Archive for the ‘weight loss’ Tag

12/23/2021 Bizzaro New Year’s Resolutions   Leave a comment

After posting my resolutions yesterday I found this list on a website ( that’s loaded with all sorts of humorous jokes, gags, and limericks. Their list of resolutions was funny, but I thought it needed a little of my tweaking. Here is my modified version of their list, a list I know I can really accomplish. I’ll try to complete yesterday’s list, but it’ll be much more difficult than this one.

  • Put on at least 30 pounds, more if someone pisses me off.
  • Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
  • Go commando at all times.
  • Stop exercising forever.
  • Let the hair in my nose and ears grow unchecked.
  • Shave just twice a week, the face is optional.
  • Watch more pornography.
  • Never again load the dishwasher.
  • Procrastinate more.
  • Do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  • Drink more – my liver needs the exercise.
  • Buy more on-line junk from China. I need to be scammed more often.
  • Take up a new habit: maybe try smoking again.
  • Swear more.
  • More car sex.



04-04-2016 Journal – Spring & Weight Loss (Ugh!)   Leave a comment


I was happy yesterday when the last of that surprise April snow storm melted away.  Spring Fever immediately returned and thoughts of gardening and yard work filled my stupid head.  I rushed to Lowes after making a list of supplies including a new grill, a grill cover, and eighty 50 lb. bags of assorted potting soils and dirt.  I was in heaven for the remainder of the day even though none of the stuff wouldn’t be delivered until next week but I didn’t care. I slept well dreaming about warm weather and many other Springtime activities. When I awoke this morning it was snowing again.  I’m such an idiot.


As I was watching the snow flakes fly buy the window I remembered something else that was scheduled for today that I wasn’t looking forward to either.  My better-half and I decided a few weeks ago that it was time to get rid of all of the extra holiday and winter weight we’d accumulated. Today was the start of our new and improved weight loss program (sarcasm). If that doesn’t depress the crap out of you nothing will.


We did our weight-in’s separately because neither one of us wanted to announce the results to the other.  It’s just too effing depressing. This next month is going to be more than a little difficult but absolutely necessary. We both want to be healthier and thinner but the road to those things is a bumpy one.  Eat more salads, less carbs, less calories, no snacking, no candy, no dairy, no alcohol, and OMFG just shoot me now.  I’ll keep you posted on our progress regardless of the results. 

I took a walk around the property a few days ago and it always amazes me just how resilient the plants are. We have things sprouting everywhere regardless of the snow and colder temperatures.  Here are a feel quick snaps.








05-30-2014. Journal Entry–Summer is Coming!   Leave a comment


Well I’ve calmed down somewhat after my fiasco of traveling home from Texas.  It’s time to get back to normal and return to my quiet life without airlines, crowds of people, and over priced everything.

I climbed back on my trusty treadmill yesterday and I’ve got to say it was a real wake-up call.  I went a full week without much exercise and starting up again was a killer. I just have to keep pushing myself to reach that final weight loss goal I’ve targeted. I really thought that after the Texas trip I’d have to work double hard to regain motivation to lose whatever extra weight I’d gained on the trip. The biggest surprise I had was when I weighed in showing  a two pound loss bringing my total weight loss since last November to 38 pounds.  Hooray for me. I’m now only ten pounds from my goal.  With any luck I’ll be there by August and then I can really celebrate.  Ten months of oranges, radishes, cashews, and protein will make any celebration an improvement in my diet.

It’s back to gardening, yard work, and preparing for the better-half’s trip to Los Angeles in a few weeks.  The Spring  seems to be flying along very quickly but Summers coming.  I just wish the winter months came and went as quickly as these months seem to.  As I lay on the floor of Reagan National airport the other night trying to catch three winks I could only fantasize about getting back to gardening without the fear of traveling nightmares.  This young lady has a couple of gorgeous flowers that make her garden a sheer delight.


I’m planning on a major overhaul of my man-cave while she’s gone and I’m beginning today to collect the materials I need.  The cave is getting a little crowded so I need to rearrange things a bit.  My winemaking area will be expanded to include a new multi-level siphoning table as well as new shelving units for my assortment of accessories. I need more storage to accommodate the ever increasing number of wine bottles.  I need that wine because it helps me relax me so I can continue my gardening fantasies.


