Archive for the ‘joke’ Tag
Over the years I’ve consistently stated that I was not a fan of organized religions. You can disagree or agree, that’s your privilege. I also don’t participate in religious holiday celebrations either. That being said, I know many of you do. Here is my contribution this year to add to your holiday cheer. We always need a little humor thrown into the mix.
Robert just graduated with a degree in Clinical Psychology and opened his first office. After some successful advertising he was astounded to have nearly 200 people wanting to be in group therapy. Robert decided to rent a large hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, he decided to ask for a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asked for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asked, how many had sex once a week. This time a larger number of hands were raised. Robert then asked how many had sex once or twice a month. Again a few hands were raised. After he polled his group several more times, he noticed John sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. He also noticed that John had never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. John stated proudly, “Once a year!” Robert then responded, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year??” John smiling from ear-to-ear responded, “Tonight’s the night!”
HAPPY EASTER!
Like this:
Like Loading...
Three garbage men were doing their Christmas rounds and collecting their well-earned Xmas tips and gifts from the grateful householders when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.
The first garbage collector went up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in very revealing attire, who said, “Oh yes, I know what you want!” as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him.
A short while later he returned bedraggled to the garbage truck and told his colleague what had happened.
His mate like the idea of some of that so he went to the house where once again the lady appeared, this time in even more revealing attire. “Oh yes, I know what you want!” she said as she dragged him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well.
Afterwards, he also returned bedraggled to the lorry and told the driver what had happened.
“Hmmm, I’ll have a bit of that!” thought the driver and walked up to the house. The lady opened the door and gave him $5. “Hey!” said the driver, “What about the fun and games you gave my colleagues?” Oh that,” said the woman “You can blame my husband for that.” “What’s he got to do with it?” asked the driver.
The lady answered, “Well, he said to give $5 to the driver and screw the other two.”
4 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
HO! HO! HO!
Like this:
Like Loading...
Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable. “Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”
She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”
The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?” Santa says, “Hey, Hey, Hey, might as well stay. I can’t shimmy up the chimney looking this way!”
7 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Like this:
Like Loading...
I found this joke on line and couldn’t resist sharing it with you:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may also pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”
23 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Like this:
Like Loading...
More aches and pains as the garden begins to take shape. I’m trying to do as much work on it as I possibly can as early as I can. Last years efforts were almost ruined because I waited until the last minute to do much of the small things that are necessary. Learning from my mistakes is absolutely essential if I’m to have the garden I want.
Yesterday was another chilly morning but I was up and at it earlier than usual. I picked up my supplies the day before from Home Depot, the only store in the area that carried the type of fencing I needed. Here is the before photo on the newly completed frame without the fencing.
The fencing is made for controlling small animals such as rabbits and skunks which are my main problem. We have larger game in the area but they’ve never ben a problem for me. Fortunately I have a nearby neighbor with fruit trees and the deer love their fruit. The insist on visiting him on a regular basis and leaving me alone.
After an hour or so of cursing and swearing my job was completed. That should keep the little buggers out of the garden this year. I really dislike killing any animals so the cost of the fence is worth it to keep me guilt free. Here’s the photo of the completed fence.
If the weather warms up a little in the coming days I can drag out my rototiller to loosen up the soil. Then I can lay down the fabric into the frames which eliminates weeding completely because I hate weeding.
How about a little garden humor to start your day . . .
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so,” she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
Here’s a salute to everyone’s favorite redneck gardener, Jeff Foxworthy . . .
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If:
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
You don’t water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You’ve even cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You can amuse yourself for more that an hour with a hose.
You’ve been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
And finally here is a cute limerick which any Maine gardener will appreciate . . .
I ordered some new bulbs by mail
and tried to grow orchids large scale
exotics won’t grow
under three feet of snow
or battered with blizzards and hail!
C’MON WARM WEATHER
Like this:
Like Loading...
This winter weather here in Maine remains fickle. Fifty degrees one day, then fog the next, ten degrees the third day, and freezing rain and black ice the next. I’ve pretty much given up listening the the forecasters because they apparently don’t have much of a clue either.
