Are you old? Let me rephrase that. Do you think you’re old? That’s the question everyone knows is coming but nobody wants to deal with. Unfortunately most people who are old know it but again refuse to deal with the reality. Some people just can’t get past the fact that there isn’t one damn thing they can do to combat it. Plastic surgery works for some but eventually you’ll end up looking like a really silly cartoon character. Many have paid for a new young face, fake hair, fake boobs, butt implants, and still insist on wearing old people clothing. Old folks never quite get the hang of dressing properly because they keep sliding “fashion backward” to a time when they were young. They mistakenly think it still looks cool.
Well I’m not complaining about any of those things just willing to pass along some others you should be looking for if you’re worried about getting old. I’m old, I know I’m old, and I went through this list myself just for laughs. I’m not laughing now. In my head I’m thirty years old but this list kicked my elderly ass. If you are experiencing 50% of the things on this list you ARE really old. Have fun . . .
- Your kids are becoming you and you don’t like them very much.
- Going out is okay but coming home is better.
- You forget names but it’s okay since no one remembers you either.
- Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.
- The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
- You spend a good deal of your day looking for things you hid so you wouldn’t lose them.
- You can’t use more four letter words i.e. what?, when?, and where?
- You notice everything sold in stores is “sleeveless”.
- What used to be freckles are now age spots.
- You constantly call your children and grandchildren for help with your computer.
- You have three sizes of clothing in your closet (fat, fatter, and fattest) two of which you will never wear again.
- You find yourself spending a great deal of time trying to have conversations with Alexa.
- All of your favorite songs are now only heard in TV commercials.
- You find yourself trying to remember what stories you told one person.
- You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.
Well how have you fared? Now that you’ve received a second opinion verifying what you already knew, welcome to old age. I’ve been here for a while waiting for all of you to arrive. Just between us, in a few days you won’t remember any of this anyway. I have to go now, it’s 3:30 PM and time for dinner at the IHOP. There’s a 10% discount for old farts so don’t forget your mask and your AARP membership card.
BOOMERS RULE
(Sarcasm Off)
I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
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HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
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