This is my gardening helper.  She’s in charge of all of my gardening tools and their maintenance.  She’s  a lovely young lady who is exceptionally talented.

Once my man-cave project is completed I can get down to cooking a little.  I had dinner in a Mexican restaurant while in Dallas and we feasted on the best fish taco’s I’ve ever had. Along with the tacos we thoroughly enjoyed the chips and salsa and a Verde salsa that was unbelievable.  It was citrusy and smoking hot and wonderful.  It’s time for me to create my own version of that salsa.  I’ve made a lot of salsa over the years and it should be fun to give this a try.  I honestly think that this trip and the continuing Tex-Mex influences of my Texas born better-half are turning me into a wannabe Mexican.  I know, it’s hard to believe and I’m as surprised as anyone.

The remainder of this summer should be fun and a great time to relax before Canning season starts in September.  One last gardening fantasy before I go.  Oh man do I love gardening . . . . .


01-15-2014 Journal Entry–The January Thaw   2 comments

It’s time for a little update.  My life will seem utterly boring to some of you but I don”t really mind.  It’s actually boring to me at times as well.  Since the holidays have passed things have fallen back into what we consider normal.

The weather has turned warmer and that 38 inches of snow is mostly gone since we’ve had three or four days of steady rain.  It’s the normal January thaw and we actually look forward to it each year.  Yesterday I was quietly sitting in my favorite reading chair when I heard a loud crash that shook the entire house.  I first thought it was another small earthquake but decided to check outside the house for any other possible problems.  Silly me, another on of our January gifts had arrived.

Having three or four feet of snow buildup eventually places a serious load onto the structure of the house.  Once the weather warms up a little all of that ice and snow that’s been compacting on the roof for two months begins sliding off.  I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but we have a large house with an equally large roof.  The roof accumulated approximately 8 inches of ice and another 8 inches of partially melted snow.  When it let go  it shook the house and spilled off the rear of the building into the yard.  There is no doubt if that amount of ice and snow were to hit a person they would be dead almost immediately.

I walked out back and discovered that my spring chores would now include replacement of the handrails on the back stairs.  The ice and snow landed with a crunch and smashed the handrails into small splinters.  It sounds bad but almost every year the icefall crushes those rails or anything else in it’s path.  Thank God it’s down and no longer a danger to us or our visitors. It just another wonderful little gift from Mother Nature.

My broken leg situation has greatly improved.  I climbed back on the treadmill wearing both an ankle and knee brace three weeks ago and got back to work.  It took almost three weeks of daily workouts to get my injured leg back to normal size.  I needed to build quite a bit of muscle very quickly.  The knee is improving as well and it appears there was no permanent damage.  I’m almost back to the level on the treadmill that I had reached before the injury.

The weight loss program is back as well and I’ve reach a total loss of thirty pounds.  The leg injury really screwed up things for a while but I’m back on track finally.  Ten more pounds to go and then I can ease up a little.  I’m now wearing clothes I purchased many years ago that I never was able to wear at the time.  Life is good, so far . . . .

10-09-2013   Leave a comment

Is there something truly wrong with a person who insists on punishing himself over and over again with no appreciable result to show for his efforts?  I know the answer but I just can’t seem to stop myself.  If anyone you know ever suggests that you buy and  use a treadmill, just kick their ass immediately.  Don’t wait, don’t hesitate, just do it. You won’t be sorry.  It’s just an underhanded karmic plot to make you pay for some past indiscretions in this life or another.

In the past six weeks in an attempt to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat I’ve been coerced into torturing myself by those I love and who I thought loved me on a machine just one step down from waterboarding.  At first I got with the program after suffering some pulled muscles and the constant reminder that I was in the worst shape of my life.  It was a humbling experience to say the least but I persevered through all of the pain and humiliation.  The weight began falling away as my poor taste buds began to dry up and disappear.

I’ve always loved a good salad but those days are over.  It’s true what I’ve always heard. Vegans or people that eat excessive amounts of vegetables and greens smell funny.  It’s amazing just how bad that vegetable smell is when converted into methane gas.  It’s appalling, embarrassing, and disgusting all at the same time.  God help the poor schmuck who wanders into the room where my treadmill is kept when I’m attempting to walk myself to death. 

