08-23-2013   Leave a comment

This has been one helluva week.  One more fact that will help you understand what I mean by that statement is I hate doctors, hospitals, blood tests, and personal examinations.  I can put up with a nurse every once in while but only as potential dating material. If past history tells me anything it’s stay away from nurses. The last nurse I dated (SLEPT WITH) had a tank of nitrous oxide next to her bed and spent every other stroke huffing on it with a face mask.

This week began with my blood tests.  Normally it’s just one tube of blood used to check whatever.  Because of Obamacare my doctor of ten years has given up his practice and now I’m once again "fresh meat" for the "new guy".  He needs four tubes of blood so he knows where I’m coming from.  That’s his statement not mine.  My previous doctor had a lab as part of his practice where I could easily get blood drawn but not this "new guy".  I was forced to get out of bed much earlier than I like, drive forty minutes to the hospital, to stand in line behind thirty other idiots. I felt like a freaking day laborer. A young lady called me into her room, sat me down, stuck me in the arm, sucked out the blood, and walked away shouting "Next!" at the top her lungs.  Nothing like personal service.

Four days later I returned to the doctors office for my annual physical.  The "new guy" arrived forty minutes late as I sat in this telephone booth sized room in my hospital gown freezing my nuts off.  He looks about twenty-five years old and he’s from Peru.  His accent was minimal, thank God, and I could understand almost everything he had to say.  One handshake and he opens his laptop and begins to take notes.  My computer file covers more than twelve years, two surgeries, and four colonoscopies but he has additional questions.  I felt like I was on Jeopardy and I’m sure Alex Trebek would have been more fun.

He first tells me that prostate exams are for the most part unnecessary and then bends me over the table and shoves his ever so long latex covered finger right up my ass.  No dinner, no chit chat, no wine, just "wham bang, thank you man".  For such a little guy he has quite the large digits.

An hour later and we’re still doing paperwork so I can have another colonoscopy in December (MY FIRST XMAS GIFT) and an introduction to my new mandatory diet.  I found out in short order that going forward I’m only permitted to eat rabbit food and drink black coffee.  Read the labels he tells me, no fat, no calories, no dairy, no candy, no sugar, no soda, no flavored water, and no smoothies.  The translation to that line of BS is I will never be permitted to eat anything that tastes good or even has flavor of any kind ever again.

A pat on the head, a "nice to meet ya"’ and he scampers away.  A nurse hands me the date for my next appointment and I’m out the door and back on the street.  That hour and a half probably will cost me upwards of $500.00 including the blood work up and a hundred of that will be out of pocket.  Isn’t life just freaking wonderful?

Now I get to wait six more months for another hour of quality time with the "new guy" which will probably consist of stepping onto a scale to measure my weight loss.  Really, can’t I just call it in? That would then only cost $495.00.

Shoot me now!

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