Archive for the ‘shoot me now’ Tag
I thought I’d start the day off by being a wise ass. Let me set this up by explaining that I detest Country & Western music. I’m not entirely sure why but I do. My better-half is addicted to it resulting in hundreds of hours that I’ve spent gritting my teeth and cringing over the constant barrage of alleged music spewing from Alexa. I’ve been requesting for months my need for a really expensive noise-cancelling headset. Like my dad always said, “Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other, see which one fills up the quickest.” That means if I really want a noise cancelling-headset, I’ll be buying it myself. To further explain my dislike of C & W music let me supply you with a number of song titles from that genre and then ask yourself this question, “Is this real music or just a poor parody much like something from Weird Al Yankovic.
I’m, Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home” David Frizzell
“She’s Actin’ Single (I’m Drinkin’ Doubles)” Gary Stewart
“Now I Lay Me Down to Cheat” David Allen Coe
“She got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft)” Jerry Reed
“You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly” Loretta Lynn
“I Cheated Me Right Out of You” Moe Bandy
“The Lord Knows I’m Drinkin'” Cal Smith
“You’re Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without” Gene Watson
“Divorce Me COD” Merle Travis
“I’m the Only Hell (Momma Ever Raised” Johnny Paycheck
YEEEEE HAAAW !, (PASS THE HEADSET)
I made a commitment a few weeks ago to post nothing but humor until the end of the year. This post is almost humorous depending on who you are and what you’ve been through medically. I’m writing this a few days earlier than usual because I have been preparing myself for another adventure through the land of colonoscopies. I’m in the middle of “prep” right now which doesn’t allow me any room for a sense-of-humor, but I will do my best. This is my eighth colonoscopy, and I should really get some kind of an award like a gigantic gold medal for endurance and being able to maintain my seriously damaged sense-of-humor through this process.
The medical community here in Maine in their efforts to provide a better service continue to change the procedures for preparation for colonoscopies. Every hospital wants to do it in a new and better way and the only people who suffer are the patients. I thought I’d seen everything on preparation and drank every known solution to help cleanse my intestines but once again I was wrong. The hospital directed me to a local pharmacy to pick up a 4-liter container that I know I’m not going to hate. The pharmacist at the time was a very likable guy and I was able to chat him up a little. I asked one simple question, “Does this solution really work? He grinned an evil little grin before answering. He asked me if I had ever watched any documentaries on atomic bombs. I said I had and again he just smiled, “You are only a couple of days away from experiencing what could be called “ground zero”. His only warning was that after drinking the solution I should never be more than 3-5 feet from a bathroom. The term “projectile bowel movements” was mentioned numerous times and he again gave me that evil little smile. So here I sit waiting patiently to again watch the destruction of my ” poor little rosebud”.
*****
Here’s a joke that might you smile but I doubt if it will do much for me:
A man and a woman were having drinks at a local bar when they got into a heated argument about who enjoys sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything, said the lady, “Think about this: When your ear itches you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”
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UPDATE 11/16: THE PROCEDURE HAS BEEN COMPLETED AND MY
POOR LITTLE ROSEBUD SUFFERED ONLY MINOR DAMAGES.
everyuselessthing.com 