I recall a chubby old red-neck named Larry the Cable Guy who talks about his grandmother who occasionally gets a case of the walking farts while shopping. I always thought that was a funny bit until the truth ran up and smacked me in the nose.  I don’t just get the walking farts, I also get the breathing farts.  The treadmill has slowly become a disgusting and never-ending fart inducer with no end in sight. 

It’s painful at times not just for me but for others.  My cat has abandoned me.  The room where the treadmill is set up was once HIS room.  He’d relax there, play with his toys, and generally kick back for a few hours every day.  It’s been more than three weeks since we’ve been in that room at the same time.  I walk in to begin my treadmill session and he’s gone in a heartbeat.  He refuses to return until I’m finished and the air has cleared.  I find him avoiding me in other areas of the house as well just to be on the safe side.

I’ve walked more than fifty-five miles on that effing treadmill and produced enough methane to shame a large herd of cattle.  If this continues I may become an actual environmental disaster area.  The EPA could show up at anytime with their trucks, white sealed suits, and handcuffs to take me away. I really need to be placed in isolation where I can’t harm anyone but myself.  It’s a sad day for my family because they are now forced to live with the shame of it all.

Oh, the sacrifices we’re forced to make for good health.

09-23-2013   2 comments

Here’s a little heads up for all of you.  I just checked the national observances for September and was somewhat disappointed.  I guess it’s official, September has nothing to offer, it just sucks. Contact your local politicians, write letters to Obama, alert the effing media because September needs an official designation besides being "Suck Month".

I guess I sound a little cranky today because I am.  I’m in my seventh week of my new exercise and diet program and I’m hungry enough to eat the southbound end of a northbound mule.  I’ve come to realize in the last seven weeks that an addiction to sugar is even worse than my former addiction to cigarettes. 

I wasn’t a believer until I began this program which requires me to eat as little sugar as possible.  I’ve always been a choc-o-holic with a sweet tooth that kept me eating huge amounts of sugar as often as possible.  Life was good as long as I got my daily dose of chocolate, candy, or pastries.

After being advised by my doctor to eliminate sugar from my diet completely I never expected it to be so difficult. He directed me to start reading the labels of the things I’d been eating as well as the things I planned to eat.  Ignorance was bliss to be sure.  Every damn thing has some kind of sugar in it and it’s almost impossible to eat something healthy and actually sugar free.  The cravings started almost immediately and increased with each passing day.  It was making me a little crazy and I turned into a cranky and mean SOB that my better-half was ready to kill.  I was forced to withdraw a little from her because I was on edge and picking fights with her about really stupid stuff.  I knew it was happening but couldn’t really control it very well.  It took almost five  weeks before I physically began to feel a little better.

When I quit smoking in 1985, I did it "cold turkey" after being motivated by a panic attack I thought was a heart attack.  Even then the worst of the physical cravings for nicotine passed within two or three weeks.  I guess the solution to my problems is to take up smoking candy cigarettes.

I’m doing well now and have learned to almost not hate my treadmill.  I’ve walked at a good pace for more than thirty-five miles and am starting to feel physically better.  I’ve lost almost seventeen pounds so far but still have a ways to go before I’ll be satisfied. 

It’s going to be a long winter but at the end of it I will be thinner, trimmer, and healthier.  In my opinion that’s a pretty good trifecta.

09-11-2013   Leave a comment

It’s been an interesting few weeks for me starting with my annual doctor’s visit.  They always try to put a good spin on things until the very end of the visit.  Everything’s fine, everything looks good, the blood tests were perfect except for “one little thing”.  I’m a little paranoid of doctors on a good day but when you here “one little thing” you just hold your breath because you know something bad is coming.

It wasn’t a major catastrophe but worrisome none the less.  I’m in the diabetes danger zone with my blood sugar and steps need to be taken to remedy the problem immediately.  That entails being placed on a no sugar and no carb diet.  What that really means is I’ll never be able to eat a decent meal again or at least for quite some time.  The upside is that if I’m able to lose enough weight I’ll be able to stop taking 90% of the prescription medication I’m currently taking for blood pressure and cholesterol.  The doctor was rather adamant about his instructions which convinced me to pay close attention and do what I’m told for once.  Since my father died from diabetes related problems it’s time for me to wise up and get with the program. No more sugar, no more carbs, reduced dairy, reduced portions, and a minimum of twenty minutes of vigorous walking a day.

