Archive for the ‘criminals’ Tag

06/15/2022 🥴More Dumb Asses🥴   Leave a comment

I love reading stories about criminals being apprehended after being as stupid as we know they can be. For years I spent time reading the endless stories from the Darwin Awards about stupid ways to die. That got a little boring after a while, so I’ve now graduated to reading about stupid criminals. And it’s a special treat to read about them being a former police officer. So enough of this jibber-jabber, on to the idiots.

IDIOT #1

  • A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

IDIOT #2

  • A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

IDIOT #3

  • A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

IDIOT #4

  • The Belgium news agency Belga reported that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

YOU REALLY CAN’T FIX THIS KIND OF STUPID

04/14/2022 Dumb Ass Day   Leave a comment

Today is Thursday but it just feels like a dreary Monday. I was awakened at 4:30 am by my better-half who was preparing to leave at 6:00 am for a drive to Florida. She was accompanied by her daughter and two grandsons both under the age of ten (OMFG). She tried desperately to convince me to ride along but fortunately for me I had other plans today. My other plans consist of some quality time with my least favorite doctor, the oncologist. I’ve always thought that being a proctologist might be the worst job on the planet but after the last three years I’ve changed my mind about that. Being an oncologist has to be the worst. Their job is vitally important but dealing with cancer and death on a regular basis is grueling for both the patients, nurses, and doctors. I’m hoping for good news today as always when dealing with them. So while I sit here preparing myself for that visit I thought I’d post a few things about four truly dumb asses.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front cover from an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was later sentenced to four years in jail.

OKAY, SO YOU’RE A MAN
A 38-year-old man passed away in Pennsylvania a couple of hours after going to the home of a friend to see his snakes. According to the friend, the man had playfully reached into a cobra’s tank and picked up the snake and was bitten. Refusing a ride to the hospital, the man said, “I’m a man, I can handle it,” and instead went to a bar, where he had three drinks and bragged to patrons that he had just been bitten by a cobra. An hour later, he was dead.

READING ABOUT DUMB ASSES ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP

03/31/2022 Stupid Criminals   Leave a comment

Many, many, many years ago I was a state police officer in Pennsylvania. There’s no question that being a cop is a tough job and it’s even worse these days. There’s an old saying amongst cops that police work is “Hundreds of hours of boring patrol work and the occasional 2 or 3 minutes of absolute terror”. While I agree with that there’s also something else that all cops must deal with. That is stupid criminals. We had another saying I was extremely fond of and that was “If it weren’t for stupid criminals, we’d never catch anyone”. That was meant to be funny, but some of the best laughs I’ve ever had in my life had to do with the people I met during investigations and the statements they gave in response to my questions. Here are a few examples of situations other cops have dealt with that might tickle your funny bone.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE $2000?
Army military policeman Daniel Christian Bowden, 20, was arrested at the Fort Belvoir (Va.) Federal Credit Union as he attempted to deposit almost $3,000 of cash into his account. A teller called police on Bowden because she recognized him as the very man who had robbed the credit union of nearly $5,000 two weeks earlier.

STEAL THE RIGHT THING
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

BATTLE OF THE BULGE
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

PLEASE ARREST ME
Carlos Manuel Perez, 21, was jailed in Anniston, Ala. after a series of missteps that almost begged for his arrest. He stopped in front of a local government building in a stolen car, which had no license plate. His intention, he told the first person he saw, was to inquire about getting a non-photo identification card, since he was not carrying a driver’s license. That first person happened to be Sheriff Larry Amerson, in uniform. When pressed for ID, Perez produced a social security card with the name Matthew Nowaczewski (though Perez has a dark-skinned Hispanic complexion). He also produced a birth certificate under that name but with some information erased and rewritten in pen, including his birthplace of “MiSSSissippi.” Said Amerson later, “I know I’m from Alabama, but I’m not that stupid.”

YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID

08/31/2021 Wishing, Hoping, Singing, Praying, Planning, and Dreaming?   Leave a comment

If you could make any wish and know it would be granted, what would it be? Would you be like any number of Miss America or Miss Universe contestants and ask for world peace? Some people would ask for money and lots of it. There are a million things to think about before making such a tremendous decision. Would you wish to be king or queen of the world and rule your kingdom anyway you please and God help the disbelievers.