With February almost gone we’re within six weeks or so from seeing winter start to fade away. Overall it’s been one of the better winters since I moved to Maine. Temperatures were mild up until Christmas and we’ve only had one snow storm worth mentioning. Without a doubt the best part is how much money we’ve saved on home heating oil. Warmer temperatures and a serious drop in price from $3.40 a gallon to a $1.35 have kept a smile on our faces all winter. We’ll probably end up saving between five and eight hundred dollars in heating costs this season.
We took a ride through the surrounding area last week just to see what was happening. As always here in Maine we stumbled on wild turkeys a number of times. With most of the snow cover already melting they’re able to feed in more locations than usual. Here they are . . .
Maybe they’re the true harbingers of Spring and not that dumbass gopher in Pennsylvania.
With the rediscovery of my creative juices I’ve been working on two projects steadily for the last week. I’ve finished one and in another few days I’ll finish another. I won’t post too much of either until they’re both complete. Here’s a shot of a two square inch portion of the first. It’s a little strange but that’s how I roll.
Just for a laugh I thought I’d send out a truly tasteless joke. It made me laugh out loud for some reason but it’s sure to irritate a few of the ladies out there. That’s too bad . . . but here it is anyway.
A women went to apply for a job as a truck driver. Not too keen on the idea, the personnel manager for the trucking company said, “You have to be pretty tough to cut it as a truck driver, you know.” I’m tough, I really am,” said the eager applicant. “Well, do you smoke and drink?” “Yes of course.” “Do you cuss a lot?” asked the interviewer. “You bet you asshole, “ said the woman. “I cuss like a lumberjack.” “So have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” “Well, no,” she admitted, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits a couple of times.”
Please no moaning . . . everyone needs a dirty joke once in a while even if it is a little corny.
C’MON SPRING
Like this:
Like Loading...
It’s time for all of you sports experts out there to find out how well or how badly you’ve done? Here are the promised answers that I intend to memorize for my own uses in our local tavern’s weekly trivia contest. One of these days these factoids will finally pay off and win me a beer or two or three.
* * *
1. The referee’s yellow flag. Taylor said he felt he deserved it because the ref’s “ threw it against me” often enough.
2. Tennis, at the 1900 games in Paris. Charlotte Cooper of Great Britain was the first gold medalist.
3. New York Giant knuckleballer week Hoyt Wilhelm, in 1952.
4. Jim Thorpe, in 1970. He did it a second time in 1919. Deion Sanders was the second athlete to accomplish the feat 70 years later, in 1989.
5. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with 4657. Other career records he holds include number of minutes played (57,446), points scored (38,387), and field goals scored (15,837). He played from 1969 to 1989.
6. O.J. Simpson, who racked up 2003 yards for Buffalo in 1973, breaking the previous record of 1863 yards set 10 years earlier by Jim Brown.
7. Five.
8. The red brick tenement that was his boyhood home once stood on the site of second base at Cincinnati’s Riverfront Stadium.
9. Rookie Willie Mays.
10. “Little Warrior”. O’Neal is 7’1" tall.
* * *
Here’s the obligatory joke of the day. Those of us who are historically Microsoft customers will really appreciate this.
* * *
Microsoft vs. General Motors
A few years ago at a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
-
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
-
Every time they repaint the lines in the road, you’ll have to buy a new car.
-
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
-
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
-
Apple Inc. will make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
-
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
-
The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
-
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
-
Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
* * *
And finally for those of you that love limericks and beer, here’s a rather tame one proving once and for all that it’s possible for limericks to be funny without being too filthy.
There once was a girl named Ann Heuser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
Like this:
Like Loading...
Why are farts and farting so funny? I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree. As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).
Yesterday was a good example. I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff. I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes. About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes. If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming. I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time. She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been a red flag for me and quickly walked away. I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds. The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.
My father would have been so proud of her. He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away. His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate. He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped. He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.
I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism. I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge. It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.
You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables. I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine. I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay my trap. An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone. I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately. I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her. She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth. I freaking loved it.
You have to admit, that was damn funny. I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off. He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites. Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:
Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Have a wonderful day and be careful out there. You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.
Like this:
Like Loading...
Since today is Sunday and a day of rest for many of you, I thought a few miscellaneous items and a little humor might be the thing to do. It’s a late Summer’s day on a holiday weekend that begins to prepare us for what’s coming, SNOW.
