Archive for the ‘humorous’ Tag

12-29-2014 New Year Resolutions!   Leave a comment

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With New Year’s approaching I’ve begun to think about my resolutions for 2015.  In preparation for the new list it only makes sense to review last year’s resolutions.  It might be necessary to use a few of them that I failed to live up to again this year.

2014

  • Read five books a month. COMPLETED
  • Teach the grandson  one curse word per month once he begins talking. He still isn’t talking enough to complete this one. FAILURE
  • Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week. COMPLETED
  • Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year. COMPLETED
  • Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month). . . . as of 12/28/2014 $391.32. BIG FAILURE
  • Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room, it scares the neighbors.  I managed to stop the dancing but not being naked seems impossible for me. FAILURE
  • Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life. COMPLETED

Four completed out of seven seems pretty good to me but I need to improve that next year. I’d really like just once to complete all of them but I always seem to get sidetracked with other stuff.  I may need a few easy ones for 2015 that won’t require me to work so hard. With that thought in mind here is my new list.

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  • I vow to exercise for forty-one minutes every other day for the entire year.
  • I vow to call President Obama nasty names only during months with an "R" in them.
  • I further vow to never say anything good about President Obama in months without an "R".
  • I vow to never blurt out any F-Bombs in front of the grandson now that he has started repeating damn near everything.
  • I vow to say many more F-Bombs around those people (except the grandson) who irritate, annoy or piss me off.
  • I vow to stop flirting with just anyone.  There are times when I feel like such a slut and that’s not always a good thing for my self esteem.
  • For the third year in a row I vow not to prance naked anywhere near the front picture window.  It creeps out the neighbors and one or two of our regular joggers.
  • I also vow not to screw with my cat as much this year due to his advanced age and sharp claws.
  • I vow to take at least 500 really good photographs a month.

I’ll do my first review of these new resolutions sometime in June.  Hopefully I’ll be on track to complete every one for the first time.  As always the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

04-27-2014 People, Duct Tape and Lake Sharks!!!   2 comments

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People are strange. The things they do are strange, puzzling, amazing, and sometimes truly stupid. Today is just a day of musings and questions.  There doesn’t seem to be logical answers for some of the things I see and hear every day.

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I was shopping recently and discovered something odd and surprising.  I found a rack of "duct tape" for sale in many and varied colors and patterns.  There was some with  tiger stripes and another covered with green shamrocks. Cool right? What’s the effing point?

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My first reaction was why fancy duct tape?, and is it really "duct tape" or it is just "duck tape". I was always sure it was "duct tape" until I saw a recent TV commercial selling "Duck Tape".  It looked the same as the good old standby stuff  but it had a flashy and cool cartoon duck as it’s logo.  So what do  I ask for at Home Deport?  Where do I find the Duck Tape? I’m then forced to deal with that stupid blank stare you get when one of their employees has no clue. Most people love duct tape and use it for damn near everything.  But why? That leads me into my next unanswered question.

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Have you ever skydived?  Everyone knows that it’s one of those things that’s just so damn exciting and dangerous that everyone says they’d like to try it.  I thought that at one time years ago and set out to try it myself.  I spent a portion part of a day being trained on how to jump out of a plane.  Stand in the door, look down, pee your pants , and jump . . . asshole.  It wasn’t a college course but it was required by our local politicians and insurance companies before you do something stupid. That way everyone is protected if and when you hit the ground at full speed. I went up, jumped, came back down and rode an adrenaline high for hours.  Just guess what the two things my memory has retained about that entire experience. The first thing was something I noticed as I climbed into one of the worst looking aircraft on earth. The entire interior surface of the plane was covered in duct tape (not duck tape).  It looked like the pilot preferred using duct tape instead of doing regular maintenance.  I thought at the time this was done specifically to help motivate idiots like me to jump out of that freaking death trap.  It was apparently done so you didn’t snag anything like your chute as you moved to the open door to jump. Silly me.

