Archive for the ‘sarcasm’ Tag

06/04/2022 “Samuel Clemens”   Leave a comment

There are many things I really love but in particular two should be mentioned. The first is sarcasm and without it I’d be an empty shell of a man. The second thing I love is a person. I’ve been a huge fan of Samuel L. Clemens or as he’s better-known, Mark Twain, since I learned how to read his writings. He was the master of using humor and sarcasm to explain his feelings about almost everything. What follows is his famous War-Prayer. If I had my way this prayer would be posted in every government building on the planet, especially in Russia, and be mandatory reading for any person seeking or holding an advanced military rank. War is truly hell.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910), was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer. He was lauded as the “greatest humorist the United States has produced”.

The War Prayer

“O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it — for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts.

AMEN

(Sarcasm Off)

03/26/2022 Sarcasm Heaven   2 comments

I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB more times than I can count, and those comments came from friends and family. Here are a few excellent examples of sarcasm for those of you who are sarcastic and those of you who wish you could be so absolutely wonderful. Enjoy!

  • Conservative – Someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
  • Hangover – A condition that makes figuring out who is next to you in bed this morning take anywhere from 5 minutes to a lifetime.
  • Indictment – Something that has been handed down every 20 minutes since roughly 1986.
  • In-law – A person who has the right to tell you how to live your life conferred upon him or her by marriage.
  • Rent – A monthly occurrence that demonstrates how readily one can get blood from a stone.
  • Slacker – A term that attempts to draft an air of coolness onto being a lazy bastard.
  • Slut – A vexing example of the inherent sexism still running rampant in our society, slut is a word for which there is no male equivalent; and certainly not one that even comes close to implying the same level of skankiness.
  • Swearing – Use of profanity. A vulgar and coarse way of expressing oneself that comes in really handy for everything from bumping one’s head to ending a long-term relationship.
  • Implants – Things that even when you discover are fake, somehow doesn’t really matter.
  • Hallmark – A company that has made untold millions off the fact that it’s a bitch to come up with something nice to say about the people you love.
  • Grandparents – A couple of old farts who have decided to give you all the unconditional love they quite obviously withheld from your parents.
  • Daughter – One’s female descendent. Fated to grow up and leave you for some worthless douche bag.
  • Commitment – 1. The act of binding oneself to a specific path, usually as regards a relationship with a romantic partner. 2. Consignment to a mental health facility. 3. There may be no difference between one and two.
  • Chaos – A state of extreme disorder. Captured perfectly in nature by the contents of a woman’s handbag.
  • Chaste – Morally pure; decent. A quality known in the dating scene as a waste of your time and effort.

WHO DOESN’T JUST LOVE SARCASM?

01/11/2022 Gotta Luv Satire   Leave a comment

Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.

All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.

I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.

A NEW CENTURY DAWNS

MCKINLEY USHERS IN BOLD NEW COAL AGE

NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE

OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL

WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?

DEATH BY CORSET RATES STABILIZE AT ONE IN SIX

GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET

AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH

BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM

VATICAN CONDEMNS ‘RHYTHM METHOD’

RELEASES PAPAL EDICT OUTLINING FORBIDDEN FAMILTY PRACTICES

ITALIANS IN ATTENDENCE VOW TO PEOPLE THE PLANET

I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.

MORE TO COME

⚡Stupid Headline⚡   Leave a comment

CNN ‘Reliable Sources’ Panel Blames Americans for Biden’s Sagging Approval Rating

11/17/2021 Are You Dumb?   Leave a comment

Today is DUMB day here in Maine. No, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be DUMB today but all things being considered I might be DUMB tomorrow. This word is used almost as heavily as “shit” and “fuck”. One bad move and you are immediately labeled a “DUMB shit” or a “DUMB fuck”. You may have only made a minor mistake but you’re still painted with a broad brush that identifies you as someone who screwed up in a big way. Our language is not fair and not for the faint of heart. Have you ever heard the term “dumbassary” or how about “shitheadedness”? You can build your own words and introduce them into the lexicon and pray that someone repeats them, that they then catch on, and all of a sudden you’ve been immortalized. People everywhere use the word DUMB and some even attempt to make money from its use. Here are few examples . . .