My better-half and I are looking forward to the upcoming Fryeburg Fair which we attend every year. It’s a huge gathering of every farmer and their livestock from across the country. This year will be the first visit for her new grandson and she can’t wait to drag his little butt there to look at the pigs. As I’ve mentioned previously my better-half has something of a pig fetish. We’ll spend between eight and ten hours eating terribly unhealthy food, walking miles and miles through huge crowds, and attending the Pig Scramble and Woodsman contests. I know it sounds a little lame but it really isn’t. It’s one of the few things we both enjoy a great deal.
We’re also looking forward to taking hundreds of photographs of the Fall season whose beauty never ceases to amaze. Actually Fall has slowly over the years become my favorite time of the year. We’ll have the harvest season, Fall foliage, and many small local fairs to visit on most weekends. You can say what you want but small local fairs are the best. It will again be a great time for our family and friends.
My first item today is a joke I stumbled on recently. It is laugh-out-loud funny and I hope you enjoy it.
* * *
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’ s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
* * *
I would also like to take a few minutes to thank these new followers to this blog. I include their links as well and I hope you give their blogs a look-see and enjoy reading them as much as I do. Thanks to them all.
Eric Carlson, Karen Ellis, dmmd1983, L-Jay Health, What Happens to Us, mr688475, growupproper, mychangeviews, Nate Ollie, adoptingjames, Rein, jasminekeclipse, projectlighttolife, Gabriel Lucatero.
HAVE A GREAT LABOR DAY WEEKEND
Like this:
Like Loading...
It feels like a good day for a journal entry. As the summer winds down my better-half and I have been very busy with the garden and the canning of everything possible. Even though the weather’s been a little strange at times this summer overall it’s still been very productive.
I’ve been forced to work very hard this week due to the subpar garden fabric I purchased at Home Depot earlier his year. Because of the failure of the fabric to eliminate the ever present weeds I’m now faced with several days of back breaking work to clean up weeds and begin to remove plants that have run their course. I worked on my hands and knees for three hours removing weeds and pieces of surviving fabric and being ever so careful not to damage the hot pepper plants that are still producing. I have a small trailer for my lawn tractor and I filled it twice with weeds in almost no time.
The Cayenne, Serrano, and bell peppers are still going strong and should continue for a few more weeks. The cold nights aren’t helping but what can I do? I’ve removed fifty percent of the cucumber plants because we are becoming overwhelmed with them. I canned more than forty pints of hot Bread & Butter pickles and could have done at least that many more. Truthfully I ‘m just tired of looking at them. I found myself dreaming about pickles a couple of recent nights which was a little disturbing to say the least. I’ve taken three handful of rhubarb seeds and planted an area behind the house with them. If we’re lucky next spring might bring us an entire new patch of rhubarb. The plants from last year have done well and next summer we’ll be making some killer strawberry-rhubarb jam.
I’m really tired of this weeding. I’ll need to check with a nearby friend for advice on what fabric to buy for next year. I don’t plan on ever doing this again even if it cost me a few additional dollars.
We’ve successfully filled the larder with pickles, relishes, herb flavored vinegars, vegetable mixes (for stir-fry’s), spicy pasta sauce, salsa (2 large batches), and three batches of jams. We spent one recent day at our favorite blackberry patch and within a half hour collected close to three quarts of blackberries. The triple-berry jam recipe is to die for and we’ll now have more than enough for the winter and as gifts for friends. I might even consider a small batch of black berry wine if we have enough berries.
All in all a very successful summer. We’ve now started winding down in preparation for winter and it already feels like Fall and it’s still only August. I’m planning on rebuilding a portion of the garden and changing things around a little. Then it’s soil preparation, fertilizing, and waiting for the snow to fly.
I’d like to chat further but I’ve got more work to do before my better-half gets home from work.
* * *
Just as an afterthought here’s a little something I just received from my sister. It made me laugh out loud and that’s always a good thing. Enjoy.
HOW IS NORMA?
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing ?"
The operator said,
"I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient ?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied,
"You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter ?"
The grandmother said,
"No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
Like this:
Like Loading...
everyuselessthing.com 