Archive for the ‘divorce’ Tag
“The poet is a reporter interviewing his own heart.”
Christopher Morely
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Poetry at times can be beautiful. It can bring tears to your eyes and joy to your heart but as with anything it also has the ability to become something dark and disturbing. I try to make a point of reading samples of poetry from as many poets as I can. Some of the most touching poems are not about happy moments running through fields of flowers with birds flying around, but of deep sadness and pain.
On a regular basis I make purchases from thrift bookstores on eBay. A book arrived at my home recently and I knew reading it was going to be extremely difficult. It’s a selection of poetry written by young people who have had to deal with divorcing parents. The book is titled “broken hearts… healing”, Young Poets Speaking Out, compiled and edited by Tom Worthen, Ph.D. I just finished reading the first half of that book and it forced me to deal with the pain I caused to my own son. Many years ago, I ended a twenty-year marriage and caused a great deal of pain to a young man that we adopted (at age twelve) from a number of state-run foster homes. He deserved better than we were able to give him at the time, and this book brought it all back with a vengeance. Here are two poems that brought tears to my eyes.
TUG OF WAR
Nobody has the life I have,
I can’t imagine if the whole world did.
My parents don’t even talk,
They get to ask who wants us and when.
It is like me and my two sisters are in the middle of everything.
So I hope you don’t have the life I have,
And if you do I’m sorry.
by Beth, Age 11
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WHERE IS MY DAD?
He comes around like he cares,
but when I was young he was not there.
He has a new family and a wife to love dear,
when I was around he made me feel weird.
When I was alone crying in my bed,
was he there, no, it was mom instead.
When I look at my friends with their moms and dads,
I think if he didn’t mess it up,
Oh, what I could have had!
by Dana, Age 13
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I like many others have been married and divorced. It’s truly a painful process but with just about fifty percent of marriages doomed to failure it’s an experience millions of people must deal with. Unfortunately the collateral damage from a divorce extends to the children. It’s difficult to find many children who aren’t touched by divorce in some fashion or another these days.
As sympathetic as I am to their plight, I actually think that keeping a marriage together for the children is a mistake. Having them be a witness to the down and dirty fighting between their parents and then further manipulation by both parents for custody rights is the worst. Those kind of scars last a lifetime.
Kids are much more resilient than adults think and can adapt to changing circumstances fairly quickly. The following children were asked to speak on the subject of marriage. As always kids speak their mind in a clear and concise manner regardless of the subject.
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How do you decide who to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. – Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. – Kirsten, age 10
What is the best age to marry?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. – Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. – Freddie, age 6
How can you tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. – Derrick, age 8
What do your Mom and Dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids. – Lori, age 8
What do people do on dates?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. – Linette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. – Martin, age 10
What would you do on a bad first date?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. – Craig, age 9
When is it OK to kiss someone?
When they’re rich. – Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8
Is it better to be single?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. – Theodore, age 8
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. – Anita, age 9
How would the world be different if there was no marriages?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8
How would you make your marriage work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. – Rick, age 10
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It’s always refreshing for me to read essays, stories, and remarks made by the kids. They’re able to cut through the BS and answer questions based on their bits and pieces of limited knowledge. It gives me hope for the future.
I thought I’d write a little about marriage today. Seeing as how more marriages fail than survive, it makes one wonder what’s the point. Even knowing it only has a 50/50 chance of success doesn’t seem to stop people from jumping right into a relationship that’s complex and difficult on it’s good days. Even the massive effort by members of the gay community to legalize marriage truly puzzles me. I sometimes think it’s just a way for them to feel like the rest of us, married, miserable, and alimony and child support eligible.
As an officiant in a wedding more than a year ago I had my eyes opened even further about weddings and their preparations. The wedding I was involved with was a down-to-earth, simple, and beautiful one. No thousands of dollars spent on a one-time dress, no catered meal, no huge hall, or any of the more stupid things like releasing doves. It was elegant and beautiful. Does that give that marriage a better chance of success? I doubt it.
The number of cottage industries that have originated to feed the marriage expectations of millions of people also boggles the mind. Event planners, depending on the wedding size, make much more money for their services than some weddings cost. As we all know some people spend many thousands of dollars on what everyone considers an institution with terrible odds of succeeding. That’s a kind of gambling most people would never attempt, not even in Las Vegas.
That being said, in my efforts to better understand I found myself wandering the highways and byways of the Net looking for information of this holy of holy experiences (I hope you know that was sarcasm). Some people have made the decision to have a humorous wedding. Why? I have no clue. I suppose humor might make taking the plunge a little less terrifying. Here are two examples of some of the new and funny vows (again sarcasm) to help lighten up the ceremony:
I (name), take you (name), to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.
I take you as my wife to have and hold, love and cherish, to honor and mostly obey. I promise to make you number one in all of my life’s biggest decisions. While I don’t promise not to make you mad, I promise to apologize…when I think it’s my fault. I want nothing more than a long and happy life together. Do you?
I can’t imagine asking someone to marry me and have them take the entire thing so lightly as to use vows like that. Here are a few quotes about marriage that really are funny and insightful. Not fake funny like those stupid vows.
"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock." ~ Ernest Hemingway
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out." ~ Michel de Montaigne
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." ~ Winston Churchill
"There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again." ~ Clint Eastwood
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." ~ Woody Allen
"Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet." ~ Mae West
I could write ten thousand more words on marriage, the traditions, and the ever increasing costs. But because it would push me into a major depression I refuse to do it. You can thank me later. I’ve been through the marriage ringer myself and after nineteen years we failed miserably. So maybe my comments and sarcasm are reflective of that awful experience. Even so, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a risky proposition on it’s best day. To all of you heterosexuals and homosexuals I wish you the best. Those marriages that truly work are the best thing that can happen to two people in love with each other. If it doesn’t work it can also be the most traumatic nightmare ever and haunt you for years.
Good luck to you all. My best advice is to elope to Las Vegas. Save yourself a trip to bankruptcy court (no sarcasm in that statement).
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