  • A 1998 song by the group “Garbage” was named DUMB.
  • Another group of fine upstanding musicians called “The 411” used it as a song title way back in 2004.
  • And probably one of the more famous weird bands, “Nirvana”, sang their hearts out in their 1993 In Utero album to the song DUMB. Later found to be highly prophetic when Kurt Cobain, the lead singer, offed himself with a shotgun. And lucky us because of that incident the magical title of celebrity was passed onto the band “Hole” and introduced us to Courtney Love. Really, how DUMB was that?

As flexible as the word DUMB is, the language has also supplied us with dozens of words with DUMB as the underlying meaning. If you hear any of the following words used in describing you in any fashion, the speaker is in fact, calling you a DUMB ass.

cretinous, feebleminded, simpleminded; boobish, foolish, idiotic, imbecile, moronic; ignorant, illiterate, lowbrow, uneducated, uninformed, unintellectual, and untaught, unthinking; absurd, asinine, balmy, cockeyed, crackpot, crazy, cuckoo, daffy, daft, dippy, fool, half-baked, harebrained, insane, kooky, loony, lunatic, mad, nonsensical, nutty, preposterous, sappy, screwball, silly, unwise, wacky, zany; fallacious, illogical, invalid, irrational, unreasonable, and last but not least, STUPID.

So when I state that I am anti-stupid you can see just how busy I’ve really become. It’s an endless battle identifying and pointing out all of the stupid, dumb, and idiotic citizens roaming our streets right under our noses. Fortunately for all of you, I grudgingly volunteered years ago to lead the charge against DUMB and STUPID.

YOUR WELCOME

10/31/2021 The Cure for What Ails You   Leave a comment

I can only assume that all of you are as sick of this pandemic lifestyle we’ve been forced into. I know I’ve made some rather harsh remarks recently about people who refuse to get vaccinations but being a problem solver forced me to find a workable solution to possibly help those folks.

The coronavirus is one of a group of viruses which includes the common cold. I decided to check around to see if I can find anything that might assist the anti-vaxers to battle viruses without compromising their principles. What I’m about to tell you is nothing new but we’re running out of options and this may be the final one available for you undecided folks. Most of the symptoms of Covid-19 are similar to those of the common cold. With vaccines out of the mix I found this ancient remedy that may be worth a try. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. IMO

Make sure to wrap it tightly around your neck for best results.

CURE #1

A woolen sock, yes you heard me, I said, a woolen sock. But you must use a woolen sock – not a synthetic, “nasty” fiber sock. The wool sock must be dirty – worn by someone else, preferably someone who is strong and healthy. It’s best for a woman with symptoms to use a healthy man’s soiled sock and vice versa.

The dirty sock should be turned inside out – with the grungy part on the outside. Wrap the sock around your neck and be sure the foot part of the sock covers the sorest spot of your throat. Leave it there all night. Be warned – you will smell, and it won’t be a good smell. Your partner most assuredly will insist you sleep on the sofa. But try to get a good nights sleep despite the terrible odor. In the morning, remove the sock and Ta Da! Your symptoms should be better.

The magic in this cure is the moisture of the dirty sock. The moisture from the healthy person is absorbed while he or she is wearing it. When that same sock is placed on a sore throat, the moisture is magically absorbed by the sick person and the illness is cured.

Woman holding a dirty vinegary sock with a disgusted look on her face.

CURE #2

Another sock cure is to soak clean cotton socks – again, no synthetic fibers – in vinegar. Squeeze out the excess vinegar and put on the socks. Get a good nights sleep and upon wakening wash your feet. You also may want to open the windows and air out the bedroom! The vinegar in the socks supposedly draws out the illness. Where the symptoms go is anyone’s guess. So be on the safe side, don’t hang around folks who wear vinegar soaked socks. Make sure they’re at least 6 to 8 feet away at all-times. I’m assuming that social distancing isn’t something you object to on moral grounds.