Most of our politicians would ask for a healthy and happy electorate with a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. What they really want is continuous reelections without campaigning and the ability to act in any manner they please both sexually and otherwise without consequence. Again read between the lines. They really want total power over as many citizens and their tax dollars as they can get. They want to be able to give big money jobs to their friends and relatives without having some reporter in their face.

The Hollywood types would ask for a steady diet of big roles, big movies, and the undying gratitude of the masses. Of course, they would tell the world they really are asking for world peace, no poverty, and the rescue of the unfortunates in Africa. You must learn to read between the lines when dealing with actresses and actors too. Most of what you see and hear is smoke and mirrors but they think we’re all too stupid and believe everything they say.

The criminal element wishes for the ability to steal almost anything, find a place to sell the merchandise, and then get lots of money, money, money. They then move to a tropical island, lay on the beach, and throw the finger at the world. They don’t kid around, they wish for exactly what they want and aren’t afraid to stand up and shout it to the world, give it to me or I’ll just take it.

So where are you in all of this? What’s your big wish? Money and fame? I know, now you want me to tell you what I would wish for. Let me qualify my answer with a few facts first. I am the ultimate cynic and skeptic. I trust almost no one and I believe almost nothing I hear and only half of what I see. I expect the worst from people and when I’m wrong I celebrate. Unfortunately in dealing with people for as many years as I have, I’m not wrong very often. So here’s my answer.

Nobody’s going to give you a damn wish, so wake up! Too much Wishing and Hoping and Singing and Praying and Planning and Dreaming.

NOT ENOUGH DOING

08/28/2021 Not in My Yard   Leave a comment

It’s the dream of every American to own their own home. Owning a home has always been an important symbol of a person’s independence and financial stability. In these somewhat precarious times home ownership has become something much different. It’s a new pandemic economy.

That being said it’s still better to own a home than to rent. I’ve owned a number of homes over the years and not only were they a financial plus, I just really enjoyed maintaining them and improving them. I’ve always taken a lot of pride in any home that I’ve owned and that’s why I’m so particular about what I allow on my property.

I’ve had good neighbors, bad neighbors, and neighbors who I’ve desperately tried to forget. My father always told me that “good fences make for good neighbors”, and it’s still true to this day. I’m a firm believer in maintaining minimal contact with neighbors except in cases of emergency where they may need help or assistance. I’m a big proponent of the Neighborhood Watch concept which accomplishes important tasks for the protection of the neighborhood and its children. It’s only when you begin to socialize with your neighbors that trouble is sure to begin. Being my neighbor doesn’t make you my best friend, only an accidental acquaintance brought about by my purchase of my home.

So with some humor and a little seriousness here’s my list of ten things I never want to find in my yard. This list has been compiled over the years and includes information about past and present neighbors.

  • Phony and disturbing faux-sculptures made by neighbors from a collection of junk.

There’s nothing like waking up every morning to a large pile of lamely connected garbage which has been anointed as “fine art” by my neighbor. Where’s that stick of dynamite when you need it?

  • Dogs and their ever-present droppings.

What’s better than taking a walk around your yard after a summer rain and stepping into a pile deposited by the neighbors dog. Don’t you just love the smell of “dog shit” in the morning.

  • Tire tracks.

Finding these early on Sunday mornings mean empty beer cans somewhere nearby.

  • Salesman and their line of BS.

Invest in a mean and nasty dog or a really fine looking “NO SOLICITING SIGN“.

  • Jehovah’s Witnesses, your attitude and literature.

This is a particular favorite of mine. I love inviting them in for some bad language and inappropriate stories.

  • Mother Nature’s Little Friends.

Feeding birds and squirrels are one thing but all of the deer, skunks, and other garden eating critters place their lives at risk by entering my garden.

  • Nosey neighbors and their endless curiosity.

This is when a fence would come in handy.

  • Mailbox crushing snow plows.

This has cost me four mailboxes in six years and the town takes no responsibility. This is called “Government doing it to the people”.

