08/28/2021 Not in My Yard   Leave a comment

It’s the dream of every American to own their own home. Owning a home has always been an important symbol of a person’s independence and financial stability. In these somewhat precarious times home ownership has become something much different. It’s a new pandemic economy.

That being said it’s still better to own a home than to rent. I’ve owned a number of homes over the years and not only were they a financial plus, I just really enjoyed maintaining them and improving them. I’ve always taken a lot of pride in any home that I’ve owned and that’s why I’m so particular about what I allow on my property.

I’ve had good neighbors, bad neighbors, and neighbors who I’ve desperately tried to forget. My father always told me that “good fences make for good neighbors”, and it’s still true to this day. I’m a firm believer in maintaining minimal contact with neighbors except in cases of emergency where they may need help or assistance. I’m a big proponent of the Neighborhood Watch concept which accomplishes important tasks for the protection of the neighborhood and its children. It’s only when you begin to socialize with your neighbors that trouble is sure to begin. Being my neighbor doesn’t make you my best friend, only an accidental acquaintance brought about by my purchase of my home.

So with some humor and a little seriousness here’s my list of ten things I never want to find in my yard. This list has been compiled over the years and includes information about past and present neighbors.

  • Phony and disturbing faux-sculptures made by neighbors from a collection of junk.

There’s nothing like waking up every morning to a large pile of lamely connected garbage which has been anointed as “fine art” by my neighbor. Where’s that stick of dynamite when you need it?

  • Dogs and their ever-present droppings.

What’s better than taking a walk around your yard after a summer rain and stepping into a pile deposited by the neighbors dog. Don’t you just love the smell of “dog shit” in the morning.

  • Tire tracks.

Finding these early on Sunday mornings mean empty beer cans somewhere nearby.

  • Salesman and their line of BS.

Invest in a mean and nasty dog or a really fine looking “NO SOLICITING SIGN“.

  • Jehovah’s Witnesses, your attitude and literature.

This is a particular favorite of mine. I love inviting them in for some bad language and inappropriate stories.

  • Mother Nature’s Little Friends.

Feeding birds and squirrels are one thing but all of the deer, skunks, and other garden eating critters place their lives at risk by entering my garden.

  • Nosey neighbors and their endless curiosity.

This is when a fence would come in handy.

  • Mailbox crushing snow plows.

This has cost me four mailboxes in six years and the town takes no responsibility. This is called “Government doing it to the people”.

  • In-laws and other unfriendly family members.

Keep the bed hard, the food bad, and always be short of beer and liquor.

  • Outlaws and other criminal types.

Buy a gun or two and lots of ammo. Once you enter my home uninvited it becomes what us former military men call “a free fire zone”. Don’t even think about it.

* * *

I’ve had a menagerie of neighbors over the years and could tell you stories you wouldn’t believe. I’ve had some I’ve liked, some I have loved (literally and figuratively), some that I’ve hated, and many others I’ve never gotten to know at all. Overall I was always considered by most of them to be a better-than-average neighbor.

JUST FOLLOW THE RULES

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