Well there you have it. Two alternate solutions to avoid getting vaccinated and letting the scary government run your life.

THIS HAS BEEN A SARCASTIC PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

10/12/2021 Day One – Misc. Trivia   Leave a comment

It’s time for another giant pile of flaming and utterly useless information. As you already know I’ve always been a huge fan of trivia thats unusual, odd, or strange. I’ve collected this information from books, e-mails, notes from friends, and anywhere else I could find it. I hope you enjoy them and find them as interesting and fun as I did.

  • New foreskins discarded after circumcision are sold to biomedical companies for use in artificial skin manufacture. They are also used as the secret ingredient in some popular anti-wrinkle gels.
  • Lettuce contains 2 to 10 parts of morphine per billion.
  • To see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun.
  • You can tell the temperature by listening to the chirp of a cricket. For the temperature in degrees Fahrenheit, count the number of chirps in 15 seconds and then add 37.
  • A calorie is the amount of energy it takes to raise the temperature of 1 g of water by 1°C. A gallon of gasoline contains 31,000 K calories, or the equivalent of 46.3 happy meals.
  • Bubblegum is pink because it’s creator Walter Diemer, a Fleer employee, had only pink coloring left when he mixed up his first successful batch.
  • The fly of your jeans is the flap of cloth over the zipper, not the zipper itself.
  • The term cop most likely derives from the British police acronym for Constable On Patrol.
  • There are more Subway sandwich shops in Manhattan than there are actual subway stations.
  • Henry Ford, Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney, and Paul Revere were all clock makers at one point in their lives.
  • When Thomas Edison died in 1941, Henry Ford captured his last breath in a bottle.
  • The first item sold on eBay (then called the auction web) was a broken laser pointer that sold for $14 at the time, more than the cost of a new one.
  • The term “the whole 9 yards” dates from World War II. When fighter pilots armed airplanes, the 50 caliber machine gun ammunition belts loaded into the fuselage measured exactly 27 feet. If a pilot fired all his ammo at one target, it got “the whole 9 yards”.
  • On average, women utter 7000 words a day; men manage just over 2000.

NOW WASN’T DAY 1 FUN?

10/01/2021 Karma Can Be Brutal!   Leave a comment

It seems that everyone finds a great deal of humor in the smells and sounds of human bodily functions. I’m not exactly sure why it’s so damn funny but it really is. Anyone who tells me that they don’t see the humor in it is either lying or absolutely clueless.

It all started for me as a small child. Early on my father taught me the real meaning of the term “smell my finger” and believe me it’s a lesson not soon forgotten. Another of his favorites was “pull my finger” which normally resulted in a loud, disgusting, and eye watering fart. My dad wasn’t the least bit shy and would even pull stunts on my friends who were visiting. At first it was embarrassing but I soon learned to appreciate the humor as long as he was doing his thing to someone else.

Every young boy I knew took pleasure in grossing out their friends at every opportunity. School bus farting contests were our favorite because it involved grossing out the girls as well as the bus driver. We couldn’t pass that up.

Another practice was to burp as loudly as you could during a quiet study hall and then place the blame on someone else. My friend Dick had an almost supernatural ability to burp and throw his voice like a ventriloquist. He’d make a cute girl nearby turn cherry red when everyone thought she was the culprit. I hate to admit it but it was an uncanny talent that he used often and well into adulthood.

Church was the best place to maximize our unusual talents. All those prim and proper parents with their well behaved children being oh so pious. Nothing would crack us up like two rows of God-fearing Catholics smelling an SBD (Silent But Deadly) that was so bad it would curl their nose hairs. You have to realize how much acting talent and restraint it takes to appear shocked and disgusted and still be laughing like crazy on the inside. It actually made church bearable for those of us who were only there for the fun.

The other church related scene was in the confessional during confession. It did my heart good to confess my sins, say an Act of Contrition, and then leave a nasty smelling fart for the next sinner and secondarily grossing out the priest as well. Aren’t old memories the best?