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The second thing that stuck with me was the young blond Scandinavian women with the tight purple skydiving outfit who was hanging around the airfield that day.  After my extensive two hours of training she approached me with a business proposition.  She offered to skydive with me wearing a camera helmet and to tape my entire jump from start to finish for only $150.00.  She was extremely hot and I wanted to appear courageous so I signed up and gave her the cash.  She slithered into the plane with us and sat across from me all smiles and moist hotness.  During the flight to 14,0000 feet I fantasized about first doing the jump, surviving, and then possibly jumping her later. I knew I’d need help  to drain away all of  that excess adrenaline and she could certainly take care of that. That fantasy ended rather quickly when she cut the loudest and most disgusting fart I’ve ever heard, looked at me and smiled.  Even the pilot of the little two seater turned around to see what all the noise was about.  It took a few hours to get that stench out of my nostrils and it was just the additional motivation I needed to get the hell out that plane.  She took a pretty good video of me on the way down and strutted away from the landing never to be seen again. Those are my two main memories of that day, duct tape (not duck tape) and blond bombshell farts. What a life.

My last inquiry into people calls into question their ability to recognize and identify when someone is feeding them a line of BS.  As I’ve mentioned in the past, in another lifetime I was a state police officer in Pennsylvania.  One of the downsides to being a rookie cop is being stuck with all of the crap traffic details the more senior officers don’t want to do.  There’s a state park called Moraine Lake near Butler, Pennsylvania that is a huge tourist draw during the summer months.  Unfortunately the only entrance and exit to the public beaches is from a nearby interstate highway.  It became so congested at times on Saturdays that the backed up traffic would become a public hazard.  This required a few of us rookies to spend our day standing in the hot sun telling citizens to keep moving because the beaches were full and there was no place to park. This required them to drive five additional miles to the next exit just so they could turn around and drive back for another try.  There weren’t  many happy folks after that and on a normal Saturday the station would receive hundreds of complaint calls from pissed off beach goers.

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On one specific Saturday I was sent out to the park in mid afternoon after traffic had already been rerouted for hours. There was a veteran cop there which was unusual and he seemed to be in charge. I found out later he was there on a punishment detail for some infraction he’d committed a few days before.  For the first time in history there were almost no complaint calls being received at the station.  I found out why just after my arrival  at the park. That veteran officer was telling each and every car that came by that "there were sharks found in the lake and the beaches were closed, keep moving please."  Not one person questioned him or called the station  to verify his story. The funniest thing was the rumor about lake sharks being mentioned in a local newspaper the next day. I was amazed then and still am. 

That’s it….I just had to ask these question and I honestly never expected a reasonable answer to any of them.

04-11-2014 Cellular Love & Marriage   1 comment

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I consistently ask myself questions about the things I see.  It’s not that I’m seeing these things that bothers me, it’s that I don’t entirely understand what I’m seeing.  One of the things that confuses me the most are the situations I see developing these days between people and their cell phones.

I’ll try to explain clearly where I’m coming from in order to keep any confusion to a minimum. After being held hostage by Verizon Wireless for the last seven years I made the bold move of dumping their service and stepping back three or four technological paces to something far simpler and inexpensive. I won’t get into the particulars except to say I’ve cut my monthly costs by 70%.  I don’t want you to think I hate cell phones because I don’t.  What I do hate is the unhealthy hold those devices seem to have on such a large portion of our population.

Next, I need to state emphatically my total and complete support for both heterosexual and homosexual marriages.  No, my mind isn’t wandering but hang in there a moment or two until I explain.  I object strongly to the new wave of intimate relationships I’m observing between humans and cellphones. It’s becoming a little embarrassing to see these phones being cuddled and stroked by both men and women in public places. It’s a bit disgusting. 

People buying their phones cutesy little bejeweled outfits in a variety of colored covers to keep things from getting too boring.  Even the kids are getting into the act with little or no parental oversight.  Sitting along in their rooms at night talking quietly on the phone, roaming the Internet until all  hours of the morning, and posting "selfies" to the world that would in some cases make a porn star blush.

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Those phones are coddled and babied and remain all snuggly in a pocket or purse held tightly next to the heart (or other body parts) of their owners.  I know many women and even a few men who would like nothing better than to have a large device vibrating in their pocket.  People just can’t seem to keep their hands off their phones and don’t even try. What’s next?  The formation of political special interest groups to promote our freedom to marry our cellphones?  Don’t laugh, as weird as things are these days,  it could happen. 

