Archive for the ‘telephones’ Tag
I profess to be an anti-stupidity warrior and I’m proud of that title. I’m constantly pointing out the fools in our political system because they make it so damn easy. They’re “targets of opportunity” and the “gifts that keep on giving”. In recent months I’ve been much kinder to these folks because I’ve begun to feel sorry for them. Most of them are so clueless they don’t even realize what they’re doing and saying and how it’s being perceived by us low-life, mouth-breathing, and unwashed peons.
With that in mind I thought I’d broaden my search for non-political dopes who are also making themselves famous in their own right. We’ve all had exposure to the Darwin Awards which primarily deal with idiots and how they kill themselves. I’d hate to infringe on their area of expertise when so I’ll just stick to the common, everyday, garden-variety, dopes who make me smile. These following blurbs I’ve picked up over the years and are stories of real people told by other real people. Enjoy them.
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- Our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people from a public phone.. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 pm. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked and I quote, “Would you like us to call before we come?”
- I live in a semi-rural area. We had a new neighbor call the local town hall administrative offices to request the removal of a deer crossing sign on our road. Reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and she no longer wanted them crossing there.
- My friend and her daughter went to a local Taco Bell to order some tacos. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce”. He said he was sorry but they only had iceberg.
- A friend was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” She said, if it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly and stated, “That’s why we ask.
- I once worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why her computer system wouldn’t turn on.
- When my friend and his spouse arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As my friend watched from the passenger side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. Hey, he said to the technician, “you know it’s open.” “I already got that side” was the immediate answer.
I’ll bet if you spent ten minutes a day you could compile a list much larger than this one in just a few days. They’re out there in big numbers just waiting to be recognized and it’s our duty as fine upstanding citizens to give them all the credit they deserve.
STUPIDITY REIGNS SUPREME
Anyone who’s read this blog over the years realizes how addicted to the Internet I am. I spend a great deal of my time roaming the Internet looking for odd facts on just about any subject. With that thought in mind, I thought I’d share some tidbits about the Internet that I happened upon recently. To me they’re interesting, but to you, maybe not so much. Needless to say I’m posting them anyway, so here’s goes.
High Tech
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Russian Victor Yazykov, sailing alone in the South Atlantic, performed surgery on his own arm by following instructions from Dr. Daniel Carlin of Boston, relayed via e-mail from halfway across the world.
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Cyberstalking: A man identified only as Roger was the prey in the world’s first live game of human hunting on the web. It took a week to find him in a Berlin library, counting books.
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In 1999, a NASA expedition set up the first Internet link to the North Pole and made the very first North Pole to South Pole conversation ever.
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When a computer glitch occurred in Sydney, Australia, hundreds of programmed soda pop machines began dialing ambulance and fire emergency lines.
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A company in San Francisco, California, has developed Internet software that is scented with a plug-in device for Web surfers called Smell-O-Vision.
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The Vatican has considered recognizing St. Isadora of Seville as the patron saint of the Internet. A clergyman during the sixth century, St. Isadora created a 20 volume encyclopedia, one of the earliest known databases.
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A ferret named Misty was used by the US Space Command in Colorado to help rewire a new computerized command center.
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In 1997, 67 million computer e-mail users in North America sent 2.7 billion messages. Can only imagine how many are being sent these days.
I’m sure you were thrilled reading all of those useless facts but as we all know the Internet is the gift that keeps on giving. Now let’s move on to telephones because many of you anti-technology folks who really hate the Internet love old style telephones.
Low Tech
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A company in Japan developed false fingernails that glow when the wearer is talking on a cell phone.
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Bob Prosser of Turtle Lake, Wisconsin, has a collection of 500,000 telephones, including an explosion proof military phone, a 14 karat gold Swedish phone, and a crank model used by the last Sultan of Turkey.
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In Shoup, Idaho, there are no power lines, no televisions, and no stereos.
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An answering machine in San Diego, California , created to take calls from Elvis Spotters has already received over 50,000 calls.
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The Lazy E Ranch in Guthrie, Oklahoma, has telephones that are 6 1/2 feet above the ground, for use by cowboys on horseback.
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The first telephone book was published in New Haven, Connecticut, in 1878, and contained only 50 names.
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Albert Einstein never memorized his own telephone number.
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The world’s smallest police station in Carabelle, Florida, is actually a phone booth.
I think that’s enough nonsense for today. More trivia to follow as it becomes available. Fortunately there’s an endless supply if you know where to look.
How many times a week are you told by others that your way of doing things could be better, meaning their way. It’s amazing to me how everyone thinks their way is the absolute best way. I can understand it totally because at times I feel that way myself.
I’ve had close friends and family with no practical experience in much of anything tell me how I should invest my money, romance a woman, what food to eat, and what kind of job I should have. Everyone is an effing expert in everything it seems. It’s funny that the guy with no girlfriends or prospects is the expert on romance. The guy who doesn’t have two cents in his pocket or bank account is the one telling me what stocks are going to go through the roof. Maybe it’s the woman with no children who spends all of her time telling her married girlfriends how to raise their children. It’s maddening.
To quote one of my favorite song lyrics, “Opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one.” I’ve learned over the years who I can rely on for good information and those hundreds who haven’t had a good idea about anything in recent memory. I’ve also learned not to voice any of my own opinions unless I’m asked. I may stand in a group of friends and listen to them tell each other how to live their lives without saying a single word. It makes me the guy who never has to hear those dreaded words, “Your advice sucked.”
I suppose it’s always been that way. People telling people what will happen in the future, how they should live their lives and they do it in such a way it’s seemed logical at the time. Here are some predictions I’ve discovered from so-called experts that were so bad I just had to pass them along.
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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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"This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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"We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
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"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy."
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
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"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
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"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
As you can see even people with impressive resumes aren’t experts in everything like they think they are. I‘m certainly glad I never had these experts whispering in my ear and giving me advice about anything important. Everything comes back to good old “common sense”. Constantly being negative about things just stifles creativity and can make you one miserable and unhappy SOB and also reward you with an honorable mention on this blog.
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