Archive for the ‘colonoscopies’ Tag
I made a commitment a few weeks ago to post nothing but humor until the end of the year. This post is almost humorous depending on who you are and what you’ve been through medically. I’m writing this a few days earlier than usual because I have been preparing myself for another adventure through the land of colonoscopies. I’m in the middle of “prep” right now which doesn’t allow me any room for a sense-of-humor, but I will do my best. This is my eighth colonoscopy, and I should really get some kind of an award like a gigantic gold medal for endurance and being able to maintain my seriously damaged sense-of-humor through this process.
The medical community here in Maine in their efforts to provide a better service continue to change the procedures for preparation for colonoscopies. Every hospital wants to do it in a new and better way and the only people who suffer are the patients. I thought I’d seen everything on preparation and drank every known solution to help cleanse my intestines but once again I was wrong. The hospital directed me to a local pharmacy to pick up a 4-liter container that I know I’m not going to hate. The pharmacist at the time was a very likable guy and I was able to chat him up a little. I asked one simple question, “Does this solution really work? He grinned an evil little grin before answering. He asked me if I had ever watched any documentaries on atomic bombs. I said I had and again he just smiled, “You are only a couple of days away from experiencing what could be called “ground zero”. His only warning was that after drinking the solution I should never be more than 3-5 feet from a bathroom. The term “projectile bowel movements” was mentioned numerous times and he again gave me that evil little smile. So here I sit waiting patiently to again watch the destruction of my ” poor little rosebud”.
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Here’s a joke that might you smile but I doubt if it will do much for me:
A man and a woman were having drinks at a local bar when they got into a heated argument about who enjoys sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything, said the lady, “Think about this: When your ear itches you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”
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UPDATE 11/16: THE PROCEDURE HAS BEEN COMPLETED AND MY
POOR LITTLE ROSEBUD SUFFERED ONLY MINOR DAMAGES.
Well I guess the world can continue to rotate around the sun and all of you can continue living your exciting lives once again. I received a clean bill of health from my doctor during my recent checkup so everyone can relax again for another year just knowing I’ll still be around.
Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate doctors and hospitals? I’m positive you have no idea just how much. I spent a lot of my youth visiting uncounted hospitals throughout the Pittsburgh area while visiting my mother who was afflicted with every disease known to man during her life. I became almost phobic about it. I was terrified of entering hospitals and getting stuck with needles. For years every time I needed a blood test or a shot it usually caused me to become violently ill or to pass out completely. That phobia was finally dealt with when it became time for me to leave the Army. A blood test was required before I could be released from the service and I certainly wasn’t going to stick around any longer than necessary. I sat quietly while they took six tubes of blood and suffered no ill effects whatsoever. It’s amazing what proper motivation can do to help you get through the tough times.
I have no phobias now but I still hate hospitals and doctors. I’m good to go until sometime in August when my new doctor will put me through my paces once again. Blood tests, poking and prodding of body parts best left alone, and more of those miracle vaccines and shots that may or may not even work. Getting old requires more and more maintenance of the body and mind just to maintain the status quo. Regardless we eventually all lose that battle. More exercise, less alcohol, no smoking, healthy foods, and an endless supply of drugs, drugs, drugs.
When I turned fifty the medical community found out about me and the process began in earnest. I needed a shingles shot, a pneumonia shot, a tetanus booster which probably cost the insurance carriers at least $500.00. Increased visits, regular colonoscopies, and future eye surgery to fix those pesky cataract problems we all have to deal with at some point.
I’m one of millions of Boomers whose current responsibility is to stay alive as long as possible to help keep the health care community in business. What will happen to the system once we’ve all passed on. That will be the new healthcare crisis with lots of layoffs, hospital closures, and a serious overpopulation of doctors, nurses, and home care specialists. I guess we Baby Boomers could be called a massive health care asset until we all finally die.
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