Archive for the ‘humorous’ Tag

10/22/2022 Law Enforcement   Leave a comment

As I was rummaging through my collection of books I discovered one I forgot I had. It was buried beneath a pile of other useless information. It’s called Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader and I gave it a quick read. Being a former cop and an employee of the Maine Criminal Justice System, I tend to read things about the courts and laws before anything else and I’m glad I did. The Bathroom Reader made me aware of some strange and ridiculous laws from around the country. Here are just a few.

  • The law prohibits barbers in Omaha, Nebraska, from shaving the chests of customers.
  • In St. Louis Missouri, it’s illegal for you to drink beer out of a bucket while you’re sitting on a curb.
  • In cotton Valley, Louisiana, law forbids cows and horses from sleeping in a bakery.
  • The maximum penalty for double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, is working on a chain gang with nothing to eat but bread and water.
  • In the state of Alabama, it’s illegal to play dominoes on a Sunday.

  • In Las Vegas Nevada, it’s against the law to pawn your dentures.
  • If your 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle in Idaho Falls, Idaho.
  • In California, it’s illegal to hunt whales from your automobile. It’s also against the law to use your dirty underwear as a dust rag.
  • It’s illegal to sleep with your boots on in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
  • In Natoma, Kansas it’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

These 10 items are mild compared to some of the others I’ve seen over the years. We Americans are great at passing a law after law but very lax in eliminating silly crap like this from the rolls. I’m going to make an effort to finds a few that are even crazier than the ones you just read.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE, MY ASS

10/20/2022 **Limerick Alert**   Leave a comment

I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.

*****

There was an old lady named Crockett

Who went to put a plug in a socket.

But her hands were so wet

She flew up like a jet

And came roaring back down like a rocket.

*****

There was a young fellow named Weir,

Who hadn’t an atom of fear.

He indulged a desire

To touch a live wire

(‘Most any old line will do here!)

*****

Said a foolish young lady of Wales,

“A smell of escaped gas prevails.”

Then she searched with a light,

And later that night

Was collected in seventeen pails.

*****

A certain young man of great gumption,

‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption

To go – but alack!

He never came back,

They say ’twas a case of consumption.

*****

WELCOME BACK TO A 1960’S SENSE OF HUMOR

08/15/2022 ⚾⚾ YOGI ⚾⚾   Leave a comment

To say I am a baseball fan would be an understatement and when writing about famous orators how could I forget the man, “Yogi Berra”. For me, he’s the perfect example of what old time baseball was all about. He was a great player and manager and always made the Yankees fans proud. Weirdly enough he has since become almost as famous for his stream of hilarious quotations. Here are a few for your entertainment.

  • “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
  • “Baseball is 90% mental- the other half is physical.”
  • “Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
  • “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
  • “This is like déjà vu all over again.”

  • “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
  • “It gets late early out there.”
  • “Think! How the hell are you going to think and hit at the same time?”
  • “Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
  • When his wife asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” His response was, “Surprise me.”

THE AMBASSADOR OF BASEBALL

07/28/2022 “Looney Limericks”   Leave a comment

It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.

There was a young man of Bengal

Who went to a masquerade ball.

He dressed, just for fun,

As a hamburger bun,

And a dog ate him up in the hall.

😊😊😊

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.

She was frightened and screamed very loud.

Then a happy thought hit her

To scare off the critter,

She sat up in bed and meowed.

😊😊😊

There was an old man of Blackheath,

Who sat on his set of false teeth.

Said he, with a start!

“O Lord, bless my heart!

I’ve bitten myself underneath!”

😊😊😊

There once was a hungry old leopard

Who brought home a skinny young shepherd.

Said the leopard, “I feel

That you’ll make a good meal

Once you’re properly salted and peppered.

😊😊😊

HANG IN THERE, IT’S ALMOST FRIDAY

07/27/2022 “Grave Moments”   Leave a comment

In my younger days I spent a great deal of time in the oldest graveyards in southern Massachusetts. I did gravestone rubbings, sketches, and even a number of oil paintings. I even stretched t-shirts over gravestones, did rubbings, and sold them through a local gift shop. I had many requests from families for shirts with their family name or their favorite epithets. It seems everyone is either fascinated by graveyards or afraid of them. I’ve always loved them because of the absolute quietness. I spent many an hour curled up with a good book, under a tree, in my favorite graveyard.

Here are a few unusual and catchy tombstone epithets for your entertainment.

  • M.S. Donald Robertson, died 4 June 1848, age 63. “He was a peaceable man, and, to all appearance a sincere Christian. His death was much regretted – which was caused by the stupidity of Lawrence Tulloch of Clotherton who sold him nitre instead of Epsom salts by which he was killed in the space of three hours after taking a dose of it.” Cross Kirk, Shetland, England
  • “Sacred for the memory of Anthony Drake, who died for peace and quietness sake. His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’, so he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.” Burlington, Massachusetts
  • “Sacred to the memory of Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah, beneath these stones do lie. Back-to-back, my wife and I. When the last trumpet the air shall fill, if she gets up, I’ll just lie still.” Sargentville, Maine
  • “Beneath this stone, a lump of clay lies Arabella Young, who on the 21st of May began to hold her tongue.” Hatfield, Massachusetts
  • Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates who died August the 6th, 1800. His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street, has every qualification for a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.” Lincoln, Maine
  • “Fear God, keep the commandments, and don’t attempt to climb a tree, for that’s what caused the death of me.” Eastwell, Kent, England
  • “Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. killed by a skyrocket in my eye socket.” Frodsham, Cheshire, England

IT SEEMS A SENSE OF HUMOR LAST FOREVER

R.I.P.