I suppose you’re wondering what prompted this entire conversation. Well I was in Walgreens recently, masked as usual and minding my own business while shopping. As I walked into the rear of the store in a back corner I passed two young ladies who couldn’t have been more than 13 years old. They were laughing and giggling as most young kids do and were just as cute as a button. It was only a few seconds later I discovered why they were laughing so hard. I walked into a cloud of the worst smelling methane in history. I normally have a strong stomach but this was almost more than I can handle. I stood there trying to catch my breath while they stood nearby laughing hysterically. They ran off giggling all the way while I took a moment or two to regain my composure. Karmic paybacks really are a bitch. That damn mask might stop Covid-19 but not farts like these.

KARMA WILL GET YOU IF YOU DON’T WATCH OUT

09/30/2021 Ode to Breasts   Leave a comment

A few months back I was sent an e-mail by a longtime friend who just happens to be female. She’s been reading this blog for a very long time and felt it necessary to tell me that she thought I was blatantly ignoring women’s issues. I vociferously disagreed but to no avail as usual. As always, arguing with a female no matter what the subject remains a fruitless endeavor. So, in response to her questionable claims I’m publishing the following. As it’s always been said “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it”. Here we go . . . .

ODE TO BREASTS

(o)(o) Perfect Breasts

( + )( + ) Fake Silicon Breasts

(*)(*) High Nipple Breasts

(@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts

oo A-Cups

{ O }{ O } D-Cups

(oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) Cold Breasts

(O)(o) Lopsided Breasts

(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts

(p)(p) Hanging Tassel Breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma Breasts

( – )( – ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts

IoIIoI Android Breasts

( $ )( $ ) Jenny McCarthy Breasts

( o )( o ) Stripper Breasts

x x Flat Chested Breasts

And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman,” Is there anything you’d like to have changed?” She replied,” Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,” What can be done with this useless boob?”. . . .

AND THEN GOD CREATED MAN

09/14/2021 Who Doesn’t Love Sarcasm?   Leave a comment

I’ve been accused by some of being a “sarcastic SOB”. I’ve been accused by others as being sarcastic when there is no need to be. In both of these cases my attitude remains pretty much the same. “I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I came by my ability honestly to answer almost anything said to me with a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort. I began developing this superpower at the age of 10 and I discovered early on that I can deflect parents, adults, and bullies, with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered.09/14/2021

At first I tried to get along with my main bully, Ken Daly, but bullies won’t or can’t deal with anyone they perceive as weak. I remember clearly the first time he was introduced to my sarcastic wit. Unfortunately he was too stupid to understand sarcasm and when I told him after taking a few minutes of his abuse, “Aren’t you just the biggest, scariest, and smartest SOB in the school?” I was stunned, he was actually flattered and just couldn’t stop smiling and proceeded to strut his stuff around the schoolyard. That one statement made me his new good buddy and after two years of his kicking me around, stealing my possessions, and smacking me a few times, I was finally free to live the rest of junior high and high school without that a-hole causing me problems.

I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks were valuable tools and I should refine my use of them to become “all I could be”. If used properly along with smiles and clever conversation it can also get me laid every so often. That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put forth to becoming a virtual “sarcasm machine”.

As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using. All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for the most part in a negative fashion. I find that disturbingly unintellectual. While I can agree to some extent that sarcasm can be used in a mean and aggressive way, I prefer a different approach.

Sarcasm is a tool and a God-given talent but really gets no respect from academia. Viewing sarcasm only as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it. There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm. I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason. It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t. For those who don’t I am forever grateful. I in turn use them to entertain the ones who are understanding me. I try not to be disrespectful during these occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude. I like a lot of laughter in my life and when people around me don’t bring anything to the table, it’s up to me to create some and I do it as often as possible. Life’s too damn short.

AND TO ALL OF YOU READERS OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY

( Sarcasm Off)

Posted September 14, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Bitch & Complain, Education, Humor, Journal, Sarcasm

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