Cell phone ownership is becoming almost as intimate as a marriage.  First you need to find that “soulmate” or should I say “cell-mate”.  It must be attractive and shapely and have all of those attributes you’re looking for.  Once you’ve found that perfect match then your required to enter into a contract for a two year period.  Very similar to a marriage license if you ask me but with one additional advantage.  When your cell-mate gets a little older, all scratched up, and the battery starts to fail you can dump it and sign up for an upgrade. If you dare decide to end the relationship before the contract is up your forced to pay and pay dearly for that right.  Sounds just like a divorce I managed to survive twenty years ago.

I guess I just haven’t met my true "cell-mate" yet.  I suppose it will happen all of a sudden like a lightning bolt and I’ll be lost forever in that wonderful haze of first love, sexting something juicy for the first time, or sending an HD photo of some of my body parts to people who don’t want to see them.

You just gotta love those cell-phones.  Right Lovey.

04-01-2014 A-Holeistic Quotes   2 comments

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Look! It’s A-Hole.

Well, I’m finally back.  I have to confess I was surprised just how much I missed my daily blogging.  My other project progressed more in this short eight weeks than I was able to accomplish in the previous year, making my time away well spent.

My life continues as before but things never seem to stop changing.  My better-half continues to drive me crazy, the cat still annoys me at times, and the grandson is just minutes away from talking.  I suspect after watching him closely for all these months that once he starts talking he won’t be able to stop and I can’t wait. I consider it quite a privilege and one I intend to make the most of.

I’ve been trying to decide what I should write about on my return.  I thought I should probably fall back to my cynical roots and supply you with a selection of quotations unlike any you may have seen before. Normally quotes are meant to be uplifting and to give us faith in the past and hope for the future. These do not.  These quotes celebrate the sarcastic, the glib, and the smart asses of world. Enjoy . . .

“You can tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.” Anonymous

“There is nothing wrong with Hollywood that six first-class funerals wouldn’t solve.” Anonymous

“Religion is excellent stuff for keeping the common people quite.” Napoleon Bonaparte

“He is the kind of politician who would cut down the redwood tree, then mount the stump for a conservation speech.” Adlai Stevenson

“On being asked to describe Hollywood – Can a fish describe the murky water in which it swims?” Albert Einstein

“After coming in contact with a religious man I always feel that I must wash my hands.” Frederick Nietzsche, "The  Antichrist" (1888)

“This is a back-stabbing, scum sucking, small minded town.” Roseanne Arnold "Hollywood Reporter" (1990)

About: Elvis Costello born 1955
“Looks like Buddy Holly after drinking a can of STP Oil Treatment.” Dave Marsh, "Rolling Stone Magazine"

About: Marie Osmond born 1959
“She is so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.” Joan Rivers

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” May West

“Not only is there no God, try getting a plumber on weekends.” Woody Allen

“You don’t have to think too hard when you talk to a teacher.” JD Salinger

I’ve heard these kind of quotes called any number of things including poisonous, mean, or nasty.  I’ve come up with my own term: A-holeistic. My cynical self has returned to the blog and I’m feeling just fine.

Sporadic blogging will continue.

02-02-2014 Happy Ground Hog Day!   2 comments

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.  ~Bill Vaughn

Today is one of my favorite stupid and senseless holidays.  It’s one that was cooked up by a bunch of German immigrants  from Pennsylvania many years ago.  As I’ve explained in years past, I’ve had an up-close and personal relationship with “Phil” and all of the nonsense that takes place in Punxatawney, PA.

It’s a tongue-in-cheek celebration to the entire world except for a few idiot local politician’s looking to get some face-time on the news.  Even a groundhog is smart enough to know that there’ll be six more weeks of winter when it’s only freaking February.

As I surfed around today I found a web page that must be having a really slow month when it published the following  list of eleven reasons why we should be celebrating this auspicious occasion.

