Archive for the ‘christmas’ Tag

12/08/2022 ☃️🏈Christmas Beer Lovers🏈☃️   1 comment

As I’m sure you all know, people love beer. With the holidays coming up I assume that all of you beer fanatics out there will be hoisting a few cold ones while watching many of your favorite football games. I’m not a beer person but I’m sure if you consume enough it will make for an even happier holiday season. I understand it also helps, if done properly, to “zone out” all of the miscellaneous holiday conversations you would normally be required to respond to. I’ve been told many times by friends and acquaintances alike that “beer is better than women”. This posting was sent to me by a friend, but it should be read primarily by the men. I’m sure a few beer drinking women will be up in arms over this post but please don’t kill the messenger. I’m just forwarding this along to the men out there who will be in need of some comic relief in the coming months.

WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.

When beer goes flat, you toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.

Beer never has a headache.

A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

If you pour beer right, you’ll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

A beer is always wet.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

Beer doesn’t care when you come.

You always know if you’re the first one pop a beer.

Hell, I think I’m having a beer induced epiphany. After reading all of this interesting information I just might have to try a beer or two over the holidays. I never realized just how much better beer was than women until I read this list. As an aside ladies, if you think this list was misleading or untrue, I welcome any contributions from all of you as to why beer is better than men.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS LADIES

LOL

12/05/2022 🎄Generosity🎄   2 comments

Christmas has always been a season of giving from the Salvation Army Santa’s to Soup Kitchens, and the efforts of almost every religious group I can think of. I was curious about the generosity of previous generations but not only for the Christmas Season but generosity in general. So, here are a few samples of it from the past that have been long forgotten.

  • John D Rockefeller made his first contribution to a philanthropic cause at the age of 16, which was in 1855. By the time he died, 82 years later, the oil magnate had given away $531,326,842.
  • Ernest Hemingway gave to The Shrine of the Virgin in eastern Cuba, where he lived, Nobel Prize money he had won for the novel The Old Man and the Sea. “You don’t,” he said, “ever have a thing until you give it away.”
  • When he learned, in 1905, that one of his company’s batteries was defective, Thomas Alva Edison offered to refund all buyers. From his own pocket he returned $1 million.
  • About $330 million was donated by Andrew Carnegie to libraries, research projects, and world peace endeavors.

  • Gerrit Smith, a trader of Dutch descent, made available 120,000 acres of Adirondack wilderness to runaway slaves – a noble experiment with the help of his son, who was a professional reformer active in the Underground Railroad.
  • To help raise funds for the starving poor of Berlin, Albert Einstein in 1930 sold his autograph for three dollars for a signature and autographed photographs for five dollars each.
  • In his will, Tadeusz Kosciuszko, the Polish patriot who fought in Washington’s army in the American Revolution, specified that the US land tracts he had received should be sold and the money from the sales be used to purchase the freedom of black slaves.
  • From his own pocket, Superintendent of Finance, Robert Morris, met the American army’s demobilization pay in 1783. He was later thrown into the debtor’s prison, financially ruined in land speculation.
  • The Swiss philanthropist Henri Dunant devoted so much of his money and his energy to the establishment of the Red Cross that his textile business failed, and he became penniless. He was a cowinner of the first Nobel Peace Prize, in 1901, and left all of the prize money to charities, not to his family.

After reading all of these examples it just proves to me that generosity has always been around but in many cases, never acknowledged. It’s nice to know there’s a certain percentage of the population willing to make pesonal sacrifices to help others. That’s a Christmas wish if there ever was one.

19 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

12/04/2022 💥Christmas Limericks💥   Leave a comment

Continuing the Christmas theme for this week, here are a group of Christmas limericks collected from far and wide places. I hope they put a holiday grin on your face.

Santa came home with a reindeer

And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer

‘Did you have to bring

That horny old thing?’

Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’

🎄🎄🎄

An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,

We’ve not enough presents this year”

That made St. Nick think:

Now he’d given up drink

He could give all the children some beer!

🤶🏻🤶🏻🤶🏻

I saw mom and Santa having a chat

She told him he was much too fat

She then grabbed his behind

With eyes closed kissed him blind

Then they both fell down on the mat.

