As most of you are aware I am a lover of all things trivial and historical. I love all history but especially my own. Now it’s time for me to take you on a little trip down memory lane back to 1960. I’m going to introduce you to someone in my life who left me with vivid memories of school and a few emotional and geographical scars.
The lady in question was my eighth grade geography teacher. She was obsessed with geography to a fault. She was one of the meanest teachers I’ve ever had but also absolutely unforgettable (and not in a good way). On the first day of classes she told our group that half of our grade for the entire year would be based on our ability to memorize all the countries of the United Nations in alphabetical order and to recite it in front of the class. We spent many a day standing in front of the classroom and reciting as best we could as many of the countries as possible. Did I learn the countries, you bet I did, and at that time there were 82 of them.
All of us students agreed that she was an absolute lunatic and that was never disproven. She passed away many years ago and I actually sat in a bar that night with a close friend, another of her students, and toasted the old girl with a few stiff drinks. I didn’t attend her funeral but I was tempted to because I wanted to make sure she was really gone. This post is a something of a memorial and tribute to miss Mabel Milldollar, one of the most unforgettable persons I’ve ever met. This list of trivia items would have been something she would have loved but only if she could have used the information to create one of her memorable pop quizzes. They were brutal. Let’s get this started….
The part of the United States that the sun shines on first is the top of Mount Cadillac in Maine.
The state of Hawaii is composed of 132 Islands.
25% of the State of California is made up of deserts.
The southernmost tip of Africa is the Cape of Agulhas.
The northernmost point in the United States is the city of Point Barrow, Alaska.
The city of Timbuktu is located in Mali in Western Africa.
The Sahara desert in North Africa has an area of 3,250,000 square miles.
Western South Dakota marks the geographical center of the United States since the addition of Hawaii and Alaska.
Piccadilly Circus in London got its name from collars, called picadillo’s, that were made by a tailor name Robert Baker who created them in the area.
The highest uninterrupted waterfall in the world is Angel Falls in Venezuela. It has a 3212 foot drop.
The lowest point of dry land on the earth is the shore of the Dead Sea, between Jordan and Israel, which is approximately 1300 feet below sea level.
I hope you’re smiling up at me Miss Milldollar because you couldn’t possibly be looking down on me. Your evil brainwashing techniques would have certainly qualified you for special duty at Club Gitmo. No terrorist in the world could have stood up to that “evil eye” you were famous for. I hope you’re sitting in the corner of wherever you happen to be with a pointy dunce cap on your head and having your hand smacked with a big ass ruler.
Do you ever use sarcasm as a means to quiet people who irritate you? Have you ever been accused of being a lesser person because your sarcastic? Do people that don’t understand sarcasm cause you to step back a bit and begin to wonder what it was early in their life that they missed? If you said yes to any of these questions then you are probably an honest-to-God quick witted and funny person like me.
It’s time for those of us blessed with superior sarcasm skills to stand up with our heads held high and proclaim to the world "I’m sarcastic, your not, life sucks so deal with it.” Jealousy is a terrible thing and if I remember correctly it is one of the Seven Deadly Sins and not something to be all that proud of.
I’ve often been accused of being “a sarcastic SOB” and I’ve put up with the ignorant and sometime condescending comments for years. I’ll no longer tolerate that kind of treatment by anyone ever again. No more Mr. Nice Guy, "I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so either get over it or stay the hell away from me.”
I began developing my sarcasm superpower at age ten when I discovered that I could deflect parents, adults, and bullies with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered. It didn’t always work but I decided I needed to develop the skill further because it had real potential.
In junior high school I tried to get along with my first and only bully. Unfortunately I was a bit of a runt which allowed the bully to think I was stupid, weak, and non threatening. As we all know most bullies love to target someone who is weak or appears to be weak for constant ridicule and physical intimidation. My bully was three years older than me, had been left back a couple of times, out weighed me by forty pounds, and fortunately for me was as dumb as a bag of rocks.
I remember clearly the first time I used sarcasm on him. When I told him sarcastically, “You must think your the biggest, badest, and smartest SOB in this effing school?”. He appeared to be flattered and just couldn’t stop grinning and swaggering around the school yard. He actually thought I complimented him which instantly transformed me into a possible candidate to join his entourage of morons and suck ups. I declined membership and after two years of being kicked around and having my possessions stolen, I was finally free to enjoy the rest of Junior High and High School without that asshole causing me further difficulties.
I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks was a valuable tool and became determined to refine it and become “All I could be”. If used properly along with smiles and clever conversation it can also get you laid every so often which was a accidental and pleasant discovery. That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put into becoming a virtual “sarcasm machine”.
As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using. The alleged intellectuals responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for the most part in a negative fashion:
In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purposes. It may be used in an indirect manner, and have the form of irony, as in "What a fine musician you turned out to be!" or it may be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal intonation . . .
Hostile, critical comments may be expressed in an ironic way, such as saying "don’t work too hard" to a lazy worker. The use of irony introduces an element of humour which may make the criticism seem more polite and less aggressive. Sarcasm can frequently be unnoticed in print form, oftentimes requiring the intonation or tone of voice to indicate the quip.
Viewing sarcasm as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it. There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm. I try not to be disrespectful during those occasional conversations with them because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude. I like a lot of laughter in my life and when the people around me don’t bring anything to the table then it’s up to me to create some and I do, sometimes at their expense.
SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY (Sarcasm Off)
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