11. It’s on nearly every calendar.

10. Helps relieve cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it’s six weeks till St Urho’s Day.

8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.

6. Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.

4. As they used to say on radio: “The Shadow knows”.

3. It’s fun to say “Punxsutawney”.

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.

1. In Minnesota, either way we come out ahead.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.  ~Maori Proverb

I apologize if you nodded off midway through that list.  I’m not saying I could have done better but OMG.  I think the author might have reconsidered that list when both of his hands fell asleep as he typed it. They were that bored. It is just a real yawner . . . . .

“The trouble with weather forecasting is that it’s right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.”  ~Patrick Young

I know that many of you think Groundhog Day is lame but this year the impossible finally happened to make it unlame.  Some NFL genius scheduled the Superbowl on Ground Hog Day just so they could steal some of good old “Punxatawney Phil’s” thunder. It’s just those damn sports fanatics attempting to glom on to Phil’s fan base. Just a shameless maneuver on their part.

HAPPY GROUND HOG DAY EVERYONE

SEATTLE RULES!!

12-04-2013 New Year’s Resolution’s   Leave a comment

Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search  the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.

Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t.  Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.

  • I will do my homework in time.
  • I will sleep in time.
  • I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
  • I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
  • I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
  • I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
  • I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
  • I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
  • I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!

You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it.   I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.

1.  This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.

2.  I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.

3.  This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.

4.  I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.

Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013.  I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them.  Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.

1.  Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED

2.   Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED

3.   Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED

4.   Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.  FAILED

5.   Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.  FAILED

6.   Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole  more than twenty times a week.  FAILED

7.   Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED

8.   Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED

9.  Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED

10.  Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED

It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes  may be required. See what you think about these.

(Draft Only)

1.  Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.

2.  Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).

3.  Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).

4.  Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.

5.  Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.

6.  Start smoking to lose weight.

7.  Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.

8.  Buy larger clothes.

9.  Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.

10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.

Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though,  it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year.  It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have.  Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.

10-08-2013   Leave a comment

I have to admit to being just like every other man when when it comes to sex.  We approach sex quite differently than our female counterparts and for that I’m grateful.  It’s that difference that makes the sparks fly and the interesting things begin to happen.  Unfortunately it’s also that difference that causes most of the problems in relationships and most of the divorces as well.

We enjoy talking about sex almost as much as we enjoy doing it.  Man to man, women to woman, but almost no-one ever crosses that gender barrier.  For the men they can exaggerate, lie, and say whatever they want to their buddies who have no way of verifying any of it.  Between women it appears to be somewhat different with more feelings, emotions, and over-thinking that most men aren’t prepared to deal with.  I personally think that women BS each other just as much as the men but tend to believe each other more.  Men know they’re being lied too and expect that.  It’s a basic part of male bonding.  Women seem to trust each other completely when it comes to comparing men. Why?  I have no clue.  If you want that answer ask a women.

I love hearing people talk about sex and that includes celebrities and other members of the elite class who think they’re so much smarted than the rest of us. I specifically searched for quotations on sex that were humorous and ridiculous. If I suddenly have someone telling me the truth about sex I wouldn’t know the difference anyway.  Here they are, have a laugh or two.

  • "My girlfriend always laughs during sex –no matter what she’s reading."
    Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
  • "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
    Tom Clancy
  • "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
    Steve Martin
  • "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand."
    Woody Allen
  • "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
    Rodney Dangerfield
  • "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    George Burns
  • "There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked."
    Jerry Seinfeld
  • "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
    Robin Williams
  • "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
    Billy Crystal
  • "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
    Robert De Niro
  • "An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."
    Aldous Huxley
  • "When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
    Frederike Ryder

Now you know everything you need to know about sex straight from the mouths of these Hollywood experts.  I’m glad they weren’t around during my formative years or I would have been more confused about sex than I actually was.  As you can also see there are no quotations from women listed here. Sorry ladies but I couldn’t find any that added much to the conversation.  If you find any please forward them along, I’m really and truthfully interested.

