If your experiences in life are anything like mine have been there’s always someone available to offer advice, both good and bad.  Usually without you even asking.  Every one thinks they’re some kind of philosopher and never hesitate to show you just how smart they think they are.  It can be annoying as hell but every once in a while the proverbial blind man can find that pearl of wisdom.  Unfortunately you’ll probably be forced to listen to a few dozen inane and stupid statements to get to the one that would really mean something.

My father and grandfather’s had an endless supply of what they thought were inspirational messages. “Don’t pee or spit into the wind.” and “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.” immediately come to mind.  A special thanks to Jim Croce for supplying my Dad with that one.

I began looking around the Net for more material on this subject but was soon overwhelmed with possibilities.  Some of the following messages and quotes, and thoughts came from celebrities, politicians, and as always my favorite, Anonymous.  I’ve removed the names of the authors because it the message that counts not who wrote it.  You should be able to figure a few of them out if you give it some thought.  Here we go.

• “Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
• ”The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”
• ”It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
• ”Your garbage disposal eats better than 30% of the people in this world.”
• ”Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
• ”Never do card tricks for your poker buddies.”
• ”To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.”
• “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
• “The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.”

• “What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”
• “If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”
• “A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.”
• “If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t drag your feet.”
• “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
• “The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.”
• “I prefer to be a pessimist; it makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.”
• “Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?”
• “To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.”
• “A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”

• “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
• “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
• “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”
• “Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
• “Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.”
• “If you lend someone $25 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
• “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
• “The difference between erotic and kinky is that one uses a feather, the other uses the whole chicken.”

Pick a few out that you like and memorize them.  That way when you’re  philosophizing for others you’ll have something to impress them with.  You do know we all do it, all of the time, Right?