LET FREEDOM RING