  • In-laws and other unfriendly family members.

Keep the bed hard, the food bad, and always be short of beer and liquor.

  • Outlaws and other criminal types.

Buy a gun or two and lots of ammo. Once you enter my home uninvited it becomes what us former military men call “a free fire zone”. Don’t even think about it.

* * *

I’ve had a menagerie of neighbors over the years and could tell you stories you wouldn’t believe. I’ve had some I’ve liked, some I have loved (literally and figuratively), some that I’ve hated, and many others I’ve never gotten to know at all. Overall I was always considered by most of them to be a better-than-average neighbor.

JUST FOLLOW THE RULES

01-25-2016 Journal – I Unheart Sports!   Leave a comment

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Can this non-sports fanatic make the grand announcement today? The New England Patriots rolled down the old NFL drain last night against a team from somewhere in Colorado.  Not that I really care all that much but it really succeeded in turning my better-half into an insane basket case.  We have a agreement on nights when these games are scheduled.  She moves to the upstairs family room to yell, scream, and cheer on whatever teams she thinks she supports.  I remain downstairs watching whatever I please on Netflix well out of reach of the denigrating influences of professional sports.

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‘Ugly Sports Fans?’

I’m not entirely sure where along the way I lost all interest in almost every kind of sporting event.  I played many different sports as I grew up and was pretty damn successful in all of them. I had a lot of natural ability and I knew if I became good enough I might just get laid occasionally. Why women and girls are drawn to sports figures is beyond me but it’s a fact of life.

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‘Oversized Sports Fan?’

The only sporting events that even remotely interest me these days is the Little League World Series and it’s accompanying playoffs.  It’s much more honest and upstanding than what professional sports has turned into.  Money is power and absolute power corrupts absolutely . . .  so welcome to professional sports. Don’t forget the performance enhancers, steroids, the  lying, the dishonesty, and the too many to count criminal indictments.

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‘Oversexed Sports Fan?’

I even lost interest in the Olympics decades ago.  Patriotism be damned. The political overtones became a constant turn off and I now make a point of religiously avoiding any and all events on any network related to the Olympics. The point of the Olympics originally was to promote a non-violent means for countries to compete and to develops a better understanding of each other.  Just think about it for a minute and you’ll realize just how much of a failure that has been. Take a look back to Munich and ask the Israelis what they think about it.

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‘Rainbow Coalition Sports Fans?’

Over the last few years I’ve even been forced to give up my small addiction to talk radio.  The airways are now dominated by the two things which make my blood curdle, sports and politics.  Listening to sports experts 24/7 is akin to having your teeth drilled near the nerve with no Novocain. Even worse than sports are the endless shows of talking heads who claim some sort of expertise and understanding about all things politic.  Of course their political views directly coincide with their networks agenda and the possibilities of career advancement if they agree to prostitute themselves and tow the company line.

Welcome to life in the good old U. S. of A. here in 2016.

10-21-2013   2 comments

I’ve spent most of my adult life working with an odd assortment of people.  I was an investigator in the Army which required me to interrogate people who spoke little or no English through an interpreter.  A difficult task at best since many times the interpreter only knew enough English to get by.  Years later as a police officer I was introduced to a host of criminal types, drug users, child abusers, and perverts.  The first and most important thing during those interviews and interrogations required a reasonable knowledge of the  subjects motivations and state of mind.  For the most part it was an interesting and emotionally draining experience.

I had an excellent rate of success in my endeavors because I was able to develop a quick rapport with my subjects in a very short period of time.  This remained the case through more than ten thousand interviews conducted in the years just prior to my retirement.  I felt I had the ability to interrogate, interview, and understand anyone regardless of the situation.  I was flexible enough to adapt to their way of thinking, find the problem, and fix it with a minimum of effort. Was I over confident?  I didn’t think so at the time but I do now. 

I finally met my match recently when I was dropped into a situation that befuddled me.  I had little or no experience with young children and when my step-grandson was born my education in dealing with people took a strange turn.  He communicates with his world of adults during this first year without language.  He uses hand gestures and a collection of facial expressions to get his messages across which continue to puzzle most of us.  He’s within a month or two from actually speaking understandable words and he’s currently babbling a constant stream of unintelligible nonsense.  It appears to make some sort of sense to him but leaves us adults dazed and confused.

