Archive for the ‘bad advice’ Tag
If your experiences in life are anything like mine have been there’s always someone available to offer advice, both good and bad. Usually without you even asking. Every one thinks they’re some kind of philosopher and never hesitate to show you just how smart they think they are. It can be annoying as hell but every once in a while the proverbial blind man can find that pearl of wisdom. Unfortunately you’ll probably be forced to listen to a few dozen inane and stupid statements to get to the one that would really mean something.
My father and grandfather’s had an endless supply of what they thought were inspirational messages. “Don’t pee or spit into the wind.” and “Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.” immediately come to mind. A special thanks to Jim Croce for supplying my Dad with that one.
I began looking around the Net for more material on this subject but was soon overwhelmed with possibilities. Some of the following messages and quotes, and thoughts came from celebrities, politicians, and as always my favorite, Anonymous. I’ve removed the names of the authors because it the message that counts not who wrote it. You should be able to figure a few of them out if you give it some thought. Here we go.
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“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
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”The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”
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”It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
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”Your garbage disposal eats better than 30% of the people in this world.”
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”Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
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”Never do card tricks for your poker buddies.”
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”To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.”
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“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
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“The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.”
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“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”
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“If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”
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“A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.”
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“If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don’t drag your feet.”
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
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“The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.”
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“I prefer to be a pessimist; it makes it easier to deal with my inevitable failure.”
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“Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?”
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“To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.”
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“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”
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“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
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“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
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“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”
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“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
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“Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.”
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“If you lend someone $25 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.”
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“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
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“The difference between erotic and kinky is that one uses a feather, the other uses the whole chicken.”
Pick a few out that you like and memorize them. That way when you’re philosophizing for others you’ll have something to impress them with. You do know we all do it, all of the time, Right?
How many times a week are you told by others that your way of doing things could be better, meaning their way. It’s amazing to me how everyone thinks their way is the absolute best way. I can understand it totally because at times I feel that way myself.
I’ve had close friends and family with no practical experience in much of anything tell me how I should invest my money, romance a woman, what food to eat, and what kind of job I should have. Everyone is an effing expert in everything it seems. It’s funny that the guy with no girlfriends or prospects is the expert on romance. The guy who doesn’t have two cents in his pocket or bank account is the one telling me what stocks are going to go through the roof. Maybe it’s the woman with no children who spends all of her time telling her married girlfriends how to raise their children. It’s maddening.
To quote one of my favorite song lyrics, “Opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one.” I’ve learned over the years who I can rely on for good information and those hundreds who haven’t had a good idea about anything in recent memory. I’ve also learned not to voice any of my own opinions unless I’m asked. I may stand in a group of friends and listen to them tell each other how to live their lives without saying a single word. It makes me the guy who never has to hear those dreaded words, “Your advice sucked.”
I suppose it’s always been that way. People telling people what will happen in the future, how they should live their lives and they do it in such a way it’s seemed logical at the time. Here are some predictions I’ve discovered from so-called experts that were so bad I just had to pass them along.
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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
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"This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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"We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
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"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy."
Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
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"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
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"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
As you can see even people with impressive resumes aren’t experts in everything like they think they are. I‘m certainly glad I never had these experts whispering in my ear and giving me advice about anything important. Everything comes back to good old “common sense”. Constantly being negative about things just stifles creativity and can make you one miserable and unhappy SOB and also reward you with an honorable mention on this blog.
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