🎄🎄🎄

Old Santa got drunk on warm ale

“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail

“But what of the toys

For the good girls and boys?”

“I’ll send all the presents by mail!”

🧑🏻‍🎄🧑🏻‍🎄🧑🏻‍🎄

20 SHOPPING DAYS TO GO

12/03/2022 “Christmas Craziness”   Leave a comment

Thank heaven this isn’t my house.

I thought I would continue my Christmas craziness today with a description of my better-half’s last two weeks of Christmas preparation. I’m not a huge Christmas person but my better half is the poster girl for Christmas insanity. It all started approximately two and a half weeks ago when she began unloading the attic with a never-ending pile of boxes containing thirty years of Christmas paraphernalia. It’s not that she wanted to use all of that stuff to decorate the house but the more she looks through those boxes the more decorations magically begin to appear everywhere. I may lose my every so merry mind. There are wreaths on the front door, garage doors, across the deck which is also strung with yards and yards of tinsel and lights. I think I now have one of the largest collections of extension cords in this part of Maine. I’m so proud!

I need a short break from all this holiday cheer. Try to answer these five Christmas movie trivia questions. Are you a serious elf or just a poser? I’ll list the answers at the end.

In “A Christmas Story”, who gifts Ralphie a pink bunny onesie for Christmas?

In “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, what is the name of the Grinch’s dog?

In “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, how many lights are on the Griswold house?

In “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, what does Jack Skellington call Santa?

What is the highest-grossing Christmas movie of all time?

This is what my elf wants our house to eventually look like.

Let me say again that of this morning fully fifty percent of every surface in the house has something Christmassy on it. All the windows are decorated, small statuettes of every Christmas figure you could possibly think of are sitting on every piece of furniture within my field of vision. Help! I’m being held prisoner in Santas southern vacation home, and I can’t escape. There’s only one elf living here, and she is out-of-control. I’m reasonably sure if I stood still for more than five minutes, I’d have yards of tinsel hanging from my body with an appropriate number of silly little ornaments and bells attached. If I stood still for a full ten minutes, I guarantee she’d find a way to have flashing lights wrapped around me and twinkling “Oh So Merrily”. My only refuge from the Christmas madness is my man-cave. She has yet to visit there and I’m guarding the door to keep her out. Three more weeks of this and I’ll probably make the nightly news. I’ll be the guy dressed like Santa Clause threating to jump off the nearest bridge in Portland, Maine, “Film at Eleven!” Oh yeah . . . here are your trivia answers. How did you do?

Answers: Aunt Clara, Max, 25,000, Sandy Claws, Home Alone

HO! HO! HO! THREE WEEKS TO GO

12/02/2022 “Christmas Brainwashing”   Leave a comment

I’m not sure how everyone else was raised to celebrate Christmas but for me it entailed much more religion than anything else. My late Mother was Catholic through-and-through which translated into sending religious Christmas cards, attending midnight masses, and donating time to local organizations involved with decorating town areas. Being a kid, I was unceremoniously volunteered to help with almost everything she did whether I liked it or not.

As we age things tend to change a little and my approach to Christmas certainly did.  I was never all that interested in the religious portion of Christmas, but I went begrudgingly along just to please my mom until I reached the ripe old age of 13. Then I became what some people might call, difficult.  I must have been way ahead of my time if what I’ve learned in recent years is any indication.

A few years ago, my three-year-old grandson came to make his annual Christmas visit. It was the first time he’d actually seen our decorated tree and all the trimmings. We’d been very busy wrapping gifts and there was a pile of them under the tree. I was sitting on the floor next to him when he quietly whispered to me “Are those our prizes?” I told him they were presents for everyone brought here a little early by a busy Santa. He gave me a long sideways glance while he thought about what I’d said. He must have decided Santa was still a real possibility, so the conversation turned right back around to the presents under the tree. I was again corrected by the little guy with “Grandpa those are prizes not presents” and “can we open just one.” I told him they couldn’t be opened until Christmas day but he insisted one of them had to be for him so we should open that one right now. Being chastised by a three-year-old takes some getting used to but I persevered and again refused his request.