My first step was to inform my better-half who as always is there for support. My second step was making a trip to the local Sears where I found a treadmill that would fill my requirements.  With Winter approaching, walking on the roads becomes problematic and I hate being required to drive any distance to a gym. It was delivered a week later and that’s when the fun begin.  Being the cheap bastard that I am I refused to pay $75.00 to have it built.  Three hours later I had it in place and operational. For most of my life I’ve played sports of one type of another but never ever used a treadmill.  I was able to use it experimentally for a day or two without killing myself. 

It’s now almost two weeks later and I’m on my way to being a treadmill expert.  This treadmill makes things very easy to do and gives me the ability to track heart rate, incline, distance, and much much more.  I’m doing approximately 35 minutes a day at a medium speed walk.  Having a television in the room has made it even easier.  Starting tomorrow I’m going to do two thirty minutes sessions a day. I’m already down almost ten pounds in the first three weeks.  That’s a little fast but what the hell, it’s all good.

My goal as set by the doctor is a fifteen pound loss by February and an additional fifteen pounds by next August. Then I’ll be lean and mean and hopefully medication free.  It’s a goal worth reaching and could add ten years to my life. I’m good with that. 

08-23-2013   Leave a comment

This has been one helluva week.  One more fact that will help you understand what I mean by that statement is I hate doctors, hospitals, blood tests, and personal examinations.  I can put up with a nurse every once in while but only as potential dating material. If past history tells me anything it’s stay away from nurses. The last nurse I dated (SLEPT WITH) had a tank of nitrous oxide next to her bed and spent every other stroke huffing on it with a face mask.

This week began with my blood tests.  Normally it’s just one tube of blood used to check whatever.  Because of Obamacare my doctor of ten years has given up his practice and now I’m once again "fresh meat" for the "new guy".  He needs four tubes of blood so he knows where I’m coming from.  That’s his statement not mine.  My previous doctor had a lab as part of his practice where I could easily get blood drawn but not this "new guy".  I was forced to get out of bed much earlier than I like, drive forty minutes to the hospital, to stand in line behind thirty other idiots. I felt like a freaking day laborer. A young lady called me into her room, sat me down, stuck me in the arm, sucked out the blood, and walked away shouting "Next!" at the top her lungs.  Nothing like personal service.

Four days later I returned to the doctors office for my annual physical.  The "new guy" arrived forty minutes late as I sat in this telephone booth sized room in my hospital gown freezing my nuts off.  He looks about twenty-five years old and he’s from Peru.  His accent was minimal, thank God, and I could understand almost everything he had to say.  One handshake and he opens his laptop and begins to take notes.  My computer file covers more than twelve years, two surgeries, and four colonoscopies but he has additional questions.  I felt like I was on Jeopardy and I’m sure Alex Trebek would have been more fun.

He first tells me that prostate exams are for the most part unnecessary and then bends me over the table and shoves his ever so long latex covered finger right up my ass.  No dinner, no chit chat, no wine, just "wham bang, thank you man".  For such a little guy he has quite the large digits.

An hour later and we’re still doing paperwork so I can have another colonoscopy in December (MY FIRST XMAS GIFT) and an introduction to my new mandatory diet.  I found out in short order that going forward I’m only permitted to eat rabbit food and drink black coffee.  Read the labels he tells me, no fat, no calories, no dairy, no candy, no sugar, no soda, no flavored water, and no smoothies.  The translation to that line of BS is I will never be permitted to eat anything that tastes good or even has flavor of any kind ever again.

A pat on the head, a "nice to meet ya"’ and he scampers away.  A nurse hands me the date for my next appointment and I’m out the door and back on the street.  That hour and a half probably will cost me upwards of $500.00 including the blood work up and a hundred of that will be out of pocket.  Isn’t life just freaking wonderful?

Now I get to wait six more months for another hour of quality time with the "new guy" which will probably consist of stepping onto a scale to measure my weight loss.  Really, can’t I just call it in? That would then only cost $495.00.

Shoot me now!

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