09-07-2013   Leave a comment

I like many others have been married and divorced.  It’s truly a painful process but with just about fifty percent of marriages doomed to failure it’s an experience millions of people must deal with.  Unfortunately the collateral damage from a divorce extends to the children.  It’s difficult to find many children who aren’t touched by divorce in some fashion or another these days. 

As sympathetic as I am to their plight, I actually think that keeping a marriage together for the children is a mistake.  Having them be a witness to the down and dirty fighting between their parents and then further manipulation by both parents for custody rights is the worst.  Those kind of scars last a lifetime.

Kids are much more resilient than adults think and can adapt to changing circumstances fairly quickly.  The following children were asked to speak on the subject of marriage.  As always kids speak their mind in a clear and concise manner regardless of the subject.

* * * 

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. – Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.    – Kirsten, age 10

What is the best age to marry?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. – Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.               – Freddie, age 6

How can you tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. – Derrick, age 8

What do your Mom and Dad have in common?

Both don’t want any more kids. – Lori, age 8

What do people do on dates?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.                    – Linette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. – Martin, age 10

What would you do on a bad first date?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. – Craig, age 9

When is it OK to kiss someone?

When they’re rich. – Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. – Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. – Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if there was no marriages?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

How would you make your marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. – Rick, age 10

* * *

It’s always refreshing for me to read essays, stories, and remarks made by the kids.  They’re able to cut through the BS and answer questions based on their bits and pieces of  limited knowledge.  It gives me hope for the future.

08-20-2013   Leave a comment

I love supplying all of you with tons of useless trivia but today I think I’ll change things up a little.  I’ll be asking the questions and hopefully some of you will supply the correct answers.

We’ve all been raised sitting in front of the television and I don’t see that lessening any time soon.  With the addition of smartphones and tablets it should increase every year for the foreseeable future.

With that in mind I’m supply you with twenty trivia questions concerning television over the last fifty years.  Let’s see just how well you can do with them.  I’ll supply the answers tomorrow and you can see just how well or how badly you’ve done. Lets begin.

* * *

  1. What are the names of the two old codgers who wisecrack from their box seats on the Muppet Show?
  2. What was Johnny Carson’s famous reply when a reporter asked what he would his epithet to be?
  3. What 1949 television program was the very first coast-to-coast network show?
  4. Who played Beau Maverick on the TV western comedy series Maverick?
  5. What were the only words spoken by Clarabell the clown on the Howdy Doody Show?
  6. What was the address of Big Birds nest on TV’s Sesame Street?
  7. What popular stand-up comic turned down the role of Trapper John McIntyre in the TV sitcom M*A*S*H before Wayne Rogers signed on for the part?
  8. How many opening monologues did Johnny Carson deliver during his 30 years as host of the Tonight Show?
  9. What role did Art Carney play in Jackie Gleason’s very first Honeymooners sketch?

10.  Who was the first mystery guest to appear on the TV quiz show What’s My Line in 1950?

11.  What TV sitcom family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?

12.  What was the theme song Jack Benny played off-key on his violin?

13.  What character actress provides the voice of mother Marge on TVs animated sitcom The Simpsons?

14.  What car did TVs Archie Bunker recall fondly in “Those Were the Days”, the theme song of the sitcom All in the Family?

15.  On what TV show did Robert Guillaume first portray the sharp-witted, sharp-tongued butler Benson?

16.  Who played Kato, the faithful Philippine valet-chauffeur, on the TV show The Green Hornet?

17.  Who portrayed Arnold Ziffel on Green Acres, the late 1960s TV sitcom that starred Eddie Albert and Eva Gabor?

18.  How many cases did Perry Mason lose in the nine seasons Raymond Burr appeared on TV as the ace defensive lawyer?

19.  What were the names of the three sons in the TV sitcom My Three Sons, which featured Fred Mc Murray as widower Steve Douglas?

20. What is the meaning of kemo sabe the words Tonto used to address the Lone Ranger?

Bonus Question (Worth 2 Points): What actress’s unpublished home telephone number did comedienne Joan Rivers give out on national TV in 1986 when she was hosting The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers?

So how do you think you did? I won’t tell you my score because it sucked.  I thought I knew a lot but once again I may have been mistaken.  The answers will follow tomorrow.