07/11/2022 ☠️Deadly Limerick Alert☠️   Leave a comment

The limericks for today relate to accidents – more or less fatal. They are basically “G” rated but will certainly help you start your day with a smile. Enjoy . . .

💀💀💀

There was a young fellow named Hall,

Who fell in the spring in the Fall.

T’would have been a sad thing

If he died in the spring,

But he didn’t – he died in the fall.

💀💀💀💀

There was a young man of Herne Bay,

Who was making explosives one day.

But he dropped his cigar

In the gun powder jar.

There was a young man of Herne Bay.

💀💀💀💀

There was a wee girl named Estrella

Who owned an enormous umbrella.

Till one day in a gale

With lightning and hail

The umbrella went up with Estrella

💀💀💀💀

When a jolly young fisher named Fisher

Went fishing for fish in a fissure,

A fish, with a grin,

Pulled the fishermen in.

Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.

💀💀💀💀

IT’S MONDAY, START THE WEEK WITH A LAUGH OR A GIGGLE

07/07/2022 💥Limerick Alert💥   Leave a comment

I thought today was the perfect time for your weekly dose of limericks. Today’s selection is categorized as “Little Romances”. I hope you like them.

1941

There was a young lady of Arden,

The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.

Said she with a frown,

“I’ve been sadly let down

By the tool of a fool in a garden.”

😜😜😜

1943

I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,

I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.

She said it was crude

To be wooed in the nude,

I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.

🤣🤣🤣

1882

There was a young sailor from Brighton

Who remarked to his girl, “you’re a tight one.”

She replied, “Pon my soul,

You’re in the wrong hole.

There’s plenty of room in the right one.”

😏😏😏

1941

A lady while dining at Crewe

Found an elephant’s whang in her stew.

Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,

And don’t wave it about,

Or the others will all want one too.”

😷😷😷

HAVE A LIMERICKY DAY

06/19/2022 “Malaprops”   1 comment

I’m sure some of you know the definition of a malaprop. If not, here it is. A malaprop is the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentional amusing effect. I really didn’t know the definition or the word myself but while posting yesterday I noticed two entries that amused me. After digging around in my books I discovered the term malaprop and a number of examples I thought you might find interesting and hopefully amusing. Here they are . . .

  • Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
  • Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
  • William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
  • The book was so exciting I couldn’t finish it until I put it down.
  • The difference between a king and a president is that king is the son of his father and a president isn’t.
  • The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
  • The Magna Carta provided that no freemen should be hanged twice for the same offense.
  • Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
  • The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. Your head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
  • He saw three other people in the restaurant, and half of those were waiters.

Now you know what malaprops are. As I read them, I realized that I’ve seen samples of them many times before but never heard anyone use the term. I’m ambivalent about knowing it now and I’m almost sorry I made you aware of it. I may revisit this subject in the future or maybe not.

HAPPY MONDAY

05/24/2022 Hmmmmm!   Leave a comment

JUDGE REARRESTS LIMERICK ADDICT

After requesting limericks from readers yesterday I really didn’t expect too much of a response. Much to my surprise at 1:15 am I received the following limerick from an anonymous reader. The email was a one liner, “Here’s my favorite feminist limerick.” And here it is just as received:

There was young lady of Wheeling

Who professed a lack of sexual feeling.

But a cynic named Boris

Just touched her clitoris,

And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

I love anything that makes me laugh out loud and this limerick did. I’m not sure who exactly emailed it, but it has a definite female feel. What do you think?

And to end this post on a fun note, a happy yet stupid newspaper headline.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

(Space gas . . . who knew?)

HAVE A GREAT DAY

05/13/2022 “LL Spring Training Begins”   1 comment

This will be a short and sweet posting today. Spring/Summer has arrived with a huge bang now that the weather has turned warmer. Family obligations come first since they’re mostly about the grand kids anyway. Last evening my better-half and I attended our first little league ballgame to support our grandson. This is a league for 7–9-year-old future all-stars and it’s a real hoot to watch these kids as they try to figure the game out. Most barely know how to swing a bat, let alone having enough arm strength to throw a ball to a base. It’s getting them on the field and teaching them the beginnings of playing as part of a team. This is baseball at its absolute best. There were about 20 kids in their fabulous new T-Shirts, a host of moms and dads and brothers and sisters, and about ten million effing mosquitos to drive us all insane. That visit will keep us both in the good graces of grandson #2.

Grandson #1 will be taking the field in a day or so in a league of older kids. I can’t wait to see him at bat since I was his unofficial batting coach in his younger days. More fun baseball, more black flies, and more mosquitos. Being a baseball fan and a grandparent is almost a full-time job and we both love it.

Unfortunately, the blog will suffer a bit. I may miss a few days here and there but hopefully not too many.

BASEBALL RULES

(Except in Pittsburgh)

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