Gifts and Presents are Really Prizes

My first thought was who put the word “prize” into his head. Neither my better-half nor I would do it and I’m certain his parents wouldn’t do it either. That leaves just his friends at the daycare center that he attends almost every day. That small herd of little people who have nothing better to do all day than to play, fight, wrestle, nap, and tell each other the facts of life as translated from what they’ve heard at home. Somewhere along the way someone slipped in the word “prizes”, and it seems to have stuck.

There was no mention of Jesus, his birthday, the Magi, church or religion. It’s taken less than two generations to wean the kids from religion at Christmas to a more secular and materialistic outlook. I suppose in another few years we’ll be calling Christmas “Prize Day”.  If you’re a good little boy/girl, you win a prize but if you’re a bad little girl/boy you’ll get one anyway. We wouldn’t want you to feel like a loser.

Having Christmas as a religious holiday gave me a fun and interesting childhood. It’s sad to see society steal away some of the youngster’s fantasies at such a young age. I’m not religious now but the memories I have of my family when I was young still make me happy. Christmas is a holiday for the little children and not so much for the adults. It took me a number of years before I made the decision for myself that Christmas wasn’t for me. Let’s let the tots have their fun, they’ll be plenty of time in the future for society to screw with their heads.

MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDS

11/29/2022 A Korean Christmas Story   Leave a comment

With Thanksgiving over and Christmas rushing towards us I’ve decided to do something I normally wouldn’t consider. I’m reposting a Christmas story from 2015. It meant a lot to me then and all these years later, it still means a lot. I’m not much of a Christmas person but this story is about the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Just reading it again brings back all of those Christmas feelings I’d hope for on this holiday. I’ll kick off the 2022 Christmas season with this . . .

🌲🌲🌲

I’ve talked a great deal over the years about my experiences while serving in the Army. As with any young man or woman serving outside of this country, being away from home and family during the Christmas season for the first time is difficult.  In my case I was not only away from family, I was in a non-Christian county that seemed to be more than a little primitive to me.

Their religion was primarily Buddhist and the Christmas holiday meant very little to them. They at times pretended to understand but that was motivated entirely by their desire to make money from visiting Americans.

At the time I was stationed in an area that was primarily populated by rice farmers living in small villages that dotted the northern countryside. There were no paved roads and most villages only had electric power for a few hours a day.  For those of us from the United States it was like traveling back in time a hundred years.

I was living almost full time in a local village and actually had my laundry taken to a local river where it was beaten on the rocks with wooden paddles and soap.  That certainly took some getting used to for me.  My Korean friends seemed totally befuddled by the entire Christmas holiday bro-ha-ha and sat silently as I tried to explain it to them. They were interested in my stories of Christ and the Magi, but the virgin birth story had them all silently giggling a little.

Regardless I was determined to have a Christmas celebration, so I asked a few of them for their help in putting up a Christmas tree.  They agreed to help but weren’t exactly sure what I was up to. As that project was progressing, I had a little old mama-san ask me through an interpreter why would any sane person put a tree inside their home. I was hard pressed to answer her because I didn’t know the reason either. They continued to humor me as I explained other peculiarities that they couldn’t quite grasp.

A week or so later with two Korean friends I hiked up a nearby mountain near a small Buddhist temple to find a tree. We ended up dragging back the sorriest looking bush you could ever imagine, set it up in my hooch, and started to decorate it as best we could. There was a hand-made star on top of the tree (my doing) and a number of pieces of charcoal tied to the branches with twine (their doing). I never had that fully explained to me, but it was what they wanted to do. It had something to do with good luck or good pregnancy or something. Since we had no electricity, they suggested placing candles in and around the tree, but I nixed that immediately. The last thing we needed was to burn down my hooch and a portion of the village when a little, dry, and nasty looking tree burst into flames.

I had some GI decorations I made from C-rations that looked stupid as hell but they loved it. Later we ate most of the decorations and drank a bottle of really cheap brandy that I’d brought along for the occasion. I presented them each with a small gift of candy and got a little kiss on the cheek from everyone.

