12-19-2012   2 comments

Everyone these days is constantly harping for me to partake of this festival celebrating the birth of Christ.  Just to let most of you know, I’m what I would call a recovering Catholic.  I was baptized and confirmed against my will at a young age but was able to distance myself over the next few decades. I feel I’ve gained a better perspective of things and since I’ve never rejoined the church you may consider me a righteous religious independent.

That explains my position towards organized religion and the related holidays they claim as their own. In an attempt to be fair I decided to do a little research into Christmas to determine if it was the actual birthday of Jesus Christ.  It didn’t take terribly long to find out that December 25th is not the correct date of the birth but one selected by the Catholic Church to compete with certain other pagan celebrations that also took place in December. As best I could determine the actual season of Jesus’s birth was thought to be sometime in the spring. The church in its infinite wisdom took the same approach to scheduling that holiday as they do in handling everything else. They make it church doctrine regardless of the facts and their billions of believers follow right along.

In the early years of the American colonies, Christmas was considered a pagan festival and wasn’t too well received by the colonists. There was even a time between 1659 and 1681 in Massachusetts where anyone caught celebrating Christmas would be fined five shillings. Our current war on Christmas and religion led by our socialist friends at the ACLU pales in comparison to that carried on by our colonist forefathers.

I think my problem of developing a true Christmas spirit has finally been solved. I dislike the materialistic style of Christmas that many people celebrate these days and I’ve always disliked anything forced on me by any organized religion but the pagan holidays I think I can get on board with.

I’d make a great pagan. I love really big bonfires, and long’s slinky robes, and even the occasional orgy or two.  Say what you want about those pagans, they really know how to party. I’m sure there are many pagans in this country who maintain a really low profile due to all of the hateful and discriminatory things said about them over the years by the Christians. I truly feel their pain and  still don’t understand why “we all can’t just get along”. Special thanks to Rodney King for that quote, he was always my hero and role model.

So take heart all you pagans, stand up, be recognized, and be proud of your rich heritage. I think next year I’m going to start a campaign for the creation of a new holiday where all of those people who feel disenfranchised by their organized religions can jump on board my pagan bandwagon. We’ll have Christmas trees but just so we can set them on fire because everyone knows it’s no fun to dance and frolic naked in the dark.  I also hear that dancing naked around bonfires in December can be a bit hazardous.  The pagans report a huge increase in frostbite occurrences during the holidays, so be careful out there.

I’m starting to get that old tingle of holiday cheer again. You just never know when you’re going stumble into a genuine religious epiphany.  It’s a freaking Christmas miracle and I’ve been saved. 

Posted December 20, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

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2 responses to “12-19-2012

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  1. Aren’t the Pagans a motorcycle club?

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