Archive for the ‘christmas’ Tag

06/26/2022 🙉More Malaprops🙉   1 comment

A few weeks ago, I posted about some language oddities called malaprops. To quote a reader who responded to that post, “Those things are like fingernails on a blackboard to me.” So, I thought today would be a good day to run some fingernails over that same blackboard, just for the fun of it. This time I’ll give you a list of malaprops written by grade schoolers, high schoolers, and a few college geniuses. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

  • Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
  • The walls of Notre Dame Cathedral are supported by flying buttocks.
  • Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • People have sex, while nouns have genders.

  • Christmas is a time for happiness for every child, adult, and adulteress.
  • Most words are easy to spell once you get the letters write.
  • The bowels are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
  • The climate of the Sahara Desert is so hot that certain areas are cultivated by irritation.
  • The United States Constitution was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

YOU GOTTA LUV OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM

🌲Christmas Limerick🌲   Leave a comment

There was a farmer named Gary
Whose mule was getting contrary.
Gary painted him red,
A green hat on his head.
Sold him as a huge Christmas fairy.

12/14/2021 🌲More Christmas Humor🌲   Leave a comment

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike. The cop says to the young girl, “Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?” “Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says “Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket. Before the cop rides off, she says “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Playing along the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

10 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

🌲Christmas Limerick🌲   4 comments

There once was a woman named Bess
For whom holiday cooking meant stress.
Five puddings, ten turkeys
And a thousand beef jerkeys –
Bess did tend to cook to excess!

🌲Christmas Limerick🌲   Leave a comment

When Rudolph got hurt in a fight
He couldn’t lead Santa that night
Too much Christmas cheer
And eggnog, and beer,
His red nose was shiny, all right!

12/06/2021 🌲X-mas Trivia🌲   Leave a comment

I’ve never been one to have an overabundance of Christmas spirit. I lost most of it back in 1963 when, while in college, I worked part time on a Christmas tree farm in Edinboro, Pennsylvania. After cutting, trimming, bundling, and loading close to 5000 trees onto trucks, I’d had enough. Took me three weeks to get all of the sap and pine smell off my body and out of my clothing. Every time I smell pine scent, it gives me flashbacks to that tree farm. But never let it be said that my issues with Christmas would keep me from supplying you with some holiday spirit in the form of Christmas trivia. Enjoy. . .

  • Bing Crosby’s” White Christmas” was released in 1942 and is considered to be the best-selling Christmas song of all time.
  • In Greek, X means Christ; that is where the word “Xmas” originated.
  • Christmas Clubs, savings accounts in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping, came about in 1905.
  • America’s official national Christmas tree is located in Kings Canyon National Park in California. The tree, a giant sequoia is called the “General Grant Tree”, and is over 300 feet high. It was made the official Christmas tree by Congress in 1925.
  • An average household in America will mail out 28 Christmas cards each year.
  • California, Oregon, Michigan, Washington, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and North Carolina are the top Christmas tree producing states. Oregon is the leading producer of Christmas trees harvesting approximately 8.6 million a year.
  • Christmas caroling began as an old English custom cold “Wassailing” – toasting neighbors to a long and healthy life.
  • In an effort to solicit cash to pay for a charity Christmas dinner in 1891, a large “crab pot” was set down on a San Francisco street corner, becoming the first Salvation Army collection kettle.
  • During the Christmas/Hanukkah season, more than 1.7 6 billion candy canes will be made.
  • Hallmark introduced its first Christmas cards in 1915, five years after the founding of the company.
  • In Syria, Christmas gifts are distributed by one of the wise men’s camels. The gift-giving camel is said to have been the smallest one in the Wise Men’s caravan.
  • In 1907, Oklahoma became the last US state to declare Christmas a legal holiday.
  • Mistletoe, a traditional Christmas symbol, was once revered by the early Britons. It was so sacred that it had to be cut with a golden sickle.

18 More Shopping Days

MERRY CHRISTMAS

🌲Christmas Limerick🌲   Leave a comment

The Bad Elf

There was an elf too tired to work,

He called Santa a big fat jerk.

He grabbed up some toys,

Making almost no noise

And fled to Club Med with a clerk.

Posted December 3, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Limericks, Sarcasm, Trivia

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🌲Christmas Limerick🌲   Leave a comment

Old Santa got drunk on warm ale

“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail

“But what of the toys

For the good girls and boys?”

“I’ll have Amazon send them by mail!”

Posted December 2, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Limericks, Sarcasm

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12/01/2021 🌲Christmas Humor🌲   Leave a comment

I found this joke on line and couldn’t resist sharing it with you:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may also pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

23 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

Posted December 1, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sarcasm, Sex, Trivia

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11/29/2021 X-mas 2021   Leave a comment

I’ve written many postings about the Christmas season over the years and as I recently read back through them, they appeared varied, somewhat interesting, and some even boring. I hate to admit that I was ever boring but there are times when Christmas can be a huge pain in the butt. I just don’t get the “buzz” like I did when I was a kid and it still amazes me that some people (without kids) turn into Christmas fanatics and go wild over it. I loved Christmas as a young child but each year I lost a little of the holiday magic everyone seems to be searching for. It saddens me a little but “it is what it is”. The only real enjoyment for me now is when the young grandchildren are running through the house wearing Christmas apparel and having a grand old time. I thoroughly enjoy living vicariously through them.

After my last two years of medical problems, I didn’t feel things would ever be getting any better. The years, 2019 and 2020, drained away what little fun I had left in me. If not for my better-half and a few other close family members I might not have survived to enjoy Christmas 2021, for that I am eternally grateful.

All of that being said, it’s time to prepare for the holidays once again. With the pandemic still gumming up the works I’m not sure what direction to take. Now that I’m cancer free you’d think I’d be ready to celebrate the hell out of just about anything. After the experiences of the last two years I’ve entered a phase in my life that was totally unexpected. I’ve become calmer, more thoughtful, and seriously introspective.

The grandchildren are no longer toddlers and are becoming actual people. They now can speak their minds and voice their feelings like never before. While I find that refreshing it makes my preparations for the holiday a little more troublesome. My education continues but now they are the teachers and I’m the student.

I now know more about Pokémon and the thousands of cards involved with that experience. It’s supposed to be a game but I have no idea what the rules are. I think he’s just messing with me because he seems to win every game. Which cards are rare and which ones are crappy, who knows?

I’ve seen the Alvin & the Chipmunks movie a hundred times and have been hearing that theme song in my head for five years. I find myself humming it at the oddest times, in the shower and while I’m cutting grass. Don’t even get me started about “Lady and the Tramp”.

I’ll bet you any amount of money that I know more about the cartoon “Larva” than anyone you know over the age of 15. I actually found myself purchasing a “Larva” tee shirt three years ago that the grandson wanted to give to his grandmother. Apparently, it was a bigger hit than I anticipated since she still wears it occasionally in odd moments.

I’ve also been coerced into becoming a soccer fan. I’ve hated soccer with a passion and have avoided it for most of my life. Not anymore unfortunately. Both grandsons have decided that soccer is a great game but it’s always much more fun when family members come to the games to cheer them on. So, my newest job is the official family sports photographer. I get to sit and watch groups of five-six-seven-eight-year-old boys and girls playing “at” soccer. Just shoot me now. It’s finally improving this year since they’ve added a real game to their curriculum, baseball. This I actually enjoy watching.

I guess I should be happy. Those boys have enough energy for us all and I think it’s rubbing off on me a little. They now have me looking forward to a Christmas I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to celebrate.

HO! HO! HO! ONCE AGAIN

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