Today I’m concentrating on hair. Not the lack of it but the overall abundance of it. I discovered as I aged with the help of certain women that hair is almost as important to them as penis size. The trends these days for men seem to be the metrosexual look, the less hair the better except of course for the hair on the head.
As I began to lose my hair a few years back I was actually traumatized by it for a while. As the hair slowly faded away a strange thing happened, I felt an odd freedom. I swore then and there I would never become that guy with a bald head and a fringe around the bottom. When the time came I didn’t hesitate to rid myself of all my head hair once and for all. No more freaking haircuts, no more hair products, and no more competing with other men for style points. I thought I was home free from hair issues but once again I was wrong.
This isn’t me . . just so you know.
Soon I met and fell head-over-heels for Miss Right. After dating for months she informed me in no uncertain terms that I had way too much hair everywhere on my body. Trust me, I’m not a very hairy guy and I thought at first she was just messing with me. I found out later she wasn’t. My ear hair was found to be too untidy and too long. My eyebrows were too bushy and too unkempt. Hair on my chest and arms needed constant trimming and I wouldn’t even mention the pubic hair discussions we had.
It became a day-to-day battle between us because the constant inspections were making my hands all sweaty. I felt like I was back in the Army. Then came the night of too much drinking, too much laughing, and too much schnapps. While under the influence of alcohol I agreed to certain hair removal requests and told her I would take care of the hair maintenance issues in the morning. And then went to bed and fell into what was a deep alcohol-induced dream-state. Upon waking in the morning I discovered that while I was dreaming she had been clipping. I was brought into the 21st century, hairless, with a whimper and not a bang.
The battle continues to this day and I have long since regrown most of the missing hair she removed that night. I did manage one act of defiance in an attempt to regain possession of my testicles. I grew a mustache and beard just to mess with her. The daily inspections continue and I guess I’ve adjusted to them as best I can. Her inspection routine was recently updated and now includes the beard and mustache, so I guess I really haven’t made much headway in the hair wars after all.
And neither is this.
I was shopping recently and observed a rather lovely young lady with three times as much hair on her arms and legs as I have. She was also showing some little dark puffs peeking out from her armpits. Maybe I’ll finally be safe if the current trends are shifting back to the 1800’s. Then my better-half will be buying me gallons and gallons of Rogaine to spread all over my long and beautiful body. I can’t wait.
Welcome back to the E.U.T. University the best known reservoir of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We’ll continue our course of study today with two more lesson plans for your archives.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be made a little smarter than you were prior to this visit.
Lesson #3 – Why Do Men Have Nipples?
Once a human embryo has been conceived, no matter what its ultimate gender, it follows a female template, adopting all female characteristics, including nipples. After a number of weeks in this state, a certain gene in the mail embryo stimulates the production of the male hormone testosterone, which prompts the embryo to develop masculine qualities. While the nipples remain present they will not function the way that they would have had the embryo been supplied with female hormones.
Not only do male babies have nipples, but they also are born with breast tissue and milk ducts and glands. These are normally in operative, but, if men experience increased levels of the female hormone estrogen and a lack of testosterone, they can develop breasts like those of women and, in extreme cases, even perform lactation. Because men have breast tissue, they are at risk from breast cancer, albeit to a far lesser extent than women are.
It has been asked why evolution has not done away with these superfluous male nipples. The common response is that, because diseases affecting the nipples are rare in men, there is no genetic imperative to do away with the nipple and so they remain.
So watch out guys. Stay away from those scary female hormones. You’ve always known how crazy they make women and it’s probably even worse for us men. Not only can you grow boobs and lactate, you can also be stricken with breast cancer. Count your blessings and stay away from that estrogen.
Lesson #4 – What is the Purpose of Pubic Hair?
The purpose of pubic hair is something that has been argued about for years. Even today, scientists are still unsure of its function.
One view is that pubic hair protects against friction during sexual intercourse, and provides cushioning for the pelvis in that area. Another view is that it provided insulation or our ancestors, although this is not widely held because of the lack of significant hair over the rest of our bodies. However, there is some support for the idea that the hair helps to regulate body temperature in the genital area which is particularly important for the production of sperm in men.
Pubic hair is curly because for some reason our sex hormones turn the hair follicles in that area into an oval shape, which in turn makes the hair an oval shape, causing it to bend. Straight hair grows from round follicles and is less prone to curliness.
That concludes today’s lessons and I hope you’ve found out a few new facts that have eluded you until now. As before, break into study groups to further discuss and better understand the information you’ve been given. There will be tests in your future.
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