I was still a little homesick but that weird little celebration came to mean a lot to me over the years. It was cozy, friendly, and more than a little strange but it was also genuine. They forever became part of my extended family because they’d made an effort to help get me through a very difficult time. Christmas, the holiday, had very little meaning to them but they realized how important it was to me. 

I still wonder to this day if any of them have fond memories of that night and think about it occasionally. I also hope that all of my comrades-in-arms who are away from home this Christmas are lucky enough to find some friends like I did.

Please keep all of our service men and women in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas season. The sacrifice they are making is truly appreciated by those of us who’ve gone before.

🎄🎄🎄

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR

10/24/2022 “Annoyances”   2 comments

This is not one of my favorite times of the year. Summer is ending, skies are gray, rain is cold, leaves are dropping, and the runup to the end-of-year holidays has begun. A little depressing to say the least. I can deal with depression but it’s also very annoying. I thought a quick compilation of my major annoyances would be in order and here they are.

  • Leave it up to the money hungry retailers to have Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas merchandise already displayed. IT’S OCTOBER YOU MORONS!
  • People who insist on talking over me during a conversation makes me want to scream. JUST PLAIN RUDE!
  • Every Wendy’s that lists coffee on the menu and then makes me wait until they make a pot. Every time! WORST KIND OF CUSTOMER SERVICE!
  • The person in front of me at the express checkout line with an entire cart load of merchandise. ASSHOLE!
  • Black Friday was always annoying, but this year should be priceless. They’ve begun advertising it already. CORPORATE GREED!
  • Anyone still writing checks at the register in a food store. SHEER STUPIDITY!
  • Anyone who has a debit card but can’t figure out how to use it. EXASPERATING!

  • People who claim to have something really important to tell me, then send a four-word text message. CALL ME!
  • Any person, male or female, who is more than 30 pounds overweight and attempting to slim down by wearing skinny jeans. SO BAD!!
  • People who continually bitch and complain about their food and service in a restaurant. STAY HOME!
  • Twenty or more minutes of every hour for moronic ads on every conceivable type of device. JUST KILL ME NOW!
  • City workers and their gigantic snowplows destroying at least one of my mailboxes every year. IGNORAMUSES!
  • People who insist on telling me all about their child who is an honor student somewhere. I DON’T CARE!
  • Rear window decals displaying family members and pets. LAME!

A RANT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

10/21/2022 “Useless Info”   1 comment

Here is your daily collection of somewhat interesting useless information. Read, learn, and pass it along to friends, family and coworkers. I’m sure they’ll appreciate receiving them as much as you do receiving it from me. LOL

  • Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose of caffeine for the average adult is approximately 10 grams, or the equivalent of drinking between 50 and 200 cups of coffee in rapid succession.
  • The largest human cell is the female ovum. The smallest is the male sperm.
  • Mosquito repellent doesn’t repel mosquitoes. It only blocks their sensors so that they don’t know you’re there.
  • Members of the U.S. Congress are the world’s highest-paid legislators.
  • The bristled toothbrush originated in China around the year 1498. The bristles, fixed to a bamboo or bone handle, were neck hairs from Siberian boars.

*****

  • One of the holiest Christian holidays is named after a pagan goddess. The word Easter derives from the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre, who governed the vernal equinox.
  • In 1659, the Massachusetts General Court ordered a five shilling fine to be paid by anyone caught celebrating Christmas. The ban was revoked in 1681.
  • In his role as James Bond, the super spy, Sean Connery wore a toupee to hide his receding hairline.
  • Artists have more sexual partners. Researchers suggest that creative people excel at attracting mates, acting on sexual impulses, and doing more than their share of ensuring species survival because they often display “schizotypal” characteristics which are the positive side of schizophrenic personality traits.
  • Wedding rings date back thousands of years. The ancient Romans and Egyptians both believe that a vein called the vena amoria ran directly from the ring finger to the heart.

MORE INFORMATION FROM YOUR FAVORITE “SCHIZO”

06/26/2022 🙉More Malaprops🙉   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

🌲Christmas Limerick🌲   Leave a comment

There was a farmer named Gary
Whose mule was getting contrary.
Gary painted him red,
A green hat on his head.
Sold him as a huge Christmas fairy.

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