My best chance of understanding him will occur once he decides to start saying something I can understand.  I decided to do a little more research into the mind set of a very young person who has no apparent life experience to draw from. How tough can it be I asked?  Where do I start?  I found the following article while surfing the Net and as soon as I read it I knew it held the answers I’d been looking for.  A simple and brief list of how the mind of a very young child is motivated and feels about the things and people around them. The list is funny but without a doubt as close to the truth as I could find. See what you think.

1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
    automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

I’m going to post a copy of this list on my frig and read it as many times as necessary each and every time the little guy pisses me off or does something inappropriate.  This list explains everything in a way even I can understand.  Be patient, no screaming or yelling, and no punishing for things he doesn’t yet understand.  Just stand back and gently guide him in the direction we want him to go.  They’ll be plenty of time later for guidance and instructions once he can talk and reply.  Being able to speak and ask questions will make things  so much easier for us both (I hope).

Being the first born grandchild in a family is a nice place to find yourself.  I was the first born grandchild in my family and I milked it for all it was worth with my grandparents. I’m about to experience the whole thing again but from the opposite perspective. It should be interesting.

09-01-2013   Leave a comment

Not being a huge football or sports fan has distinct advantages for me.  I can ridicule any team at any time for any reason and I do as often as I can.  It’s difficult because so many people admire, desire, and worship these football heroes (I use the term loosely) that they’ll attack anyone who isn’t awed by the mere sight of them.  My hero worshiping days were short lived after all of the scandals: cheating, lying, steroid use, and criminal activities.  No more sports heroes for me thank you very much.  I’ll stick to the real heroes, our servicemen and women who sacrifice so these hulks can make millions of dollars and be praised by the masses.

Here are a few notable quotes, past and present, by some of those sports heroes.  Thank God all of their colleges found a way to help them graduate.

* * *

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season…"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theismann

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: "We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ "

* * *

What more needs to be said?  The more they insist on standing up and talking to the media the more material I’ll have for postings like this.  Keep close tabs on your sports programs for those pregame, half-time, and post game interviews.  They’re almost as entertaining as the games.

07-13-2013   Leave a comment

Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity.  I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous.  I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.

You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with.  The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years.  You just can’t make this stuff up.  Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently.  His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone."  Here’s a few of them that were caught.

  • A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
  • During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
  • A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
  • A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
  • A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri.  A huge dumb ass.

What did I tell you?  I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice.  Some things are just wisdom for the ages.

07-11-2013   Leave a comment

For most of my working life I’ve had the misfortune to work with hundreds of attorneys.  Some great, some good, some average, some incompetent, and some just plain stupid.   As the overall number of attorney’s increases the likelihood of hiring an incompetent or dumb attorney increases as well.  My job working in state government for seven years placed me in an uncomfortable position directly between the accused defendants and a small army of public defenders. Talk about a rock and a hard place!  A thankless job to be sure but OMG did I get an education.  I think I actually learned more from the criminals than from their representatives.

I also was exposed to hundreds of witnesses whose sole purpose was either to help  free an accused or to put him/her away for as long as possible.  The only common denominator I found throughout the judicial and correctional systems was a massive amount of DUMB.  These following quotes are actual statements between attorneys and people called to the witness stand in a plethora of criminal matters.  Enjoy them and be glad they aren’t representing you.

Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15.
Attorney:. What year?
Witness: Every year.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Believe me when I tell you that these are just the tip of the “stupid” iceberg when it comes to the criminal justice system.  It’s no joke when someone tells you that the term “Criminal Justice System” is the ultimate oxymoron. It is scary stupid every minute of every day especially when you spend two days a week inside a jail.  I spent during my time with the State Judicial Branch close to seven hundred days inside jails interviewing prisoners and watching the system at work.  Every time I walked from a jail at the end of the day I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God I was not incarcerated and needed no help from an attorney.  DUMB AND DUMBER!

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