Archive for the ‘fall’ Tag

08-31-2013   Leave a comment

Since today is Sunday and a day of rest for many of you, I thought a few miscellaneous items and a little humor might be the thing to do.  It’s a late Summer’s day on a holiday weekend that begins to prepare us for what’s coming, SNOW.

My better-half and I are looking forward to the upcoming Fryeburg Fair which we attend every year. It’s a huge gathering of every farmer and their livestock from across the country.  This year will be the first visit for her new grandson and she can’t wait to drag his little butt there to look at the pigs.  As I’ve mentioned previously my better-half has something of a pig fetish.  We’ll spend between eight and ten hours eating terribly unhealthy food, walking miles and miles through huge crowds, and attending the Pig Scramble and Woodsman contests.  I know it sounds a little lame but it really isn’t.  It’s one of the few things we both enjoy a great deal.

We’re also looking forward to taking hundreds of photographs of the Fall season whose beauty never ceases to amaze.  Actually Fall has slowly over the years become my favorite time of the year.  We’ll have the harvest season, Fall foliage, and many small local fairs to visit on most weekends. You can say what you want but small local fairs are the best. It will again be a great time for our family and friends.

My first item today is a joke I stumbled on recently. It is laugh-out-loud funny and I hope you enjoy it.

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In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’ s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

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I would also like to take a few minutes to thank these new followers to this blog.  I include their links as well and I hope you give their blogs a look-see and enjoy reading them as much as I do. Thanks to them all.

Eric Carlson, Karen Ellis, dmmd1983, L-Jay Health, What Happens to Us, mr688475, growupproper, mychangeviews, Nate Ollie, adoptingjames, Rein, jasminekeclipse, projectlighttolife, Gabriel Lucatero.

HAVE A GREAT LABOR DAY WEEKEND

11-02-2012   4 comments

Did you ever have one of those days where no matter what you tried to do, it just had no pizazz.  That’s today for me unfortunately.  It’s gray, dreary, and just cold enough to force me into wearing my winter apparel.  Then I walk outside, take about twenty steps and all of a sudden I’ve sweated through my shirt. Then off comes the jacket and once again I’m freezing my ass off.  It’s simply a no win situation with the cold or flu lurking in my near future. My decision is to be as lazy as possible and not work up a sweat of any kind.

I love the fall but it does have certain drawbacks.  They are called LEAVES.  I love Mother Nature and I love living in a rural wooded area but OMG the effing leaves.  For years I’ve raked those bastard leaves into piles large enough to hide my car behind.  Then I get to rake them again onto a huge tarp and attempt to drag them into the nearby woods.  Saying that raking leaves sucks just doesn’t cover it.

A few years ago I lived in an area where burning leaves wasn’t permitted and most people were required to bag them and set them at the curb.  If I did that now it would cost me  a freaking fortune for bags and a week to fill them and stack them along the road.  The town would be obliged to bring their entire fleet of trucks to cart them away and then later try in their slick governmental way to make me pay a fee.  It’s just one of the few things governments do really well.  They love to interfere with your life whenever possible and then work extremely hard to take money from you.

I decided this year I would win the battle with Mother Nature by becoming mechanized.  I made the grand purchase of a riding mower with a grass collector figuring it would also be a great leaf cleaner-upper. Wrong again.  It turned out to be a hugely expensive, red, leaf blower.  For every leaf it sucked up, it threw three hundred into the air where Mother Nature could redistribute them around the yard.  After my fourth pass, becoming more pissed off with each pass, I parked that mother and went inside for a cup of coffee.

After a half hour of quiet meditation to lower my blood pressure, I had another cup of my terrible coffee, and also an epiphany.  A leaf solution came to me out of the blue and as always it was perfectly simple.  All I had to do was pray for a week of high winds and  rain storms that would blow most of the leaves into my neighbors yard.  Any that were left after that would be allowed to stay right where they are until Spring. Problem solved!

So I’m off to visit my better-half who is happily slaving away for “The Man”.  I think I can convince her in my charming way  to eat some Chinese food for lunch and if I’m lucky she’ll get to pay the tab too.  Things are looking up and screw the freaking leaves.

Posted November 4, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Useless Crap

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